Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 7, Episode 5 - The Hot Tub - full transcript

Wilhelm thinks George is cracking under the pressure of working in the big leagues. So he has George entertain a group of visiting baseball officials from the Houston Astros, who are in New...

I always feel bad for the
silver-medal winner in the Olympics.

I mean, how do you live with
that for the rest fo your life?

People keep asking you:
"How much did you lose by?"

I don't even know.

It was like from now to now.
Now to now. Now, now, now."

It was... and that was it, I lost.

I trained, I worked out, I exercised.

I was doing pushups, sit-ups.

I never did anything but exercise
for 20 years.

I flew halfway around the world....

And that was that.
It was a photo finish.

Silver, gold.

"lf I had a pimple, I would have won."

Can't believe you write
for the J. Peterman catalogue.

Get this one,
"l packed my rod and reel.

Thirty hours later, lost in the fjord...

a welcoming smile.

Thank God she spotted the epaulets
on my Norwegian ice-fishing vest."

This catalogue is all about
how to score in a foreign country.

- Yeah, what do you do all day?
- Not that much.

I thought that new promotion
was supposed to be more work?

When the season starts.

Right now, I sit around
pretending I'm busy.

- How do you pull that off?
- I always look annoyed.

When you look annoyed all the time,
people think that you're busy.

Think about it.

Yeah, you do.

- He looks busy.
- He looks very busy.

I know what I'm doing.

In fact, Mr. Wilhelm gave me
one of those little stress dolls.

All right. Back to work.

So did you come up
with a stupid story...

for the Himalayan
walking shoe yet?

No, I'm completely blocked.

In fact, I'm gonna work on it tonight.

Oh, no.

I can't. I got that marathon runner
coming in tonight.

What marathon runner?

You know, this guy, Jean-Paul...?

I met him when I was
working at Pendant...

editing a book on running.

- Oh, wait Jean-Paul Jean-Paul.
- Yes.

He overslept at the Olympics
four years ago...

missed the marathon.

Yeah, that's him.

He's from Trinidad and Tobago,

Yeah, he's
Trinidadian and Tobagan.

How do you oversleep
at the Olympics?

I know. I know.

It's like the biggest event
of your life.

You'd think you'd have
six alarm clocks...

paying off little kids
to come banging on your door.

Well, he was pretty devastated.

This is his first race in three years.

That's a big responsibility
on your hands.

What responsibility?
I don't have any responsibility.

Well, you gotta wake him up.

He'll get up.

- Hi, Judy.
- Hi, Elaine, how are you?


- I've seen her in your building.
- Yeah.

- I didn't know she was married.
- She's not.

And the guy just took off.

- Don't say anything.
- Who am I gonna tell?

I know, it's just something
you have to say.

George, we just got
the final budget numbers.

We went over budget
on some of the items...

but I don't think
there's gonna be a problem.

I'll let you get back to work,

He overslept
and missed the whole race.

- Isn't that amazing?
- I'll tell you what happened.

I bet he got
the AM-PM mixed up.

My money's on the snooze.

I bet he hit the snooze for an extra five,
and it never came back on.

Imagine, your whole life riding
on an alarm clock.

Alarm clocks? No, I never use them.
Don't trust them.

- What do you do?
- I have a mental alarm.

I set my head
for quarter to 7...

and... I get up.

- It always works?
- It never fails.

See, it's based on your body clock.

Your body has an internal mechanism.
It knows what time it is.

- What's with the bucket?
- Lomez, he sold me his hot tub.

- Hot tub?
- Yeah, it's in my living room.

I just gotta fill it.

You put a hot tub
in your living room?

It's a beauty. It's got these
high-volume accusage jets...

oscillating and pulsating,
soothing your every aching muscle.

That water's gonna get
over 120 degrees.

- Is that tolerable?
- Oh, it's tolerable.

Isn't that the same temperature
of the coffee that scalded you?

I think it's a little cooler than that.

He doesn't have any running water?

I don't ask those kind
of questions anymore.

Jerry, this is Jean-Paul.

- Hi, Jean-Paul, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

- Sorry about the Olympics.
- Me too.

Listen, I'm gonna go call work,
see if I can get my deadline extended.

I can't come up
with anything for this thing.

Catalogue-writer's block?

Yeah, that's funny.

So, what happened?

The snooze alarm, wasn't it?

No, man, it wasn't the snooze.

Most people think it was the snooze,
but no, no snooze.

- AM-PM?
- Man, it wasn't the AM-PM.

It was the volume.

- Oh, the volume.
- Yes, the volume.

There was a separate knob
for the radio alarm.

- Oh, separate knob.
- Yeah, separate knob.

Why separate knob!
Why separate knob!

Some people like to have the alarm
a little louder than the radio.

Oh, please, man, please!

It's not gonna happen again.
Not if I have anything to say about it.

Elaine, what's the alarm clock
situation at your house?

- Jerry....
- It's a simple question.

I've got an alarm, okay?

That old one? Didn't I miss a flight
to Cleveland because of that clock?

- Flight to Cleveland?
- It works.

- Elaine.
- It works.

"Singing duo, Captain and...."?


Come on.


I think you may be
taking work too seriously.

Well, I've got a lot to do.

George, I'll tell you
what I'd like you to do.

I'd like you to drop everything.
I have this fun little assignment.

There are some reps in
from the Houston Astros...

for talks on
that lnterleague Play...

and I want you
to show them a good time.

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

You're 40 minutes late.

- What happened?
- I got held up.

- Do you mind if I heat this muffin up?
- No.

What? What is the problem?

You said you were gonna be here
a certain time...

and you weren't.

And this all means what?

It means that a man
has come from very far away...

to compete in
a very difficult race...

put his faith in you,
and I'm a little concerned.

- Oh, are you?
- Yes, I am.

Hey, I'm not running
in the marathon, he is.

- Yeah, I know that.
- Yeah.

I've got enough to think about
trying to come up with...

some crap for that
Himalayan walking shoe.

I've given him a place to stay,
I'll set an alarm...

but I'm not gonna turn my life
completely upside down.

I'm not talking about upside down,
I'm talking about waking him up.

Hey, Jean-Paul.

Jean-Paul, how was your soak?
A good soak?

Oh, man, very good soak.
The soak of the year.

What's burning?

My muffin.


- What happened?
- I don't know.

I set this thing for 20 seconds.

This was for two minutes, see?

Don't say anything.

Don't say anything.

You mis-set the timer?

Jean-Paul, it's not
my microwave, okay? Okay?

All right, listen, let's just go.
Come on, Jean-Paul.

- Let's go.
- Okay.

- We'll see you at the race, okay?
- Yeah, I hope so.

Oh, that's cute.

Kramer, I'm telling you,
Elaine doesn't know what she's doing.

I gotta take over
this whole operation.

Jerry, look how tense you are.

You need to take a soak.

I'm not taking a soak...

in that human bacteria frappe
you got going there.

I'm telling you, it's great.
I opened up all the windows.

The air is cold,
the tub is boiling hot.

It's like Sweden, man.


Oh, yeah.

Till this bastard over here says;

"Let's call the sons of bitches,
go visit them in New York."

Well, we're certainly glad
that you could make it.

I like your organization, George.

We've been talking to a friendly
son of bitch in the front office.

- Wilhelm, I think his name is.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, Mr. Wilhelm.

He told us George Costanza's gonna
be taking us bastards out on the town.

We said, "That son of a bitch doesn't
know what he's got in store for him."

- Finish your drink?
- Oh, yeah, almost. Almost.

Let's get that bastard
to bring us another round, huh?

You a big drinker, George?

Well, maybe not
as much as this bastard.

I can hold my own.

Jean-Paul, I asked you down here
because I am concerned.

Concerned that tomorrow is perhaps
the biggest race of your entire career...

and the person with whom
you have chosen to stay is....

- What are you saying?
- I'm saying, get the hell out of there!

Let me put you in a hotel.
You'll be comfortable.

You'll be near the starting line,
and most importantly...

you'll have a wake-up call,

- A wake-up call.
- Wake-up call?

These people never fail.

They sit in a room
with a big clock all night long...

just waiting to make that call.

No, I will stay with Elaine,
it would be rude.

Hey, you bastards.

Hey, so how was the meeting?

I really like those sons of bitches.

- Sons of bitches?
- Yeah. That's how they talk.

You know, everyone's a bastard
or a son of a bitch.

Yeah, it's like, "Boy, that son of a bitch
Boggs can really hit."

- Really?
- Yeah.

That's how they talk
in the major league.

Oh, boy.


- How many sweaters you got on?
- Four.

Could I have a cup of tea,
boiling hot?

What's going on?

I fell asleep in the hot tub,
and the heat pump broke.

Water went down to 58 degrees.

I can't get
my core temperature back up.

Your core temperature?

Here, feel my hand. Yeah, feel.

This son of a bitch is ice cold.

- Hello?
- Is that you, George?

Yeah, it's me. Is this Clayton?

Well, listen, you son of a bitch,
you know where we are?

Thirty thousand feet
above your head, you bastard.

What are they doing
letting you on an airplane?

Don't they know
that's against FAA regulation?

Hush up now. I can't hear.

Listen, I want you to send those
agreements the minute you land.

Our boys can't wait
to kick your butts.

When's that bastard
coming to Houston?

Zeke wants to know when you
bastards are coming to Houston?

Hey, you tell that son of a bitch
no Yankee is ever coming to Houston.

Not as long as you bastards
are running things.

Speak up, George, I can't hear you.

You tell that son of a bitch...

no Yankee
is ever coming to Houston.

Not as long as you bastards
are running things.

- George! Get ahold of yourself.
- Mr. Wilhelm.

What's the matter with you?

It was a cold winter's night
in Timbuktu.

This stinks.

Come on. Come on.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- I'm a friend of Elaine's.
- Oh, hi.

Oh, look at that cute little bastard.

You are mommy's little bastard,
aren't you?

What are you doing
harassing my tenants?

Oh, come on, you son of a bitch,
I'm just trying to be friendly.

All right, that's it. Let's go.

Man, I got a race tomorrow.

- It's like a furnace in here.
- What the hell is going on?

I turned up the heat.

Turn up the heat
in your own apartment.

I'm freezing.

I just need
to get my hot tub running.

I'm waiting for my new heat pump.

Well, what's in this giant box
out in the hall?

- Oh, that must be it.
- It's huge.

Yeah, I got the biggest one they had.
Yeah, it's industrial strength.

Sixteen thousand BTU's.


Yeah, I can be there
in 10 minutes.

You can count on me.

- What?
- I got the call.

- Jean-Paul?
- Jean-Paul.

Very lucky to find this hotel,

Man, I just want to get some sleep.

All right.
Let's check out the clock.

Notch good.


Volume check.

What kind of music
you wanna wake up to?

- Top 40, Classical?
- Man, whatever.

- How about adult contemporary?
- Fine, adult contemporary.

- Just pick one.
- All right.

We're going with adult contempo.

Now the fail-safe.

The wake-up guy.

Yes, yes, the wake-up guy.

- Front desk.
- Yes, this is room 419.

I'd like a wake-up call
for 6:50 AM tomorrow morning.

Yes, sir.

That's room 419, 6:50 AM.


Yes, I got it, sir.
You only had to say it once.

But it's a very important wake-up call,
and I don't wanna take any chances.

Every wake-up call I make
is important.

You're no more important
than any of our guests.

Well, I don't want to get into
a thing with you here, but...

- Are you through?
- Yeah, I am, but I just...

What is it?

I think I offended the wake-up guy.

- No, no.
- No, no, I did.

- I think he's got it in for me.
- He doesn't have it in for you.

- What if he doesn't call out of spite?
- It is his job.

I'm not comfortable.

For God's sake.


Hey, Jean-Paul?



Oh, man.

- Oh, machine.
- I'm not here. Leave a message.

Jerry, Jerry, Jean-Paul is missing.
He's alone in the city. Call me back.

- Judy, hi, listen...
- You have got some nerve, Elaine.

I told you about that baby
in confidence.

Oh, I didn't tell anyone.

Well, your friend certainly seemed
to know all about it.


I feel much better here
at my home base, Jean-Paul.

It's a controlled environment.

It's a marathon, you know?
Twenty-six miles.

I need to get some sleep.

Hey, believe me, if I had been
with you there in Barcelona...

you'd be polishing that medal
right now.

I left a comfortable hotel bed for this.

That wake-up guy was trouble.

All right, I'll be right back.

Man, that thing is noisy.

We're cranking along pretty good.
We're almost up to 80 degrees.

Listen, do me a favour, set your mental
alarm for 6:30 and give me a call.



He's put his faith in you.
He's put his faith in you.

I trust Elaine, she is my friend.

I trust Elaine, she is my friend.

Frankly, I'm a little concerned.

I'm exhausted.

I've been on this street
1000 times.

It's never looked so strange.

The faces, so cold.

In the distance, a child is crying.


A bastard child, perhaps.

My back aches.

My heart aches, but my feet....

My feet are resilient.

Thank God I took off my heels
and put on my...

Himalayan walking shoes!


8:47? Jean-Paul!
Wake up, wake up!

Jean-Paul, the electricity went out!
Wake up, wake up, we've gotta go!

- It's 8:47!
- 8:47?

Come on. Just put your clothes on.
You'll get dressed in the car.

Idiot, I trusted you!

Kramer, what happened?
The electricity went out.

Yeah, the heat pump
blew all the fuses.

What happened to your mental alarm?

Well, I guess I hit the snooze.

Make way. Watch out.
I've got a runner here.

Get out of the way.

Make way, make way.
Make way, he's a contender.

- Hey, hold it.
- I'm late, man. I'm in the race.

- Go ahead.
- Thank you, Jerry.

You're a wonderful driver.
Fantastic route, man.

All right, go.
It's a race. Come on.

- You wanted to see me?
- Yes, George, come in, come in.

Word has it you've been
cracking under the pressure.

Can't cope, can't stand the heat.
Spit the bit.

Mr. Steinbrenner, I can explain...

We all get a little cuckoo.
I used to be like you.

Berating personnel, calling managers
on the field during a game.

Threatening to move the team
to New Jersey to upset people.

Then I found a way to relax.

I've got two words
to say to you, George.

Hot tub.

I'm telling you, I never told
anyone about that baby.

I never even went near your building.

- Then how did she find out, Jerry?
- You should check with the rabbi.

- You want some hot tea?
- Oh, no, thank you.

Oh, there's some runners.
Here they come.

There's Jean-Paul.
He's out front.

- He's leading! Go, Jean-Paul!
- Yeah!

Come on!

- One mile to go, Jean-Paul.
- Go, Jean-Paul!

How are you enjoying it, George?
Melts that tension away, doesn't it?

You gotta get that jet
on the good spot.

Yes, that feels good.
Yes, that's real good.

Yeah, that's where I keep
all my tension.

Right under that chicken bone.

I get my wife to stick her thumb
right in there like a screwdriver.

The Phillips head, not the flat one.

Oh, God, those flat ones
frustrate me.

You got it in, but it slips out.
Put it in again, it slips out again.

- You a single man, George?
- Well, I just recently...

You wanna get something wild
going on in your life...

get a girl and
bring her in one of these.

It's like four shots of Wild Turkey.

She'll think you're Hopalong Cassidy.

Terrible about that Mickey Mantle,
wasn't it?

You know, we used to talk.
I don't think he liked me very much.