Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 8, Episode 21 - The Muffin Tops - full transcript

Hang on,
let me just pick up a paper.

Excuse me. Would you mind...

- watching my bag for a minute?
- Yeah, no problem.

- Let's go.
- Well, I gotta watch this guy's bag.

- For how long?
- I'm sure he'll be back in a second.

- Nice stuff.
- Come on.

Excuse me, sir. Would you mind
watching my bag for a second?

Why? So I can stand here
like an idiot...

not knowing
if you'll ever come back?

- Where are you going?
- I'm gonna be this guy's friend.

- New clothes?
- Yeah, I did some shopping.



Some new-clothes shopping.

Can I borrow your menu?

Strange, for new pants
there's noticeable wear...

on the buttocks of those chinos.

Wait, those are the clothes
from the bag.

The guy never came back.

He asked you to watch them,
not wear them.

I'm still watching them.

- You look like a tourist.
- All right. Let me ask you something.

When do you start to worry
about ear hair?

When you hear, like, a soft rustling.

Puberty that never stops.

Ear puberty, nose puberty,
knuckle puberty.

You gotta be vigilant.



All right. Let me ask you this:

You know
where Walker Street is downtown?

- I got a league meeting there.
- Oh, right, the new job.

- Yeah.
- How is it?

I love it. New office, new salary.
I'm the new Wilhelm.

So who's the new you?

They got an intern
from Francis Lewis High.

His name is Keith.
He comes in Mondays after school.

- Hi, Alex.
- I'm sorry I'm late.

- Have you ordered yet?
- No.

I'll be right back.

Where are you meeting these women?
When they get off the bus...

- at the Port Authority?
- Right here, George. In here.

Try opening this up. You'll find
the biggest dating scene in the world.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hi.
- Where's Jerry?

Well, he's in the shower.

- You want me to get him?
- No, no, no.

Actually,
I kind of need to speak to you.

Oh, well, let's sit down.

Kramer, remember that whole deal
with you selling Peterman...

your stories for his book,
and then he gave them back to you?

Vaguely.

Well, I was kind of
short on material...

and I put them
in the book anyway.

You put my life stories
in his autobiography?

Kramer, listen,
it is such a stupid book.

- It doesn't matter.
- No, no. Sure it matters.

I've broken through, huh?

I'm part of popular culture now.
Listen, I'd like to thank Mr. Peterman.

He's doing a book signing
at Waldenbooks this afternoon.

Waldenbooks.
That's a major chain, huh?

Hey, Jerry,
I'm going to Waldenbooks.

Oh, get out! Get out!
I don't wanna live like this!

All right, let's go.

- Mr. Lippman, how are you?
- How are you?

- Well, I'm not bad. Not bad.
- What are you doing here?

I work for Pendant Publishing.
This is our book.

If you can call it that.

Why is it every half-wit and sitcom star
has his own book out now?

Hey, buddy. Remember me?

You're that gangly fellow
we bought the stories from.

Yeah, I'm just here to do my part.
What's your name, darling?

- Who are you?
- Oh, I'm...

Let me use your pen, will you?

I'm the real Peterman.

All right, playtime's over.

Relax, man.

There's enough juice here
to keep us all fat and giggly.

I can't believe somebody
pulled the top off this muffin.

That was me. I'm sorry, I...

I don't like the stumps.

- So you just eat the tops?
- Oh, yeah, it's the best part.

It's crunchy. It's explosive. It's...

It's where the muffin
breaks free of the pan...

and sort of does its own thing.

I'll tell you, that's a million-dollar idea
right there. Just sell the tops.

Okay. Let's go, slim. That's enough.

- I have a right to be here.
- Come on.

These are my fans.
Hey, you're hurting my elbow.

Try looking up, hayseed.

You wanna sightsee, get on a bus.

Please don't think
all New Yorkers are so rude.

- Well, no, actually I'm...
- I'm Mary Anne.

I work for the New York
Visitors Center.

Where are you visiting from?

Little Rock, Arkansas.

That looks new.

So get this:
Peterman has his henchmen...

forcefully eject me
from the book signing.

Like I'm some sort of maniac.

- Yeah, that's too bad.
- What's the matter with you?

- Nothing.
- No, no, no, don't give me that.

I know you. Something's wrong.
What is it? What happened?

- I did something stupid.
- What did you do?

- Well, I was shaving...
- Yeah.

and I noticed an asymmetry
in my chest hair.

And I was trying to even it out.
And the next thing I knew:

Gone.

Don't you know you're not supposed
to poke around down there?

- Well, women do it.
- "Well, women do it."

Well, I'll tell you what. I'll pick you up
a sundress and a parasol...

and you can just sashay your pretty
little self around the town square.

- Well, what am I gonna tell Alex?
- Now, you listen to me.

You don't tell anybody about this.
No one. You hear me?

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Jerry shaved his chest.
- Hey!

I forgot. Wait, never mind.

You couldn't pay me enough
to ride a horse in this city.

I mean, it's hard enough to cross
the street in a pair of sneakers...

Iet alone six feet in the air
on a jittery, glassy-eyed dinosaur.

How about the beach this weekend?

Well, you couldn't pay me enough
to go to the beach on a weekend.

- I mean, it's hard enough to park...
- All right, all right.

Is that a Mexican Hairless?
I love those.

Oh, hairless. This is where it's at.
It's so much smoother and cleaner.

Really?

Excuse me.
Are you eating a muffin top?

Yeah, a muffin-top store
just opened up down the street.

- A muffin-top store?
- What did I just say?

Top of the muffin to you.

Elaine.

Mr. Lippman?

So you're pretending to be a tourist?

It's beautiful.

She makes all the plans.

I'm not from around here,
so it's okay if I'm stupid.

And she knows
I'm only in town visiting...

so there's no messy breakups.

- How do you explain your apartment?
- I got a hotel room.

You moved into a hotel?

Well, I don't know anyone here, Jerry.
Where else am I gonna stay?

So get this: We're in the park today.
Alex goes wild for this hairless dog.

- So?
- So I figured...

since she likes one hairless animal,
why not another?

- Oh, really?
- Yes.

- You tell her you shaved it?
- Are you nuts?

I don't want her to think
I'm one of those low-rise briefs guys...

who shaves his chest.

Hey, Jerry!

I'm starting a Peterman
Reality Bus Tour. Check it out.

Reality tour?

The last thing this guy is qualified
to give a tour of is reality.

This was my idea.
You stole my idea.

Elaine, these ideas are all in the air.
They're in the air.

Oh, well, then, if that air
is coming out of this face...

then it is my air and my idea.

- You want a muffin or not?
- Peach.

So I've noticed you don't have
much of an accent.

Yeah, my parents have it.
Sometimes it skips a generation.

So I was thinking maybe tonight
we could go back to my hotel.

I got SpectraVision.

First five minutes free.

Look, George...

I'm really enjoying
spending time with you...

but I'm not sure
this is gonna work out.

At some point you're going back
to your job at Tyler Chicken...

and your three-legged dog, Willy.

And I'm still gonna be here.

Well, what if I told you
I'm thinking of moving here?

George, no offense,
but this city would eat you alive.

You're moving to New York?
That's fantastic.

I can see you all the time now.

Eat me alive, huh?
We'll see who can make it in this town.

- What is it she thinks you can't do?
- Find a job, get an apartment.

How did you do those things?

Never mind, they're done.
All I have to do now is redo them.

You know, if you take everything
I've accomplished in my entire life...

and condense it down into one day,
it looks decent.

Hey, what were you doing
with that bus yesterday?

Here you go. Here you go.
Check it out.

"The Real Peterman
Reality Bus Tour."

- I'm confused.
- That Peterman book is big business.

People wanna know
the stories behind the stories.

Nobody wants to go
on a three-hour bus tour...

of a totally unknown person's life.

I'm only charging $37.50, plus you get
a pizza bagel and dessert.

- What's dessert?
- Bite-size 3 Musketeers.

Just like the real Peterman eats.

- He eats those?
- No, I eat those.

I'm the real Peterman.

- I don't...
- Wait a minute.

I think I understand this.

J. Peterman is real.
His biography is not.

Now, you, Kramer, are real.

- Talk to me.
- But your life is Peterman's.

Now, the bus tour, which is real...

takes you to places that,
while they are real...

they are not real in the sense
that they did not really happen...

to the real Peterman, which is you.

- Understand?
- Yeah, it's 37.50 for a 3 Musketeers.

Elaine, I'm in over my head.
Nobody likes my muffin tops.

So? What do you want
me to do about it?

You're the muffin-top expert.
Tell me what I'm doing wrong.

Mr. Lippman, when I worked for you
at Pendant Publishing...

I believed in you, you know,
as a man of integrity.

But when I saw you
in that paper hat and that apron...

What if I cut you in
for 30 percent of the profits?

Deal. Here's your problem:

You're making just the muffin tops.

- What do you mean?
- You gotta make the whole muffin.

Then you...

pop the top, toss the stump.

Taste.

- So, what do we do with the bottoms?
- Give them to a soup kitchen.

- It's a good idea.
- And one more thing.

Do you really think
we need the exclamation point?

Because it's not,
"Top of the muffin to you!"

No, no, it is.

Hey, Jerry.

What's this?

Lady Gillette?

Oh, what's going on?

- Hey.
- What?

- Jeez.
- Can't I get a moment's peace?

- What are you doing to yourself?
- I can't stop.

- Alex thinks I'm naturally hairless.
- What? You can't keep this up.

Don't you know
what's gonna happen?

Every time you shave it, it's gonna
come in thicker and fuller and darker.

- Oh, that's an old wives' tale.
- Is it? Look at this.

- What is...? What is that?
- Look at it! Look at it!

It's all me.
I shaved there when I was a lifeguard.

Oh, come on. That's genetic.
That's not gonna happen to me.

Won't it?
Or has it already started to happen?

Look at this, we're cleaning up.

Oh, Reuben, get me another tray
of low-fat cranberry, please.

Excuse me. I'm Rebecca DeMornay,
from the homeless shelter.

- Oh, hi.
- Are you the ones...

Ieaving those muffin pieces
behind our shelter?

- You've been enjoying them?
- They're just stumps.

- Well, they're perfectly edible.
- Oh, so you just assume...

the homeless will eat them?
They'll eat anything?

- No, we just thought...
- I know what you thought:

"They don't have homes.
Don't have jobs.

What do they need the top of a muffin
for? They're lucky to get the stumps."

If the homeless don't like them,
the homeless don't have to eat them.

The homeless don't like them.
We've never had so many complaints.

Every two minutes:
"Where's the top of this muffin?

- Who ate the rest?"
- We were just trying to help.

Why don't you drop off
chicken skins and lobster shells?

I think I might.

I can't believe
you found something so quickly.

- How much are you paying?
- Twenty-three hundred.

- Ouch, a month?
- Yeah.

Well, I guess that's all right for now.

But if you stay here more than
a few months, you're a real sucker.

Yeah, well, I.... I got lots
of other stuff to show you too.

Wait till you see
the plum job that I landed.

Yeah, we should let this place
air out anyway.

It smells like the last tenant
had monkeys or something.

Coming up on the right...

if you glance up, you'll just make out
my bedroom window.

It's the one
that's covered in chicken wire.

Hey, if you're the real Peterman...

how come you're wearing
those ratty clothes?

- What?
- Well, they're not very romantic.

Well, that's your opinion.

Can I have another 3 Musketeers?
They're rather small.

Forget it.

Okay, Newman's postal route
is around here somewhere.

- Who's Newman?
- Who cares?

Hey, fake Peterman, let me off.
I'm nauseous.

Can I have his candy bar?

Everyone just settle down.

Okay, we got three hours left
on this thing...

and I can't drive and argue
with you rubes all at the same time.

Okay, Lomez's place of worship
is right on the right here.

- Why do I have to go on the tour?
- Jerry, you're a minor celebrity.

You know, if you go on this thing,
it could create a minor stir.

You can bring that little girlfriend
of yours...

and I'll only charge you 60 bucks.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- How's business?
- Oh, I got stump trouble.

The sanitation department
won't get rid of them all.

I can't get a truck to haul this stuff
until next week.

Meanwhile, I'm sitting
on a mountain of stumps.

All right.

I gotta hose the puke
off the floor of the bus.

Bus? Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Bus? You got a bus?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- You got any room on that thing?

Yeah, there are a few seats
still available.

Do you think you could
transport some stumps for me?

I'll make it worth your while.

Well, if they don't mind
sitting in the back.

No, they don't.

Are they war veterans?

This is your office?

Oh, hello. Sorry, George...

didn't know you had a girl in here.
Leave a signal on the doorknob...

Iike a necktie or a sock or something.
Come on, help me out.

Mr. Steinbrenner,
I would like to thank you...

for taking a chance
on a hen supervisor at Tyler Chicken...

- Iike our boy George here.
- Hen supervisor from Tyler Chicken?

Yes, very nice for her
to have met you, sir.

Wait a minute, George.

Be right with you.
Look, Mr. Steinbrenner...

Moonlighting for Tyler Chicken.
Pretty impressive, George.

Days with the New York Yankees,
nights in Arkansas...

with a topflight bird outfit.
And a hen supervisor, to boot.

I am blown. Blown away.

Blown, George. Blown!

You know,
when you make a pizza bagel...

you really shouldn't
use cinnamon raisin.

You also shouldn't use a doughnut.

All right, ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Peterman Reality Tour.

Turn music off.

- Kramer, can we just go?
- And go we will.

What is this? Pizza pound cake?

Well, we have a bonus
ultra-reality stop today.

We're gonna be hauling muffin stumps
to the local repository.

- We're going to a garbage dump?
- And we're off.

You know, I never thought he'd
be able to re-create the experience...

of actually knowing him,
but this is pretty close.

Don Tyler? George Steinbrenner here.
I wanna talk about George Costanza.

I understand he's been
dividing his time between us and you.

- I cannot have that.
- Well, I don't know who he is...

but if you want him that bad,
I'm not giving up that easy.

Oh, is that so? Playing a little
hardball, huh, Donny boy?

How about this:
You give me Costanza.

I convert your concessions
to all chicken, no charge.

Instead of hot dogs, chicken dogs.
Instead of pretzels, chicken twists.

- Instead of beer, alcoholic chicken.
- How do you make...

- that alcoholic chicken?
- They ferment, just like anything else.

That stuff sounds great. All right,
I'll have Costanza on the next bus.

Hey, hey, hey.
Where do you think you're going?

- Well, I was gonna dump this.
- It doesn't look like garbage.

- Well, it's muffin stumps.
- Where are the muffin tops?

This is a garbage dump.

- Just let me dump it.
- Can't do it.

- Is this a joke?
- That's what I like to know about it.

You have a pretty heavy beard,
don't you?

- What's that?
- Well, look.

- It's almost time for you to shave again.
- Oh, yeah.

Well, maybe I will take it up
with Consumer Affairs!

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
you're in for an additional treat.

We're going to extend the tour
at no extra charge.

- Where are we going?
- I don't know.

No more questions.

So the New York Yankees traded you
for a bunch of Tyler Chicken?

Dogs, twists,
and a fermented chicken drink.

Hey, aren't you the guy
I asked to watch my clothes?

- What clothes?
- These clothes.

The ones you're wearing.

- Kramer, how much longer?
- What?

My chest hair's growing back,
and it's itching me like crazy.

- I can't let her see me scratch it.
- Well, don't worry.

- I got a good feeling about this dump.
- I tell you, man, I'm losing it.

I can't sit on this bus anymore.

I think I'll go play with that dog.

I don't know where the tops are.

Jerry, what's the matter?

That feels good.

- Oh, hey, you looking for George?
- Yes.

He's been in the bathroom a while.
You might wanna check on him.

Jerry, you gotta bring me
some clothes here.

I lost my job with the Yankees.

I'm standing in a men's room
on 43rd Street in my underpants.

I told you
this city would eat you alive.

And I think my relationship's
in trouble.

- What is this guy again?
- They call him a cleaner.

He makes problems go away.

- Hello, Elaine.
- Where did you get the car?

It's a rental.

- Where are they?
- In the back.

All right. I'm gonna need
a clean eight-ounce glass.

What is going on here?

If I'm curt, then I apologize.

But as I understand it,
we have a situation here.

And time is of the essence.