Sex and the City (1998–2004): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Awful Truth - full transcript
Three of the girls wrestle with the delicate question of what to tell or discretely leave unmentioned with loved ones. For Miranda, this means overcoming her aversion to explicit ...
Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked)
by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew
Two years ago, my friend Susan Sharon...
...the East Coast rep for a line
of Italian cashmere sportswear...
...married a very mean man.
What did I tell you
about listening to my CDs?
You put Natalie lmbruglia back in U2!
Now, I only see her once or twice a year...
...generally when
her husband is out of town.
Now, I can't remember if I've taken
my Halcion before dinner or not.
So I take another one, I have a cocktail,
I'm feeling no pain.
The next thing I know, this freaked out
stewardess is slapping me awake.
I open my eyes, I look around the plane,
it's completely empty.
- We'd landed in Milan 30 minutes ago.
- My God.
Come up to my apartment
because I have something for you.
The place looks fantastic!
Richard's asleep.
In here?
Susan Sharon and her husband
had one of those very adult apartments...
...that made me feel like I was 16
visiting the home of a friend...
...whose parents thought
I was a bad influence.
Happy birthday, Carrie.
You didn't have to.
I know it's a little early.
It's beautiful.
It's 100 percent Italian cashmere
and light as a feather.
God, I love it.
It's a "cashmere-ical."
- Guess what Barneys gets for this.
- Don't tell me.
- $900.
- $900 for a scarf? No.
- Do you mind if I return it? I need cash.
- Why not?
Why do you think they call it "cash-mere"?
- What the hell is going on?
- Sorry, honey.
- But Carrie had this idea about returning...
- What...
...was our agreement
about visitors after 9:00 p.m.?
- I know, it's her birthday.
- I'm on London time!
I've got to be up in three hours
when the markets open.
I'd really appreciate it if you'd take
the fucking noise somewhere else.
- I'll call you.
- Just ignore him. You don't have to leave.
It's okay.
- Goodnight, Grumpy.
- Get the fuck out of my house!
Taunting the psychotic spouse,
I realized, was not a wise move.
Just shut the fuck up!
I wondered...
...could their marriage be that bad,
or was their fighting a form of foreplay?
In which case, I was merely
the catalyst to get things going.
I am so sorry.
I'm so embarrassed.
Don't be.
He's just tired and cranky.
That was classic Richard:
Tyrannical, emotionally abusive.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Maybe there were
special circumstances tonight.
He works hard. He's sleep deprived.
Blah, blah, blah. I don't give a shit!
What would you do? Would you leave?
If things didn't change...
They haven't, and they won't.
Do you think I should leave him?
If you're not happy,
you know, life's too short.
I gotta go.
As I hung up, I realized I had been placed
in a classic no-win situation.
Telling a friend to leave her husband
is something you just don't do.
If they do break up, it's your fault.
If they don't,
she knows you think they should...
...and therefore, can't speak to you again.
You're screwed.
It's a shame.
There goes your cashmere connection.
She had me at a weak moment. I was
tired, I'd been chased out of her apartment.
I have a birthday looming.
- I said too much.
- No, in an intimate relationship...
...you should be able to say anything.
- I disagree.
Practically all the relationships I know
are based on a foundation of lies...
...and mutual delusion.
James and me, for instance.
I pretend he doesn't have a small dick.
He pretends not to notice
we haven't had sex in weeks.
You should join the U.N.
I'm in an intimate relationship
at the moment...
...and I can tell you, the level of verbal
discourse has become a little too intimate.
- Are we speaking of Spring Roll Guy?
- Who's that?
Aaron Melman.
He's a dermatologist I met at the
Vietnamese lunch truck outside my office.
What's the problem?
The problem, if you can call it that...
...is Spring Roll Guy
liked to talk dirty in bed.
Baby, I just love the way your pussy feels.
So wet...
...and warm...
...and tight.
Kissing your beautiful tits
feels unbelievably sexy.
So hot and nasty.
How's it feel to you?
What you said.
That can be a turn on.
Sure, but now he wants me to reciprocate.
I can't. I never could.
Why not?
Because sex is not a time to chat.
It's one of the few instances in my
overly articulated, exceedingly verbal life...
...where it is perfectly appropriate,
if not preferable, to shut up.
Now I have to worry about
being stumped for conversation?
No, thank you.
Just talk about his big cock.
Correction, his big, beautiful cock.
- We're using the "C" word now?
- Sorry.
- I can't use adjectives.
- A simple, "You're so hard," is effective.
- Sometimes men need encouragement.
- Such as?
You know...
"Yes, stud, that's right.
"Don't stop, just like that.
C'mon, fucker, don't stop."
You're kidding, right?
No, they like it.
So, are you really telling us...
...that during sex you're completely mute?
No, I can do a good orgasm alert.
"I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum."
But that's because I'm gonna cum.
Anything else feels like make believe.
If you really like this guy,
you're gonna have to start talking.
Was Miranda right?
Have we put such a premium on being
open and honest with one another...
...that we've misplaced
the boundaries of propriety?
Are there still certain things
in a relationship one should never say?
My best friend got engaged
to the biggest loser.
What am I supposed to say?
"You're marrying an imbecile?"
My wife, she's had her breasts done twice.
They look fantastic, they feel like shit.
I keep that thought to myself.
I'm single, 38, and still hoping to get
married. I don't want to know the truth.
I told Richard I couldn't spend another day
married to a man who is an utter asshole.
There it was, standing across from me.
Biscotti-eating, cashmere-swaddled proof
that I had said too much.
- Then what happened?
- Once I said that, the floodgates opened.
He said that at our wedding,
when he looked at me...
...he felt a huge wave of disappointment
because I looked so generic.
I said, "On second thought...
"...I don't think the Rogaine is working."
He said that if I leave,
all he'll feel for me is pity...
...because he'll be remarried within a year
and I'll be single for the rest of my life.
I didn't want to tell Susan Sharon
that his last statement was probably true.
I just feel like I owe you so much.
If it wasn't for you,
I wouldn't have had the guts to do this.
It's like I was under house arrest for years
and now I'm free.
What are you gonna do?
Do you mind if I stay at your place?
Of course not.
That evening,
as Susan Sharon squatted on my couch...
...Charlotte came home
to the new male in her life.
Fed up with lonely mornings,
cuddle-free nights...
...and the lack of unconditional love
she longed for...
...Charlotte took matters
into her own hands.
She combed the city for the perfect
specimen of breeding, style and trendiness.
Henry, I'm home.
Hi, my good boy.
Until she found the perfect man,
Charlotte would have the perfect dog.
That night, Samantha,
who was never good at keeping a secret...
...found the one thing she couldn't say
was the only thing she could think about.
Sweetheart, is anything wrong?
If there is, I want you to tell me.
No, honey, I'm tired.
I feel like you've become so distant,
like you're upset with me about something.
I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me.
I'm not upset about anything.
You're wonderful.
Will you come see
a couple's counselor with me?
Samantha dreaded the shrink the way
most people feared the dentist.
If it's really important to you...
Great.
Goodnight.
She longed for the simple days...
...of emotional unavailability
and hot one-night stands.
Meanwhile, across town,
Miranda was appearing as Eliza Doolittle...
...in My Filthy Lady.
I just love kissing this
sensitive spot right here.
Do you like that?
Tell me what you like.
That.
You like my hand there,
caressing your breast?
Sure.
Gently pinching your nipple.
Fine.
Kissing my chest.
That's hot. That really turns me on.
How's it feel?
Hot?
Hot.
And?
- Hairy?
- God, you're getting me hard.
Tell me how it feels.
Big.
And?
Hard?
- Rock hard.
- Keep talking.
A big rock.
A hard rock.
A big, hard rock.
- A sausage.
- Baby, you are so nasty.
Surprisingly, once Miranda opened
her mouth, it was difficult to shut up.
A big, throbbing, rock-hard sausage.
That night, I took Susan Sharon
to meet the new male in Charlotte's life.
True to form, he was already falling
far short of her high expectations.
He did it a minute ago.
He was inconsistent...
Get the ball.
...selfishly stubborn,
and hopelessly codependent.
Isn't he smart?
We can't stay,
I want to be at your place if Richard calls.
Aren't you leaving him?
If he calls,
I want to say I won't talk to him.
That's passive aggressive. You should
only talk if you have something to say.
- Do you believe I married a prick?
- You didn't know he was a prick.
I just can't believe that prick hasn't called.
Although, he does have this sweet side.
You just don't know him very well.
Did I do the right thing, Henry?
Should I give him another chance...
He's a dog, not an oracle.
The next morning, I woke up
to an unsettling birthday surprise.
Coming.
Sign here.
Thank you.
My God.
"Best wishes on your birthday."
It's from Big.
- What kind of flowers?
- Roses, red.
Big.
Expensive.
- What do you think it means?
- It means rip up the card.
And watch out for the thorns.
No, this is the grand gesture.
The grand gesture?
If you break up,
and he disappears from your life...
...it wasn't meant to be.
But if they make a powerful declaration
of their love, then you have to reconsider.
You think a dozen roses and a card saying,
"Best wishes" qualifies as a grand gesture?
You know men. They can never say,
"I was wrong." They just send flowers.
Sometimes a rose is just a rose.
Jewelry, that's another story.
Henry, no.
Henry, no, not the purse.
I really don't need this on my birthday.
What does this mean,
the ball's in my court or something?
I don't want to play games.
This is not the grand gesture.
This is the vague gesture...
...which is worse than no gesture.
Under the guise of thoughtfulness,
he's being very selfish.
I agree, he's muddied the waters.
You're all just cuckoo. He sends flowers
on her birthday and you condemn him.
Henry, no. No, damn it.
For chrissake, give the dog a break.
He's eaten four pairs of shoes.
I don't want him starting on purses.
Damn it, now. We're gonna go home.
You wanted to get out and socialize,
but you'll have to learn to behave.
Speaking of cuckoo...
Charlotte was at the point where
she was starting to see the real Henry.
But she did raise a valid question.
Was, "I was wrong,"
the one thing Mr. Big couldn't say?
I realized that just because
we were no longer together...
...didn't mean I couldn't be polite.
It's me.
Carrie.
How are you?
Great. I wanted to call
and thank you for the flowers.
That was thoughtful of you.
My secretary had it on her calendar,
so I, you know...
Your secretary sent them?
I sent the flowers,
my secretary alerted me to the day.
That was very thoughtful of her
and you for sending them.
You're welcome.
What are you doing on the big day?
Stanford's arranged this party
down at Layla, that Moroccan restaurant.
You should come.
The instant the words popped out
of my mouth, I regretted them.
I made plans already.
Or not. I mean, just forget it.
I could stop by later.
Fine. Whatever.
I may bring someone.
Come and bring that person
and maybe I'll see you later.
Thank you again for the thoughtful flowers.
I couldn't believe it.
I had just invited my ex and his date
to my birthday party.
As if getting older
wasn't traumatic enough.
That afternoon in the office
of Velma Rudin...
...celebrated psychologist
and author of In-to-me-see...
...A Couple's Guide to Intimacy...
...Samantha did her best not to say
the thing she knew she shouldn't say.
I've noticed that our sex life
has diminished.
That's normal, isn't it?
I mean, after a while...
How long has it been?
A month.
Don't take it all so seriously.
Have fun with your sexuality.
Have you tried playing erotic games?
Samantha almost confessed that James...
...had been playing
"hide the salami" since they met.
I'm just not feeling very sexual these days.
I saw you masturbating the other day
when I came out of the shower.
Many women are simply unable
to achieve orgasm through intercourse.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
You have a problem with intimacy.
No, that's not it.
- What is it?
- It's nothing.
Nothing you say can hurt me,
as long as it's what you're feeling.
That seems to be
all the time we have for today.
Nice work, you two.
Shall we say next week, same time?
Good for me.
The idea of seeing Velma "In-to-me-see"
Rudin on a weekly basis...
...was much more
than Samantha could bear.
Your penis is too small.
Excuse me?
It doesn't... and it just... it can't.
I can't.
It's just too damn small.
Did you ever stop to think
that maybe your vagina is too big?
What can I say? I need a big dick.
I hear that.
As Samantha paid the price
of mentioning the unmentionable...
...Miranda discovered that free speech
comes with a cost of its own.
I just love putting my hand
around your cock.
I just love hearing you say "cock."
Your big hard cock.
Cock, cock, cock.
Why couldn't I ever say that before?
It's just a word.
Why does it turn us both on when I say it?
What else do you like?
I like it when you're rough.
When you throw my legs over your head,
I lose control.
What do I like?
You like it when I'm biting your nipple.
What else?
You like it when I'm kissing your balls.
Keep going.
You really like it when
I slip my finger in your ass.
Excuse me?
You just love a finger in your ass.
How could I know,
"You love a finger in your ass"...
...is the one thing you can't say?
Trust me, that's not the only thing.
- But it's true, he enjoys it.
- So do a lot of men.
They enjoy it, but don't want it
brought to their attention.
Personally, I don't like anything in my ass.
I know that may come as a surprise.
I just feel so betrayed.
He wanted me to talk dirty, I got into it,
then he pulled the rug out from under me.
Men are so frustratingly inconsistent.
That's why I love my Henry.
He's a big love bug. You tell him
anything and he licks your face.
Charlotte, you may be onto something.
Another double vodka rocks
for the birthday girl.
The truth was, vodka was my only ally.
At any moment, Big was gonna walk in
with his gorgeous date...
...smile at me like some distant stranger
and say something crushing...
Happy birthday, baby.
Glad you could make it.
I can't stay long.
I left my camel outside.
You remember Jack?
Jack is your date?
I wasn't aware
we were formally dating, but...
It is so good to see you again.
How have you been?
Marvelous, I split up with a bitch who
broke my heart. She didn't get my money.
Happy birthday to me.
An hour later, my Arabian Nights fantasy...
...birthday felt like Midnight Express.
- How are you?
- Great.
How are you?
Good. Fine.
Good.
Excuse me,
what is your ex doing at your birthday?
I told him to drop by for a drink.
I didn't think he'd stay for a lap dance.
My God, have you tried the baba ganooj?
It is to die for.
I don't eat baba ganooj.
You don't know what you're missing.
I can't believe the bastard dared to come.
I can't believe what
she does with her navel.
Please, I'm about to lose my couscous.
While I watched my ex
get a Mesopotamian lap dance...
...Susan Sharon made a play
for Mr. Marvelous.
I can't deal with being single all over again.
Every relationship has its ups and downs.
My husband and I work very hard.
We probably don't spend
enough damn time together.
Compounded by the fact that neither of us
gets enough sleep. Then again, who does?
I really never imagined myself
as a divorcee, you know?
It's more important to till your own soil
than to go in search of greener pastures.
Do you ever shut the fuck up?
In that moment, Susan Sharon realized
she desperately missed her husband.
That night, Charlotte came home
to a very unpleasant surprise.
Bad!
Charlotte realized,
like so many males before him...
...Henry had shit all over her perfect world.
He and Charlotte soon parted ways.
The one thing she could never say was,
"I got rid of the puppy."
We all know what happened to him.
He'd become the glue that put Susan
Sharon and her husband back together.
Shut up.
Shut the fuck up.
Although neither of them could
admit that a dog saved their marriage.
Later that evening, as my birthday passed
into the early hours of just another day...
...I found myself alone
on the street with Mr. Big.
Another year older.
And none the wiser.
That's the way it goes.
- Can I give you a ride home?
- No, I'm just gonna grab a cab.
- Do you need cab fare?
- No, I'm okay.
Good, because I think I left all my $20
in that belly dancer's crotch.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
As I watched him go, I realized the one
thing I couldn't say to Mr. Big was...
..."I'm still not over you."
Translation And Subtitles By
Captions, Inc. Los Angeles
Ripped by RavyDavy
part of the [RL] Crew
by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew
Two years ago, my friend Susan Sharon...
...the East Coast rep for a line
of Italian cashmere sportswear...
...married a very mean man.
What did I tell you
about listening to my CDs?
You put Natalie lmbruglia back in U2!
Now, I only see her once or twice a year...
...generally when
her husband is out of town.
Now, I can't remember if I've taken
my Halcion before dinner or not.
So I take another one, I have a cocktail,
I'm feeling no pain.
The next thing I know, this freaked out
stewardess is slapping me awake.
I open my eyes, I look around the plane,
it's completely empty.
- We'd landed in Milan 30 minutes ago.
- My God.
Come up to my apartment
because I have something for you.
The place looks fantastic!
Richard's asleep.
In here?
Susan Sharon and her husband
had one of those very adult apartments...
...that made me feel like I was 16
visiting the home of a friend...
...whose parents thought
I was a bad influence.
Happy birthday, Carrie.
You didn't have to.
I know it's a little early.
It's beautiful.
It's 100 percent Italian cashmere
and light as a feather.
God, I love it.
It's a "cashmere-ical."
- Guess what Barneys gets for this.
- Don't tell me.
- $900.
- $900 for a scarf? No.
- Do you mind if I return it? I need cash.
- Why not?
Why do you think they call it "cash-mere"?
- What the hell is going on?
- Sorry, honey.
- But Carrie had this idea about returning...
- What...
...was our agreement
about visitors after 9:00 p.m.?
- I know, it's her birthday.
- I'm on London time!
I've got to be up in three hours
when the markets open.
I'd really appreciate it if you'd take
the fucking noise somewhere else.
- I'll call you.
- Just ignore him. You don't have to leave.
It's okay.
- Goodnight, Grumpy.
- Get the fuck out of my house!
Taunting the psychotic spouse,
I realized, was not a wise move.
Just shut the fuck up!
I wondered...
...could their marriage be that bad,
or was their fighting a form of foreplay?
In which case, I was merely
the catalyst to get things going.
I am so sorry.
I'm so embarrassed.
Don't be.
He's just tired and cranky.
That was classic Richard:
Tyrannical, emotionally abusive.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Maybe there were
special circumstances tonight.
He works hard. He's sleep deprived.
Blah, blah, blah. I don't give a shit!
What would you do? Would you leave?
If things didn't change...
They haven't, and they won't.
Do you think I should leave him?
If you're not happy,
you know, life's too short.
I gotta go.
As I hung up, I realized I had been placed
in a classic no-win situation.
Telling a friend to leave her husband
is something you just don't do.
If they do break up, it's your fault.
If they don't,
she knows you think they should...
...and therefore, can't speak to you again.
You're screwed.
It's a shame.
There goes your cashmere connection.
She had me at a weak moment. I was
tired, I'd been chased out of her apartment.
I have a birthday looming.
- I said too much.
- No, in an intimate relationship...
...you should be able to say anything.
- I disagree.
Practically all the relationships I know
are based on a foundation of lies...
...and mutual delusion.
James and me, for instance.
I pretend he doesn't have a small dick.
He pretends not to notice
we haven't had sex in weeks.
You should join the U.N.
I'm in an intimate relationship
at the moment...
...and I can tell you, the level of verbal
discourse has become a little too intimate.
- Are we speaking of Spring Roll Guy?
- Who's that?
Aaron Melman.
He's a dermatologist I met at the
Vietnamese lunch truck outside my office.
What's the problem?
The problem, if you can call it that...
...is Spring Roll Guy
liked to talk dirty in bed.
Baby, I just love the way your pussy feels.
So wet...
...and warm...
...and tight.
Kissing your beautiful tits
feels unbelievably sexy.
So hot and nasty.
How's it feel to you?
What you said.
That can be a turn on.
Sure, but now he wants me to reciprocate.
I can't. I never could.
Why not?
Because sex is not a time to chat.
It's one of the few instances in my
overly articulated, exceedingly verbal life...
...where it is perfectly appropriate,
if not preferable, to shut up.
Now I have to worry about
being stumped for conversation?
No, thank you.
Just talk about his big cock.
Correction, his big, beautiful cock.
- We're using the "C" word now?
- Sorry.
- I can't use adjectives.
- A simple, "You're so hard," is effective.
- Sometimes men need encouragement.
- Such as?
You know...
"Yes, stud, that's right.
"Don't stop, just like that.
C'mon, fucker, don't stop."
You're kidding, right?
No, they like it.
So, are you really telling us...
...that during sex you're completely mute?
No, I can do a good orgasm alert.
"I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum."
But that's because I'm gonna cum.
Anything else feels like make believe.
If you really like this guy,
you're gonna have to start talking.
Was Miranda right?
Have we put such a premium on being
open and honest with one another...
...that we've misplaced
the boundaries of propriety?
Are there still certain things
in a relationship one should never say?
My best friend got engaged
to the biggest loser.
What am I supposed to say?
"You're marrying an imbecile?"
My wife, she's had her breasts done twice.
They look fantastic, they feel like shit.
I keep that thought to myself.
I'm single, 38, and still hoping to get
married. I don't want to know the truth.
I told Richard I couldn't spend another day
married to a man who is an utter asshole.
There it was, standing across from me.
Biscotti-eating, cashmere-swaddled proof
that I had said too much.
- Then what happened?
- Once I said that, the floodgates opened.
He said that at our wedding,
when he looked at me...
...he felt a huge wave of disappointment
because I looked so generic.
I said, "On second thought...
"...I don't think the Rogaine is working."
He said that if I leave,
all he'll feel for me is pity...
...because he'll be remarried within a year
and I'll be single for the rest of my life.
I didn't want to tell Susan Sharon
that his last statement was probably true.
I just feel like I owe you so much.
If it wasn't for you,
I wouldn't have had the guts to do this.
It's like I was under house arrest for years
and now I'm free.
What are you gonna do?
Do you mind if I stay at your place?
Of course not.
That evening,
as Susan Sharon squatted on my couch...
...Charlotte came home
to the new male in her life.
Fed up with lonely mornings,
cuddle-free nights...
...and the lack of unconditional love
she longed for...
...Charlotte took matters
into her own hands.
She combed the city for the perfect
specimen of breeding, style and trendiness.
Henry, I'm home.
Hi, my good boy.
Until she found the perfect man,
Charlotte would have the perfect dog.
That night, Samantha,
who was never good at keeping a secret...
...found the one thing she couldn't say
was the only thing she could think about.
Sweetheart, is anything wrong?
If there is, I want you to tell me.
No, honey, I'm tired.
I feel like you've become so distant,
like you're upset with me about something.
I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me.
I'm not upset about anything.
You're wonderful.
Will you come see
a couple's counselor with me?
Samantha dreaded the shrink the way
most people feared the dentist.
If it's really important to you...
Great.
Goodnight.
She longed for the simple days...
...of emotional unavailability
and hot one-night stands.
Meanwhile, across town,
Miranda was appearing as Eliza Doolittle...
...in My Filthy Lady.
I just love kissing this
sensitive spot right here.
Do you like that?
Tell me what you like.
That.
You like my hand there,
caressing your breast?
Sure.
Gently pinching your nipple.
Fine.
Kissing my chest.
That's hot. That really turns me on.
How's it feel?
Hot?
Hot.
And?
- Hairy?
- God, you're getting me hard.
Tell me how it feels.
Big.
And?
Hard?
- Rock hard.
- Keep talking.
A big rock.
A hard rock.
A big, hard rock.
- A sausage.
- Baby, you are so nasty.
Surprisingly, once Miranda opened
her mouth, it was difficult to shut up.
A big, throbbing, rock-hard sausage.
That night, I took Susan Sharon
to meet the new male in Charlotte's life.
True to form, he was already falling
far short of her high expectations.
He did it a minute ago.
He was inconsistent...
Get the ball.
...selfishly stubborn,
and hopelessly codependent.
Isn't he smart?
We can't stay,
I want to be at your place if Richard calls.
Aren't you leaving him?
If he calls,
I want to say I won't talk to him.
That's passive aggressive. You should
only talk if you have something to say.
- Do you believe I married a prick?
- You didn't know he was a prick.
I just can't believe that prick hasn't called.
Although, he does have this sweet side.
You just don't know him very well.
Did I do the right thing, Henry?
Should I give him another chance...
He's a dog, not an oracle.
The next morning, I woke up
to an unsettling birthday surprise.
Coming.
Sign here.
Thank you.
My God.
"Best wishes on your birthday."
It's from Big.
- What kind of flowers?
- Roses, red.
Big.
Expensive.
- What do you think it means?
- It means rip up the card.
And watch out for the thorns.
No, this is the grand gesture.
The grand gesture?
If you break up,
and he disappears from your life...
...it wasn't meant to be.
But if they make a powerful declaration
of their love, then you have to reconsider.
You think a dozen roses and a card saying,
"Best wishes" qualifies as a grand gesture?
You know men. They can never say,
"I was wrong." They just send flowers.
Sometimes a rose is just a rose.
Jewelry, that's another story.
Henry, no.
Henry, no, not the purse.
I really don't need this on my birthday.
What does this mean,
the ball's in my court or something?
I don't want to play games.
This is not the grand gesture.
This is the vague gesture...
...which is worse than no gesture.
Under the guise of thoughtfulness,
he's being very selfish.
I agree, he's muddied the waters.
You're all just cuckoo. He sends flowers
on her birthday and you condemn him.
Henry, no. No, damn it.
For chrissake, give the dog a break.
He's eaten four pairs of shoes.
I don't want him starting on purses.
Damn it, now. We're gonna go home.
You wanted to get out and socialize,
but you'll have to learn to behave.
Speaking of cuckoo...
Charlotte was at the point where
she was starting to see the real Henry.
But she did raise a valid question.
Was, "I was wrong,"
the one thing Mr. Big couldn't say?
I realized that just because
we were no longer together...
...didn't mean I couldn't be polite.
It's me.
Carrie.
How are you?
Great. I wanted to call
and thank you for the flowers.
That was thoughtful of you.
My secretary had it on her calendar,
so I, you know...
Your secretary sent them?
I sent the flowers,
my secretary alerted me to the day.
That was very thoughtful of her
and you for sending them.
You're welcome.
What are you doing on the big day?
Stanford's arranged this party
down at Layla, that Moroccan restaurant.
You should come.
The instant the words popped out
of my mouth, I regretted them.
I made plans already.
Or not. I mean, just forget it.
I could stop by later.
Fine. Whatever.
I may bring someone.
Come and bring that person
and maybe I'll see you later.
Thank you again for the thoughtful flowers.
I couldn't believe it.
I had just invited my ex and his date
to my birthday party.
As if getting older
wasn't traumatic enough.
That afternoon in the office
of Velma Rudin...
...celebrated psychologist
and author of In-to-me-see...
...A Couple's Guide to Intimacy...
...Samantha did her best not to say
the thing she knew she shouldn't say.
I've noticed that our sex life
has diminished.
That's normal, isn't it?
I mean, after a while...
How long has it been?
A month.
Don't take it all so seriously.
Have fun with your sexuality.
Have you tried playing erotic games?
Samantha almost confessed that James...
...had been playing
"hide the salami" since they met.
I'm just not feeling very sexual these days.
I saw you masturbating the other day
when I came out of the shower.
Many women are simply unable
to achieve orgasm through intercourse.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
You have a problem with intimacy.
No, that's not it.
- What is it?
- It's nothing.
Nothing you say can hurt me,
as long as it's what you're feeling.
That seems to be
all the time we have for today.
Nice work, you two.
Shall we say next week, same time?
Good for me.
The idea of seeing Velma "In-to-me-see"
Rudin on a weekly basis...
...was much more
than Samantha could bear.
Your penis is too small.
Excuse me?
It doesn't... and it just... it can't.
I can't.
It's just too damn small.
Did you ever stop to think
that maybe your vagina is too big?
What can I say? I need a big dick.
I hear that.
As Samantha paid the price
of mentioning the unmentionable...
...Miranda discovered that free speech
comes with a cost of its own.
I just love putting my hand
around your cock.
I just love hearing you say "cock."
Your big hard cock.
Cock, cock, cock.
Why couldn't I ever say that before?
It's just a word.
Why does it turn us both on when I say it?
What else do you like?
I like it when you're rough.
When you throw my legs over your head,
I lose control.
What do I like?
You like it when I'm biting your nipple.
What else?
You like it when I'm kissing your balls.
Keep going.
You really like it when
I slip my finger in your ass.
Excuse me?
You just love a finger in your ass.
How could I know,
"You love a finger in your ass"...
...is the one thing you can't say?
Trust me, that's not the only thing.
- But it's true, he enjoys it.
- So do a lot of men.
They enjoy it, but don't want it
brought to their attention.
Personally, I don't like anything in my ass.
I know that may come as a surprise.
I just feel so betrayed.
He wanted me to talk dirty, I got into it,
then he pulled the rug out from under me.
Men are so frustratingly inconsistent.
That's why I love my Henry.
He's a big love bug. You tell him
anything and he licks your face.
Charlotte, you may be onto something.
Another double vodka rocks
for the birthday girl.
The truth was, vodka was my only ally.
At any moment, Big was gonna walk in
with his gorgeous date...
...smile at me like some distant stranger
and say something crushing...
Happy birthday, baby.
Glad you could make it.
I can't stay long.
I left my camel outside.
You remember Jack?
Jack is your date?
I wasn't aware
we were formally dating, but...
It is so good to see you again.
How have you been?
Marvelous, I split up with a bitch who
broke my heart. She didn't get my money.
Happy birthday to me.
An hour later, my Arabian Nights fantasy...
...birthday felt like Midnight Express.
- How are you?
- Great.
How are you?
Good. Fine.
Good.
Excuse me,
what is your ex doing at your birthday?
I told him to drop by for a drink.
I didn't think he'd stay for a lap dance.
My God, have you tried the baba ganooj?
It is to die for.
I don't eat baba ganooj.
You don't know what you're missing.
I can't believe the bastard dared to come.
I can't believe what
she does with her navel.
Please, I'm about to lose my couscous.
While I watched my ex
get a Mesopotamian lap dance...
...Susan Sharon made a play
for Mr. Marvelous.
I can't deal with being single all over again.
Every relationship has its ups and downs.
My husband and I work very hard.
We probably don't spend
enough damn time together.
Compounded by the fact that neither of us
gets enough sleep. Then again, who does?
I really never imagined myself
as a divorcee, you know?
It's more important to till your own soil
than to go in search of greener pastures.
Do you ever shut the fuck up?
In that moment, Susan Sharon realized
she desperately missed her husband.
That night, Charlotte came home
to a very unpleasant surprise.
Bad!
Charlotte realized,
like so many males before him...
...Henry had shit all over her perfect world.
He and Charlotte soon parted ways.
The one thing she could never say was,
"I got rid of the puppy."
We all know what happened to him.
He'd become the glue that put Susan
Sharon and her husband back together.
Shut up.
Shut the fuck up.
Although neither of them could
admit that a dog saved their marriage.
Later that evening, as my birthday passed
into the early hours of just another day...
...I found myself alone
on the street with Mr. Big.
Another year older.
And none the wiser.
That's the way it goes.
- Can I give you a ride home?
- No, I'm just gonna grab a cab.
- Do you need cab fare?
- No, I'm okay.
Good, because I think I left all my $20
in that belly dancer's crotch.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
As I watched him go, I realized the one
thing I couldn't say to Mr. Big was...
..."I'm still not over you."
Translation And Subtitles By
Captions, Inc. Los Angeles
Ripped by RavyDavy
part of the [RL] Crew