Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 8, Episode 11 - The Little Jerry - full transcript

Kramer gets a pet rooster that he names after Jerry. Jerry bounces a check at the local liquor store but has difficulty paying it off. So much in fact, that his parents think that Jerry is strapped for cash. Marcelino, the owner of the liquor store, tells Jerry that there is money to be made in underground cockfighting rings. When Little Jerry wins his first fight, Marcelino wants to buy the bird, but Jerry and Kramer refuse to sell. Meanwhile, as part of his duties with the Foundation, George goes to a women's prison where they have just donated a generous sum of money. George dates one of the inmates and gets really turned on by the concept of "conjugal visit sex". When the prisoner escapes, George discovers something even better than conjugal visit sex - fugitive sex. Elaine dates a man who shaves his head, but when she convinces him to grow his hair in, he discovers that he's going bald and looks exactly like George.

So, what happened yesterday?
We were supposed to go the auto show,

- I waited for you. You never came.
- Oh, I'm sorry. I got really busy.

- How long did you wait?
- Five minutes.

- Five minutes? That's it?
- No difference. You never showed up.

Well, I could have.

I mean, last week we waited for that
friend of Kramer's for like 40 minutes.

We barely knew the guy.

The longer you know someone,
the shorter you wait for them?

- That's the way it works.
- When did you tell George to be here?

Told him to meet in 10 minutes.
How long has it been?

- About five.
- That's enough.


Early. All right.


So I noticed you bounced
a check at the bodega.

- How did you know about that?
- Marcelino.

He taped it up on his cash register
with all of the other bad checks.

He can't do that.

It's the only way you'll learn.

Oh, these eggs are disgusting.

Boy, this chicken should be
ashamed of himself.

- Fantastic thing, fantastic.
- What happened?

Well, first, I'm brushing my teeth
and this piece of apple skin...

that must have been lodged
in there for days... comes loose.

- Fantastic.
- Then I'm at the foundation...

- You're still doing that?
- Once in a while.

When you feel guilty.

No, occasionally I forget
to let the machine pick up.

Anyway, they made this large donation
to a woman's prison...

and I get to go down there
and check it out.

- That's caged heat.
- Yeah.

- What are you doing there?
- Nothing.

Just, you know,
stroll around the cellblocks...

maybe take in a shower fight.

You got a bounced check
hanging up in the market...

- over on Columbus.
- Yes, I know. I know.

I noticed you chose
the clowns-with-balloon check design.

It was a mistake.
The bank sent me the wrong ones.

Hey, look who's here.

Hey, Kurt, this is Jerry
and George and Kramer.

- Hey.
- Hey, Kurt, taste these eggs.

No, I only eat cage-free, farm-fresh.

Yes. These are sweatshop eggs.

I gotta call the office, honey.
Will you order for me?

I'm a honey.

He's pretty great, huh?

Is he from the future?

No, he just shaves his head.
I think it's pretty gutsy.

Listen, sweetheart, let me tell you
a little something about guts.

This is guts.

What? Clinging to some scraps?

These are not scraps.

These are historic remains
of a once-great society of hair.

Did you guys stop
at the bodega today?

Some moron bounced
a clown check.

Again, I'm really sorry
about the check, Marcelino.

People seem to like the clowns.

Look, let me just give you the 40,
plus another 20 for your trouble.


- Are you gonna take the check down?
- Sorry, no. Store policy.

- But it's your bodega.
- Even I am not above the policy.

- And those are our tennis courts.
- Tennis courts?

What about the yard?
Where do they have the gang fights?

There's no fights here, Mr. Costanza.
This is a minimum-security facility.

What about a hole?

- Do you ever put anybody in the box?
- No.

This prison stinks.

And finally the library,
which has just been refurbished...

thanks to your generous donation.

- This is Celia Morgan, our librarian.
- Nice to meet you.

- I'll be in my office if you need me.
- Thanks, warden.



So are you the head
of the foundation?

Well, let's just say
it wouldn't exist without me.

So you two shop at the same store?

No, it's standard issue.

Oh, my God. You're in jail?

That is so cool.

You asked her out?

Well, not out. She's a prisoner.

- How could you ask her out?
- Why not?

You wouldn't date
that girl from Queens...

because you didn't want
to go over the bridge.

- It was different.
- I'll say.

Jerry, I like being with her.

Plus, I know where she is
all the time.

I have relatively no competition.

And you know
how you fear the pop-in?

- The pop-in.
- No pop-in...

no, "In the neighborhood."
No, "I saw your light was on."

And the best part is,
if things go really well....

- Conjugal visit?
- Don't jinx it. Don't.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- What's up?
- George is dating a convict.

- What's she in for?
- Embezzlement.

Sounds like a nice girl.

Is it all right if I put some stuff
in your fridge? Mine's full.

Yeah, sure.

- You don't even have a fridge, do you?
- Well, not here.

- Okay.
- Kramer....

Wait a minute. Wait.
What the hell is that?

Well, it's chicken feed.

I sense something is afoot.

Yeah, I bought a chicken.

Allow me.


Cage-free, farm-fresh eggs.

Allow me.

- What are you? An idiot?
- No.

Hold it. Hold it.
Here. I got it. Catch.

Hey, driver's license.

Oh, my God.

- What?
- Your hair.

It's so thick and lustrous.

I mean, it was.

Well, it still is.

I shaved my head
for my swim team.

I just liked the way it looked,
so I kept it.

Are you saying
that I could be dating this hair?

I mean, with you under it?


Is that your chicken
making all that noise?

Oh, Jerry loves the morning.

- Who?
- Little Jerry Seinfeld.

- I named my chicken after you.
- Thanks.

That's very sweet.
But that's not a chicken.

Of course it is.
I picked it out myself.

Well, you picked out a rooster.

Well, that would explain
Little Jerry's poor egg production.

- This was fun.
- Yeah, I had a great time.

Five minutes, Mr. Costanza.

The whole hour just flew by.

- I'll get that.
- Thanks, Bobby.

Well, I guess
I'll see you in four days.

Yeah. Go out
and have a ball with the guys.

I'll be waiting right here for you.

Of course you will.

You're the best.

- Hello.
- Jerry...

Leo told us
he saw your bounced check.

- Are you having money problems?
- I'm not having money problems.

Enough with the comedy.
You're very clever.

You should look into advertising.

He never even called Ed Roydlick.
They were looking for someone.

I'm not calling Ed Roydlick.
I'm doing fine.

That's it. I'm gonna send you $50.

You are not sending me $50.

We're sending you $50.
Morty, get me an envelope.

I swear to God, if you send me $50,
you are gonna be so sorry.

- I don't see envelopes.
- They're right in front of you.

Oh, for heaven's sakes.
Let me show you.

Ma, Ma, Ma!

- How are the folks?
- Good.

- So movie tonight?
- I thought you were going with Celia.

I did. I'm back.

I love this relationship.
I feel so liberated.

Having her in jail?

Yeah, the only thing that bothers me
is I'm just coming up with this now.

Yeah, dating a convicted felon.
I don't know how you missed it.

Here. Take a look at that.

Kurt's an organ donor.

No, he's not bald.

Look, he's got a full head of hair.

So he just shaves his head
for no reason?

That's like using a wheelchair
for the fun of it.

And he's growing it in just for me.

It's mine. It's all mine.

- It's just hair.
- No, it's not just hair. Look.

- It's brown.
- It's chestnut with auburn highlights.

- So?
- You know, you're not around women.

You don't know how important
a man's hair is.

I'm sorry, George, but it's true.

I knew it.


- Hey, Kramer, nice rooster.
- Yeah.

- What's his name?
- Well, this is Little Jerry Seinfeld.

Little Jerry Seinfeld.
Does he bounce checks?

Look, can't you take
Jerry's check down?

Sorry, Kramer, can't help you.

Hey, hey, Jerry. Come on.

Oh, sorry.

- I like the way he handles himself.
- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, it's coming in already.
- Yeah.

Wow, you have some
very nice little seedlings here.

- What?
- Well, it doesn't seem...

to be coming in
so good over here or here.

- What do you mean?
- Well, I don't know.

How long have you been shaving
your head for?

About three years.

Oh, my God.

I'm going bald.

George, I'm so glad to see you.

Hey, I brought you some cigarettes.

You buy yourself something nice.

Good news. I'm up for parole.

Parole? That's dynamite.

Marcelino's taking down the check?

Yeah, well, it comes down if Little
Jerry Seinfeld wins the cockfight.



Well, Marcelino, he has cockfights
in the back of his store.

Yeah, so he says
if Little Jerry Seinfeld wins...

the check comes down.

Kramer, cockfighting is illegal.

Only in the United States.

- It's inhumane.
- No, Jerry, it's not what you think it is.

It's two roosters pecking
at each other.

- What?
- Yeah.

Well, I thought
they wore gloves and helmets.

You know,
like American Gladiators.

No, Kramer,
Little Jerry could get hurt.

Well, I left him with Marcelino.

My Little Jerry.

Hey, did you get Little Jerry?
Is he okay?

Oh, well, he's more than okay.
He won.

- You let him fight?
- I couldn't get there in time to stop it.

But you should've seen
Little Jerry, Jerry.

Flapping his wings
and strutting his stuff.

He was pecking and weaving
and bobbing and talking trash.

He didn't even have to touch him.
The other rooster ran out of the ring.

The whole fight lasted two seconds.

- How long do they usually last?
- Five seconds.

Marcelino says he's taking
your check down today.

- Great.
- Hey.

- Celia is up for parole.
- Hey, Little Jerry won his cockfight.

- What?
- Who?

I'm too tired.

Listen. I want you to come by later.
All right?

- We're having a victory party.
- Okay.

It's over, Jerry. She's getting out.

I'm so sorry.

She's been locked up for two years.

She's gonna want to make up
for lost time.

Dinners, movies, talking.

In other words,
a normal relationship.

That's no good.

I've tried it straight, Jerry.
We've all seen the results.

I think for me...

sick is the only way to go.

Well, she'll still be an ex-con.

It's not the same.

Hey, if you two
were meant to be together...

I'm sure the cops
will pick her up on something.


What's with the sweats?
Aren't we going out?

I don't care.

You got a big stain on your shirt.

Oh, yeah, a meatball
fell out of my sandwich.

You already ate?

It's from yesterday.

Jerry, you missed a hell
of a cockfight last night.

Then what is my check still doing up?
We had a deal.

- Now we have a new deal.
- New deal?

When Little Jerry Seinfeld is mine,
the check will be yours.

This is outrageous.

Pack of Juicy Fruit.

- Eighty-five cents.
- Eighty-five cents?

That is outrageous.

Kramer, Marcelino wants us
to sell him Little Jerry Seinfeld.

Well, that's out of the question.

But cockfighting is
an illegal and immoral activity.

Yeah, if you've got a loser.
But Little Jerry was born to cockfight.

No, no more cockfighting.

Let's just sell him to Marcelino
and be done with it.

- I think you're jealous.
- Of what?

Yeah, you see in Little Jerry Seinfeld
the unlimited future you once had.

Now, just because
Jerry Seinfeld is a has-been...

don't make
Little Jerry Seinfeld a never-was.

- Kramer, give me that rooster.
- No more! You hate him...

because he's doing more
with your name than you ever will!

George, Celia has listed you
as a character reference.

Whatever you can tell us would be
helpful in her getting parole.

Well, anything I could do to help.

She's a wonderful girl.
Very smart, very crafty.

Does she have any plans
after she's released?

Plans. Schemes.

She keeps talking about getting
back together with her old friends.

You know, "the gang,"
she likes to call them.

Yeah, they're hatching something.
You can count on that.

Jerry, tomorrow night is fight night.
Where's my rooster?

- Kramer won't sell.
- Tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm gonna take down
your check anyway.

Well, thank you, Marcelino.

Well, perhaps some day
you will do me a favor.

And that day is today.

Little Jerry Seinfeld must go down...

in the third round
of tomorrow's main event.

- You want Little Jerry to take a dive?
- Not so loud.

First of all, I don't think
you can make a rooster take a dive.

- Can too.
- Second of all...

Jerry Seinfeld, big or little...

doesn't go down for anyone,
anywhere, at any time.

Now, I'd appreciate it
if you'd please leave.

Big Jerry is making
a big mistake, Jerry.

We'll see about that.

Kramer, I'm coming up.
We got a cockfight to win.


Elaine said you would be
the best person I could talk to.

Yeah, classic horseshoe pattern.

- I've seen a lot of this.
- Oh, God.

No, no, Kurt, wrong attitude.

- You should be happy.
- Happy? Why should I be happy?

You've still got
pretty good coverage.

Once the enemy advances
beyond this perimeter...

then you won't be Kurt anymore.

What will I be?

- How long do I have?
- Fourteen months, maybe 10.

- Is there anything I can do?
- Yes...

Iive, damn it.

Live every precious moment as
if this was the last year of your life...

because in many ways...

it is.

Excuse me.

Celia, what are you doing here?

Well, I didn't get my parole,
so I busted out.

And you just decided to pop in?

- Kurt.
- Elaine, will you marry me?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

- Boy, he's looking good, huh, Jerry?
- Yeah.

All right.
I think that's enough for today.

Little Jerry is a lean, mean,
pecking machine.

- What are you doing with that?
- I'm just going to heat this up.

Make a little hot tub for Little Jerry.

Hey, Kramer...

- be careful.
- Yeah.

- Hey.
- Hey, guess what.

Little Jerry ran from here
to Newman's in under 30 seconds.

- Is that good?
- I don't know.

- Where have you been?
- Celia broke out of prison.

I'm sitting at home,
she shows up at the door.

- Oh, my God, the break out pop-in.
- Yeah.

And, Jerry, listen to this.

I've discovered something better
than conjugal-visit sex.

Fugitive sex.

- It's like every time...
- George.

This is a little too much for me.
Escape convicts, fugitive sex....

I got a cockfight to focus on.

Hey, hey, Kurt, slow down.

I can't just marry you.

I mean, I need some fianc?e time.

I need some
make-my-girlfriends-jealous time.

Plus, you want to get to know me.

Yeah, yeah, that too.

- Well, how much time?
- I don't know. A year?

No, no, no, it has to be now.

Could I see the ring again?

So you're actually considering it?

Well, it will be a couple of years
before he's completely bald.

Those will be good times.

Marriage is a big step, Elaine.
Your life will totally change.

Jerry, it's 3:30 in the morning.
I'm at a cockfight.

What am I clinging to?


- Sorry I'm late.
- Where's Celia?

She didn't want to come.
She's not really into sports.

- Hey, how's he doing?
- Well, he's got a big sweat going.

Oh, this came for you Express Mail.
It's from your parents.

- Hi.
- Hi.

"Fifty dollars."
I don't believe this.

There's Marcelino.

Look at the size of his bird.

That looks like a dog
with a glove on his head.

Hi, is George back
from the cockfight yet?

I've got to thank him.
He changed my life.

No. Must've been a good fight.
Not back.


Sorry to bother you, Mr. Costanza.

Well, well, well, look who's here.

Oh, man.

Mr. Costanza, you're under arrest...

for aiding and abetting
a known fugitive.

- I'm not George Costanza.
- Save it.

We know you're bald.
We know it's you. Let's go.

Okay. I got the whole scoop.

Marcelino flew the bird in
from Ecuador.

- He's 68-0.
- He's a ringer.

Where's the tamale guy?

Little Jerry's gonna get
his clock cleaned.

I've got to get him out of there.

Little Jerry!


Stop the fight!


Why? Why'd you get into
a fistfight with the cop?

- You were innocent.
- They thought I was George.

I'm not that bald.

And I have too little time left
to take that crap, so I slugged him.

How long are you
gonna be in here for?

Well, my lawyer says 14 months,
but with good behavior maybe 10.

- So 10 to 14 months?
- Yeah.