Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 7, Episode 10 - The Gum - full transcript

I mean gum is one of the weirdest
human inventions.

It's not a liquid. It's not a solid.
It's not a food.

What is it?
It isn't really anything.

You know, I mean, it's like
a stationary bike for your jaw.

Remember when you were in school
and teachers would get riled up...

if they caught you with gum?

When you're a kid,
you think what's the big deal?

As an adult, I can understand it...

because when you're chewing gum,
you don't look thrilled with anything.

World War ll, that was
an important historical event?

Yeah, I'm sure.



They landed a man
on the moon in 1969?

Yeah, right.

Yeah, I buy that, teach.

Do you think she's happy?

- Who?
- The cashier.

- Ruthie Cohen?
- You know her name?

Sure.

- I don't think I've ever spoken to her.
- Maybe that's why she's happy.

- Good morning, gentlemen.
- What is this?

Well, it's the latest offering
from the Alex Theatre.

- That stinky old movie house?
- Well, you should smell it now.

- We fixed up the place.
- With Spartacus?

Well, it's a rare archival print.

Twelve extra minutes,
full wide-screen Cinemascope.



And if you come to the 1;00 show,
you can hear Jeffrey Haarwood.

- Jeffrey who?
- Haarwood.

He was the assistant
wardrobe man on Spartacus.

He has some fascinating insights
into the production.

Why would you spend $7 to see
a movie that I could watch on TV?

Well, why go to a fine restaurant...

when you can just stick something
in the microwave?

Why go to the park and fly a kite
when you can just pop a pill?

You guys haven't seen Lloyd Braun,
have you? I'm supposed to meet him.

Lloyd Braun? What for?

Well, he's using his connections
in the mayor's office...

to get the theatre landmark status.

I thought he screwed up
the Dinkins campaign.

Well, he did. After that,
he had a nervous breakdown.

Had to spend a few months
in an institution.

- Really?
- Yeah, but he's doing a lot better now.

- I've taken him under my wing.
- Oh, then I'm not worried.

But he still needs all of our support.

When he gets here,
treat him like he's one of the gang.

Breakdown, huh?

- Hey, Kramer.
- Hey, Lloyd. Hey, buddy.

- How you doing? Hi, Jerry.
- Lloyd.

- George.
- Hello, Lloyd.

- How you doing?
- Well, he's doing fine, George.

- Gum.
- That's an interesting package.

Yeah, it's from China.

Go ahead, try a piece.

Tell me that's not the most
delicious gum you've ever tasted.

Yes, yes, we shall all try a piece
and tell you how delicious it is.

- George.
- I don't chew gum.

It's different. Where did you get it?

A friend of mine in Chinatown
gave it to me.

- I can ask him where he got it.
- No, don't bother.

- It's no problem.
- I don't want it.

Jerry, Lloyd says it's no problem.

He's capable of locating the gum.

- All right.
- Boy, this is... This is delicious.

You know what? I think this Ruthie
Cohen gave me the wrong change.

Didn't I pay with a 20?
I'm sure I paid with a 20.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I think I finally figured out
what the flavour is in this gum.

It's a little lo meiny.

- What kind is that?
- It's Chinese gum.

- Lloyd Braun gave it to me.
- Lloyd Braun. How's he doing?

After Dinkins lost the election,
he had a complete nervous breakdown.

They had to lock him up.

That's around the same time
I broke up with Lloyd.

You don't think that I had anything
to do with his breakdown, do you?

I remember, when we parted company,
I was babbling incoherently for months.

Yeah, well, I've got news for you.

While I was growing up
all I heard from my mother was;

"Why can't you be more
like that Lloyd Braun?"

And in the end, Lloyd Braun
became more like you.

- Right, gotta get going.
- Aren't you coming to Spartacus?

I gotta deliver Christmas
presents to my parents.

- I thought they were out of town.
- Why do you think I'm going now?

- Georgie.
- Hey, Mr. Lazzari.

Back in the old neighbourhood, huh?

Yeah, yeah, just delivering
some presents to my folks.

Oh, snazzy car.

- LeBaron?
- Yeah, '83.

It used to belong to Jon Voight.

- The actor, right?
- Something like that.

- Mind if I look under the hood?
- No, go ahead, Pop.

- You always knew your cars.
- Yeah.

Oh, Deena, Deena.
Deena, look who's here.

- George Costanza, is that you?
- Hey, Deena. Come on, give us a hug.

Oh, my gosh, you look as pretty
as you did back in high school.

Boy, those were some crazy times.

Yeah, yeah. Speaking of crazy,
did you hear about Lloyd Braun?

The Alex was built in 1922, during
the golden age of movie palaces.

Minor restorations in
1941, '47, '52, '58, '63...

and currently to our present
period of time.

- You're really getting into this?
- I am.

The icing on the cake would be
that landmark status from the city.

We're hoping Lloyd Braun
can pull a few strings.

Oh, can on Lloyd really do that?

Lloyd Braun can do anything
he puts his mind to. He's fine, Jerry.

You should
say hello to him, Elaine.

What? Lloyd's here?
No, no, I'd rather...

- Hi, Elaine.
- Lloyd. Yes, hello.

Did Kramer tell you?

We reserved some special seats
so we can all sit together.

Oh, well, actually, Lloyd, Jerry and l
have to sit in the front row...

because...
Because he forgot his glasses.

So thanks for getting us the...
We'll see you afterwards.

Come on.

That was odd.

Am I crazy
or does Jerry not wear glasses?

You're not crazy.
Jerry does wear glasses.

He just forgot them, that's all.

Not crazy.

We're all the way in the front row?
Couldn't we sit in the special seats?

I'm sorry, but I didn't want Lloyd
thinking I was leading him on again.

Seeing him made me feel
very uncomfortable.

No, you don't want
to be uncomfortable.

- Poor Lloyd.
- I know. Completely bonkers.

I'm sorry I can't be so flip
about this kind of thing.

You know, after what
happened to Pop.

Pop? What happened to Pop?

I thought you heard.

He had a nervous breakdown
last year.

That's why I'm taking care of him.

I tell you, they don't build them
like this anymore.

He doesn't have
the auto shop anymore?

It was too much for him.

- I gotta go.
- What?

I just remembered
I gotta be someplace.

That's enough, Pop.
Put down the wrench, Pop.

Pop! Pop!

- Great movie, huh?
- Yeah.

- Sorry you forgot those glasses.
- I don't know what I was thinking.

- How did you like that gum?
- He loved it.

Kramer, you know,
there isn't a light in the ladies room.

Yeah, it's being repaired.

Oh, God.

- You all right?
- I sat too close to the screen.

I just gotta stretch out
in a hot bath.

It was nice see you again, Lloyd.

Officer. Officer, is there some reason
this man has too be using a hose.

I mean, he's flooding the sidewalk.

It's a waste of water.
Couldn't he just use a broom?

Lady, you sold me.

Hey, you with the hose.

Here, put these glasses on.

- What's this for?
- Lloyd's gonna be here any minute.

- So what?
- Well, he thinks you wear those.

They're from the lost and found
at the Alex.

This is ridiculous.
I'm not gonna put these on.

Oh, okay.

So he'll just think that the two of you
didn't sit with him on purpose.

Oh, yeah, that's very nice.
Very nice.

Excuse me,
I was in here this morning...

and I believe I paid you
with a 20-dollar bill...

but you only gave me
change for a 10.

- I don't think so.
- Oh, I think so.

And I can prove it.

You see, I was doodling
on the bill...

and so if you have a 20 in there
with big lips on it...

well, that's mine.

Would you mind
opening up the register?

Not unless you buy something.

Okay. Fine, I'll buy a pack of gum.

Hey, George.

- Thought you didn't chew gum.
- I don't.

Take a look.

I know I gave it to you.

George, you mind?
I'm kind of in a hurry.

Fine, fine. Excuse me.

Think I'm gonna forget about this?
I haven't forgotten. I don't forget easily.

Hey, Jerry, look who's here.

- Oh, Lloyd.
- Hi, Jerry.

- Got some more of that gum.
- Oh, the gum.

Yeah, let's all enjoy a chew, huh?

- All right.
- Oh, boy.

Sit down.

Yeah, now, see, this is what
the holidays are all about.

Three buddies sitting around
chewing gum, huh?

Yeah.

So, you know, Lloyd,
he thinks he can get more of this.

Well, Lloyd
is a very industrious fellow.

I'm sure he can accomplish anything
he sets his mind to.

Actually, the importer
is right in Chinatown.

I'll introduce you.
You can get it get it whenever.

It's not necessary.

Hey, Jerry, you know,
Lloyd wants to do you a favour.

I know that, Kramer.

- If you don't want to....
- Sure, he wants to.

And it's very kind of you.
Yeah, Jerry, he appreciates it.

- Don't you, Jerry?
- Yes, I do, Kramer.

- So how about that Elaine today?
- Oh, baby.

What is that all about, huh?

She was practically undressing
in front of me at the theatre.

- I didn't see anything.
- You really missed a show, buddy.

Yeah.

You're probably wondering
why I wanted to see you again.

Well, you know....

It's understandable.

I'm glad you feel that way.

Because since my father's
breakdown...

I've become very sensitive
to the warning signs.

- Warning signs?
- Nervousness, irritability, paranoia.

What?

What are you talking about?
I'm not the one with the problem.

Lloyd Braun was in the nuthouse,
not me.

Yeah, and taking pleasure
in the misfortunes of others.

- All my friends do that.
- George, I'm only trying help.

I'm concerned.

George?

- Are you listening to me?
- Do you see that woman?

She stole $20 from me.

I might have gotten it back,
but Lloyd Braun interfered.

So again it all comes back to Lloyd.

Hey. Hey, you!

Get back here!
Don't gallop away. I'm on to you.

So you're saying
she was on a horse?

I'm telling you, that cashier
is riding horses on my money.

Well, here's what I propose.

Go down to the stables,
snoop around.

See if any high-flying cashier has been
throwing $20 bills around with big lips.

- Hey.
- Well, if it isn't Chesty Larue.

- What?
- I was chewing gum with Lloyd Braun.

He was bragging about
the show you gave him at the Alex.

Oh, God. I lost a button,
so my blouse was wide open.

I must've left it at the theatre.

- Maybe it's in the lost and found.
- I know.

I have to go check it out.
It's a beautiful button.

It's antique ivory.
It was my mother's.

You know, the way you were wolfing
down that popcorn, maybe you ate it.

Mr. Haarwood, what an unexpected
surprise to have you back at the Alex.

Well, I'm in a bit of a quandary.
I've misplaced my spectacles.

Well, let's look in lost and found,
shall we?

They're half glasses.

- Brown?
- Yes, yes.

Yeah, well, if they're not in the box,
I'm sure they'll turn up soon.

Listen, could you keep
an eye on the place?

I wanna go get some paraffin wax...

and bring out the lustre
of this vintage countertop.

Yes, certainly.

Oh, my goodness.

What a spanking button.

All right, all right.

Hang on. It's warming up.

Hey, what is your problem?

Oh, hello. It's you.

Listen, lady, I've got
six minutes left on that meter...

and I'm not budging until
you admit you stole my $20.

You're not so stuff tough when you're
not on your horse, are you, Ruthie?

Your car's on fire.

Merry Christmas.

Fire!

- Your hose! Where's your hose?
- The cop made me disconnect it.

What happened to your car, buddy?

The Jon Voight car is no more.

Well, don't you sweat it. You can
use my car anytime you want to.

- No kidding?
- No kidding.

Hey, thanks. I owe you a big one.

- Yeah, merry Christmas.
- Whatever.

- All right. I'm here. Where's Braun?
- What? He's not here yet?

Look. I'll go downtown to Chinatown
with him, but that is it.

- I need those glasses.
- Why?

They're Jeffrey Haarwood's.

Here, try this pair.

Wow, these are really....

Hey, gum-buddy. Nice frames.

- You ready to go?
- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he's all ready to go.

- Anybody see Elaine today?
- Oh, yeah, she called a little earlier.

She's coming over
to check out lost and found.

Maybe I'll stick around
and see what she's wearing today.

Or not wearing,
if you know what I mean.

Absolutely, let's just stick around.

I'll tell you what,
they're expecting us.

- Let me just grab a hot dog here.
- Oh, yeah.

I'd like a hot dog, please.

Are you out of your mind?

What's the problem here?

This hot dog's been here
since the silent era.

- You'd have to be insane to eat it.
- No, no, this man is not insane.

There's nothing wrong
with it or you.

- Kramer...
- No, no, I'll show you.

- One hot dog, please.
- Okay.

Doesn't that smell good, huh?

Here we go. Yeah.

Oh, that's delicious.

This is a perfectly sane food to eat.

Interesting texture.

It's chewy.

I gotta get some air.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Weren't you told
to stop using that hose?

- How would you happen to know that?
- Well....

You're that lady that was
talking to the cops, aren't you?

- Hey, Joe!
- Oh, wait, wait! Stop it!

- Hey, everybody.
- Whoa, Elaine!

Once again you've managed
to top yourself.

Come on, Jerry, let's go.
The car is out front.

Lloyd.

Lloyd.

What is Lloyd's problem?

Look, honey, I know you're trying
to get Lloyd to notice you...

but this is too much.

Parading around in a wet T-shirt.

I got sprayed with a hose.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry,
but the Alex is a family theatre...

not one of your swing joints.

So you want my father
to pay for this?

Well, you saw him.
He was fiddling with the engine.

God knows what he did there.

And I suppose Lloyd Braun
had something to do with it too?

- Not Lloyd Braun, but the cashier.
- What cashier?

You remember the woman
on the horse? She wanted my spot.

- To park her horse?
- No, she wasn't on the horse.

So your car caught fire...

because of my father
and the woman on the horse.

That's right. And him.

- The man with the flowers?
- Yeah, yeah, the flower guy.

Listen, I know this all sounds
a little crazy, but...

I can't believe it.
That's Jerry Seinfeld.

- Who?
- Jerry Seinfeld, my best friend.

He can explain all of this.
Jerry, Jerry!

Over here, Jerry. It's me!

Where are you going?
It's... What are you...?

- That was your best friend?
- Yeah.

- But he doesn't wear glasses.
- That man was wearing glasses.

Don't you see? He was doing it
to fool Lloyd Braun.

I'll run in and get the gum.

- All right.
- Got any money?

Here.

I'll be back.

Look, Deena, I know you think
I'm crazy, but I'm not.

This is just a series
of bad coincidences.

I don't know, George.
I don't know what to believe.

Believe me, I am not crazy.

Well, I guess it's possible.

Here you go.

- All this?
- Yeah.

- A hundred dollars worth.
- I gave you a hundred dollars?

You sure did.

- Am I crazy or is that a lot of gum?
- It's a lot of gum!

Mr. Haarwood, I found your glasses.

Oh, splendid.

Welcome to the
lnstitute for the Preservation...

of Motion Picture Costumes
and Wardrobes.

The l.P.M.P.C.W.

We prefer to call it the lnstitute.

- Is that from Henry VIII?
- Yes, yes, it is.

Yeah, well, you know, we're
screening that tonight at the Alex.

You think that I could wear
that to promote the theatre?

Well, I'd love to lend it to you,
but I doubt if it would fit a man...

of your impressive
Raymond Massey-like physique.

The only person who could
really fit into this costume...

would have to be a short, stocky man
of somewhat generous proportion.

You don't say.

You're really helping
me out with this, buddy.

- Kids are gonna be so thrilled.
- Yeah, yeah.

You really cashed in
on that favour pretty quick.

Remember, you are a king.
You must project a royal bearing.

Oh, I'm going to give you
a royal bearing.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Let me get a pack of gum.

Can I get a pack of gum, please?

I beg your pardon, Your Majesty...

but we don't accept bills
with lipstick on the president.

What?

So I had it all along.
How do you like that?

I guess I owe that cashier
an apology.

Oh, my God.

No, no, Deena,
it's not what you think.

This isn't mine.
I got it from the lnstitute.

The lnstitute!

Mr. Haarwood.

Well, you certainly know
how to dress for a premiere.

Well, thank you.

- Where is your friend, King Henry?
- He ran away.

- Hey, Kramer.
- Let me talk to you.

You know, that button
looks very familiar.

Yes, it's antique ivory.

I think that's my button.

You know, I've been
looking all over for it.

- Did you find it here?
- It was in the lost and found.

- Shall I undo it?
- Yes, of course.

- Oh, thank you.
- I'm a little ticklish.

Tickle, tickle.

We really gotta get
that Elaine a boyfriend.

Oh, tell me about it.