Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 6, Episode 19 - The Doodle - full transcript

Jerry is upset when he realizes he has fleas in his apartment. He's even more upset when he finds the source - Newman. He's going to have to have the place fumigated and will have to move out for a couple of days. His parents are coming for a visit however but he thinks he has the perfect solution when Elaine gets a job interview with Viking Press. She's told them she's from out of town so she can use their suite at the Plaza. Jerry's parents get to spend the weekend there. Unfortunately for Elaine, they have too good a time. Elaine is also desperate to get a manuscript Viking has sent her - but it's in Jerry's sealed apartment. George meanwhile is dating someone in Elaine's art class and can't help but wonder about the meaning of a doodle she's drawn.

Buying shoes is one of the
great shopping challenges.

Ever see someone put
on new pair shoes?

They turn into a zombie as soon they
start walking around the store.

"Yeah, these are pretty good."

Then they have that
little 1-foot-high mirror.

What is that about? So I can see
what cats will think of my shoes?

What is that angle?

Bum passed out on the curb,
"Hey, what do you think of these?

I just got them. I've seen them
from that angle myself."

That guy was amazing.
He could dunk. And he was my height.

- What was his name again?
- Jimmy.

- Jimmy. Right.
- I don't know how you could forget.

He kept referring to himself
in the third person.

"Jimmy's under the boards.
Jimmy's in the open.

Jimmy makes the shot."

You're just mad
because we beat you.

Jerry, it's my fault.
I couldn't make a shot.

These losses stay with me.
They fester, Jerry.

No, this is gonna plague me.

Hey, Jimmy.

- Great game.
- Oh, yeah.

Jimmy played pretty good.

Hey, you know, I felt like we had
a synergy out there.

- We were really helping each other.
- What do you got there?

- These?
- Yeah.

These are Jimmy's training shoes.

Yeah, I've seen these things.
What, do they...?

- They make your legs stronger?
- Oh, yeah.

Jimmy couldn't jump at all
before he got these.


was like you.

- They're plyometric.
- Plyometric?

Yeah, they isolate the muscles.
The muscle has to grow or die.

- Where do you get them?
- Jimmy sells them.

- You sell them?
- Oh, yeah.

But Jimmy's all out right now.

Moving to Manhattan
set Jimmy back a bit.

Let me give you my card.
It's got my home number.

- I want to buy a pair next shipment.
- All right.

All right, Jimmy,
good talking to you.

- Here you go.
- Jimmy will see you around.

Wait a minute, what day is today?

Oh, Tuesday. Damn it,
I shouldn't have worked out today.

Mr. Wilhelm called a big meeting.
I'm gonna be sweating through it.

- What? You took a shower.
- It wouldn't take.

Ten minutes from now,
I'll be sweating. I can feel it.

- I'm a human heat pump.
- You ought to take cold showers.

Cold showers?

- They're for psychotics.
- Well, I take them.

They give me a whoosh.

- All right. I'll see you guys later.
- All right.

- So, what, you heading home?
- No. Got a dental appointment.

- Tim Whatley?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, I got a checkup Thursday.
- How do you like that.

You really shouldn't brush
24 hours before seeing the dentist.

I think that's
"eat 24 hours before surgery."

Oh, no, you gotta eat
before surgery.

You need your strength.

I've called this meeting
because we have a problem.

For the last few months...

someone has been stealing
equipment from the club.

Until recently, it's been little things:

Bases, batting helmets, doughnuts.

But two nights ago,
they pulled a big one.

They took a pitching machine,
a batting cage, the infield tarp...

and all of Mr. Steinbrenner's

Now, we have reason
to believe it's an inside job.

So if anybody here
knows anything about it...

I recommend strongly
that you come forward.

Dr. Whatley's running a little late.

Take a seat, I'll call you
when he's ready.

All right.

Oh, okay. Right. Thanks, Mr. Pitt.

Okay. Goodbye.

Hey, you wanna go see
the Velvet Fog?

The Velvet Fog?

Yeah, Mel Tormé.
That's his nickname.

What the hell is a velvet fog?

- Do you wanna go or not?
- Well, where is it?

He's performing
at this AMCA benefit.

- Able Mentally Challenged Adults.

I can't watch a man sing a song.

What, are you crazy?

They get all emotional, they sway.
It's embarrassing.

Well, what am I gonna do
for a date?

Do you know that blond guy...

who's always on the Exercycle
at the health club?

- I don't think so.
- No, no, you know.

- He's really handsome, with those...
- Elaine, I really don't...

pay much attention
to men's faces.

- You can't find beauty in a man?
- No.

I find them repugnant
and unappealing.

- Hey.
- To wit.


Elaine and I were discussing whether
or not I could admit a man is attractive.

Oh, you know, I'll tell you
who's an attractive man:

George Will.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Yeah, he has a clean look.
Scrubbed and shampooed and....

He's smart.

No, no, I don't find him
all that bright.

- So you got any cavities?
- Just one.

- Yeah?
- Gotta go back.

Oh, but get this.

- Elaine, you will appreciate this.
- What?

I'm sitting in Tim Whatley's
waiting room...

he's got a Penthouse
right out on the table.

- Penthouse?
- Yeah, what is that?

Isn't that sick? I'd be embarrassed
to have that in my apartment.

- So, what's wrong with that?
- He's a doctor.

I mean, it's supposed to be,
like, a sterile environment.

So did you take a look?

Of course. But that's
got nothing to do with it.

Well, I'll tell you, I'm looking forward
to my appointment on Thursday.

I might even get there
a few minutes early.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hey, listen, do either of you guys
know that blond guy...

who's always on the Exercycle
at the health club?

You know,
he's just really handsome?

I... I wouldn't know.

You know, just admitting
a man is handsome...

doesn't necessarily
make you a homosexual.

It doesn't help.

All right. Never mind.

I'll see you.

Hey, you know those shoes
that Jimmy had?

I cut a deal with him. We're gonna
import a case of them together.

- What for? You got a job.
- There's a lot of money in this.

He's got a proven sales method.

- Yeah? What's that?
- He jumps.

Jimmy's got a backer.

Jimmy's jumping for dollars.

Jimmy and George
are gonna get rich.

Will you stop with the Jimmys?

- Hey, what is this?
- Kung Pao.


Kung Pao!

Look at me.

Look at me.

Come on, I'm stretching
right in front of you.

Hey, a smile.

We made contact.

All right. One more stretch
and then go talk to him.

You know...

Jimmy is pretty sweet on you.

- He is?
- Oh, yeah.

Jimmy's been watching you.

- You're just Jimmy's type.
- Oh, really?

Jimmy's new in town.
Jimmy doesn't really know anyone.

Oh, well, I'd like to get to know him.

Jimmy would like to get to know you.

You think Jimmy likes Mel Tormé?

Jimmy loves the Velvet Fog.

- Hey, Kramer.
- Well, you're looking sharp there, Tim.

Yeah, well, I do what I can.

- How have you been?
- Oh, fine, good, yeah.

I've just been occupying myself
with some of your reading material.

- So, what'll it be? Novocain?
- Yes. Yes, indeed.

- Why don't we clear a path first.
- Let's do that.

- You remember Mr. Thirsty.
- All right.

- You too with these?
- Yeah, I'm onboard.

So, what did Tim say?

Well, he said I gotta
cut out the Skittles.

- Looks like he gave you Novocain.
- Oh, I'm loaded.

What about the Penthouse?
You ask?

Well, he said that, you know...

it helps his patients
relax a little bit.

And he's got a new policy:

Adults only.

- Adults only?
- Yeah.

- What the hell is going on over there?
- Well, you know, it's great.

You know, no kids allowed.

You don't have to watch
your language.

You find the need to use
obscenities at the dentist?

When they pull that needle out,
I let the expletives fly.

Hey, come on, watch it.

You're drooling on the floor. How
much Novocain did that guy give you?

I can't hold the water.

- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, Jimmy.

Jimmy's ready.
Jimmy's got some new moves.

- Go, Jimmy.
- Check Jimmy out.

Jimmy's down.

It's pretty bad, man.
Your boy's gonna be in traction.

Jimmy might have
a compound fracture.

Jimmy's going into shock.

- Why weren't you more careful?
- Hey, I'm doing the best I can.

Why are you taking it
so personally?

Because if he can't jump,
there goes my sneaker business.

Well, I said I'm sorry.

Jimmy's gonna get you, Kramer.

Jimmy holds grudges.
Let Jimmy go.

You know, I can't feel anything.

Hey, taxi!


Okay. Go ahead. Go ahead.

You got it. He's got it.

- Please, go ahead.
- No, no, you were here first.

No, please, I insist.

I'll grab the next one.

- Let's share. We share, all right?
- Yes, let's. That's a great idea.

My name is Arnold Deensfrei.

- What is your name?
- Cosmo Kramer. It's nice to meet you.

Very nice to meet you, Cosmo.

Are you heading home?

Yeah, heading home.

Good for you.

You're really independent.

Well, you're not
doing too bad yourself.

Anyway, Jimmy
couldn't be here today...

so he asked me
to fill in for him.

And I'm sure
that you'll be impressed...

at what can be accomplished
after only a few short days of training.

Here we go.

The Velvet Fog.

- What about the Velvet Fog?
- What about the Velvet Fog?

Well, he's singing at a benefit,
and I'm gonna be sitting at his table.

- I'm going to that.
- Yeah, I'm a guest of honor.

What are you talking about?

Well, this afternoon I shared a cab
with this Deensfrei.

Yeah, yeah, Arnold Deensfrei.
He runs the AMCA.

Well, okay. That's the guy.
He's organizing the dinner.

I know that, but why are you going?

Well, because we hit it off, and he was
very impressed with what I do.

What you do?
You don't do anything.

Well, apparently I do something...

because I'm sitting at the head table
with Mr. Mel Tormé.

What are those?

Oh, these are
my vertical-leap training shoes.

Wait a second. Were you wearing
those shoes in the cab?

Yeah, yeah. Right after I left the Y.

- Don't you see what happened?
- What?

He couldn't talk, he's wearing
these shoes, he's drooling.


He thinks you're
mentally challenged.


- you know.
- What happens when you show up?

He'll see that you're not.

- Not necessarily, because....
- I know, I know.

Cheryl, would you ready
the nitrous oxide, please.

It's good.

Where is Jennifer today?

She's over at Dr. Seisman's office.

Yeah, we find it fun
to swap now and then.

Now, you just take some
deep breaths and try to relax.

Oh, man!

It's George.

Oh, Sports Wholesalers, yeah, yeah.
Thanks for calling me back.

No, I still got the shoes.
Still got shoes, lots of them.

Yeah, this is beautiful athletic gear.

I'm sorry, I gotta call you right back.
Yeah. All right.

- Mr. Wilhelm.
- So, George...

have you heard anything
about the missing equipment?

No, no. Not a thing.

You know, George, there's nothing
I hate more than a liar.

Well, there's no room for someone
like that in this organization.

- Are you feeling all right, George?
- Yeah, fine.

You look a little warm.

It's the chicken.

You're a terrible liar, George.
Look at you. You're a wreck.

- You're sweating bullets.
- It's the Kung Pao.

George likes his chicken spicy.

Maybe you were still under the gas.

Maybe you were hallucinating
you were coming out of the gas...

- but still under the gas.
- I don't think so.

I think they were getting dressed.

And not only that, my shirt was out.

- Your shirt was out?
- I think so.

- Well, what kind of shirt was it?
- You know, like a tennis shirt.

- You don't tuck those in.
- Sometimes I tuck, sometimes I don't.

- Well, were you tucked?
- I think I was tucked.

All right, say you were. What do you
think could have happened?

I don't know. But I was spitting out and
rinsing like there was no tomorrow.

Is this guy a dentist or Caligula?

- What are you getting?
- I don't think I'm hungry.

Okay, so you were violated
by two people...

while you were under the gas.
So what?

You're single.

I'm damaged goods now.

Join the club.

You ever call that guy
from the health club?

Oh, yeah, Jimmy.


- That's the guy?
- Yeah.

I can't believe you're
going out with him.

- Why?
- I don't know, he's so strange.

How so?

Didn't you notice he refers
to himself in the third person?

"Jimmy can dunk.
Jimmy's new in town.

Jimmy will see you later."

No, wait a minute.
That's not him.

That's the guy who gave me
Jimmy's number.

That's Jimmy.

That's the way he talks.

I'm gonna go see Mel Tormé
with him?

Jimmy's gonna put
the moves on Elaine.

So I have to go see
Steinbrenner later.

Wilhelm told him I was responsible
for stealing all the merchandise.


Because when he questioned me,
I was sweating from the Kung Pao.

I don't know how you could
eat that spicy chicken.

George likes spicy chicken.

What's that?

I like spicy chicken.

No, no, you said,
"George likes spicy chicken."

- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.

- "George likes spicy chicken."
- You're turning into Jimmy.

George is getting upset.

So, what did you want
to see Jimmy about?

Well, Jimmy, about tonight.

There's been a little

Jimmy doesn't like

Yeah, well, what happened was...

Jimmy and misunderstandings
kind of clash.

You know, I've never heard
anyone talk the way you do.

- It's very unusual.
- Well, Jimmy's very unusual.

Well, anyway, see, when I made
the date, I thought that Jimmy...

Hey, look, Hank's got
a new boyfriend.

Jimmy's not threatened
by Hank's sexuality.

Jimmy's happy for Hank.

Elaine once tried to convert one...

but Elaine's not gonna go
through that again.

I'm gonna go and try
and find some candy.

- You want some?
- Yeah.

- What kind?
- I don't care.

- Hey, Jimmy.
- Hi, Elaine.

- Elaine got a new dress.
- Jimmy likes it.

There's no candy around here.
Hey, Jimmy.

Well, look who's here.

- That's the guy who sidelined Jimmy.
- What?

That guy took the bread
out of Jimmy's mouth.

Jimmy's out of work
because of you.

- Jimmy wants a piece of Kramer!
- Come on, now.

Get your hands off Jimmy!

Jimmy's gonna get you, Kramer!

Hands off Jimmy!
Don't touch Jimmy!

Let go of Jimmy!

Yeah, l... Is my lip swollen?

Guy's got a problem.

No, no, I've been living alone
a long time now.

Well, I think that's the tops.

You wanted to see me,
Mr. Steinbrenner?

Yes, George, come in, come in.

I've been your biggest supporter...

and I was disappointed to hear
you've been pilfering equipment.

George would never do
anything like that.

- No, why would l? I own it.
- Right.

So, what are you saying?

Why would George steal
from the Yankees?

- He wouldn't.
- Of course not.


I don't know what the hell
is going on here.

- Sir?
- Nothing.

Well, I was thinking it's time
for George's lunch.

Yes, it is. All right.
Let's see, what do I have today?

Oh, darn it.
It's ham and cheese again.

And she forgot the fancy mustard.
I told her I like that fancy mustard.

You could put that mustard on a shoe
and it would taste pretty good to me.

She made up for it with a cupcake.

I got a new system of eating these.
I used to peel off the chocolate.

Now I eat the cake first
and save the frosting for the end.

It's almost a dessert dessert.

Ladies and gentlemen...

I wanna dedicate this song
to a very courageous young man.

Hey, got the new Penthouse.

- Where's my Mr. Goodbar?
- Yeah, here you are.

Oh, here, here. Listen.

"Dear Penthouse:

I'd like to tell you about
an experience I recently had.

As an avid reader,
I've always wondered...

- If the letters are true.
- If the letters are true.

I'm a dentist, and one afternoon,
my hygienist and l...

decided to have a little fun
with one of our patients.

Of course, none of our patients had
any idea exactly what we were up to.

I was still wondering whether or not
the tools I could use...."