Sex and the City (1998–2004): Season 1, Episode 12 - Oh Come All Ye Faithful - full transcript

Miranda dates rising playwright Thomas John Andersen, whose only flaw is he needs to shower immediately after sex, which he blames on nun teachers; her uttering sex is not sinful gets her ...

My friend Miranda
was dating Thomas Anderson,

an up-and-coming New York playwright.

Oh, God!

That was wonderful.

Things were great, except for one thing.

I'll be right back.

Immediately after sex,
he'd hop out of bed and shower.

Be right back.

Night after night, it was the same.

- I'll be right...
- Yeah.

She decided to confront him
as soon as he dried off.

- So what's with the showers?
- What do you mean?

You always shower after we're done.
I'm starting to feel like it's me.

Oh, no, it's not you. It's just...

- What?
- Just a habit I have.

Growing up, the nuns said sex was a sin,

so I got into the habit
of taking a shower after it.

Oh, the nuns.

Miranda suddenly realised
she was dating '"Catholic guy'".

So you think the water serves
as a retro baptism kind of thing?

If I'd known he was Catholic,
I wouldn't have gone out with him.

They should wear a sign.

Single people in New York rarely ask
about their dates' religious background.

For the same reason, they don't ask
the number of former partners - too scary.

He's a rational, logical guy,
in every respect but this.

Clean, you forgot clean. He's a clean guy.

Leave it to me to find
the only religious guy still left in Manhattan.

New York is filled with places to worship,
but it recently dawned on me

the only time I ever heard of anyone
going into one was for a singles mixer.

Are relationships the religion of the '90s?

Having been raised in the church of
'"be nice and don't talk with your mouth full'",

I decided to check out more traditional
religious types in their natural habitat.

As I watched people leaving church,
I was amazed at how they looked.

Valentino, Escada, Oscar de la Renta.

What is it about God
and fashion that go so well together?

And suddenly, there he was
wearing Armani on Sunday...

Mr Big.

It was a shock. Until that moment
I thought he only believed in the Yankees.

- Hello there churchgoer.
- Hey...

- What are you doing here?
- Research.

I'm doing a column on closet Presbyterians.
You know any?

Actually I'm an atheist,
but don't tell the minister.

- Who's the mystery woman?
- My mother.

- I take her to church every Sunday.
- Really?

I'm so loving that.
How come you never told me?

Well, you write every Sunday, so...

So every Sunday... Church.


I've got 20 minutes before my game.
Why don't we have a coffee?

I can't. I'm on deadline
and this cappuccino just kicked in, so...

- So?
- Bye.

God bless.

It was one of those awkward
relationship moments

where you feel like
you know nothing about the person

you thought you knew everything about.

He goes to church with his mother?
That can't be good.

Don't listen. A man who cares
for his mother makes a wonderful husband.

- I think it's sweet.
- All religions are sweet

Until you get to that
shower after sex phase.

- Oh, my God, is he still doing that?
- It's amazing he has any skin left.

- Have you tried showering with him?
- No. He might pull out garlic and a cross.

Which church does his mother go to?

- Park Avenue Presbyterian.
- Good church. The best on the East Side.

Are you rating churches?
Is there a guide for that?

Four stars, great bread,
disappointing wine selection.

I'm dying to meet his mother.
Can you imagine?

Getting on with his mother
is like closing the deal.

- I'm sorry I'm late.
- Well, it's about time.

- I just had a five-hour lunch with James.
- Five hour lunches, I remember those.

Ladies, I have an announcement.
Please don't laugh.


- I'm in love.
- What?

Samantha uttering those words to us
was an event as unfathomable

as Moses parting the Red Sea.

It all started a couple of weeks ago
on a Wednesday night.

Samantha decided to treat herself
to a night of great music.

I couldn't help but notice
how you move to the music. It's beautiful.

- Well, I love jazz.
- That's pretty clear.

- Are you a musician?
- Yeah.

- Trapped in the body of a lawyer.
- Well, we won't tell anyone.

- May I join you?
- Sure.

After they closed the jazz joint,
they walked and talked for blocks.

You have to at least try one of the glazed.

It's a little bit of heaven.

And I never thought I'd get there.

Why not?

An angel like you?

And then Samantha did something
rather shocking for a first date.

She didn't ask him home.

Thanks, James. I had a wonderful time.

- Can I see you again?
- I'd love that.

With that one touch, Samantha,
who was never a believer in relationships,

suddenly became a convert.

I'd totally given up on the idea
that you could actually talk to men.

- Don't spread that around.
- Before James,

all my conversations
consisted of two sentences.

'"Give it to me.'" And, '"Go home'".

- And I owe it all to Charlotte.
- Me?

- What did I do?
- That bullshit you spout about

not sleeping with men
right away actually paid off.

If I'd fucked James already,
who knows where we'd be.

- Wait. You haven't had sex yet?
- Soon.

You know, I think he's someone
I could actually marry.

Samantha, that's great.

The idea of Samantha
getting married before she did

shook Charlotte's beliefs to the core.

She took drastic action.

She went to see Noanie Stine,
psychic to the stars,

who lived in a brownstone
between Central Park West and Columbus.

- Is this you and Madonna?
- Yeah, we go to the same cabala class.


Pick three cards,
face down, with your left hand.

Charlotte had heard about Noanie
through a sorority sister

whose marriage
she had very accurately predicted.

OK, is there one question in particular?

Well, no, just...

There is. When will I get married?

Ace of wands, prosperity.

Nine of cups,
strength and independence.

The hanged man, a new awakening.

You're a strong, independent woman
with great success in your future,

but I don't see marriage.

- Excuse me?
- I don't see it.

- What?
- I don't see marriage.

How can you just say that like that?

I mean, what about my feelings?

Honey, I'm a psychic, I'm not a shrink.

So, who is this fabulous mother, and when
do I get to go to church with you two?

- You want to go to church?
- You say it like I'm the antichrist.

No, it's just
I never thought of you as the church type.

Really? What type am I?

The beautiful and intelligent type.

- What religion are you?
- I'm no religion in particular. I'm open to all.

- Kind of like a 7-11 ?
- Come on!

I want to go to church
with you and your mommy.

- How about this Sunday?
- Well...

it's just a private little thing
my mother and I do, just the two of us.

- Want to go to the Caribbean next week?
- Sure, I'll go pack my jet ski.

No, I'm serious.
We could use a vacation. Come on.

The sun, the sand,
and you waiting on me.

- Can you get away?
- Yeah, but I can't afford it.

I'll tell you what. I'll buy the tickets.
When we arrive you can buy me one big


- Wait. I want to hold you.
- I'll be right back.

Stay here a second.

- Isn't this nice? Us, together?
- Yeah.

I'm just gonna go shower
and then I'm all yours.

There's nothing sinful about sex.

Really ? Well, thanks for clearing that up.

What is that,
The Gospel According To Miranda?

You're gonna say that God made the body
and sex is an expression of that body,

So how can anything made by
that God-made body be considered sin?

Well, yeah.

It's a miracle, I'm healed!
You're free to go work with the lepers now.

I guess this means I'm not going to hell.
Great news!

Thank you, Miranda,
for saving my immortal soul.

In her effort to help,

Miranda had accidentally detonated
some kind of Catholic guilt bomb.

I'm gonna go take a shower.

When I come out,
I'd like it if you weren't here.

You got it.

Six months later, that same speech

would find its way into
Thomas Anderson's hit off-Broadway play,

Shower of Shame.

Meanwhile downtown,
Samantha was preparing to see God.

I know it's only been a couple of weeks,

- but I love you, Samantha.
- I love you, too.

I can't wait any longer.
Just unzip and get over here.

- OK, I'm ready. Put it in.
- It is in.

Samantha said a little prayer
that he was kidding.

He wasn't.

Sunday morning. A time for rest,
for relaxation... a time for spying.

The plan was simple.
Just get a look at the mother,

then we'd go for eggs.

Look how crowded it is. What a sham.

Will you lighten up?
It's Presbytarian, not Catholic.

Whatever. Catholics, Episcopalians,
Buddhists, Shakers, Quakers.

All the same,
all designed to fuck up our sex lives.

Here, pray.

- There they are.
- Where?

Right there.

As I watched Mr Big standing
quietly next to his mother,

tall, proud, respectful,

I think I fell a little bit more
in love with him.

Let us pray.

- We come together...
- We're out of here.

Here they come.
Let's make a break for it.

They saw me, I have to say hello.
I can't just pray and run.

There they are. OK go, I'm fine.

Aren't you the young lady
who made all that noise?

- Slippery gloves. Morning.
- Good morning.

- It's a lovely church.
- Yes, isn't it?

- Don't you think it's lovely?
- Mother, this is my friend, Carrie.

I searched her face
for the light of recognition.

But there was nothing.
Carrie Carrie.

I'll just say good-bye to the pastor.
It was lovely meeting you.

- '"My friend, Carrie'"?
- You show up after I asked you not to.

Are you trying to test me?

- Why the interest in meeting my mother?
- Has she ever even heard of me?

My mother doesn't need
to meet another girlfriend.

I didn't mean...

I mean, I'll introduce you
as my girlfriend when I'm sure.

- I have to do things on my time frame.
- Time frame?

We've been going out for months.

I really don't know what else to say to you.

We'll get there.
You just need a little faith.

- Faith?
- Yeah.

In a couple of days we're going away.
We'll have plenty of time to talk.

- Now I've got to get my mother home OK?
- Well, go.

Just go.

Move over.

I didn't leave. You didn't seem fine.

He introduced me to his mother as a friend.

She'd never heard of me.
That isn't a good sign.

- Maybe they're not that close.
- Don't lie. You're in a church.

I can't get inside.

I don't know what else I can do.

Later that night in the church of disco,

Stanford invited everyone he knew
to a party to introduce a new fragrance -

Fallen Angel.

Hey, Carrie.

Also, he wanted
to show off his new boyfriend, Allanne.

Isn't this fun?
It's like hell with a cover charge.

Carrie, this is Allanne.

- Hi, nice to meet you finally.
- You, too.

Did I tell you that Allanne
designed the Fallen Angel bottle?

- Yes, congratulations!
- Thank you.

Excuse me for a second.
I just saw someone I want to say hello to.

You know what we did today?

We shopped
for deco cabinet handles for his armoire.

I've turned into one of those
couples we hate, and I love it!

Stanford and Allanne
worshiped the same god...


- So you all excited for the big vacation?
- I don't know.

I can't help feeling like
it's some sort of consolation prize

- for not letting me in his life.
- What is going on with you two?

- We're not in the greatest place.
- What happened?

- He wouldn't introduce me to his mother.
- Ouch.


Skipper, hi.

It seems Stanford
had invited everyone in his Rolodex.

I was hoping I'd see you here. I've been
thinking about you since we broke up.

- You have?
- Totally.

- You look great.
- Thanks.

So do you.

Miranda looked at Skipper. The months
apart had shed new light on him.

Actually they'd shed new light
on his shower-free feelings about sex.

Later we tracked Samantha
to the ladies' room

to get the low-down
on her love life with James.

We've been looking for you everywhere.

So, how is everything?

She means have
you and James done it yet?


- It's nice.
- I'm so happy for you.

- Sweetie, what is it?
- Nothing.

What's going on?
Why are you crying?

James has a small dick.

- It's not the end of the world.
- It's really small.

- How small?
- Too small.

- Size isn't everything.
- Three inches?

- Well...
- Hard.

Is he a good kisser?

Who cares?
His dick is like a gherkin!

I feel so terrible.
Listen to me. I'm a bad person.

Don't beat yourself up.
You had expectations, you're disappointed.


Why does he have to have a small dick?
I really like him.

- I thought you loved him.
- Well...

- We've all been there.
- That's for sure.

I was once with a guy the size of one
of those little miniature golf pencils.

I couldn't tell if he was
trying to fuck me or erase me.

I'm sorry, it's just... it's funny.

Let's not lose perspective.
There are ways to work around it.

I don't want to work around it.
I love a big dick.

I love it inside of me. I love looking at it,
I love everything about it.

When I blow him, it's like...



- Can you talk to him about it?
- No.

It's the only thing we can't talk about.

What am I gonna do?

How is he with his tongue?

Charlotte left us all behind
telling us she had another party to go to.

She took a cab to a part of town
never mentioned in the New Yorker.

Will I ever get married?

I call the power of all the saints.
Saint Lazarus, Saint Rosa.

Send me your guidance. Send me the truth.

Send me an answer.

No yolk.

What does that mean?

You'll never be married.

You are cursed.

But do not worry.
For $100, we can remove it.

The entire way home
Charlotte berated herself for being foolish.

She simply refused to give into the idea
that she would never get married.

All she had to do was keep believing
and it would happen.

At 3:00am in the church of disco, Miranda
couldn't believe what she was about to say.

- You want to spend the night?
- The night? The whole night?

Yeah, the whole night.

- I knew we'd get back together.
- You did?

Every night I'd light a candle
and say a little prayer.

You're a freak.

Samantha tried desperately to believe
that love was stronger than sex.

Why are you crying?

I'm just so happy.

I stayed up all night
questioning my faith in faith.

I mean, hadn't I had faith in us all along?

Faith that all the withholding would stop...

- Faith that he'd say, '"I love you.'"
- Let's go!

Hurry. We're gonna miss the plane.

Wait. Put them down a second.
Just put them down.

OK. What?

I need a sign.

I mean, you told me to have faith, but see,

I'm kind of losing mine,
so... I need a sign.

What, like in those old religious movies?
You want a voice from above?

Just tell me I'm the one.

You don't have to tell your mother
or the whole world, just...

Just tell me.

I can't do this.


Carrie, just get in the car, please.

I can't.

I love you, but I can't.

So that's it?

After he left I cried for a week.

And then I realised I do have faith...

Faith in myself.

Faith that I would one day meet someone

who would be sure that I was the one.