Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 9, Episode 1 - The Butter Shave - full transcript

Kramer discovers a new use for butter by applying it to his face while he shaves, but he accidentally cooks himself when he uses it as sunscreen. George gets a job with a company that makes playground equipment, and really enjoys it after he successfully convinces his boss that he's handicapped. Jerry is riding a wave of success at comedy clubs, but hates the fact that hack comic Kenny Bania is riding his coattails. Elaine is on her way back from Scandinavia with Puddy and they repeatedly break up and gets back together.

What is Holland?

What do you mean, what is it?
It's a country right next to Belgium.

No, that's the Netherlands.

Holland is the Netherlands.

Then who are the Dutch?

You know,
I cannot stand this thing anymore.

I know, I hate it too.
I feel like an out-of-work porn star.

We should have taken
some kind of vacation.

- Well, why didn't we?
- You said this would be better.


"A vacation from ourselves."

That's what you said.

What if we grew mutton chops?

- No.
- Buzz cuts?

- Parachute pants?
- Stop it, George. Stop it.

I'm sorry.

You've gotta get a job.

Damn it.

Hey, hey, hey.

Check me out.

No more crutches.
That must be a relief.

Yeah. With crutches,
everyone has questions.

- Not with a cane?
- No, with crutches, it's a funny story.

With a cane, it's a sad story.
You through with those?

That is a sad story.

You should've been here.
Some guy from NBC saw my set...

he wants me to do a showcase.

I might have another shot at a pilot.

All right. We're back in.

We? No.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Kenny Bania.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hey, Jerry, did you see me
up there?

I was killing, Jerry. Killing. I killed.

- Killed?
- Killed.

I'm gonna go pick up some chicks.

Good-looking ones too.

Hey, what's your name?

Yeah, he killed.

Because I killed first
and warmed up the crowd.

He's like that fish
that attaches himself to the shark.

- And you're the shark?
- Yeah. I'm the shark.

And he's the fish eating my laughs.

I don't know how a fish
could eat laughs.

Well, I'm glad I brought it up.

You got any shredded coconut?

We're not doing that anymore.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

I got a job interview.

They wanna see me this afternoon.

- So, what's this job?
- Oh, it's beautiful. It's in sports.

- Knicks? Rangers?
- Playground equipment.

Welcome back to the show.

- Yeah, this is better.
- Yeah.

- So you got any shredded coconut?
- No.

I gotta hobble.

I gotta switch shaving creams.
I'm getting no protection.

- What kind do you use?
- Whatever you get.

Look. Post card from Elaine
from Europe.

Don't tell me she's dragging
another poor guy across Europe.

Remember David Puddy?

Oh, the face-painting auto mechanic.
So she's dating him again, huh?

Well, I guess she's batted around
and she's back at the top of the order.

Boy, a month in Europe with Elaine.

That guy's coming home
in a body bag.

Well, let's see, I've got a 10 kroner,
a 5 kroner...

a 20 kroner. No, wait.

That's another 10 kroner.

Femti kroner.

How much is that?

We have to break up.

- What?
- I can't take this anymore.

I don't wanna hear how interesting
the change with the hole in it is.

And tell me what time it is in New York,
you are going home in a body bag.

Well, what do you think the Gap
in Rome has that's not on Broadway?

Okay, all right, listen.

Forget about the Gap
because we are through.

- Fine.
- Fine.

Okay, Terminal 3. Have a nice flight.

Ladies and gent/emen,
our f/ight time with stopovers...

wi// be approximate/y 22 hours.

Hey. You gonna bust out
that drink cart or what?

Hey, what are you doing?

Taking this lace out. It came undone,
touched the floor of a men's room.

That's the end of that.

Did you see Bania's set last night?

I read on the Internet he killed.

He killed.

He only does well
when he has me for a lead-in.

He's a time-slot hit.

Jerry, you gotta give him
some credit.

I mean, you're just being
totally ridiculous.

I'll see you later, buddy.

- Wait, wait, wait a minute.
- What? What? What?

Do I have to ask?

Well, I ran out of butter,
so I had to borrow yours.

Anything else, Mr. Nosy?

Why are you buttering your face?

I'm shaving with it.

Oh, Moses, smell the roses.

Look, Jerry, it's vastly superior
to any commercial shaving cream.

I mean, the shave
is close and clean...

and the natural emollients
keep my skin silky smooth.

- Feel my face.
- No.

- No, feel it.
- I don't want to.

Feel it.

That is close.

I got the job?

George, everybody here at Play Now
is just very impressed with you...

but I'm sure you've heard
that before.



Don't think anyone's
gonna treat you differently...

just because of your...


Oh, I'm not handicapped.

I'm sorry.



See, I didn't mean that.

Of course, you will have your own
private, fully-equipped bathroom.

When do I start?

Well, whenever you feel
that you're able.

You need a hand here?

Yeah, what the hell.

- You got the job?
- Jerry, it's fantastic.

I love the people.
They treat me so great.

They think I'm handicapped.

They gave me this incredible office,
a great view.

- They think you're handicapped?
- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, because of the cane.

You should see the bathroom
they gave me.

How can you do this?

Jerry, let's face it.
I've always been handicapped.

I'm just now getting
the recognition for it.

Name one thing I have that puts me
in a position of advantage.

There was a guy that worked
at the Yankees, no arms.

He got more work done than I did.
Made more money.

He had a wife, a family.

Drove a better car than I did.

He drove a car with no arms?

All right, I made up the part
about the car, but the rest is true.

And he hated me anyway.

Do you know how hard it's getting
just to tell people I know you?

I love that bathroom.

It's got that high toilet.

I feel like a gargoyle perched
on the ledge of a building.

Hey. They hooked me up.

What's with all the butter?

I'm shaving with it.
And you know what?

You can eat it?


My face feels so good,
I'm gonna use it all over my body.

Oh, my God. It's Bania and Jenna.

- Who?
- The toothbrush in the toilet bowl.

Hey, Jerry.

This is Jenna.

Pretty good-looking, huh?

Jerry is the guy
that I dated right before you.

This is awkward.

Don't worry, Kenny.

After dating Jerry,
you're a pleasure.

- I don't believe this.
- You miss her, don't you?

No. He's riding my coattails again.
He's getting everything off of me.

First laughs. Now ladies.

You miss her.

You know, I think, ultimately,
I'm upset with myself.

I knew what I was getting into.
She's a bitter, unstable person.

I mean, the sex was good.

Which I'm sure was fine for her...

but I need more.

Hey, you believing this?

Excuse me, I was sleeping.

Well, you missed
quite a performance.

That's my apple juice.

Someone's cooking.

Hello, Jerry.

Hello, Newman.

You know, old friend...

sometimes I ponder this silly
gulf between us...

and I say, why?

Are we really so different?

- For what is broth...
- I'm not the one doing the cooking.

Damn you, Seinfeld.

You useless pustule.

Somebody's got something
on the griddle. Maybe it's Kramer.

No, he's up on the roof
getting some sun with the butter.

Oh, no.


This is the femti kroner.

You know, my last boyfriend, he had
a real kroner comprehension problem.

You know what I mean?

A real cement head.

- David, you are so funny.
- Yeah, I know.

What are you doing?

It's a long flight.
I had to get on with my life.

By making time with some floozy
across the aisle?

Yeah, that's right.

What's going on over there
with you and...

Vegetable Lasagne?

This guy? Oh, he's an idiot.
He doesn't mean anything to me.

I can hear you.

She doesn't either. If it were up to me,
we'd still be together.

- Well, maybe I feel the same way.
- Okay.

- Okay. So now what?
- Let's make out.

- Kramer.
- What?

Oh, man.

I think I cooked myself.

Look at your skin.

Oh, stick a fork in me, Jerry.

I'm done.

I'm fried.

Technically, you're sautéed.
So, what are you doing for that?

Well, I just gotta keep my skin moist
so I don't dry out.

- Is that what the doctor said?
- No, I read an article in Bon Appétit.

- See you.
- See you.

- Hey, how you doing?
- Hey, buddy.

- Game hen?
- Kind of.

Nice limp. You bringing
your work home with you?

No, I fake limp on my right.

This is a real limp
because I sprained my ankle.

What happened?

Well, I was buttering myself up
for a nice shave.

Oh, not you too.

I must have dripped some on the floor
and I slipped and...

You know what's good for that?


Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld.




No, no, no!

Thank you.

I don't believe this.

They've added Bania to the showcase
and he's going on right after me.

Well, so what?
He's got a couple of good jokes.

Oh, like what? Ovaltine?

Why do dogs drink out of the toilet?

Shopping carts with one bad wheel?

That's true.
That always happens to me.

You think that's funny?

I don't know. I like stuff you don't have
to think about much.

You like Bania's act.

You're a closet Bania fan.

- Maybe I am.
- Oh, I'm gonna puke.

Puke? That's a funny word. Puke.


You don't have to think about that.

I can't believe we broke up like that.

It was stupid.

- You want something to read?
- No, I'm good.

- Well, are you gonna take a nap or?
- No.

You're just gonna sit there
staring at the back of the seat?


That's it. I cannot take this.

I mean, look at this.
Nothing has changed.

We've been together two hours...

we're having the same problems
we had 12 hours ago.

Oh, tell me about it.
I don't know why I ever took you back.

Oh, please. I took you back.

You know it. I know it.
Vegetable Lasagne here knows it.

Please, please.
I don't want to get involved.

I hope a giant mountain rises out of
the ocean and we ram right into it...

and end this whole thing.

Oh, God.

How much longer you gonna be?
I'm starving here.

Just a few more squirts...

because I gotta stay juicy.

That smell.

- It's still with you, huh?
- Oh, yeah, it's baked on in.

Put another stick of butter in.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Would you?

Yeah. Stir it up so it'll melt.

Oh, yeah.

That feels good.

Yeah, now I'm simmering.

I'll meet you at the coffee shop.

- Good morning, George.
- Good morning, sir.

Is there something wrong
with your other leg?

What? No, no.
Just the old handicap acting up.

But your cane's on the wrong side.

Oh, well. That's...

That's just because we're standing
on opposite sides.

Yeah, see, when we met...

I was over there
and you were over here...

so the image was reversed.
Like in a mirror. You see?

See, this looks right to you,
doesn't it?

Yeah, I guess.

But, see, here.




Wrong. Right.

- Right. Wrong.
- Will you stop it, George? Just stop it.

I think I can see
what's going on here.

Well, you're not gonna believe
what happened.

You mugged Steven Hawking?

Play Now thinks
I got problems in both legs.

My own personal Rascal, Jerry.

On the house.

It must comforting to know
you'll be going to hell...

at no more
than three miles an hour.

- Hello?
- Jerry.

Hey, Laney. How's the trip going?

Oh, it's awfu/.

This trip was a huge mistake.


- Please stop shouting. I can't take it.
- Who's that?

- It's Vegetable Lasagne.
- Who?

Vegetable Lasagne.

My name is Magnus.

Shut up or I'// snap you in ha/f
and stuff you in the overhead.

Get me some duty-free Kahlúa.

- How was the trip?
- Sounded good.

Well, gotta motor.

If you got juice left, you might
wanna roll by the showcase tonight.

You're still going on in front
of Bania, huh?

That's right. And I'll tell you what,
I'm feeling a little off.

What are you talking about?

- You're not.
- That's right.

I'm taking a dive.

- You're throwing the set?
- I'm laying down.

Then we'll see how he does, up there,
without all the assistance.

Listen, Jerry, with all due respect...

Bania's voice is the voice
of a new generation.

My generation.

- We're four months apart.
- Nevertheless.

His time has come.

Now, if you will kindly help me
unwedge my front wheel...

I'll be on my way.



Butter. Kramer.

Hey, buddy.

Jerry, what are you doing?

George tells me
you're gonna throw your set?

That's right, Choochie.

Let's see how Bania
does without the cushy time slot.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Jerry Seinfeld.

You'll excuse me.

Whoa, man.

Hey, everybody,
who's ready to laugh?

And what's the deal
with lamp shades?

I mean, if it's a lamp...

why do you want shade?

And what's with people getting sick?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, what's the deal with cancer?

I have cancer.

Tough crowd.

Hey. Hey.

You dented my ride.

What you got there, the four volt?

I did you a favour.

How about I do you a favour
upside your head?

- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah.


Get the bikes.


Well, that wasn't so bad.

What are you talking about?
I bombed.

No, you had some good stuff.

The cancer bit.

It was edgy. It was not my thing.

But some of those people,
they liked it.

- Like who?
- Well, that guy who yelled out.

He had cancer.

And laughter is the best medicine.

Hey, sorry, Kenny.

Guess you got your work
cut out for you.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Kenny Bania.

Where were you?

Jerry, he could have used your laugh.

He was a big turkey up there.


A big, fat turkey.

I'm sorry I missed that.

I'll tell you, he worked so hard
and then he just blows...

What is this? Oregano?

Look at me.

I'm all covered
in oregano and parmesan...

and it's sticking
because of the butter.

Look at me.

Hold this.

What is this? Parsley?

The sweet stench of failure.

He bit me. Get off of me.

Get off me.

Come on.

That stupid two-hour battery.

Now I've got you.


Your legs.

Are you a religious man, sir?


- Eat hickory.
- No.

Hey, Jerry. Did you see it?


Kenny, there you are.

Jay Chermack
and Stu Crespi from NBC.

- Listen, Kenny, really funny out there.
- What?

That thing you did,
the two guys running through?

I love stuff
you don't have to think about.

Give us a call.

We wanna be
in the Kenny Bania business.

By the way, Jerry,
the suspenders...

a little hackey.

How about that, Jerry?

First you had a pilot on NBC
and now I'll have one.

Looks like I'm following you again.

Oh, I'm gonna puke.

Puke? That's a funny word.

Can I use that?

This has been the worst month
of my life...

and if I never see you again
it'll be too soon.


- Oh, that's original.
- Go to hell.

86th and Broadway, please.

I'm sorry, lady,
there's a cab shortage.

The transit police
are making everyone share.

Oh, no.


Oh, no.

I'm sorry.

Oh, no.