Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 6, Episode 5 - The Couch - full transcript

Love seat is an interesting little item
there. I guess some guy just thought:

"If we cann't get them to sit closer to us
why not just shorten the furniture?"

My favorite furniture brand
is the La-Z-Boy.

This is very flattering
to the prospective customer, isn't it?

Why not call it the half-conscious-
deadbeat-with-no-job-home-all-day...

eating-Cheetos
and-watching-TV recliner?

And it goes back so far, that thing.

I mean, go to bed already.
It's over. You're wiped.

So she got you to join a book club?

I got a feeling I'm gonna be
much smarter than you pretty soon.

Well, I think that statement alone
reflects your burgeoning intelligence.



- What about this one?
- No, I don't like that one.

- So, what's your first book?
- Breakfast at Tiffany's. Ninety pages.

- It's kind of old, isn't it?
- They wanted a Truman Capote book.

Oh, sure, Truman Capote.

- He's a great writer.
- Oh, yeah.

- Ever read anything by him?
- No. You?

No.

What about this one?

Look at this. This is it.

This is what I'm looking for.

Oh, yeah.

- Hey, what's going on?
- New couch, baby.

New couch? Why?

I love this couch. The best part is
it doesn't fold out...



so no one can sleep over.

Hello.

Hello.

Oh, let me get the door for you.

Be careful.

Wait till you see it. It's perfect.

The guy told me it's one of a kind.
They stopped making it.

What are you doing
with your old couch?

The moving guys are taking it.
You want it?

Yeah, I'll take it.

I'm sure they can deliver it to you.

Yes, they can.

- Hey, couch is coming.
- It's here.

All right. Yeah. You know,
I'm excited about this, Jerry.

In a way, I feel like I'm getting
a new couch.

Yeah, so do l.

You remember Poppie?

- You mean from Poppie's restaurant?
- Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, we're going
into business together.

Remember my idea
about the place...

- where you make your own pizza?
- What was that again?

It's a pizza place
where you make your own pie.

We give you the dough,
the sauce, the cheese.

You pound it, slap it,
you flip it up into the air...

put your toppings on,
and you slide it into the oven.

That sounds good, huh?

I can't wait to get me a fella
and make my own pie.

What made you resurrect
that old idea?

Well, I happened to be
eating at Poppie's...

when I told him the old idea
and his eyes:

Just lit up.

- You know, he wants to back it.
- I heard Poppie's was good. Let's go.

I'm not going. Didn't he get busted
by the board of health?

No, that was in the past, Jerry.

As it happens, New York magazine
just judged his kitchen...

to be one of the cleanest
in the city.

They got a duck there, you think
you died and went to heaven.

I love duck. Come on, come on.

You gotta order it
two days in advance.

I'll call them,
I'll order the duck for you.

Kramer, l...

Right there, guys. That's perfect.

What do you think, Lainey?

Well, I don't know.
I'll have to sit on it.

Oh, no, I don't want anyone
sitting on it.

Sign here.

Excuse me. I was wondering
if it would be possible...

if you could you deliver
the old couch to my apartment?

- It's not very far.
- Sure.

Okay. You got room in the truck
for me?

I think we can squeeze you in.

Oh, goody. Okay. Well...

I'll see you chumps later.

Did you offer those guys a drink?

No. Should I have?

- What kind of a person are you?
- I don't know.

Okay, Breakfast at Tiffany's.

So he puts the couch down...

and just as he's about to leave,
he says, "Do you date moving men?"

- You wanna know what I said?
- I can't wait.

"l do now."

- Clever.
- Is that something?

- Is that something?
- Yes, you're something.

So anyway, when they
were in my house before...

I didn't offer them
anything to drink.

Well, they're real men, Jerry.
They get sweaty.

So anyone sweaty in your house
has to be offered a drink?

Yes.

Would you apologize for me?

Hello. Jerry, so good
to see you again.

Hello...

Poppie.

- This is Elaine.
- Nice to meet you, Poppie.

- Let me show you to your table.
- Okay.

Your duck is cooking
as we speak.

It is so succulent, so succulent.

So Kramer told us all about
your business venture together.

Your friend and I are gonna make
a lot of money.

Of course,
I already have a lot of money.

Poppie does very well.

Very well.

Well, your mother must be
very proud of you.

My mother
was taken from my house...

by the communists
in the middle of the night...

when I was 10 years old.

She was sent
to a slave-labor camp...

where she labored for 12 years.

Finally, they released her...

and she was on a boat to America
to reunite with us.

But she was served some bad fish,
and she died on the high seas.

So, what's good tonight?

Boy, I'm really looking forward
to this duck.

I've never had food
ordered in advance before.

Could have stayed home
and ordered pizza from Pokeno's.

Pokeno's? Oh, no. You should never
order pizza from Pokeno's.

- Why not?
- The owner contributes money...

to those fanatical
anti-abortion groups.

- So you won't eat the pizza?
- No way.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, what if...

Poppie felt the same way?

Well, I guess I wouldn't
eat here then.

Really?

Yeah, that's right.

Well, perhaps we should inquire.

Poppie? Oh, Poppie?

- Could I have a word?
- Yes, Jerry. I just checked your duck.

It is more succulent
than even I had hoped.

Poppie, I was just curious.
Where do you stand on abortion?

When my mother was abducted
by the communists...

- she was with a child.
- Oh, boy.

But the communists,
they put an end to that.

So on this issue,
there is no debate...

and no intelligent person
can think differently.

Well, Poppie, I think differently.

And what gives you
the right to do that?

The Supreme Court gives me the right
to do that!

Let's go, Jerry. Come on.

I heard that. Let's go, Henry.

- We just got here.
- I'm with you, Poppie.

- Let's go.
- And I am not coming back!

You're not welcome!

Well, I'm certainly glad
I brought it up.

Well, you should've seen it.
It was quite a scene over there.

- I'm sorry I missed it.
- Oh, you really missed something.

And I have to say...

it was pretty much all my fault.

So how's the book coming?

- I say how's the book coming?
- Oh, pretty good.

So, what's it about?

- Well, it's about Holly Golightly.
- Holly Golightly.

- Yeah, she's quite a character.
- Haven't read a page, have you?

- No.
- Big surprise.

I couldn't. If it's not about sports,
I find it very hard to concentrate.

You're not very bright, are you?

No, I'm not.

I would like to be, but I'm not.

What am I gonna do?
The book club meets in a few days.

Why don't you rent the movie?

Why don't I rent the movie?

You see? This is when I like you.

Now I'm relieved.

So...

how was the dinner last night?

Oh, well....

Did you enjoy the duck?

Oh, Elaine, I was just asking
how dinner went last night.

- Oh, well...
- All right, what did you do to Poppie?

- Nothing.
- Well, he's in the hospital.

And the cook says
you put him there.

- What's wrong with him?
- I don't know.

I'm gonna go and visit him later.

It would be nice
if you got him something.

We should get him something.

Yeah, you're right.

Do you know I've been using the same
bottle of shampoo for a year?

And I shampoo every day.

So, what do you think
of my conversation?

Not much.

I would've invited you up...

but I don't have any furniture.

- You don't have any furniture?
- No, I hate furniture. I can't look at it.

Oh, I can understand that.

- A pretty good date, huh?
- Yeah, no heavy lifting.

Anyway, Jerry and Elaine felt bad
about what happened to you...

and wanted you to have this.

What's this?

A bottle of wine
and a five-alarm chili?

They're trying to kill Poppie?

- Why?
- Don't they know I have...

a gastrointestinal disorder?

If I would have any of this,
I would die.

Then Poppie's no good to anyone.

This is a sick, sick joke on Poppie.

How could you be friends
with those two?

Well, we're not very close.

- They owe me for those ducks.
- Yeah.

- They're flown in from Newfoundland.
- They got good ducks there, huh?

Very good ducks.

I'm in love!

This is it, Jerry! This is it!

He is such an incredible person.

He's real. He's honest.
He's unpretentious.

Oh, I'm really lucky.

Did you tell him I was sorry
about the drink?

No. I forgot.

The best part is,
he doesn't play games.

You know? There are no games.

No games? What is the point
of dating without games?

How do you know
if you're winning or losing?

Well, all I know is...

he doesn't like games,
and he doesn't play games.

You know, he has too much character
and integrity.

And what is his stand on abortion?

What?

What is his stand...

on abortion?

Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice.

How do you know?

Because he....

Well....

He's just so good-looking.

Well, you should probably ask.

Because if he's gonna be coming over
with those Pokeno's pizzas...

could be trouble.

I'd like to rent
Breakfast at Tiffany's.

This is out. Someone has it.

Out? Oh, no, I've...

I've been to four places.
You're the only ones with it.

Well, I could put it
on reserve for you if you'd like.

Maybe we could call them
and ask them to return it.

Sorry, we can't do that.

Well, maybe they're done with it.
I could go pick it up.

I don't think so.
It doesn't work that way.

Yes?

Excuse me, are you Joe Temple?

Yes.

Yes, you don't know me.

My name is George Costanza.

Did you happen to rent
Breakfast at Tiffany's?

- Hey.
- What's happening?

Well, you know,
Poppie's over at my place.

Tonight's the big night. I'll make
the first test pizza at the restaurant.

You got a regular Manhattan Project
going on over there.

Anyway, he's about to leave.
He wants the duck money.

- Oh, okay. Hi, Poppie.
- Hello.

Sorry about the gift.
I didn't know about your condition.

That's fine.

If you just give me my duck money,
I'll be on my way.

Okay, I'll get it.

Why don't you sit down, Poppie,
you're still recuperating.

Are you tired, Poppie?

- No.
- Poppie, you really think people...

wanna make their own pizza?

Kramer, did I ever tell you
about my mother?

- My mother...
- Here you go.

Anyway, I'm sorry again about the....

- The....
- The what?

The....

- The... The....
- Okay, Poppie. So long, huh?

I'll see you tonight.

Kramer, what is this?

- What is what?
- This puddle on my sofa!

- What puddle?
- That puddle!

I don't know.

Is it...?

Could it...?

Could he have...?

It is!

Poppie peed on my sofa!

- Are you sure?
- Well, what is it, then?

My new sofa!
Poppie peed on my new sofa!

I'm sure it'll come out.

I don't care if it comes out.
I can't sit on that anymore.

- You're making too much of it.
- Yeah, you're right.

Just a natural human function.
Happens to be on my sofa...

instead of in the toilet,
where it would normally be.

Right.

Well, anyway, the book club
meets tomorrow, Mr. Temple.

Well, I was gonna watch it
with my daughter.

She likes Audrey Hepburn
very much.

Yeah, she was a delicate flower.

Why didn't you just
read the book?

Well, as I say, the pinkeye
made my vision quite blurry.

Remy.

This is George.

Would you mind if he watched
Breakfast at Tiffany's with us?

- Hi.
- Hi.

- I missed you.
- Oh, I missed you.

I don't remember the last time
I felt this way.

Me either.

- I think about you all the time.
- You do?

- Do you think about me?
- Oh, yeah, all the time.

All the time.

Although...

recently I've been thinking about
this friend of mine.

- What friend?
- Oh, just this woman.

She got impregnated
by her troglodytic half-brother...

and decided to have an abortion.

You know, someday...

we're gonna get enough people on
the Supreme Court to change that law.

So anything to nosh?

What did you want?

Popcorn?

Popcorn? Where do you
think you are?

A lot of people keep popcorn
in the house.

Well, we don't.

You might wanna try it.

Makes the movie more enjoyable,
that's all.

- Here's some nuts.
- Oh, nuts! Excellent!

You know what I love? How there's
two nuts named after people:

Hazel and Filbert.

Can we watch
the movie now, Daddy?

Hey, let's turn off the lights,
get some real movie atmosphere.

The lights are fine.

See? Everybody can do this.
Yeah.

No, no. Use your wrist.
It's all in the wrist.

- Oh, yeah.
- Not too high!

Very good. That's very good.

All right,
put a little sauce on here.

- Now some cheese.
- Not too much.

And cucumbers.

Hey, wait a second.
What is that?

- It's cucumbers.
- No, no.

You can't put cucumbers
on a pizza.

Why not? I like cucumbers.

That's not a pizza.
It will taste terrible.

But that's the idea.
Make your own pie.

Yes, but we cannot give the people
the right...

to choose any topping they want.

Now, on this issue,
there can be no debate.

What gives you the right
to tell me how I make my pie?

Because it's a pizza.

It's not a pizza
till it comes out of the oven.

It's a pizza the moment
you put your fists in the dough.

- No, it isn't!
- Yes, it is!

- I'm home.
- Hey, honey.

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, baby.

Hello.

- Breakfast at Tiffany's?
- Yeah.

I just came back from Angela's.
It's not looking very good for Duncan.

Oh, that's too bad.

The doctor thinks it's just
a matter of time.

Joe. Could you...?

Poor guy. I hate to see him
suffer like this.

- Yeah.
- You know, I'm sorry.

I hate to be one of those people...

but we're right in the middle
of this thing.

I can't hear.

Who are you?

This is George Costanza.

It's just very hard to follow,
with all the talking.

I'll pause it, okay?

Any more grape juice?

So who is this guy?

- He's in some book club.
- And what's he doing here?

Cheating on his test.

So we watching the movie
or are we still talking?

Okay, come on, let's go.

What?

Come on, you took my seat.

It's not your seat.

- I was sitting there. Come on.
- You didn't save it.

I had the arm. Joe.

What's the difference?

I was very comfortable.
I've got my nuts here.

It's my couch.

All right, come on.
Come on, scootch over.

- Wait, it's my seat!
- Stop being like a 2-year-old.

Look! Look what you did!

You got grape juice
all over our couch.

You ruined our couch!

Joe.

- Oh, my God.
- You see?

So are you gonna get a new couch?

Well, I guess I have no choice.

- What, do you want your old couch?
- I was hoping you'd offer.

- Yeah?
- It's the movers.

- Okay.
- Who's that?

- Your boyfriend. He's taking it out.
- No, he's not my boyfriend.

Why?

Take a guess.

Oh, really.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hey, Carl, I also need you
to go to Elaine's...

- and bring my old couch back.
- Today?

- Could you?
- Sure.

Well, what are you doing
with this couch?

George is taking it.

Did you tell him it was peed on?

He said he doesn't care.
He'll just turn the cushion over.

- I'm sorry you feel that way, Elaine.
- Yeah, me too.

- It's just too bad.
- Yeah, it is.

Well, I better get this couch
back to Jerry's.

- Can I offer you anything to drink?
- Yeah, sure.

- All I've got is grape juice.
- Throw it.

The couch!

She didn't want the constraints
of any relationship.

That's why she got rid of the cat.

The most important thing in Holly's life
was her independence.

Well, not really.

After all, she did get together
with George Peppard.

I mean, Fred.

George, Fred's gay.