Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 8, Episode 17 - The English Patient - full transcript

You know at the movies they show
that ad for the concessions?

Where the cartoon candy's dancing
and the Milk Dud's playing the banjo?

- Oh, he's wailing on that banjo.
- Yeah.

I just don't understand
the Raisinets.

- The sax player? Yeah.
- Yeah.

The box of Raisinets runs
up to the concession stand...

buys another box of Raisinets.

- So?
- Box of Raisinets eating...

another box of Raisinets?

It's perverse.

He's not gonna eat them.



He's buying them
for his Pepsi girlfriend.

And why is he dating a Pepsi?
They're not having children.

They're musicians.

Musicians.

Get a real job.

- What do you want?
- I've had everything on the menu.

Surprise me.

Neil, Neil.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm supposed to
meet my boyfriend here.

He looks just like you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Like me?
- Yeah, sorry.

Like me?

But how?



Here's your halibut omelet.

- Surprised?
- Yes. Yes, I am.

Look what I got for you
for your Florida trip.

Crazy Shirts was closing them out.
I got a dozen for a buck.

I saved a fortune. Look at that.

There you go.

- "Number-one dad."
- Yeah.

And it's a medium. Perfect.

- Hey. Hey. You ready?
- Almost.

Look, when you're
in Florida, can my cigar guy...

drop off some Cubans
for me at your parents'?

I'm helping my parents
move into their new condo.

- I'm gonna be busy.
- Oh, come on, man, help a brother out.

- All right.
- Yeah. I owe you one.

We're even.

Hey, Jerry, figure this out.

I'm in the coffee shop...

and this beautiful girl
I could never even talk to...

mistakes me for her boyfriend.

That's a nice four seconds.

I look just like him. I, me, this.

This is what her boyfriend looks like.
How is that possible?

- Maybe he has money.
- Maybe he doesn't.

Maybe he and I are
exactly the same...

except for one minor
yet crucial detail.

- You never know.
- Sometimes you do.

Maybe it's some...
Some small thing I could change.

Like a mustache
or wearing a top hat...

or a monocle or a cane.

Who's she dating? Mr. Peanut?

You could do a lot worse than
Mr. Peanut, my friend.

So, what do you want to see?

How about Sack Lunch?

How about The English Patient?
It's up for all those Oscars.

Come on, Blaine, I mean,
look at the poster for Sack Lunch.

It's a family in a brown paper bag.

Don't you wanna know
how they got in there?

No.

- Oh, sold out.
- Oh, two for The English Patient.

So do you think they got shrunk down,
or is it just a giant sack?

Hi, remember me?

I'm the guy that looks like Neil.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Is Neil here?

Oh, no, he got held up at work.

Oh, that's too bad.
I wanted to meet him...

seeing as we look so similar.

Well, you know, you don't look
that much like him.

- Of course not.
- No, you're a little taller.

You look like you're in better shape
than Neil. Do you work out?

Listen, I... I don't mean
to seem forward...

but is there any way
that I could possibly...

have Neil's phone number?

What is everyone talking about:

"The English Patient,
it's so romantic"?

God, that movie stunk.

I kind of liked it.

No, you didn't.

Elaine, Blaine, did you just see
The English Patient?

Didn't you love it?

- No.
- How could you not love that movie?

How about, it sucked.

That Ralph Fiennes. I would give up
my firstborn for him.

He's getting the short end
of that stick.

Jerry, this is Del Boca Vista's
new physical fitness room.

They got medicine balls.
You can bike ride.

- Anything you want.
- StairMaster?

- What?
- Nothing.

- See what I'm wearing?
- Oh, did you get that out of my bag?

No, your mother found it.

Son, this is the most wonderful...

and thoughtful thing
you've ever done for me.

You know, I bought you
a Cadillac. Twice.

Oh, here he is.

This is the man I wanted you to see.

Izzy Mandelbaum.
He's 80 years old but strong as an ox.

Watch this.

See that? You couldn't do that.

I could. I choose not to.

Hey, Morty, who's this?

This is my son, Jerry,
from New York.

- He thinks he can lift more than Izzy.
- I didn't say that.

Hey, Izzy, this kid says he can
lift more than you can.

Hey, your kid's pretty funny, Morty.
He should be a comedian.

- Actually, I am a comedian.
- That's not so funny.

Think you're better than me, huh?

Izzy used to work out
with Charles Atlas in the '50s.

1850s?

Well, that's it. It's go time.
Let's see you lift that.

- Mr. Mandelbaum...
- Come on.

- Pump it.
- All right.

Wrong attitude. You're not bringing
that trash into my house.

There. All right?

Step aside, string bean.

I'll show you.

I'm gonna take it up a notch.

My back.

Somebody call an ambulance.

There's already an ambulance here
for Mrs. Glickman.

There's room for one more.

Hey, one for Sack Lunch.
It's good, right?

Yeah, good.

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

We just saw
The English Patient again.

It's even better the second time.

They make it longer?

Forgot my umbrella.

- Blaine.
- Elaine.

You said you were busy tonight.

To tell you the truth, Elaine.

I don't know if I can be with someone
who doesn't like The English Patient.

It's just a stupid movie.

- That's what I'm talking about.
- Come on, Blaine.

Let's go.

Enjoy Sack Lunch.

I will.

How could you do that
to Mr. Mandelbaum?

- You should be ashamed of yourself.
- He egged me on.

- You should be more mature.
- He's 80.

Okay. Tomorrow Jerry and I
will visit Izzy and apologize.

- Now, good night.
- You're not sleeping in that shirt.

It's too tight.

- This shirt will never leave my body.
- Good night.

All right, 7:30,
got the place to myself.

- Jerry Seinfeld, please.
- You must be Kramer's guys.

- Come on in. You got the cigars?
- What cigars?

Kramer said to bring him
some Cubans.

We are the Cubans.

Yeah, hello, Jerry's place.

They're real Cubans?

They're human beings from Cuba?

I said Cubans.
What did you think I meant?

Cigars.

Jerry, Cuban cigars
are illegal in this country.

- That's why I got these guys.
- You're making your own cigars now?

Yeah, I got investors all lined up.

Hold on a second. Hi, Dad.

- Who are they?
- They're Cuban cigar rollers.

Don't tell your mother.

What is that bubbling sound?
Are you making your tomato sauce?

- Yeah, hot and spicy.
- You're not wearing a shirt, are you?

Yes, I am.

What color is it?

Damn it.

You know, you could have just
given me Neil's number.

You didn't have to
take me out to dinner.

I wanted to give it to you in person.

I don't have to be up in the morning
and I know a great breakfast place...

right around the corner.

Does Neil like to
eat a big breakfast?

Why don't you come in?
We'll talk about it.

I really should get going.

I wanna be home in case Neil calls.

Well, good night.

I'll see you.

Rough night?

You wouldn't believe it.

My boyfriend dumped me.

My friends, who I don't even like...

they won't talk to me,
all because I don't like...

that stupid English Patient movie.

Really? I thought it was pretty good.

Oh, come on.

Good? What was good about it?

Those sex scenes. I mean, please.

Give me something I can use.

Well, I liked it.

You forgot about my piece of pie.

Hello?

You know, sex in a tub.
That doesn't work.

This is quite a condo.

The Mandelbaums own
the Magic Pan restaurants.

- The crepe place?
- Yeah, this is all big crepe money.

There's crepe money?

What are you doing here?

Mr. Mandelbaum,
I wanted to come by...

tell you how sorry I was
you hurt yourself.

What the hell is that?

- What?
- That shirt.

You think that you
are the number-one dad?

This was a gift from my son.

Oh, I see how it works now.

He knocks me out of commission...

so you can strut around
in your fancy number-one shirt.

Well, I'll show you
who's number one.

- Mr. Mandelbaum, please.
- It's go time.

My back... I can't move.

- Call an ambulance.
- Think I saw one a couple doors down.

So she wanted you to come up...

but you left because you thought
some guy might be calling you?

Some guy, some guy?

Neil.

I have got to find out
how he could get a girl like Danielle.

George, you've got Danielle.
Forget about Neil.

You've "out-Neiled" him.

So I'm Neil. How did I do that?

I don't know,
but you better keep it up.

I'm gonna go meet Danielle.

There's a new Neil in town.

I try take a vacation. I come back,
the whole operation's in shambles.

- Hello.
- Hey, Jerry. Number one here.

Did you go see Izzy
at the back specialist?

- I will. I just walked in the door.
- You have to go see him.

- Ma.
- Helen, will you stop bothering him?

Jerry, that shirt has gone
to his head.

Number one, signing off.

Jerry, I just picked up the Cubans
at the bus station.

What's going on?

- What?
- They're not real Cubans.

- They're Dominicans.
- So?

So, Jerry, if my investors
don't get Cubans, the whole deal's off.

- What's the difference?
- Jerry, once you've had real Cubans...

there's just nothing else like it.

We're talking about people, right?

Yes, yes, the quality, the texture,
the intoxicating aroma.

These guys don't have it.

I thought they smelled pretty nice.

- Jerry, your palate's unrefined.
- Is not.

- Is too. Is too.
- Is not.

- I'm not having this conversation.
- Are too.

- Are too. Are too.
- Am not. Am not.

Another productive meeting.

By the way, I saw that
English Patient film last night.

- It was extraordinary.
- Oh, yes, it was so romantic.

- It ravished me.
- Elaine, what did you think?

Well, actually I haven't seen it...

so I couldn't tell you
whether I liked it...

or whether it really sucked.

- You haven't seen it?
- No.

That's it. Drop everything.
We're going right now.

Again, Mr. Mandelbaum, this back
specialist is supposed to be the best.

If there's anything else I can do, don't
hesitate to try and find my number.

Oh, wait.

How about that, huh?

The "World's Greatest Dad."

My son made it for me.

- That's very nice.
- The best in the world...

which means I'm better
than just number one.

Well, I don't know how official
any of these rankings really are.

- Hi, Son.
- Hi, Daddy.

This is your son?

I got married in high school.

Hey, who are you?

This is Seinfeld's kid.

Oh, you think you're tough,
picking on an old man?

Maybe you'd like to try taking on
somebody your own age.

You got any kids?

Oh, you think you're
better than me?

Go ahead, pick out anything
in the room here.

I'll lift it up over my head.

Look, no one is lifting anything.

The television.

This one's for you, Pop. It's go time.

Oh, my back.

- Call an ambulance.
- We're already in a hospital.

All right, partner.
Let's get down to business.

Okay. Well, I'll...
I'll get the Cubans.

They're right out here.

Yeah, here they are.
They're Cubans, real Cubans.

You wouldn't be trying to sell
old Earl Haffler...

Dominicans in a Cuban wrapper,
now, would you?

Oh, come on, look at these boys.

If they were any more Cuban, Castro
would have smoked them himself.

- We're talking about people, right?
- I think so.

I thought he quit smoking cigars.

Well, yeah, yeah, but they also rolled
for his brother, Dennis.

- Dennis Castro?
- Dwayne.

- Get the hell out of my office.
- What?

- You know, Neil called me today.
- Really?

Yeah, he's pretty upset I broke up
with him to go out with you.

Well, I guess I showed
Neil who's Neil.

He wanted to get together
tomorrow and have coffee.

Coffee?

I can beat that. Move in with me.

- What?
- It beats the hell out of coffee.

And I thought I knew what love was.

- You asked her to move in with you?
- I gotta stay one step ahead of Neil.

What if it's Neil Armstrong?

Then I'm going to Mars.

- What if it's Neil Diamond?
- Oh, shut up, Jerry, just shut up.

All right, I gotta go back
to the hospital.

- What? To see the old guy?
- No, I got into a thing with the son...

and now he's laid up too.

- How old's the son?
- I think he's the same age as the father.

What is with this family?

Don't know.
It's like, one of them dies...

the other one wants to
bench-press the casket.

Hey, Jerry.

You cold?

- It's them, right?
- Something wrong your chin?

- Where?
- No, no, no, don't look.

Over there, the Dominicans.

Aren't they supposed to be
rolling cigars?

Well, it didn't quite work out and
now I've got nothing for them to do.

- So?
- So I taught them all about Cuba...

and they really took to it.

You know, Marxism,
the workers' revolution, the clothing.

Boy, they seem pretty angry
about something.

Yeah, I'm a little worried.

When there's no work
and the people get restless...

who do you think they come after?

I swear to you, I didn't know
the TV was bolted to the table.

I bet you pulled that trick
on my daddy in Florida.

He couldn't handle the weight.

Oh, so now you think
you're better than me?

You think you're better than him?

Look, let me just state for the record,
I think you're both better than me.

Okay.

My boys.

- My dad.
- My grandpa.

Oh, come on.

What happened to him?

He was trying to lift the TV.

- That TV?
- Oh, no.

It's go time.

Why didn't anybody tell me
it was bolted down?

I still thought you could do it.

Me too.

Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum,
Mandelbaum.

Fellas, fellas, fellas, look, I gotta go.

Oh, yeah, that's right, go.

Put us all in the hospital...

and you ruined our business
with all your macho head games.

- I didn't ruin your business.
- Yes, you did.

There's nobody there now at
the Magic Pan to roll the crepes.

- We gotta close it up.
- Don't you hire people to do that?

Each crepe has to be hand-rolled
by a Mandelbaum.

That's what puts the magic
in Magic Pan.

So you just need some guys
that could roll them?

Yeah.

I think I can help you out.
I'll see you later.

Hey, I can't see the TV.

Here.

You think you're better than us,
don't you?

Elaine, I hope you're
watching the clothes...

because I can't take my eyes
off the passion.

No, I can't do this anymore.

I can't. It's too long.

Quit telling your stupid story...

about the stupid desert
and just die already.

Die!

Elaine, you don't like the movie?

I hate it!

Oh, go to hell!

Well, why didn't you say so
in the first place?

- You're fired.
- Great. I'll wait for you outside.

He was gonna fire you?

Well, the only way
I could talk him out of it...

was that I agreed to go
and visit the Tunisian desert.

- Tunisia?
- That's where they filmed the movie.

It's supposed to inspire me.

- Well, that doesn't sound so bad.
- I have to live in a cave.

These Dominicans really know
their way around a crepe, huh?

Look at that. Looks like they're
rolling a Double Corona.

Just a cigar made out of Bisquick,
huh, Guillermo?

I'm very happy with George.

I'm sorry, Neil.

It's over.

Come on, let's just eat our crepes.

My face!

Neil!

Why are the crepes spraying?

The Dominicans are rolling them
too tight.

Well, that's why you gotta get
real Cubans.

Danielle. Where's Neil?

- Is this him?
- Yeah.

That blueberry crepe
burned him pretty badly.

Whose cane is this?

It's Neil's.

Cane.

I knew it.

So we meet at last.

I admire your skills, Mr. Peanut.

Well, Danielle, we should get going.

I got a key made for you.

- George, I can't move in with you.
- What?

I'm sorry, but I'm taking Neil
to a clinic in England.

No, no, you can't leave me.

Marry me. I'll burn myself.
I'll burn my parents.

Sorry, George.

George.

I win.

Ladies and gentlemen,
in just one moment...

we'll be showing
our feature presentation.

No, no, no.

The comedy hit, Sack Lunch,
starring Dabney Coleman.

All right. Oh, this is shaping up.

- Excuse me, please.
- Oh, sure.

Ladies and gentlemen...

because we have been exploited by
your Magic Pan crepe restaurants...

we are hijacking
this plane to Cuba.

Everyone stay in your seats.

And shut that movie off.

Oh, nuts.

Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum.