Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 6, Episode 9 - The Secretary - full transcript

I don't event know what's supposed
to be so attractive about fur?

Why does a man
wanna see a woman in fur?

Men want women with shaved legs,
shaved armpits, plucked eyebrows.

Then before we go out,
we dress them up like a bear?

To me, the only reason to wear fur...

would be if you were trying
to sneak up on another animal.

You ever see those tribal hunters
wearing the fur...

with the other animal's head
on top of their head, you know?

I'm sure there's a moose looking at
that going, "Yeah. That looks good.

Yeah. I'm gonna turn my back
on this goofball with the extra head...

because there's nothing
fishy there.



I'll just keep drinking
from the stream.

I've seen a lot of two-headed
tigers with knees."

So I am actually gonna have
a secretary.

- And I get to do the interview.
- It's incredible.

You were taking messages
for your mother.

And now someone's gonna be
taking messages for me.

From your mother.

So this woman you plan on hiring...

is she gonna be
in the spokesmodel category?

Sure, I could go the tomato route...

but I've given this
a lot of thought, Jerry.

All that frustration,
I'll never get any work done.

So I'm doing a complete 360.

I'm going for total
efficiency and ability.



That's a 180, George.

Whatever.

- Hi, Willie.
- Hey, Jerry.

I got this stuff...

- and my mother's fur for storage.
- What are you doing with it?

She keeps it with me
for when she comes up from Florida.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Jerry, you know my wife, Donna.

Yeah. That's why I said "hi."

Hey, nice jacket.

Thanks. Houndstooth.

This is a beauty.

- Great cut. It's probably very flattering.
- Oh, yes.

It really accentuates
my bust line.

Well, I type about
90 words a minute.

I'm completely well-versed in all
the lBM and Macintosh programs.

Well, Miss Coggins, you're
obviously qualified for the job.

You have all the necessary skills
and experience...

but you're extremely attractive.
You're gorgeous.

I'm looking at you,
I can't even remember my name.

So I'm afraid this is not
gonna work out. Thanks for coming.

You're luscious.
You're ravishing.

I would give up red meat just to get
a glimpse of you in a bra.

I'm terribly sorry. Terribly sorry.

As you can see, my references
are impeccable.

I think I'd be a real asset here.

My only concern is,
I do take care of my mother.

So will there be many late nights?

I can't imagine.

Okay. So Barneys is having
this huge sale.

I try this dress on.

Stunning. Stunning.

I couldn't take my eyes off myself.

- Yeah?
- Okay. So then I put it on at home...

it looks like I'm carrying twins.

So you're saying, store, hotsy-totsy,
Home, hotsy-notsy.

Yeah, exactly.
Anyway, I gotta go there and return it.

I thought we were going
to the movies.

All right. I'll try it on again.
You tell me what you think.

- Hey, hey.
- Hey, George.

Hey, Elaine.

I am telling you, Jerry,
having a secretary is incredible.

Don't know why I didn't
have one before.

Because you didn't have a job?

Perhaps.

I walk in, everything is organized.

Messages, appointments.

I can't tell you how proud I am
of myself for going with Ada.

A lesser man would've crumbled.

They would've gone for the dish and
the sure-fire sexual harassment suit.

- It's a little...
- All right.

You answered it right there.

You got no waist in that thing.

And your arms look like something
hanging in a kosher deli.

I said, all right.

- Well, why'd you buy it for?
- Why did I buy it?

Because in the mirror at Barneys,
I looked fabulous.

This woman who was just
walking by...

said I looked like Demi Moore
in Indecent Proposal.

How fast was she walking?

"Demi"?

I thought it was "Demi."

No, I think it's "Demi."

Really?

I never heard of
a "semi" tractor-trailer.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.
I know what's going on here.

- Skinny mirrors.
- What?

Skinny mirrors.
Barneys has skinny mirrors.

They make you look,
like, 10 pounds lighter.

Oh, you're crazy.

Am l?

Do you think I would've
bought this dress...

if I looked like this at Barneys?

You know, I think
she may have something.

What are you all dressed up for?

I'm returning this dress to Barneys.

Good idea.

Do it tomorrow.
We'll go to the movies.

- Yeah. Okay.
- Hey, if you're going...

maybe you can pick me up
some of this super-hydrating...

It's a total-protection moisturizer
with UVA. Yeah.

- Moisturizer? That's girl stuff.
- No. Look, I'll tell you what.

- They're having a sale, right?
- Yeah.

I'll meet you down there.
We'll have lunch.

- Well, we could...
- Yeah, we'll get to know each other.

We never get to spend
any time together.

Oh, sure. We have
our little group here, but....

And then, assuming
the strike is resolved...

on April 14th,
we play the Angels.

So let's clear a floor
at the Anaheim Hotel.

Anaheim Hotel.
You may wanna reconsider.

I believe they only have
room service until 10 p.m...

then it's only finger foods.

Ada, you're a wonder.

Okay. Now, I projected those figures
for you regarding the switch...

to canola oil for stadium popcorn.

And surprisingly, it'll only cost
half a cent more per bag...

so it is definitely doable.

Ada, I have to tell you, I have
never met anybody so efficient.

Well, thank you. I'm flattered.

You're just a marvel of organization.

Well, I'm just doing my job.

It's like I'm...
I'm thinking of something...

and you're one step ahead of me.

What can I say? I'm....

I'm good at what I do.

Do you...?

Do you know what I'm...

thinking about now?

Yes. I think I do.

Is it...

doable?

It's definitely doable.

Well, that was the worst.

I can't believe they made
the wife the killer.

- Give me a break.
- Hey.

Give us a break.
We haven't seen it yet.

- Thanks a lot, bigmouth.
- Yeah.

- You got a pen?
- Yeah. I think I do.

And I need something to write on.

Well, all I got is
my dry-cleaning stub.

I just met Uma Thurman.

She's giving me her telephone
number. Uma, Jerry. Uma.

- Uma Thurman? Really?
- How'd you manage that?

Yeah. Well, l...
I don't have any time to talk now.

He's got the kavorca.

- Hey, isn't that Willie, my dry cleaner?
- Where?

He just went in.

You know, l...

I think he was wearing
my houndstooth jacket.

What would he be doing
wearing your jacket?

It looked just like the jacket
I brought in to be dry-cleaned.

He complimented me on it.

- Are you sure?
- I got it.

Uma, Uma, Uma.

- You are amazing.
- Yeah.

All right. Taxi's on me.

No, no, no. A better way
to reach the bra...

would be to undo the jacket
then go around the back of the shirt.

Ada, you're incredible.

Here. I wanna show you something.

Hand me that pillow.

Here.

What?

Oh, my God.

Mr. Costanza.

Ada.

- I'm giving you a raise!
- Yes!

So you're having sex,
then all of a sudden you just blurt out:

"I'm giving you a raise"?

Yeah.

Just a quick sidebar here.

Are you in any way
authorized to give raises?

- Not that I'm aware of.
- No.

So you're so grateful to have sex,
you'll shout out anything...

that comes into your head.

I didn't think ahead.

Well, maybe she'll just think
it was bawdy talk.

I didn't say any other bawdy things.

Maybe you could have sex
with her again and then take it back.

All right. You're not
any help at all here.

I don't know the point
of talking to you.

All right, all right, I'm sorry.

Yeah. Well, the only thing I can do
is to go to George Steinbrenner...

and tell him he has
to give her a raise.

- How long has she been there?
- Three days.

- It's almost a week.
- Yeah.

Oh, my God.

- What?
- It's a movie stub from the 9:30 show.

George, I think Willie the dry cleaner's
been wearing my clothes.

These mirrors are skinny mirrors.

This is false...

reflecting.

And I think that the department of...

you know, whatever...

would be very interested
to know what's going on here.

Well, we're more than happy
to exchange it for something else.

Okay. Fine.

I did like that little
Calvin Klein number...

right by the elevator,
with the little...

- I'll bring it to your dressing room.
- Okay. Thanks so much.

What are you all dressed up for?

Well, Elaine, when you're
shopping on Madison Avenue...

you don't wanna skimp
on the swank.

I like your little bag.

Oh, yeah. Hey, look at this.

This is a super-hydrating,
triple-action moisturizer, huh?

Wait till that Uma smells this UVA.

- Hey, Kramer.
- Hey, Bania. What's happening?

I'm looking for a new suit,
but I can't find anything I like.

- That's a nice suit.
- Well, thank you.

- Did you get that here?
- No, no, no.

This is vintage.
They don't make this stuff anymore.

- You're telling me.
- I sure am.

It's hard to find pants...

- That don't make you high-waisted?
- Yes.

- Me too.
- What size are you?

- Forty-two.
- Forty-two? That's what I am now.

I've been working out. I'm huge.

How'd you like to sell it?

Make me an offer.

- One hundred bucks.
- Surely you jest.

One seventy-five?

Look at the stitching.

This is old-world craftsmanship.

- Three hundred dollars.
- Sold.

- Follow me into the dressing room.
- You'll throw the shirt in?

Bania, you're killing me.

Hey, that's the women's
dressing room.

There's nothing there
I haven't seen before.

Mr. Steinbrenner?

Can I talk to you for a second?

Yes. Yes, George.
Can you talk to me?

Of course you can.
I'm a very accessible man.

I just wanna say you're doing great
on that canola-oil stuff.

Well, you know,
to be honest, sir, my...

My new secretary, Ada,
came up with that one.

Ada. Ada. I like that name, George.

She supports her whole family.

- Is that a fact, George?
- Yes.

In fact, her mother's in the hospital.

It's some kind of a diverticulitis.

I had a bout of that myself one time,
knocked me right on my ass.

She can't even afford
to go out to lunch. She...

She's been eating
in high school cafeterias.

She pretends to be a teacher.
It's pathetic.

What does that cost?
Two and a quarter?

You know, I was just thinking
that she could really use a raise.

She'd be better off making
a sandwich and bringing it.

Hello?

George, will you excuse me?

Kramer. What are you doing?

Listen, I need you
to get me some clothes.

- What?
- Yeah. I just sold my suit...

to Bania for a cool 300.

So go buy a new one.

At this place?
It would destroy my profit margin.

- So?
- Listen, do me a favor. Just call Jerry.

Tell him to bring me some clothes.

- Hello, Willie.
- Hey, Jerry.

- You're dropping off.
- No...

but seen any good movies lately?

- You came by to ask that?
- Yeah.

Specifically, 9:30 shows.

Seen any good 9:30 shows
at the Paragon, Willie?

- What are you getting at?
- I saw you...

stepping out
with my houndstooth jacket.

Jerry, that's a breach
of the dry cleaners' code.

You need a code to tell you
not to wear people's clothes?

I wasn't wearing your jacket.

- Jerry, you're imagining things.
- Yeah.

Am I imagining this?

Found that little cutie in the pocket.

- Jerry, l...
- Yeah. Well, now that...

we understand each other,
I'll take my business elsewhere.

- I want my mother's fur coat back too.
- Jerry, come on.

- Now.
- Now?

Yeah. I want that coat.

- Well...
- Where's the ticket?

- Kramer.
- Wait a minute.

You mean to tell me that
you don't have a ticket for the coat?

No. Not on me.

Well, I need to see that ticket.

Why? I've gotten cleaning without it.

Yeah, but this is different.

Those fur-storage warehouses
are huge.

You can't get anything
without a number.

All right. I'll be back.

Yeah. It looks good here,
but what does that mean?

So do you want it?

I don't know. I have to think about it.

I need a nonpartisan mirror.

I can't thank you enough,
Mr. Costanza.

- I'm so grateful.
- Yes. Well...

I sat down with Mr. Steinbrenner.

I told him you have
been doing great work.

I said that you deserved a raise,
and if you didn't get it...

that I was leaving.

It was just so generous.

Oh, don't worry about it.
He's got plenty of money.

Oh, I know, but 25,000.

- So you got a $25,000-a-year raise?
- Yes.

- Oh, I tell you, Mr. Steinbrenner...
- You're making more than I am.

- I am?
- A secretary cannot make more...

- than her boss.
- Well, apparently they can.

Oh, this is insanity.

I'm not this hip-y.

Hey. Hey, what do you think of this?

You'll never pull it off.

Hey. What's going on in there?

Excuse me. Could you tell me where l
could find women's moisturizer lotions?

This woman's been in there
for over an hour.

Excuse me, miss.
Is everything okay in there?

Yeah.

- Kramer?
- Jerry. You got my clothes?

- What clothes?
- Didn't Elaine call you?

No.

Well, what are you doing here?

What am I doing here?
You're in the women's dressing room.

I need that ticket stub back so I can
get my mother's fur coat out.

The stub. Yeah.
I left it in my... My pants.

- Where are your pants?
- Well, I sold them to Bania.

What? You sold your pants
to Bania? Let me in.

Why'd you sell your pants to Bania?

I had Uma Thurman's number
written on that stub.

I lost Uma's number.

- Where are your clothes?
- I told you, I sold them to Bania.

- You mean, what you were wearing?
- Yeah.

How'd you expect
to get out of here?

Well, I didn't think ahead.

This... This isn't gonna work for me.

So if you could show me
something else.

No.

- No?
- No. Because you're taking that one.

- I am?
- Yes. You wore it outside.

That's preposterous.

Well, I suppose that salt stain
came from all the snow in the store.

Shall I wrap it,
or will you wear it out?

No. You can wrap it.

- Kramer, you still in there?
- Elaine?

Jerry?

- Elaine, where's Kramer?
- Bania?

- Kramer?
- I'm going out.

- Jerry.
- Bania.

Kramer, I want my money back
for this suit.

Your nancy-boy cream leaked
all over the pockets.

- Suit's ruined.
- You're not getting any money back.

- Jerry, come back.
- Excuse me.

- Uma's number's on that ticket.
- Never mind Uma.

I need that ticket
to get my mother's coat.

Why not just give him the money?

I'm not giving him $300 now for a suit
with moisturizer cream all over it.

- I got an idea.
- What?

I can't believe I'm gonna do this.

Can I talk to you for a second?

How's everything going?

- Pretty good.
- Yeah.

See, the thing is,
I'm in an awkward position here...

because I don't wanna get
between you two guys...

but I need a dry-cleaning ticket
that's in the pocket of those pants.

All you gotta do is tell Kramer
to give me my money back...

- and you'll get your ticket.
- Yeah.

Yeah, all right.
Well, tell you what I will do, Bania.

You give me the ticket...

and I will take you out
for a nice dinner.

Can we go back to Mendy's?

You wanna go to Mendy's,
I'll take you to Mendy's.

- Twice. I wanna go twice.
- All right, let's be reasonable, Bania.

I'm taking you out for dinner.
All I want is a little ticket.

- I think that's a pretty good deal.
- Two Mendy's.

All right.

- Just give me the ticket.
- Here you go.

But, Mr. Steinbrenner, how can I be
expected to perform my job properly...

knowing that my subordinate
is making more money than I am?

With all due respect, sir,
it's out of whack.

I understand what you're saying.

I know what it's like
to be strapped.

As a young man in Cleveland,
I hitchhiked to work.

One time I got picked up
by a bakery truck.

Think that smells good?
Try being cooped up...

in one of those babies.

I couldn't look at a doughnut
for two years.

Not that I was ever one
for the sweets.

Sure, I like a cupcake every
now and then like everybody else.

You know, I like it when they have
a little cream inside. It's a surprise.

That's good.
Plus, the chocolate ones are good too.

Sometimes I can't even
make up my mind.

A lot of times, I'll mix the two together.
Make a vanilla-fudge.

Let me in, it's me.

Here. You don't know
what this is costing me.

All right. Nice work.

Wait. Where's Uma's number?

The moisturizer smudged out
the phone number.

The dry-cleaning number's
gone too.

It must have been
the botanical extracts.

Give me that.

Hey, Bania, the dinner's off.

The ticket's no good.
The numbers are all smudged out.

You trying to get out of Mendy's?

- You can't do that.
- The ticket is worthless.

You promised me.

Hey, isn't that my mother's fur coat?

- No, it's not.
- It is.

- Give me that back.
- What are you talking about?

- You out of your mind?
- Are you crazy, taking my coat?

What, do you think the dry cleaners
is your personal closet?

Hey, Donna, can you get
the salt stain out of this?

Let me see. Piece of cake.

Bring it in. What size is it?

This soup is great.

Yeah, it's very good.

I told you Mendy's had the best
pea soup. The best, Jerry. The best.

- Are you enjoying it?
- Yeah. I'm having a wonderful time.

Wait till you try the swordfish.

You know, Jerry, I was thinking...

for our next meal, do you think
we should come here...

or should we go someplace else?

It has its pros and cons.

On the one hand, here,
you're guaranteed a great meal.

- On the other hand...
- Yeah, yeah, I know.

This would be good,
but it'd be the same.

If we go someplace else, it would
be different, but maybe not as good.

It's a gamble. I get it.

Yeah.

Let's hurry. I gotta go.
I'm meeting a woman for a drink.

- Oh, and who might that be?
- Some woman named Uma.

I got her number off that ticket
before it was smudged.

Hope she's good-looking.

If you are a waiter or a waitress
and you see me in a restaurant...

I'm telling you right now,
I don't wanna hear about the specials.

I don't wanna know about the specials,
I'm sick of the specials, I hate them.

My feeling is, if the specials were
so special, they'd be on the menu.

You know what's special? They don't
know if anybody likes them.

And they always have those overly
creative descriptions of the specials.

The veal is lightly slapped...

and then sequestered
in a one-bedroom suite...

with a white-wine intravenous.