Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 6, Episode 7 - The Soup - full transcript

Kramer convinces Jerry to get a free Armani suit from hack comic Kenny Bania. But when Bania decides that he doesn't want anything except for dinner, Jerry has a hard time accepting the suit knowing that there is a far greater catch involved. Things get even worse when, during the dinner, Bania insists that soup doesn't count as a meal. Meanwhile, Elaine has a British friend stay with her for a week.

If you have a close friend
and they get involved...

with someone in a relationship,
it affects your friendship, doesn't it?

Because you're like a comedy team,
and now there's this third person.

It kind of throws off the timing:
"Who's on first?"

"l don't know.

Dear, who do you think
is on first?"

Whenever a friend starts with
a new girlfriend, he should just say:

"l look like the person
you used to know...

but I've been modified
to survive in this relationship.

In other words, if we're having
an argument and she's there...

I may say,
'l totally disagree with you.'

But what that means is:

'I'd like to help you out, but I'd rather
continue to see her naked.'"

Okay, cowboys, what will you have?

I'll have the turkey club
without the bacon.

And I'll have the bacon club
without the turkey.

George, don't make me
get tough with you.

Why? You think you can
beat me up?

You wouldn't want me to mess up
that beautiful face of yours.

Stop it. Stop it.

You don't want bacon.
I'll surprise you.

- Is she not terrific?
- She does have a way.

You think she thinks
I have a beautiful face?

Well, they do work on tips.

"George, don't make me
get tough with you."

Who says that? She is really cool.

What do you think?
You think she likes me?

I should've got the egg-white omelet.

Why should she like me? Who am l?
There's a million people to like.

The omelet. Damn.

Maybe she could like me.
Is it that far-fetched?

Maybe she sees something.
Is it possible?

- No. Not possible.
- No. Not possible.

- Hey.
- Hey, Laney.

- How was the trip?
- What trip? You were gone?

I went to England.

With Mr. Pitt, for five days?

- How was it?
- Actually, it was great.

I met an Englishman,
and we really hit it off.

Well, that relationship has
obviously got a lot of potential.

Yeah, well, Jerome...

I happen to be flying him in
on my frequent-flier miles.

Flying him in?
How long is he staying for?

It's an open-ended ticket.
He can return anytime he wants.

All this in five days.

Oh, no. It's Kenny Bania.

- Who's he?
- He's this awful comedian.

- Hey, Jerry.
- Hey, Kenny.

- Elaine, George.
- Hi.

- How's it going?
- Great. I've been working out.

Went from a size 40 to a 42.

- No kidding?
- Yeah. I'm huge.

- Well, I'll leave you guys alone.
- Okay, thanks.

Oh, Jerry, you know
what just hit me? I was thinking...

- What size suit are you?
- I'm a 40. Why?

I just got a brand-new Armani suit,
doesn't fit me anymore. You want it?

Well, I don't know if...

Oh, come on.
Why should it sit in a closet?

- An Armani suit?
- Take the suit.

Well, okay, I guess.

- You gonna be home later?
- Yeah.

I'll drop it off.

- Hey, new suit!
- Yeah, yeah. Lucky me.

Here, I personally made you
a cold chicken sandwich.

It's not even on the menu.

Oh, this is fabulous.

Boy, she is nice.

I like her. I like her, Jerry.
She's got substance.

She oozes substance.

Well, go in there and talk to her.

She's not gonna put them
on the glass.

You mean the walk back in?

That's the toughest move
in the business.

You're sending me
into no man's land...

and if I get shot down,
I have to crawl back.

Well, I can't do it, I tell you!

Pull yourself together.
You're going in there, soldier.

That's an order!

Get in there.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Listen, I need you
to do me a favor.

- What?
- Help me move my refrigerator.

- Why?
- Because I'm getting rid of it.

- Yeah?
- It's K.B. I have the suit.

All right, come on up.

- So....
- Why get rid of your refrigerator?

After that kidney stone,
I only want fresh food.

It's gotta be fresh.
I'm not eating any more stored food.

Plus, you know, I want the space.

- What for?
- Well, I could put a dresser in there.

I could get dressed
while I'm making breakfast.


- Here you go.
- Yeah.

Didn't think I was really gonna
give you a suit, did you?

- You're giving him this suit?
- That's right. And it's Armani.


- Hey, Armani, Jerry.
- Yes, yes, I heard.

- Come on, try it on.
- No, it's okay.

- Come on. I want to see how it fits.
- All right.

- There you go.
- There, okay?

Oh, boy. Look at that.
That looks great.

- I can't believe you're giving him this.
- And I don't even want anything for it.

- He's very generous, isn't he?
- Yes. Yes, he is.

I'll tell you what, you can take me
out to dinner sometime.

- Dinner?
- Yeah, you buy me a meal.

- Can't get a better deal than that.
- You'll never get a better deal.

- All right, I'll leave you alone.
- Yeah, yeah.

Look at that. Armani. Yeah.

Yeah, that's a deal.
That's a terrible deal.

I don't want to go out to dinner
with him. I'd rather make my own suit.

- I did it. It's all done.
- Hey.

I did it. We're going out
as soon as she gets off work.

And it'll still be daytime.

I'm better in the daytime than at night.
It's less pressure.

I love the day date.

- No wine, no shower.
- There you go.

- So the trip was good?
- Yes.

Apart from that dreadful airline food.

Wreaked absolute havoc
with my stomach.

You know, I have to say,
I've never admitted this to anyone...

but I kind of like airline food.

That's probably because of....


- What?
- Yeah, what?


Where I come from,
we don't say "what."

It's proper to say "pardon."

Oh, this should be interesting.

- Pardon?
- Nothing.

So then, about a year ago, I started
selling these funky little hair clips.

It's going pretty good.
I make them in my apartment.

I'm just waitressing because I wanted
to go to Europe this summer...

and I could use a few extra...

Oh, it's just horse manure.
Horse manure's not that bad.

I don't even mind
the word "manure."

You know, it's "nure,"
which is good...

and a "ma" in front of it.

When you consider the other choices,
"manure" is actually pretty refreshing.

- That's a nice watch, George.
- Yeah.

You know, my boyfriend
has the same one.

- Really?
- Yeah, he loves watches.

- He's a real watch freak.
- Well, how about that?

- Oh, look out. You stepped right in it.
- Yes. I sure did.

So you just pretended
it didn't bother you?

What is that? Boyfriend?
I don't understand that.

What does she think
I asked her out for?

It's the way they just slip it
in there too.

Yeah, like it's all just part
of the conversation.

"My boyfriend really likes watches.
He's a real watch freak."

Well, that's fabulous.

Well, let me ask you this. What exactly
did you say when you asked her out?

I said, "Would you like
to go for a walk or something?"

- Oh, a walk? Well....
- Or something. I said "or something."

Or something?

- Yeah, that's a date.
- There you go.

Of course, there is always the
possibility that she called an audible.

- What do you mean?
- She got to the line of scrimmage...

didn't like the looks of the defense
and changed the play.

I think things were going okay.
We were having a nice conversation.

I mentioned how I liked
horse manure.

- You did?
- Yeah.

- You said you liked horse manure?
- Yeah.

You know, about how, when you break
it down, it's really a very positive thing.

You know, you have a "nure"
with a "ma" in front of it.

Manure. It's not bad.

And it was around this point
she mentioned the boyfriend?


Oh, you think because
of what I said about the manure?

I was just saying how
it takes a negative thing...

and puts a positive spin on it.

I'm just saying there's a chance
she may not have been enamored...

with your thoughts and feelings
on manure.

So you don't think
she really has a boyfriend.

My honest opinion?
I think she made it up.

Well, then she's just a liar,
isn't she?


You want something to eat,
don't you?

Oh, no, no, no.
You got me all wrong, buddy.

I am loving this no refrigerator.
You know what I discovered?

I really like depriving myself of things.
It's fun. Very monastic.

- Well, what do you eat?
- It's all fresh.

Fresh fish, fresh fowl, fresh fruit.
I buy it. I eat it.

- Well, I'm glad it's working out.
- Oh, yeah. It's working out.

And I got a date with that waitress
who works at Reggie's.

Boy, if I could meet a hostess,
we could open up our own place.

Yeah. Well, I'll tell you,
she's a full-figured gal.

- Is she?
- Oh, you better believe it, buddy.

- George, we could double sometime.
- Yeah, yeah, we could.

You know, Kramer,
the next time you talk to her...

find out if she knows Kelly
from Monk's.

I want to know
if she really has a boyfriend.

All right, let's get over here.

- Hello.
- Hi, Jerry. It's Kenny.

- Oh, hi.
- I was thinking, if you're not busy...

maybe I can get my meal today?

Yeah, you want to get that meal,
don't you?

How about Mendy's.
Ever been there?

- No, I haven't.
- You're gonna love it.

- I'll meet you there around 7.
- All right.

Yeah, I really needed that suit.

I start off with curls.
That's good for the bicep.

I do 10 reps, two sets.

That's fantastic.

- You work out with weights?
- I don't.

- You should.
- Why?

- You worn the suit yet?
- No, not yet.

- Have you decided?
- Oh, get the swordfish.

Best swordfish in the city.
The best, Jerry.

I'll have the salmon.

And you?

You know what I think?
I'm just gonna have soup.

Yeah, I'll save the meal
for another time.

Another time? What other time?

I had a hot dog earlier.
I'm not that hungry.

No, no, Bania, no.

This is the dinner.
The soup counts.

Soup's not a meal.
You're supposed to buy me a meal.

I'm not stopping you from eating.
Go ahead. Get anything you want.

- But I don't want anything but soup.
- Then that's the meal.

But I had the hot dog.

Who told you to have a hot dog?

Hey, I give you
a brand-new Armani suit...

and you won't even
buy me a meal.

All right, fine. Get the soup.

So he just gets soup.
He wants to save the meal.

So now I got to do it
all over again.

What kind of soup did he get?

I don't know.
Consommé or something.

- Consommé.
- What?

Well, that's really not a meal, Jerry.

I mean, if he had gotten
chicken gumbo or matzo ball...

even mushroom barley,
then I would agree with you.

Those are very hearty soups.

- You're missing the whole point.
- What?

The meal is the act
of sitting down with him.

It doesn't matter what you get.

As long as he's sitting
in that restaurant, it's a meal.

- Was it a cup or a bowl?
- You see? Again.

- I'm just curious.
- A bowl, okay?

Did he crumble any crackers in it?

Did he crumble any crackers in it?

As a matter of fact, he did.

Oh, well, crackers in a bowl.
That could be a meal.

It's like I'm talking
to my aunt Sylvia here.

- Hi, Simon. This is Jerry.
- Hello.

- Elaine, do you have cash on you?
- Yeah, in my purse.

No, there was only $6.

Well, I have some money.
What do you need?

Twenty should cover me.
Thanks, mate.

- Where are you going?
- Just visiting.

- Okay. See you later.
- I won't be back for dinner.


- So is she working? Is she here?
- Yeah, yeah, she's here.

- Have you said anything?
- No. I'm very uncomfortable.

- Are you gonna say anything?
- I don't know. I don't know.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Well, what's it going to be?

- "What's it gonna be?"
- Yes. What will you have?

Are you eating?
It's in that vein.

- I'll just have a bowl of chili.
- I'll have an egg-white omelet.

- "What's it gonna be?" Hear that?
- Yeah, that was bad.

Did you feel that tension?

We used to have banter.
There's no more banter.

Oh, no. It's Kenny.
Slide out so he can't sit here.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- You worn the suit yet?
- Actually I did.

I put it on last night
and slept in it.

- You did?
- No, I'm joking.

Can I squeeze in?

Sure you can.


- Can I take your order?
- What kind of soup do you have?

Why don't you get a sandwich.

Okay. I'll have tomato soup
and tuna on toast.

Okay. This is it, you know.

This is the meal.
So stock up, buddy boy.

What are you talking about?
This isn't a meal.

Yes, it is. Soup and sandwich.
That is a meal.

You're supposed to buy me dinner
in a nice restaurant like Mendy's.

- I tried to do that.
- This is lunch in a coffee shop.

It doesn't matter. This is it.
This completes the transaction.

Oh, soup and a sandwich
for a brand-new Armani suit.

- Is that any kind of a gesture?
- I'm really not comfortable...

Hey, I just spoke to Hildy
about your friend.

- Yeah?
- She doesn't have a boyfriend.

She made it up.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Where's Simon?
- Oh, he'll be right up.

He's just getting some beer.

And I'm not expecting any change.

- When's he leaving?
- About two days.

Although he's hinting
at how he'd like to stay.

Fortunately, he has no money
and no prospects.

- Hey, mate. Fancy a beer?
- No, thanks.


No, I'm sorry, Bania.
I'm not going over this again.

Well, who told you to order soup?

No, there's no dinner.
There's not going to be any dinner.

You've had a sandwich
and two bowls of soup, and that's it.


- Hey, what size suit are you?
- Forty.

Forty. Perfect.

- Brand-new Armani suit, you want it?
- Absolutely.

Great. It's yours.
I can't stand the sight of it.

- Elaine, here's the car keys.
- Thanks.

- Yep.
- Listen, Jerry.

I been doing some thinking.
I want my suit back.

I don't have your suit.
I gave it away.

- Well, it's my suit.
- Well, it's gone.

I'm sorry. Goodbye, Bania.

- Hey.
- Hey.


- Well, how's everything?
- Okay.


- What's going on?
- Nothing.


You want food, don't you?

It's not for me, it's for Hildy,
the waitress I was telling you about.

She's hungry. She wants food.

If I go back in there without any food,
there's gonna be trouble.

All right, go ahead.

- Did you find anything?
- Yeah.

There's a few things in here.
Peanut butter, cheese. Yeah.

- Cheese is good. What kind?
- Swiss.

All right, it'll have to do. Come on.

What are you doing out here?

I can't go in there.
I'm too uncomfortable.

So we're not gonna go
in there anymore?

Hey, what are you doing out here?

We can't eat here anymore,
because he took a waitress for a walk.

What's the difference?
Let's go to Reggie's.

- Reggie's? I can't eat anything there.
- It's the same menu.

There's no big salad.

They'll make you a big salad.

What do you think, they're
the only ones that make a big salad?

All right, let's go to Reggie's.

So, what's going on with Simon?
Did he leave?

Wait till you hear this.

So Simon picks this woman up
right in front of me.

Look at this. They make a point
of saying on the menu:

"No egg-white omelets."
Look at that.

So what? Have a yolk.
It won't kill you.

- Hello.
- Oh, hi, Hildy.

Could I get an egg-white omelet?

- Did you read the menu?
- All right. Just give me a western.

- How about a big salad?
- A big salad?

- You see?
- Just tell her what you want.

They'll make it for you.

It's a salad, only bigger,
with lots of stuff in it.

I can bring you two small salads.

Could you put it in a big bowl?

We don't have big bowls.

- All right, just give me a cup of decaf.
- We have Sanka.

I mean, it's not fair.
I've been going there for seven years.

- She's been there three weeks.
- Not fair.

If anyone should be forced to leave,
it should be her.

She's on your turf.

If only she could get fired.
Is there any way that could happen?

I mean, I know how
to get myself fired.

- You're the best.
- Well....

How do I get someone else fired?

Well, as I see it...

you've got to apply the same
principles that get you fired...

but redirected outwardly.

- Hey.
- Hey.

She's hungry, Jerry.

Well, there's nothing left.
There's no food.

No food?

Well, you gotta have something.
I can't go back in there with no food.

She expecting something, Jerry.

You don't know what she's like
when that blood sugar drops.

There, you see, she's already
in a bad mood. She just got fired.

Why did she get fired?

Because I called over there
a couple of times...

and the manager didn't like it.

Simon is definitely going back now.

He's meeting me here
to return my keys.

Boy, he's a real bounder, isn't he?

Yes, he's one of those bounders.

- Egg-white omelet, big salad.
- Thank you.

I wanted you guys to know
that Friday is my last day.

Bloomingdale's ordered
a bunch of my clips.

Thank God. I don't have
to do this anymore.

Hey, Jerry. Where's my suit?

I don't have it.
You want half my omelet?

I told you, she's busy.

She can't come to the phone now.

Tell your boyfriend
to stop calling here.

He's not my boyfriend.

It's that bald guy with the glasses
who's always here with them.

He's trying to get me in trouble.

Hey! Yeah.

I got a message for you.

You tell your friend George...

that the next time
I see him around here...

I'm gonna turn him into my own
personal hand puppet.

Well, hello.
Here you are, as promised.

You see, I'm a man of my word.

- When are you leaving?
- Are you trying to get rid of me?

I was supposed to leave tomorrow, but
I've been set up with a job interview...

that might enable me to extend
my visit indefinitely.

And it is all due to this suit.

How do I look?

I'm a shoo-in, aren't l?
Thanks again, hon.

Hey, Kenny. You still
wanna get that suit back?

- Yeah.
- There it goes.

Hey! Hey!

Come here, you.

- Wait, what are you...? Unhand me!
- Take it off!