Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 7, Episode 4 - The Wink - full transcript

Jerry squirts grapefruit into George's eye at breakfast, and for the rest of the day George is misinterpreted because everyone thinks he is winking at them.

See every morning, when you wake up,
it's like you're born all over again.

You ever have that feeling?
Becuase You can't see, you can't talk.

You're on your way to the bathroom
trying to remember, "How do I walk?"

Like you've never
been alive before.

But if any invention marks
the decline of human civilization...

it would have to be
the snooze alarm.

The snooze alarm
is based on the idea...

that when the alarm goes off,
you are not getting up.

You're not even awake,
you're already a failure.

They should sell the snooze alarm
with an unemployment application...

and a bottle of tequila.

Just make it a complete
pathetic-loser kit.

- Hello.
- This is your wake-up service.

It's 7:15.

Oh, God.

Oh, I could use
a few more hours sleep.

- Hot date last night?
- I wish.

A woman with a sexy voice
like yours...

it's hard to believe
you're waking up alone.


Thank you...

Tri-State Wake-Up Service

- Call me James.
- Oh, all right, James.

The wake-up guy asked you out?

Yeah, I've never seen him...

but I feel like we have
this weirdly intimate relationship.

You know, I mean, I'm lying in bed.

I'm wearing my nightie.

I don't know. A blind date?

You wanna go out with
my cousin Holly. You've never met her.

Yeah, but I've seen pictures of her.

At least I've spoken to my guy.

You're going out on a deaf date.

I think I'd rather go on a deaf date
than a blind date.

The question is, would you rather
date the blind or the deaf?

- Now, you're off on a topic.
- That's interesting.

See, now, I think
I would rather date the deaf.

Because I think the blind...

would probably be
a little messy around the house.

I mean, let's face it,
they're not gonna get all the crumbs.

You're constantly
walking around with a sponge.

See, I disagree.
I would rather date the blind.

You know, you could let the house go,
you let yourself go.

A good-looking blind woman...

doesn't know
you're not good enough for her.

I think she'd figure it out
soon enough.


What is this?

Veggie sandwich and a grapefruit.

Veggie sandwich and a grapefruit?
What are you turning into?

A healthy person.

- You squirted me.
- Oh, sorry.

Boy, that stings.

George, have you seen Morgan?

- No.
- He's been coming in later and later.

- Is there something wrong?
- No, not that I know of.


Well, make sure he signs this.

George, if there's a problem
with Morgan, you can tell me.

Morgan? No, he's doing a great job.

I understand.

I still can't believe
you're going out on a blind date.

I'm not worried.
He sounds like he's good-looking.

You're going by sound?
What are we, whales?

I think I can tell.

What percentage of people
are good-looking?

- Twenty-five percent.
- Twenty-five percent?

No way. It's like 4 to 6 percent.

It's a 20-1 shot.

- You're way off.
- Way off?

You been to the Motor Vehicle Bureau?
It's a leper colony down there.

So basically, what you're saying...

is 95 percent of the population
is undateable?


Then how are all these people
getting together?


What is your problem?

No problem here.

You keep winking at me.
That's really obnoxious.

- I had no idea.
- Right there. You just did it again.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

It's from that grapefruit
Jerry squirted at me.

Oh, your eye still hurts?

Yeah, yeah, you must have squirted
a piece of pulp in it too.

Pulp couldn't make it
across the table.

Pulp can move, baby.

Why can't you eat a real breakfast?

I eat healthy. If I have to take out
an eye, that's the breaks.

Wait a minute. I must have
been winking down at the office.

That's why Mr. Wilhelm
was acting so misterioso.

What did he think,
you were flirting with him?

No, he thought I was hiding
something about Morgan.

- Hey, guys.
- Hi, Jughead.

Hello, Archie, Veronica,
Mr. Weatherbee.


- Is this Don Mattingly's signature?
- Yeah.

And Buck Showalter's?

It's an interoffice envelope. It gets
passed around all over the office.

Hey, can I show this
to my buddy Stubs?

He runs a sports-memorabilia store.

He'll pay top-dollar
for pro autographs.

Yeah, like I'm gonna risk my job
with the New York Yankees...

to make a few extra bucks.

No, of course not.

No, you see, Don Mattingly
signed this envelope.

Then he sent it to room 318...

where it was received and signed for
by manager Buck Showalter.

I don't know. An envelope?

- It doesn't really cut it.
- Why?

And what is this?

A birthday card.

Signed by the entire
Yankee organization?

This could be worth something.

- Is that the lovely Mrs. Morgan?
- Hello.

You got that birthday card?

- Birthday card?
- Mr. Steinbrenner's birthday card.

Wilhelm said you'd have it
for me to sign.

Oh, yeah. I'll have that for you
right after lunch.

- Fine. I'll be back after my massage.
- Of course, your massage.

Enjoy your massage.

- Hello?
- Elaine?

- James.
- Yes.


I can't believe Elaine's
never taken you here.

I'm really not
much of a meat eater.

You don't eat meat?

- What are you, one of those...?
- No, I'm not one of those.

When we were little girls...

Grandma Mema would take us
to a matinee and dinner here.

- Grandma Mema?
- Elaine must have mentioned Mema.

No, I think I would have
remembered Mema.

Oh, well, that's typical.
Elaine never liked Grandma Mema.


I'll have the porterhouse, medium rare,
baked potato with sour cream.

What do you recommended
besides a steak?

The lamb chops are good.

Anything lighter?
How do you prepare the chicken?

It's a full bird, stuffed with ham,
topped with Gorgonzola.

You know, I'll just have a salad.

Thank you.

Just a salad.

Just a salad.

Just a salad.

Here you are. Hey, boys.

Hey, you. Hey, you. Hi.

These are your dogs?

Yeah, when you live alone,
your dogs are all you have.

Do you like dogs?

Shut up, you stupid little mutt!

- Dogs? Oh, I love dogs.
- Boys, this is Elaine.

I'm sorry.
They're usually very friendly.


Hey, Mr. Morgan,
how was your massage?

I had to cancel it. For some reason
my wife got it into her head...

that it was more
than just a massage.

- Really?
- We got into this big fight at lunch.

- I'll be sleeping on the couch.
- Listen, don't oversleep.

- You can't afford to be late again.
- I know.

Somebody's been giving Wilhelm
the impression I've been slacking off.

Hey, you know, you should try
my friend's wake-up service.

She's swears by this thing.

You may be my only friend
around here.

- By the way, you got that card?
- Not yet.

Make sure Steinbrenner
doesn't get it till I sign it.

Yes, sir.

I mean, I just don't understand it.

As soon as I met these dogs,
they started growling at me.

Well, maybe his dogs heard about
how you tried to kidnap that other dog.

These mutts like to gossip.

So have you talked to Holly?

Did she mention our lunch?

- Kind of.
- Well, what do you mean, "Kind of"?

I mean, she thought it was
kind of strange to just order a salad.

You know, for a man.

Like a quiche thing?

You're in the ballpark.

Salad? What was I thinking?

Women don't respect salad eaters.

You got that right.

You're going over there
for dinner tonight, right?

- What is she making?
- I don't know. I'm sure it had parents.

Call her up.
She won't mind if you come.

Oh, don't worry, I'll be there.
And I'll be packing an artery.

Well, Mr. Weatherbee.

Do you have
that Yankee envelope?

I sure do.

- There you are.
- Hey.

Think you're gonna be very pleased
when you see what's inside.

- What is this?
- Your cut of the loot.

Stubs gave me $200...

for the autographed birthday card
that was inside.

Who told you to sell the card?

- You did.
- No, I didn't.

Well, not in so many words...

but I believe
we had an understanding.

I was not winking, you idiot.

That was the grapefruit.
It's like acid.

I need that card back.
It's Steinbrenner's. I was responsible.

Well, Stubs sold it to some guy
whose kid is in the hospital.

Well, get it back.
It's very important.

Look, you want me
to get it back or not?

Get it back!

This is such a lovely
table setting, Holly.

- Where did you get these napkins?
- They were Grandma Mema's.

- I don't remember them.
- You wouldn't.

She only used them
on special occasions.

Special occasions? It wasn't special
when my family visited?

Everybody like mutton?


Hope you didn't cut the fat off.

- Are you Bobby?
- Yes.

Well, I heard that you have
a very special birthday card...

with all the Yankee
autographs on it.

- Sure do, mister.
- Oh, boy. Yeah, yeah, that's it. Yeah.

Boy, Stubs sure went to town
with this thing, huh?

Yeah, well, Bobby,
what if I told you...

that a very important person
at the New York Yankees...

needed this card back?

Oh, no. I'd never part with this card
for anything in the world.

Well, Bobby....

- Who's your favourite Yankee?
- Paul O'Neill.

What if I get Paul O'Neill
to hit a home run just for you?

- Really? Paul O'Neill would do that?
- For you, he would.

Could he hit two home runs?


Sure, kid. But then you gotta promise
you'll do something for me.

I know. Get out of this bed one day
and walk again.

Yeah, that would be nice,
but I just need the card.

What about this candelabra?

That was Grandma Mema's also.

She bought it on her trip to Europe
in 1926.

Jerry, I'm thrilled you like my mutton.
I was afraid you only ate salad.

Hey, salad's got nothing
on this mutton.

That is so funny.
Did you just make that up?

I wish I could take credit for it.

It's actually a line my butcher uses
when we're chewing the fat.

How about that beautiful desk
over there?

Yeah, that was in Mema's study.

I love that desk.

What did you do,
ransack the place after she died?

This is some fine mutton.

You know what?
I'm getting out of here.

Can I borrow your jacket?

- Well, the thing is...
- It's cold out, okay?

I didn't bring my own, okay? Jerry.


God forbid I should
borrow one from Holly.

It might have belonged
to Grandma Mema.

Thanks for mutton.

Nice doggy.

I'm a nice person.

Don't believe what you hear.

I love dogs. I really do.

- Where are the napkins?
- What?

Grandma Mema's napkins.
Two are missing.

Elaine took them, didn't she?

I don't know about that.

- Have you got any floss?
- You heard her. She coveted them.

I bet she took them just to spite me.

She's probably having a laugh
about it right now.

Down, doggy!

What are you doing
in this neighbourhood?

- Did you hide the dogs?
- Yeah, they're in the kitchen.

It's okay. Okay. Quiet!

- What's going on?
- Oh, God.

These dogs were chasing me.

And no cabs were stopping.

I had to get off the street.
I remembered you lived here.

Why were dogs chasing you?

They just don't like me.
It's a long story.

I can tell you about it someday,
but not right now.

I would ask you to stay, but I only have
the sofa bed, and it's where I sleep.

Well, we'll have to sleep

- Head-to-toe?
- Head-to-toe.

Hey, wake up.

It's 8:30. You were supposed
to wake me up at 7:15.

I'm sorry. I didn't get any sleep.
You kept kicking me in the face.

You're a wake-up guy.
Don't you have calls to make?

I'll make them later.

- Have you seen Morgan?
- He's not here?

No, he's late again.

That's impossible.
I got him a wake-up service.

You don't have to cover for him.

He's gonna be gone soon...

and I'm gonna recommended you
for his job.


Sounds like all that winking
got you a promotion.

I don't want Morgan's job.
He's got a lot of work to do.

Hey, Elaine, your friend
never woke up Mr. Morgan.

Yeah, well, he was tired.
He had feet in his face.

My cousin Holly
is completely insane.

She keeps calling and accusing me
of stealing her napkins.

- Napkins?
- I mean, why?

Why would I take
her stupid napkins?

Because they were in the pockets
of my jacket.

- They were?
- Yes.

I was using them
to spit out the mutton.

You spit it out?

I had dogs chasing me for that.

I was almost mauled
because of that mutton.

- What exactly is mutton?
- I don't know.

And I didn't wanna find out.

So where's my jacket?

I must have left it at James'.

Spent the night at James', did we?

Yeah, but we reversed positions,
so there was no funny business.

- Reversed positions?
- Yeah, you know, head-to-toe.

So what?
Your genitals are still lined up.

No, because I slept
with my back to him.

- Mr. O'Neill?
- Yeah.

Yeah, look, you don't know me.

All right. I can give you
an autograph here...

but my pen's kind of screwed up and
you'll probably only get, like, half a P.

No, it's not that.
It's about a boy in the hospital.

I was wondering if you could
do something to lift his spirits.

- I can help you there.
- I promised you'd hit two home runs.

- You what?
- Yeah, you know, a couple of dingers.

You promised a kid in the hospital
I'd hit two home runs?

- Yeah, what? No good?
- No, it's no good. It's terrible.

You don't hit home runs like that.

It's hard to hit home runs.
Where did you get two from?

Well, two is better than one.

That's ridiculous.
I'm not a home-run hitter.

- Well, Babe Ruth did it.
- He did not.

You're saying
that Babe Ruth was a liar?

I'm not calling him a liar, but he wasn't
stupid enough to promise two.

Well, maybe I did
overextend myself.

How did you get in here anyway?

Oh, hi, Elaine. You know, I lost
all of my 6:30 clients because of you.

Yeah, well, why did you
have to stick your feet in my face?

Yes, I have the jacket. Hold on.


What do you got?

The Yankees take the field
on a beautiful afternoon.

It's hot in here.

Hey, Bobby,
can I have some of your juice?

After Paul O'Neill
hits his first home run.

- Yeah?
- It's Holly.

- Come on up.
- And the two-and-one pitch to O'Neill.

Towering shot to deep right field,
and it's gone!

- Yeah!
- A home run for Paul O'Neill.

- The Yanks lead 1-nothing.
- Oh, yeah!

All right.


One more to go.

Hey, what's all this?

I decided I'm gonna
make you dinner.

Oh, I thought we were going out.

After you scarfed up my mutton...

I had the irresistible urge
to make pork chops for you.

Well, I said hello to Franco for you.

- Franco?
- Your butcher down the street.

I bet he acted all aloof
like he didn't know me.

- A little.
- That is so Franco.

Bottom of the eighth.
Score tied at 1 apiece.

Two and one to Paul O'Neill.

Bobby, it's hard to hit two home runs
in one game, even for Paul O'Neill.

He can do it, Mr. Kramer.

I know he can. He'll do it for me.

Long fly ball into deep left field,
and it drops just over Belle's head.

O'Neill's rounding second,
the ball rolling back to the wall.

- O'Neill heading for third.
- Come on!

O'Neill rounds third,
being waved in.

Yeah! Go! Go!

And Martinez throws it
over Alomar's head.

O'Neill is safe at home,
the Yankees take the lead.

Inside-the-park home run!

- Yes, he did it.
- All right.

Yeah, well,
I guess I'll be on my way.

Now, that's being scored
a triple for Paul O'Neill...

with a throwing error
charged to Martinez.


That's not a home run.

Well, maybe not technically, but...

You said he would hit
two home runs.

Come on, Bobby.
Bobby, that's just as good.

- Well, you're not taking that card.
- Now, Bobby, Bobby. We had a deal.

Come on, give me that.

So is the chop
the way you like it?

I usually like mine
with an angioplasty.

Something really stinks to high...


What are you doing here?

What everyone does here.
Cooking pork chops.

Listen, I'm meeting James here.

He's bringing over your jacket.

- And what about the napkins?
- Oh, God.

I didn't take your napkins.

- Then who did?
- Ask Jerry.

Hey, we can argue all night
over who took the napkins.

The point is, in today's modern world,
it just doesn't seem relevant.

I still wanna know what happened
to that birthday card.

- Now, Morgan, did you ever sign it?
- No, sir. George never gave it to me.

That's right. I didn't.

I take full responsibility
for the card not being here, l...

- I got it.
- What's this?

Oh, it's a birthday card. Yeah.

George, by the way,
tomorrow night...

Paul O'Neill has to catch
a fly ball in his hat.

George, this is beautiful.

Why didn't you tell me
you were gonna have it mounted?

Yeah, you were probably
just gonna stick it in an envelope.

George, keep up the good work.

Well, you screwed me again,

How am I supposed
to sign the card now, huh?

It's already under glass.

Hi, James. Oh, this is...

Excuse me.
What are those dogs wearing?

Oh, bandanas. Aren't they cute?

You gave Mema's napkins
to some dogs?

Hey, what happened to my jacket?

Oh, the dogs did that,
but it wasn't their fault.

Somebody stuffed
some strange meat in the pockets.

- Was it mutton?
- Could have been.

You always stuff
meat in your pockets?

Sometimes I use the sofa.

You wanted to see me?

Yes, George.
Please, come in, come in.

Thanks for the card. I loved it.
It made me feel good.

Word has it you were
the brains behind the thing.

No, no, not just me.
The whole organization.

Especially Mr. Morgan.

Morgan, Morgan. You know,
his name is absent from this card.

Like he went out of his way
not to sign it.

Oh, no, Morgan is a good man, sir.

You can stop.
Congratulations, you've got his job.

Well, thank you, sir. You know,
I'm not quite sure I'm right for it.

It's done, George.
He's out, you're in.

- It's a lot more work.
- I know.

A lot more responsibility.

- Long, long hours.
- I know.

Not much more money.

But you'll finally
get the recognition you deserve.

That's what I'm afraid of.

You know, Mr. Steinbrenner...

George, as painful as it is, I've had
to let a few people go over the years.

Yogi Berra, Lou Piniella...

Bucky Dent, Billy Martin...

Dallas Green...

Dick Hauser, Bill Virdon...

Billy Martin...

Stump Merrill, Billy Martin...

Bob Lemon, Billy Martin...

Gene Michael, Buck Showalter...

George, you didn't hear that
from me.