Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 6, Episode 4 - The Chinese Woman - full transcript

The thing I admire the
most about the Chinese...

is they're hanging in there
with the chopsticks.

Because if you think about it,
they've seen the fork by now.

I'm sure they've seen the spoon.
They're going, "Yeah, they're okay.

We're gonna stay with the sticks."

I mean, I don't know how
they missed it.

Thousands of years ago,
Chinese farmer gets up...

has his breakfast
with the chopsticks...

goes out and works all day
in the field with a shovel.

Hello?

Shovel?



Not going out there plowing 40 acres
with a couple of pool cues.

Good shave today.

Don't worry,
I can manage these bags.

Really, I'm fine.

I'm thinking of letting
my sideburns grow in.

Can we rest here a second?

Yeah, I guess.

- So how's Noreen?
- She got a new boyfriend. Paul.

Already? That was fast.

I assume he's not a high-talker.

No, but he has the worst habit.

Whenever he answers the phone,
he won't put Noreen right on.

You have to go through 10 minutes
of chit-chat.

- A long-talker.
- Yeah.



He is so boring.

Now whenever he answers the phone,
I just hang up.

All right, let's move it out.

Hey, isn't that George's father?

Oh, yeah, it is.
Should we say hello?

I've never seen him in Manhattan
before. It's weird. It's so out of context.

That man he's with...

is he wearing a cape?

I believe he is wearing a cape.

Why is Mr. Costanza
with a man in a cape?

Well, it is good cape weather.
Cool, breezy.

Why a cape? Who wears a cape?

Where do you even get a cape?

You're right, it is strange.

In fact, let's cross to the other side
of the street.

Cover me.

Just plop it on the counter there.

Oh, I got a message.

Hey, it's George.

I got nothing to say.

That sounds urgent.

Let me call him back.

Hello?

Who is this?

Donna Chang?

I'm sorry. I must have dialed
the wrong number.

Donna Chang?

Should've talked.
I love Chinese women.

Isn't that a little racist?

If I like their race,
how can that be racist?

Hello?

Oh, is this Donna Chang again?

Yes, I am calling George.

Oh, the lines are crossed.
You're getting his calls.

Well, what do you know.

- Hi.
- So listen....

I'm going through this stuff
like water.

- Who are you talking to?
- He's on with a Chinese woman.

You know, I dig Asian women.

You got a comfort problem there?

No, I think these Jockeys shrunk.

- I thought you wore silk underwear.
- No.

I wore them for a month,
but I couldn't stick with it.

I need the secure packaging
of Jockeys.

My boys need a house.

That's nice.

Listen, if you ever wanna have kids,
you shouldn't wear briefs.

Boxers are much better
for your sperm count.

Sperm count?

Well, how many sperm
should I have?

A lot.

I got a date.

- With the Chinese woman?
- She knew who I was.

She saw me at a club one time.

My first date ever with the Pacific Rim.
I'm very excited.

Jerry, you ever have
your sperm count checked?

No, why should l? I wear boxers.

You ever get a woman pregnant?

I'm sorry, Kramer. Those records
are permanently sealed.

What would you say if I told you
I never impregnated a woman?

Really?

You never slipped one past the goalie
in all these years?

I'm surprised.
You've slept with a lot of women.

A lot of women!

Do you think maybe I'm...

depleted?

Well, I'm sure you're not
totally depleted.

But what if I am?
I'm the last male Kramer.

We're facing extinction.

Go to a fertility clinic,
check your sperm count.

Yeah, but then I'd have to...
Well, you know....

Into a cup in the middle of the day?

What, does that conflict
with your regular schedule?

All right, I'm gonna try
Noreen again.

I am very excited about this date.
We're going to Hunan Balcony.

She's Chinese,
so you suggest Chinese food?

- She suggested it.
- I thought Chinese don't eat Chinese.

She's very assimilated.

Hello.

- Paul again?
- You can't get one ring past him.

- Hey, hey. You don't call me back?
- I tried.

Your line's crossed
with a Chinese woman.

Hey, George, we saw your father
on the street before.

What's he doing in the city today?

You didn't ask him?

- You didn't say hello?
- Well, he was with someone...

a man in a cape.

Why was he wearing a cape?

Was my father wearing a cape?

No, jacket and tie. No cape.

A cape.

What was a man with a cape
doing with my father?

What was my father doing
with a man in a cape?

Why a cape?

The results of your sperm test
are in.

Are you planning to start a family?

Yes, I would like to very much.

I'm low, aren't l? I can feel it.

- Yes, I'm afraid you're a little low.
- Oh, man!

It's over.
The Kramer name is finished.

- I'm never gonna procreate, huh?
- That's not necessarily true.

There are measures you can take
to improve your fertility.

All right, what? What? You tell me.
I'll do anything. Come on, tell me.

First thing,
you should wear boxer shorts.

- All the time?
- All the time.

You have to get off Jockeys
right away.

But I've always worn Jockeys.

Hi, Paul, it's Elaine calling.

Yeah, I'm calling from a car phone,
so I don't really have time to talk.

Is Noreen there?

Oh, she's not? Okay, great.

Well, you can just tell her
I called then, and...

Well, yes, it has been
unseasonably cool lately.

Okay. Well, look, I'm pulling up
to the building now, so I'm gonna....

Yeah, I tip 20 percent too.

Lookit, Paul, the car seems to be
running out of gas...

so I'm gonna have
to get off the phone.

Please let me know
when your party has arrived.

Yes, I will.

- You mind?
- No, go ahead.

I secondhand smoke
two packs a day.

Jerry.

- Excuse me?
- Hi, sorry I'm late.

- Who are you?
- I'm Donna Chang.

What do you mean?

I mean I'm Donna Chang.

You're Donna Chang?

Did you think I was Chinese?

No. What, you mean
because of the "Chang"?

Actually, the family name
wasn't originally Chang.

- I didn't think so.
- Used to be "Changstein."

- She's not Chinese?
- No, not Chinese.

Not even Asian.

- So, what is she?
- Well, she's like you.

Oh, how disappointed
you must have been.

Well, it's false advertising, see?

And the thing is, I think she likes
people thinking she's Chinese.

She suggests Chinese food...

she always introduces herself
as Donna Chang.

So why are you seeing her again?

Well, she is a woman.

Listen, I spoke to Paul and Noreen.
They might be breaking up.

- Really?
- Well, maybe.

Hey, wouldn't it be funny
if Paul and Noreen broke up...

because you kept
hanging up on him?

- What do you mean?
- If Paul thought it was some guy...

hanging up because he was
having an affair with Noreen.

Here, take my Jockey shorts.

Hey, what is that?

Look, you gotta help me.
I have to get off Jockey shorts.

- What, you have low sperm count?
- Very low.

- Come on, take them.
- I don't want them.

Jerry, look, you gotta help. If I have
one pair in my house, I'll wear them.

- I don't want them.
- All it takes is one pair.

I'm not gonna be able to sleep
if those are in the house.

Boxers! How do you
wear these things?

Look at that. They're bagging up.
They're rising here.

And there's nothing holding me
in place. I'm flipping, I'm flopping.

What am I gonna do?

Jerry, I'm going crazy
in these things.

Well, I'm gonna have to move now.

You know what I like
about Manhattan?

There's no mosquitoes.

There's plenty of mosquitoes.

Queens is full of mosquitoes.

- So, Dad...
- Gnats, too, if I'm not mistaken.

Heard you were in the city
the other day.

Your mother has to tell you
every move I make? I'll kill her.

- Jerry and Elaine saw you.
- They didn't say hello?

- They were in a rush.
- They couldn't just say hello?

Ah, the hell with them.

They said you were with some guy
who was wearing a cape.

Elaine, I can see not saying hello.

She's very...
What's the word? Supercilious.

- So, Dad...
- How could Jerry not say hello?

- Did they uncross the lines yet?
- They can't find the problem.

It's really getting ridicurous.

Did you say "ridicurous"?

Ridiculous.

I thought you said...

ridicurous.

Hey, what are you doing here?

I wanted to talk to you.
I didn't know you had company.

- Oh, no, no.
- Hi, I'm George.

- Oh, hi.
- I'm Donna Chang.

I just spoke to your mother before.

- You spoke to my mother?
- She was trying to call you, but...

The rines are crossed.

Did you say the "rines"
are crossed?

Did l?

George, she's so sweet.
We talked for an hour.

Anyway, I'm really sorry.

Sorry, why sorry? What do you
have to be sorry about?

Well, she told me she and your father
are getting divorced.

Boy, divorced. That's really too bad.

Yeah. You know,
it's a shame his parents...

didn't get divorced 30 years ago.

He could've been normal.

Oh, my God!

You know what I just realized?

If they get divorced
and live in two separate places...

that's twice as many visits.

I never thought of that.

Imagine if I had to see them both
on the same day.

It's like running a double marathon.

Hey, Georgie, did you have any idea
that anything was wrong?

Have you ever spent any time
with these people?

- You know what this has to do with?
- What?

The man in the cape. I bet you
he is mixed up in this.

I don't trust men in capes.

You can't cast
dispersions on someone...

just because
they're wearing a cape.

Superman wore a cape.

And I'll be damned
if I'm gonna stand here...

and let you say
something bad about him.

All right, Superman's the exception.

Hey, Elaine, I just heard that
Noreen and Paul are breaking up.

I want you to put in
a good word for me.

Always had a thing for Noreen.

No, Kramer, you don't understand,
this could be my fault.

Well, if she's available, I won't let
her slip through my fingers this time.

Well, looks like you've adjusted
to the boxers.

Well, I wouldn't go as far as that.

- You went back to the Jockeys?
- Wrong again.

Oh, no.

What? What?

Don't you see
what's going on here?

No boxers, no Jockeys.

The only thing between him and us
is a thin layer of gabardine.

- Kramer, say it isn't so.
- Oh, it be so.

I'm out there, Jerry,
and I'm loving every minute of it!

Don't you need a little help?

Surprisingly, no.

I'm free. I'm unfettered.

I feel like a naked, innocent boy
roaming the countryside.

So you guys are trying to work it out.
That's great.

Yeah, well, we're trying, but he just
went insane there for a while.

He went insane?

Believe it or not...

Paul was convinced
I was having an affair...

because somebody kept calling and
hanging up whenever he answered.

What kind of a sick person calls
and hangs up over and over?

Well...

I don't know about sick.

I mean, maybe it was somebody...

who didn't wanna talk
to whoever was answering...

because whoever was answering
was always making boring chit-chat...

and was completely oblivious
to the fact...

that the person who was calling
didn't wanna speak to them.

I can't believe that was you.

I'm really sorry, Noreen.

So you thought he was boring?

Hey, Noreen, don't go by me.

What are you doing to this woman?

This is the second relationship
you've ruined for her in a few weeks.

- I know.
- First you ruin her relationship...

- with the high-talker.
- Well, I got confused.

They sound exactly the same.

So she breaks up with him.

Somehow picks up
the pieces of her life...

miraculously meets a new guy.

You bust that up.

And then just as they're reconciling,
you announce to the world...

he's boring.

I didn't know she'd take it
so seriously.

Apparently, you have a tremendous
influence over this woman.

Anything you say, she does.

- Yeah?
- It's Donna Chang.

- Come on up.
- I guess I just didn't realize it.

Well, let's look back at your history
with this woman.

- Okay?
- Okay.

First, you encouraged her
to join the army.

She did.

She was lost.

Then you suggest she goes AWOL.

She did.

Well, she didn't seem
to be having so much fun.

Make sure you never tell this woman
to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge.

If I have this much influence,
I'll call her and tell her...

to get back together with him.

- Hey.
- Oh, Miss Changstein.

- This is Elaine.
- Hi. How are you?

Guess what?
Mrs. Costanza called me.

- They're not getting divorced.
- Why, what happened?

She was trying to call George
last night, she got me...

we spoke for an hour,
and she changed her mind.

- Wow, that's amazing.
- Anyway, she wants to meet me.

She invited me over for dinner.
Said you should come too.

- Tonight?
- Yeah.

I just remembered. I'm gonna have
to cancel my acupuncture class.

All right, let me just say one thing.

There is no way that this
is gonna happen. No way!

Because if you think I'm going
to two Thanksgivings...

you're out of your mind!

- We're not getting divorced.
- Your mother changed her mind.

You did? That's good.
That's very good.

- I'm very glad to hear that.
- Yeah, we worked it out.

All right, so let me ask you a question.
Who was the man in the cape?

- He was my lawyer.
- Your lawyer wears a cape?

Yeah. So what?

- Who wears a cape?
- He's very independent.

He doesn't follow the trends.

He looks ridiculous in that thing.

You have no eye for fashion!

- I have no eye for fashion?
- All right.

Come on. Let's not fight.

- All right, all right.
- All right.

Georgie's right.

So, what made you change
your mind?

It was that Chinese woman.

What did you tell Mrs. Costanza
that changed her mind?

Mentioned a few bits of wisdom
from Confucius.

- Confucius, huh?
- Yeah.

You know, you're not Chinese.

Hey, I heard the good news.

Jerry, how come you didn't
say hello to me the other day?

- Elaine was in a rush.
- I knew it was Elaine.

- You must be Estelle.
- Yes. Who are you?

I'm Donna Chang.

You're not Chinese.

Hello?

- Paul?
- Elaine.

Kramer?

Yeah!

- What are you doing there?
- Well, isn't it obvious?

- Is Noreen there?
- Yes, she is.

Well, can I talk to her?

What, am I too boring for you?

Would you just put her on?

I feel it would be best that you didn't
talk to Noreen for a while.

- You feel?
- That's right.

She and I have had a very long talk.

And I was appalled to learn
of the destructive influence...

you've had over her life
lo these many years.

- What, are you insane?
- From now on, I'll be calling the shots.

And what are you gonna tell her?

Well, I've encouraged her
to go back into the army.

There she'll get the structure
and discipline she needs right now.

And she'll have qualified officers
telling her what to do.

Kramer, you have got
to let me talk to her.

Can't help you, kid.

- You're not Chinese?
- No.

- I thought you were Chinese.
- I'm from Long Island.

Long Island?

I thought I was getting advice
from a Chinese woman.

- I'm sorry.
- Well, then...

- that changes everything.
- What?

She's not Chinese. I was duped!

So what? She still gave you advice.

What's the difference?

I'm not taking advice
from some girl from Long Island.

Now you're getting a divorce
because she's from Long Island?

You want a divorce? You got one!

You know, you might wanna think
about changing your name.

Ever since she started dating Kramer,
she won't even talk to me.

Well, Noreen listened to you...

like George's mother
listened to the Chinese.

Everybody listens to the Chinese.
Look at the fortune cookie.

You couldn't get away with that
at other restaurants.

Yeah, no one's reading any
rolled up messages in a knish.

Well, it had to happen. I knew it.
I predicted it.

Saw both of them today.
What a disaster.

I'm running all over Queens.

First, I saw my mother.
We had lunch together.

I never had lunch with my mother
before. It's like a date.

Then we drive down to Kew Gardens,
tons of traffic, I see my father.

We played Clue.

All day with this!

Hey, Jerry! Guess what?

The Kramer name might live on!

Noreen's late!

She's late!

- Who are you?
- I'm Frank Costanza's lawyer.