Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 7, Episode 16 - The Doll - full transcript

The pilot always comes on
with his little announcements;

"I'm going over this.
I'm going over that.

I'm taking a left. I'm bringing it up.
I'm taking it down.

I'm going right. I'm going this way.
Going that way."

And we're back there,
"Yeah, that's all fine.

Just do whatever the hell you gotta do.
I don't know what the hell is going on."

Do I bother him? Do I go knocking
on the cockpit door?

"I'm having the peanuts now.

Just thought you might
like to know what we're doing."

Thank you. Good night.

- Jerry!
- Hey, hey.



Sally Weaver. Susan Ross' roommate
from college?

- Hello?
- Right. Oh, I'm sorry.

- Oh, so you saw the show?
- Saw it? I loved it.

And thank you for the free tickets.
You are so funny.

- Oh, thanks.
- No, no, I mean it.

- You're very funny.
- I believe you.

Well, anyway, let me
show you Memphis.

- I am taking you out to dinner.
- Oh, I'm sorry, I can't...

- I'm going straight to the airport.
- Oh, that's too bad.

Susan thought we'd really get along.
I guess because we're both wacko.

You know what, you have to
give this to them for me. Okay?

Here, it's a wedding present.

Oh, and Jerry, be careful with it,
okay? Be very careful.

George, as you may be aware...



your mother and I are not
moving to Del Boca Vista, Florida.

- I am aware.
- I was wondering, would it be okay...

if I turned your room
into a billiard parlor?

A billiard parlor?

Regulation table with a hi-fi,
maybe even a bar.

Give it some real authenticity.

- Well, that's... Elaine.
- Oh, hi, Frank.

- Sit down. Join us, please.
- Actually, I've gotta get to the thing.

The thing's canceled. Sit down.

Okay.

So, Frank, did George
ever show you that photo?

What photo?

The photo I took in Tuscany
of the man in front of the sign...

- that said Costanza.
- There's a Costanza in Tuscany?

Did he look like me?
Did you talk to him?

I didn't talk to anyone. I was just
walking by and saw the sign.

I thought George
might get a kick out of it.

I gotta get that picture.

- It could be my cousin, Carlo.
- Who is that?

When the Costanzas came here,
one brother stayed behind.

I played with his son every day
until the age of 4...

- when we were separated.
- So you weren't born here?

No. That's why
I could never be president.

It always hurt me.

That's why, even at an early age,
I had no interest in politics.

I refuse to vote. They don't want me,
I don't want them!

I don't know why
you're getting riled up.

There's probably
a million Costanzas...

Don't bring me down.

- You have another copy of that photo?
- No, I don't.

- But, well, the Maestro might.
- The Maestro? What Maestro?

He's this guy
that I went to Tuscany with.

He's a great guy, but I just wouldn't
feel comfortable calling him.

Really? Why?

Because he hasn't called me
since we got back.

I spilled wine on this 8-by-10 photo of
one of his favorite ltalian opera stars.

Who?

- You know the Three Tenors?
- Yeah, Pavarotti, Domingo...

- and the other guy.
- The other guy.

Can I take that box for you?

Well, you better not.
I'm supposed to be careful with it.

Then I'll have to put your bag
in the overhead.

Oh, okay.

There we go.

- Oh, look at this.
- What?

I bought a bottle
of barbecue sauce in Memphis.

I think the stewardess broke it...

when she jammed it in the overhead
because of this stupid thing.

Don't press the panic button.

I'm sure that we can
still salvage some sauce.

I don't care about the sauce.

It came in this funny bottle
and there was a guy on the label...

- Iooked exactly like Charles Grodin.
- I see.

No, you don't see. Because I'm going
on the show this week...

and this was gonna be
my bit on the show.

- Why don't you do your material?
- I'm out.

Boy, you better get to work.

Thanks for the tip.

- Hey, buddies.
- Hey. Hey, this is for you.

It's from Susan's roommate, Sally.

Oh, yeah, Sally called Susan.

- Said you guys really hit it off.
- Nobody hit anything off.

She just gave me the box.

- What the hell are you doing?
- Well, I'm salvaging the sauce.

What's the matter with you?

Hey, hey, hey, come on. Come on.

Jerry, why don't you do a bit
on Styrofoam?

- Like what?
- You know, "What is all this stuff?

Why do we need this stuff?

And why do they make them
so small?"

Where's the punch line?

It's all attitude.

This is certainly a crappy gift.

A doormat?

That's what she had me lug up
from Memphis?

Pretty chintzy, huh?
Considering the money she makes.

She's a big executive
for Federal Express.

Federal Express?

Is she out of her mind?
Why didn't she just ship it?

Look, it's personalized.
"The Costanzas."

No. No, forget it. I don't want it.
Let's just get rid of it.

Maybe your father
would be interested in that.

I doubt it.
You know what he's doing now?

He's putting a pool table
in my old bedroom.

Oh, yeah? Maybe I'll go out there and
knock a few balls around with him.

You know, show him a thing or two.

So, what's your game?
What do you like to play?

- Eight ball.
- No, nothing doing.

Let's you and me
play a game of straight pool.

You like to gamble, Cosmo?

Yeah, now and then.
You know how it is.

- Five dollars a game, huh?
- I'll break.

Okay.

That's it. That's it. Seven.

What's...? What's all this?

Oh, I'm just moving in
some more of my stuff.

More of her stuff.

Oh, I put up my doll collection.

Oh, my God.

- What is that?
- What? What is it?

This doll looks like my mother.

- George, it's a doll.
- I know it's a doll.

But it looks like my mother.

Oh, get out of here.

- Seven, low.
- What's going on in here?

Are you two still playing?
You've been up here three hours.

- We haven't finished the first game.
- First game?

Well, we're still learning
the subtleties of the table.

He knows the Maestro.
He could have the picture.

Oh, forget about it.
It's not your cousin.

You don't know that!

- We gonna go see him, huh?
- As soon as the game is over.

- Oh, boy.
- Eleven, the corner pocket.

What is this thing doing here?

Oh, I used to love to sleep
with my dolls when I was a little girl.

I'm sorry, I can't do this.

- Why?
- I feel like I'm in bed with my mother.

Stop it.

Hey, Elaine, you have to buy this
new electric toothbrush I just got.

- The Oro-Dent.
- Oh, yeah?

Every time you use it, you feel like
you just came from the dentist.

That's dynamite.

Wanna come see me on
The Charles Grodin Show tomorrow?

- Who else is on the show?
- One of the Three Tenors.

- The Three Tenors? Which one?
- It's not Pavarotti, it's not Domingo...

- The other guy?
- Yeah, the other guy.

My God, I can't believe the other guy
is gonna be on the show.

- Why?
- I ruined this autographed picture...

of him that belonged to the Maestro.
You think I could go?

- I could get his autograph?
- Why not?

The other guy.

Hey, you look awful.

I'm on no sleep, bro.

- Problem in the bedroom?
- Susan has this doll collection.

One of the dolls looks
exactly like my mother.

She likes to sleep with it.

You were in bed with your mother
last night?

It felt like it.

I tell you, this doll is pretty spooky.

It's really freaking me out, man.

And now I gotta go back out there
and pick up this doormat.

- I thought you didn't want the doormat.
- I don't.

Susan wants to have it out
when Sally comes tomorrow.

- Sally?
- Yeah.

Wait a minute.
She's coming to New York?

- Yeah, Susan said you'd be excited.
- Excited?

I'm gonna kill her.
She knew she was coming here...

- and she made me carry that box?
- Who is Sally?

- Susan's college roommate.
- It's her fault that bottle broke...

that I was gonna give
to Charles Grodin.

Call her and tell her
to bring you another one.

- She'll be delighted to talk to you.
- Oh, I will. Don't worry.

I'll have her bring up
a whole case of the stuff.

It'll be really heavy. Let's see
if she likes sitting on a plane...

- with a big box on her lap.
- That sounds pretty juvenile.

Hey, a dinosaur!

His name was Carlo Costanza.

We played together
every day until I was 4.

If I could look at your photos,
maybe I can recognize him.

Unfortunately, those photographs
are at home.

If you bring them by, maybe we
could interest you in a game of pool.

Frank here,
he's got his own billiard room.

Yes, it's... It's...
What do you call it, Kramer?

- It's a billiard room.
- No.

- The name?
- The billiard...

Not billiard... Not the billiards...
It was...

Come on, already. Come on.

- We call it the...
- The place to be.

The place to be!
Yes, it's the place to be.

Then I shall be there.

Now, gentlemen, if you will excuse me,
I must prepare for the symphony.

- Oh, yeah.
- Right.

My pants.

It's an old conductor's trick
I learned from Leonard Bernstein.

- Really?
- You keep a perfect crease...

by not sitting in them
before the performance.

That is....

That's good thinking.

You see?

You see?

It doesn't look exactly like her.

Jerry, come on.
If my mother keeps shrinking...

this is exactly what she's
gonna look like in 10 years.

- Why don't you just get rid of it?
- I tried.

I almost threw it down the incinerator.
But I couldn't do it.

The guilt was too overwhelming.
Susan's so attached to it.

Well, where you going?
Don't take your dolly and go home.

Hi, Elaine.

- Did you see that?
- I'm just glad it's out of here.

- What's that?
- Oh, it's a poster of the Three Tenors.

- Yeah.
- It's Sally.

Did you bring
the barbecue sauce?

- A whole case.
- Excellent.

Did you buy that electric toothbrush
I told you about?

- No.
- How come? I told you, it's fantastic.

- Yeah, I like mine.
- I've had yours.

I'm telling you, this one is 10 times
better. Don't you believe me?

- I don't want it.
- I don't understand.

Why not get something that's better
if I'm telling you it's better?

And it's not a little better.
It's much better.

It doesn't matter to me.

Come in.

Well, here I am.

- Oh, hi. Elaine, this is Sally.
- Hi.

- How was your flight? Uncomfortable?
- The seat next to me was empty...

so there was no problem at all.

Wait. This isn't the sauce
that I asked for.

That's right.
It's a special gourmet sauce.

The pride of Memphis.

No, I wanted the one with the guy on it
that looks like Charles Grodin.

This is much better.
And frankly, in Memphis...

we think that other sauce
is kind of a joke.

I know it's a joke.
It's supposed to be a joke.

Now I'm going on The Charles
Grodin Show with nothing.

- Nothing!
- You could just do your material.

- I don't have any material!
- He's got nothing!

Georgie, don't eat with your hands.

Why do you eat so fast?
You can't even taste it!

Don't tell me how to eat.

Still wearing that shirt?
You've had it for five years already.

Why don't you buy a new shirt?

Because I like this one.

Come on, let's go.

Let's go.

Oh, hi, Deena.

That man should really be
in a sanitarium.

Oh, this is remarkable.
I'm lounging...

and yet my pants remain
perfectly creased.

It's him. It's Carlo Costanza.

- Come on. Are you sure?
- I'd know him anywhere.

I've seen that man in Tuscany.
Eccentric fellow.

Reputation of being
kind of a village idiot.

I still say we're related.

Oh, I love this piece.

Come on, Frank, it's your shot.

- I can't make anything.
- Because you don't know...

- how to follow through correct.
- Follow through?

Here, let me show you.
Take hold of your stick.

- Yeah, I got it.
- Get down. Bring it back slowly.

It's a little unnatural,
but I think I'm getting the hang of it.

Oh, my God.

I'm such an idiot. I was gonna do
this whole bit on that bottle.

- Now I got nothing to talk about.
- Have you ever considered writing...

new material?

Maybe if I didn't have so many people
in my apartment all the time...

I'd be able
to get some work done.

- Me? Are you talking about me?
- No, you're never here.

- That doll was really freaky, wasn't it?
- Yeah, really.

Hey, maybe I could talk about that
on the show.

- What?
- Show the doll. Show a picture...

of George's mother. It's pretty funny.
I'm gonna call him.

- Hello?
- Hello, Susan, it's Jerry.

Hi, Jerry, it's Sally.

Is George there?

- No, but he should be home soon.
- This is important.

Tell him to meet me at the TV studio
with a picture of his mother...

- and that doll that looks like her.
- Is this for your comedy routine?

- Yes.
- Don't worry, I'm on the case.

I think I'll get some air.

Yeah.

This is no good.

Hey, the baton.

Yeah, I've got a hunch, fat man,
I can't miss. Thirteen, in the side.

Giddyup.

Six, in the corner.

This table's mine.

You know where it's going.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Is George here?
- Not yet.

The other guy.

It's...

you. It's really you.

I'm such a huge fan of yours.

Would you mind
signing this poster for me?

- My pleasure.
- Oh, thank you so much.

Here you go.

Thank you so much, Mr. Camaro.

Mr. Casea.

Well, whatever.

I'm gonna take this to the Maestro.

He's playing at
the Queens Convalescent Center.

Yeah, that's a hell of a gig.
Hey, look, I got something for you.

The Oro-Dent.

Thank you.

What...? Why does a toothbrush
come in such a big box?

Well, it's a delicate mechanism,
it needs a lot of packing.

How am I supposed to carry
this thing?

- What are you doing?
- Well, I wanna sit down.

- So?
- It's a trick I just learned from Kramer.

Keeps a crease in the pants.

Madam, you have been
an extremely gracious hostess.

Thank you, Maestro.

- Here, take a look at this.
- Yeah, what is it?

It's Carlo. I found him.

You've been cooped up
in this room too long.

You never support me! Let's see
what George says about this.

Where are my pants?

Oh, beautiful.

- Hey there, Mr. Hairy Legs.
- Where's George?

Don't worry, I brought your doll.

No, that's the wrong doll.

Jerry, I saw the doll you were
talking about. Not funny.

This doll is much funnier. Look,
it has a bow tie and a cute little hat.

I think it's a riot.

This is a nightmare.

Well, I'll be watching.
Don't screw up.

Too much sauce.

- My pants!
- Mr. Seinfeld, you're on.

Elaine. What a surprise.

I know you're very busy, but I just
wanted to come by and give you this.

Oh, Oro-Dent, that electric toothbrush.
I've heard so much about it.

No, no, no. Not the toothbrush.
This.

What a sweet gesture.
An autographed poster...

of my favorite tenor
with those two other guys.

Oh, Elaine, this is magnifico.

I just felt so bad
about what happened in Tuscany...

Maestro, you're on.

Elaine, wait for me
after the concert.

- We'll celebrate.
- Oh, okay.

I wanna know why you took
my doll out of the house.

I just wanted a second opinion.

Take a look at this. Does that
look like my flesh and blood?

- Of course, your mother...
- Oh, stop bothering everybody...

with that picture. It's ridiculous.

Ridiculous? I'll show you ridiculous!
Come here!

No, Mr. Costanza... No!

There.

Now what have you got
to say for yourself?

I told you it looked like her.

Carlo. It's me, Frank.

I'm your cousin, Frank.
Aren't you Carlo?

Carlo? No.

What do you know?

All right. I guess I was wrong.