Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 9, Episode 6 - The Merv Griffin Show - full transcript

George runs over a flock of pigeons. Jerry's new girlfriend has a toy collection. A new co-worker is freaking Elaine out. Kramer rebuilds the set of the Merv Griffin Show in his apartment.

- If you borrow my blender, return it.
- Come on, we're like Cain and Abel.

Yeah, you know, Cain slew Abel.

No, he didn't.
They were in business together.

Dry wall or something.

- Oh, no.
- All right, then what was it?

Well, I think Abel worked hard
all summer harvesting his crops...

while Cain just played in the field.

Then when winter came, Abel had
all the nuts, Cain had no nuts.

So he killed him.

The way I remember it, Cain,
he was a successful doctor...

but when he took this
special formula, he became Mr. Abel.

You broke my blender.

Yeah. Well, I was trying
to make gravel and it just...

- It just didn't work out.
- I knew it.

Why were you making gravel?

Well, I like the sound it makes
when you walk on it.

This looks familiar.

Of course, it's garbage.

No, no, no, no. These brown things.

And the chairs.

Jerry, this is the set
from the old Merv Griffin Show.

They must be throwing it out.

This stuff belongs
in the Smithsonian.

Or at least in the Dumpster
behind the Smithsonian.

Boy, one minute Elliott Gould
is sitting on you...

and the next thing
you're yesterday's trash.

Come on, get out of there.

Oh, no, you go ahead.
I'm not finished taking this in.

Jerry, look.

Merv Griffin's cigar.

You know, I spilled a yogurt smoothie
in here two days ago.

Can't smell anything, can you?



George, watch out
for those pigeons.

Oh, they'll get out of the way.
You really smell banana?

Oh, my God.


where we eating?

And it was his idea to put
a sprig of parsley on the plate.

You're making this up.
There was never a Joseph Garnish.

Oh, yeah. The toys.

Where did you get all these?

My dad was a collector.

I inherited them after he died
from a long, painful bout with...


Hey, an original G.I. Joe...

- with the full frogman suit.
- What are you doing?

I'm putting this on him
and we're going to the sink.

No, Jerry...

they're priceless.

They've never been played with.

- I just wanna touch them a little.
- I said, no.

Now, come here.


I'm Lou Filerman. I'm new here.

Hey, Walter.
What is the deal with that guy?

He's Lou Filerman. He's new here.

Hey, your coffee stain looks like
Fidel Castro.

You've been an enormous help.

You ran over some pigeons?
How many?

Whatever they had.

Miranda thinks I'm a butcher.
But it's not my fault, is it?

Don't we have a deal
with the pigeons?

Of course we have a deal.

They get out of the way of cars...

we look the other way
on the statue defecation.

Right. And these pigeons
broke the deal.

I will not accept the blame for this.

- So Miranda's cooled on you?
- I'm getting nothing.

- Yeah, me neither.
- I thought you were sleeping together.

Oh, the sex is wild,
but she's got this toy collection...

and she won't let me near it.

- I don't understand women.
- Here comes one.

Hey. What's going on?

Hey. Art Garfunkel?

- No, Castro.
- Right.

It's all because of this
creepy new guy at work.

He just comes out of nowhere
and he's right next to you.

So he just sidles up?

That's right. He's a real sidler.

- Maybe you didn't see him.
- You never see him.

He sidled me again in my office.

I was sitting making Cup-a-Soup...

singing that song
from The Lion King.

"Hakuna Matata"?

- I thought I was alone.
- That doesn't make it right.

To me, the "Hakuna Matata"
is not nearly as embarrassing...

- as the Cup-a-Soup.
- Would you just...

let it go?

Hey, Jerry. Come here a sec.

Oh, yeah.


Oh, my God.

It's the Merv Griffin set.

How did you get this in here?

Oh, you just bring it in sideways
and hook it.

- So where are you gonna sleep?
- Backstage.

This chair smells like garbage.

A lot of the stars from the '70s...

they were not as hygienic
as they appeared on TV.

You take Mannix, for example.

I'm gonna get that.

Well, Jerry, we'd love
to have you back anytime.

Well, Elaine Benes...

Well, it's great to have you.

Is it possible
you're even more beautiful...

than the last time I saw you?

We had a deal.

- Mr. Peterman, here are these pages...
- One moment.

I'm reading
the fascinating article...

on the most fascinating people
of the year.

And done.

Oh, yes.
I'm sorry, I needed this so quickly.

It must have been a lot of work.
Thank you very much, you two.


Three dates and she still
won't let me play with the toys.

That's interesting.

Someone mentioned to me
you were not very happy...

with your toys growing up.

Yeah, that was me.

That's right, right.

And you mentioned that you didn't get
a G.I. Joe. You had...

- An Army Pete.
- Right.

He was made of wood, in the rain
he would swell up and then split.

And we all know
how painful that can be.

- Jerry? Oh, there you are.
- Oh, Elaine Benes.

Well, this is quite a thrill.
Yes, come.

Yes, sit down. Yes.

Well, I'll tell you, this sidler guy
is really chapping my hide.

Excuse me?
Yeah, we're talking this way.

He's getting credit
for work that I did.

He's gonna sidle me
right out of a job.

Now, for those of us who don't know,
sidling is what?

Kramer, what is wrong with you?

What do you mean?

Well, for starters,
you're looking at note cards.

I'm gonna give that guy
a taste of his own medicine.

So I am going to sidle the sidler.

You sidle? You stomp around
like a Clydesdale.

Not with these honeys.

Wrestling shoes.

Only in New York.


Hey. Well, ladies and gentlemen.

It's our good friend,
George Costanza.

What a surprise.

Turn music off.

Yeah, sit, sit.

- Well, it happened again.
- What happened?

I'll ask the questions.

What happened?

Well, I just stomped some pigeons
in the park. They didn't move.

All right. Let's change the subject.

Now, you and Jerry dated for a while.
Tell us...

what was that like?

It's the wrong card.

I don't get these birds.
They're breaking the deal.

It's like the pigeons decided
to ignore me.

So they're like everyone else.

All right, let's take a short break.

Okay, we're back.

Boy, that bank clock
is eight minutes off.

Then why don't you just
run it over too?

George, what are you doing?

Did you see that?
That pigeon didn't move.

I had to swerve out of the way.
I saved that pigeon's life.

What pigeon?
You drove right into that squirrel.


Well, we have no deal with them.

Jerry, those hands. They never stop.

I'm sorry.

You got any booze?
What say you and I get ripped.

No, thanks. I have a headache.

Can you just get me an aspirin?

All right.

"Will not cause drowsiness."

"May cause drowsiness."

Here's the new copy you wanted.

Oh, yes.

Well, this certainly looks like
a lot of words in record time.

I'm very impressed with both of you.

Thank you.

Unfortunately, I am also disgusted.

This is incoherent drivel.

This is a total redo...

and I'm assuming I need it
right away.

Well, I guess we'll just have...

Oh, just give me that.

Mission accomplished.
Back to base, Joe.

Doctor, is the squirrel going to live?

There's been massive trauma.
We could, of course, try to save him...

but it would be costly, difficult,
and we'd have to send away...

for some special,
really tiny instruments.

Well, are there any other options?

We could put him to sleep.

What might that cost?

Well, it's by the pound,
so about 80 cents.

- Well...
- George.

I was just... I was curious, that's all.

We'd like you to do
everything possible.

He's not gonna be the same,
you know?

Yeah, yeah, I know.

So they're flying
the tiny instruments in from El Paso.

El Paso.
I spent a month there one night.

El Paso.

What's he here for?

Well, he takes some of the pressure
off of me.

So, Jerry what's going on with you?

I understand there's a young lady
in your life.

Actually, it's kind of a funny story,
because she has this toy collection...

and last night,
I got to play with them.

Well, sounds like things
are progressing.

Do I hear wedding bells?

- Are you married right now?
- Newman.

She doesn't even know
about the toys.

I gave her the wrong kind of medicine
and I guess she passed out.

What do you mean, wrong kind?

She's got that Mattel
football game we loved.

You gotta get me over there.

Wait a minute. You mean
to say that you drugged a woman...

so you could take advantage
of her toys?

Let's pause a moment.


what you do with your
personal life is your business.

But when you're on my set,
you clean it up, mister.

I told you he was a risk.

Oh, like he's not just carrying you,
and has been for years.

Yeah, well, you bombed. That story
stunk worse than these chairs.

Smile, everyone. We're back.

- You wanted to see me, Elaine?
- Yes, Lou.

You've got a lot going for you.

You're spontaneous.

You're symmetrical.

You're very quick, aren't you?

It's just that your:

My dead tooth?



What, my breath?

What can I do?

Well, you should never, ever
go anywhere without these.

Thanks, Elaine.
You're such a super lady.

More wine and turkey?

So when I saw George with an
18-pound turkey and a box of wine...

I thought, "What a coincidence,
we're just about to eat."

What is that stuff in turkey
that makes you sleepy?

- Tryptophan.
- Tryptophan.

I think.

Have some more wine.

What video did you get?

Oh, George brought home movies
of his boyhood trip to Michigan.

Four hours.

More heavy gravy?

Yes. Touchdown. Your turn, Jerry.

Lately though, I've been buying
the generic brand of wax beans.

You know, I rip off the label...

I can hardly tell the difference.

We've officially bottomed out.

- Who's our next guest?
- We got no one.

We need a new format.
We should shut down and retool.

- What about a guest host?
- I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

- Doctor, how's the squirrel?
- Is he dead?

No, fortunately the special
tiny instruments arrived just in time.

- Would you like to visit him?
- Yes, he would.

You have 30 minutes.



One more thing, Mr. Costanza.

We just need to know what time
you'll be picking him up tomorrow.

What's that?

Oh, we're discharging the squirrel.
We think he'll be better off at home.

He has no home. He's a squirrel.

Your home, Mr. Costanza.

Just make sure he gets his medicine
six times a day...

and keep his tail elevated.

Maybe it'll be fun having a pet.

It's not a pet. It's a wild invalid.

And it knows that I tried to kill it.

As soon as it gets better, it's gonna
gnaw my brain out in my sleep.

Jerry. Hey.
What are you doing tomorrow?

- I want you to come by.
- What about my questionable material?

No, we got a whole new format.
Edgy, youthful.

- Plus, we got Jim Fowler.
- Jim Fowler?

The animal guy from Wid Kingdom
is coming?

Well, I practically raised his kids.

Perfect, a zoo guy.
He takes care of animals.

Can I bring the squirrel by?

Two animal acts on the same show?

Is this amateur hour?

Look, George, I'm sorry,
maybe another time, all right?

I gotta get to Fowler.

I know he would take this squirrel.

- It's practically bionic.
- Hey.

Nice sidle, huh?

Speaking of which,
I think I've got that problem solved.

Tic Tacs work?

He's a human maraca.

Boy, my knuckles are still cramped
from that football game.

You took him over to Celia's?

What? It's a victimless crime.

What about the woman who's been
drugged and taken advantage of?

Okay, one victim.

I think it's unconscionable.

Last night, I found a whole Weeble
village behind the Easy-Bake Oven.

Easy-Bake Oven?

Who wants a cupcake?

Me, me, me, me, me.

You know that batter is like
30 years old.

You step on it and it fushes.

Why is your father giving a tour
of a rest stop?

- Stop squirming.
- Don't. This is where they change me.

- You're like 8 years old.
- Georgie.

I was 7 and a half.

That noise.

- That's the noise.
- What?

That infernal rattling
that has plagued me...

these past two days,
and I could not find the source.

In my office, in the hallway...

even in the men's room.
Shame on you, Elaine.

No, no, Mr. Peterman.
That wasn't me.

That reminds me of
the Haitian voodoo rattle torture.

You haven't gone over to their side,
have you?

No, Mr. Peterman.

Because if I hear one more rattle,
just one, you're out on your can.

And if you are undead...

I'll find out about that too.

Lou. In here.

We have to talk.

- Oh, right.
- Stop it.

Bad voodoo.

- You've gotta stop using these.
- Why?

Because they're turning
your teeth green.

I only buy the white ones.

Okay. Well, then your teeth
are green for a different reason.

You gotta stop carrying these, okay?
Just use mouthwash.

I can't. It burns my cankers.


- Again.
- Right, right, cankers.

- I got it. Chew gum.
- I hate gum.

The only gum I liked came with
the Mickey Mouse gumball machine.

They stopped making that
20 years ago.

Well, stinky, this is your lucky day.

Okay, a little later we're gonna be
talking with animal expert, Jim Fowler.

Where are the cameras?

But first, we're talking with Jerry.

Hey, Jerry...

you drugged a woman
in order to play with her toy collection.

How do you feel about that?

It was great. I've done it
a few more times since then.

And she doesn't know
anything about this?

No. Not a thing.

Well, Jerry, we have a little surprise
for you. Come on out, Celia.

What kind of sick, twisted creep
are you?

What is this?
What is she doing here?

What? It's the new format.
Scandals and animals.

If you think you can drug me and play,
you've got another thing coming.

Go, girl.

Well, what kind of woman
drinks an entire box of wine?

Mr. Fowler, I have a squirrel here
that is a miracle of modern science.

I told you, we're booked.

Careful. Hawks and squirrels
don't get along together.

Another interesting confrontation.
This could be spicy, bring him over.

No, you idiot. Hawks eat squirrels.

Are we getting this?

So the whole set was destroyed?

Well, the squirrel kept scurrying
and the hawk kept clawing.

Well, at least we know that
prosthetic squirrel hips work.

Sorry about the set.

I'll tell you, it was a grind
having to fill 10 hours a day.

I'm not sure I was ready
to have my own talk-show set.

I got the nut bread, George.
Let's go.

So the squirrel's gonna make it?

Yeah, he's in my bed.

I'm sleeping on the couch.

On the couch? So you're...

Still getting nothing.

Oh, go ahead, pigeons. Laugh it up.

I'm getting in my car now,
and the last I heard, we have no deal.

I'm glad you called, Elaine.
I really needed to talk to someone.

Oh, well, hey, I dated Jerry too.
I know what a monster he can be.

More wine and turkey?

- Who's he?
- Oh, he's nobody.

Hey, listen,
let me top that off for you.