Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 6, Episode 6 - The Gymnast - full transcript

I never figured out why they make these
bizarre toilet seats that they have.

You know? Like those clear Lucite
ones with all the coins in it?

It's a lovely tribute to our
past president. It's not bad enough...

Lincoln got shot in the head, we
gotta drop our pants and sit on it too.

It's just incomprehensible
that you would buy a thing like this.

You install it on your toilet seat.
And this says what about you?

I can't afford to throw money down
the toilet, but look how close I am.

I cannot believe Lindsay's seeing you
after that Breakfast at Tiffany's thing.

I think she finds
my stupidity charming.

- As we all do.
- Yeah.

Anyway, she's having some kind
of a family lunch. I'll swing by after.



- So you gonna meet the mother?
- I'll zip in. "How do you do?"

- Zip out. She'll love me.
- You're good with the mothers.

You know, I'm better with the mothers
than I am with the daughters.

- Maybe you should date the mothers.
- If I could talk to the mothers...

and have sex with the daughters,
then I'd really have something going.

- You've got something going.
- Yeah.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- You got a hammer?
- What do you need a hammer for?

I got this new poster, 3-D art.
Computers generate it.

- Yeah, I wanna see that. Bring it over.
- I don't have it now.

I gotta pick it up at Mr. Pitt's.
Elaine was framing stuff for him...

so she did me a favor.
Wanna take a ride?

- No, I don't think so.
- George, you wanna go for a ride?

- No.
- Oh, come on!



Could you wait until the man
finishes...?

All right, I've had it with you two.

Hey, guess what? Remember that
woman you saw me with?

She used to be
an Olympic gymnast.

- A gymnast?
- Yeah. She's Romanian.

She won a silver
at the '84 Olympics.

A gymnast, Jerry.
Think of the flexibility.

That sex will melt your face.

- Yeah, well, I think I'm bailing.
- Bailing?

Kramer, there's always a price
to pay for just a sexual dalliance.

Jerry, you should pay that price.

She's Romanian. What will I talk
to her about? Ceausescu?

Ch... What?

Gymnast? I can't believe it.
You didn't tell me she was a gymnast.

What is this?

I'm putting my shirt back on.

Back on? What was it doing off?

I take it off when I go to the....
You know, to the office.

What for?

Frees me up, no encumbrances.

- Unbuttoned or all the way off?
- All the way, baby.

Of course.

Again? Kramer, if you keep
getting these attacks...

you should see the doctor
and have it checked out.

Yeah, yeah.

- You always take the shirt off?
- Always.

I tell you, knowing you is like going
into the jungle.

I never know what I'm gonna find next,
and I'm real scared.

Elaine, I need you to proofread
this report for my meeting...

with the Poland Creek
bottled-water people.

- What meeting?
- I told you.

I sit on the board of trustees
for Morgan Springs...

and we're trying to acquire
Poland Creek.

Are you using a fountain pen?

- Yes.
- They smear.

Under no circumstances is ink
to be used in this office.

All right, I'll use a pencil, Mr. Pitt.

- Elaine.
- Come in. Come in.

Yeah.

Hi, right there. Yeah.

- That's not it.
- Kramer, it's that...

- There she blows.
- Kramer?

Kramer, could you do this at home?
I don't think...

- I've got work to do, okay?
- These are nice corners.

Elaine, did I hear...?
This is very odd.

Yeah, it's 3-D art. Computers
generate them, big computers.

Yes, I've heard about these.
How do they work?

You blur your eyes like you're staring
straight through the picture...

and you keep
your eyes unfocused.

Then....

Yeah!

- I don't see it.
- It's a spaceship...

- surrounded by planets, asteroids.
- I still don't see it.

Okay. Kramer, that's enough.
Mr. Pitt has got work to do.

You ever dream in 3-D?

It's like the boogeyman
is coming right at you.

- A spaceship, where?
- Right in here.

Just keep your eyes unfocused.

- Oh, Mama.
- Kramer, what's wrong?

- Mama.
- Kramer, are you okay?

I think I got to go to the doctor.
Oh, Mama!

How long does it usually take?

George, it is so nice
to finally meet you.

And I'm sorry
we've kept Lindsay so long.

- Mother.
- No, no, not at all.

I have always felt that the
most important thing in the world...

is spending time with family.

Are you and your family close?

Very close. Almost painfully close.

Mother, I'm gonna walk Nana
and Aunt Phyllis to the elevator.

George, do you mind
waiting one more minute?

Mind? Why would I mind?
I would love to wait.

Nana, nice to see you. Nana!

Aunt Phyllis, always a pleasure,
what a pleasure.

Hey, let's do this again real soon.
I had fun.

- Can I offer you anything to eat?
- No, I'm fine.

- Let me help you with these dishes.
- George, you don't have to.

No, I know I don't have to,
I want to.

George, you are such a gentleman.

I'd argue if I could, Mrs. Enright.

Here we go. All right.

Mrs. Enright!

Mrs. Enright!

Look, there's a spaceship.
That is so cool.

Where is it?

- Right here.
- I'm looking there!

- No, no, unfocus.
- I am unfocused!

Hello?

Oh, yeah. Okay, fine.
He'll be right down.

Car's here to pick you up
and take you to the meeting.

Meeting?

The Poland Creek merger.

- Why don't you go for me?
- How can I go?

All they're gonna do
is read the report.

Mr. Pitt, I do not think
that is just such a good idea.

Oh, damn this thing!

So Ceausescu,
he must have been some dictator.

Yes, he was not shy about dictating.

He must have been dictating
first thing in the morning.

- I want a cup of coffee and a muffin.
- And you could not refuse.

No, you'd have to be crazy.

- He was a very bad dictator.
- Yes.

Very bad.

Very, very bad.

So let me get this straight.
You find yourself in the kitchen.

You see an éclair
in the receptacle...

and you think to yourself:

"What the hell,
I'll just eat some trash."

No, no, no. It was not trash.

- Was it in the trash?
- Yes.

Then it was trash.

It wasn't down in.
It was sort of on top.

- But it was in the cylinder.
- Above the rim.

Adjacent to refuse is refuse.

It was on a magazine,
and it still had the doily on.

- Was it eaten?
- One little bite.

Well, that's garbage.

But I know who took the bite.
It was her aunt.

You, my friend, have crossed the line
that divides man and bum.

You are now a bum.

Hey.

What's with you?

I got a stone.

- What stone?
- A kidney stone.

What is that, anyway?

It's a stony mineral concretion...

formed abnormally in the kidney.

And this jagged shard of calcium
pushes its way through the ureter...

into the bladder.
It's forced out through the urine.

Boy, that's gotta hurt.

Our shareholders
have given basic approval...

for the merger,
including the stock swap.

The stock swap.
Let's swap some stock.

If you'll just give this to Mr. Pitt
and tell him that we expect...

to be in full-scale production
by the spring.

All right. Hey, you guys,
what's the name...

- of the new company gonna be?
- Moland Spring.

- Moland?
- Yes.

We combined Morgan and Poland.

Yeah, I know, but Moland?

I wouldn't drink
anything called Moland.

But it was Mr. Pitt's idea.

Well, what's in a name?
I mean, water is water, right?

We've got to do something
about that name.

No, Lindsay, it was not in the garbage.
It was above the garbage.

Hovering like an angel.

Of course I know your aunt bit it.
I kissed her goodbye.

Listen, can I tell you something else?
In my family...

we used to eat out of the garbage
all the time. It was no big thing.

That's right. Okay.

Bye-bye. I'm back in.
She gave me a second chance.

- Good for you.
- Yes. Good for me.

You know what you should do now?
Get her flowers, smooth it out.

Yes. Flowers. I will get her flowers.
I will go to the florist.

Behold, the games
of the '84 Olympiad.

- Katya's silver-medal performance.
- Kramer, you're still on this?

I've seen gymnasts.
I know what they do.

- It's not gonna make any difference.
- Jerry, what is your problem?

Kramer, you know,
guys like you with no conscience...

don't know what it's like
for guys like me.

I'm in the unfortunate position of
having to consider people's feelings.

All right, Jerry, are you familiar
with the Kama Sutra?

- No.
- Tantric yoga.

- No.
- Jerry, you stand on the threshold...

to the magical world
of sensual delights...

that most men dare not dream of.

Boy, you can really talk some trash.

I guess that's better than eating it.

All right, why don't we just watch
the tape, huh?

- Did you pass your stone yet?
- Not yet.

But the suspense is killing me.

- Hey, that's her.
- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's her.

Look at the height, Jerry,
the extension.

Watch the tuck,
handstand, half turn...

giant into a straddle,
back into another handstand...

nice kip, reverse hecht.

Nice leg extension. Good form.

Here comes the big dismount.
Look at the rotation.

Full in, double back,
and she sticks the landing.

Perhaps you'd like to keep the tape.

I'll take that as a yes.

Well, here we are.

Yes, we are here.

How did you stay on that beam
like that? It's only this wide.

I can balance myself in any position.

It is amazing, after years of training,
how one can contort one's body.

Of course, it is only useful
in gymnastics.

Oh, boy.

I couldn't believe it.
I thought I was entering...

a magical world
of sensual delights.

It was just so ordinary.
There was nothing gymnastic about it.

What did you think
she was going to do?

You know, I mean.... I don't know.

No, what?

- Obviously, I prefer not mention any...
- Did you think she was gonna take...

- some of that chalk and...
- I really don't wanna get into it.

- Oh, come on. One thing.
- You know, any kind of specifics.

One thing. What?

Well, frankly, I thought, you know,
I was gonna be like the apparatus.

You mean like
the uneven parallel bars?

- Again, I don't feel like...
- The balance beam?

- Could we stop?
- Not the pommel horse.

Let's just drop it.

So let me ask you this.
How long would you say...

I have to put in now
because of, you know, last night?

- I don't know, at least three weeks.
- Oh, great.

Jerry, that is such small potatoes.

I think that I may have
single-handedly put the kibosh...

- on the big water merger.
- Between Poland and Morgan?

Yeah. Started a big
name controversy.

Kramer. The stone.

What happened?
Did you pass the stone?

No, I tried to do a reverse hecht
off my couch, and I didn't make it.

You call this coffee?

Hey!

What the hell was that?

- I'm terribly sorry.
- Clean that up!

Oh, sure. Of course.

Could you hold these
for just a second?

Here you go.
Don't worry about a thing.

It's gonna be fine.
Here we go. Look at this shine.

Look at this sparkle.

Mrs. Enright! Mrs. Enright!

Mrs. Enright!

Lindsay, I had accidentally spilled
coffee on the gentleman's windshield.

Why would I do that? I have a job.

Well, did she see a squeegee?

You're not gonna make
a dime without a squeegee.

That's right. Just tell your mother
it was all a big misunderstanding.

You won't regret it.

Okay, I'll see you later.

Bye-bye.

Strike two.

- You think I'm going down?
- You're behind in the count.

- Hey, what are you doing later?
- Going out with Katya, thanks to you.

Well, you know,
maybe you should try again.

You know what happens the first time.
People are a little shy, a little reticent.

If I do it again, that extends
my payment book another two weeks.

- Where are you going?
- The circus.

One of her old Olympic teammates
is an acrobat.

- I don't even feel like going out.
- Jerry, it's your obligation, come on.

Yeah, well, if I gotta go
and spend time with this girl...

you're coming with me,
Dr. Cyclops.

- No, I don't wanna go to the circus.
- Yeah? Well, you're going.

But I'm afraid of clowns.

I didn't send you over there
to complain about the name.

I couldn't help it. Moland Springs?

I like the name Moland.

I picked it out.

After all those months
of negotiating.

- Well, I'm so sorry.
- Well, I'm going riding.

I haven't been on Jenny
for three days.

All because of this blasted painting.

- Elaine?
- Oh, sorry.

Hello.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

So, Jerry,
you're enjoying the circus?

Greatest show on earth.

My father used to take me
to the circus.

When the elephants came by,
he would scream curses at them...

blaming them for all the ills
of society.

Well, they certainly take up
a lot of space.

- Misha.
- Katya.

Misha, this is Jerry.

Yes, the comedian.

Oh, yes. Yes, I'll tell him.
Yes, thank you.

Hold on, hold on. Mr. Pitt?

I think I'm on to something.

Mr. Pitt, the board of directors
is on the phone.

They've called
an emergency meeting.

You need to be there
to discuss the merger.

You said keep your eyes out of focus,
which is misleading.

You want deep focus.

Yes, hi, okay. Fine. Yeah.
Hold on just a second. Let me just...

Yeah, I've got it...

Yeah, he'll be there.

Mr. Pitt, you have got to stop
staring at that poster!

I see something that could be a
spaceship. Is it round? Is it pointed?

No! You don't see it,
and you're never gonna see it!

Mr. Pitt, you have to meet with the
shareholders. You have to leave now.

Do you hear me? Do you hear me?

My goodness.
What's happened to me?

- When's the meeting?
- In about 20 minutes.

Do I have time to change?

- No.
- Well, excuse me.

I better get straight over there.

- Mr. Pitt...
- Yes?

- There's a...
- Is that ink?

No.

Well, here we are.

Do you wanna come in?
My mother's having a little party.

- Maybe I could just use the bathroom.
- Sure.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I direct
your attention to the center ring...

where the incomparable Misha
will balance 10 stories...

above the circus floor on a wire
no wider than a human thumb.

It is time.

Break a leg.

- Show biz.
- Ladies and gentlemen...

the incomparable Misha!

Those capes
are really coming back.

Sorry I took so long. They've got
one of those 3-D art posters in there.

It's mesmerizing.

What is that sound?

It is horrible.

Anybody see that poster in there?
That is weird, wild stuff, huh?

I have been accused
of wrongdoing...

but these false accusations
will not deter us.

We will annex Poland by the spring
at any cost!

And our stock will rise high.

The doctor said Misha
is going to be all right.

I must go and be with Misha now.

- I don't want you to come with me.
- Why not?

It has been three days
since our night together.

Misha said that was all the time
I needed to put in.

- Really?
- In my country...

they speak of a man so virile,
so potent...

that to spend a night
with such a man is to enter a world...

of sensual delights
most women dare not dream of.

This man is known
as the comedian.

You may tell jokes, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld,
but you are no comedian.