Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 9, Episode 19 - The Maid - full transcript

Jerry dates his maid, and blurs the fine line between professional relationship and prostitution. Kramer begins a long-distance relationship. Elaine becomes annoyed at all the faxes she's getting from Kramer's restaurant service and has her phone number changed. But she gets a new area code and that only complicates things. George gets an unwanted nickname at Kruger.

Cup of tea with lemon.

What happened to your voice?

I was screaming at hecklers
all night.

Last time I open for a rodeo.

Well, Jerry, I've been thinking.

I've gone as far as I can go
with George Costanza.

Is this the suicide talk,
or the nickname talk?

The nickname.

"George." What is that?
It's nothing.

It's got no snap. No zip.

I need a nickname
that makes people light up.

You mean like "Liza."

I was thinking...


But there's no T in your name.
What about G-Bone?

- There's no G-Bone.
- There's a G-Spot.

That's a myth.

T-Bone, the ladies
are gonna love you.

Why did they hire you for a rodeo?

They heard I opened
for Kenny Rogers once.

Didn't he throw you off a bus
in the middle of Alabama?

Oh, I had that coming to me.

You know, Kenny Rogers has...

Why did you get a maid?

You don't have to whisper.
She knows she's a maid.

Where did you get her?

I hired her from a service.

- All done.
- Thank you. Nice job.

- Is this mine?
- Yeah.

- What?
- Come on, Jerry, you didn't notice?

Notice what?
She's not really even a maid.

She wants to be an actress...

or a model or a dancer...

- or a newswoman.
- Newswoman.

Well, bad news, boys.

Yeah, my life is over.
My girlfriend's moving away.

- You have a girlfriend?
- Jerry, where have you been?

At a rodeo.

- Where's she moving?
- Downtown.

- Downtown New York?
- Yeah.

I don't know if I can handle one
of these long-distance relationships.

It's like 10 minutes by subway.

I don't know.

Well, you got a maid.

Come on, it's a whole different
world downtown.

Different Gap,
different Tower Records.

And she's a 646.

- What? What's that?
- That's the new area code.

They've run out of 212s so all
the new phone numbers are 646.

I was a 718 when I first moved here.
I cried every night.

Listen, heads up, Elaine.

I'm gonna have to stop by later
and pick up a fax.

- At work?
- No, at your apartment.

I don't have a fax machine.

Here we go.

Well, now what are we gonna do?

See, this is why you should get
a fax and a Xerox.

And a deadbolt.

You sure you don't have one?

There's a lot of stuff in my apartment
I've never seen.

Then maybe you have
a fax machine.

You just blew my mind.

Let's order lunch.

Mary, I will have a chef's salad.

Turkey sandwich.

T-bone steak.

- For lunch?
- Well, I am just a T-bone kind of guy.

Love that T-bone.

- In fact, you might as well call me...
- That sounds good.

I'll have one too.

- Watkins, you're having a T-bone?
- I love them.

Well, then we should call you T-Bone.

- No, no, no, we shouldn't.
- T-Bone.

T-Bone. T-Bone.
T-Bone. T-Bone. T-Bone.



You have 57 messages.

Message one.

Message two.

Message three.

Hey, it's George. Listen, I...

Message four.



- Well, Cindy, the place looks great.
- Thanks, Jerry. Gotta run.

Okay, I'll see you.

Hi, Elaine.

All right.

Fooling around with your maid.
That is a wise decision.

Elaine, do you think I would go
willy-nilly into a situation...

so obviously fraught
with potential complications?

You're paying a woman to come
to your house and sleep with you.

No. I pay her to clean.

The rest is...

What? A health plan?

I was going to say,
being a good host.

But the point is, we have
our personal relationship...

and we have our work

They're separate and I think
somewhat sophisticated.

- So you consider this a relationship?
- Yes, I do.

- Have you been out?
- Yes, we have.

- Where did you go?
- The store.

- To get what?
- Stuff.

- Cleaning supplies?
- And gum.

Well, there's nothing more

than diddling the maid
and then chewing some gum.

She's not a maid.
She might be a newswoman.

Well, I just saw Madeline off.

Yeah, she's in a cab
and on her way.

I miss her already.

Hey, Kramer, what was it
you were having faxed...

to my house every 30 seconds?

Well, I signed up for a food delivery
service, "Now We're Cooking."

It's a play on words.

You know, they're faxing me
the menus from some restaurants.

- Which ones?
- Well, all of them.

That's the deluxe package.

- So this is never gonna stop?
- Well, it better not.

I paid for the whole year.

- So should I pick those up later?
- You can pick them up right now.

I wonder if anyone knows
he's here.

If he just disappeared...

would anybody notice?

All right, Miss Benes. All finished.
Here's your new number.

- Six-four-six? What is this?
- That's your new area code.

I thought 646
was just for new numbers.

This is a new number.

No, no, no.
It's not a new number.

It's just a changed number.

See, it's not different,
it's the same, just changed.

Look, I work
for the phone company.

I've had a lot of experience
with semantics.

So don't try to lure me
into some maze of circular logic.

You know, I could have killed you
and no one would have known.

I could have killed you,
and no one would have known.

Kramer, you're still on the phone?

Madeline and I are watching
Quincy together.

Jerry, you know this comes on
at the same time here...

as it is does there?

Really? It's Tuesday here.
What day is it there?

Jerry's teasing.

Oh, oh, commercial.

Oh, you're going to the bathroom?
Yeah, I'll go too.

Madeline stays here.

Hey, T-Bone.

No, no T-Bone.

- No T-Bone?
- Hey, is that T-Bone?

No. There's no T-Bone.

- Why no T-Bone?
- Why no T-Bone?

Because Neil Watkins
from Accounting is T-Bone.

I'm back. Hey, you wanna
play cards over the phone?

All right.

Oh, hey, listen, Jerry.

Laundry's piling up there.
You might wanna tell your girlfriend.

Your girlfriend
is doing your laundry?

He's sleeping with his maid.

- You're sleeping with the maid?
- Yes.

I've done that.

- Did you ever eat an ostrich burger?
- No.

You're probably one of those women
who doesn't give out her number.

No, I'm not. Here you go.

- Six-four-six?
- It's a new area code.

What area? New Jersey?

No, no, it's right here in the city.

It's the same as 212,
they just multiplied it by three.

And then they added one
to the middle number.

It's the same.

Do I have to dial a "1" first?

I'm really kind of seeing somebody.

Yeah? Well, so am I.

Excuse me, can I talk to you
for a second there, Watkins?

It's T-Bone.

The thing is,
I'm supposed to be T-Bone.

You're not a T-Bone.
You're a perfect George.

What? Now, you listen to me.

Boy, look at George,
just giving it to T-Bone.

He's jumping up and down
like some kind of monkey.

Hey, what was the name of that...

That monkey that could read
sign language?

All right, you can have T-Bone.
Stop crying.

I'm not crying.

And I shouldn't have said that
about your wife.

Please accept my apologies.

Okay, everybody,
I have an announcement to make.

From now on, I will be known as...

Koko, the monkey.

- What?
- Koko.

Koko. Koko. Koko....

Thank you both for being here.

Excuse me, I live in the building.

Did something happen
to Mrs. Krantz?

She passed.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Thank you.

Quick question...

did she by any chance
have a 212 phone number?

I can't find my earring.

Oh, here it is.

Listen, can I borrow your suitcases?

- Yeah, it's in your closet.
- No, no, no. I looked.

They're behind my skis
and my tennis racket.

- Thanks, buddy.
- Where you going?

I'm getting out of town. I'm gonna
visit Madeline for the weekend.

This place is looking kind of messy.
What happened to Cindy?

Oh, she's here.
She's just didn't get around to it.

Hi, Kramer.

Thanks, Jerry. Bye.

Well, what's the matter?

What did I just pay for?

You're a john.

- Koko?
- Koko.

Well, it's probably
the most intelligent ape there is.


So how's Cindy the maid?

Everything's going great,
except basically, I'm paying for sex.

Tell me about it.
I went out with a girl last week.

- First I paid for dinner...
- No, George.

She's coming over and not cleaning.
It's like I'm seeing a prostitute.

- How much you pay this maid?
- Forty.

Forty? I'm paying 60 to my maid.

She doesn't do laundry
and I'm getting nothing.

- All right.
- Once she pinched my ass...

but I don't know what that was.

I don't know what this is.

Hey, hey, hey.

Jerry, you wouldn't believe
what it's like down there.

Taxi cab drivers are insane.
You know, everybody is in a hurry.

I can't eat with you
leaning over like this.

Just look straight forward.

- Well, now I can't see Jerry.
- I look about the same.

- What?
- I was talking to him.

- What?
- Never mind.

- Come on, what did he say?
- Never mind.

- Jerry, come on, what'd you say?
- What?

- Where'd you go?
- Go back.

- What'd you say?
- I said never mind.

Yeah, I know that.

I hate the counter.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Oh, I hate the counter.

Yeah, who's that?

I got a 212 number...

from this little old lady
in my building, Mrs. Krantz.

- She didn't mind?
- No, she died.

- That's great.
- What happened to Mrs. Krantz?

Elaine got a new number
because she died.

Newman died?

- What did he say?
- Some new kind of pie.

- I'll try a piece.
- Who's down there?

Hey, there's a booth.

- Hey, Elaine.
- Oh, hi.

- Did you hear about Newman?
- What?

So how's it going at work?
Did they get tired of it?

Oh, yeah.

- Double zero?
- It's "oo."

As in:

Your nickname's Koko?

One of the girls at the maid
service is named Coco.

- Really? Coco?
- Yeah. Coco.

That girl's all right.

You know, if I could get this
Coco woman down to Kruger...

then they wouldn't be able to
call me Koko anymore.

Because Kruger
would never allow two Kokos.

Sounds like he runs a real
tight ship.

Say goodbye to Koko.

- Goodbye, Koko.
- Goodbye, Koko.

Jerry, this relationship
is killing me.

The distance, the longing,
the distance, the...

You know, I didn't realize it,
but I'm a needy person.

Kramer, maybe this relationship
isn't for you.

Oh, yeah? So, what am I supposed
to do? Be more like you?

All sealed up in here,
emotionally unavailable?

Paying scrubwomen
for sexual favors?

No. Jerry. I won't be like you.

Never. I'll never be like you.

- What was that?
- I didn't hear anything.

- All right, I'm taking off.
- Okay.

- Aren't you forgetting something?
- Oh, right.

It was great seeing you again.
I love your outfit.

No, my money.

- For what?
- For my maid services.

- You booked me for today.
- But you really didn't do any work.

I made the bed.

But you took a nap in it.


I thought that was kind of
girlfriend bed-making.

No, that was the maid.

Who took the nap?

The girlfriend.

Forty dollars seems
kind of steep for a nap.

So, what are you saying?
That I'm a bad maid...

or some kind of a prostitute?

Hold on.
Let's keep this sophisticated.

You know, I don't think I wanna be
your girlfriend or maid.

So is this a break-up/quitting?

Yeah. Don't ever call me
or hire me again.

Oh, yeah? Well, then we're through
and you're fired.

- Sign here.
- Yes.


Hey, what happened to the guy
I had last time?

Oh, you know, it's an odd thing.

He went out on a job,
never came back.

Nobody knows what happened.

All right. I am back in the game.

- Hello?
- Gammy.

- No, you got the wrong number, kid.
- Gammy Krantz?

It's your grandson Bobby.
Why haven't you called?

Oh, nuts.

Do you hate me
because of my lazy eye?

No, it's just that I've been
kind of buried over here.

So the kid doesn't know
his grandmother is dead?

- G-5.
- Hit.

No, I guess his parents
didn't wanna tell him.

- B-2?
- Miss.

He called six times yesterday.

What a nightmare it must be
to have a real family.

I wouldn't worry about it.

- B-6?
- Hit.

You sank my submarine.


- Hello?
- You have a collect call from...

- Hey, buddy, don't say no!
- I accept.

I went down to Madeline's.
I told her you gotta move or it's over.

- Well, what happened?
- I think it's over.

We had a big fight,
she threw me out...

I started walking
and now I'm lost downtown.

I don't have any money.
I don't recognize anybody.

I miss home.
I don't even know how to get there.

- What's around you?
- I'm looking at Ray's Pizza.

- You know where that is?
- Is it Famous Ray's?

- No, it's Original Ray's.
- Famous Original Ray's?

It's just Original, Jerry.

Well, what street are you on?

Okay, I'm on 1st and 1st.

How can the same street
intersect with itself?

I must be at the nexus
of the universe.

Just wait there. I'll pick you up.
And Kramer...

stay alive. No matter what occurs,
I will find you.

- You Steinfeld?
- Yeah.

My name is Maxwell.
I'm from Maid to Order.

It's a pun.

- I sent one of my girls to your place.
- Cindy.

She says she had a little problem
with you, you didn't pay.

She didn't really do
what she was supposed to do.

Oh, yeah? She told me
what you like.

You're a little sickie, aren't you?

Disinfectant on the blinds,
vacuuming the couch.

Hey, hey, come on, come on.
I gotta live around here.

You know what I do to people
who stiff me on a job?

- What?
- It kind of depends on the situation.

But if I don't get my money from you,
I'm gonna get it from her.

I don't want any trouble.
You want the money, here it is.

Give it to the girl.

I'm an independent contractor.

Tax purposes.

Bobby, you gotta
stop calling your gammy.


Because sometimes you call
very early in the morning...

when Gammy has been out late
the night before.

And sometimes
when Gammy's not alone.

Your parents still haven't said
anything to you about your gammy?

All right. Here we go.

Gammy doesn't feel so good.

I think Gammy might be dying.

Yup, yup. Okay. Goodbye, Bobby.
Don't call anymore.

I'm dead now. Gotta go.


Nexus of the universe.


Cindy. Cindy.

- What do you want?
- Here. I got your money.

I don't want any money from you.

Come on, take it. It's money.

- Let me give it to you.
- Looking for a good time, sir?

You wanna step out of the car,

Well, this is all very sophisticated.

All right, hang on, Gammy.
You're gonna make it.

Hey, you look a little lost.

- You from around here?
- No.

- You know where you're going?
- Not really.

My friend was supposed to pick
me up. I don't know where he is.

Doesn't sound like much
of a friend.

- You got any money?
- No.

You wanna make some?


Do you know how
to use a mop wringer?

Yeah, yeah.

Why don't you get in the car?


These are soft seats.

Hey, Koko, who's this?

This is our new vice president
of acquisitions, sir.

So you're just hiring
new people now?

That's your job? To hire people?


Okay, good enough for me, Koko.

- Well, what's your name?
- My name is Coco. Coco Higgins.

- What, Coco?
- We can't have two Cocos.

So I guess you're back
to being George.

Well, it was a hell of a ride.

All right. The Grace Building.

There's a big stain on the front.
How do we get it off?

When I was a little girl in Jamaica...

my gammy taught me
to take a wet rag and...

Excuse me, vice president Coco.
No one cares about your gammy.

What did you say about my gammy?

Forget Gammy.

- Who's Gammy?
- There's no Gammy.

Maybe there should be a Gammy.

- Oh, no.
- George.

Gammy. Gammy. Gammy.
Gammy. Gammy. Gammy.

Gammy's getting upset.