Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 9, Episode 20 - The Puerto Rican Day - full transcript

Man, I'm starving.

How can you be hungry, after
what you ate at that Mets game?

Because ballpark food
doesn't count as real food.

Right. It's just an activity.

Like that paddle
with the ball and rubber band.

You know, my friend Bob Saccamano
made a fortune off of those.

See, he came up with the idea
for the rubber band.

Before that, people would just
hit the ball and it would fly away.

I can't believe you made me leave
before the end of the game.

Oh, come on, Jerry,
it was nine to nothing.

We were getting shellacked.



Those nachos are killing me.

I thought you were hungry.

It's complicated.

- Jerry, you're gonna miss the exit.
- Keep your shirt on, I got it.

Watch out for that maroon Golf.

Look at this guy.
He's trying to box me out.

I'll tell you when you can go.
Wait, wait, wait.

Now, now, now. No, no, no.

Now. Go, go. No, no. Wait.

Wait. Now, now, now. Jerry, go...

Oh, calm down, maroon Golf.

He thinks I cut him off.
He accelerated.

You want me to moon him?
Let's moon him.

Roll up your window.
Let's do a pressed ham under glass.



Oh, no, I couldn't do that.

Look at this, look.
He's giving us the finger.

- Oh, all right.
- Okay.

So I saw that new movie
about the Hindenberg.

Oh, yeah, what's that called?

Blimp: The Hindenberg Story.

- How was it?
- I found it morose.

Why dwell on
these negative themes?

They should make a movie about all
the Hindenberg flights that made it.

Anyway, right in the middle,
the ship blows up.

Burning debris, bodies falling...

and then just as this eerie silence
settles over the airfield...

I yelled out, "That's gotta hurt."

The place went nuts.

Imagine the laugh
you could have gotten...

if you had yelled that out
at the actual disaster.

Yeah.

Why are we slowing down?

What is that music?

What's with all these flags?

Oh, no.

- It's the Puerto Rican Day parade.
- It's the Puerto Rican Day parade.

The city shuts down Fifth Avenue.
They never let anyone through.

We are never getting home.

I'll check it out.

Yep.

Yep, the streets are all blocked.

I think every Puerto Rican in the world
is out here.

Well, it is our day.

Wrong car. Sorry.

And the Mets score two
in the eighth inning.

See? If we had stayed,
we could have seen those runs.

I could've had some ice cream.

That might have calmed down
the nachos.

I'm gonna miss 60 Minutes.
You know I hate to miss 60 Minutes.

It's part of my Sunday
weekend wind-down.

How you can unwind
with that clock ticking?

It makes me anxious.

All right, gentlemen. I scouted it out.
I think we can get out over there.

But that's a one-way street
coming this way.

Besides, how am I gonna get
over there?

Just inch over.
You worm your way.

Just do it, Jerry.

This exhaust. I'm gonna throw up.

You know,
you should make yourself throw up.

You know you're going to.

All right, I'm worming.

Hey, Jerry. You know who
the grand marshal is of this thing?

None other than Miss Chita Rivera.

They're not letting me in.

- My hand is out.
- We're gonna need more than a hand.

They have to see a human face.

You sure you want his face?

No, no, no.
It was Maria Conchita Alonso.

- This guy's giving me the stare-ahead.
- The stare-ahead, I hate that.

I use it all the time.

Look at me. I am man.

I am you.

Hi. Can we get in?

All right, he's letting you in.
Thank you.

Oh, I know who it is. Stacy Keach.

- One more lane to go.
- All right. We're here.

Oh, look who's here.

My old buddy. Black Saab.

Maroon Golf.

Where you going, black Saab?

You seem to be a tad askew.

Could you move your car
back a little?

Oh, sorry.

I seem to have cut you off.

All right.
I know where this is going...

and I am going somewhere else.

You can't do that.
You can't just leave the group.

I've been trying to leave this group
for 10 years.

Well, that's rude.

- Can you believe her?
- Yeah.

- I'll see you later.
- Where are you going?

The movies.
Blimp is playing right there.

You're going to that again?
To do that stupid line?

It's a performance, Jerry.
Like what you do.

That's not what I do.

- Isn't it?
- Maybe a little.

Hell, I guess it is.

You know, actually, Jerry, you haven't
worked a room that big in a while.

Look at that guy's dog.

I hate it when their ears
get flipped inside out like that.

Why doesn't he fix it?

Hey! Fold your dog's ear back!

This isn't moving.

- I could walk faster than this.
- No, you can't.

Yes, I can. Here.

I'm out of here.

Now it's moving. Oh, yeah, I knew it.

Hey! Hey!

Where to?

That's cute. That's really cute.

Come on.

All right.

Bye again.

Hey. Taxi! Taxi!

Ladies.

I... I haven't seen this before.

Oh, what is that dot?

I think someone has one of those
funny laser pointers.

Give me a box of those
and one of those.

Excuse me. Are you the guy
with that funny laser?

The laser's not funny. I'm funny.

Yeah. The thing is...

I had this little zinger of my own
I wanted to try.

It's right in the explosion scene...

so if you could just leave me
a little window....

You know, my aunt had a thing
removed with a laser.

All right, I don't wanna
interrupt your meal, so....

What a comeback
for the New York Mets.

- Six runs in the bottom of the ninth...
- I've gotta see this game.

If it wasn't for this guy,
we could get out of here.

This traffic's a killer, ain't it?

You wanna get out of here?
Here's what we do.

We leave the car here.
We take the plates off...

we scratch the serial number off
the engine block and we walk away.

- Walk away?
- Well, you've got insurance.

You tell them that the car was stolen,
and then you get another one free.

- Isn't there a deductible?
- All right, what is your deductible?

- I don't know.
- Yes.

Because they've already
deducted it.

- From what?
- The car.

Which we're leaving,
so the net is zero.

See, you pocket the money,
if there is any, and you get a new car.

We're not leaving the car.

All right. If you refuse to grow up
and scam your insurance company...

you'll have to work this out
with maroon Golf.

Absolutely not. He sped up.

Swing long, lined hard toward
left-center field...

that's in the gap,
that's a base hit...

I'm ready to talk.

Hey, there's that laser guy again.
He's funny.

- I never meet anyone funny.
- I know.

A sense of humor
is so much more important to me...

than looks or hair.

That's gotta hurt!

It's gotta hurt!

Hurt!

Because....

Damn you, laser guy!

You had to grab it all
with your lowbrow laser shtick.

You're just a prop comic.
Where's the craft?

Look, it's on the bald guy.

I am so glad
we came to this showing.

Okay, here's the deal.

He wants you to acknowledge
that you cut him off...

with an "I'm sorry" wave.

- What's that?
- You raise the hand, lower the head.

"I'm sorry. The buttons are really big
on the car.

I don't understand.
I haven't read the manual."

You get my drift.

Okay.

"Hallelujah. Praise the Lord."
But I'll take it.

Yes. All right, Lamar, back it up
a little bit so we can get out now.

All right. At last,
we're finally getting out of here.

What's that on your forehead?

Probably chocolate.

Is that one of those laser pointers?

Hey, Jerry, crank up the Floyd,
it's a George Laserium.

All right, stop it.

Stay away from my breasts... Chest!

See you around, maroon Golf.

And by the way,
that was an "I'm not sorry" wave.

- What was that?
- I'm glad I cut you off...

because black Saab rules.

So long, jackass.

Elaine?

Jerry?

Jackass. So I'm a jackass now?

So if everyone would just put their
cars in reverse at the same time...

we can do this.

All right, on the count of three.
Can everyone hear me?

Hey, Amigo,
are you paying attention?

Buenos días, my friend.

Not you.

The guy in the Amigo.

Well, here. Here is good.

Oh, yeah, sure.
Now I'm gonna be stuck here.

But you knew the way to go.
You went to college.

Hey, I went to Tufts.
It was my safety school.

So don't talk to me about hardship.

Boy. Can you believe this mess?

Elaine, why did you have the cab
come down this street?

We were almost out.

So that was your girlfriend
that blocked you in.

That's real good.

I'm not his girlfriend.

Well, actually, we used to date,
but not anymore...

- Elaine, he doesn't need...
- Used to date.

So I guess you found out
he's a jackass.

Because that's what's
gonna happen.

Oh, he's giving you a mustache.
Where is this guy?

No, don't. Don't look around.
That's what he wants.

All right, well, I'll see you.

Hey, George, I think there's a sniper
looking to pop you.

This thing can't hurt me, can it?
I mean, it is a laser.

- What if it hits my eye?
- I don't know.

I can't be blind, Jerry.
The blind are courageous.

You'll be fine, as long as
it doesn't hit you in the pupil...

because then the whole ball
will go up like the Death Star.

All right, I gotta go find a bathroom.

Hold it, George. Don't move.
It's right between your eyes.

Oh, my God.

Hey, there's the soda guy.

Hey, jackass,
get me a Diet Dr Pepper.

All right.

- Hey.
- Hey, hey.

Oh, this is nuts.
I can't get across anywhere.

Well, none of us can. We're trapped.

Hey.

Hey, everyone, this way.
I think we can get out through here.

Oh, I don't know
if that's such a good idea.

Look. No one knows
how long this parade is gonna last.

They are a very festive people.

All I know is that it's Sunday night,
and I have got to unwind.

Now, who's with me?

Father?

None of us saw the nylon flap.
That might mean something.

- All right.
- All right. Come on, come on. Let's go.

- Let's go.
- But it's dark.

Get in there.

Yes, I'm interested in the apartment.

- Yes, come in, come in.
- Okay.

I'm Christine Nyhart.

- Delicious to meet you.
- Did the broker send you over?

Yes, most likely.

Yes, I'm H. E. Pennypacker.

I'm a wealthy industrialist
and philanthropist and a bicyclist.

And, yes, I'm looking for a place...

where I can settle down
with my peculiar habits...

and the women
that I frequent with.

Mombasa, huh?

The asking price is
a million and a half dollars.

I spend that much on aftershave.

Yes, I buy and sell men like myself
every day.

Now, I assume that there's
a waterfall grotto?

No.

- How about a bathroom?
- It has four.

Yes. And where would
the absolute nearest one be?

Just down the hall.

Oh, don't worry, we'll get you home
to your husband real soon.

I'm not married.

Well, I, for one, really respect that.

Thank you.

Hey. Guess who's not married.

Is the boyfriend still in the picture?

- Come on, Father, you can make it.
- No, I can't. I've got a bad hip.

- Go on without me.
- No, I won't.

Leave me. You must.

All right. Take it easy.

All right, we can move faster
without Father O'Gimpy.

I heard that.

You know, I don't think I've ever seen
a man driving a Saab convertible.

Still haven't.

What seems to be the problem,
officer?

They're for protection, Jerry.
Can you tell where I'm looking?

- At me?
- No.

Well, it's back.

Bring it on, baby.

What if it gets in the side?

- Side?
- Yeah.

Wouldn't it bounce back and forth
between your cornea and the mirror?

Faster and faster,
getting more intense, until...

All right.

- It's in your eye now.
- What?

Hola, Jerry.

I'm into this Puerto Rican Day.

The sights, the sounds.
The hot, spicy flavor of it all.

It's caliente, Jerry.

- The Mets got men on base.
- I know. I was watching the game.

You were watching? Where?

Oh, that was a strike.
Did you see that?

Would you like to see the rest
of the apartment, Mr....?

Varnsen. Kel Varnsen.

Actually, this room intrigues me.
Why is it called the TV room?

- Well, it's...
- Balk? How was that a balk?

You have any snacks?

Mr. Varnsen, if you like the apartment,
I should tell you...

I've also had some interest
from a wealthy industrialist.

Not Pennypacker.

- You know him?
- I wish I didn't.

Brace yourself, madam,
for an all-out bidding war.

But this time, advantage Varnsen.

- Wait a second.
- What?

I think I see where that laser guy is.

No, don't look, don't look.

Oh, yeah, that's him.

Okay. I'm gonna sneak up on him.

Now the hunted
becomes the hunter.

We should be able to get across
right through here.

It's a dead end.

- Oh, no. I thought...
- You thought?

We're gonna die in the dark.
I knew it.

- We're gonna die.
- Get ahold of yourself!

Sorry.

Somebody help us!

Mira, mira, Stacy Keach!

We're down here. Help.

There's people down there.

Hold on!

Let us out. There's an unmarried
pregnant woman down here.

Don't judge me.

Help us up
so we can cross the street?

No, no, you can't cross here.
There's a parade.

But we've come so far.

We just wanna unwind.

Yeah, what can I tell you.

Wanna make out some more?

Oh, God! Let us out!

Got it!

That wasn't a laser pen.

No. It's just a pen.

Oh, that's funny?

No, you have, like,
a dot on your face.

Whoever's doing that is very clever.

Come on, man.
You need to lighten up.

Yeah, a feeling like this
only happens once a year.

Yeah, it's like this every day
in Puerto Rico.

Yeah, see, now you're getting
the spirit of it, huh?

Hey. There's a guy burning
the Puerto Rican flag.

Who? Who is burning the flag?

Oh, no.

- Him?
- That's not very nice.

It was an accident.

Do you know what day this is?

Because I know what day this is.

They know what day this is...

so I was wondering
if you know what day this is!

Because it's Puerto Rican Day.

Maybe we should stomp you
like you stomp the flag.

- What do you think?
- All right, look.

I just have one thing
to say to you boys.

Mama!

Get him.

Right this way, Mr. Vandelay.

Lovely, this is a lovely apartment.
Lovely.

The kids are gonna go crazy.

I wonder if I could see
the bathrooms.

Preferably one with some paint thinner
and some rags?

It's down the hall.

Oh, hello, Art.

Mr. Vandelay, of course.

You two know each other?

- Mr. Pennypacker.
- Yes.

Oh, yeah, I wanted to stop by
and make sure...

that my shark tank fits...

Hello.

Mr. Pennypacker, this is Mr. Vandelay,
and you know Mr. Varnsen.

- Varnsen.
- Pennypacker.

- Vandelay.
- Pennypacker. Varnsen.

Vandelay.

Wait a second. Mr. Pennypacker,
if you're here...

and Mr. Vandelay is also here,
then who's watching the factory?

- The factory?
- The Saab factory?

Jerry, that's in Sweden.

The guy in here....

My car.

Yeah. You know, it's like this
every day in Puerto Rico.

Jerry, the Mets lost.

I love a parade.

How do you suppose they did that?

Well, there's no logical
explanation.

- All right, shall we go home?
- Well, what about my car?

Well, Jerry, you can't deduct it now.

Hey, there's Elaine.

Hey.

Well, you look relaxed.

Well, it is Sunday night,
and you know how I like to unwind.

Hey, black Saab.

Looks like that building cut you off.

See you around.

- Well, at least he didn't...
- Jackass.

Somebody remember
where we parked.

Well, this was a fun day.
It's nice to get out.