Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 6, Episode 8 - The Mom and Pop Store - full transcript

Kramer decides to help out a small mom and pop shoe repair shop by sending business their way. As part of his project, he cleans out Jerry's closet and sends all of his sneakers to them for repair. Kramer's suggestions for repairs in the shop send the old couple into bankruptcy. George has been looking for a new car and makes his choice buying a car that was supposedly once owned by Jon Voight. It turns out that Elaine knows quite a bit about big band music and her correct answer in a radio contest lets her boss Mr. Pitt do something he has always wanted: hold the giant balloon of Woody Woodpecker in the Macy's Thanksgiving parade. Jerry isn't sure what to do when he seems not to have been invited to a Thanksgiving-eve party.

Car names are so stupid,
aren't they?

No baron has ever owned
a LeBaron.

Or the Ford LTD.

LTD. Limited.
It's a limited edition.

What did they make,
50 million of those?

Yes, it's limited
to the number we can sell.

Or when they try and mangle
a positive word into a car name.

You know how they'll do that?
The lntegra.

Oh, integrity? No, lntegra.

The Supra or the lmpreza. Yeah?

Well, I hope it's not a "lemona."

Or you'll be hearing
from my "lawya."

So, George, you sure I can't show you
any other cars?

I don't think so, Vic.

Done my homework.

'89 Volvo. That's the car for me.
It's the one I want.

I got a LeBaron convertible
right here.

N.I., not interested.

Got a few more miles on it, but
the previous owner was Jon Voight.

Jon Voight?

Okay, Tim, you're welcome.

- Was that Tim Whatley?
- Yes, it was.

He wanted your address.

You, my friend, are gonna be invited to
his night-before-Thanksgiving party.

He's got that great apartment
on 77th Street...

and they overlook where they inflate
all those huge balloons...

for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day

I have always had a big crush on Tim.
Why can't he ask me out?

He's a dentist. You don't wanna go out
with a dentist.

- Why?
- He'll always be criticizing...

your brushing technique.
It'll drive you crazy.

Away from the gums.

New car!


Did you get the Volvo?

No, I decided to go
with an '89 LeBaron.

A LeBaron?

I thought Consumer
said Volvo was the car.

What consumer? I'm the consumer.

Seems like a strange choice.

Well, maybe so.

But it was good enough
for Mr. Jon Voight.

- Jon Voight? The actor?
- That's right.

He just happened to be
the previous owner of the vehicle.

You bought a car because
it belonged to Jon Voight?

No. No.

I think "yes, yes."

You like the idea of telling people
you're driving Jon Voight's car.

All right, maybe I do. So what?

I've never even seen him in a car.
I mean, look at his movies. No cars.

Deliverance, canoe.

Midnight Cowboy, boots.

Runaway Train...

runaway train.

Hey. Jerry, you know that shoe
repair place at the end of the block?

If they don't get business,
they'll shut down and make way...

for one of those gourmet coffee
or cookie stores.

- I like coffee.
- I like cookies.

Well, of course you do.
And you know why?

Because you're a bunch of yuppies.

It's your "go, go"
corporate-takeover lifestyles...

that are driving out
these mom-and-pop stores...

and destroying the fabric
of this neighborhood.

Well, what's so great about
a mom-and-pop store?

If my mom and pop ran a store,
I wouldn't shop there.

Hey, Bucambo...

they've been in the neighborhood
for 48 years.

Now, come on, Jerry,
you gotta have shoes...

in need of a cobbler.

I really don't wear the kind of shoes
that have to be cobbled.

Well, what about sneakers?

They'll clean them.
They do complete detailing.

- All right. Take them.
- Yeah, yeah.

Kramer, without you,
we'd be out of business.

These belong to my neighbor,
Jerry Seinfeld, the comedian.

- So many sneakers.
- Well, he's got a Peter Pan complex.

They'll be ready
a week from Thursday.

Oh, well, no rush.

- What's the matter?
- I keep getting these nosebleeds.

- Lie down. And put your head back.
- Oh, yeah.

- Hey, what's with your ceiling?
- What?

You got wires sticking out
every which way.

It looks dangerous.
You should call an electrician.

You know, in the 48 years
we've been here...

I don't think we've ever called
an electrician.

Well, you should.
This place could blow any minute.

- Elaine.
- Yes, Mr. Pitt?

Have you gotten all the salt
off those pretzels yet?

No. I'm still working on it.

What in blazes
are you listening to?

Artie Shaw, "Honeysuckle Jump."

That was Artie Shaw,
"Honeysuckle Jump."

Elaine, how did you know that?

My father used to have
a huge collection of big-band records.

Congratulations to Wayne Hopper
for identifying it.

By doing so,
he becomes our seventh person...

to man
the Woody Woodpecker balloon...

in the Macy's
Thanksgiving Day Parade.

There are only three spots left.

When we come back,
you'll have three more chances...

to win a spot holding a rope
under Woody Woodpecker.

Could you identify the next song?
Could you? Could you?

Why would you wanna hold the ropes
from the Woody Woodpecker balloon?

My father was a stern man.

He forbade us to participate
in any activities...

that he thought were associated
with the common man.

The Thanksgiving Day Parade
was first on the list.

All right. Okay.
I'll do the best I can.

Here we go for the next spot
under the balloon.

If you know the name
of this next song, call 555-BAND.

Well, Elaine? Do you know it?
What song is it?

- Will you shut up? I can't hear!
- I'm sorry.

Oh, I've got it!

It's "Next Stop, Pottersville."

Goody! Yes, yes!

"Next Stop, Pottersville."
You are a genius.

You'll love this car,
even if you don't like Jon Voight.

I like Jon Voight. Just seems like
a strange reason to buy a car...

because he might have driven it.

What do you mean, "might"?

- You don't think he really owned it?
- I don't know.

Why would the guy make up
something like that?

Of all the names he could pick,
why settle on Jon Voight?

Don't you see,
that's the genius of it.

If he had said Liam Neeson,
you'd know he's making it up.

Liam Neeson?

How are you comparing
Liam Neeson with Jon Voight?

Jerry, we're talking about Joe Buck.

If you can play Joe Buck,
Oskar Schindler's a cakewalk.

Oh, look at this.
I stepped in gum.

You're not getting in my car
with gummy shoes.

All right. I'll change my shoes.

Liam Neeson.

You know he's not American.

Let me get a clean pair.

Everybody's talking at me

I can't hear a word they're saying

Just driving round
In Jon Voight's car


Hey, where's all my sneakers?

- You said take them.
- Not all of them.

Well, obviously,
there was a miscommunication.

Obviously. So, what am l
supposed to wear?

- Jerry, I left you a pair right here.
- Where?

Come on. You're not looking.

Here. There. Put on those boots.

I can't wear these.

- Well, why not?
- They're uncomfortable.

Come on here. Try them on.

Where did you get those?

I worked a club in Dallas one time,
and they couldn't pay me...

so they gave me these.

I can't wear these.
They look ridiculous.

You look like a cowboy.

I don't wanna be a cowboy.

Oh, stop it.

You know Tim the dentist?

I got an invitation to his
Thanksgiving eve party.

- Yeah? I got one too.
- Oh, yeah?

- What?
- No. Nothing.

- No, what is it?
- No, it's just that I didn't get one.

You didn't get one?

But he called me up and asked
for yours and Elaine's addresses.

I'm sure that means I'm invited.

Not necessarily.

Why would you call someone
for addresses...

if you're not invited to the party?

That's the genius of it.

I'm calling Elaine. See if she can
find out anything from Tim Whatley.

Hey, I got Jon Voight's LeBaron.


Four thousand dollars!
We can't afford that.

Well, you have to do
something about it...

because it's in violation
of the building code.

Otherwise, they're gonna
close you up.

Supposing we can't pay for it?

Then I have to report you.

Otherwise, I lose my license.


Forty-eight years, Mom.

And now we have to close.

All because of that idiot
and his bloody nose.

Afternoon, Mom. Afternoon, Pop.

You know you got a crack
in the sidewalk?

You ought to get that fixed.

- So?
- Come on, put the top up.

- It's November.
- I feel alive, Jerry.

Let's check out the glove box.


Hey, you don't think...?

Sure. That's Jon Voight's pencil.

With Jon Voight's teeth marks.

Owner's manual.

You know what?
This car was owned by Jon Voight.

You see? I told you.

Except Jon is spelled with an "H."

- J-O-H-N.
- So?

Doesn't Jon Voight
spell his name J-O-N?

- So, what are you saying?
- Nothing.

I'm sure Jon probably misspelled
his own name.

I know sometimes I spell Jerry
with a G.

And an l.

- Get out of the car!
- What?

That's right, you heard me. Get out.
You're ruining this whole experience.

Oh, look. There's
Gregory Peck's bicycle.

- Get out!
- And Barbara Mandrell's skateboard.

Get out!

Hey, cowboy.

Where's your horse?

Yeah, you better run.

- Did they take anything?
- They didn't touch me.

I tripped because of
these stupid cowboy boots.

Well, anyway, again, I'm sorry
about throwing you out of the car.

- You really seemed to enjoy it.
- It was kind of fun.

You know, maybe his name
really is J-O-H-N...

but he changed it to J-O-N
for show business.

Well, you know, J-O-N
is a lot zippier.

Yeah, that's possible.

How would you find out
something like that?

Wait a minute. What am I thinking?

I've got the entire Yankee organization
at my disposal.

- He'll dispose of it.
- That's right. See you later.

So, Jerome, I did a little
snooping around for you.

What'd you find out, Lois?

Well, I talked to Tim Whatley.


And I asked him,
"Should Jerry bring anything?"


And he said,
"Why would Jerry bring anything?"

All right, but let me ask you this.

Which word did he emphasize?

Did he say,
"Why would Jerry bring anything?"

Or, "Why would Jerry
bring anything?"

Did he emphasize
"Jerry" or "bring"?

I think he emphasized "would."

Know what? The hell with this party.

I don't wanna go to begin with.

- Hey.
- Hey. So where's my sneakers?

- That's what I wanna know.
- What do you mean?

Well, I saw Mom and Pop
this morning...

but when I went by the store on
my way home, the place was empty.

Everything is gone.
Mom and Pop...


- So all my sneakers are gone?
- I'm afraid so.

And that's just the tip
of the iceberg.

I've been asking around.
They didn't even have any kids.

Mom and Pop aren't even
a mom and pop?

It was all an act, Jerry.

They conned us,
and they scored bigtime.

So Mom and Pop's plan was
to move into the neighborhood...

establish trust...

for 48 years...

and then run off
with Jerry's sneakers?


All right. That's enough of this.

- Where you going?
- I gotta go to the Dixieland Deli...

to pick up Mr. Pitt's security pass
for the parade.

Why does he wanna hold a rope
underneath Woody Woodpecker...

in the Thanksgiving Day Parade?

He finds his laugh intoxicating.

So, George, what kind
of promotional events...

- are we talking about?
- Well...

I think we need more
special days at the stadium.

You know, like...

Joe Pepitone Day...

- or Jon Voight Day.
- Jon Voight?

The actor?

I make a motion that we have
no more of these meetings...

that have been initiated
by George Costanza.

I suppose if I had suggested
Liam Neeson Day...

you'd all be patting me
on the back.

I guessed Stan Herman's
"Boomtown Blues."

- What did you guess?
- It was "Next Stop, Pottersville."

Everybody knows that.

You know when they're giving out
the passes?

After the music.

Oh, man.

Taxi! Taxi.

Hey! Jon Voight!

Jon Voight! Hey, listen.

Can I ask you something?
Listen. Do you...? Wait...

- No Jon Voight Day, huh?
- No.

Now I'll always have this doubt
about the car.

- What, your jaw still hurts?
- Yeah, it's all swollen.

I think I chipped a tooth
when I fell yesterday.

- Have somebody look at it.
- I'm calling dentists all day.

Nobody working
the day before Thanksgiving.

- You going to the party?
- No. I don't know if I'm invited.

- There'll be lots of dentists there.
- Yeah, you're right.

You don't wanna suffer all weekend.

Yeah, I gotta see a dentist.
This is killing me.

Well, I'll take a chance.
We'll go together.

Maybe I'll just meet you there.

- You don't wanna go with me?
- Jerry...

for all I know, this guy went
out of his way to not invite you.

How am I gonna feel if I show up...

with an uninvited,
unwelcome intruder?

The way I feel
when I go places with you?

- Hey.
- Hey. Did you find my sneakers yet?

No. But I ran into somebody
you might be interested in.

A Mr. Jon Voight, the actor.

Jon Voight, are you kidding me?!
Did you talk to him?

He was a little standoffish.

What, you didn't ask him
about the car?

I couldn't. His cab pulled away.
But he did make an impression on me.

- Look.
- What?

His tooth marks. He bit me.

- Jon Voight bit you?
- What is he, a vampire?

No, it's justifiable.
He thought I was going for his wallet.

- He left perfect imprints.
- That he did.

You've got that pencil
with the bite marks on it?

We get a trained eye to match them,
and we'll see if you're driving his car.

Oh, please.

Wait a minute.
Wait, it's not that stupid.

No, it's stupid.

Why? Why is it impossible?
I mean, they're both bite marks.

So you're showing up at that party
with a chewed-up pencil...

and Kramer's gnarled arm?

- It's worth a shot.
- Yeah.

Kramer, you wanna go
to the party together?

Jerry, look, come on,
I'm an invited guest.

I can't be aiding and abetting
some party crasher.

Excuse me, dentist? Dentist?


Are you a dentist?

Are you a dentist?

These are the balloons?

Big deal. All I see
is Woody Woodpecker.

You got a problem
with Woody Woodpecker?

Yeah. What is he,
some sort of an instigator?

That's right. He's a troublemaker.

Hey, did you get my message?

What? I can't hear
a word you're saying.

I was stuck at the Dixieland Deli
all day. My head is still ringing.

Where's Tim?

What's that,
the Empire State Building?

What? I can't hear you!

Elaine, would you marry me?

Wh...? I told you,
I can't hear a word.

All right. Forget it.

- Hey, Tim, how you doing?
- George. Kramer, how you doing?

Watch... Watch the arm.

Listen, we don't wanna bother you.
We know you're busy.

- No, it's okay, what is it?
- Let me show you something.

- Take a look.
- I'm gonna get going.

Let me take down your number.

- Hey, is that Jerry Seinfeld?
- Hey, he didn't come with us.

- Tim, the pencil.
- Jerry.

- Hey, Tim.
- Jerry. I didn't think you'd show.

Did you say, "Jerry,
I didn't think you'd show"...

or "Jerry, I didn't think
you'd show."

- Elaine, hi.
- Tim.

I'm really glad you came.

- What?
- I'm really glad you came.

Listen, Elaine,
I've been wanting to ask you...

would you like to go out with me
New Year's Eve?


What? What?

Let me ask you something.

Could you tell if teeth marks
on somebody's arm...

matched teeth marks on a pencil?

- It's possible.
- Roll up your sleeve.

Somebody bit you?

Well, not just someone.
Jon Voight.

- Jon Voight bit you?
- Yeah, yeah.

The pencil.
Get the pencil out of your mouth!

You're destroying
Jon Voight's teeth marks.

- That's Jon Voight's pencil?
- That's right.

And I got his whole car downstairs.

Are you the one you bought
his LeBaron convertible?

- Yes! Yes!
- Yes!

Yes, I'm the one.

- So you know Jon Voight?
- Yes. I went to dental school with him.

- Jon Voight, the actor?
- No.

The periodontist.

Can't this wait until Monday?
Come by my office.

- Just a quick peek. I'm in agony.
- All right. Sit down.

It's this one here in the back.

You popped Woody Woodpecker!

Hey, who invited you anyway?
You're a troublemaker.

Looks like Woody Woodpecker
is running out of air.

In fact, he's collapsing.

Those kids look pretty disappointed.

Especially that big kid
up in the front.

How old is he?

- Hello.
- Hello, is this Jerry Seinfeld?

- Yes, it is.
- You don't know me...

but a really
strange thing happened.

I was at a garage sale,
and this old couple...

sold me used sneakers...

they claimed belonged
to Jerry Seinfeld, the comedian.

Could I have the address
to that garage sale?

Okay, thank you very much.

I found Mom and Pop.
They're selling my sneakers.

- Where are they?
- Parsippany, New Jersey.

Let's go.

- My car's in the shop.
- How are we getting to Parsippany?


these nosebleeds
are starting again.

Maybe we should get you
to a hospital.

I ain't going to no Bellevue.

Look at me,
I'm falling apart here.

The marching band
is a perfect example...

of taking something bad
and making it difficult too.

I mean, why does the band
have to march? We're not moving.

Maybe if they hold still,
we could all leave.

Is that why they do it?
People try and get away.

"No, you don't. I'm right with you.
Right with you, buddy."

The human urge to wave
at total strangers just moving by...

is very strong, isn't it?

Parades and ocean liners...

and those little trains that
go through amusement parks.

It's always that bittersweet,
kind of hello-goodbye...

combination wave, isn't it? Just:

I've never seen these people
before in my life...

and they're leaving.