Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 9, Episode 12 - The Reverse Peephole - full transcript

- Careful. This plate is extremely hot.
- Thank you.

I just told you it was hot.
Why did you touch it?

I just wanted to know
what your idea of hot is.

Hey, babe,
you ready to hit the ice?

Yep, I am ready to skate up a...

Why are you wearing that?

It's my winter coat.

- A fur?
- Is there a problem?

Seemingly infinite supply.

Careful, it's hot.

So Puddy wears a man fur?



He was strutting around
the coffee shop like Stein Eriksen.

And of course you find
fur morally reprehensible?

Anti-fur. I mean, who has
the energy anymore?

This is more about hanging off
the arm of an idiot.

This is the first you're seeing
of the coat?

We never dated in winter.

You might wanna get a look
at that bathing suit drawer.

We walked by Bloomingdales
and I saw that massage chair...

we wanna get Joe Mayo
as an apartment gift.

An apartment-warming gift?

We gotta give presents
to people for moving?

Birthdays, Christmas,
it's enough gifts.

I would like one month off.

Kramer said it's perfect.
That's what we're getting.



We're not buying it at Bloomingdales.
I will buy it. You pay me back later.

I'll sniff out a deal.

I have a sixth sense.

Cheapness is not a sense.

I can't stand Joe Mayo's parties.

You know, the second you walk in,
he's got you working for him.

"Hey, can you do me a favor?

Can you keep an eye on the ice,
make sure we have enough?"

I had a great time at the last one.
I was in charge of the music.

I turned that mother out.

Hey, you got any pliers?

What? Has Newman got
another Army man stuck in his ear?

Hilarious.

Newman and I are reversing
the peepholes on our door...

so you can see in.

- Why?
- To prevent an ambush.

Yeah. Now, I can peek in
and see if anyone is waiting...

to jack me with a sock full
of pennies.

But then anyone can just look in
and see you.

Our policy is we're comfortable
with our bodies.

You know, if somebody wants
to help themselves to an eyeful...

well, we say enjoy the show.

I'm sorry. I can't stay
for the second act.

Hey, George, here's the model number
on that chair, by the way.

- Nice wallet.
- Wallet.

- What?
- Nobody carries wallets anymore.

I mean they went out
with powdered wigs.

Here's what you need. Just a couple
of cards and your bank roll, see?

- Keep the big bills on the outside.
- That's a five.

- What are you doing?
- Hey, Silvio.

Yeah, I'm reversing my peephole.

Hey, you know, you gotta get
permission from me.

I'm the super.
Who said you could do that?

Well, who says I can do any
of the things I do in my place?

- Like what?
- Well, like...

Nothing. Well, I'll switch it back.

No, no, no. That's all right.

Yeah, well, that's good.
Because Newman and I, we think...

- Newman? He did this too?
- Well, yeah.

I deal with him.

Look at this.
The same massage chair...

we're getting for Joe Mayo,
$60 cheaper.

Except the store's in Delaware.

I'll have them overnight it.

Maybe cheapness is a sense.

You know, it is better
without this big wallet.

It's more comfortable.

It doesn't matter
if it's more comfortable. It's wrong.

- Why?
- Important things go in a case.

You got a skull for your brain...

a plastic sleeve for your comb
and a wallet for your money.

Look at this thing.

It's huge.

You got more cow here than here.

I need everything in there.

Irish money?

I might go there.

"Show this card at any participating
Orlando area Exxon station...

to get your free
Save the Tiger poster."

Just give me that. Give me some
of those Sweet'N Lows.

- Who is it?
- It's Newman.

- I'm in the middle of something.
- I can't believe I'm being evicted.

- What are you talking about?
- The reverse peepholes.

Silvio says I'm an agitator
and I'm out of the building.

No, he can't do that.

I'm homeless. I'm gonna be out
on the street, dancing for nickels.

I'll be with the hobos
eating out of a bucket.

Come on, we'll go and talk to him
and we'll straighten this thing out.

You better put something on.

George, I am loving
this no-wallet thing.

A man carries a wallet.

The very fact that you oppose this
makes me think I'm onto something.

- Hey, Jerry.
- Hey, Joe Mayo.

- Nice place.
- Thanks.

Can you do me a favor
and stay by the phone...

in case anybody calls
and needs directions?

- Love to.
- Thanks.

- Jerry.
- Music?

Can you keep an eye
on the aquarium...

and make sure nobody
taps on the glass?

Well, I could do that and the music.

Oh, no, don't worry about the music.
Just have fun.

I was ready to get jiggy with it.

- Hey.
- Hey, Elaine.

Hey.

I think you know Dr. Zaius.

So, Elaine, notice anything different
about my pants?

So, George...

- did you get the chair?
- No, I don't have it yet.

So we're giving him nothing?

No, I brought a picture of the chair.

Did you at least get him a card?

I thought we'd all sign the picture.

- Elaine.
- Hey, Joe Mayo.

- I need you to be in charge of coats.
- Oh, fantastic.

All right.

There you go.

Puddy, can you make sure nobody
puts a drink on my sound system?

Sure thing, Joe Mayo.

Hi, I'm Jerry.
How do you like my pants?

Nice.

It's working.

Don't tap on the glass.

Joe Mayo's apartment.

Hey.

Cocktail off the speaker.

Goodbye, Dr. Zaius.

Why are we in Jerry's apartment?

Well, I like to think of this
as my conference room.

Yeah, it has
a more formal atmosphere...

you know, with the shelves
and the furniture.

Make it quick, Kramer.
My wife and I are about to go bowling.

Newman thinks
that you evicted him.

I did.

I don't like Mr. Newman.

- He is an agitator.
- Look.

I've known Newman all my life
in the building...

and you're all wrong about him.
He's a model tenant.

Portly, yes, but smart as a whip.

- Okay. On your word, he can stay.
- All right.

But I'm gonna keep my eye on him.

Well, you won't regret it.

What's wrong?

Elaine, thanks for coming.

Good working with you.

All right, let's hit the bricks.

- What?
- Hey, I got a coat just like this.

So Joe Mayo had the same coat.

And you threw it out the window?

God, you're like a rock star.

So now, Joe Mayo wants me
to buy him a new coat.

Because you threw it out.

No. Because I was in charge
of the coats.

It's insane.

But you did throw his coat
out the window.

But he doesn't know that.

As far as he knows,
someone stole it...

and that's the person
who should be held responsible.

But that's you.

So I'll have to buy him
a new coat...

even though I don't think I should be
held responsible, which I am anyway.

Well, I'm satisfied.

My back is killing me.

Of course. Because of that wallet.

You got a filing cabinet
under half of your ass.

This is an organizer...

a secretary and a friend.

Look at you, you're on a slant.

Here, just give me a couple
of napkins....

Here. Yeah, I'm fine.

What was that?

I think I had some hard candy
in there.

Oh, no, this is supposed to go
to Joe Mayo's apartment.

How does this thing work?

Sir, do you want me to deliver
this chair to your friend's place or not?

- Ready to go?
- All set.

- Can't believe we're going dancing.
- You don't go often?

No, because it's so stupid.
Shall we?

Do me a favor.
Can you hold this for me?

Compact, lipstick, all this?

And can you also carry my keys?

What are you,
a medieval dungeon master?

And a tin of Altoids.

Sharp key.

So you're sleeping
with Silvio's wife?

Well, there's very little sleeping
going on.

Well, why didn't you tell me
about this?

I don't see how
it's any of your business.

Well, it's my business now.

Look, I stuck up for you.

Man, if he catches you,
we're both out.

Hey, what is that up that tree?

Man, that looks like a dead bear.

No. That's a fur coat.
Hey, give me a boost.

Where did you learn
to climb trees like that?

The Pacific Northwest.

So you had to carry
some of Keri's stuff, big deal.

You don't understand.
I went on a successful pocket diet...

and I wanna keep that weight off.

You know what? We sell this thing
at Peterman that'd be perfect for you.

Not more of that crap
from the Titanic?

No, no. It's a small men's carryall.

I'm not carrying a purse.

It's not a purse. It's European.

Hey, did George buy Joe Mayo
that chair yet?

I don't know.

If I'm getting him a new fur,
I'm not chipping in on a gift too.

Yeah.

George, did you get Joe Mayo
that chair yet?

Not yet. Oh, God.

- What?
- It's in transit.

- Did he get it?
- No.

Good. Tell him I'm out.

What? She's out?

So? You're getting a deal, right?
We'll split it three ways.

All right.

What is that noise?

That's my toaster. I gotta go.

Sometimes I get the feeling...

George isn't being completely
honest with me.

Hey.

Oh, here...

- Here are your pliers back.
- Oh, thanks.

Weak hinge.

Well, I guess I better go
and price fur coats.

Go down to 88th Street.
They're free.

- What are you talking about?
- Well, they're hanging from the trees.

You know, Newman found one
there yesterday.

Man, that guy can climb
like a ring-tailed lemur.

88th Street?
That's where Joe Mayo lives.

That's the coat.

What was that pop sound?

Well, I had some hard candy
in there.

So to what do I owe
this unusual invitation?

Come in. Come in.

This is very much
as I imagined it to be.

Aside from this rattan piece,
which seems oddly out of place.

Please, sit down.

Newman...

I wanted to talk to you
about something.

This isn't about my opening
your mail?

- What?
- I don't. Never have.

Anything I read was already open.

Yeah. No. Newman...

I heard that you found
a fur coat in a tree...

and I believe that it belongs
to a friend of mine...

and I'd like to give it back to him.

Sorry, climber's keepers.

You know, Newmie...

I know how you feel about me...

and I have to tell you
I'm quite flattered.

- You are?
- Oh, yeah.

Of all the men that I know...

you're the only one who's held down
a steady job for several years.

Well, it's interesting work.
I don't mind it.

Don't you have a boyfriend?

A burly, athletic type?

Oh, him? Oh, don't worry. He's cool.

- Cool?
- Very cool.

So, what do you say?

Can you do me
this one little favor, Newmie?

How I've waited for this moment.

But alas, my heart belongs
to another man's wife.

- And I have given the coat to her.
- All right, we're done here.

For I am in love with Svetlana.

I don't care if the whole world knows
except for Silvio...

who'd throw me out of the apartment
where I'd be dancing...

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you very much.

- Nice carryall.
- It's European.

- Do you still have my lipstick?
- Yeah, I think I do.

I can never find anything in here.

- Oh, here it is.
- Thanks.

So that Joe Mayo throws
the worst parties, doesn't he?

What was your job?

My job was to keep you away
from the music.

What? He doesn't like
my taste in music?

Guess not.

You should have been there
last year.

I got jiggy with it.

Kramer, it's Silvio.

Open up, I need to talk to you.

I can see you
through the reverse peephole.

Hey, Silvio.

Look at this.

Svetlana says she find it
in the laundry room...

but I think it is a gift
from that postman agitator.

- Where is he?
- Now, relax, Silvio.

No, that's it. You're both out.

Oh, come on. Newman
didn't even give her that.

No, it's that's not even
a woman's coat. That's a man's.

- A man's?
- Yeah.

What kind of a man would wear fur?

Oh, lots of them.

- Would you?
- No.

Then who?

What about Jerry?

- Jerry?
- Yeah, sure. He's a celebrity.

Oh, yeah, they wear a lot of furs.
They're desperate, insecure people.

- Yes, you are right.
- Yeah.

"It's all about me, me, me.

Please look at me. I am so pretty.

Love me. Want me."

Something like that.

I have to do what?

All you have to do is wear the fur,
so Silvio thinks it's yours.

I'm not wearing the fur.

Then Newman and I,
we get thrown out of the building.

Is that right?

All right. Why don't you just take
a good, hard look...

at what your life will be like
if I'm not around?

- Newman too.
- Oh, come on, man.

If you do it, I'll give you that Walkman
you're always asking about.

- That's my Walkman.
- And you'll get it back.

- All right.
- All right. Good.

- Thanks. I owe you one.
- Hey.

Hey, and by the way, that Walkman
was broke when you gave it to me.

- You get that chair?
- It gets here when it gets here.

Would you stop riding me?

You know what,
just call up and cancel it. I'm out.

Excuse me?

Joe doesn't like my taste in music.
He's not getting a gift from me.

I can't believe
you're dropping out too?

So now, Kramer and I have to pay
for the entire gift.

Now, who's this Joe Mayo
everyone's talking about?

He's the guy we're buying
the chair for, remember?

It was your suggestion.

I think the chair is
a fantastic gift idea...

but I never heard
of this Joe Mayo.

And frankly, it sounds made-up.

Oh, so now I have to buy
the whole chair by myself?

- No. You don't have to buy anything.
- I already bought it.

I've been lying to you for three days
and now you're all screwing me.

I don't understand.
Why didn't you tell us?

I needed it.
My back is a little tweaked.

Because of your giant wallet.
Just get rid of it.

Never. It is a part of me.

I will just return the chair
and it will be easy...

because the receipt
is in my good friend.

Your good friend is morbidly obese.

Well, at least
I'm not carrying a purse.

It's not a purse. It's European.

All right, Silvio's down there,
he's shoveling the walk.

All you gotta do is put this on,
you go down to the corner...

you pick up a paper
and come back.

- All right.
- There you go.

How do I look?

Odd.

"Learn guitar. First lesson free."

My receipts. The chair.
My tiger poster.

Hey, Silvio. Just out for a little stroll
in my favorite fur coat.

- That is your coat?
- It sure is.

Kramer says you need it...

because you're an entertainer
and you're desperate for attention.

That's true.

- Jerry, you forgot your purse.
- Oh, thanks.

Hey, Silvio, look at Jerry here...

prancing around in his coat
with his purse.

Yup, he's a dandy.
He's a real fancy boy.

Maybe this isn't my coat.

- Yeah, all right, you're not fancy.
- No. He's very fancy.

"Want me. Love me.
Shower me with kisses."

Jerry, where'd you get it?
That's his coat.

No, it's not. It's mine.
I'm a fancy boy.

That's not your coat.

If that is not his coat,
who's coat is it?

It's Joe Mayo's coat.

Who's Joe Mayo?

It must be the man
that's sleeping with your wife.

- Hey.
- Hey. Hey. Hey.

- Officer.
- There he goes.

Somebody took
my European carryall.

Your what?

The black leather thing with a strap.

You mean a purse?

Yes, a purse. I carry a purse.

So Silvio ambushed Joe Mayo?

Yeah, he's waiting inside
his apartment for him...

with a sock full of pennies.

Should have had
a reverse peephole.

Hey, babe.

Hello? Hello?

What is that?

It's my new coat.

What? You ditched the fur?

Yeah, I saw Jerry wearing his.
He looked like a bit of a dandy.

Check it out.

Eight ball.

"You got a question?
You ask the 8 Ball."

You're gonna wear this all the time?

All signs point to yes.