Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 7, Episode 15 - The Shower Head - full transcript

You get to a certain
point with your parents

where, really, the only thing
you can do with them is eat.

You can't talk anymore,

but you wanna at least try
and keep your mouths moving.

And they're so anxious for
it, you know. You come in.

"How was the plane?
You must be hungry."

You know, "How did you
sleep? Ready for breakfast?"

My mother will argue
with me about what I like.

"Can I have a piece
of pumpkin pie?"

"You don't like pumpkin pie."

"Yes, I do." "Since when?"



"What's the difference?
Can I have it?"

"No. I have never seen you
eat a piece of pumpkin pie."

Mr. Peterman

sent me over
here for a physical,

because as you
may or may not know,

he and I are going
on a trip to Kenya.

Africa.

It's my first such
mission for the company.

The Masai Bushmen
wear these great sandals,

and we're gonna knock 'em off.

Not the Masai, the sandals.

I'll need a urine sample.

Right.

Africa?



Do you know how
hot it gets there?

Like, 150 degrees.

Your skin is gonna be
simmering with boils.

Oh, come on.

Hey, George, You coming
to The Tonight Show?

Yeah, yeah. My parents
wanna come too, is that okay?

Sure. My parents will be there.

The Tonight Show?

Yeah, they're in
town. You wanna go?

Are you doing new material?

No. I don't think so.

Hey, the super's in my bathroom
changing my showerhead.

Have they changed
your showerhead?

No, he's doin' mine next.

They're low-flow, you know.

Low-flow?

Well, I don't like
the sound of that.

So, what are your parents
doing here in New York?

Well, they were humiliated.

After the impeachment,

my father left
office in disgrace.

So, what are their plans?

Well, this is the problem.

They're moving into
this new development.

Here's the pamphlet.

"Del Boca Vista."

But they're not quite
ready to go back,

so they're in seclusion here
for a while at Uncle Leo's.

The three of them in
that tiny apartment?

No, Leo's not there.
He's got a girlfriend, Lydia.

In fact, he moved in with her.

Uncle Leo's having regular sex?

Yeah, I know, it
devalues the whole thing.

Hello.

Jerry, what time
do we have to be

at The Tonight Show on Thursday?

Uh, you gotta be there at 4:30.

But it comes on 11:30.

Yeah, well, they tape
it in the afternoon,

and then they air it at 11:30.

How long they been doin' this?

Thirty years.

Helen, did you know

that they tape this
thing in the afternoon?

All right. I'll see you later.

Georgie, how come your
parents never moved to Florida?

Yeah, that is odd, isn't it?

Yeah, it is.

I mean, they're retired.

There's no economic
reason for them to be here.

They have no friends.

No social reason
for them to be here.

You're all grown-up.

Yeah, they're
through ruining my life.

What the hell are
they still doing here?

Let me see this pamphlet.

Huh.

All right, I'll, uh...

I'll get back to you.

Hello?

Where can I buy some ice?

Your father likes a lot of ice.

I... dunno. Maybe
get an ice tray?

I can do that.

You know, Dad just called me.

Yeah, I know.

His phlebitis is acting up.

Yeah. All right. Well, I
got some people here.

Okay. All right, bye.

You see this? What?

Any thought pops
into their head,

they're calling me
because it's a local call now.

Ah.

I'm used to a
1200-mile buffer zone.

Uh-huh. I can't handle this.

Plus, I got the dinners,
I got the pop-ins.

They pop in. It... It's brutal.

They have no idea
when they're going back?

The only way out is if Leo
breaks up with his girlfriend

and has to move back in.

Then they would have
to go back to Florida.

How's that gonna happen?

It's about time you
called your uncle.

We gotta do this once a week.

Once a week?

So how's Lydia?

Oh, she's a real tiger.

I don't know how you do it.

What?

Well, a man like you

limiting yourself to one woman.

I don't know. It's
none of my business.

What are you talking about?

Well...

Look at this.

I told them medium
rare. It's medium.

It happens.

I bet that cook
is an anti-Semite.

He can't see you. He
has no idea who you are.

They don't just overcook
a hamburger, Jerry.

Fine. Anyway, the
point I was making

before Goebbels made
your hamburger here is this:

A man like you could be
dating women 20 years younger.

Come on, Uncle Leo,

I've seen the way
women look at you.

When's the last time
you looked in the mirror?

You're an Adonis.

You've got beautiful
features, lovely skin.

You're in the prime
of your life here.

You should be swingin'.

If I were you, I'd tell
this Lydia character,

"It's been real."

Move back into that bachelor
pad and put out a sign,

"Open for business."

Believe me, I thought about it.

But she is so
perfect in every way,

I-I can't see a flaw.

Well, keep looking.

Oh, hi, Mr. Peterman.

Do you realize how short
the Kalahari Bushmen are?

I'm gonna look like
a giant to those guys.

I'm afraid I have
some bad news, Elaine.

It appears you will not be
accompanying me to Africa.

What? Why not?

I'm afraid it's
your urine, Elaine.

You've tested
positive for opium.

Opium?

That's right, Elaine.

White Lotus. Yam-yam.

Shanghai Sally.

Well, that's impossible.

I've never done
a drug in my life.

Dr. Strugatz must
have made a mistake.

Not a chance.

I'm afraid I'll just have
to find someone else

to accompany me on my journey.

The Dark Continent is no
place for an addict, Elaine.

Obviously, Mr. Peterman,

there's something
wrong with this test.

I don't take opium.

Let me take another one,
please? I'll call the doctor right now.

I'll take a pop urine test.

All right, Elaine.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Peterman.

Mm...

I'll be ready in three minutes.

Whoo!

Boy, it's cold outside, huh?

Oh, these New York winters.

Bitter cold. Bitter!

I was out for five
minutes before.

I couldn't feel my extremities.

What extremities?

You know what the temperature
in Florida is today? Huh?

Seventy-nine.

That's almost 80.

Yeah, I read someplace,

the life expectancy
in Florida is 81.

And in Queens, 73.

So, George, why are you here?

What, I... can't stop
by and visit my, uh...?

My parents?

What's this?

That's where the
Seinfelds are moving.

They, uh... They
got a great deal.

Yeah?

You know what
they got in Florida?

Jai alai.

You bet on the
games, you clean up.

I don't bet.

Well, what about the dolphins?

You can swim with the dolphins.

I don't swim.

Well, you could pet them.

They come right out of the
water onto the sidewalks.

Are you trying to get rid of us?

"Rid"? Ma, come on.

The word is "care." "Care."

I care about your comfort.

Be it here in Queens

or 1200 miles away.

No?

Jerry.

Jerry!

Wha...? You too, huh?

Yeah.

These showers are
horrible. There's no pressure.

I can't get the shampoo out.

Me either.

If I don't have a good
shower, I am not myself.

I feel weak and ineffectual.

I'm not Kramer.

You? What about me? I
got The Tonight Show tonight.

I'm gonna have to shower
in the dressing room.

Where you going?

Well, I gotta find
another shower.

They got you too?

This is awful.

I'm not Newman.

Oh, Elaine. Yeah.

Kramer, you look terrible.

I need the keys
to your apartment.

I gotta take a shower.

What's wrong with your shower?

There's no water pressure.

Why didn't you go see Jerry?

Jerry's got nothing.
Newman's got nothing.

You're the only one I know
who's got the good stuff.

And I need it bad,
baby, because I feel

like I got bugs
crawling up my skin!

Now, you gotta help me out.

Not on my watch!

I won't have you
turning my office

into a den of iniquity!

What's wrong with you?
Get your fix somewhere else!

Go on, beat it!

Mr. Peterman!
What are you doing?!

Elaine, you're out of control.

You need help. Huh?

I know what you're
going through.

I too once fell under
the spell of opium.

It was 1979. I was
traveling the Yangtze

in search of a
Mongolian horsehair vest.

Oh, for God's sake.

I had got to the
market after sundown.

All of the clothing
traders had gone.

But a different sort of
trader still lurked about.

"Just a taste," he said.

That was all it took.

Mr. Peterman, I don't
know what's going on here.

I am not addicted to anything.

Oh, Elaine.

The toll road of denial is
a long and dangerous one.

The price? Your soul.

Oh, and by the way,

you have till 5:00 to
clear out your desk.

You're fired.

All they serve is chicken?

Uh, there's more
food down the hall.

Here, wrap it up.
We'll take it home.

Oh, hey.

Oh, hi.

Hello, Seinfelds.

Hello. Hi, Estelle.

This is your dressing room?
They treat you like Toscanini.

Oh, Jerry,

I don't know how
you can do this.

I'm so nervous for you.

Actually, I'm drunk.

Hey. Hey, how is Florida, huh?

We just bought a
new place down there.

I know. We were
looking at the brochure.

You what? Why, you
thinking of moving?

No, not really.

If you are, you shouldn't.

There's nothing available there.

Are you telling me there's
not one condo available

in all of Del Boca Vista?

That's right. They
went like hotcakes.

How'd you get yours? Got lucky.

Are you trying to keep
us out of Del Boca Vista?!

I know this doesn't seem
like work to any of you,

but if you'd conduct the
psychopath convention

down the hall...

so I could just get a
little personal space.

How could I have
tested positive twice?

Once, I can understand.
That's a mistake. But twice?

Yeah, it's hard to figure.

I mean, I've lost my
job. I can't go to Africa.

I was gonna meet the
Bushmen of the Kalahari.

The Bushmen?

And the Bushwomen.

Excuse me.

I couldn't help overhearing.

I notice you're eating a
poppy seed muffin there.

Yeah, I eat these
muffins all the time.

Well, you know what
opium is made from.

Poppies!

Welcome back. Talking
with Jerry Seinfeld.

Jerry, let me ask you, I
saw some people back there.

They look like family.
Is that family? Yeah.

I got some family
backstage. Yeah.

My family's nuts. They're crazy.

Yeah? Yeah.

My Uncle Leo,

I had lunch with
him the other day.

He's one of these guys
that anything goes wrong,

he blames it on anti-Semitism.

Know what I mean? The
spaghetti's not al dente?

Cook, anti-Semite.
Right there, yeah.

Loses a bet on a horse?
Secretariat, anti-Semitic.

Even the horse...
Even the animal.

The High Holy
Days in the temple?

Rabbi, anti-Semite.

Listen to this. My Uncle Leo
broke up with his girlfriend

because of my bit I did.

She thought it was funny,

so he accused her of
being an anti-Semite.

They had a huge fight, now he's
moving back into his apartment.

Know what this means? My
parents are gonna go back to Florida.

What?

What number is this?

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Hey, Kramer, my
parents are gonna

have to move back to
Florida. Isn't that great?

Yeah, well, I'm
really happy for you.

Hey, you're not
giving it to me, man.

What's wrong?

I just took a bath,
Jerry. A bath.

Huh. No good?

It's disgusting.

I'm sitting there in a
tepid pool of my own filth.

All kinds of microscopic
parasites and organisms

having sex all around me.

Well, you used to
sit in that hot tub.

Jerry, that was
super-heated water.

Nothing could live in that.

Chicken?

Oh, yeah.

Well, this you're
not gonna believe.

I found out why I was
testing positive for opium.

Poppy seeds!

Poppy seeds.

Yep, that makes sense.

Yeah.

Here you want some
chicken? Yeah, thanks.

So I'm gonna get
tested again later.

Hopefully I'll get my job back,

and I will be on
my way to Africa.

Hello, Newman.

Hello, Jerry.

Well, I may have a
solution to our little problem.

Elaine, will you excuse us?

Oh, come on, Newman.

I have a private
matter to discuss

with my fellow tenants.

If you don't mind?

Jerry...

Look, sister, go get yourself

a cup of coffee,
all right? Beat it.

All right.

Now, here's the lowdown.

Through a certain connection,

I've been able to locate some
black-market showerheads.

They're all made in
the former Yugoslavia.

And from what I hear,

the Serbs are fanatic
about their showers.

Not from the footage I've seen.

Nevertheless,
sometime this afternoon,

behind the market diner, an
unmarked van will be waiting.

I'm expecting the
call at any time.

Are you in?

I'm down.

Jerry?

So, Georgie, we have
some big news for you.

Big news?

We're moving to Florida.

What?

You're moving to Florida?!

Ah-ha!

That's wonderful! I'm so happy!

For you! I'm so happy for you!

Oh, what do you need
this cold weather for?

Has nothing to do with weather.
It's because of the Seinfelds.

Wh-what do you mean?

They don't want us
there, so we're going.

We're moving right
into Del Boca Vista-aaa!

So you're moving
there for spite.

Absolutely.

No one tells Frank
Costanza what to do!

That's right! Who
the hell are they?!

How dare they? Yeah!

Ha-ha.

So, Georgie,

are you gonna come to visit us?

Oh, every chance I get.

Oh.

Jerry!

Jerry! I'm busting, I'm busting!

Well, what's going on?

My parents are
moving to Florida!

Are you kidding?

Can you believe
it?! It's happening!

It's finally
happening! I'm free!

Where are they moving to?

Del Boca Vista!

That's where my
parents are gonna live.

I know. We can visit together.

Every five years!

That's incredible!

I know, I know.

And you know why
they're moving there?

Why? To spite your parents.

To spite my parents? Yeah.

Your parents are crazy.

I know, they're
out of their mind.

I don't believe it. Fantastic.

My parents are moving back too.

Beautiful!

I'm sorry Leo's
moving back here.

I'm not ready to
go back to Florida.

He was getting along
so well with that woman.

What happened?

Hello?

This is Frank Costanza.

What do you want?

You think you can
keep us out of Florida?

We're moving in
lock, stock and barrel.

We're gonna be in the pool.

We're gonna be in the clubhouse.

We're gonna be all over
that shuffleboard court.

And I dare you to keep me out!

I'm sorry. We can't
go back to Florida.

Ohhh... Ahhh...

I can't believe I didn't
push for this sooner.

You have no idea how your life

is gonna improve
as a result of this.

Food tastes better.

The air seems fresher.
You'll have more energy

and self-confidence
than you ever dreamed of.

Hello.

Hello, Jerry, it's your father.

Oh, hi, Dad.

Is it all right

if we move in with
you for a little while?

What was that?

Nothing. A bottle
broke, that's all.

What...? What do you mean,
you're gonna move in here?

Because the Costanzas are
moving in to Del Boca Vista.

But it's a big complex.

You don't understand.

You gotta have a buffer zone.

All right, fine. Come over here.

What?

They're... They're not
going back to Florida.

They're moving here.

What? Why?

Because your parents
are going down there.

My buffer zone just went from
1200 miles down to two feet.

You gotta do something.

Hey, I'm sorry.

You had your buffer
zone for many years.

It's my time to live, baby!

You know what
you're doing, don't you?

You're killing
independent Jerry.

I gotta go see my Uncle Leo.

I think he may have
made a big mistake.

Move back with Lydia?

Come on. You're
lucky to have anybody.

Last week you told
me I was in my prime.

I should be swinging.

Swinging? What, are
you out of your mind?

Look at you. You're disgusting.

You're bald. You're paunchy.

All kinds of sounds

are emanating from
your body 24 hours a day.

If there's a woman that
can take your presence

for more than 10
consecutive seconds,

you should hang on
to her like grim death.

Which is not far
off, by the way.

But she's an anti-Semite.

Can you blame her?

You don't think he minds
us staying here, do you?

Why would he mind?
We're his parents.

Oh.

Hi, Elaine. Hello.

Jerry's not here?

No. Huh.

Oh, my God.

What?

A poppy seed.

It must have been
in the chicken.

Oh, I'm dead.

I'm going to the
doctor's in a half an hour.

Why?

It's a long story.

Just a second. I have
to go to the bathroom.

Wait. What are you
gonna do in there?

What am I gonna
do in the bathroom?

You gotta do me a favor.

Elaine, I really have...

Hold on a second, Mrs. Seinfeld.

I need your sample.

You want my urine?

I need a clean urine
sample from a woman.

I don't know.

Oh, please, Mrs.
Seinfeld, please?

Well, what am I gonna do it in?

Well, one of those glasses.

Jerry's glasses?

Oh, yeah. He won't mind.
Come on, you're his mom.

I could... Should I
use a coffee cup?

Yeah, coffee cup's fine.

Or maybe I could
use a juice glass.

Yes, yes. Fine, fine. A
juice glass. It's perfect.

This one is kind of scratched.

It doesn't matter.

All right. How...? A milk glass.

A milk glass, a juice glass.

Any glass, just pick a glass.

Jerry really doesn't
wash these very well.

Mrs. Seinfeld, choose a glass.

Pick a glass, Mrs. Seinfeld.

All right. I got
everything here.

I got the Cyclone F series,

Hydra Jet Flow, Stockholm
Superstream, you name it.

What do you recommend?
What are you looking for?

Power, man, power.

Like Silkwood.

That's for radiation.

That's right.

Now, what is this?

That's the Commando
450. I don't sell that one.

No, that's what we want,
is the Commando 450.

No, believe me. That's only
used in the circus for elephants.

Just give it to us.

Yeah. We'll pay anything.

Give me the money.
We've got the...

What about Jerry?

He couldn't handle that.

He's delicate.

It's nice being back

at Leo's.

Jerry's place was too small.

First Leo breaks up,
then he goes back.

What the hell's going on?

Who is it?

It's the super.

We're installing new
low-flow showerheads

in all the bathrooms.

Low-flow?

I don't like the sound of that.

So as a result of your test

being free of opium,

I am reinstating you.

Oh, yes!

What a load off.

So when are we going to Africa?

I'm afraid I can't take you.

What? Why not?

Elaine, according to
your urine analysis,

you're menopausal.

You have the metabolism
of a 68-year-old woman.

But I wanted to see the Bushmen.

Oh, and one more thing:

You may have osteoporosis.

Well, it's been a great visit.

Jerry, I'll tell ya, the
first thing I'm gonna do

when I get back to
Florida is take a shower.

At least the Costanzas
changed their mind about moving.

They couldn't bear
being away from George.

George must be happy about that.

You have no idea.

Take my swim trunks.
I won't need 'em.

What does he want
with your swim trunks?

Why should they go to waste?!

Oh, yeah.

Jyah!

Yahhh!

Agh!

Aaahhh!

Aah!