Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 6, Episode 2 - The Big Salad - full transcript

Kramer thinks that a simple penalty stroke may have driven his golf partner, Steve Gennison, to murder a dry cleaner. Jerry is stunned to learn that his girlfriend not only went out with, but was dumped by Newman. George thinks Elaine gave his girlfriend an incorrect thank you when it was actually George who paid for Elaine's lunch. Elaine flirts with a stationery store employee and thinks that ...

I find it fascinating, when you go
in the stationery store...

that they're manufacturing
millions of pens constantly.

We're all buying them. I must have
bought 6000 Bics in my life.

I've used up maybe two of them.
Where's the rest of them?

Move a refrigerator,
there's a couple there.

But that doesn't account for it.
Where are all the pens?

That's why it's embarrassing
if you don't have one.

"You got a pen? Can I borrow a pen?"
We always have to whisper...

because it's so humiliating.
"l don't have a pen."

"They're making millions
of them every week."

"l know. Where are they?"

May I help you?

Yeah, hi.
I'm looking for a Rolamech 1000.

- It's a mechanical pencil.
- Oh, I know the Rolamech 1000.

No, I'm sure you do.

They're pretty expensive.

Well, it's for my boss.

What do you do?


Well, we don't have any
in stock right now...

but I would be happy
to order it for you.

Just give me your phone number...

and when it comes in,
I'll give you a call.

Your name is...?



- And your last name?
- It's just Elaine. Like Cher.

And your number?

It's KL5-2390.

Okay. Thanks a lot.

- You'll be hearing from me.
- Okay. So long.

- Why did you give him my number?
- Don't worry about it.

I think he got ideas.

I wonder if any woman
ever said that about Einstein.

Just call me when
the pencil comes in.

Why does Mr. Pitt prefer
a pencil to a pen anyway?

Hey, look who's here.


- Hi, Jerry.
- Hi, Julie.

Elaine, Julie.

- Hi.
- Oh, hi. Elaine's my middle name.

Mine's Ike.

Hey, wanna get some lunch?

Just had a big bowl of Kix.

Oh, well, that's very mature.

- What about you?
- Oh, please come, Elaine.

No. Maybe you could
bring me back something.

- Sure, all right. What do you want?
- I don't know.

- A big salad.
- What big salad?

- I'm going to the coffee shop.
- They have big salads.

I've never seen a big salad.

They have big salads.

Is that what I ask for,
the big salad?

- It's okay. Just forget it.
- No, hey, I'll get it.

What's in the big salad?

Big lettuce, big carrots.
Tomatoes like volleyballs.

So you gonna be upstairs?
See you in a little while.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Maybe I should just get married.

Dating really is getting
embarrassing, isn't it?

I know. Whenever I'm on a date,
I always feel like people can tell.

People on dates shouldn't be
allowed out in public.

It's embarrassing for them.

It's painful for us to watch.

I'm going out with someone later,
I'm not even taking her out.

- Good for you.
- I don't need people staring at us.

You're telling me.

What was that?

Gendason. What a jerk.

I'm never playing golf
with him again.

- Who? Gendason?
- Steve Gendason.

Why does that name
sound so familiar?

- He used to be a baseball player.
- How'd you end up playing golf with him?

I met him on the course
a couple years ago.

Yeah. Played with him a lot.
But today was it.

We're on the 15th hole.

He's beating me by a couple
of strokes.

Then he's about to hit
his second shot...

when he picks up the ball
and cleans it.

- So what?
- Sorry.

The rules clearly state you cannot
clean the ball unless it's on the green.

- The rules are clear about that.
- Certainly are.

- So I penalized him a stroke.
- So, what happened?

He lost it!

We almost came to blows.

We're face to face,
like a manager and an umpire.

We're like,
"Hey, what are you talking about?!

- Think I'm gonna put up with that?!"
- All right. All right! You're in my face.

I don't see what the big deal is.

Hey, a rule is a rule. And let's face it,
without rules, there's chaos.

I like Anna Quindlen's column.
And Safire.

Don't you like Safire?


Although at times
he can be rather pedantic.

He can be pedantic.
He can be pedantic.

And Bob Herbert's great.

He worked for the Daily News.

Yes. Yes.
You know what's interesting?

The quarterback
for the Atlanta Falcons...

is Bobby Hebert, no R...

which I find fascinating.

You know, it's Herbert...


Hebert, H-E-B-E-R-T.

Hebert. It's a fun name to pronounce.
Try and say it. Hebert.

Go ahead, take a shot. Hebert.
All right.

- Thanks. I got it.
- No. I'd like to pay.

Now, Julie, Julie, don't insult me.

What difference does it make
who pays? It's meaningless.

- Okay, thanks, George.
- Here's your big salad to go.

Oh, thank you.


No, she's not here.

Okay, fine. Whatever.

Yes, I'll tell her.

Okay, goodbye.

Stationery-store guy called
to say he ordered your pencil.

I told you. He has ideas.

He doesn't even care
if a man answers.

Or you.

- Hey.
- Hey.


- Sorry we're late.
- It's no problem.

- Here's your big salad.
- Thank you, Julie.

You're very welcome.

So I guess I better get going.

Meeting Mother at the Guggenheim.
You don't wanna go?

No, you Guggenheim.
I'm not much of a Guggenheimer.

- You sure?
- Yeah, yeah. You go.

- Okay, I'll see you later. Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

Did you see
what just happened here?

Well, that all depends.

Did you happen to notice that Julie
handed the big salad to Elaine?

- Yeah, so?
- Well, she didn't buy the big salad.

I bought the big salad.

- Is that a fact?
- Yes, it is.

She just took credit for my salad.

- That's not right.
- No, it isn't.

- I'm the one who bought it.
- You did.

- She should've said something.
- She could have.

- Oh, I know.
- Imagine...

her taking credit
for your big salad.

You buy a big salad for somebody,
it would be nice if they knew it.


- Turn on the TV.
- What?

Put it on. Put it on!

Neither the district attorney's office
nor the police department...

have answered
any questions as yet.

To repeat,
in case you're just joining us...

former baseball star
Steve Gendason has been taken...

to police headquarters
for questioning...

in the murder of Bobby Pinkus,
the owner of Royal Dry Cleaners...

at 2759 Amsterdam Avenue.

According to Pinkus' wife...

Gendason had been involved
in a dispute with the cleaner...

over a stain on a pair
of gray Sansabelt slacks.

We also have a report that
earlier in the day...

a groundskeeper at
Van Cortlandt golf course...

reportedly saw an irate Gendason
leaving the clubhouse in a huff.

Whether there is a possible
connection between the two...

is something we'll just have
to wait and find out.

- Jerry.
- Well, it had nothing to do with you.

Yeah, but maybe he was so mad
from the penalty stroke...

that he murdered the dry cleaner.

Generally speaking,
you don't need any extra incentive...

to murder a dry cleaner.
I wouldn't worry about it.

- I like Julie. She's very personable.
- Yeah, she's lovely.

- That's great, George.
- Yeah.

- So did you enjoy your lunch?
- Yeah. The big salad.

It was very good.
Actually, it was too big.

- Why?
- Oh, no reason.

Because, you know,
she handed you the bag.

I could have handed you the bag.

But she happened to picked it up
at the restaurant, even though....

Even though what?

It's just....

You thanked her, even though....

What's the difference?

What? What are you
trying to say, George?

It's just that I was the one
that actually paid for the big salad.

She just happened to hand it to you.
But it's no big deal.

You want the money
for the big salad, George?

- No, no.
- Then what is your problem?

There is no problem.

Just a small miscommunication
whereby you thanked her...

instead of the person
actually responsible...

for the purchasing
of the big salad.

Kramer played golf with him,
and Kramer thinks a penalty stroke...

may have driven him to it.

Well, they haven't even
arrested him yet.

Come on. Let's go out.

No, I don't think so.

Why not?

We don't need a bunch of people
staring at us.

- Who's staring?
- Oh, they're staring.

They know we're on a date.
They're making fun.

Come on. It's embarrassing.


No, she's not here.

Yes, I will tell her.

No, I don't know what time
she might be coming back.

Look, I gotta go.


That's.... It's a long story.

Hello, Newman.

Hello, Jerry.
I was wondering if you knew...

- where Kramer was.
- No, I don't. Why?

You know, Gendason.
This is something, isn't it?

- I suppose.
- What did Kramer say?

- I don't know. Nothing.
- Come on, Jerry.

You know something.
Tell me! Tell me!

Oh, Chunkys.


- Hello.
- You two know each other?

You might say that.

We used to go out.

Well, toodle-loo.

Nice seeing you again, Margaret.
Bye, Jerry.

Have fun.

You went out with Newman?

- Just a few times.
- Why?

- I liked him.
- You liked Newman?

Look, I'm a little uncomfortable
talking about this, okay?

No, I'm sorry. I'm just a little curious.
Why did you stop seeing him?

He ended it.

He ended it?

Yes. Yes.

It was a couple of years ago.
Why, does it matter?

No. No, of course not.

Jerry, they found a tee.

- What tee?
- A golf tee in the dry cleaner.

She went out with Newman.

- It must be a mistake.
- No. It isn't.

And the most distressing part
is not that she went out with him...

but that he stopped seeing her.

Do you understand? He, Newman...

Newman stopped seeing her.

Newman never stops
seeing anybody.

Newman will see
whoever is willing to see him.

So the question, then, is not
so much why did she see him...

as disturbing as that is...

but why did he, Newman,
stop seeing her?

Perhaps there's more to Newman
than meets the eye.

No. There's less.

- It's possible.
- No, it isn't.

I've looked into his eyes.

He's pure evil.

Maybe he's an enigma.
A mystery wrapped in a riddle.

Yeah. He's a mystery
wrapped in a Twinkie.

- Can I get you some more coffee?
- No, but thank you.

By the way, your stationery-store guy
called. He's got your pencil.

You are kidding me.

No. He left the store early, made a
special trip to the distributor and got it.

I bought one yesterday
on 14th Street.

What did you do that for?
He already ordered it.

- I wanted to please Mr. Pitt.
- You better go down and tell this guy.

- He's very excited.
- Oh, boy.

- Oh, hi, Julie.
- Hi.

- Hi, Julie.
- How are you, Elaine?

- I'm meeting George here.
- Well, then I better get going.

Otherwise George will make me
buy him lunch...

to make up for that big salad
he bought me yesterday.

How do you know that?

- Who is it?
- It's Jerry.

It's kind of a bad time.
Could you come back later?

Come on, Newman, open the door!

Hello, Jerry.

What a rare treat. What brings you
down to the east wing?

Okay, pudgy, let's stop playing games.
What happened with Margaret?

Don't get excited.
Can't we discuss this like gentlemen?

No, we can't. My skin is crawling
just being inside your little rat's nest.

- Now, what happened?
- You wanna know what happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

She wasn't my type.

- Not your type?
- Not really.

- Well, how come?
- She just didn't do it for me.

- What is wrong with her?
- Well, if you're happy with her...

that's all that matters.

- You don't think she's attractive?
- No.

I need a really pretty face.

But, hey, that's me.

Okay, Newman. Thanks a lot.

- Care for some lemonade?
- No, thank you.

Drop by anytime, Jerry.

Jerry. All right, now, listen to this.

"lf a player cleans his ball
during play of a hole...

except on the putting green,
he shall incur a penalty of one stroke."

- That's the rule.
- It's just a friendly game.

- Why are you always such a stickler?
- That's the way I was raised.

When I was growing up,
I had to be in bed every night by 9:00.

And if I wasn't.... Well, I don't have
to tell you what happened.

What are you so worried
about this for?

You know he talked about Pinkus
on the course?

- He did?
- Oh, yeah.

He said he brought his pants to
Pinkus', and they came back stained...

with some kind
of dry-cleaning fluid.

And Pinkus denied responsibility.

You see?
He was very upset at Pinkus.

So it had nothing to do with you.

Yeah, but maybe I pushed him
over the edge.

- No, I don't think so.
- Poor Pinkus.

Poor little Pinkus.

Hey, let me ask you a question.

You met Margaret.
You think Margaret's good-looking?

She's a natural beauty.
No makeup? I like that.

Yeah. And the curls?
You like the curls?

- Oh, I love curls.
- Yeah. Yeah, me too.

- I'll see you later.
- Where you going?

- Gendason's.
- You're going to see Gendason?

It's weighing on my conscience.

I think I could have played with dolls
if there were dolls in the house.

It seems like fun to me.

It doesn't seem like a gender thing.
I think I would like to play with dolls.

What's so terrible?

So, George, I was talking
to Elaine before...

We're just friends.

Yes, well, anyway, she said something
that was kind of intriguing.


Well, when I came over to the table,
she mentioned something...

about how she'd better hurry up and
leave or you'd make her buy lunch...

to make up for the one
you bought yesterday.

I'm not following.

Well, my question is, how could Elaine
be under the impression...

that you bought the big salad...

when I was the one
that handed it to her?

Well, she probably just assumed.

Did she?

Wait a second.

Are you suggesting that I went
out of my way to tell Elaine...

that even though you handed her
the big salad, that it came from me?

That's what I'm suggesting.

Well, it was a big salad.

And what I would like to know
is how does a person...

who has virtually nothing
to do with the big salad...

claim responsibility
for that salad...

and accept a thank-you
under false pretenses?

George, all I did was
hand someone a bag.

It's just that my boss
is very demanding...

and he needed the pencil
right away.

Well, why did you tell me
to order it if you knew...

you were going to get one
someplace else?

No, I didn't know. I'm sorry.

I went all the way down
to the warehouse.

It took me three hours.

I had a big fight with the foreman.

Really? A fight with the foreman?

- Yes.
- Well, again, I'm just awfully sorry.


Well, then how about
going out with me?


I mean, they found a tee.
And he played golf that day.

Nobody walks into a dry cleaners'
with a tee.

The circumstantial evidence
is overwhelming.

You had how many dates with him?

Around three. I don't know.


I told you, he stopped calling me.

I moved on. I'm not hung up on him.

- What are you looking at?
- What? I'm not looking. Nothing.

Why are you looking at my face?

Where am I gonna look?

Kiss me.

I can't.


Newman ruined it.
All I could think of...

when I was looking at her face was,
"Newman found this unacceptable."

I'm going out
with the stationery-store guy.

You're going out
with the stationery-store guy?

I felt so guilty about the pencil
I couldn't say no.

Well, well, well.

I'm not treating you
to lunch anymore!

You had to tell Julie that I made
a special point of telling you...

that I bought you
the big salad, didn't you?

You know, if it was a regular salad,
I wouldn't have said anything.

But you had to have the big salad!



You're kidding.

I'm turning it on.

Oh, my God, get out of here.

Hey, listen to this. They issued
a warrant for Gendason's arrest.

He escaped, and the police spotted
him on the New Jersey Turnpike.

As you can see,
he's in a white Ford Bronco.

The police have cleared
the highway traffic in front...

but they are keeping
their distance.

They don't want this situation
to escalate.

And we have gotten an identification
on the driver of the vehicle.

His name is Kramer...

and he's reportedly one
of Gendason's golfing buddies.

911, what are you reporting?

Yeah, this is Kramer.
I got Gendason in the car.

Now, he wants to see his fish.

I'm taking him to see his fish,
so tell the police to back off.

Okay, sir. And what's your name?

My name is Kramer.
You know who I am, damn it!

- I told you not to take the turnpike.
- I thought we would blend in.

If you took the Palisades,
this wouldn't happen.

- Then we would've had bridge traffic.
- Just drive.

To me, murder doesn't even really
seem like that great of a revenge.

Wouldn't years of subtle psychological
mind games be a lot more satisfying?

Constantly calling them and hanging
up when they pick up the phone.

Sending pizzas and taxis
to their house all night long.

After a while they go, "l wish this guy
would kill me. I can't take it anymore!"

How come when the police
catch some really bad criminal...

they put him in the handcuffs,
hit him with the baton...

put the chokehold on him, but then
they don't want him to hurt his head...

when they're putting him
in the patrol car.

"Watch your head. Don't hit that
metal edge there. That really hurts."