Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 8, Episode 15 - The Susie - full transcript

A co-worker of Elaine's thinks Elaine is called Susie, and Elaine doesn't bother to correct her, when she badmouths Elaine to "Susie." Elaine complains of this to Jerry, who commiserates with her. Later, Peggy gets "Susie" called in front of Peterman, who demands that Elaine be there also. Elaine finds a way to wriggle out of the situation so that neither realizes Susie doesn't exist. Meanwhile, Kramer puts 100 dollars on a basketball game in Jerry's name with Mike, the guy Jerry called a phony in "The Parking Space." When Kramer attends the game, he gets in a fight with the players, causing Jerry to win his bet. Mike doesn't have enough money to pay Jerry, however, so he tells him that he'll fix his trunk. As he's looking at it, Jerry doesn't notice him and closes the trunk on Mike's hands. Mike thinks this is a classic case of having his thumbs broken because he can't pay, so he promises he'll get the money. Later, as he's trying to fix it again, Mike falls into the trunk, which locks behind him. When Jerry and Elaine are driving around, Elaine is complaining about Susie, and Jerry says she should "eliminate" her. Mike hears them say this, and then hears them laughing, but he doesn't know they're laughing at someone's t-shirt. The next day, Peterman assigns Susie to a project that Elaine wanted, so she tells Peterman that Susie took her own life. Jerry goes with Elaine to Susie's wake, where they discover that, although Susie only existed for a few days, she has more friends than Elaine, because the room is packed. Peggy see Elaine and thinks she's Susie back from the dead. Elaine tells her that she is Elaine, and Peggy realizes she never met Susie. Elaine goes up to give the eulogy, but Peterman pushes her aside before she has to think of something to say. He then gives this long string of events which clearly never happened and Peterman invent, such as Susie and he sleeping together. Meanwhile, Mike manages to escape from the trunk and realizes he's at the wake of the girl he heard should be "eliminated." He runs in and tells everyone that Jerry killed her, and Jerry just laughs. The episode ends with Peterman making Elaine in charge of a foundation in Susie's honor, which she will spend every spare moment on. This parallel's George's own experience with Susan's death exactly, even down to the exaggerated yell of "SUUUUSIEEEE!" George is dating a sexy blonde, Allison, who has just bought a backless black dress for a ball, and he intends to have her spin her way in. George can't wait, because it'll be his first grand entrance. He's made a lot of grand exits, but for once, he wants to be known as soon as he walks into the room. There is one problem, however; Allison wants to break up with him. He starts not leaving his house and screening his calls because, "If she can't find me, she can't break up with me." He even goes so far as to call her at her house, even though he knows she's at work. However, Kramer breaks up with him for Allison, and decides to attend the ball with George, without George's knowledge. When George tells Kramer to leave, they start pulling on each other, which causes George to fall forward, ripping the back of Kramer's suit and sending him twirling into the room, just as Allison would have done. Everyone congratulates George on a grand entrance.

Hey, if I were a gigolo, how much
do you think I could charge a night?

- Here or in Japan?
- What's the difference?

Well, the Japanese
are more enlightened.

They can see beyond the physical.

Forget Japan.
How much would you pay?

Oh, I don't know. A dollar.

I think I'm worth at least 300.

I don't think so.

- Hey, that's for all night.
- I know.

- You're demeaning me.
- You're a gigolo.

Well, you hired me.
I'm the victim here.

Did I force you into this life?

Yes. You and every woman like you.

- Look how dark it's getting already.
- It's not daylight-savings time yet.

When does it start?

Don't know.
They tell you the night before.

Well, I'm sick of waiting.

I am springing ahead right now.

Oh, I'm sure
that won't cause any problems.

Oh, God, it's Mike Moffet.

Don't tell me you're still mad
at him for calling you a phony.

Jerry, that was five years ago.

I'm not a phony. I don't want
anything to do with this guy.

Mike! Mike.

Kramer, Jerry, how's it going?

Fine. And I'm not just saying that.

Guess what. I just started
my own business. I'm a bookie.

No openings in arson?

Either of you guys wanna place a bet,
I'm your guy.

No, no, no. No bets for me.
I got a disease.

I'm feeling a bit queasy myself. Maybe
I'll see you in another five years.

Jerry's still mad
about that phony thing?

Are you kidding?
It's all water near a bridge.

- Oh, what time do you got?
- Oh, yes.

- It's almost 6.
- Whoa, I'm really late.

These designs look great.

- Peggy, you really saved me.
- It was no problem.

- Mr. Peterman is gonna love them.
- Thanks, Susie.

You won't believe this,
but as I'm leaving, she calls me Susie.

I don't see you as a Susie.
Sharon, maybe.

What am I, a bulimic, chain-smoking
stenographer from Staten Island?

- Who are you describing?
- Someone I know.

- Named Sharon?
- I'd rather not say.


- What's in the bag?
- New tuxedo for the Pinstripe Ball.

Steinbrenner is throwing
a huge party at Tavern on the Green.

Kind of a Yankee prom?

It's not a prom. It's a ball.

- You taking Allison?
- Yes, of course I'm taking Allison.

This woman is genetically
engineered to go to a ball.

- Tall, blond, lithe.
- Live?

- Lithe.
- Live?

- Lithe.
- Oh, lithe.

- Well, you two will have a great time.
- It can't be worse than this.

Wait till you see the dress
that she's got. It's backless.

I'm finally gonna make
a great entrance.

Backless? You gonna back her in?

Elaine, when a woman makes
a ball entrance, she twirls.

- She's not gonna twi...
- She'll twirl.

That is what Mr. Steinbrenner wants.

He wants everyone to twirl around.

- All right.
- Great.

Hey, did you get your boss's
Knick ticket for Kramer?

- Yeah, here.
- Great.

- Say, George...
- Oh, courtside.

Is that the best you could do?

- George, we need to talk.
- What?

I really think we need to talk.

- She wants to talk?
- She doesn't want to.

- She needs to talk.
- Nobody needs to talk.

Who would want to?

- She tried to end it with me, Jerry.
- What did you do?

I told her I was out of soda. I went out
to get some, and I never went back.

- All night?
- Yeah, I slept at my parents' house.

- And she wants to break up with you.
- Can you believe it?

I'm supposed to be having lunch
with her now at Pomodoro.

Everybody breaks up at Pomodoros.

- So, what am I gonna do?
- You really like this girl.

No, I like the ball.

This is my one chance
to make a great entrance.

My whole life, I've never made
a great entrance.

You've made some fine exits.

So, what?
You can't keep avoiding her.

Why not?

If she can't find me,
she can't break up with me.

And if we're still going out,
she has to go to the ball.

Hey. Oh, listen, did you get
my ticket from Allison?

- Right here.
- All right.


Don't let this girl get away.

She'll have to find me first.

Oh, by the way, you owe Mike $100.

- What for?
- I bet for you on tonight's game.

Yeah, if the Knicks beat the Pacers
by more than 35, it pays 10-1.

That's some sweet action.

But I don't want any sweet action.

Well, I couldn't do it.
I got a gambling problem.

So you put down my money?

You don't have a problem.

Not with that, no.



Hi, Peggy.

Look, I should have
said this yesterday...

Did you get this memo
from Elaine Benes?

You know, it's amazing
Peterman hasn't fired that dolt.

She practically ran the company
into the ground.

Well, I thought
she did a pretty good job.

I heard she was a disaster, Suz.

Lookit. It's not Suz, all right?

It's Susie.

My name is Susie.

Believe it or not
George isn't at home

Please leave a message
At the beep

I must be out
Or I'd pick up the phone

Where could I be?

Believe it or not, I'm not home

Pick up.
I know you're screening for Allison.

- Hey.
- So coffee shop?

No, I can't. She knows I go there.
It's not secure.

Hey, I got another call coming in.
I gotta let the machine get it. Bye.

Believe it or not
George isn't at home

Please leave a message
At the beep

I must be out
Or I'd pick up the phone

Where could I be?

Believe it or not, I'm not home

George, are you there?

I hate that stupid message.

I know you're avoiding me.
I'm at the office.

Please call me.
I've gotta talk to you.

Hi, Allison.

Oh, I guess you're not at home.

I probably should have
tried you at the office.

Anyway, good to hear from you.

Really looking forward to the ball.

Can you believe this woman?

The nerve. Talking about you behind
your back, and right to your face.

No. Suz.

I mean, Susie,
Suzanne, Susanna. Fine.

But there is no way
I'm gonna be a Suz.

No. No Suz.

I mean, what am I? Some pom-pom
waving, back-seat bimbo?

- Who are you describing?
- Someone.

- Named Suz?
- No, still Sharon.

- Hey.
- Hey, I thought you went to the game.

No, I was kicked out for fighting
with one of the players.

- Wait. Wait. Wait. Who?
- Reggie Miller.

- Cheryl Miller's brother?
- Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey. Wait. Wait. Wait.
What happened?

Well, first of all, for some reason,
they started the game an hour late.

And, I don't know,
I was sitting next to Spike Lee.

He and Reggie were jawing
at each other. I got involved.

Wait. Wait. Wait.
What do you mean, "involved"?

Well, I ran out onto the court
and threw a hot dog at Reggie Miller.


Then they threw me and Reggie
and Spike out of the game.

So that's it?

Well, you know, I felt pretty bad
about everything.

Then the three of us
went to a strip club.

Can you believe that?

I didn't know Cheryl Miller's
little brother played basketball.

Knicks killed them, 110-73.

Well, without Reggie Miller,
it's a blowout.

No, Jerry, that's 37 points.

The Knicks covered. You won.

See, that's a cool G, daddy-o.
Now, you gotta let it ride.

- On what?
- Jerry, I don't wanna lose this feeling.

Let's go to the OTB,
put money on the ponies.

Yeah, all right.

- They just closed.
- Oh, too bad.

Mr. Peterman,
you wanted to see me?

Apparently Peggy down in Design...

got into a little bit of a tiff
yesterday with somebody named Susie.

- Susie.
- Yes.

And between you, me and
the lamppost, and the desk...

Peggy says this Suz
isn't much of a worker.

It's Susie.

Nevertheless, Elaine,
the house of Peterman is in disorder.

First thing tomorrow morning,
I wanna see you, Peggy and Susie...

right here in my office.

All of us?

Allison, hi.

Listen, I'm sorry about what happened
at the game last night.

Could I have that ticket tonight?

The Rockets are in town
and that Hakeem Olajuwon...

he's got a real attitude.

Kramer, have you seen
George around?

- I can't get ahold of him.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Well, he visits the guy across the hall
from me like every 10 minutes.

Believe it or not
George isn't at home

Hey, Jerry.

Hey, Mike.
How about those Knicks?

How about them?

- Look, Jerry, I can't pay you.
- Why not?

- Because I don't have the money.
- Mike, you say you're a bookie...

you take a bet
and then you can't pay.

I don't know, Mike, to me it sounds
a little, how you say, phony.

Just give me till Friday.
Please, please?

You know, you're supposed
to be the bookie.

- Act like one.
- I'm sorry.

Here, let me give you
a hand with that.

- There's something wrong this trunk.
- Oh, let me see.

So, Kramer,
why'd you ask me out to dinner?

And why Pomodoro?

How could you say that to me?

Allison spoke to me
and she wanted me to speak to you.

Now, we all know
that this relationship isn't working.

So Allison and I think that the best
thing to do is just make a clean break.

Can't we discuss this?

We just don't think you're ready
for a serious relationship.

I didn't even know
you wanted to get serious.

So, what am I in this for?

You know, I'm getting to a point in
my life where I need something more...

than just a good time.

- Are you?
- What, me?

No, no.

But she is.

I can't believe this is happening.

George, we're sorry.

We're through.

Kramer, please.

I'm sorry.

Mr. Peterman, Peggy.

I guess we should
just get this over with.

Just hold on a minute.

We're still one short.

No, we're not.

Susie has been very rude to me.

Well, Elaine has nothing
but good things to say about Susie.


We don't have to name names
or point fingers...

or name names.

Me and her have had our problems.
She and I have had our problems.

You and I and she and you.

Don't you drag me into this.

This is between you
and her and her.

Yes. And I am convinced
that if she were here with us today...

she would agree with me too.

- Who?
- Her.

- Where is she?
- This is part of the problem.

I thought I was part of this problem.

You're a huge part of the problem.

But I think that at its core...

this is a Susie-and-Elaine problem...

that requires
a Susie-and-Elaine solution.

And who better to do that than...

Elaine and Susie,
Susie and Elaine.

Well, now that we have
that cleared up...

why don't the three of us
have lunch?


Oh, I'm coming.

I gotta go.

She is the best.

What was your name again?

Mike's outside. He wants to talk.

Then why doesn't he just come in?

- Because he's scared, Jerry.
- Why is he scared?

Come on, Mike.

- Did you do this?
- Yeah, but...

- You broke his thumbs.
- It was an accident.

Is that what you call it
when somebody doesn't pay up?

I'll get the money. I got a hundred
in my pocket if you wanna reach in.

I don't want it that way.

Okay, how about Mike fixes your trunk,
we call it even, nobody has to get hurt.

- Fine.
- Thank you, Jerry. Thank you.

I won't forget this. I'm gonna
fix your trunk good. Real good.

See, that was nice, Jerry.

Oh, by the way, I broke your trunk.

It's just a car.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- It's funny running into you here.
- Yeah. Yeah.

It's funny.

You look good.

Do I? Thanks.

- You too.
- Oh, yeah.

It's getting kind of late.
I really have to be going.

- Yeah.
- So it's nice seeing you again.

Hey, you know,
maybe I'll call you sometime.

George, it's over. It's just...

It's over.

What do you think, Jerry?

I don't know,
I just see you guys together.

Stupid thumbs.

Somebody help. Help!

So Peterman bought it?

I can't believe
you got away with that.

Well, I'm very fortunate
to be surrounded by such stupidity.

Yeah, I know how you feel.


- You hear something?
- What?



Oh, the trunk's broken. It's rattling.

Jerry, I don't know how much longer
I can keep this up.

They're starting to give Susie
assignments now.

Well, there's only one thing to do.
Eliminate her.


Get rid of Susie.

Make her disappear.

- But I kind of like her.
- She's gone.

- Jerry.
- Gone.

The bumper sticker.

Oh, God, I'm in trouble.

Kramer, open up.
I know you're in there.


Come on. It's 5:00 in the morning.
What's the matter with you?

It's only 4.

I've been walking around all night.

I've been thinking about Allison
and me and you.

Come on, George.

Please, give me another chance.

I know I'm gonna regret this.

All right.

Thank you.

- I'm gonna make you both so happy.
- Okay. All right. I'll see you later.

Elaine, where's Susie?

I want her to head up our new
fingerless-glove division.

I thought I was in line
for that assignment.


All right, then, I was gonna wait
to tell you this...

but last night, Susie....

She took her own life.

- We're taking George back.
- What?

He's gonna make us very happy.

Look at this turnout.

Where did Susie find the time
to meet all these people?

My real funeral's
not gonna come close to this.

Oh, my God.


I'm not Susie. I'm Elaine.

- But I've been calling you Susie.
- Hadn't noticed. Excuse me.

I guess I never met Susie.


I actually had a little thing
with her for a while.

Her too.

What can you say
about a girl like Susie?


- Where's Allison?
- No, Allison, she didn't wanna come.

But you took me back.

Well, yeah, I did,
but she's a tough nut.

How do you like the tuxedo?

It's a rental,
but I've had it for 15 years.

- All right.
- Where are you going?

The ball, silly.

No, no, no.
You're not going in there.

George, I thought
you were gonna change.

For her, not for you.

Let's just try and have
a nice time for once.

We'll talk about this
when we get home.

All right, look. Wait. Wait. Kramer.
Wait a minute. You are not going in.

What an entrance.

- And who might this be?
- Oh, I'm with him. Yeah.

And also much like me,
Susie hated going to the market.

- Elaine, may I say a few words?
- Oh, God, yes, Mr. Peterman.

I don't think I'll ever
be able to forget Susie.

And most of all,
I will never forget that one night...

working late on the catalog...

just the two of us,
and we surrendered to temptation.

And it was pretty good.

Yeah, but he didn't sleep
with both of them.

But I never heard her cries for help...

and now Susie is gone.

Hold on!

Susie didn't commit suicide.

She was murdered...

by Jerry Seinfeld!

Not only that, I broke his thumbs.

Elaine, guess what.

I've decided to form a charitable
foundation in Susie's honor...

and as Susie's best friend,
I want you to be involved.

Mr. Peterman...

I'm Susie.

She's me.

I feel the same way.

And that's why this foundation
will meet around your schedule.

Nights, weekends,
every free moment you have.