Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 8, Episode 16 - The Pothole - full transcript

- Morning.
- Morning.

I hope you don't mind
baking-soda flavor.

Baking soda,
annoying little product.

"I can do this, I can do that."
Why doesn't the stuff just shut up?

Let me grab you a towel.

- So?
- So? She used the toothbrush.

- You grabbed it out of there real fast?
- Yeah.

So I'm sure whatever germs
it landed on were knocked out.

When the rest realized
what was going on...

you had already grabbed it out.

How many years of med school
did you have?



Was she mad?

- You didn't tell her.
- Jenna's like me. She's very....

Finicky? Prissy? Fastidious?

I'll take "fastidious."

What is that?

Steinbrenner gave them to us.

For Phil Rizzuto's
induction to the Hall of Fame.

Holy cow.

Do they have to squeeze his head
to get him to say "Holy cow"?

Just the last few innings
of a double-header.

Hey.

Look at this.

I'm in the passing lane of
the Arthur Berkhardt Expressway...

going 70, and:



Dragged this thing for five exits.

Why didn't you pull over?

Well, I was drafting behind a semi.
I didn't wanna lose him.

The infrastructure, Jerry,
it's crumbling.

Holy cow.

Oh, look at that. Talking Nixon.

- China Panda.
- Yeah, I'd like to place an order.

Yes, what you like?

This supreme flounder, it says
"First time served in America."

- Is that true?
- What number?

- Forty-seven?
- Yeah, first time. What else?

- That's it.
- Address.

78 West 86th Street, apartment 3E.

That's south side.
Sorry, we don't deliver below 86.

- I'm not below.
- Yes, you are.

- Street itself is boundary.
- Your guy can't cross to my side?

If we deliver to you, then what?

85th Street? Wall Street?
Mexico? 84th Street?

All right, fine.
I'll just cross and meet him.

Sorry. Food only for those
who live within boundary.

- China Panda.
- Yeah, yeah.

I'd like to place an order.

What you like?

Well, I'm a papa.

Bring it on.
Nothing's throwing me at this point.

Well, as of today,
I am a proud parent...

of a one-mile stretch
of the Arthur Berkhardt Expressway.

- Oh, that Adopt-A-Highway thing.
- I'm part of the solution now, Jerry.

I went down there
and I checked it out this morning.

- Here, take a look. Mile 114.
- Oh, looks just like you.

Oh, I'm beaming, Jerry.

What do you do?
Pay to keep it clean?

No. They try to push you into
using their cleaning crew...

with all their so-called
maintenance equipment.

- That old scam.
- That's why I'm doing it all myself.

This parenting isn't about
delegating responsibility...

it's about being there.

At the side of the road
with a pile of garbage.

Quality time.

- Keys. I can't find my keys.
- You lost Phil Rizzuto's head?

- Have you seen him?
- No.

- Damn it.
- Come on, retrace your steps.

- What'd you do today?
- I got up...

I was supposed to go to work,
I came here instead.

They're not here.
You'll have to dig up your spare set.

I don't have a spare set.
All my keys say "do not duplicate."

- So?
- So you can't duplicate them.

Sure you can. Such a sweet kid.

Oh, hi. China Panda?

Why are you waiting on the street
and not in your apartment?

I thought that I would
meet you halfway.

- Do you really live here?
- Oh, yeah.

There you go. You keep the change.
Bye, now.

I'll see you.

You know, this isn't fair.
This is address discrimination.

Well, I cleaned out their whole
dental-hygiene shelf.

So the plan is to secretly
sterilize her mouth?

When I'm through with her mouth,
she'll be able to eat off it.

Is it safe to drink bleach
if you dilute it?

No. Stings the throat. Anyway,
so I was coming along here.

I felt like a piece of cake,
you know?

So then I thought, "It's morning,
I should really have a muffin."

I like those chocolate-chip ones.

Then I figured, well,
they're really both cake.

So I sat on that bench for a little while,
20 minutes or an hour...

and then I figured I'd check
and see what you were up to.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
The broad jump.

The broad jump over the pothole
on 86th Street.

I remember.
As I jumped over the hole...

- I heard, like, a jingling sound.
- You didn't look down?

I was trying to stick the landing.
I know it was right around here.

No. No!

Holy... Holy cow.

Poor son of a bitch.

It's 100,000 revolutions a second.

- It's the most powerful one they make.
- I feel like I'm holding a blender.

The engine's made
by McDonnell Douglas.

No, no, you keep going.
It shuts off automatically.

Really? It does?

When the battery runs out.

I was really happy
with my old toothbrush.

Oh, trust me, that one was doing
more harm than good.

Don't forget to use the Plax too.

- That stuff tastes like bleach.
- I don't know anything about that.

- My mouth feels so clean.
- That's the idea.

You know, maybe we better not.
I think I'm getting a little cold.

I don't wanna give you
any of my germs.

Okay. Thanks, I guess.

You still couldn't kiss her?

She has a taint. I can't see it,
but I know it's there.

Oh, so now you're finding fault
on a subatomic level.

Maybe if I could shrink myself down,
like in Fantastic Voyage...

and get inside a microscopic
submarine, I could be sure.

Although if there was something there,
it might be pretty scary.

Of course, I would have that laser.

Jer, do you see where this is going?

Being really clean and happy?

Jerry, you have tendencies.

They were always annoying,
but they were just tendencies.

But now, if you can't kiss this girl,
I'm afraid we're talking disorder.

- Disorder?
- And from disorder...

you're a quirk or two away
from full-on dementia.

That could hurt me.

Hey, there it is.

Should we stop and say hi?

- No, we've seen it.
- Yeah.

Hey, Jerry! Yeah, I'll see you
back at the house.

Mile 114, clean as a whistle.

- Yeah?
- Hi.

I'm your neighbor...

from across the street.

And I was wondering if it wouldn't
be too much trouble...

if I could use your apartment
to order some food.

What? What do you want?

You see, there's this
certain flounder...

and they won't deliver it
to my side of the street.

When is that?

No, I just need them
to deliver it here...

and I have to be
kind of inside, is all.

Who are you with?

No, actually, I'm just kind of hungry.

- Who let you in?
- Well, the lock was broken.

You just have to jiggle it,
actually, to get... But...

I just need like half an hour
to an hour.

What's with the signs?

You should see the Berkhardt,
Jerry.

My mile is spotless.
I mean, the big stuff was easy:

Cinder blocks, air conditioners,
shopping carts.

- I just rolled them into the woods.
- Yeah, that stuff's all natural anyway.

Speed limit, 165 miles per hour.

See? They slipped a one in there.

Those kids with the spray paint,
God love them.

Hey, so? Keys?

No keys. And I've been
calling the city all day.

There's no one to call
if you wanna make a pothole.

I guess they leave that
to the general population.

I'll tell you, if the real Phil Rizzuto was
down there this wouldn't be happening.

- Hard to say.
- You need some roadwork done?

I met some maintenance guys
today on the highway.

- They could probably help you out.
- Really?

Oh, yeah. I borrowed some cones
from them...

when I was sweeping
my car-pool lane.

- Yeah?
- It's Jenna.

If you guys wouldn't mind,
I would like to ward off dementia.

- You can hook me up with them?
- Yeah. Give me a ring tomorrow.

I'm gonna be
at emergency call box 784.

Seven-eight-four.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- How you feeling?
- Good.

My cold's gone. I've been
looking forward to kissing you...

which I'm ready to do now,
if you are ready.

Okay.

- What?
- Nothing, I just...

I bruised my lip.
I was drinking a Cel-Ray...

and I brought it up too fast
and I banged it into my lip.

And then I knocked your toothbrush
into the toilet.

And I wasn't able to tell you
before you could use it.

- What?
- I'm sorry.

- When were you gonna tell me this?
- Obviously never.

I need the "yield" sign.

Kramer, I'm kind of in the middle
of something.

Would you get these signs
out of here, please?

- You could have introduced me.
- I wouldn't know where to start.

Hey. Jenna. Hey.

There. Now something of yours
has been in the toilet.

What? Well, what did you
put in there?

Gotta run.

Oh, man.

Hello, Jenna?
Did you dunk the spatula?

Was it the spatula? Hello?

Damn it.

Didn't even give you a hint?

No, could be anything.
The whole apartment's a biohazard.

You know what I bet it is?
Your remote.

Yes, that is a definite possibility.

Or it could be your Walkman there.

- Are you just screwing with me?
- Yeah, I am.

- Hey.
- How's life on the road?

- I'm making a difference, Jerry.
- I don't doubt it.

You should see the smiles
on the drivers' faces.

I mean, you gotta look quick,
but they're there.

- This.
- What's this?

You know those annoying little bumps
on the lane lines?

Isn't that some kind of safety thing?

Well, I had to pull them up
if I'm gonna widen the lanes.

What the hell are you talking about?

Well, you know how in planes
they got first class?

More legroom, better ride?

Well, I'm bringing that concept
to mile 114.

How are you gonna
widen the lanes?

Well, you black out lane lines
one and three...

and a four-lane highway
becomes a two-lane comfort cruise.

So you got any black paint?

Yeah, in my tool shed,
next to the riding mower.

Yeah, I'd like an order
of supreme flounder, number 47.

Yeah, apartment 1 Q.

1 Q? Whose apartment is that?

That's the janitor closet...

across the street.

You're pretending to live in a janitor's
closet just to get this flounder?

It's better than eating it alone
in the restaurant like some loser.

That stuff is unbelievable.
I'd eat it out of a dumpster.

How do you know about it?
You're not in the delivery zone.

Newman uses his mail truck...

to run fish for China Panda
on the weekends.

Well, mine's coming in 10,
so I'll see you boys.

Now, where's that tool shed
of yours?

Hi. Sorry, I didn't hear you.
I was in the shower.

I'll see you.

- You Costanza?
- Yeah.

Thanks for coming by, fellas.

Yeah, got a set of keys
buried in the pothole.

- What are the keys doing in there?
- Just need to dig them up.

- You put them in there?
- No, no. It's a long story.

Just try to get it up.

- Bad place to put your keys.
- Yeah, I know that.

- Could you start working?
- Difficult job.

If you want those keys,
we're gonna have to dig this up.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

- Is this about money?
- Yeah, it's about money.

Excuse me,
what are you doing in there?

Nothing, I was just....

I wasn't in there.

You were hanging around in there,
lazing on the job...

when you should have been
downstairs in the basement...

cleaning out those old carpets
and scrap wood.

Right, because...

I'm the janitor.

- Don't get smart with me.
- Yes, ma'am.

If you're heading north
on the Arthur Berkhardt...

whoa, Nellie. For some reason...

four lanes are converging into two
instantaneously...

right at mile marker 114.

I don't know what that is, but
the A.B.E. 's a parking lot out there.

Somebody screwed up on that one.

- Oh, it's you.
- Is the flounder here yet?

No, it's not here yet.
You want the tour?

There's this.

Nice. French doors would
really open this place up.

Oh, but you have a slop bucket.

The fish.

- What are you doing here?
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Oh, I was...

I was waiting downstairs
for the jackhammer.

- I just thought I'd drop by.
- Kramer's guys?

Yeah. I got them down to 50 bucks.

I just have to do
all the jackhammering.

Oh, that's nice, kind of
a hard-labor fantasy camp.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, sweet setup.

Look, Elaine, do you have any
paint thinner? I need like 40 gallons.

- I'm plumb out.
- Oh, damn.

If I don't get that black paint off,
the city's gonna go ape.

I don't wanna lose my baby.

- Janitor.
- It's Mrs. Allister.

Yeah. Yes, coming, Mrs. Allister.
Okay, I've gotta get out.

Let's go. Let's go. Here. Can you...?
You gotta move from the door.

Hi.

I... What can I do for you?

I told you yesterday to haul that trash
out of the basement.

Yeah, I am so sorry.

Some of the children
have been playing near it...

and putting it in their mouth.

Well, a lot of it is vegetables.

You mop it.

Get that stuff out of there today,
or you'll be out of here, understand?

- Yes, ma'am.
- Stop pushing.

- Kramer spilled ammonia.
- I don't feel like eating.

I'm gonna borrow this, huh?

Janitors' meeting.

So, Jerry, why'd you call me?

Well, I thought it's about time
we put aside all this silliness.

I know now that you didn't put
anything in my toilet bowl.

- Did you?
- Yes, I did.

Well, whatever.
So how have you been?

- Good.
- Good.

Steak knife?

- It's just eating away at you, isn't it?
- No.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi. Jerry, can I borrow your car?

For what?

I have to haul some dirty garbage
to the dump.

Dirt? That's all right, because
there's nothing wrong with dirt.

Well, actually, it's pretty grimy.

Grime, grease, filth, funk, ooze,
whatever it is...

you take that stuff and put it
right on my leather upholstery.

Well, I don't know who you are,
but thanks for the car.

- Sure. Bye.
- Bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

There, you see?
I just lent her my car...

and she's gonna fill it
with all sorts of....

All right! You win.

That car was my last
germfree sanctuary.

I slept there last night.

Now, for the love of God, please,
what is it? What is it?

- Toilet brush.
- Toilet brush.

- All right. I can replace that.
- You wanna order dinner?

Yeah. Let's go to your place.

Because I threw out all my dishes.

That's true.
But I'll tell you this much:

I am never going to let some
silly hygienic mishap...

get in the way of what could be a
meaningful, long-lasting relationship.

Do you hear something?

I don't know what that could be.

Holy cow.

Anyway, I'm a new man...

and I'm looking towards the future.

Clean, dirty, whatever.

Holy cow.

Have a nice life.

Hey, look at this. Wide lanes.

This is so luxurious.

Yeah.

Bugger.

What the hell was that?

Double bugger.

Oh, the humanity!

Hey, buddy.
What are you doing out here?

Man, did you see that fireball?

Hey, I gotta skedaddle.
You want a lift?

Newman?

Newman!

All right, I'll meet you
at the coffee shop.