Sex and the City (1998–2004): Season 1, Episode 2 - Models and Mortals - full transcript

Miranda discovers she was invited at Nick's, where all guests are asked with which movie star in the prime they would have loved to do it, to make a change with all those brainless models he keeps dating. The girlfriends see models as a living nightmare as those terribly demanded competitors actually walk around in Manhattan, giving them socially imposed inferiority complexes, except man-eater Sam. Carrie's friend poor painter Barkley, a serial 'modelizer', treats models as things and secretly videotapes his sex with them; Sam sees him as a challenge for her as superior non-model, and even insists to be taped. Stanford introduces Carrie to his friend and best client, gorgeous underwear-model Derek 'The Bone', who actually asks to stay the night with her and is even more shy and lonely then mortals who crave models, wanting to become a cop in his Iowa home town.

Last night my friend Miranda
got invited to a dinner party...

by a man she hardly knew.

She was the date
of Nick Waxler...

a fairly successful sports agent
who once told her she had nice legs.


Old movie stars you'd have liked to fuck
when they were young.

Alive or dead?

It doesn't matter.
I'll start.

Veronica Lake, the year she made
Sullivan's Travels.


I'd have to say
Sophia Loren.

Probably 'cause my dad
had this thing for her.

We won't go there.
Montgomery Clift.

- He was gay.
- Oh.

Marilyn Monroe,
before the Kennedys got to her.

- Honey?
- Bing Crosby.

I stand by my choice.

Sean Connery.

Yesterday, today and tomorrow.

For a first date, Miranda felt like
she was hitting it out of the ballpark.


So how long have
you known Nick?

We've been riding the same
elevator line for years...

and then we had lunch
a few weeks ago...

and then he
invited me here to dinner.

- Well, we adore him.
- He's very smart.

- Guess he took our ultimatum seriously.
- Deanne.

What are you talking about?

They told Miranda
that Nick had this thing for models.

Old movie stars you'd have
liked to fuck when they were young.

I'll start. Veronica Lake,
the year she made Sullivan's Travels.

- Dave?
- I'd have to go with Sophia Loren.

My dad had a thing for her.

- Montgomery Clift.
- Marilyn Monroe.

Bing Crosby.


I don't know.
Charlie Sheen?

They'd come to dinner...

push their food around and pout.

Veronica Lake.

- Sophia Loren.
- Montgomery Clift.

Marilyn Monroe.

Bing Crosby.


She had to make a phone call.

It got to be a problem.
They decided to take action.

Can't you find a woman who can
carry on a decent conversation?

Yeah, Nick.
And eat without purging.

What are you saying?

You can't bring around any more
of these so-called models.

It's too depressing.

Okay, okay.
I'll see what I can do.

And then he brought you.

- So obviously not a model.
- In a good way!

Nick dates models?

Miranda confronted him,
and it didn't take him long to fold.

It's true. It's true, okay?
I'm obsessed.

- Obsessed with models.
- Correct.

So what am l?
Your intellectual beard for the evening?

Don't be pissed, all right?

You gotta admit,
you met some nice people.

You had a good time. Okay?

You were on a date
with a modelizer...

and you didn't even know it?

If men like Nick are dating models,
what chance do ordinary women have?

Do you have to be a supermodel
to get a date in New York?

Modelizers are
a particular breed.

They're a step
beyond womanizers...

who will sleep with just about
anything in a skirt.

Modelizers are obsessed
not with women, but with models...

who in most cities are safely confined
to billboards and magazines...

but in Manhattan,
actually run wild on the streets...

turning the city into
a virtual Model Country Safari...

where men can pet the creatures
in their natural habitat.

As if we didn't
have enough problems.

They're stupid and lazy
and should be shot on sight.

I've been out
with lots of guys...

and they say I am just as beautiful
as a model, but I work for a living.

I'm like, well--

I'm like a model
who's taken the high road.

The advantages given to models
and to beautiful women in general...

are so unfair,
it makes me puke.

- Sweetheart, you are so cute.
- Cute doesn't cut it in this town.

What's cute
compared to supermodel?

There's nothing like raising the subject
of models among four single women...

to spice up an otherwise
dull Tuesday night.

They have this
distant, sexy look.

That's not sexy,
it's starvation.

That's starvation
in the best restaurants.

What I wanna know is...

when did all the men
get together and decide...

that they would only get it up
for giraffes with big breasts?

In some cultures, heavy women
with mustaches are considered beautiful.

You're looking at me
while you're saying that?

We should just admit
that we live in a culture...

that promotes impossible
standards of beauty.

- Except men think they're possible.
- Yeah.

No matter how good
I feel about myself...

if I see Christy Turlington,
I just wanna give up.

I wanna force-feed her lard, but that's
the difference between you and me.

What are you talking about?

Look at you two.
You're beautiful.

- I hate my thighs.
- Oh, come on.

I can't even open a magazine without
thinking, "thighs, thighs, thighs."

I'll take your thighs
and raise you a chin.

I'll take your chin
and raise you a--


Oh, come on.

I happen to love the way I look.

You should.
You paid enough for it.

Hey, I resent that.

I do not believe in plastic surgery.
Well, not yet.

I find it fascinating that four
beautiful flesh and blood women...

could be intimidated
by some unreal fantasy.

I mean, look.
Look at this.

Is this really intimidating
to any of you?

- I hate my thighs.
- Pass the chicken.

I have that dress.

Suddenly I was interested.

If models could cause
otherwise rational individuals...

to crumble in their presence,
exactly how powerful was beauty?

There are two types of guys
that fall for beautiful women.

Either they're slime-balls
that are just out to get laid...

or they fall in love with you instantly.
It's pathetic.

Why fuck the girl
in the skirt...

if you can fuck the girl
in the ad for the skirt?

Being beautiful is such a power.
You can get whatever you want.

You can get anything.

I've been off ered trips to Aspen,
weekends in Paris...

Christmas in St. Barts.

A motorcycle, a juicer.

It's not like models
don't have brains.

They have them.
They just don't need to use them.

Most guys just think you're dumb,
but I'm really very literary. I read.

I'll sit down and read
a whole magazine from cover to cover.

Some scuba gear...

a Herb Ritt's photo.

A Bulgari necklace,
a breast job.

My friends think I'm shallow.
Sometimes I think they're right.

Other times I think,
"Hey, I'm fucking a model."

Models are a lot looser
than you think.

It's way easier to screw a model
than a regular girl...

'cause that's what
they do all the time.

It's how regular people are
when they're on vacation.

Barkley, a notorious modelizer...

was one of those SoHo wonders
who maintained a fabulous lifestyle...

despite never having sold
a single painting.

So you're saying
it's easy to meet them?

No, it's not so easy.

The trick is, you gotta treat them
like they're regular girls.

You gotta be able to roll into a place,
walk up to the hottest thing there.

Otherwise you're finished.
It's kind of like being around dogs.

- You gotta show no fear.
- Things?

You call them things?

Well, they are things.

They're beautiful things.
And that's what my life's about.


Come here. I want
to show you something.

This is my real art...

only I can't really
show it to the public.

Well, not yet, at least.
Sit down.

That's Vanessa.
That's Tanya.



I couldn't believe it.

The man had slept with half
the perfume ads in September's Vogue.

Do they know about this?


Oh, look at that one.

She does runway now,
but I think she's gonna be huge someday.

I didn't know what to say. There really
wasn't anything to say except--

Do you have a light?


Later that day
I was relieved to discover...

that at least one eligible bachelor
got his kicks off the runway.

- So I totally dig your friend Miranda.
- That's great.

Yeah, I think she is
so sexy and smart and--

- Did she tell you that we made out?
- No.

Yeah, it was totally hot.

Why don't you call her?

- You should call her.
- I did, like a hundred times.

She totally won't return my phone calls.
Did she say anything about me?

I don't know, maybe she's just busy.
Am I not cute enough for her?

Of course you are, Skipper.
You're adorable.

I don't know. Find out for me.
I wanna see if I still have a chance.

- Right now, in front of you?
- I can handle it.

Hi, this is Miranda.
Please leave me a message.

Oh, it's her machine.

Hey, this is Skipper.
I'm in the street with Carrie.

I just told her
how you won't call me back.

So now you have to call me back.
You better call me back!

No, I'm kidding.
I'm joking.

But seriously, I hope
you call me back and...

did I mention this was Skipper?

I believe there is a curse
put on the head of anybody...

who tries to
fix up their friends.

Where better to find modelizers in their
natural habitat than a fashion show?

Luckily, my friend Stanf ord Blatch had
a client in the hottest show in town.

"The Bone" is like the human
equivalent of the sable coat.

He's so beautiful that I find
that sometimes I have to look away.

- Do you see him?
- Right over there.

- Where?
- Look at him.

It's like he travels with
his own personal lighting director.

Derek, a.k.a. "The Bone"...

was the world's biggest underwear model
and Stanf ord's most important client...

as well as the subject
of his single-minded obsession.

Hey, Stanny.

Derek, I would like you to meet
a very dear friend, Carrie Bradshaw.

- Nice to meet you.
- Carrie writes "Sex And The City."

- Wow, that's great.
- Have you read it?

The other day, Derek and I
were walking past his billboard...

and he told me he'd like to get
a piece of it for his apartment...

Iike maybe his nose.

And I said, "You should get
the bulge in your pants.

That way when women ask how big you are,
you can say, 'Fourteen feet'."

- That would be funny, wouldn't it?
- Yeah.

Everybody's talking about you.
You are so great.

You're gonna be a star.
Have I told you that enough?

You're a star!
You're a star!

- We'd better let you get dressed.
- I am dressed.

- We'll see you after the show.
- Bye.

Can you believe anyone
that beautiful can be that nice?

I keep dreaming that someday
he's gonna say, "Stanford, I love you."

- Is he gay?
- He denies it.

How could anyone
that gorgeous be straight?

Sweetie, over here!

Samantha Jones never missed
a major fashion show.

She was one of the only people I knew
who thought that proximity to beauty...

made her feel
more attractive.

Hey, sweetie, what happened? You
couldn't find seats right on the runway?

Oh, you can see all the flaws
from this angle.

- Hey, Carrie.
- Barkley, how are you?

- You going to the party afterwards?
- I don't know.

Of course we are.
Hi. I'm Samantha.


Martini straight up
or with a twist?

Straight up.

Really? He's very cute.

You're not dating him?

God, no.
He's a total modelizer.

Is he dating any one model
in particular?

Actually, he's sleeping
with all of them in general.

- Only models?
- Only models.

Later that night we all went
downtown f or a party.

I was beginning to float away
on a sea of sweet potato puffs...

with smoked salmon
and sour cream when--

It was Mr. Big:
major tycoon...

major dream boat,
and majorly out of my league.

I thought I saw you
on the runway.


I started reading your column
after we met.

- You did?
- Yeah.



Well-- Yeah, cute.

What are you writing
about this week?

Well, I'm working on a story
about men who date models.

- Any thoughts?
- Only that they're very lucky.

So what have you discovered
about these men...

who are dating models?

Well, I'm discovering that...

some of them treat it
as a competitive sport...

and others I think
just need the validation.

And probably others just have a thing
for exceptionally beautiful women.


And there's something
wrong with that?

There's nothing wrong.

I just think it might become
a bit monotonous.


- No, thanks.
- Excuse me.

So where do you--

- Where do you write these stories?
- My cute stories?

Have you got
an office or anything?

About half the time I'm at my apartment,
and the other half...

I'm over at this coffee shop
on 73rd and Madison.

Oh, Carrie,
I'd like you to meet Misha.

- Hi. You were great in the show.
- Thank you.

Suddenly I felt like
I was wearing patchouli...

in a room full of Chanel.

Well, it was nice
talking to you.

See you around sometime, I hope.

I thought I had come to terms
with my looks the year I turned 30...

when I realized that I no longer had
the energy to be completely superficial.

Your friend Barkley,
he's really been coming on to me.

Do you actually think
he believes I'm a model?

- You don't want to go there.
- Why not?

He has this thing for
secretly taping his conquests.


What a pervert.

As Samantha began to
get ready for her close-up...

I felt it was time
to call it a night.

I had never felt so invisible
in my entire life.


- Carrie.
- Hey, hi.

Did Stanford leave?

No, he's in there giving
a neck massage to a Versace model.

So, where are you going now?

- I'm going home.
- Can I come?

- You wanna come home with me?
- Sure, if it's quiet.

I can't take these crowds.

The things you gotta do
in the name of research.

Shouldn't you be spending the night
with some girl from the show?

No, I never date models.

I think they're stupid.

I wondered if there wasn't
some kind of physics for beauty.

Maybe two models repelled.

Maybe models could only be
attracted to ordinary humans.

So, I think it's so cool
that you write.

- Thanks.
- I wish I could write.

I've got intense thoughts, but I can't
keep them in my head long enough...

to get them down on paper.

That's the big trick.

The truth is,
I'm totally neurotic.

One minute I can be walking
down the street, totally cool...

and the next minute
I'm depressed for no reason.

I'm totally self-conscious.

Before I say something, I say it in my
head first so it doesn't come out wrong.

Doesn't that seem like
a waste of time?

It only takes a second.

- And sometimes I get so distracted.
- What's distracting you now?

Your nose.

Thanks a lot.
I hate my nose.

It's just so cute.
I hate my nose too. It's too big.

- But I think it depends on my hair.
- Yeah.

I see what you mean.

So what do you want to be
when you grow up?

Well, I think
this might be it.

What do you want to be
when you grow up?

I'd like to move back to lowa
and have kids and be a cop.

I felt like I was in my bedroom
when I was 16...

and I used to hang out with this guy
who was really beautiful...

and my parents thought I was helping him
with his chemistry homework.

Do you mind
if we just lie here?

I get so lonely in the city.

Sometimes it's just nice
to lie with someone.


We could do that.

It was hard to imagine
that anyone so beautiful...

could ever be lonely.

somewhere below 14th Street...

two ordinary joes were doing
their own lonely late-night thing.

- Anything else?
- That's it.

- Just cat food?
- Yes, just cat food.

Oh, hi, Skipper.

So like, how come you haven't been
returning any of my calls?

I'm sorry.
It's been a really busy week.

I thought we had a connection.

I don't know.
Could I get my change?

You get that way with
every guy that you're with?

No, it's just--

Don't you wanna go out
with a girl your own age?

It's got nothing
to do with age.

I think you're luminous.

- You think I'm luminous?
- Totally.

Miranda couldn't resist
the vision of herself...

reflected in Skipper's
slightly smudged lenses.

- All right, let's get out of here.
- Let me just pay f or my Cap'n Crunch.

There's cereal at my place.

And Samantha found
the ultimate validation:

sex with Barkley.


where is it?


The camera.

Your friend Carrie
tell you about that?

Don't worry.
I only tape models.

I won't mind.

Fine. I'll make an exception.

Samantha demanded nothing less
than the same consideration...

given every other
model in town.

- Hello?
- Carrie, it's Stanford.

Do you have any idea what
happened to Derek last night?


you'll never
believe it, but--


It's Stanford.

- Hi, Stanford.
- Derek?

Could you put Carrie
back on the phone?


- Hello.
- How could you?

I didn't.
We just talked.

I knew he was gay.

It's amazing what you'll do
to be with these models.

I've gotta retire soon.

They keep me from getting work done,
they make me fuck up my life.

Look at me!
I'm an old man at 34.

I began to realize
that being beautiful...

is like having a rent-controlled
apartment overlooking the park:

completely unfair
and usually bestowed...

upon those
who deserve it least.

I'm not interrupting
your work, am l?

Hey, what a surprise.

I can't stay.
I'm late for a meeting.

But I've been thinking about your
article about men who date models.

What about them?

First of all, there are so many
goddamn gorgeous women in this city.

What an amazing observation.

But the thing is this.

After a while...

you just wanna be with
the one that makes you laugh.

Know what I mean?

Okay. See ya.

I take that back.

Beauty is fleeting...

but a rent-controlled apartment
overlooking the park is forever.

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