Sex and the City (1998–2004): Season 1, Episode 9 - The Turtle and the Hare - full transcript

Carrie is presented to Stanford Blatch's adored, classy grandmother, but comes to the conclusion his being gay cancels all his qualities on her bottom line and probably in her last will. Miranda is losing her self-respect after many rejections, but turns to blind dating - just to walk out on the first man who's still willing to give it a go when they meet. Samantha tries everything to turn Bernie Turtletaub, a Wall street guru but society laughing stock with viciously bad breath the girls met at the "singles" table at a posh wedding, into a fashionable date, but can even the best PR expert's make-over make up for his intrinsic lack of charm?

In a city of perf ect people...

no one was more perf ect than Brooke.

She was an interior designer
who only dated A-list guys.

For Brooke, every Saturday night
was like the senior prom.

So, when she got married...

we were all dying to see
which one had made the cut.

Was I the only one who remembered
that Brooke once described this man...

as more boring than exposed brick?

It was your average $100,000 wedding.

Investment bankers
and the women who hate them...

classmates from Steiner,
Dalton and Brown...

and us.

We looked like
The Witches of Eastwick.

A wedding this size always
has two singles tables.

We were at the other one.


Hi. I'm Bernie Turtletaub,
friend of the groom.

It was the Turtle.
A Manhattan legend known f or two things:

good investments and bad breath.

My f eet are killing me.

- Sit down.
- I can't. This outfit works if I stand.

I think it works either way.

You know, I think
I'm at that table over there.

Your friend is gorgeous.

What do I have to do
to get to know her better?

Do you think the pears
in this tart are bosc or bartlett?

Who cares?

Two hours later, we were bored.

Supplies were dwindling...

and one of our passengers
had jumped ship.

Are we gonna stick around
and catch the bouquet?

That is so not going to happen.

Bosc! They've got to be bosc.

Can you believe I finally did it?

You're next.
Bill's got some great single friends.

It's always better to marry someone
who loves you more than you love them.

People are always telling me things
I don't want to hear.

But this one crossed the line.

Did I wake you?

- Not at all.
- Question.

Why do people get married
if they're not in love?

I don't know.

Companionship, guilt,
political asylum?

- Why did you get married?
- I was a f ool in love.

That is so sweet.

-And then I was a f ool in divorce court.
-Now you're just a f ool.

Exactly. Which is why I'm never
getting married again.

Suddenly, I had to concentrate
on breathing.

- Are you in bed with someone?
- No. Are you?

Just three slices of wedding cake.
You jealous?

That depends. What are your plans
f or the frosting?

- Good night.
- Good night.

I hung up the phone wondering...

could I date a man
who would never get married?

Wow! A guy who doesn't want
to get married! Film at 11:00!

Don't tell me
you're surprised by this.

You know who wants to get married?
Men who miss their mommies.

Maybe this wasn't my target audience.

Am I the only one who thinks
this is a major bummer?

What if you spend five years with him
and in the end you have nothing?

I wasn't thinking about it until he said
I couldn't. Now it's all I think about.

Just be cool. You don't care.

Then he'll wonder why you don't...

which will make him realize he does,
and then it's a whole new ball game.

So in your world,
it's always sixth grade.

A relationship has to be based
on honesty and communication to succeed.

Okay. If you were 25,
that would be adorable...

but you're 32 now,
so that's just stupid.

- I can't just ignore it, can l?
- Yes. No!

What's the big deal? ln 50 years,
men are gonna be obsolete anyway.

Already you can't talk to them,
you don't need them to have kids with...

you don't even need them
to have sex with anymore...

as I've just
very pleasantly discovered.

Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody just got
their first vibrator.

Not first. Ultimate.
And I think I'm in love.

Oh, please, stop!
This is so sad.

I'm not gonna replace a man
with some battery-operated device.

You say that, but you haven't met
"The Rabbit."

If you're gonna get a vibrator,
at least get one called "The Horse."

A vibrator does not call you on your
birthday, send flowers the next day...

and you cannot take a vibrator home
to meet your mother.

I know where my next orgasm is
coming from. Who here can say as much?

That night, Samantha went on a date
with a flesh and blood man...

while the three of us went in search
of furrier companionship.

Ladies, I'd like you to meet the Rabbit.


Please! Think about the money
we spend on shoes.

I have no intention of using that.
I'm saving sex f or someone I love.

Is there a man in the picture?

Look! Oh, it's so cute.

I thought it would be all scary
and weird, but it isn't. It's pink!

For girls!

Look. The little bunny has
a little f ace like Peter Rabbit.

It's even got a remote.
How lazy do you have to be?

Later that night,
back at the brier patch--


You are not going to believe
the evening I've had.

- Are you listening to me?
- Yeah.

Jerry, who Samantha met
at Brooke's wedding...

took her to Lava,
New York's restaurant du jour.

From the moment I saw you at
that wedding, I knew we'd have dinner.

Aren't you cocky!

I'm the kind of guy,
I see something...

I like it, I go after it.

You sound like my kind of guy.

Hold that thought.
I'll be right back.

Ten minutes and a couple
of cocktails later--

Where the hell is he?

He obviously had seen something else
he liked and gone after it.

Then, just when she thought
her evening couldn't get any worse--

Hey, Samantha!

It's me.

Bernie Turtletaub from the wedding.

Oh, right.

Are you here all by yourself?

Sort of. I'm--

Sit down, join me!

You look great.

What Samantha needed now more than
anything was a compliment from anyone.

I can't believe the synchronicity.
I was just thinking about you!

So, do you like this shirt?

My ex-girlfriend
picked it out f or me.

Honey, no off ense,
but your breath--

I know.

It's these Chinese herbs I'm taking.
You know, f or longer lif e.

With breath like that, you're gonna live
a very long lif e alone.

I killed the last woman
who talked to me like that.

Samantha was impressed.
The Turtle had attempted a joke.

Once we get the breath under control,
we're shopping f or a new wardrobe.

He's a cute little fixer-upper.

Sweetheart, he's a man,
not a brownstone.

When I'm through with him,
he'll be Gracie Mansion.

Samantha and the Turtle?

But then again, I'm dating a man
who will never get married...

and Miranda is having a meaningful
relationship with something from a box.

In a city of great expectations, is it
time to settle f or what you can get?

I needed some answers.

Later that week, I met Brooke.

Just back from her honeymoon, she was
all business: the business of marriage.

I'd like to return these.

Can you melt them down
into one decent gift?

His friends.

So, how is it being married?

It's f abulous. I f eel like
an enormous weight has been lifted.

- And that's a good thing.
- What's that supposed to mean?

It just means you're happy
with Allen, right?

Yes, I'm happy.

Then I'm happy f or you.

Listen, I hope I didn't give you
the wrong idea.

I think Allen's great.

He's incredibly successful.

We think we're Carolyn Bessette. One day
John-John's out of the picture...

and we're happy just to have some guy
who can throw around a frisbee.

- Look who's here. Hey, you two!
- What a small world!

I couldn't believe it.

It was the Turtle
wearing Helmut Lange.

- Wow, he looks great!
- Doesn't he?

He twirls!

- What do you think?
- Fabulous.

He's like a whole new person.

Don't I have a 3:00?

That's right. I'm taking him
to Bliss f or a f acial.

See you later. Bye.

I have to run, too.
I'll call you.

Smart girl.

She seems happy.

Samantha left with the Turtle,
Brooke left with a better gift...

and I left wondering if everyone
in Manhattan was settling.

My Zen teacher told me that there was
nothing like yoga to quiet a busy mind.

Just as I had reached the moment
of no thought--

- I think I broke my vagina.
- Sorry. Am I pulling too hard?

Metaphorically, I mean.
With the Rabbit.

- So you've been using it!
- Yes.

I'm scared if I keep using it, I won't
be able to enjoy sex with a man again.


Have you ever been with a man...

and he's doing everything
and it f eels good...

but somehow you just can't manage to--



Well, it's weird, 'cause with
the Rabbit it's like every time, boom!

And one time,
I came f or like five minutes.

It's not illegal.

Yeah, but no man ever did that.
I'm scared. What am I gonna do?

You could still enjoy sex with a man
and the Rabbit.

No, no.
I'm done with it.

That's it. I'm never going
to touch that thing again.

- I got to cancel on the ballet tonight.
- Why?

I'm expecting a phone call...

Iong distance phone call,

Charlotte could never tell
a decent lie.

I knew an addict when I saw one.

I love Sleeping Beauty!
The music, the sex, the costumes!

It's so romantic!

You like it because she gets to sleep
f or 100 years, and doesn't age.

I invited Stanf ord to the ballet.
I knew he was available.

Stanf ord, cute, huh?

I've had it
with the whole gay scene.

It's so competitive. You won't believe
what happened to me last week.

Evidently Stanf ord,
tired of bars and blind dates...

decided to place a personal ad.

He scheduled a rendezvous with the only
respondent on a cold, Sunday afternoon.

Twenty minutes and three f alse alarms
later, he was ready to call it quits.

Stanf ord?


Sorry. This is not gonna happen.

It's so brutal out there.

Even guys like me
don't want guys like me.

I just don't have that gay look.

I don't know.
You look pretty gay to me.

Come on, maybe it's just a phase.

Puberty is a phase. Fifteen years
of rejection is a lif estyle.

Sometimes I think I should just marry
a woman and get all the money.

- What is there, a cash prize?
- Yeah.

My grandmother gives everyone
their inheritance when they get married.

- She doesn't know you're gay?
- She doesn't believe in gay.

Really? That's funny.
Big doesn't believe in marriage.

Maybe you should propose to me,
and we'll all live happily ever after.

-You really do want it all.
-I don't know. Maybe nobody gets it all.

Though, you do have a point.

We're best friends.
We make each other laugh.

We both sleep with men.

This is not a bad idea at all.

- Actually, I was kidding.
- I'm not! Think about it.

Who else would keep you in expensive
shoes and encourage you to cheat?

Now you're talking!

Friday night with a man who shared
my passion f or hot men in tights.

Saturday afternoon in bed with a man
who shared my passion f or passion.

Maybe there was such a thing
as having it all.

What's that smile about?

Oh, I got a marriage proposal
last night.


From whom?

A very handsome, witty young man
about to come into his inheritance.

Oh, I see.
Anyone I know?

Actually his name is Stanf ord.
Stanf ord Blatch.

I thought he was gay.

He is.

That should make
f or an interesting column.

What are you gonna do
about sex?

I have you.

I guess you've got it all
figured out...

Mrs. Blatch.

The more he mocked me, the more I became
convinced that this idea was genius.

That night, Miranda and I had plans
to join Charlotte...

f or a gallery opening
in Chelsea when--

- Hello?
- Carrie, it's Charlotte.

I'm really sorry,
but I'm going to have to cancel.

I'm totally wiped out.

Wiped out!

That was Charlotte speak f or "I'm
spending the night with my vibrator."

But you guys have fun, though.

There was only one thing to do.

A rabbit intervention.

Come on, let's go!

- Okay, where is it?
- What are you talking about?

The Rabbit.
Give us the Rabbit.

Hey, it's a vibrator.
It's not like it's crack.

You hid the Rabbit behind
a stuff ed rabbit? That is so you.

You have a lot of nerve coming in here.
You're the one who made me get it.

I thought you could handle it.

No big deal. I'd rather stay home with
the Rabbit than go out, deal with men.

All right. You're right.
I'll go get dressed.

With a little help from her friends,
Charlotte decided...

that she wasn't
going to settle f or herself.

While Samantha was doing everything
in her power to remake the Turtle...

into a man she could f all
in love with.

- How's your dinner?
- It's questionable.

I can't figure out whether
the mushrooms are shitake or chantrelle.

They're definitely not porcini.

Maybe they're wood ear.

Maybe it doesn't matter.

My God!
They're trompettes!

It was then that Samantha realized
that even with all her eff ort...

he was still just
the Turtle in black.

You know, I'm not f eeling very well.

I think I'm going
to have to send myself home.

I'll call you.

Excuse me.
Do you like this shirt?

My ex-girlfriend picked it out.

After 12 phone calls
and three e-mails...

Stanf ord badgered me into at least
meeting his grandmother.

I love that suit you're wearing.

Designed by Coco Chanel herself.

- Seriously?
- Grandmother's worn that f or 40 years.

And it still fits.

- It never goes out of style.
- Never.

I have it in blue, black, pink.

And eggshell!


Stanf ord tells me
you're a writer.

Yes, I have a column in The Star.

I was a career woman
many, many years ago.

But I gave it up
to have children.

Oh, wow! ls this you?

Not a bad-looking girl.
Don't you think?

Doesn't she look exactly like
Deborah Kerr in An Aff air to Remember?

She does.

Oh, my God!
This has to be Stanf ord.

- You're the same person.
- That's enough.

Come on. This is fun. I had no idea
you had such a big f amily.

How about you, honey?
Do you want a f amily?

As I looked around at all the
memorabilia and f amily photographs...

the f aces of brides and grooms,
children and grandchildren...

I realized--

Yes, I do.

Stanny, be a dear. Go in the kitchen
and get me some matches.

Of course.

I love my Stanf ord.
He's a very sweet boy.

But you know, he is a fruit.

I realized then that the only
inheritance Stanf ord was going to get...

was her collection of Chanel suits.

Salt. Yeah.

That night at dinner, I knew I would
have to break the news to Mr. Big.

What do you think?

I do want to get married someday.

Maybe not today.

But I can't date somebody that won't.
What's the point?

Definitely too much salt.

I mean, it's all in the timing.
You gotta brown the garlic...

bef ore you put in the onions,
know what I mean?

I thought we were having fun.

It's bitter, but it definitely
has possibilities.

You have a little bit
of sauce on the lip...

right there.

My Zen teacher also said
the only way to true happiness...

is to live in the moment
and not worry about the future.

Of course,
he died penniless and single.