Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 8, Episode 20 - The Millennium - full transcript

Kramer and Newman begin preliminary planning on elaborate parties for New Year's Eve 1999, but separate over whether or not Jerry should be included. George gets a job offer with the Mets and devises creative ways to get fired from the Yankees. Jerry dates a girl named Valerie who uses her speed dial as a way of measuring relationships. But when Jerry takes over the top spot, Valerie's step mother steps in demanding that her spot be put back in place. Meanwhile, Elaine gets in a feud with the owner of a Mayan clothing store when she's completely ignored.

Excuse me.

I'll be with you in a minute.

No, you should have come
last night.

It was fun.

I just have a question.

I know. The margaritas
in that place are so strong.


I'd like to buy these huaraches.

So, what else is going on?


Listen, I'll call you back.

Yes? What can I do for you?

Nothing. You just lost a customer.

Ready? I don't want to miss
the previews.

Me neither. I love the previews.

In fact, I enjoy being
the theater cutup.

Last week after a preview,
I yelled out, "Must miss!"

I think that I was in that theater.
That was really funny.

Yeah, I got a good laugh.

Let me just check
my messages before we go.

- So you're on the speed dial?
- After two dates.

- What number?
- Seven.

Wow! You know,
it's a pain to change that.

You've got to lift up
that plastic thing with a pen.

- Hey, buddy.
- Hey.

Is it all right if I keep these here
for a while?

I'm having a New Year's Eve party.

You're gonna keep these here
for eight months?

No, Jerry. New Year's Eve, 1999,
the millennium.

I told you about that.

Kramer, you're gonna leave these
chairs here for two and a half years?

You're not gonna see them.

I got a case of party poppers
I'm gonna keep in front of them.

Hey, so get this.

I got a call this morning
from the Mets' front-office guys.

- They want to take me out to lunch.
- What for?

I'm on a winning ball club, Jerry.
They probably want to pick my brain.

Really, why do you think
they're taking you out to lunch?

I have no idea.

All right, I have had it
with those Mayans.

I don't mind the Mayans.

You know that store, Putumayo?
I was trying to buy these huaraches...

and this saleswoman
just completely ignored me.

Are we talking huaraches?

I know a great store for huaraches.

No, no, not Putumayo.

No, no, Cinco de Mayo.

Yeah, Marcelino,
he turned me onto it.

And he's 1/64 Mayan.

I'm starting to get a bit nervous
about this lunch.

What did you have?

Keep these here too, huh?
They'll be all right.

Kramer, these balloons aren't
gonna stay filled until New Year's.

Those aren't for New Year's.
Those are my everyday balloons.

George, we'll be blunt. The Mets need
somebody to head up scouting.

And we think that someone
might be you.

- Head of scouting?
- Interested?

I'm still here.

Now, unfortunately, league rules
prevent us from making you an offer...

while you're still under contract.

Do you understand
what we're talking about?

- So you're talking...?
- No, no.

We're not talking.

We're just talking.

- So you need me to get fired?
- We didn't say that.

We couldn't say that,
because even if we did...

- We couldn't say that we said it.
- See what we're saying?

But you are still paying
for this lunch?

We didn't say that.

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

There's a lot of chairs
and balloons in my apartment.

How about I make it up
to you with dinner?

Someplace nice this time?

Yeah, I'm sorry about
that Mongolian barbecue last night.

I had heard good things.

I don't know.

It got a two in Zagat's.

Let me just check my messages.

Maybe a nicer girl called.

- Hello.
- Hello?

- Who's this?
- Jane.

- What number did you dial?
- Seven.

Hey! See these?

Cinco de Mayo.

Sales commission, bye-bye-o.

- Good meeting?
- There was no meeting.

But it was quite a meeting.

You are looking at
the next director of Mets scouting.

The only thing is I have to get fired
from the Yankees first.

- You can do that.
- Of course.

But I really want to leave
my mark this time, you know?

I want to walk away
from the Yankees with people saying:

"Wow! Now, that guy got canned."

So you want to go out
in a final blaze of incompetence.

Remember at Dairy Queen
where I cooled my feet...

in the soft-serve machine?

Do you think people will still be using
napkins in the year 2000?

Or is this mouth-vacuum thing
for real?

- So, George.
- Yeah.

I had, like, a so-so date with Valerie.

Now I'm number nine
on the speed dial.

- So?
- So I used to be seven.

I dropped two spots.

What? She's ranking you?

Yeah, the speed dial's like
a relationship barometer.

What is a barometer exactly?

It's pronounced "thermometer."

You know, in the year 2000,
we'll all be on speed dial.

You just think of a person,
they'll be talking to you.

It'll be like,
"I'm getting a call here.

Hey, it's Newman.

Hey, how you doing, Newman?

- I'm not here.
- Oh, you want to talk to Jerry?"

Flowers. You didn't have to do that.

I mean, the dinner and the play
and the hansom cab ride.

Well, I just wanted to... You forgot
the gift certificate to Barnes & Noble.

you know,
make a good impression.

- I'm gonna go put these in some water.
- I like the way you think.

Oh, my God, number one!

Seinfeld, you magnificent bastard.

Sorry I'm late, but look what I found in
the Yankee Hall of Pride display case.

Isn't that Babe's Ruth uniform?

Is it? Strawberries, anyone?

It's good.
Juicy this time of year.

Gotta get the good ones.

Oh, that's bad. That's bad.

So, Jerry, my millennium party's
really coming together.

Will people be able to breathe
under water in the year 2000?

Some of us.

I don't want to exclude anybody.

Shove it.

What is all this?

I got all of this junk
at Cinco de Mayo...

because I was trying
to show Putumayo...

how much business they'd lost.

I mean, I've been dancing
and strutting...

in front of their store for two days.

Oh, no wonder
we're getting so much rain.

Elaine, I'm having a millennium party,
so save the date.

Hey, you know what? Newman sent
me an invitation already to his party.

- Newman?
- Yeah.

"Come celebrate the millennium
with 'Newmannium."'


Hi, Valerie.

- You're not Valerie.
- I'm her stepmother.


It's taken me 13 years to climb up
to the top of that speed dial...

and I don't intend
to lose my spot to you.

- But I never...
- You just stay away from that phone.

You wanted to see me, sir?

I heard about what happened
at the meeting.

Yes. I already packed up my desk.
I could be out of here in an hour.

And I have to tell you it's exactly
what this organization needed.

To look to the future,
we've got to tear down the past.

Babe Ruth was nothing more
than a fat old man with little-girl legs.

And here's something
I just found out recently.

He wasn't really a sultan, huh?
What do you make of that?

Hey, check this out.

Lou Gehrig's pants. Not a bad fit.

You don't think that nerve disease
of his was contagious, do you?

Better take them off.
I'm too important to this team.

Big Stein can't be flopping
and twitching.

Hey, how about some lunch?
What are you going for?

You know, Valerie, I couldn't help
but notice that I'm on your speed dial.

You deserve it.

But I can't help thinking...

that maybe there's someone
in your life who deserves it more.

Someone you've known,
you know, more than a week.

My stepmother got to you,
didn't she?

What? No.

I can't believe she did this again.

That's it.
She's off the speed dial completely.

Well, I just got your invitation
to the Newmannium party.

You just got it?
Damn, the mail is slow.

You knew I was having
a millennium party...

but you just had to throw yours
on the same day.

I have done nothing unethical.

You have to cancel it, because
I've told everybody about my party.

Cancel? Think again, long shanks.

I started planning this in 1978.

I put a deposit down on that restaurant
that overlooks Times Square.

And I booked Christopher Cross.

Well, what am I gonna do?
I've got over 200 folding chairs...

and quite a bit of ice.

- What kind?
- Cubed.

That's good stuff.

And you can never have
too much ice.

All right, I'll tell you what I'll do.

You can cohost the party
with me under one condition.

No Jerry. Jerry is not invited.

I got to invite Jerry. He's my buddy.

That he may be, but he's out of my life
starting in the year 2000.

For me, the next millennium
must be Jerry-free.

How could they not fire you?

Never thought I'd fail at failing.

Oh, come on, now.

- Feel like I can't do anything wrong.
- Nonsense.

You do everything wrong.

- Everything?
- Everything.

- You really think so?
- Absolutely.

I have no confidence in you.

All right.

I guess I just have to pick myself up,
dust myself off...

and throw myself
right back down again.

That's the spirit. You suck.

I know.

No, no, no, listen to me.
I work in fashion.

Together we can drive
Putumayo out of business...

and make Cinco de Mayo,
numero uno de Mayo.

Do you need some help
with something?

You? What are you doing here?

I own this store.

No, you don't. You own Putumayo.

Unless you own both stores.

I'm Gladys Mayo.

This really sticks in my craw.

Well, Mrs. Hamilton, it's nice that you
and Valerie patched things up...

so we could all
get together like this.

Where is Valerie?

I'm sure she'll be along.

Have some wine, Jerome.


You know, Jerome, I can understand
what Valerie sees in you.

So attractive, so strong, so comedic.


Jerome, I have
a deliciously naughty idea.


Why don't I put you
on my speed dial?

I don't know, Mrs. Hamilton.
That doesn't sound...

Don't be such a child, Jerome.

How's number three sound?

Valerie's not coming over, is she?

- Seven, four...
- No.

- two.
- Stop. Stop. This isn't right.

- What about Valerie?
- I won't tell if you don't.

Oh, my...



It's 2000.


Oh, Jerry.

Yankees 2, Orioles nothing.
Wait a minute.

A short, stocky, bald man
is streaking across the field.

Oh, my God, George.

No, check that.
He's not streaking.

He's wearing
a flesh-toned body stocking.

Apparently he's a bit bashful,
and oddly, no one seems upset.

- It's George.
- Everyone loves him.

Yeah, I know.

Listen, Jerry, I can't let you come
to my New Year's party.

- All right.
- It's killing me.

Newman's got the jump on the invites
and will crush me if I try to go it alone.

- No problem.
- You're right.

I won't do it without you.

Oh, I feel so ashamed
I even thought of it.

Elaine, you can't go
to Newman's Newmannium.

- Okay.
- No, no, no, you've got to spend...

New Year's 1999
with me and Jerry.

- Fine.
- Oh, come on!

- All right.
- Yes, all right.

So it's you, it's me
and it's Jerry, huh?

Now things are starting to snowball.
I'll tell Newman I don't need him.

So I'll see you two
in the 21 st century.

Okay. Kramer, wait a minute.

- Do you still have that pricing gun?
- Yeah.

Okay. I need you to help me
put Putumayo out of business.

Can do.

What you doing
with a pricing gun?

That place is about to have the sale
of the century. Nothing over 99 cents.

Still a rip-off.

- Hello.
- I was just at my stepmom's house...

and I saw that you were
on her speed dial.

Well, she probably just wanted
to be able to keep tabs on you.

Hold on a second.

- Hello.
- Hi, Jerome.

Oh, Mrs. Hamilton,
this is a very bad time.

I've got Valerie on the other line.
Just a second.

- Hello.
- That's her, isn't it?

- Well....
- I don't want you on her speed dial.

Hang on.

She knows about the speed dial.
You gotta get me off this thing.

I won't until she puts me
back on hers.

Hang on.

She wants to be back on yours.

- Fine. But only if you're off hers.
- Hang on.

Fine, if I'm off yours.

- No, still me.
- Sorry, hang on.

Fine, if I'm off yours.

I won't do it. It's my speed dial
and I don't trust her.

Please, Mrs. Hamilton,
this is very awkward for me.

All right.

I'll hide you in one
of the emergency buttons.

Great. Bye.

- She said she'll do it.
- Great.

Hang on.

- Hello.
- Jerry.

I can't get fired.

Hey, body-suit man, what's up?

- Hey, Body-Suit Man.
- Hey, look at that.

- Body-Suit man.
- Hey!

Hi, I'm H.E. Pennypacker.

I'm a wealthy
American industrialist...

Iooking to open a silver mine
in the mountains of Peru.

And before I invest millions
in a lucrative mine...

I'd like to go a little native.

Get the feel of their condiments,
their unmentionables.

- You know, the real gritty-gritty.
- Well, let me show you what we have.

No, no, I think I can just
browse around on my own.

Machu Picchu.

- Are these free?
- Yeah.

Some of those are women's clothes.

Oh, not a problem.

Attention, Steinbrenner
and front-office morons.

Your triumphs mean nothing.

You all stink.

You can sit on it and rotate!

This is George Costanza.

I fear no reprisal.

Extension 5170.

Come on.
What is taking you so long?

I broke the price gun,
so I had to move to plan B.

- Plan B?
- Yeah.

There is no plan B.

I took these out of every single
garment in the store.

- What?
- They're desiccants.

See, they absorb moisture.

These clothes won't last
five years without them.

- That's not gonna do anything.
- Patience.

- All right, forget it.
- What?

You have screwed me again,

Ladies, care for some chips?

Well, I don't mind if I do.

Well, I've changed my mind.

I think I'm going to build
a roller coaster instead.

I heard what you did
in the parking lot, big boy....

and it is inexcusable.

Personally insulting me, my staff.

I cannot believe that you,
Body-Suit Man...

could perpetrate
such a disloyal deed.

It breaks my heart to say it.
Who am I kidding? I love it. You're...

Wait! Wait, Mr. Steinbrenner.

George doesn't deserve
any blame...

for what happened
in the parking lot today, sir.

- If there's anyone to blame, it's me.
- What are you talking about?

- You popping pills? Got the crazies?
- No. No, sir.

I ordered George to drive around
insulting people today...

because I'm tired
of all your macho head games.

He's lying, sir. I'm tired
of all your macho head games.

- Macho head games?
- He's just being loyal to me, sir.

Wilhelm, you're fired.

I owe you an apology,
Body-Suit Man. Streak on.

Now, if you'll excuse me.
I'm not going to the game today.

I'm going to go outside
and scalp some tickets.

Owner's box. That's gotta bring
in 40 bucks, no problem.

Mr. Wilhelm, what was that?

I wanted to get fired.

George, you are looking at the new
head scout of the New York Mets.

I don't know what Elaine
is so upset about.

Without desiccants, those clothes
will be noticeably musty in five years.

She never sees the big picture.

- Hello, Newman.
- Hello, Jerry.

What did you say to Elaine?

I just got her cancellation
in the mail.

Oh, well, I guess she found
someplace better to go.

Well, it's her mistake because she's
going to miss the party of a lifetime.

Well, maybe so,
but come midnight...

when she's looking for someone
warm and cuddly to kiss...

I guess you'll be caught between
the moon and New York City.

All right. Come back
to my party, please.

Jerry too, of course.

You don't want to do your act
or anything, do you?

- No.
- All right, then.

I guess I can accept a little Jerry
if it gets me a lot of Elaine.

- Deal?
- To the Newmannium.

To the "Kramennium."

By the way, Newman,
I'm just curious.

When you booked the hotel, did you
book it for the millennium New Year?

As a matter of fact, I did.

That's interesting
because as everyone knows...

since there was no year zero...

the millennium doesn't
begin until the year 2001...

which would make your party
one year late...

and thus quite lame.

I don't feel well at all.

I feel all dried-out inside.

- I'll call for help.
- Okay.

- Hello.
- Who's this?

- It's Jerry. Who's this?
- It's Valerie.

Oh, hi, Valerie, what's up?

I'll tell you what's up.
My stepmother is violently ill...

so I hit the button for Poison Control
and I get you.

Wow, Poison Control.
That's even higher than number one.