Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 7, Episode 3 - The Maestro - full transcript

Kramer is pursuing his law suit against a coffee shop for selling him coffee that too hot. Jackie Chiles represents him and thinks they're going to make a fortune. He may have a problem when Elaine's new boyfriend gives him a salve that cleans up his burn mark overnight. The boyfriend, who conducts the police band, insists that everyone including Elaine, call him Maestro which is just a bit too pretentious. George meanwhile goes shopping with Susan at a store owned bu her family. He's not too keen on the clothes she thinks he should wear and is bothered by the fact that the security has to stand all day.

I've never been any place there
was absolutely no coffee.

And people constantly try
to give you coffee.

"Who's having coffee?
Can I get you some coffee?"

Coffee's one of the only things
you can have...

that people continue
to try and give it to you.

Waitresses ask, "Can I fill it up?
Can I warm it up? Can I top it off?"

You could lift up a manhole cover;

"We just made a fresh pot.
Would you like some?"

It has taken over humanity.

There are coffee machines
we have to call "mister."

"Coffee anyone?"
"Hey, that's Mr. Coffee to you."

Then I hear this rabbi on television.
I mean, imagine.

I'm really sorry, George.

I wasn't jealous of you.
It was just the whole marriage thing.

You know, I was just
a little surprised.

Why would anyone eat canned fruit?

I mean, can anybody answer that?

- What about all the "loser" stuff?
- I don't know where the rabbi got that.

You know, I never said that.
I said, "I've never seen you looser."

I could see the can
if you're in the Army.

But fresh fruit, it's available.
It's there.

It's two aisles over.

Well, scintillating as always.

- Where you going?
- I'm going shopping with Susan.

- What kind of shopping?
- Clothes shopping.

- Where you going?
- Ross'.

- That's a nice store.
- It's her uncle's.

- Discount?
- One would hope.

So my friend and l,
we were going to the movies...

and we stopped off
and bought this caf? latte.

- Is that ltalian coffee?
- Yeah, that's right.

- Half milk, half coffee?
- Yeah.

- You take a sip?
- Yes, I did.

When you did,
did you notice it was hot?

Could you sip it
in your normal fashion?

No, I wasn't able to sip it
in my normal fashion.

All right, all right.

You take big sips?

Well, I think I take a normal sip.

Okay, you take normal sips.
Nothing wrong with that.

- Then what happened?
- Well, you know...

they don't allow outside drinks
in the movie theatre...

so I had to put it in my shirt
and sneak it in.

Yeah, see, they like
to sell their own coffee.

- Is that gonna be a problem?
- Yeah, it's a problem.

It'll be a problem for them.

It's a clear violation of
your rights as a consumer.

An infringement
on your constitutional rights.

It's outrageous,
egregious, preposterous.

It's definitely preposterous.

So then what happened?

Well, I was trying to get to my seat,
and I had to step over someone...

and I kind of got pushed,
and it spilled on me.

- Was there a top on it?
- Yeah.

Did you put the top on,
or did they put it on for you?

- They put the top on.
- And they made the top.

You didn't make the top, did you?

Suzy, I want you to go down
to Java World.

Get me a caf? latte with a top.

We're gonna run
some tests on that top.

- Have you been to the doctor?
- No. No, I haven't.

Suzy, call Dr. Bison.

Set up an appointment for Mr. Kramer.
Tell him it's for me.

- So, what do you think, Mr. Chiles?
- Jackie.

- Jackie. I mean, we got a chance?
- Do we have a chance?

Get me one coffee drinker
on that jury...

you gonna walk out of there
a rich man.

I don't like it. It's red.
It's too flashy.

Well, you could use a little flash.

All right, don't change me.
Susan, don't change me.

There's a lot of women that would love
to be in your position right now.

Name one.

So did you find anything?

Oh, he is impossible
to shop for, Uncle Ned.

I'm going on vacation to Costa Rica.

Maybe I'll see you
in a couple of weeks.

Excuse me, Mr. Ross.

- See, now, this I don't get.
- What?

- The security guard.
- What about him?

Why does he have to stand?

Because he's a security guard.

I mean, look at him.

He's gotta be on his feet like that
all day? I mean, that's brutal.

- I'm gonna say something to your uncle.
- George, you just met him.

Don't say anything to him.

Aren't you concerned
about the security guard?

Not really.

She's not concerned
about the security guard.

What kind of person is this?

I'm marrying a person
who doesn't care...

this man has to stand
eight hours a day...

when he could easily be sitting.

All right, George.
What do you think?

- So, what did you do last night?
- Nothing.

I know, but what did you
actually do?

Literally nothing.
I sat in a chair and I stared.

- Wow, that really is nothing.
- I told you.

- Hey.
- Hey.

What are you dressed up for?

I just came from a meeting
with my lawyer.

- How's that looking?
- I'll tell you how it's looking.

My lawyer says if there's
one coffee drinker on that jury...

I'm gonna be a rich man.

Oh, that's despicable.

How does he know
how all coffee drinkers will vote?

I'm a coffee drinker. If I was on
that jury, I wouldn't give you a nickel.

Well, you wouldn't be on that jury.
He would've weeded you out.

Frankly, I'm surprised
you're so litigious.

Oh, I can be quite litigious.

Whoever heard of this anyway?

Suing a company
because their coffee is too hot?

- Coffee is supposed to be hot.
- But Jackie says the top was faulty.

Jackie says the top was faulty.

- Hey, Maestro.
- Kramer.

- I'm in here. How's it going?
- Fine.

Hi, Bob.

I'm sorry. Maestro.

Oh, boy. This is a surprise.
Look at you.

I just wanted to drop off
this Chinese balm for your burns.

It's supposed to be great stuff.
It's all herbal.

Oh, Maestro, what are you doing?
You don't have to do this.

- Do you believe this Maestro?
- It's nothing.

You know, you haven't
been around for a while.

Oh, yeah. I've been
at my house in Tuscany.

Tuscany, huh? You hear that, Jerry?
That's in ltaly. Yeah.

I hear it's beautiful there.

Well, if you're thinking
of getting a place there, don't bother.

There's really nothing available.

- Hello.
- Well, hello.

- And who might you be?
- I might be Elaine.

- This is Bob Cobb.
- Maestro.

- Maestro?
- It is my very great pleasure.

- I have to get going.
- I have to be going.

Jinx. Buy me a Coke.

- I love it when that happens.
- I know, I know. That is so....

- Coincidental.
- Yeah.

- Okay, bye, you guys.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Ciao.
- Yeah, see you. Oh, hey.

Thanks for the balm. Yeah.

You know
you hurt the Maestro's feelings.

- Because I didn't call him Maestro?
- That's right.

I feel a little funny
calling somebody Maestro.

- Why?
- It's a stupid thing to be called.

- Jerry, he's a conductor.
- Oh, conductor?

He conducts the Policemen's
Benevolent Association Orchestra.

Well, he's still a conductor.

He sure worked
pretty fast with Elaine.

You should see him do
"Flight of the Bumblebee."

He just....

New shirt?

- Yeah, you like it?
- No. Not particularly.

- Why? The colour?
- Yeah.

- Too flashy?
- Yeah, it's burning my retina.

Susan picked that out
for you, right?


All right, what's it gonna be here?

Let me ask you something.

When you're in a store,
does it bother you...

that they make the security guard
stand there all day?


See, it didn't bother Susan either.

That's why I'm different.

I can sense
the slightest human suffering.

Are you sensing anything
right now?

Let me just say this.

It's inhumane to make a man stand
on his feet...

in one spot for eight hours a day.

Why shouldn't he have a chair?

What about criminal activity?
He's gotta be alert.

He can't jump out of the chair?
How long does that take?

Look at this. Here, watch.
Criminals. Boom, I'm up.

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

Maybe they offered him a chair
and he turned it down.

Would you get out of here.
Who's gonna turn down a chair?

I'd be very interested to know
how he felt about all this.

- Maybe I'll have a talk with him.
- I know you will.

Hey, hey. Listen to this.

- Jackie just called.
- Who?

- His lawyer.
- Java World wants to settle.

- What?
- Yeah, I'm gonna be rich.

- Why are they settling?
- They're afraid of bad publicity.

All this because
you spilled coffee on yourself?

Yeah, that's right.

I'm gonna need a coffee here!
Very hot! Boiling!

And then, about four years ago...

I was on holiday in Tuscany,
and I fell in love with this house.

Are you ready to order?

Gosh, what are you getting, Bob?

Good question.
We'll need a few minutes.


You know, I'm sorry, but....

I didn't mention it earlier, but,
actually, I prefer to be called Maestro.

- Excuse me?
- Well, you know, I am a conductor.

Yeah. So?

I suppose it's okay for Leonard
Bernstein to be called Maestro...

because he conducted
the New York Philharmonic.

So he gets to be called Maestro
and I don't.

Well, don't you think
that he was probably called Maestro...

while he was conducting.
Not in social situations.

I mean, his friends
probably just called him Lenny.

I happen to know for a fact that he was
called Maestro in social situations.

I once saw him in a bar,
and somebody said;

"Hello, Maestro, how about a beer?"
Okay? So that's a fact.

Maestro, huh?



Jerry! Jerry!

Jerry, my burn, it's gone, look.

- What do you mean?
- I put that Chinese balm on it.

- Look, it healed it.
- So?

So my lawsuit. I'm finished.

- I thought they wanted to settle.
- What happens if they wanna see it?

- Then you're in a lot of trouble.
- Yeah!

- Tired?
- No.

How come no chair?


I couldn't help but notice
that you don't have a chair.

- I don't need a chair.
- I didn't mean to imply you did.

You're obviously
a very well-proportioned individual.

What I was just wondering is...

have they ever
offered you a chair?

- No.
- Would you like a chair?

I suppose if they gave me one
I'd sit down.

You would, wouldn't you?

Obviously I'd rather sit,
if that's what you're asking.

- That's exactly my point.
- Who wouldn't?

Because, I tell you, frankly...

I'd like to walk in here one day
and find you sitting down.

That would give me
a lot of pleasure.

Call me crazy.

You put the balm on?
Who told you to put the balm on?

I didn't tell you to.
Why'd you put the balm on?

You haven't even been
to the doctor.

Let a doctor put a balm on.

- I guess I screwed up, huh, Jackie?
- You're damn right, you screwed up.

Where'd you get
that damn balm anyway?

- The Maestro.
- The who?

- What you talking about, Maestro?
- My friend's a conductor.

So a maestro tells you
to put a balm on, and you do it?

Well, my stomach was burning.

I'll tell you what this is.
It's a public humiliation.

- I didn't know the balm would work.
- Do you know what a balm is?

You ever seen a balm?
Didn't you read the instructions?

No one can tell what a balm's
gonna do. They're unpredictable.

All right, I'm sorry, Jackie.

- Pull over here, driver. This is it.
- Yeah, get over.

- You have a good time?
- Yeah, he's very interesting.

Did you know that Mozart died
while writing the "Requiem"?

Yeah. Everyone knows that.
It was in Amadeus.


What about the name?
Did he make you call him Maestro?

- Yeah, I called him Maestro.
- You didn't mind?

Well, I did at first,
but, actually, I kind of got used to it.

Okay, from now on, I want you
to call me Jerry the Great.

- I'm not calling you Jerry the Great.
- Why not? You call him Maestro.

- He is a maestro.
- Well, I'm great.

So you say.

What about his house in Tuscany?
He mention that?

Yeah. I'm invited.

When I told him it was beautiful there,
out of the clear blue sky, he says;

"There's nothing to rent," as if
he doesn't want anyone else there.


Maybe he's embarrassed
by Americans.

Well, maybe there aren't
any houses to rent there.

In all of Tuscany? I wonder.

I say we offer him $50,000, that's it.
Take it or leave it.

How do we know
how severe the burns are?

Let's have him
examined by a doctor.

Listen, the faster
we dispose of this, the better.

This thing gets into the paper,
it'll kill us.

All right, we'll start with 50,000
and free coffee at all of our stores.

- Yes?
- Mr. Chiles and Mr. Kramer are here.

Send them in.


Gentlemen, come in.

Now, we don't want to take up
much of your time.

Let's make this short and sweet.

We're prepared to offer you
all the free coffee you want...

at any of our stores throughout
North America and Europe, plus...

I'll take it!

"I'll take it"? "I'll take it"?
Who told you to take it?

- Did I tell you to take it?
- No.

The Maestro didn't tell you to.
He wasn't there.

- We were lucky to get anything.
- Free coffee?

- Yeah.
- I don't want free coffee.

It's not hard to get coffee.
I can get it myself.

I wanna know
what came after that "plus."

I didn't hear any "plus."

Twenty years, I've never experienced
anything like this.

Look, Java World.
Hey, listen, I'm getting out here.

I'm gonna get myself
a free caf? latte.


Hi, Maestro.

- "Beethoven's 7th."
- Yeah.

- We were just talking about you.
- Oh, yeah?

The other day, you mentioned
there were no houses in Tuscany.

You didn't find one, did you?

- No. Not really looking.
- Nor should you.

But are you telling me there's not
one house to rent in all of Tuscany?

The houses are passed down
from generation to generation.

It's very hard.

I can't get a sublet,
a guest room, a cot, nothing?

- It's booked solid.
- It's booked, Jerry.

- How'd you get yours?
- Got lucky.

Come on, Elaine, let's take a ride.
I was about to pop in some Verdi.

Maybe I'll check out France.

Hey, George.
Hey, you believe this guy?

- Who?
- Bob Cobb.

- Bob Cobb?
- You know, the Maestro.

I missed the Maestro?

Get this, he tells me there are no
houses anywhere in Tuscany to rent.

- You renting a house in Tuscany?
- No.

So, what do you care?

I wish I could figure out if this guy's
trying to keep me out of Tuscany.

Of course he is. There's got
to be houses for rent in Tuscany.

- Do you know how big Tuscany is?
- I have no idea.

It's huge.
It's probably like North Dakota.

- Oh, no way it's that big.
- It's a big region.

You know how big
North Dakota is, stupid?

- Why do I bother talking to you?
- There's no gun to your head.

All right.

- So I spoke to the security guard.
- Yeah? And?

It was tough to get a good read...

but I think if I brought him
a chair, he'd sit.

- So you're gonna get him a chair?
- Yeah. It's a question of what kind.

- Thinking about a barstool.
- That'd give him some height.

Be able to check things out.
With a back or without?

I think I'd go for the back.

- Swivel?
- I suppose he could swivel.

- Maybe one of those director's chairs.
- That's kind of a pompous look.

My parents had a kitchen chair
that would've been perfect.

- One of those vinyl things?
- Yes.

Vinyl, yeah. Maybe.

How can I figure out if there's
any places to rent in Tuscany?

Wait a minute.
Poppie's from Tuscany.

- I'm gonna go call him.
- Yeah, good luck.

Hey, I'll meet you outside.

Poppie told me to talk to his cousin.
He lives down in Little ltaly.

What do you think
about a rocking chair?

You can't limit my caf? lattes.
It says so right here.

And no dirty looks. If I want
a caf? latte, you give me a caf? latte.

If I have any problems,
I'll get my lawyer down here.

You'll be in big trouble.

Hey, hey, slow down, Eddie.
What's the matter?

They're making faces
because I've had some caf? lattes.

But I can have as many caf? lattes
as I want. That was the settlement.

- That's it?
- That's it. You want one, George?

Jerry, you want one?
They're delicious. My pleasure.

You've got to stop it.
You're all hopped up on the caffeine.

- I feel like I'm talking a little faster.
- You're racing.

Well, I got things to do.
See you later. Bye.

Oh, Bob.




Excuse me. Can I help you?

No. Just giving a chair
to the security guard.

Did Mr. Ross tell you to do this?

- What's your name?
- Evan Fane.

I'm engaged to Mr. Ross' niece.

I'll be taking over this whole
place someday...

so if I were you,
I'd stay on my good side.

I'm terribly sorry. I didn't know.

Innocent mistake.

Well, here you go.
What do you think?

Mr. Ross said this was okay?

I'm his nephew, all right?
Don't worry about it.

Go ahead. Check it out.


Not bad.

Not bad at all.

Excuse me,
I'm looking for a Mr. Ciccio.

I'm Ciccio.

Poppie sent me
to see you, Mr. Ciccio.

Si, si, Poppie.

Did he mention to you why I called?

- The house in Toscana.
- Yeah, right, right.

So is there anything there to rent?

Two million lire.
You give me the check.

- No, I didn't actually want to rent it.
- The keys. Here are the keys.

You give me the check.
Two million lire.

Seventeen-hundred American.

No, see...

I didn't say that I wanted to rent it.

I was just wondering
if there were houses there to rent.

This one.

It's been a rough couple of weeks.
I really needed to get away.

I told you.

It's paradise.

You were right, Maestro.

Come on, Jerry, this guy's crazy.
Get out.

I'm getting out.
You didn't have to push me.

- How much did you pay that guy?
- Seventy-five thousand lire.

Seventy-five thousand lire?
Are you out of your mind?

Kramer, you don't understand
the conversion rate.

The conversion rates.

- I don't even know why I brought you.
- Nobody put a gun to your head.

- Not bad.
- Yeah.