Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 9, Episode 7 - The Slicer - full transcript

Kramer buys a meat slicer and really enjoys making fresh sandwiches. Elaine's neighbor goes to Europe but forgets to turn his alarm off, driving her nuts. George gets a new job at Kruger Industrial Smoothing. Jerry dates Dr. Siterides, a dermatologist. Thanks to George's suggestion, Jerry tries a revenge date when Dr. Siterides makes him feel inadequate for not saving lives, but the plans quickly backfire. George enjoys his new job at the incompetent company but when he sees a photo sitting on his boss's desk, he remembers when he first encountered Kruger. George steals the photo out and has himself airbrushed out. Elaine enlists Kramer to help her blow the fuses in her building. But when that finally turns the alarm off, they learn that Elaine's neighbor has a cat, and blowing the fuses shut off the automatic feeder. So she borrows the meat slicer in order to feed the cat, but gets slicer happy and cuts off part of her shoe. George, meanwhile, gets the photo back, but the photo store clerk accidentally airbrushed Kruger out instead of him. Back at Jerry's, George panics because they airbrushed the wrong guy out of the photo. He needs a photo of a shirtless Kruger and gets Dr. Siterides to do a skin cancer screening at Kruger. Dr. Siterides agrees, but after Jerry accuses her of giving him hives, she bails on the screening. But after Kramer gets his meat slicer repaired at Kruger, the clueless Kruger mistakes Kramer for a real doctor, and Kramer does the screening anyways, posing as Dr. Van Nostrand. Later, Jerry realizes that it was Dr. Van Nostrand, not Dr. Siterides, who gave him hives. George manages to successfully get himself airbrushed out of the picture and returns the picture to Kruger's desk, without him noticing.

- Hey.
- Morning.

Oh, this is crazy.
You know, I can't go on like this.

- But why?
- I need some space.

Does that mean I have to go too?

Well, you don't think
she's just talking to me.

- Hey, shut up.
- You shut up.

I hate this.

You'll get used to it.
It's like a rugby scrum.

- No. No, I don't want this anymore.
- We're going to work with you.

- And on your dates.
- And shopping.

And to the bathroom.

- Elaine. Elaine. Elaine.
- I can't breathe.

- Elaine. Elaine.
- I'm suffocating. I can't breathe.

You're all killing me.

Turn your alarm off.

Your background
is impressive, George.

But how does it apply to what we do
here at Kruger Industrial Smoothing?

Well, at the Yankees, it was
all about smoothing things over...

you know, chiselling away,
grinding down.

In fact, we used to call it the grind.

It says here you worked at Play Now
for four days.

That should be a 14.
Let me just...

Well, George, I'll be honest.
I could go either way on you.

But what the hell,
we need someone, huh?

You won't regret this, sir.

I don't care.

Let's find you an office, huh?

When I saw the photo
I remembered where I'd seen him.

The boom-box incident.

The boom-box incident?

Summer of '89, I'm at the beach.

This family sets up next to me.

I go into the surf.
When I come out...

my clothes, my towel,
my umbrella, they're all gone.

I am furious.
I start screaming at these kids...

demanding my stuff back
and finally I lose it.

I grab their boom box
and I chuck it into the ocean.

- Yeah.
- Seems reasonable.

Then I see my clothes
floating out there.

The tide took them out, not the kids.

Even more reasonable.

So now the father
is screaming at me.

He's demanding I pay
for the boom box.

So finally I gave him a fake address
and got the hell out of there.

And that guy is your new boss?

Until that stupid photo
jogs his memory.

Kruger. That's not Kruger
Industrial Smoothing, is it?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, grinders, sanders, whetstones.

They botched
the Statue of Liberty job.

Right. They couldn't
get the green stuff off.

It is a horrible company.
There is no management whatsoever.

I could go hog-wild in there.

You know what to do?
You sneak that photo out...

for a couple of days
and get it airbrushed.

- Like retouched?
- Remember the photo of me...

and Gerald Ford and I took it in?

Got that Ford right out of there.

Oh, this is good.

This Kruger guy is clueless.

I can't wait to work for him.

Jeez. Look at this.

This sandwich is terrible.

Everywhere you go they always give
you these misshaped, shoddy meats.

Look, look, look.

I haven't had a decent sandwich
in 13 years.

Neither have I.

Well, our meat problems are solved.

- Where'd you get this thing?
- I traded in my sausage press.

I mean, look how thin that is.
See, that's all surface area.

The taste has nowhere to hide.

- Hey.
- Hey. Slice?

Welcome to flavour country.

Hey, that's pretty good.

Hey, I got a date
with that doctor you met.

Sara Sitarides?

What's with you?

Remember that next-door
neighbour of mine?

The apartment
that always smells like potatoes?

Your whole building
smells like potatoes.

This jackass goes to Paris,
leaves her alarm on.

It's been beeping since 3:30
this morning.

You know, that happened to Lomez,
so he blew his neighbour's circuit.

- How did he do that?
- Yeah, well, it's easy.

Just let me finish this mile-high
and I'll be right with you.

Oh, we're gonna need
a case of Kaiser Rolls.

I think we might have one left
in the stockroom.

This hallway smells like potatoes.

- I know. I know. This is it.
- Okay.

Oh, see, this socket, it's probably
connected to her apartment.

So, what we'll do...

we'll take this paper clip...

and we'll bend it
so it'll short out the entire circuit.

There you go.

- I think I'll let you do it.
- No, no. It's easy.

Just do it quickly.

No, I really don't want to.

Well, I don't want to either.

- I thought you've done this before.
- Yeah, well, I have, it's just...

it's no picnic.

- How are we gonna do it?
- All right, all right.

Fine, fine. I'll do it.

- Oh, mama.
- Are you okay?

I'm gonna lose that nail.

I enjoy the challenge of medicine.

You'd have no idea what it's like to
have someone's life depend on you.

Well, I have this neighbour.

A joke.

Do you have any idea what it
feels like to save someone's life?

Is it anything
like hitting a homer in softball?

- No.
- Because I hit a whomper last week.

Here you go.
Airbrushed you into sand and sky.

What did you do here?

You took out the wrong guy.

Thought you said
you wanted to be out.

But I'm still here.
You took out the other guy.

You've really lost a lot of hair.

I am aware.

The world's best pizza cutter.

Seventy-six bucks.

How often do I mak e...?

I've gotta buy a book.

The cat.

He took out Kruger?

I just pray Kruger doesn't realize
it's gone until this guy can fix it.

This slicer is indomitable.

Where'd you get that coat?

You buy enough meat,
they'll give you anything.


My neighbour has a cat.

When you blew the power, we must
have shut off the automatic feeder.

See, that's the same thing
that happened to Lomez.

What did he do about it?

Well, he moved into a motel
and the cat eventually died.

Well, this meowing
is absolutely worse than the alarm.

Oh, well, that's a prickly one.

- How was the doctor date?
- It died on the table.

She spent an hour and a half
making me feel like I'm worthless.

Well, you know, she's very focused.

Dermatology is her life.


Yes. She's a dermatologist.

Saving lives?

The whole profession is,
"Just put some aloe on it."

The slicer. Elaine. Let's go.

- Where are we going?
- The cat.

Just grab that meat and let's ride.

When are you going
on your next date?

Oh, what's the point?

You're gonna pass up
an opportunity...

to put that aloe-pusher
in her place?

A revenge date?

That sounds more like you than me.

This could be so sweet, Jerry.
Saving lives?

She's one step above working
at the Clinique counter.

Skin doesn't need a doctor.

Of course not.
Wash it, dry it, move on.

You're right. I'm gonna call her up
and tell her off.

Oh, no, no, no.
This has to be carefully orchestrated.

You go to a fancy dinner, flowers.

- Flowers?
- Yeah. You gotta do it classy.

So you've done this?


Couldn't get the girl to go out
with me a second time.

I think we're looking
at half a millimetre.

Can it cut that thin?

Oh, I've cut slices so thin
I couldn't even see them.

How'd you know you cut it?

Well, I guess I just assumed.

Don't worry, kitty. Dinner's coming.

Look at that, huh?
That's a hall of famer.

- All right, let's do it.
- Yeah, all right, here we go.

- Yeah, watch this baby slide.
- Okay.

- Come on, come on.
- Go ahead. Go, kitty. Go.

Oh, my God, it worked.

- Can I borrow that thing for a while?
- Oh, I don't think so.

- Why not?
- Well, you're not checked out on it.

What do I have to know?

Well, where the meat goes.

Right there?

Where do you turn it on?

Right there.

But where does the meat go?

The restaurant, flowers.
This is so nice.

Well, I'm a classy guy.

- How's the life-saving business?
- It's fine.

It must take a really,
really big zit to kill a man.

What is with you?

You call yourself life saver.
I call you Pimple Popper, M.D.

Dr. Sitarides?

Mr. Parry, how are you?

I just wanted to thank you again
for saving my life.

She saved your life?

- I had skin cancer.
- Skin cancer.


You were right, Kramer,
this slicer is absolutely amazing.

Yeah, Yeah.
No, no, no, I'll bring it by tonight.

Okay. Bye.

These heels are so uneven.

Here you go, Mr. Costanza.

What is this?

This is a drawing.

It looks real, doesn't it?

This is a cartoon.

Hey. I had to draw that guy
from memory.

I think that's damn good.

But it's not a photograph.
I need a photograph.

Then you better get a camera.

He looks like a "Peanuts" character.

I know. The only way to fix it now
is to get a whole new photo of Kruger.

- You could do that.
- Without his shirt on?

You can't do that.

Well, maybe Kruger
wasn't the place for you.

- They seemed so disorganized.
- I understand.

What about the Coast Guard?

Seems like a lot of pride there.
A lot of tradition.


You mean for you?

- You think?
- What about your seasickness?

Maybe I could be a land guy.

I don't know if they have land guys.

Someone's gotta unhook the boat
before it leaves the place.

- Pliers?
- Drawer.

- Got it.
- What are they for?

I got a piece of my heel
stuck in the slicer.

- Come again?
- Okay. I got a little slicer-happy.

But don't tell Kramer, okay?

He has very strong feelings for it.

I almost forgot to ask you.
How did the revenge date go?

It went okay.

Did you dress nice?
Did you do it classy?

Yeah, I started out real classy.

Yeah, you did. You classed it up.

But then I found out
about the skin cancer.

- Oh, so it backfired?
- Yes.

So I guess I'm lucky
I never tried that myself.

Of course she treats skin cancer.
That's how I met her.

She was doing a skin-cancer
screening at Peterman.

This is what dermatologists do.

Sadly, that knowledge
could have helped me.

Wait a second. She did a
skin-cancer screening at Peterman?

- Could she do that at Kruger?
- I don't know. I guess.

So I set up a screening,
everyone takes their shirt off...

and click, I snap me a shot
of a bare-chested Kruger.

Do you got a little thing
for this fella?

Jerry, you gotta talk to Sitarides.

Yesterday you told me
I had to take my revenge on her.

And that was wrong, Jerry.

You simply must apologize.

- Must I?
- Yes.

Because it is the mature,
adult thing to do.

How does that affect me?

Elaine. All right,
where's the SP 2000?

Because I gotta slice.

I forgot it. I gotta get home.

Oh, okay. Well, I'll go with you.

I'm not really going straight home.

I have to first stop off at the...


You know, with all the clowns.

All right, you have fun.

Oh, no clowns. I don't like clowns.

The clowns.

So again, I'm sorry.
I had no right to yell at you.

You're a life-saving doctor
and I'm just a comedian.

Jerry, enough. I'll do your
friend's cancer screening...

because I believe in that, but as far
as you and I are concerned, it's off.

Was it Pimple Popper, M. D?

That's the one.

Still got it.

Out, damn heel.

- Elaine?
- Kramer?

Yeah, listen, I need my slicer back.

Just hold on.

- Hey, what's going on?
- Nothing.

Here. Here you go.

Okay. I'm on the phone, all right?
I'm on the phone with someone.

My blade is all dinged up.
Oh, come on.

- Elaine.
- Phone call.

- I'm on a big phone call.
- Oh, come on. This is important.

Hey. Get the hell out of here.

Wow, that's a lot of potatoes.

So George took
my slicer down to Kruger...

and they're
smoothing it out for me.

What the hell is this?

Boy, that looks like
an allergic reaction.

Have you been
wearing a fake beard?

- No.
- Well, what have you been doing?

Nothing. I got up,
I ran some errands...

went to Sara and apologized...

Whoa, back up. Dr. Sitarides?
Yeah, what happened there?

Well, I tried to apologize.
It didn't go over too well.

There's your hives.

What? She gave me hives?

Jerry, as the Bible says,
"Thou who cureth can maketh ill."

She did kind of touch my face.

Listen to me. Find this woman...

tell her you're not
a test-tube pincushion.

It does itch. Maybe I will go down
to Kruger and talk to her.

All right, great. I gotta go
there and pick up my blade.

Oh, hey, and I couldn't find
that stockroom.

Oh, that's fantastic.

I just talked to Mr. Kruger.
He'll be down in a minute.

He wanted me to take a photograph.

- What record?
- His personal file. I don't ask.

Jerry, what brings you here?

I don't know. This?

Looks like hives.

Where do you think
that came from?

- What're you doing?
- Setting the record straight.

Come on, Sitarides. Cop to it.

What brand of perverted science
do you practice?

Are you suggesting I somehow
infected you on purpose?

I want the antidote, Pimple Popper.

That's it. I'm out of here.

You're insane.

Am I?

You touched my face.
I didn't imagine that.

Dr. Sitarides. Don't go.

Thanks, Jerry.

Hey, George. Hey, doc.

We doing a screening in here?

Yeah, why don't you head on in.
We'll be in, in a second.

Be right with you.

- Doc?
- Oh, Kramer, this is perfect.

Go in there, pretend you're a doctor
and check this guy for moles.

Moles. Yes.

Freckle's ugly cousin.

And just get a picture
of him with his shirt off.

You're really cooking up
a scheme here.

All right. Come on, let's get in there.
Quick, quick, quick.

That is it.
I can't take this anymore.

Male mammal.

Approximately 30 to 60
years of age.

Weight, oh, indeterminate.

Okay, Mr. Kruger...

we'll take a photo for the records...

so if you'll stand up please.

Give me a big smile.

Oh, no, no, no. Not that big.

Yeah, that's nice. Yes. Okay.

Yes, let's have a look-see?

Okay, so...

fibre from shirt on left shoulder.

I'll have to keep my eye on that.

How long have you been doing this,
Dr. Van Nostrand?

Oh, a long, long time.

Yes, I've seen moles so big
they have their own moles.

Freckles that cover two men.

- So how am I looking?
- Oh, so far, so good.

- Kramer, I really owe you.
- George, we got a problem.

- What?
- Well, he's got a mole...

on his shoulder, very suspicious.

Tell him you're concerned
and he should see someone else.

George, why would I,
a Juilliard-trained dermatologist...

send him to another doctor?

Because you're not a dermatologist.

No, but he thinks I am
and I won't betray that trust.

Now, here's what I wanna do.
I think I can get a section...

- then I'll go down...
- Whoa, a section?

If I can grab my slicer
and if he holds still.

No. You're not taking
a deli slicer to my boss.

- It'll be ultrathin. He'll barely feel it.
- No. Absolutely not.

It's my medical opinion
that you're making a big mistake...

and it's going in my chart.

Yeah, hello,
is this Allied Locksmith?

Finally. Okay, I need somebody
to come over here right away.

Turn that off. Turn it off!

I am getting a locksmith,
all right? Relax!

All right. That's it.

Yeah, the address is 78 West...

- Oh, mama.
- Hello?

So Kramer pulled it off?

Yep. And the photo is all fixed and
back on his desk, no thanks to you.

That woman had it coming to her.
Look at my neck.

I look like I had a beard of bees.

- You should see somebody.
- I called everyone.

You know how hard it is to get
a dermatologist in this town?

A real dermatologist?

Squamous cell carcinoma.

You're not a doctor.
You shouldn't have books like this.

That's what he has, I gotta call.
We gotta come clean.

You can't tell him.
You'll blow the whole thing.

- I don't want this on my conscience.
- I will get him to see a real doctor.

- You just stay away from him.
- All right.

Hey, I wonder if they have a picture
of my rash in here.

Yeah, they got everything, Jerry.
I underlined the best parts.

Hey, this looks like what I have.

Caused by exposure to benzene...

a common ingredient
in metal cleaners.

Well, that's weird.

What are you doing?

Well, I'm, cleaning my slicer.

That's my hand towel.

I use that on my face,
neck and chest.

That's where the hives are coming
from. It's not Dr. Sitarides.

It was Dr. Van Nostrand.

So somehow the Bronze-O is reacting
to the poison she's giving you.

All right, get out.

And take your Bronze-O with you.

Whoa, that's toxic.

George, come on in.

I'm just going over our annual report.

Boy, did we take it on the chin
last year.

Mr. Kruger, I got a
message from Dr. Van Nostrand.

He says it might be wise for you
to see another doctor about that mole.

I'm not too worried about it.

He said it could be cancerous,
you should have it checked out.


take a look at this photo.

This was taken 10 years ago.

Now, that mole looks
exactly as it does today.

So there's no cause
for concern, huh?


And actually...

funny thing about this photo.

We were at the beach...

and there was this dumb-looking
guy nearby.

When he went in for a swim,
my sons and I took all his stuff...

threw it in the ocean, huh?

What a pear-shaped loser.

Well, that pear-shaped loser
was me.

And I was in that photo
until I broke in here...

stole the photograph
and airbrushed myself out of it.

Well, I'll be.

You have lost a lot of hair.

That's what they tell me.

So you want more pastrami?

What was that last thing?
That was pretty good.

- Yeah, it was olive loaf.
- Oh.

- You want that?
- Yeah.

I can't believe Kruger didn't fire you
after all that.

He said he didn't care.
God, I love that place.

You see another dermatologist?

Yeah, I finally got in to see
Dr. Kazarian.

He said it was bad.

- What'd he give you for it?
- Aloe.

So where's that locksmith?

Tough to get him out at this hour.

- Can I have a sip?
- Oh, yeah, coming up.