Sex and the City (1998–2004): Season 1, Episode 8 - Three's a Crowd - full transcript

Once upon a time, in a magical land
called Manhattan,

a young woman fell in love.

Charlotte and Jack locked eyes at
a black tie benefit for Epstein/Barr.

She chased him through
every disease in New York.

They've been officially dating
since retinitus pigmentosis.

Jack was perfect for her.
Architect, philanthropist,

and the sex was amazing.

Late one night,
Jack popped the inevitable question.

So...

- What are your fantasies?
- Oh, God.

I'd love to own my own gallery,
and maybe a little cottage in Maine.



Well, actually I meant more like
screwing in an airplane bathroom

kind of fantasies.

The closest Charlotte had ever come
to getting screwed on a plane

was losing her luggage.

I've always wanted
to do it in my parents' bed.

- Wild, I like it.
- What about you?

- You, me, and another woman.
- Come on!

I'm serious.

Charlotte, you have
no idea how sexy you are, do you?

The idea of you touching
another woman...

God, it makes me hard
just thinking about it.

- Jack wants us to do a threesome.
- Of course he does. Every guy does.

Threesomes now
are the blow job of the '90s.

- What was the blow job of the '80s?
- Anal sex.



Don't get pressured into it.
It's just a ploy to watch you be a lesbian.

- Don't knock it until you've tried it.
- I had a threesome once in college.

I was drunk, and I woke up
in someone else's bra.

Only do a threesome
as the guest star -

the girl the couple gets to come in,
screw, and leave.

- The pinch hitter.
- Exactly. It's perfect.

Great sex, without wondering
about your relationship.

- But you don't have relationships.
- Which is why I have great sex.

- I've never done a threesome.
- Because you have relationships.

- Well, I've never done a threesome.
- Of course you haven't.

You in a threesome?
You won't even wear a thong!

- Jack thinks I'm sexy.
- He's buttering you up.

First, you start thinking you're hot,
then he brings up the threesome thing.

Boom! Suddenly you're kissing
another woman while he beats off.

Make sure the other woman
isn't a friend.

Use somebody
you meet in a bar or something.

- That's romantic.
- No, I think I'd feel safer with a friend.

Someone I could trust, like Carrie.

Oh, gee, I'm flattered.

But I'd go with someone
who has a little more experience, like Sam.

Well, thanks.

But there is something
sexy about a first-timer like Charlotte.

Really?

Oh, great, no, forget about me.

- Oh, come on.
- You know, I'd do it with you guys!

It's like picking teams
for dodgeball all over again.

Was Samantha right? Were threesomes
the new sexual frontier?

No question.
Guys were infatuated with threesomes.

And when I started looking,
they were everywhere.

After all, our lives are built on threesomes.

Fat, low-fat, non-fat.
First, business, economy. Moe, Larry, Curly.

Maybe we were never meant
to do it with only one other person.

Maybe threesomes
were the relationship of the future.

Meanwhile, Samantha had been starring

in a show I call
'"Sam Does The Married Guy'".

- I love that you're not my wife.
- I love that, too.

I mean, that thing
you do with your hips.

Ruth won't even get on top.

Ken was 37, a wine importer,

unhappily married to a woman
who designed modular office furniture.

This affair
was the most exciting thing

that had happened to him
since the '94 Montrachet.

Five hours later,
Charlotte's night was just beginning.

She and Jack had just had
another fantastic date, dancing for dyslexia.

So, what do you think of her?

- Is she hot?
- Jack!

You're right.

- Maybe she's more your taste.
- Stop it.

- Have a light?
- Sorry. I don't smoke.

That's a shame.

Did you see that? She was flirting with us.

She was flirting with you.

Charlotte, you're such a turn-on,
and you have no idea.

You're giving off
this sexual energy all the time.

A vibe like you've got a fire inside you.

She'd be crazy not to be into you.

Who knows whether it was
her vodka or her vibe,

but Charlotte suddenly felt warm.

- She put her hand on my leg.
- So, should I ask her to join us?

That night,
she had an eye-opening experience.

Charlotte hadn't been that excited
since she became a cheerleader.

What do you think
your dream meant?

I'm in a sandbox with Charlotte, Sam,
and Carrie and they won't play with me.

Please, it's obvious.

Miranda was dealing
with her own nightmare.

I know it's juvenile, but it bothers me.
I'm attractive, I'm smart...

people should want me for a threesome.

So, you're saying
you're attracted to your girlfriends?

No! But if your friends
won't go down on you, who will?

- Well, that's some dream.
- It was so real. I can't stop thinking about it.

- And I think I enjoyed it.
- That's great.

Dreams are a good way to experiment.

It's like buying a dress
and keeping the tags on.

Do you think it means
I should have a threesome?

Jack says I have a fire inside me.

- Tell him they make a cream for that.
- I'm serious!

- Don't do it just to make Jack happy.
- Maybe it would bring us closer.

Sweetie, it's weird to sleep with someone
you don't know to get closer to Jack?

But how well do we ever know
the people we sleep with?

That was Charlotte. Just when you think
she's a Park Avenue Pollyanna,

she'd say something so right on,
you'd think she was the Dalai Lama.

Is my hair too shiny?

And then she'd say
something else.

But the bigger question remained...

if Charlotte was considering
a threesome, who wasn't?

The Village Voice
had more ads for threesomes

than for small rat-infested studios
renting at $1,000 a month.

But who answered these ads?

Wall Street honcho seeks two horny gals
for a fuck-fest at my summer home.

No fatties, please.

Sweet, suburban school teacher
seeks two men to fulfil her fantasies.

You be black or Hispanic.
I'll be on time.

I need your dick now.

X-files fanatic twosome seeks
Scully look-alike for abduction fantasy.

Me, gorgeous with big boobs.
You, a couple with class.

Let's experience everything the city has.

I'm into museums,
blow jobs, theatre, and golden showers.

I seemed to be the only person who
still believed in the one-on-one relationship.

Mr Big and I were doing sleep-overs.

Which one?

This one.

You better be careful.
I could get used to this.

Why is it that putting
a tie around a man's neck

is sometimes even sexier
than taking it off?

What are you doing for lunch?
I could swing an hour between meetings.

No, sorry. I can't.

- I have to interview someone.
- About what?

Threesomes. Ever done one?

Sure. Who hasn't?

Really? With who?

My ex-wife.

Suddenly my column
was the last thing on my mind.

- You were married?
- Yeah, I thought I told you.

No, no, you didn't.

- An ex-wife, that's a new twist.
- And they had wild sex, threesomes.

We used to have wild sex,
but now we have sweet sex.

- Wild beats sweet.
- But he's not with her.

Because they stopped having wild sex.

- Ken's wife won't give him a blow job.
- Is that supposed to make me feel better?

He'll never leave his wife for you.
They never do.

Thank God. Who needs the trouble?
No muss, no fuss.

- Sounds like you're selling toilet cleaner.
- Does this colour turn you on?

Miranda was certainly determined.

- It's a little bit orange.
- There's only one thing left to do.

- What, leave him before he leaves me?
- You kidding? Check out the ex.

Charlotte was right. We don't really know
the people we sleep with.

After all,
what did I know about Mr Big?

Except he had an ex-wife named Barbara
who worked in publishing.

My plan was to pitch her
a steamy bodice-ripping paperback.

She'd probably reject it, but I'd get
five minutes face-to-face with her.

Carrie?

Come right in.
Barbara's ready for you.

...Thanks, bye.
Carrie Bradshaw. I am so excited.

Sit down. I am a huge fan of your work.

Good taste and beautiful.
Could it get worse?

Special Olympics chairwoman.

Sorry. I haven't hung it yet.
So, I'm dying to hear your pitch.

I never knew you were interested
in writing children's books.

Well, who doesn't
love children's books?

Five minutes of bodice-ripping
material wasted.

So I did what any writer would do.
I pulled an idea out of my ass.

Well, my story
is about a little girl...

named Cathy. Little Cathy.

And what makes Little Cathy special?

Well, she's got these magic...

cigarettes.

She has magic cigarettes?

Yes, Little Cathy
and her magic cigarettes.

Whenever she lights up,
she can go anywhere in the world.

You know... Arabia, New Jersey.

I mean that stuff is all
gonna be worked out, of course.

You wanna write
a children's book about smoking?

It's a children's book for adults.

- You are outrageous. I love it!
- I thought you might.

I've been dying to do something
with an edge. This could be great.

It was the last straw. She was smart,
beautiful, and she got me.

I'd have to kill her.

Samantha was about to have
a close encounter with the third kind.

- Oh, sorry.
- I'm sorry... Ken!

- Sam.
- You two know each other?

- Sure.
- Not really.

Ruth, this is Samantha.
She bought some pinot noir from me.

- Sam, this is my wife, Ruth.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- OK, we should be going. See ya.

That afternoon Samantha successfully
screwed a guy in under two minutes.

The more Miranda analysed,
the worse her nightmares got.

So the four of us get into a cab,
only they won't let me sit with them.

They make me sit with the driver,
who's like Chris from The Partridge Family.

You're still very upset about being
sexually rejected by your friends.

Let me ask you something.

Would you do
a threesome with me?

I think we need
to talk about why you're asking me.

That's a '"no'"?

That night, I thought I could put the whole
Barbara thing out of my mind.

After all, Mr Big was with me now.

Nibbling his ear lobes? How sweet.

Let me show you
how it's really done.

So, I guess you can't avoid a threesome,
someone's always been there before you.

What just happened? Where'd you go?

- Preoccupied.
- No kidding. About what?

Your ex-wife's breasts,
your ex-wife's lips, your ex-wife's long legs.

...My column.

I didn't tell you I was married
because it was a long time ago.

- What happened?
- Alienation of affection, then divorce.

Let's not talk about
the past, please.

What Mr Big didn't realise was
the past was sleeping right next to me.

The next day the flesh
and blood Barbara asked me to lunch.

- Hi. Thanks for meeting me.
- Oh, thanks for inviting me.

You changed your hair.

Oh, thanks.

- Listen I have some news.
- I'm back with Mr Big!

The head guys
didn't go for Little Cathy.

They wouldn't know
a good book if it bit 'em in the ass.

- Yeah, fuck 'em.
- I still love the project,

and at the risk of sounding like a groupie,
I'd really like to become friends.

Friends?

Two hours later,
I was sleeping with the enemy.

- So, never married?
- Once. A long time ago.

- Really? What happened?
- He had a wandering eye.

It wandered over
to my best friend.

So, what about you?
Are you seeing anyone?

No one special.

For Samantha,
the shit was about to hit the phone.

- Hello.
- It's over. I told my wife!

- Who is this?
- It's Ken.

- Wait. You told Ruth about us?
- I'm in love with you.

- Now we can be together.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

Hang on.

- Hello.
- Samantha?

This is Ruth Scheer... Ken's wife.

- Yeah, I found your number.
- Hang on.

- Listen to me. You love your wife.
- No, I'm in love with you!

No, no, no, no.

Sam's no muss, no fuss affair
was starting to feel very mussy.

- I'm back.
- I don't know who you are,

but Ken and I love each other very much.

- Of course you do.
- And we have an unshakable bond.

I'm going to keep this marriage together.

Good for you!
Listen, Ruth this was a huge mistake.

- It didn't mean anything. It was just sex.
- Exactly.

And if being sexually adventuresome
will keep this marriage together,

then I am prepared to join you...

...with him... in bed.

Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

Samantha was a guest star.
Series regular was not in her contract.

That night at the attention deficit ball,

Charlotte felt free
to indulge her fantasy.

It's amazing what some sequins
on a stick can do to free up inhibitions.

Who here is your type?

- Do you like peacocks?
- Do you?

Then Charlotte did the unthinkable.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. She winked at me.

- Excellent.
- I need to get out of here.

- Hey, you OK?
- Yeah, yeah, I think so.

- So, how'd it feel?
- Weird.

Well, I enjoyed it.

- I do have another fantasy.
- What's that?

Doing it upstairs at a party.

Can I join you?

She realised that this was her moment.

If she was gonna
take the plunge, it was now or never.

Unfortunately,
it was Jack who plunged first.

Apparently someone else's fire
was stronger than Charlotte's.

She was not the guest star
in this fantasy.

Meanwhile,
at a bar downtown...

- Miranda?
- Hi.

What a relief.

Most of the women
who answered our ad, well,

you know, they were kind of...

- Butt ugly.
- Oh, nothing like you.

- Thanks.
- We've never done this before.

It's a huge fantasy of Mark's.
I offered to do it for his 30th birthday.

Whatever happened to giving a nice pen?

So are you doing anything tonight?

Let me just be clear.
You want to do a threesome with me.

If you're busy, we understand.

I tell you what.
Let me make a quick phone call, OK?

That night Miranda finally
got her validation.

Her shrink had suggested
she comes three times a week.

I didn't see Mr Big for eight days.

- Well, that was a great meal.
- Yeah, it was.

Actually, the food was terrible
and we were like strangers.

- What is wrong?
- Look. You tell me you have an ex-wife.

You tell me you guys had a three-way.
Yes, I asked.

But you drop this bomb,
but you don't give me any details.

You don't even tell me
why you broke up.

- I cheated on her.
- Yeah, I know. She told me at lunch.

I know you know.
She told me she told you.

She told you?
See, that's another thing.

You didn't tell me
that you're still talking.

- I still talk to all my ex-wives.
- I'm so not finding that funny.

Listen, wait a minute.

We had the threesome because
we were both looking for someone else.

Do you know anyone
who's right for me?

And then it was
just the two of us.

And I realised the real
appeal of the threesome: it was easy.

It's intimacy that's the bitch.