Servant of the People (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
Friends,
we didn't gather here
for the scenic view.
Gentlemen, aren't you tired
of pointlessly wasting money?
First, we spend millions to bring
our candidates to the political forefront,
and then we spend twice as much
to ruin our competitors.
Those are the rules.
You want to install your own president?
Then back him.
Let us be honest with each other for once.
When somebody talks about honesty,
that means they want
to take off your last pair of pants.
I don't remember who said this,
but it was one of the greats.
Pasha Lazarenko.
Andrei Nikolaevich,
do you have any suggestions?
I do, Mikhail Semenovich.
It's one week before the election.
We worked hard for our candidates.
They're almost neck and neck.
Now let the best man win.
What good will that bring me?
Rustem Ashotovich,
to prove
to Mikhail Semenovich, myself,
and you personally,
who is ultimately king of the castle.
Fair enough.
Let the people of Ukraine
decide who wins.
Unsupervised democracy?
I like this kind of game.
I haven't felt such a rush of adrenaline
in a long time.
Gentlemen,
we should meet more often.
ELECTION 201
Hey, big guy.
I've been meaning to ask you...
Who taught you to park like that?
And I've been meaning to tell you,
"Get lost, old man."
How? How am I supposed to get out?
Should I fly over your tacky car?
That clunker actually drives?
I thought only bums sleep in it.
Hey, punk, don't walk away.
Morning, Igor Mikhailovich.
What's going on?
It's this crazy old timer
who's blowing up.
-Move your car, butthead.
-Get stuffed, old man.
Vasylich, you're shameless.
Don't you know who his dad is?
-I don't care who his dad is!
-Don't look for trouble.
Butt out of this. Who are you, my boss?
Do your job.
It's a slum, not a yard.
When will you fix it?
-When I complain?
-It's not your concern.
-Where's our parking lot?
-I'm on it.
Look where he parked, huh?
How am I supposed to get out?
Clearly, you don't see the road?
How do I turn the car around?
Would you call that dumbass over?
-I need to leave in thirty minutes!
-Look, everything will be fine.
-Really?
-Yes!
PLUTARCH'S LIVES
-I'm to spread my legs for this dork?
-Chill out, Petya!
-Stop yelling.
-Move from the car!
-Calm down, Vasylich!
-Then move your car!
-I'm calling the cops!
-Whatever!
Oh, hell!
Dad, I asked you yesterday
to wake me at 6:30!
And I asked you to take out the garbage.
The same trash
I asked you about the day before.
So we're even, one-all.
Good morning.
-Thanks, Dad!
-You're very welcome.
Alright, then...
The shirt's wrinkled... Mom!
Please iron this shirt.
Son, sick people await my care.
And a healthy classroom awaits me.
-Good morning.
-Hi.
Natasha!
Open the door, Natasha. I'm in a rush.
Me, too.
-I have class starting!
-And I've got college, Vasya.
I'm your uncle, not "Vasya".
Make way for your uncle.
This isn't a tram seat!
That's funny.
Please, Mom. Find time to iron this shirt.
Sweetie, ask me when I'm retired.
Mom, if the principal sees me
in a wrinkled shirt, she'll fire me.
Oh, I can't wait.
Petya!
-Enjoy your meal, boys.
-Thank you.
Big deal, Petya.
Unemployment benefits
are higher than a teacher's salary.
-Your logic is strange, Dad.
-My logic is strange?
You finish school, go to college
and then go back to school.
Well, sorry, Dad,
for not treading in your footsteps
and becoming a cabbie.
Your dad isn't a cabbie.
-Your dad works in the service industry.
-Splendid!
Then mind the coffee.
-Thanks.
-Bless you.
Come on already...
Open the door!
After all, it's your uncle who's asking.
Son, my uncle stopped asking
five years ago.
Oh, sorry, Mom.
-Natasha!
-I'm not Natasha, I'm your niece.
Dear niece, please iron my shirt.
You could have ironed it by now,
instead of asking around.
Where's the iron?
-In its usual place.
-So?
Here it is!
Vasya, your coffee is going to boil over.
-Take it off!
-Beggars don't have servants.
He won't take off the coffee, Vasya.
He won't, will he?
Oh, man! Oh, no!
You didn't make it in time.
It's not your lucky day today, Vasya.
In fact, Vasya,
do you know what day it is?
Isn't it Friday the thirteenth?
The thirteenth, not Friday.
Oh, today is also the faculty meeting.
When he has woes, everyone knows.
You oaf, today is your niece's birthday.
Right.
-Bon appétit.
-Hi and thanks.
Natasha, happy birthday!
I wish you happiness,
health, love, and so forth...
I got you a gift.
An iron for you...
And call me "Vasya".
Our good old iron.
The girls will die of envy.
Great. I'm off, then. And that's for me.
I'll bring the other gifts tonight.
No need.
You've spent way too much on the iron.
PRIME MINISTER:
"THE COUNTRY NEEDS REFORM!"
-Vasya!
-What?
Come out.
Can't I just have 10 minutes
of pure concentration?
Really, Vasya. Come out.
They've come for you.
Dad, that joke
hasn't worked since the 8th grade.
Vasya, dear, he's not joking.
Please come out.
You've now got Mom to join in?
Then let Natasha in on the joke.
Actually, I'm here.
So what is it, Dad?
Hello.
Vasyl Petrovych Holoborodko?
Yes.
Good morning, Mr President.
All the ballots have been
counted at each polling station.
With 67% of the votes...
the presidential race winner is...
Vasyl Petrovych Holoborodko.
It's sensational.
For the first time, a simple teacher from
Kiev has become Ukraine's head of state.
Vasyl Petrovych Holoborodko.
For world leaders,
the Ukrainian people's choice
came as something
of an unexpected surprise.
Honestly, I hardly know anything
about Vasyl Holoborodko.
Nevertheless, I hope
that we'll find common ground with him.
Holoborodko's victory
was quite unexpected.
We're shocked at the results.
However,
we respect the Ukrainian people's choice
and recognize the election
to have taken place
in a democratic fashion.
The president's office is receiving
congratulations from around the world.
This is some kind of,
you know, weird joke.
I feel like it's a practical joke.
Based on preliminary opinion polls,
I didn't even make it into the top ten.
Oh, public opinion polls
can't measure the will of the people.
To be honest,
I myself can't figure out
how this could have happened.
-How?
-Well... They elected him...
Hrushevsky?
-Hrushevsky.
-Uh-huh. President?
President.
That's a myth.
He headed the Central Council, that's all.
Right.
What else do you know of Hrushevsky?
There's the street.
-A street, okay.
-Oh! He's also on the 50-hryvnia bill.
Quiet, class. On the 50-hryvnia note...
Good. And a street, correct.
But for what service?
Service to the Motherland?
Right.
Glotov, for service to your Motherland,
we give you...
a solid D grade.
Well done! You've earned your fifth D
this year. Have a seat.
Marchuk, please continue.
-Okay, okay. Sit down.
-Have a seat.
Actually, no. Class, stand up.
Go out to the yard.
Hello, Petrovych.
Okay, let's go. Move it. Chop-chop.
Boys, nail together the voting booths
and, girls,
hang up the political platforms.
-Understand?
-Why the service yard?
-What? Class isn't over!
-Principal's orders.
Vasya, the election is near.
What election? I don't get it.
Why did my students get chosen again?
Why not class 10A?
Class 10A has math class.
So what about math? I have history.
That's like comparing
a dick with a finger.
Class! 10B...
-I'm fed up. F**k!
-Petrovych, what's the big deal?
I'm sick and tired of all this!
Mathematics is valued as a science.
That's all very fine.
But history, as you said, is dog shit?
Then we wonder
why our politicians make the same mistakes
when they enter the halls of power?
Because they're great mathematicians!
All they know is to divide and subtract.
That's all!
Petrovych, I've never heard you talk
like this. What gives?
Because all these f**kers vex me!
Up to here, got it?
Now, damn it,
they force the kids
to assemble the booths!
Why is it a hard knock life?
Because our choice begins
in a wooden voting booth.
You know? And who's there to vote for?
It's always the lesser of two assholes
and it's been this way for 25 years.
You know what else?
Nothing will change again. You know why?
Because you, my Dad, me,
we'll once again vote
for another shitstick!
Yeah, because we all know he's an asswipe,
but the other person is worse!
Vasya, let's have a swig.
I've got a secret stash.
Then these shitsticks enter government.
And they loot and talk shit,
talk more shit and swindle!
Same shit, different day.
No one gives a shit! You couldn't
give a f**k. Me, not a damn soul!
They couldn't care less.
No one ever gives two shits at all,
for that matter.
If I could have just one week in office,
if at all possible,
I would show them!
F**k the motorcades,
f**k the perks, f**k the weekend chalets!
F**k it all, damn it.
Have a simple teacher
live like a president
and a president live like a teacher!
I tell you this as a teacher of history.
But you don't give a flying f**k!
Bastards!
However, not everyone
acknowledges the election results.
For instance, Zhanna Borysenko tweeted
that the election was "another circus."
And Holoborodko's closest competitor,
Savior Party Faction Leader,
Serhiy Karasiuk, was the most loquacious.
You call this a fair vote?
I tell you, it's throwing mud
in the face of democracy!
We're going to challenge
the outcome of the election in court!
Who is this guy Holoborodko?
Who is he? Where did he come from?
I was leading in all the polls.
For six months, I've travelled the country
and have spoken with voters!
What about Holoborodko?
He cursed on YouTube, and that's all?
I don't believe it for one second.
Vasyl Petrovych, this isn't a tramcar.
Right. Pardon me.
But if you're comfortable that way,
please...
…I won the election. It's all a fraud.
Everybody out there who hears me!
Comrades, tomorrow we meet on the Maidan.
I still can't fathom what happened.
I understand that
this all just came out of the blue.
But try to focus,
and pull yourself together.
Yeah, I'll try. Where are we going?
We've got a full day ahead of us.
There's a clothes fitting,
personal image work,
a photo shoot, a meeting with journalists
and a press conference.
All that in one day?
Well, preferably, by lunch.
By the way, which do you like better -
a Patek Phillipe or Vacheron Constantin?
I haven't read them.
I've absolutely no time.
Patek Phillipe,
Vacheron Constantin, Breguet, Hublot...
Do you know who wears these?
-Who?
-Putin.
Putin wears Hublot?
Yes. But I'd like to recommend these.
There's only four pairs of these
in the world.
Will you take one?
-What do you think?
-Oh, all right.
-This is Masha. Do you like Masha?
-Oh, no. How could you...?
Super. Now, cologne.
Hermes, Donna Karan, Ralph Lauren,
Versace...
You know what?
I think this will suit you. Allow me.
Shall we move on to the shoes?
So we have Berluti, Testoni
and Louis Vuitton.
But I recommend these.
They will suit you quite well.
They have arch support.
-What about insoles?
-Naturally.
We'll look at ties later on.
Suits are the main thing.
Calvin Klein, Jean-Paul Gaultier,
Dolce & Gabbana, and Karl Lagerfeld.
-What do you say?
-Let's see this one.
Okay.
Karl, you stay, mate.
Everyone else is free to go.
The airplane will take you back.
-Not a bad choice at all.
-You think?
Vasyl Petrovych, what can I say?
The suit fits and is without a wrinkle.
-You think?
-I'm certain.
That's enough powder
for the president's nose.
Vasyl Petrovych, get ready for the shots.
-Which way?
-That way.
This way, please.
Greet the head of state.
Vasyl Petrovych, on the marker,
and look into the lens.
Yes, of course.
A few shots, please,
for the presidential credentials.
There's no need to smile.
Excellent.
For the official site.
Now you can smile.
Wonderful!
For the office portraits.
-Change your angle.
-Am I smiling for the portraits?
It's up to you whether to smile or not.
Superb!
Well, since we're here,
let's do a few thematic shots.
The president's thinking about healthcare.
How should I think about healthcare?
How can you, when it's non-existent?
Terrific!
Talking with the working class.
Stand still.
We're joking now?
Sorry.
Once more.
Nice!
We care about children.
Come on, kiddies. Over here...
Hi.
Pick up the girl and hold her.
Just like that.
Look into the lens and smile.
Beautiful.
And for the youth segment,
a Facebook...
selfie!
I'll be so bold as to take a little more
of your precious time.
For history, sort of.
A mold of your right hand
for the National Museum.
Here you are.
Perfect. Let's wash the hand.
A mold of the left hand
for the Museum of Palmistry.
Wash the hand.
The right foot for the soccer museum.
-Vasyl Petrovych.
-Yes.
And your profile for a collectable coin
from the National Bank.
I'm so sorry.
What's going on here?
What the heck is going on?
Class, settle down now!
Class 10B!
Levchenko, why the rough stuff?
Vasyl Petrovych, it's Glotov's fault!
He posted the video online!
You see,
Vasyl Petrovych will face problems now!
You put him at risk!
Enough!
Shut up.
Stop the mob mentality, and take a seat.
-You're an idiot, Glotov!
-Be seated.
-Quiet.
-Oh, yeah.
Silence, everyone.
Right, so... Who saw
the unforgettable video masterpiece?
Thanks.
Everyone but Glotov?
I must congratulate you, Glotov.
Your, The Historian Lights it Up, video
merely crashed the internet
and is a box-office hit.
This is an apt occasion, class,
to tell you a parable.
Once upon a time,
a poor peasant came to the shrine
of...
the Japanese Emperor.
He said, "Your Majesty,
taxes in our province are so high
that people have nothing to eat.
As for me, I have nothing,
so I'll tell you the truth."
Next, he spewed a stream of expletives
at the emperor,
his family and over his dominion.
In general,
at everything that the emperor held dear.
His words...
made the samurai
and the emperor's guards blush.
In turn, the geishas fainted,
while the blossoming sakura withered,
and never bore fruit again.
The emperor calmly
and silently listened to the peasant,
after which he issued two decrees.
The first was
to rip the peasant's tongue out.
For profanity is a sin.
And the second decree
was to reduce taxes in the province.
Because the truth,
whatever it may be,
remains...
nevertheless true.
I absolutely don't defend...
myself or what I did.
I certainly shouldn't have...
on the whole... acted...
Man, I don't know.
My dad said you were a knockout.
And if you were to run for president,
he'd vote for you.
-Come on...
-And my folks...
-And mine, too.
-My parents would, also.
-Mine, too.
-Mine, also.
As would mine.
That's that. Yours too, Glotov?
So your folks also saw the video?
-Yes.
-It appears so.
What a mess.
The only thing that gives me pleasure
is that they agree with me.
Forget it. Let's begin.
Vasyl Petrovych,
the principal wants to see you, now!
Here we go.
It sounds like
they're going to pull out my tongue!
But, still, nobody has cancelled
Wednesday's test.
So, Vasyl Petrovych,
we have a press conference at 1:00 p.m.
At 1:00 p.m. on the 13th.
I hope you're not superstitious?
-Oh, hell. The 13th! I totally forgot.
-Hey, don't worry.
Here are the questions,
and here are your answers.
It's not about the questions and answers.
I've got a faculty meeting at school
on the 13th.
Then later today,
I have to pay the interest on my loan.
Let's settle all matters related
to your loan right now, once and for all.
Where do you bank, Vasyl Petrovych?
Please don't call the bank.
I'm embarrassed.
Okay, then.
Let me be clear on this.
Time is precious.
So let's do this another time.
There's no next time.
There's a daily late fee of 17 hryvnias.
-17 hryvnias?
-Yes.
That's another story.
Tolya, take another route.
Good. We made it before their lunch break.
I'll quickly pay.
Look at the line!
People, kindly let the president
skip to the front.
-I'm so ashamed.
-How come?
In line, we're all equal.
Pretty please.
-Go right through, son.
-I'll work it out.
Thank you. Sorry.
Hi, Lenochka.
Lenochka has the day off.
I'm covering for her.
Let me introduce myself.
I'm Anatoliy Borisovich Bugai.
-I'm chairman of the bank.
-Pleased to... Oh, right.
I'm here about my loan.
Would you please look up
"Vasyl Petrovych Holoborodko"?
Vasyl Petrovych,
your loan is fully paid off.
There must be a mistake.
I had seven payments left.
The fact is,
our bank has a yearly special,
during which the winner
has all their debts written off.
You're this year's winner.
-Not because I'm...
-Good heavens! No, Mr President.
-It's a blind lottery draw.
-Really?
Okay. It's unexpectedly gratifying.
-Very well. Thank you!
-You're welcome.
-Congratulations.
-Congratulations to you, too. Goodbye.
-Come again!
-Absolutely.
Goodbye!
Officers!
Thank you for the urgent assembly.
We serve the people of Ukraine!
And you, Captain Pylypchuk, next time,
no independent action, please.
Sorry, Yuriy Ivanovich!
I wanted it to seem natural.
There, there...
There's no need to hurry.
You're president.
You're not late. You're delayed.
Easy for you to say. Our Raisa is strict!
She'll kill me.
PRINCIPAL
May I?
Don't be shy.
Hello.
You sent for me, Raisa Andreevna?
Yes, Vasyl Petrovych, I called you in.
An ambulance call for me...
Now I'm calling you in.
Explain something to me, Vasyl Petrovych.
Why don't you like your school?
On the contrary, I do.
Good Lord! Indeed?
Then explain to all of us,
why did you cause such irreparable damage
to your favorite school?
But for pity's sake, choose your words
carefully. There are women are present.
Please, I think...
you're dramatizing it a bit.
Am I dramatizing?
Teachers, doctors... plain people...
for us...
kopeks...
f**ked up...
Well... Raisa Andreevna...
First of all,
that was a private conversation.
Therefore,
I believe the school's reputation
hasn't suffered at all.
That's the truth.
Second of all, after all...
I told the truth.
The truth?
Who needs to know this bitter truth?
Children?
The faculty? Who?
Let's rejoice!
The education ministry called.
Our school will undergo re-certification.
I trust that no one objects to a faculty
meeting at the end of the semester
to assess your professional integrity?
And, of course,
the matter is strictly a formality.
Raisa Andreevna,
I don't think this is professional...
End of discussion!
...only... honesty...justice...
...every jackass...
…wonderful... great...
Godspeed.
Sorry for arriving late.
Not in the least.
You're right on time, Vasyl Petrovych.
The employees and I actually came early,
to get ready...
and congratulate you.
Thank you.
Come forward, ladies!
We'll save that for later!
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Dearly respected Vasyl Petrovych...
Mr President!
It's a truly deep honor to work with you
as a faculty member.
I realize I scolded you at times but...
But there was never any ill-will.
It's just that I always sensed you had...
great potential.
All I wanted to do, so to speak,
was give that potential an outlet.
As you could see, I wasn't mistaken.
That jolt energized it...
I mean, your potential... Dear me...
Oh, why am I so flustered?
A song would be the best way
to express what we all want to say!
Vasyl Petrovych!
-Vasyl Petrovych!
-Vasyl Petrovych!
Hey, guys!
Let them pass. That's my class, 10B.
Vasyl Petrovich!
-Congratulations!
-Thanks.
You all look great.
Glotov, don't forget,
you've got a physics test today.
-I took it.
-Really?
See, when the physics teacher found out
who you were, we all got an A.
He's just kidding.
We're on top of things.
The class is aiming for straight A's.
You all have to...
...match your presidential status.
So when will 10B see improvements?
Improvements, Marchuk?
A president's test awaits you
on Wednesday.
Pardon me, Mr President, for interrupting
this idyllic moment, but we must go.
Right, sorry. All the best.
-Let's at least take a picture.
-Sure, let's take one!
Yuriy Ivanovich, would you please?
Okay. Ready? Get in place.
Well, say, "History."
History!
Thanks, Valiusha. Thank you.
This also came as a shock to us.
No, I never doubted Vasya.
It's all in the genes.
Yeah... What?
Your Kyryl?
Don't worry about it.
We'll find a place for Kyryl.
Where does he work?
Oh, he's unemployed.
Okay... We'll make him deputy director
of the unemployment office.
Okay, Valiusha. Later. Love you. Hugs!
Listen, do you remember
who this Valiusha from Kremenchug is?
-Nope.
-Me, neither.
You remember nothing.
Petya, two hours ago,
I asked you to buy peas.
-And you forgot!
-I'm busy. Our child's godfather!
Hi, Yura.
Thanks, friend. Thanks.
What? What kind of first deputy minister?
I'll make you a minister. Sure.
And a spot for Veronica.
Buddy, we'll hook up everybody.
No problem. Talk soon.
Enough, Petya.
You've already appointed half of Ukraine.
-I beg you. Go buy the peas.
-I don't eat peas in salads!
The whole world does, but not you!
I'll keep yours separate. Go!
I'm going.
Oh, dear...
Yes.
I recognize your voice, Liuba.
Petya went to the store.
Oh, you don't say. Stop it.
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
To get Vitaliy in?
The Mohyla Academy?
You know, I don't think
Vasya will refuse his second cousin.
Bye.
-Greetings.
-Hello.
And a good day to you, Petro Vasylyovych.
Why the balls to the wall?
It's spring,
the time for upkeep and repairs.
So for 10 years, spring bypassed us,
but suddenly it's appeared?
Good health, Mr Petro Vasylyovych.
I came about this morning's incident.
Ah, Pylypenko
filed a police report about me?
Who? No way!
Mykola Pavlovych is on your side.
That's right, Vasylich.
Do you have a complaint
for the owner of the SUV?
Maybe you would like to receive
compensation for emotional distress?
Here's a pen and paper for the report!
What do I need that for?
Let him be.
But his bathtub
should stay out of the driveway.
That won't happen again. I promise.
The culprit has already moved.
And from this day forward,
you can park anywhere you want.
Carry on.
Forgive me. It was my fault.
Get used to it, Vasyl Petrovych.
-You've been granted an entirely new life.
-Right.
One could say
that it's your second birthday.
Exactly.
I forgot.
It's my niece's birthday today.
Yuriy Ivanovich,
if possible, let's buy her a gift.
No, the press conference has been delayed.
Please. I'm on my knees.
Fine. What do you have in mind?
I'm never sure what to get women...
A cake?
She likes Dzidzio.
Maybe we could buy her a CD?
-Who's that?
-Dzidzio.
-Dzidzio?
-Dzidzio.
Tolya!
-Let's get a cake and that CD by...
-Dzidzio.
Who?
Dzidzio!
What about money?
Vasyl Petrovych, learn your responses.
Dear journalists,
we'll begin the press conference
with Ukrainian President
Vasyl Petrovych Holoborodko.
You, please.
Darya Repina, TSN.
Mr President,
do you plan to stimulate the economy
by raising venture investment?
Thanks, Darya.
Now, as you know, the dynamics of...
the invest...
The investment market
requires comprehensive treatment,
possessing a range of tools...
to encourage foreign money to park...
Indeed. Nonetheless,
our country likes cheap populism.
Nice work, Mikhail Semenovich. Way to go.
-I had nothing to do with this.
-Oh, please.
We all know this is your guy.
No, I was certain that
you were actually backing Holoborodko.
Clearly.
If he's not yours, then he's got to be
Rustem Ashotovich's man.
Gentlemen, I swear,
I've had nothing whatsoever
to do with Holoborodko.
Then who has?
In other words,
a man ascended to the presidency
who isn't under the control of any of us?
That's rich.
One of us is keeping quiet about this.
Perhaps he's a puppet from the West?
Or the Kremlin.
Krivitsky!
I need to know everything
about this Holoborodko.
We'll handle it.
You, please.
Thank you. Yuriy Kushnir, Time UA.
Winter is right around the corner,
as is the heating season.
Which energy efficiency technologies
are a priority for the housing services?
Devolving heat supply,
or using geothermal heat pumps?
Thanks.
When handling this issue,
we'll take into consideration...
the specifics
of the regional...
local, I mean...
Dear journalists!
I apologize that I'm not prepared...
for this press conference.
It's difficult to respond to questions
that I'm not ready for.
So let's come to an agreement.
I'll do my homework,
and you'll let me re-take the questions.
I mean, a second, repeat press conference.
Deal?
Because in all honesty,
I don't know some of the meanings
of the terms being used.
It figures. The campaign video
showed a different lexicon.
Young lady, it's not your turn now.
Yeah, nothing changes.
The floor is given to those
with pre-scripted questions, huh?
How so? I believe we have
freedom of speech in this country.
So if you'd like to pose a question,
please feel free.
What? Really?
Yana Klymenko,
Transparent Government magazine.
Where did a plain history teacher get
two million to register his candidacy?
-Next question, please.
-There's no need, Yuriy Ivanovich.
Dear Yana Klymenko.
I'll answer that question...
with ease, hands down.
That's all, class. The lesson is over.
If you have any questions, please ask.
Vasyl Petrovych!
-Yes?
-When will you register?
Register for what, Glotov?
You know what.
The election board, for president.
Enough already.
You laughed, I laughed.
We all had a good time.
Five million people...
Not five. Eight!
Everyone's all for you!
-Did you read the comments?
-Levchenko.
I don't bother to read comments.
Also, what will the outcome be?
A common person can't become president.
Why not?
First, to register
with the election board,
one must deposit
at least 2 million hryvnias.
So where does a teacher get so much money?
Sure, but you know
about crowdfunding, right?
-What?
-We started raising funds online.
Every little bit helps.
You've almost got
two million in the account.
To be exact,
two million and eight hryvnias.
Class dismissed.
Class is over. You're free to go.
Yeah, Vasyl Petrovych,
you snubbed everyone on this one.
Crowdfunding!
Nice word. It's a good one to remember.
Trust an old political veteran.
You'll go far in this game.
But honestly, between us,
how did you get the cash?
Really, through crowdfunding.
If you don't want to,
you don't have to say.
Vasyl Petrovych!
The people raised this money.
It's your choice.
Give it to the election board,
buy an apartment, or burn it.
-It's up to you.
-I can't...
-Bye now!
-I can't take the...
Good heavens, children!
No way. Shit a brick!
Mom, I told you. He's no kind of teacher.
He's either a drug dealer
or he sells organs.
Or maybe he does both.
Tolya!
So where's the cake and CD?
What's that?
What do you mean, there's no CD?
They couldn't get anything?
No worries.
I'll give her money, that's all.
Hi, guys!
How's everyone? Wow!
The spread looks appetizing.
Sorry, I was held up at work.
-Dad, the yard's changed.
-It's spring.
Right, spring.
So what gives?
-Oh, right.
-Yes.
Why the silence? How was your day?
Well, all the relatives wanted
to congratulate you.
Your ex-wife and son called to say hello.
You're unreachable.
And our birthday girl?
By all means.
Pour the drinks.
A little bit. Thanks.
Wine for you?
Yes, wine!
Well...
Mother...
Give a toast.
-Dear Vasya.
-Mom, it's not for me.
The president's mom is speaking.
Indeed...
Natasha has a birthday every year.
Who needs this anyway?
It's only my 18th birthday.
-Please continue, Grandma.
-Now, then. Vasya...
We're very happy for you. You did it.
To you, Vasya.
-Thank you.
-To you.
-To you.
-Undreamed of...
My dear child!
But overall,
how was your first day at work?
What a mess!
It flew right by. I didn't even notice.
My memory is also foggy
after the first shot.
Another round, then?
-Half, please.
-Okay.
And wine for you...
It's my turn.
Of course.
Dear granddaughter!
You're extremely lucky
to have such an uncle.
Come on, Dad!
Hey, don't interrupt
the president's father.
I never would have said this before.
But I'm proud of you, son.
Thank you.
To you, Vasya.
And to you, Natasha.
Thanks. Thank you.
Good evening.
Sorry I didn't ring. The door was open.
Natalya,
on behalf of Ukraine's president,
we wish you a happy birthday.
We couldn't find the Dzidzio CD,
so we wriggled out the best way we could.
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday, Natalya!
There are so many women around
But it's you who I chose
I didn't believe in love
But it ensnared me up close
I love you even while I'm asleep
I go mad over you
I'm jealous of everything
I get high over you
Oh!
My mom doesn't like you!
Oh!
But nothing beats you!
But nothing beats you!
Oh!
My mom doesn't like you!
Oh!
But nothing beats you!
Translated by Mark P. Raczkiewycz
we didn't gather here
for the scenic view.
Gentlemen, aren't you tired
of pointlessly wasting money?
First, we spend millions to bring
our candidates to the political forefront,
and then we spend twice as much
to ruin our competitors.
Those are the rules.
You want to install your own president?
Then back him.
Let us be honest with each other for once.
When somebody talks about honesty,
that means they want
to take off your last pair of pants.
I don't remember who said this,
but it was one of the greats.
Pasha Lazarenko.
Andrei Nikolaevich,
do you have any suggestions?
I do, Mikhail Semenovich.
It's one week before the election.
We worked hard for our candidates.
They're almost neck and neck.
Now let the best man win.
What good will that bring me?
Rustem Ashotovich,
to prove
to Mikhail Semenovich, myself,
and you personally,
who is ultimately king of the castle.
Fair enough.
Let the people of Ukraine
decide who wins.
Unsupervised democracy?
I like this kind of game.
I haven't felt such a rush of adrenaline
in a long time.
Gentlemen,
we should meet more often.
ELECTION 201
Hey, big guy.
I've been meaning to ask you...
Who taught you to park like that?
And I've been meaning to tell you,
"Get lost, old man."
How? How am I supposed to get out?
Should I fly over your tacky car?
That clunker actually drives?
I thought only bums sleep in it.
Hey, punk, don't walk away.
Morning, Igor Mikhailovich.
What's going on?
It's this crazy old timer
who's blowing up.
-Move your car, butthead.
-Get stuffed, old man.
Vasylich, you're shameless.
Don't you know who his dad is?
-I don't care who his dad is!
-Don't look for trouble.
Butt out of this. Who are you, my boss?
Do your job.
It's a slum, not a yard.
When will you fix it?
-When I complain?
-It's not your concern.
-Where's our parking lot?
-I'm on it.
Look where he parked, huh?
How am I supposed to get out?
Clearly, you don't see the road?
How do I turn the car around?
Would you call that dumbass over?
-I need to leave in thirty minutes!
-Look, everything will be fine.
-Really?
-Yes!
PLUTARCH'S LIVES
-I'm to spread my legs for this dork?
-Chill out, Petya!
-Stop yelling.
-Move from the car!
-Calm down, Vasylich!
-Then move your car!
-I'm calling the cops!
-Whatever!
Oh, hell!
Dad, I asked you yesterday
to wake me at 6:30!
And I asked you to take out the garbage.
The same trash
I asked you about the day before.
So we're even, one-all.
Good morning.
-Thanks, Dad!
-You're very welcome.
Alright, then...
The shirt's wrinkled... Mom!
Please iron this shirt.
Son, sick people await my care.
And a healthy classroom awaits me.
-Good morning.
-Hi.
Natasha!
Open the door, Natasha. I'm in a rush.
Me, too.
-I have class starting!
-And I've got college, Vasya.
I'm your uncle, not "Vasya".
Make way for your uncle.
This isn't a tram seat!
That's funny.
Please, Mom. Find time to iron this shirt.
Sweetie, ask me when I'm retired.
Mom, if the principal sees me
in a wrinkled shirt, she'll fire me.
Oh, I can't wait.
Petya!
-Enjoy your meal, boys.
-Thank you.
Big deal, Petya.
Unemployment benefits
are higher than a teacher's salary.
-Your logic is strange, Dad.
-My logic is strange?
You finish school, go to college
and then go back to school.
Well, sorry, Dad,
for not treading in your footsteps
and becoming a cabbie.
Your dad isn't a cabbie.
-Your dad works in the service industry.
-Splendid!
Then mind the coffee.
-Thanks.
-Bless you.
Come on already...
Open the door!
After all, it's your uncle who's asking.
Son, my uncle stopped asking
five years ago.
Oh, sorry, Mom.
-Natasha!
-I'm not Natasha, I'm your niece.
Dear niece, please iron my shirt.
You could have ironed it by now,
instead of asking around.
Where's the iron?
-In its usual place.
-So?
Here it is!
Vasya, your coffee is going to boil over.
-Take it off!
-Beggars don't have servants.
He won't take off the coffee, Vasya.
He won't, will he?
Oh, man! Oh, no!
You didn't make it in time.
It's not your lucky day today, Vasya.
In fact, Vasya,
do you know what day it is?
Isn't it Friday the thirteenth?
The thirteenth, not Friday.
Oh, today is also the faculty meeting.
When he has woes, everyone knows.
You oaf, today is your niece's birthday.
Right.
-Bon appétit.
-Hi and thanks.
Natasha, happy birthday!
I wish you happiness,
health, love, and so forth...
I got you a gift.
An iron for you...
And call me "Vasya".
Our good old iron.
The girls will die of envy.
Great. I'm off, then. And that's for me.
I'll bring the other gifts tonight.
No need.
You've spent way too much on the iron.
PRIME MINISTER:
"THE COUNTRY NEEDS REFORM!"
-Vasya!
-What?
Come out.
Can't I just have 10 minutes
of pure concentration?
Really, Vasya. Come out.
They've come for you.
Dad, that joke
hasn't worked since the 8th grade.
Vasya, dear, he's not joking.
Please come out.
You've now got Mom to join in?
Then let Natasha in on the joke.
Actually, I'm here.
So what is it, Dad?
Hello.
Vasyl Petrovych Holoborodko?
Yes.
Good morning, Mr President.
All the ballots have been
counted at each polling station.
With 67% of the votes...
the presidential race winner is...
Vasyl Petrovych Holoborodko.
It's sensational.
For the first time, a simple teacher from
Kiev has become Ukraine's head of state.
Vasyl Petrovych Holoborodko.
For world leaders,
the Ukrainian people's choice
came as something
of an unexpected surprise.
Honestly, I hardly know anything
about Vasyl Holoborodko.
Nevertheless, I hope
that we'll find common ground with him.
Holoborodko's victory
was quite unexpected.
We're shocked at the results.
However,
we respect the Ukrainian people's choice
and recognize the election
to have taken place
in a democratic fashion.
The president's office is receiving
congratulations from around the world.
This is some kind of,
you know, weird joke.
I feel like it's a practical joke.
Based on preliminary opinion polls,
I didn't even make it into the top ten.
Oh, public opinion polls
can't measure the will of the people.
To be honest,
I myself can't figure out
how this could have happened.
-How?
-Well... They elected him...
Hrushevsky?
-Hrushevsky.
-Uh-huh. President?
President.
That's a myth.
He headed the Central Council, that's all.
Right.
What else do you know of Hrushevsky?
There's the street.
-A street, okay.
-Oh! He's also on the 50-hryvnia bill.
Quiet, class. On the 50-hryvnia note...
Good. And a street, correct.
But for what service?
Service to the Motherland?
Right.
Glotov, for service to your Motherland,
we give you...
a solid D grade.
Well done! You've earned your fifth D
this year. Have a seat.
Marchuk, please continue.
-Okay, okay. Sit down.
-Have a seat.
Actually, no. Class, stand up.
Go out to the yard.
Hello, Petrovych.
Okay, let's go. Move it. Chop-chop.
Boys, nail together the voting booths
and, girls,
hang up the political platforms.
-Understand?
-Why the service yard?
-What? Class isn't over!
-Principal's orders.
Vasya, the election is near.
What election? I don't get it.
Why did my students get chosen again?
Why not class 10A?
Class 10A has math class.
So what about math? I have history.
That's like comparing
a dick with a finger.
Class! 10B...
-I'm fed up. F**k!
-Petrovych, what's the big deal?
I'm sick and tired of all this!
Mathematics is valued as a science.
That's all very fine.
But history, as you said, is dog shit?
Then we wonder
why our politicians make the same mistakes
when they enter the halls of power?
Because they're great mathematicians!
All they know is to divide and subtract.
That's all!
Petrovych, I've never heard you talk
like this. What gives?
Because all these f**kers vex me!
Up to here, got it?
Now, damn it,
they force the kids
to assemble the booths!
Why is it a hard knock life?
Because our choice begins
in a wooden voting booth.
You know? And who's there to vote for?
It's always the lesser of two assholes
and it's been this way for 25 years.
You know what else?
Nothing will change again. You know why?
Because you, my Dad, me,
we'll once again vote
for another shitstick!
Yeah, because we all know he's an asswipe,
but the other person is worse!
Vasya, let's have a swig.
I've got a secret stash.
Then these shitsticks enter government.
And they loot and talk shit,
talk more shit and swindle!
Same shit, different day.
No one gives a shit! You couldn't
give a f**k. Me, not a damn soul!
They couldn't care less.
No one ever gives two shits at all,
for that matter.
If I could have just one week in office,
if at all possible,
I would show them!
F**k the motorcades,
f**k the perks, f**k the weekend chalets!
F**k it all, damn it.
Have a simple teacher
live like a president
and a president live like a teacher!
I tell you this as a teacher of history.
But you don't give a flying f**k!
Bastards!
However, not everyone
acknowledges the election results.
For instance, Zhanna Borysenko tweeted
that the election was "another circus."
And Holoborodko's closest competitor,
Savior Party Faction Leader,
Serhiy Karasiuk, was the most loquacious.
You call this a fair vote?
I tell you, it's throwing mud
in the face of democracy!
We're going to challenge
the outcome of the election in court!
Who is this guy Holoborodko?
Who is he? Where did he come from?
I was leading in all the polls.
For six months, I've travelled the country
and have spoken with voters!
What about Holoborodko?
He cursed on YouTube, and that's all?
I don't believe it for one second.
Vasyl Petrovych, this isn't a tramcar.
Right. Pardon me.
But if you're comfortable that way,
please...
…I won the election. It's all a fraud.
Everybody out there who hears me!
Comrades, tomorrow we meet on the Maidan.
I still can't fathom what happened.
I understand that
this all just came out of the blue.
But try to focus,
and pull yourself together.
Yeah, I'll try. Where are we going?
We've got a full day ahead of us.
There's a clothes fitting,
personal image work,
a photo shoot, a meeting with journalists
and a press conference.
All that in one day?
Well, preferably, by lunch.
By the way, which do you like better -
a Patek Phillipe or Vacheron Constantin?
I haven't read them.
I've absolutely no time.
Patek Phillipe,
Vacheron Constantin, Breguet, Hublot...
Do you know who wears these?
-Who?
-Putin.
Putin wears Hublot?
Yes. But I'd like to recommend these.
There's only four pairs of these
in the world.
Will you take one?
-What do you think?
-Oh, all right.
-This is Masha. Do you like Masha?
-Oh, no. How could you...?
Super. Now, cologne.
Hermes, Donna Karan, Ralph Lauren,
Versace...
You know what?
I think this will suit you. Allow me.
Shall we move on to the shoes?
So we have Berluti, Testoni
and Louis Vuitton.
But I recommend these.
They will suit you quite well.
They have arch support.
-What about insoles?
-Naturally.
We'll look at ties later on.
Suits are the main thing.
Calvin Klein, Jean-Paul Gaultier,
Dolce & Gabbana, and Karl Lagerfeld.
-What do you say?
-Let's see this one.
Okay.
Karl, you stay, mate.
Everyone else is free to go.
The airplane will take you back.
-Not a bad choice at all.
-You think?
Vasyl Petrovych, what can I say?
The suit fits and is without a wrinkle.
-You think?
-I'm certain.
That's enough powder
for the president's nose.
Vasyl Petrovych, get ready for the shots.
-Which way?
-That way.
This way, please.
Greet the head of state.
Vasyl Petrovych, on the marker,
and look into the lens.
Yes, of course.
A few shots, please,
for the presidential credentials.
There's no need to smile.
Excellent.
For the official site.
Now you can smile.
Wonderful!
For the office portraits.
-Change your angle.
-Am I smiling for the portraits?
It's up to you whether to smile or not.
Superb!
Well, since we're here,
let's do a few thematic shots.
The president's thinking about healthcare.
How should I think about healthcare?
How can you, when it's non-existent?
Terrific!
Talking with the working class.
Stand still.
We're joking now?
Sorry.
Once more.
Nice!
We care about children.
Come on, kiddies. Over here...
Hi.
Pick up the girl and hold her.
Just like that.
Look into the lens and smile.
Beautiful.
And for the youth segment,
a Facebook...
selfie!
I'll be so bold as to take a little more
of your precious time.
For history, sort of.
A mold of your right hand
for the National Museum.
Here you are.
Perfect. Let's wash the hand.
A mold of the left hand
for the Museum of Palmistry.
Wash the hand.
The right foot for the soccer museum.
-Vasyl Petrovych.
-Yes.
And your profile for a collectable coin
from the National Bank.
I'm so sorry.
What's going on here?
What the heck is going on?
Class, settle down now!
Class 10B!
Levchenko, why the rough stuff?
Vasyl Petrovych, it's Glotov's fault!
He posted the video online!
You see,
Vasyl Petrovych will face problems now!
You put him at risk!
Enough!
Shut up.
Stop the mob mentality, and take a seat.
-You're an idiot, Glotov!
-Be seated.
-Quiet.
-Oh, yeah.
Silence, everyone.
Right, so... Who saw
the unforgettable video masterpiece?
Thanks.
Everyone but Glotov?
I must congratulate you, Glotov.
Your, The Historian Lights it Up, video
merely crashed the internet
and is a box-office hit.
This is an apt occasion, class,
to tell you a parable.
Once upon a time,
a poor peasant came to the shrine
of...
the Japanese Emperor.
He said, "Your Majesty,
taxes in our province are so high
that people have nothing to eat.
As for me, I have nothing,
so I'll tell you the truth."
Next, he spewed a stream of expletives
at the emperor,
his family and over his dominion.
In general,
at everything that the emperor held dear.
His words...
made the samurai
and the emperor's guards blush.
In turn, the geishas fainted,
while the blossoming sakura withered,
and never bore fruit again.
The emperor calmly
and silently listened to the peasant,
after which he issued two decrees.
The first was
to rip the peasant's tongue out.
For profanity is a sin.
And the second decree
was to reduce taxes in the province.
Because the truth,
whatever it may be,
remains...
nevertheless true.
I absolutely don't defend...
myself or what I did.
I certainly shouldn't have...
on the whole... acted...
Man, I don't know.
My dad said you were a knockout.
And if you were to run for president,
he'd vote for you.
-Come on...
-And my folks...
-And mine, too.
-My parents would, also.
-Mine, too.
-Mine, also.
As would mine.
That's that. Yours too, Glotov?
So your folks also saw the video?
-Yes.
-It appears so.
What a mess.
The only thing that gives me pleasure
is that they agree with me.
Forget it. Let's begin.
Vasyl Petrovych,
the principal wants to see you, now!
Here we go.
It sounds like
they're going to pull out my tongue!
But, still, nobody has cancelled
Wednesday's test.
So, Vasyl Petrovych,
we have a press conference at 1:00 p.m.
At 1:00 p.m. on the 13th.
I hope you're not superstitious?
-Oh, hell. The 13th! I totally forgot.
-Hey, don't worry.
Here are the questions,
and here are your answers.
It's not about the questions and answers.
I've got a faculty meeting at school
on the 13th.
Then later today,
I have to pay the interest on my loan.
Let's settle all matters related
to your loan right now, once and for all.
Where do you bank, Vasyl Petrovych?
Please don't call the bank.
I'm embarrassed.
Okay, then.
Let me be clear on this.
Time is precious.
So let's do this another time.
There's no next time.
There's a daily late fee of 17 hryvnias.
-17 hryvnias?
-Yes.
That's another story.
Tolya, take another route.
Good. We made it before their lunch break.
I'll quickly pay.
Look at the line!
People, kindly let the president
skip to the front.
-I'm so ashamed.
-How come?
In line, we're all equal.
Pretty please.
-Go right through, son.
-I'll work it out.
Thank you. Sorry.
Hi, Lenochka.
Lenochka has the day off.
I'm covering for her.
Let me introduce myself.
I'm Anatoliy Borisovich Bugai.
-I'm chairman of the bank.
-Pleased to... Oh, right.
I'm here about my loan.
Would you please look up
"Vasyl Petrovych Holoborodko"?
Vasyl Petrovych,
your loan is fully paid off.
There must be a mistake.
I had seven payments left.
The fact is,
our bank has a yearly special,
during which the winner
has all their debts written off.
You're this year's winner.
-Not because I'm...
-Good heavens! No, Mr President.
-It's a blind lottery draw.
-Really?
Okay. It's unexpectedly gratifying.
-Very well. Thank you!
-You're welcome.
-Congratulations.
-Congratulations to you, too. Goodbye.
-Come again!
-Absolutely.
Goodbye!
Officers!
Thank you for the urgent assembly.
We serve the people of Ukraine!
And you, Captain Pylypchuk, next time,
no independent action, please.
Sorry, Yuriy Ivanovich!
I wanted it to seem natural.
There, there...
There's no need to hurry.
You're president.
You're not late. You're delayed.
Easy for you to say. Our Raisa is strict!
She'll kill me.
PRINCIPAL
May I?
Don't be shy.
Hello.
You sent for me, Raisa Andreevna?
Yes, Vasyl Petrovych, I called you in.
An ambulance call for me...
Now I'm calling you in.
Explain something to me, Vasyl Petrovych.
Why don't you like your school?
On the contrary, I do.
Good Lord! Indeed?
Then explain to all of us,
why did you cause such irreparable damage
to your favorite school?
But for pity's sake, choose your words
carefully. There are women are present.
Please, I think...
you're dramatizing it a bit.
Am I dramatizing?
Teachers, doctors... plain people...
for us...
kopeks...
f**ked up...
Well... Raisa Andreevna...
First of all,
that was a private conversation.
Therefore,
I believe the school's reputation
hasn't suffered at all.
That's the truth.
Second of all, after all...
I told the truth.
The truth?
Who needs to know this bitter truth?
Children?
The faculty? Who?
Let's rejoice!
The education ministry called.
Our school will undergo re-certification.
I trust that no one objects to a faculty
meeting at the end of the semester
to assess your professional integrity?
And, of course,
the matter is strictly a formality.
Raisa Andreevna,
I don't think this is professional...
End of discussion!
...only... honesty...justice...
...every jackass...
…wonderful... great...
Godspeed.
Sorry for arriving late.
Not in the least.
You're right on time, Vasyl Petrovych.
The employees and I actually came early,
to get ready...
and congratulate you.
Thank you.
Come forward, ladies!
We'll save that for later!
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Dearly respected Vasyl Petrovych...
Mr President!
It's a truly deep honor to work with you
as a faculty member.
I realize I scolded you at times but...
But there was never any ill-will.
It's just that I always sensed you had...
great potential.
All I wanted to do, so to speak,
was give that potential an outlet.
As you could see, I wasn't mistaken.
That jolt energized it...
I mean, your potential... Dear me...
Oh, why am I so flustered?
A song would be the best way
to express what we all want to say!
Vasyl Petrovych!
-Vasyl Petrovych!
-Vasyl Petrovych!
Hey, guys!
Let them pass. That's my class, 10B.
Vasyl Petrovich!
-Congratulations!
-Thanks.
You all look great.
Glotov, don't forget,
you've got a physics test today.
-I took it.
-Really?
See, when the physics teacher found out
who you were, we all got an A.
He's just kidding.
We're on top of things.
The class is aiming for straight A's.
You all have to...
...match your presidential status.
So when will 10B see improvements?
Improvements, Marchuk?
A president's test awaits you
on Wednesday.
Pardon me, Mr President, for interrupting
this idyllic moment, but we must go.
Right, sorry. All the best.
-Let's at least take a picture.
-Sure, let's take one!
Yuriy Ivanovich, would you please?
Okay. Ready? Get in place.
Well, say, "History."
History!
Thanks, Valiusha. Thank you.
This also came as a shock to us.
No, I never doubted Vasya.
It's all in the genes.
Yeah... What?
Your Kyryl?
Don't worry about it.
We'll find a place for Kyryl.
Where does he work?
Oh, he's unemployed.
Okay... We'll make him deputy director
of the unemployment office.
Okay, Valiusha. Later. Love you. Hugs!
Listen, do you remember
who this Valiusha from Kremenchug is?
-Nope.
-Me, neither.
You remember nothing.
Petya, two hours ago,
I asked you to buy peas.
-And you forgot!
-I'm busy. Our child's godfather!
Hi, Yura.
Thanks, friend. Thanks.
What? What kind of first deputy minister?
I'll make you a minister. Sure.
And a spot for Veronica.
Buddy, we'll hook up everybody.
No problem. Talk soon.
Enough, Petya.
You've already appointed half of Ukraine.
-I beg you. Go buy the peas.
-I don't eat peas in salads!
The whole world does, but not you!
I'll keep yours separate. Go!
I'm going.
Oh, dear...
Yes.
I recognize your voice, Liuba.
Petya went to the store.
Oh, you don't say. Stop it.
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
To get Vitaliy in?
The Mohyla Academy?
You know, I don't think
Vasya will refuse his second cousin.
Bye.
-Greetings.
-Hello.
And a good day to you, Petro Vasylyovych.
Why the balls to the wall?
It's spring,
the time for upkeep and repairs.
So for 10 years, spring bypassed us,
but suddenly it's appeared?
Good health, Mr Petro Vasylyovych.
I came about this morning's incident.
Ah, Pylypenko
filed a police report about me?
Who? No way!
Mykola Pavlovych is on your side.
That's right, Vasylich.
Do you have a complaint
for the owner of the SUV?
Maybe you would like to receive
compensation for emotional distress?
Here's a pen and paper for the report!
What do I need that for?
Let him be.
But his bathtub
should stay out of the driveway.
That won't happen again. I promise.
The culprit has already moved.
And from this day forward,
you can park anywhere you want.
Carry on.
Forgive me. It was my fault.
Get used to it, Vasyl Petrovych.
-You've been granted an entirely new life.
-Right.
One could say
that it's your second birthday.
Exactly.
I forgot.
It's my niece's birthday today.
Yuriy Ivanovich,
if possible, let's buy her a gift.
No, the press conference has been delayed.
Please. I'm on my knees.
Fine. What do you have in mind?
I'm never sure what to get women...
A cake?
She likes Dzidzio.
Maybe we could buy her a CD?
-Who's that?
-Dzidzio.
-Dzidzio?
-Dzidzio.
Tolya!
-Let's get a cake and that CD by...
-Dzidzio.
Who?
Dzidzio!
What about money?
Vasyl Petrovych, learn your responses.
Dear journalists,
we'll begin the press conference
with Ukrainian President
Vasyl Petrovych Holoborodko.
You, please.
Darya Repina, TSN.
Mr President,
do you plan to stimulate the economy
by raising venture investment?
Thanks, Darya.
Now, as you know, the dynamics of...
the invest...
The investment market
requires comprehensive treatment,
possessing a range of tools...
to encourage foreign money to park...
Indeed. Nonetheless,
our country likes cheap populism.
Nice work, Mikhail Semenovich. Way to go.
-I had nothing to do with this.
-Oh, please.
We all know this is your guy.
No, I was certain that
you were actually backing Holoborodko.
Clearly.
If he's not yours, then he's got to be
Rustem Ashotovich's man.
Gentlemen, I swear,
I've had nothing whatsoever
to do with Holoborodko.
Then who has?
In other words,
a man ascended to the presidency
who isn't under the control of any of us?
That's rich.
One of us is keeping quiet about this.
Perhaps he's a puppet from the West?
Or the Kremlin.
Krivitsky!
I need to know everything
about this Holoborodko.
We'll handle it.
You, please.
Thank you. Yuriy Kushnir, Time UA.
Winter is right around the corner,
as is the heating season.
Which energy efficiency technologies
are a priority for the housing services?
Devolving heat supply,
or using geothermal heat pumps?
Thanks.
When handling this issue,
we'll take into consideration...
the specifics
of the regional...
local, I mean...
Dear journalists!
I apologize that I'm not prepared...
for this press conference.
It's difficult to respond to questions
that I'm not ready for.
So let's come to an agreement.
I'll do my homework,
and you'll let me re-take the questions.
I mean, a second, repeat press conference.
Deal?
Because in all honesty,
I don't know some of the meanings
of the terms being used.
It figures. The campaign video
showed a different lexicon.
Young lady, it's not your turn now.
Yeah, nothing changes.
The floor is given to those
with pre-scripted questions, huh?
How so? I believe we have
freedom of speech in this country.
So if you'd like to pose a question,
please feel free.
What? Really?
Yana Klymenko,
Transparent Government magazine.
Where did a plain history teacher get
two million to register his candidacy?
-Next question, please.
-There's no need, Yuriy Ivanovich.
Dear Yana Klymenko.
I'll answer that question...
with ease, hands down.
That's all, class. The lesson is over.
If you have any questions, please ask.
Vasyl Petrovych!
-Yes?
-When will you register?
Register for what, Glotov?
You know what.
The election board, for president.
Enough already.
You laughed, I laughed.
We all had a good time.
Five million people...
Not five. Eight!
Everyone's all for you!
-Did you read the comments?
-Levchenko.
I don't bother to read comments.
Also, what will the outcome be?
A common person can't become president.
Why not?
First, to register
with the election board,
one must deposit
at least 2 million hryvnias.
So where does a teacher get so much money?
Sure, but you know
about crowdfunding, right?
-What?
-We started raising funds online.
Every little bit helps.
You've almost got
two million in the account.
To be exact,
two million and eight hryvnias.
Class dismissed.
Class is over. You're free to go.
Yeah, Vasyl Petrovych,
you snubbed everyone on this one.
Crowdfunding!
Nice word. It's a good one to remember.
Trust an old political veteran.
You'll go far in this game.
But honestly, between us,
how did you get the cash?
Really, through crowdfunding.
If you don't want to,
you don't have to say.
Vasyl Petrovych!
The people raised this money.
It's your choice.
Give it to the election board,
buy an apartment, or burn it.
-It's up to you.
-I can't...
-Bye now!
-I can't take the...
Good heavens, children!
No way. Shit a brick!
Mom, I told you. He's no kind of teacher.
He's either a drug dealer
or he sells organs.
Or maybe he does both.
Tolya!
So where's the cake and CD?
What's that?
What do you mean, there's no CD?
They couldn't get anything?
No worries.
I'll give her money, that's all.
Hi, guys!
How's everyone? Wow!
The spread looks appetizing.
Sorry, I was held up at work.
-Dad, the yard's changed.
-It's spring.
Right, spring.
So what gives?
-Oh, right.
-Yes.
Why the silence? How was your day?
Well, all the relatives wanted
to congratulate you.
Your ex-wife and son called to say hello.
You're unreachable.
And our birthday girl?
By all means.
Pour the drinks.
A little bit. Thanks.
Wine for you?
Yes, wine!
Well...
Mother...
Give a toast.
-Dear Vasya.
-Mom, it's not for me.
The president's mom is speaking.
Indeed...
Natasha has a birthday every year.
Who needs this anyway?
It's only my 18th birthday.
-Please continue, Grandma.
-Now, then. Vasya...
We're very happy for you. You did it.
To you, Vasya.
-Thank you.
-To you.
-To you.
-Undreamed of...
My dear child!
But overall,
how was your first day at work?
What a mess!
It flew right by. I didn't even notice.
My memory is also foggy
after the first shot.
Another round, then?
-Half, please.
-Okay.
And wine for you...
It's my turn.
Of course.
Dear granddaughter!
You're extremely lucky
to have such an uncle.
Come on, Dad!
Hey, don't interrupt
the president's father.
I never would have said this before.
But I'm proud of you, son.
Thank you.
To you, Vasya.
And to you, Natasha.
Thanks. Thank you.
Good evening.
Sorry I didn't ring. The door was open.
Natalya,
on behalf of Ukraine's president,
we wish you a happy birthday.
We couldn't find the Dzidzio CD,
so we wriggled out the best way we could.
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday, Natalya!
There are so many women around
But it's you who I chose
I didn't believe in love
But it ensnared me up close
I love you even while I'm asleep
I go mad over you
I'm jealous of everything
I get high over you
Oh!
My mom doesn't like you!
Oh!
But nothing beats you!
But nothing beats you!
Oh!
My mom doesn't like you!
Oh!
But nothing beats you!
Translated by Mark P. Raczkiewycz