Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 7, Episode 17 - The Friars Club - full transcript

The other thing I love is when
you're in the middle of a dream...

and your alarm goes off, you
incorporate the sound into the dream...

so you can keep sleeping.

And you'll make any adjustment
in the dream to do it.

I was with Marie Antoinette
in a dream last night.

And she was on the guillotine,
the blade came down...

her head fell in the basket,
rolled over...

and she started singing
Neil Diamond's "Solitary Man."

And I thought,
"That is not my alarm going off.

This is actually happening."

It's June! Hey!



It's June! It's June, June, June!

It's June! June! June!

It's June!

June! June, baby!

- What?
- The catering hall screwed up.

The wedding is delayed until June.

- It's like a stay of execution.
- Dead man walking.

This is my lucky day.

Well, one out of 20,000.
That's not bad.

Yeah. Hey, wait a second.
You know, good news for you too.

Susan's friend, Hallie,
broke up with her boyfriend.

- She did?
- Yeah.

- So? Wheels?
- In motion.

- The wheels are in motion.
- Beautiful.



Hey, if this works out, forget about it.

Vacations together, movies together,
dinner together.

It's almost as good
as if I didn't get married.

Set it up. We can have
dinner at the Friars Club.

- The Friars Club?
- I'm thinking of joining.

Pat Cooper said he would
put me up for membership.

Hey. Listen, do me a favor, will you?
I got a hot date tonight with Connie.

Wake me up in 20 minutes,
all right?

- Catnap?
- No, no, no, no. This is evolutionary.

I've been reading this book
on Leonardo da Vinci.

See, that means "from Vinci."
Did you know that?

- Must be some book.
- Yeah.

Well, it turns out that the master slept
only 20 minutes every three hours.

That works to two and a half
extra days...

that I'm awake per week,
every week.

Which means if I live to be 80, I will
have lived the equivalent of 105 years.

Not to mention how much
you'll accomplish.

- I got a lot in the hopper.
- Didn't know you had one.

Oh, I got a hopper. A big hopper.

All right, people...

I'd like to begin with a hearty
"hail and well met, good fellow"...

to Bob Grossberg,
joining us from Business Affairs.

Thanks. Hi, everybody.

Bob, we have a little baptism by fire
for you, so to speak.

Poor bastard.

You handle all the fact-checking
and copyediting...

for the new catalog.

Could you repeat that?

Why don't you handle
all the copyediting?

- I'm sorry. What?
- Copyediting.

Never mind.

Elaine, you do it.

Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld. Pat Cooper
made a reservation for me.

Yes, Mr. Seinfeld,
but all gentlemen are required...

to wear jackets
in the dining room.

Oh, I'm sorry.

How embarrassing
this must be for you.

You just bought your own dinner.

- No problem. Please, follow me.
- Excuse me.

Funny. Isn't he funny? Funny guy.

Friars.

Hey, not bad.
I kind of like this little thing here.

- It's nice.
- This way, please.

Here we go. Here we go.

Come on.

I'm telling you, I can coach
in the NFL. It's not that hard.

That might be the stupidest thing
you've ever said.

- Get out of here.
- Come on.

No, the stupidest thing was when you
said Steve Kroft from 60 Minutes...

is the guy from Seals & Croft.

Watch the videos.
I'm telling you, look at them.

Oh, come on.

This is nice.

- Morning.
- Morning?

- Yeah, what time is it?
- Ten-thirty.

See, I got the whole night
ahead of me.

- Boy, that's a nice jacket.
- Oh, I don't believe this.

I forgot to give it back.
It belongs to the Friars Club.

Yeah, I like that crest.

All right.

- Breakfast?
- Oh, yeah.

Most important meal of the day.

- This da Vinci sleep is working?
- I'm percolating, Jerry.

I tell you, I have never felt so fertile.
I'm mossy, Jerry. My brain is mossy.

Listen to this idea;

A restaurant that serves
only peanut butter and jelly.

- What do you call it?
- PB and J's.

- What do you think?
- I think you need more sleep.

So how'd your date
work out with Connie?

I am telling you,
this woman is strange.

She never wants to leave
the apartment.

It's like she doesn't wanna
be seen with me.

- Now you're being ridiculous.
- Yeah.

- No milk?
- Oh, I'll be back.

Jerry?

Hey, Jerry.

Come on, buddy.

Kramer.

- Are you awake?
- Why? What time is it?

- It's 4.
- Four in the morning?

Yeah.

- What's wrong with you?
- I'm bored.

All this free time, I don't know what
to do. You wanna do something?

No. Would you just get out?

- Well, you wanna rent a movie?
- No.

Well, what am I gonna do?

- Ready for lunch?
- I'm stuck here...

editing the stupid catalog
because of stupid Bob Grossberg.

Listen, there's something
really suspicious about this guy.

Every time Mr. Peterman
tries to assign him any work...

he says he can't hear.
And it all gets dumped on me.

- You think he's faking?
- I don't know.

I'd like to try that earpiece,
see if it's real.

Hey, Elaine.

Oh, you have a friend.

Just wanted to say hi.

Bob, you know what?

I'm kind of swamped here. Could you
give me a hand with the catalog?

- I'm sorry. What?
- I'm kind of swamped.

Thank you.

I'm having lunch with Mr. P.

I better get going.

Did you see that?
Did you see that, Jerry?

- That was him?
- Yes.

- Somehow I thought he'd be taller.
- All right. Listen.

We'll have to do this some other time.
I got work to do.

- See you later.
- All right.

Hey, Bob.

Bob?

Hey, Bobby, over here.

Bob?

Oh, Bob?

Bob?

Hey.

- Elaine.
- Hi.

I was just in the bathroom.

Okay, Jerry, please, please.
I'm really busy here.

No, no. I was in the bathroom
with Bob.

- So what?
- No, I kind of tried to test his hearing.

Get out! What did you do?

I snuck up behind him at the urinal,
tried to see if he could hear me.

- And?
- Well, he flinched sort of.

What do you mean, sort of?
What did he do?

Well, he kind of moved his head,
you know?

But it might have been
on the zip-up.

- So you don't know anything?
- Actually, no.

- All right. Good job.
- Right.

Come in.

Last night, huh? Was that something
or was that something?

- That was something.
- She's great, isn't she?

Fantastic. Fantastic woman.

- I told you.
- I'm nuts about her.

Do you think she could be an it?

- She could be.
- We might have an it!

- "lt" written all over her.
- She's got everything.

She's intelligent, smart,
got a great sense of humor.

- I don't know. I didn't really talk to her.
- She's smart.

- You take my word for it.
- Whatever.

We could be like the Gatsbys.

Didn't they always have
a bunch of people around...

and they were all best friends?

- That doesn't sound right.
- No.

Tonight she's got tickets
for that show she's working on...

- The Flying Sandos Brothers.
- Flying Sandos, beautiful.

Great, 7:30, all right?

- Walk me down to the Friars.
- Sure.

So, Jerry, there's an empty apartment
in my building.

If you and Hallie want,
we could try to hold it maybe.

- It's not here.
- What?

The jacket. It's not here.
It's gotta be here.

Oh, boy.

Thanks for that 4 a.m.
wake-up call last night.

Where the hell is that jacket?

- Oh, the one with the crest?
- Yeah.

- That's at the cleaner's.
- The cleaner's? How did it get there?

Well, I borrowed it last night...

- and it got a little dirty.
- Great.

Somehow I dozed off
and woke up in a pile of garbage.

Somehow? You've had an hour
and 20 minutes sleep in three days.

Well, so look, the cleaner's said
you could pick it up tonight at 6.

All right. I just hope I can get it
to the Friars before the show.

Won't be a problem,
don't worry about it.

Hey.

- Hey!
- Watch out, boy.

Can you give us a hand
with some of these boxes, Bob?

Bob?

I want you so bad, Bob.

You turn me on so much.

You're so damn sexy.

I'm starting to unbutton.

Anything getting through? Bob?

- They perform all over. Europe mostly.
- European tours.

- Sorry. Sorry I'm late.
- Hey, Jerry.

- You're wearing the jacket?
- It wasn't ready on time.

- I have to return it after the show.
- Sure, sure, sure.

How about these seats?
Are these fantastic, huh?

I feel like Lincoln.

Well, let's hope this evening
turns out a little better.

So are you sure you don't
wanna go to the movies?

No, Cosmo. I like
just being here with you.

Well, it's....

It's a bold adventure, huh?

This is risky business, huh?

I'm all atwitter.

How would you kind people like
to lend me a hand with our next trick?

- I don't think so.
- Please, take off your jacket.

- My jacket?
- Yes, the jacket.

What do you say,
ladies and gentlemen?

You can't argue with that.

- Come on.
- Do it.

- Come on, Jerry. Do it!
- Give him the jacket. Go ahead.

All right.

And now we say the magic word;

And we make it disappear.

Oh, Cosmo.

Cosmo.

Oh, Cosmo.

Honey, can you move a little?
This hurts.

Cosmo?

Oh, my God. Cosmo, wake up.

Cosmo?

Oh, my God. He's dead.

He's dead.

Yeah, Tommy, this is Connie.
You gotta help me.

Some guy dropped dead
on top of me.

I can't call the cops
because Joey might find out.

I can't. I'm stuck.
You gotta help me.

This is very exciting.
The inner sanctum here.

Hi, I was in the audience earlier.
You threw my jacket.

- I just wanted to pick it up.
- Jacket?

- What jacket?
- I had a jacket with a crest on it.

You came into the audience,
you threw it away.

Are you sure it was me?

- It was you or one of your brothers.
- Well, two of them have left already.

- No.
- It doesn't even belong to me.

- It belongs to the Friars Club.
- Sorry.

- Jerry, I'm sure it'll turn up.
- I'm sure it won't.

Don't worry. I'll get the jacket back.

There you go.
She's gonna get the jacket back.

So let's go get some coffee, huh?

- I'm a little tired. I think I'll go home.
- Oh, that's too bad.

Yeah, we'll do it another time.

George, we'll go.

Broke a shoelace today.

I can get you shoelaces tomorrow.

Okay.

So, what color?

Brown.

Maybe a black.

- More coffee?
- No, check. Please.

That nut is always up to something.

Hey! Hey!

Mama!

No!

Help!

Help!

Elaine, I think I've been working you
a little too hard lately.

So I have two tickets for you to The
Flying Sandos Brothers magic show.

It is a real hoot.

- Well, thank you, Mr. Peterman.
- The tickets are for tonight...

so you and Bob can knock off
a little early so you both can get ready.

Mr. Peterman, you...

There's no need to deny it, Elaine.

I heard every word you said.

And I know you wouldn't be
just having fun with his handicap.

That kind of cruelty
would be grounds for dismissal.

Of course, Mr. Peterman.

Tell him I'll come down
and talk to him. Okay. Bye.

Well, that was the Friars Club.

Think they're gonna let
a jacket stealer join? I don't think so.

They're gonna charge me
$800 for the jacket...

and I gotta deal with Pat Cooper.

What kind of show
is that Sandos Brothers?

They take your jacket and just
throw it? I never heard of that.

It was a little unusual.

So Susan and I were thinking dinner
at our house Saturday night.

- Just the four of us.
- No, I don't think so.

- Why not?
- I don't know. I'm a little turned off.

Come on,
what are you talking about?

I'm.... I'm kind of soured.

- You're soured?
- Yeah, I'm soured.

- Don't be soured.
- I'm sorry. I'm soured.

Are you kidding?
We were getting along.

Where is this coming from?

Frankly, I didn't think she was
concerned about my jacket.

What are you talking about?
She's very concerned.

- She said she was gonna get it back.
- Yeah, we'll see.

If she gets it back, then you'll have
no reason to be sour.

You'll de-sour, right?

- I'll try and de-sour.
- That's not good enough.

You don't try and de-sour.
You have to sweeten too.

I'll try. I'll try and de-sour
and sweeten.

I wanna get it back
to when we were the Gatsbys.

- I still don't know what that means.
- Yeah.

God.

- Oh, my God, what happened to you?
- She tried to kill me, Jerry.

- Who?
- Connie!

- What did she do?
- I don't know.

But I woke up
in the Hudson River in a sack!

I think she drugged me. But she's
a murderer, and I'm calling the cops.

Why would she try and kill you?

Well, isn't it obvious? She doesn't
want anybody else to have me.

- Hey, there's Uncle Miltie.
- Yeah, it is.

And there's David Steinberg.

- The comedian or the manager?
- The manager.

Hey, there's Pat. Hey, Pat.

What went wrong?
What's the matter with you?

- What, are you a kleptomaniac?
- I forgot to take it off.

You forgot to take it off?

Oh, you go into a department store,
you put a suit on and walk right out.

- What, are you some sort of an idiot?
- I'm sorry.

- Where's the jacket?
- One of the Gypsies took it.

Oh, the Gypsies took it.

Of course,
New York has a lot of Gypsies.

- On every block, there's a Gypsy.
- Well, it's true. I saw it.

Excuse me, are you an entertainer?

- Are you in show business?
- No, l...

Then what am I talking to you for?
Bring the jacket back tomorrow.

All right.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Look at that guy.

Isn't that guy from the show?
He's wearing the jacket.

- Oh, my God. You're right.
- Come on.

Wait a second.
Excuse me, gentlemen.

- Are you members?
- I'm a prospective member.

Until then, that's the way out.

- That guy has my jacket.
- Let's go.

Excuse me. The guy is wearing
a jacket that my...

- Come on.
- Let's go.

- If I could talk to the guy...
- Hey!

These seats are fantastic.

It was nice of Mr. Peterman
to give us these tickets.

Yeah. Yeah, it was nice.

Yeah...

we got our own little private box
here, don't we?

Get off of me. Stop it.

Stop it. Get off of me!

Get ahold of yourself!
Bob, get ahold of yourself!

I don't know how that guy
gave us the slip.

He probably went out the back.

Hey, it's you.

- That's my Friars Club jacket.
- No, it is not. This is my jacket.

No, no, that's my jacket. Give it back.
Come on. I need this jacket.

I wanna join.
I need it to become a member.

Help! Help!

What is he yelling about?
They're stealing.

I can't believe it.

- Hey, George, you know what?
- What?

I think this crest is different.

It's got a moose on it.

- Moose?
- Yeah.

- I don't think this is the jacket.
- No, it's not.

This is the jacket.

She got the jacket back. Thank you.

It got dirty, so they wanted to clean it
before they gave it back to you.

- That's nice of them.
- That is nice.

- This is nice.
- Yeah.

Let's call Susan.
We'll go have coffee.

I'll see you at the wedding.

Great. Now she's sour.

- Maybe she'll sweeten.
- She won't sweeten. And I'm bitter.

There they are!

Here. Here, we'll leave it
there for you.

That's her, officer.

Kramer. Oh, my God.
I thought you were...

What, sleeping with the fishes?
I guess I woke up.

You're under arrest for the
attempted murder of Cosmo Kramer.

- I didn't do anything.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

- Get your coat. We gotta take you in.
- Can I call my lawyer?

Okay. Go ahead.

Meet me at the police station. They're
arresting me for attempted murder.

- Attempted murder? Of who?
- This guy, Kramer.

- Cosmo Kramer?
- Yeah, that's right.

I don't want nothing to do with it.