Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 7, Episode 22 - The Invitations - full transcript

It's finally time for George and Susan's wedding. George doesn't think he can go through with the wedding. But when Susan puts George in charge of the wedding invitations, George gets the cheapest ones in the lot, knowing that the glue for the envelopes is cheap. Unfortunately for Susan, the glue is also toxic and licking the envelopes has fatal consequences. Meanwhile, Jerry courts a woman just like him named Janeanne Steinberg and holds up his end of George's "pact" (see episode "The Engagement").

I think if the wedding invitations
were left up to men...

we'd just drive around sticking
fliers in windshields. You know.

Not even typed up either.

Just magic markers,
xeroxed, you know;

"Party."

What's needed
is a divorce announcement.

"Mr. and Mrs. Fred Johnson
request the honour of your presence...

at the returning of their daughter
back to Mr. and Mrs. Fred Johnson."

- Hi.
- Hi, can I help you?

- Yes, we'd like wedding invitations.
- Oh, well, congratulations.

- Thank you.
- Yeah, thank you.



- When's the wedding?
- June.

- Late June.
- We have quite a few to pick from.

They're arranged in order of price.
The most expensive are in the front.

I don't know, what about this one?

To tell you the truth, they haven't
made those for a number of years.

I might have some boxes
in our warehouse in New Jersey.

- I'd have to check.
- Oh, no. George, that's so ugly.

We don't want that.

What's the difference?
You just read it and mail it right back.

- These ones.
- Why don't they make them anymore?

Well, for one thing,
the glue isn't very adhesive.

It takes a lot of moisture
to make them stick.

So we pick up some Elmer's.

All right.



Do you see what I do for you?

- Hey, Kramer.
- Hey, George.

- Lilly.
- No, Susan.

- No, no, it's Lilly.
- I think I know my own name.

It's Susan.

Well, you look like a Lilly.

It's coming, Jerry, it's coming.

- What's coming?
- The day.

The day.

We ordered
the wedding invitations today.

Nothing can stop it now, nothing.

It's here. It's happening.

Can I do this? I can't do this.
Look at me. Look at me, I can't do this.

I can't do it.
Help me, Jerry, help me.

Just break it off with her.
Tell her it's over.

I can't.

- Why not?
- Because I can't face that scene.

You know what kind of a scene
that would be?

I'd rather be unhappy for the rest
of my life than to go through that.

I can't. I've tried to psych myself up
a million times. I can't go through that.

All right, take it easy.
Just take it easy.

- What about a letter?
- A letter?

I write a letter
and then I go to China.

I disappear in a sea of people
for, like, six months, a year.

You know,
just while things simmer down.

"Dear Susan, I'm sorry.

I made a terrible mistake.

I'm really, really sorry."

- That's it?
- What, too short?

- Seems a little short, yeah.
- A little short.

You can't go to China.
What about your job?

Right. My job.

So write a letter
and move to Staten lsland.

It's easier to blend into a sea of people
in Staten lsland than China.

Yeah, yeah. Staten lsland.

- How do I get the rest of my clothes?
- You come back for your clothes.

- I'm not going back in there.
- So forget about your clothes.

Well, I'm not starting up
a whole new wardrobe now!

Freedom and no clothes is a lot better
than no freedom with clothes.

If she would just
take a plane somewhere.

And what, hope for a crash?

It happens.

Do you know the odds on a crash?
It's a million to one.

It's something. It's hope.

- Hey. Hey!
- Hey.

Georgie, you know
what I just realized?

The wedding is like a month away.

- Elaine.
- What?

Oh, by the way, what am I gonna
get to be in the wedding party?

- What do you mean?
- Jerry's gonna be best man...

and Kramer's the usher.
What am I gonna be?

I don't think you're anything.

Well, I have to be something.
I'm a close friend.

- What about being a bridesmaid?
- Well, those are Susan's friends.

- Then how about being an usher?
- All right, I'll ask Susan about it later.

You don't ask. You tell.

What about the letter?
Should I think about it?

Elaine, if a guy wanted
to end a relationship...

what could he do?

Start smoking.

Smoking.

- Does she hate cigarettes?
- Yes, she hates cigarettes.

But you don't smoke.

No.

You know, I think I'm getting
depressed about George's wedding.

- Really?
- Yeah, once he gets married, that's it.

She'll probably get pregnant.
They'll move to Westchester.

- I'll never see him again.
- Yeah, you're probably right.

- Then it'll be just me, you and Kramer.
- No, not me, pal.

I can't keep this up much longer.
I'm sick of being single.

- I'm getting out.
- So it's just gonna be me and Kramer?

Yeah, just you and Kramer.

See you.

Me and Kramer.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, I thought of
a great invention for driving.

A periscope in a car,
so you can see traffic.

How are you gonna drive...

while you're
looking through a periscope?

Besides which, it's not a submarine.

There's no room for a periscope
on a car.

- Oh, you make a higher roof.
- They're not making higher roofs.

Well, why can't you
make a higher roof?

Because it's a stupid idea.

No one's gonna go for it.
Don't you understand? It's stupid!

Stupid. It's stupid.

Hey, hey, hey, look out!

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

Yeah, thanks.

Oh, my God. You saved my life.

Shouldn't there be
some kind of reward for that?

You should be careful
crossing the street.

Otherwise you could die,
if that bothers you.

- Well, yeah...
- See? To me, this is a waste.

- What?
- The shirt under your sweater.

It sits in a drawer for three weeks...

and when it finally comes out,
it only sticks up out of your collar.

- I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
- Jeannie Steinman.

- Same initials. How do you like that?
- I like it.

Listen, I was talking to Elaine today,
and she said...

that she would really like
to be an usher at the wedding.

No, out of the question.

I don't want any women ushers
at my wedding.

And while we're on the subject,
Kramer's not an usher either.

- Why not?
- He doesn't even know my name.

- That was an honest mistake.
- No, he's too weird.

He'd fall or something.
He'd ruin the whole ceremony.

Yeah, you're probably right.

What are you doing?

Since when do you smoke?

I've always smoked.

- I've never seen you smoke.
- Oh, yeah, well, big smoker.

I gave it up for a while,
but it was too tough.

You know, I don't got the willpower.

- Oh, I don't like this one bit.
- Well, I can't stop now.

I'm addicted.
They've gotten a hold on me.

Well, you are gonna have to quit.

- Menus?
- No, I know what I want.

- The usual?
- Yeah.

- And for you?
- A bowl of Cheerios, not too much milk.

Okay, two bowls of Cheerios.

- You too?
- Yeah.

Hey, did you hear
the bank on the corner...

is offering $100 if you go in there
and they don't greet you with a "hello."

Oh, really? That's nice.

- Come on. What's with you?
- I think I'm in love.

Oh, come on.

No, it's true.
This woman saved my life.

I was crossing the street.
I was almost hit by a car.

And then we talked...

and the whole thing
just seemed like a dream.

If a guy saved your life,
you'd be in love with him too.

No, this woman is different.
She's incredible.

She's just like me.
She talks like me. She acts like me.

She ordered cereal in a restaurant.
We even have the same initials.

- Wait, I just realized what's going on.
- What?

Now I know what I've been
looking for all these years.

Myself.

I've been waiting
for me to come along.

And now I've swept myself
off my feet.

Will you stop it, man?
You're freaking me out.

Jeez.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Wait a second, you didn't say "hello."
- Yes, I did.

No. No, you didn't.
Hundred dollars. I get $100.

- No, no, I said "hello."
- No, no, you said "hey."

Well, "hey" is "hello." Same thing.

The ad said the bank will pay $100
if you're not greeted with a "hello."

You're taking that much too literally.

Now, sir, do you have
any business to transact?

- I wanna speak with the manager.
- He's not here.

Then I'll be back.

- So I'm not gonna be an usher?
- No.

So I'm nothing?

Jerry is best man,
Kramer is an usher, and I am nothing?

- Kramer's not an usher anymore.
- What are you talking about?

- You've been demoted.
- Why?

Because you called her
by the wrong name.

But she really looks like a Lilly.

Jerry. Hey, Jerry, Susan says
I can't be an usher at the wedding.

Yeah, me neither.

George, I wanna bring a date
to the wedding.

- Who?
- I just met her. She's incredible.

Oh, this is great!

Now I'm gonna be stuck
at the singles' table with all the losers?

- You can go with Kramer.
- No, no, no.

Weddings are a great place
to meet chicks.

I have to be unfettered.

Do you see
what this is turning into?

Do I need this?
I have got to get out of this thing.

- Did you try the cigarettes?
- Yeah, they made me sick.

All right, all right.
Let's get down here.

You really wanna get out
of this thing?

- Yeah.
- All right. I got two words for you;

Prenup.

Prenup, what does that mean?

- Ask her to sign a prenup.
- What does that do?

Because most women,
when asked to sign a prenup...

are so offended,
they back out of the marriage.

They are?

- Elaine?
- I wouldn't sign one.

Prenup, of course.

- Kramer.
- Get out of here.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hey, I've been going over the list.
Wanna invite The Drake?

Oh, got to invite The Drake.

Listen.

There's something
that's been on my mind...

and we haven't really talked about it
and it's kind of important to me.

What is it?

Well, I've put a lot of thought
into this...

and I think that I would like you
to sign a prenuptial agreement.

- A prenup?
- Yeah.

What's so funny?

You don't have any money.
I make more money than you do.

Yeah, give me the papers,
I'll sign them.

A prenup.

Excuse me.

Jerry.

- Hey, Jeannie.
- Hello.

- Remember I told you about the bank?
- Yeah.

Well, I went in there
and they said, "hey."

"Hey" is the same as "hello."
What do you think?

Yeah, I think it's the same thing.

Oh, big surprise.

- Delivery from Melody Stationers.
- Oh, those are the invitations.

- Just sign here.
- Yeah.

Thank you.

- See you later.
- Oh, these are so cheap.

Don't forget tomorrow.
We're shopping for rings...

so don't make any plans.
And this time we're not skimping.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Jeannie left?
- Yeah, she's coming to see...

- my act tonight.
- Oh, yeah? Well, that's nice.

I'm sure that's right up her alley.

- What's with you?
- Nothing.

- Something on your mind?
- No.

- Looks like there is.
- No.

Come on, something's
on your mind. Out with it.

I don't like her!

- You don't like her?
- That's right.

I don't like her.
I never liked her from the get-go.

- What's wrong with her?
- Everything she thinks, you think.

Everything you think, she thinks.
No, I can't take it.

I can't take it, Jerry.
It's too much. It's too much.

If you can't take her,
maybe you can't take me.

- So that's how it's gonna be?
- That's how it's gonna be.

Oh, God help us!

Awful.

- Can I help you?
- Yeah.

I was in here the other day,
and I went up to that teller...

and he didn't say "hello."

Well, then you are entitled to $100.
That's our policy.

Yeah, but he wouldn't
give me the money.

Jim, can I see you for a second?

- Yes, can you give me a minute?
- Yeah.

He'll be right over.

What is this, oak?

- I think it's pine.
- Pine is good.

Yeah, pine's okay.

- You wanted to see me?
- Yeah.

Jim, the man here
says he came in the other day...

- you didn't say "hello."
- No, that's not true.

I said "hey." You know,
like a friendly greeting, "hey."

- Yeah, but that's not "hello."
- That's a tough one.

Let me bring
some other people in on this.

Barbara, Jane, Mike,
can I see you, please?

- How you doing?
- What's happening?

What's up?

Can you excuse us
for just one minute? Just one minute.

Thanks.

How's it going?

Thanks. Thanks, everybody.

Sir, have a seat.

Well, we've discussed this.
Here's the feeling.

You got a greeting. It starts with an H.
How's 20 bucks sound?

- I'll take it.
- All right, sir.

Will you marry me?

I would like to propose a toast...
Wait a second!

George! George Costanza,
come in here!

- Georgie boy.
- George, big news.

- I'm getting married.
- Married? What?

September 21st, first day of autumn.
Leaves changing, beautiful colours.

- All that crap.
- You see?

- I kept up my end of the pact.
- Oh, good for you.

- And look, champagne.
- Hey.

- To our future wives.
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

This has been quite a night.
I could sure use a cup of coffee.

Hey, what's the deal with decaf?

How do they get the caffeine
out of there?

- And then where does it go?
- I don't know.

That's a shame.

- I'll just have a cup of coffee.
- Bowl of corn flakes.

More cereal?
That's your third bowl today.

- You had it for breakfast and lunch.
- Hey. So, what's the deal with brunch?

If it's a combination
of breakfast and lunch...

how come there's no "lupper,"
or no "linner"?

Hey!

Frank just called me.
Congratulations.

- Thanks. Thanks.
- Look, I'm sorry about before.

- I'm sure I'll learn to like her, Jerry.
- Yeah, yeah.

Come on, come on.
What's the matter?

I think I may have
made a big mistake.

- Oh, come on.
- No, all of a sudden it hit me.

I realized what the problem is.

I can't be with someone like me.

I hate myself!

I need to be with someone
the complete opposite of me.

It's too much, Kramer.
I can't take it! I can't take it!

It's too bad you got engaged.

Yeah, too bad.

Hello? Oh, hey, George.

What? Really?

I'll call Elaine.
We'll meet you down there.

- What happened?
- They took Susan to the hospital.

- So she was just lying there?
- Yeah.

- I wonder what happened.
- I don't know.

There's the doctor.

Excuse me, are you the husband?

- Well, not yet. Fianc?.
- Yes. Well, I'm sorry.

She's gone.

What's that?

She expired.

Are you sure?

Yes, of course.

So...

she's dead?

Yes.

Let me ask you...

had she been exposed
to any kind of inexpensive glue?

- Why?
- We found traces...

of a certain toxic adhesive...

commonly found
in very low-priced envelopes.

Well, she was sending out
our wedding invitations.

That's probably what did it.

We were expecting
about 200 people.

Well, thank you, doctor.

She's...

gone.

Dead?

I'm so sorry, George.

Yeah, me too.

Poor Lilly.

- Susan.
- Susan.

- How did it happen?
- Apparently the glue...

in the wedding invitations was...

toxic.

Well, that's weird.

So I guess...

- you're not getting married.
- Yeah.

But....

- Yeah?
- Well, now I'm engaged.

Yeah?

Well, I thought
we'd both be getting married.

Hey, what can I tell you?

All right.

Well, let's get some coffee.

We had a pact!

Yes, I'd like to speak
with Marisa Tomei, please.

Marisa, hi. It's George Costanza.

I'm the short, funny, quirky
bald man you met a little while ago.

Yeah, I was just calling
because I wanted you to know...

that I'm not engaged anymore.

Well, she died.

Toxic glue
from the wedding invitations.

Well, we were expecting
about 200 people.

Yeah.

Anyway, I've got the
funeral tomorrow but...

my weekend is
pretty wide open...

and, you know,
I was wondering... Hello?

Hello?