Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 6, Episode 17 - The Doorman - full transcript

Now I was thinking the other day about...

hair and that the weird thing about it...

is that people will touch
other people's hair.

You will actually kiss another
human being right on the head...

but if one of those hairs...

should somehow be able to get out
of that skull and go off on its own...

it is now the vilest, most disgusting
thing that you can encounter.

The same hair.

People freak out,
"There was a hair in the egg salad."

Say it's Saturday night in Spain.
They go out dancing.

Think they do the flamenco?



I would think.

So you could call a woman
for a date...

ask her if she's free
for dinner and a flamenco.

You don't flamenco on the first date.

I wish the flamenco
was popular here.

- Yeah? Would you do it?
- Yes, I think I would.

Well, I knew you had
an affinity for it...

because it's the dance
of a very proud people.

Hello. Oh, hi, Nana. What?

Oh, all right.
Okay, don't worry about it.

Okay, I'll see you later.
All right, bye.

- I have to go over my grandmother's.
- What for?

I have to open
a bottle of ketchup for her.

- So, what, no lunch?
- No, we have time.



- How's she doing?
- She's starting to slip a little.

She has trouble distinguishing
between the past and the present.

There's gotta be an easier way
to open ketchup.

They should make it in a tube.

- Like toothpaste?
- Yeah.

- There's a squeeze ketchup.
- I've seen squeeze mustard.

- I've never seen squeeze ketchup.
- If they make squeeze mustard...

doesn't it stand to reason
they make squeeze ketchup?

Not necessarily.
Mustard lends itself to the squeeze.

- I don't see the difference.
- There's a difference.

- It's subtle.
- It's subtle?

Hey, isn't Elaine
supposed to meet us?

Yeah, there she is.

What?

She's with her friend Wendy.

Wendy?
Is that the physical therapist?

Yeah. I'm on a kiss-hello
program with her.

- Really?
- Yeah. Every time I see her...

I gotta kiss hello.
I did it once on her birthday.

Somehow it mushroomed.
Now I dread seeing her because of it.

- Hey.
- I'm down to one kiss hello.

- My aunt Celia.
- That's fortunate. I really admire that.

Really? I never heard you say
you admired me for anything.

No, I told you I admire your hearing.

Oh, don't slough that off.
You have great hearing.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Did you ever meet George?
- Wendy.

- You're a physical therapist, right?
- Yes.

You know,
I got this little swelling right here.

It's kind of painful.
What do you make of that?

- George...
- Have you tried heat and ice on it?

Oh, that... That really seems
like a lot of trouble.

You could come by my office later.
I could work on it for you.

Oh, okay.

Let me give you my card.

- Oh, thank you.
- Well, I'll see you guys later.

- Nice meeting you. Bye.
- Bye, Wendy. I'm sorry.

- Bye, Jerry.
- Bye.

- What did you do that for?
- What?

Ask about your arm.

I still don't see why I can't
ask her about my arm.

She's a physical therapist.

She doesn't wanna have to deal
with that outside the office.

- Why not?
- Because it is what she does.

I love these people.
You can't ask them questions.

They're so mentally gifted that we
mustn't disturb the delicate genius...

unless it's in the confines
of an office.

When huge sums of money are
involved, the genius can be disturbed.

George, you got a little
something right here.

- People think they're so important.
- I'm going on record right now.

That was my last kiss hello. I am
getting off the kiss program with her.

- Why?
- Well, you know, frankly...

outside of a sexual relationship,
I don't see the point to it.

I'm not thrilled with the handshaking
either, but one step at a time.

- What are you getting?
- And what's with that hairdo?

Oh, yeah. I know.
It's not very flattering.

I mean, she looks like something
out of an old high school yearbook.

You should say something to her.

Oh, I could never say anything
to her about that.

Yeah, Kramer's the only person
who could say something like that.

- Yeah.
- Well, just tell Kramer to tell her.

No. If you tell him to do it,
he'll never do it.

What you have to do is introduce him,
and then he'll just come out with it.

Yes. Yes, you're right. That's right.

I'll bring her over to meet Kramer.

- Hi.
- Hey. Hello, boys and girls.

Yeah. Hey, listen.
I need a picture of you, buddy.

- What for?
- I'm putting everybody's picture up...

- in the lobby of our building.
- Why?

Everyone will know everybody's name.
People are gonna be a lot friendlier.

I don't want my picture
plastered up in the lobby.

Imagine walking by someone on
the floor and you say, "Hey, Carl"...

and he says, "Hey, Jerry." That's
the kind of society I wanna live in.

Kramer, I don't wanna stop and talk
every time I go in the building.

I just wanna nod
and be on my way.

You know,
your eyeliner's smudged a little.

Why do you wear
so much eye makeup?

Yeah. This is gonna work out
just fine.

Ma, again with the ketchup?

Don't they have them in
the plastic squeeze containers?

Jerry. Hello.

Hello, Uncle Leo.

- What are you doing here?
- Nana called me to open the bottle.

Yeah, me too.

- Hello, Jerry.
- Hi, Nana.

- Aren't you gonna kiss her hello?
- Yes, yes, of course.

Well, here's the bottle.

- I'll do it.
- I got it.

- Give it to me.
- Stop it.

- Jerry, would you give me the bottle?
- Uncle Leo.

All right. Take it.

You should let Buddy open it.

Buddy? He lived next door to us
45 years ago.

- Leo, did you give Helen the $50?
- What $50?

Your father won $1000
at the track last week...

and he gave you 100...

and you were supposed to give
$50 to your sister.

Ma, Dad died in 1962.

Believe me,
I don't owe your mother $50.

I'm not getting any hot water.

I know there's nothing worse
than when your shower's not working.

- I'm gonna take care of it.
- Thanks, Julio.

All right.

- Oh, hey.
- Hey, hey. Hello.

- What's going on here?
- Nothing, nothing.

- Well, then what are you doing?
- I need a pen.

- What for?
- Well, I'm making out my will.

Oh, I got a big slice of dough
for you, buddy...

and you too.
I haven't forgotten you.

You're looking for a picture of me?

You got that straight.

I told you, forget it.

Oh, come on, Jerry.
If everybody knew everybody...

we wouldn't have the problems
we have in the world.

You don't rob somebody
if you know their name.

You're robbing me.

I'm gonna get your picture, and you're
gonna participate in my program.

- Are you going home?
- Yeah.

Can you come back
in about five minutes?

Why?

No reason.
Just wanna see you again.

- You sure Wendy's coming?
- Yeah, she'll be here any second.

This will be an interesting experiment
to see if Kramer says something.

- You wanna go through with this?
- Listen, Jerry, she never dates...

and I know it's because of her hair.

Hello. Oh, hi, Mom.

Yeah, I was at Nana's yesterday. I
had to help her open a ketchup bottle.

Hey, Mom, let me ask you a question.

Do you remember
when you were a kid...

your father winning,
like, $1000 at the track?

Really?

Did you know
he gave Uncle Leo $100...

and he was supposed
to give you 50?

How do I know? Because Nana
doesn't know what year it is...

and she thinks
this just happened.

Well, I think you should.

Okay. Bye.

Do you know what the interest
on that $50 comes to over 53 years?

Oh, Morty, please.

$663.45...

and that's figuring conservatively
at 5 percent interest...

over 53 years
compounded quarterly.

- Or if you put it into a 10-year T-bill...
- Morty, will you stop it?

Well, he's not
getting away with this.

- Yeah?
- It's Wendy.

Come on up.

- This is it. Should I go get Kramer?
- No, no. He'll come in.

This is gonna be my first
opportunity to not kiss her hello.

What is the big deal about putting
your lips on somebody's face?

It's the obligation. You know,
as soon as this person comes in...

you know you have to do this.

I mean, if you could, say, touch
a breast as part of the kiss hello...

then I think I could see
the value in it a little better.

How about an intercourse hello?
How would that be?

Elaine, now you're being ridiculous.

- That's her. That's her.
- Wait, wait.

- What?
- Okay, go, go, go.

- Hi, Wendy.
- Hi, Elaine.

- Hi, Wendy.
- Oh, hi, Jerry.

- Would you like something to drink?
- Sure.

There you go.

Oh, look at that.
I'm almost out of Klondike bars.

So how's everything going?

Oh, okay. Your friend George
came by the office the other day.

And then yesterday,
he canceled on me.

Yeah, he had to take
his mother to the chiropodist.

Oh, did you hear that?
That must be Kramer.

Hey, Jerry.

- Come on. That's not fair.
- I told you I was gonna get it.

- No, come on. Give me the picture.
- No, no, no.

All right, fine. Put my picture up.
What do I care?

Kramer, Kramer, I'd like you
to meet my friend Wendy.

- Oh, hello.
- Hi.

You know, I really like that hairdo.

Thank you. I actually was thinking
it might be time for a change.

- Oh, you were?
- No, no. You don't wanna do that.

- Nobody wears it like that.
- No, Kramer...

- if she wants to change her hair...
- No.

You'd be a damn fool to change it.

- It's very becoming.
- Oh, well.

So who's that friend of yours,
that guy who came in?

- Oh, Kramer.
- Yeah. Does he have a girlfriend?

You wanna go out with him?

Well, why not?

Well, it's just that... That l...

What, is there anything
wrong with him?

Elaine?

No, I'm just thinking
about the question.

You know, my arm feels a lot better.
That Wendy really knows her stuff.

- She is super.
- Yeah.

Same time tomorrow?

Yeah, same time. There you go.

Oh, you owe 150.

- What for?
- Well, you canceled on Tuesday...

and our policy is 24 hours' notice...

for all cancellations.

Well, I couldn't come. I had to drive
my mother to the chiropodist.

- What's the problem?
- I'm being charged for Tuesday.

I had to take my mother
to the chiropodist.

Well, I'm sorry. That's our policy.

Oh, you have a policy.
The delicate genius has a policy.

So will you be here tomorrow?

Well, it's less than 24 hours,
so I guess I have to.

Hey. So, what do you think?
You like it?

Oh, my God. Look at that picture.
That's terrible.

You can't put that picture up.

Well, it's not a beauty contest.

It's just a way for people
to get to know one another.

- Hi, Cosmo.
- Hey...

Steve.

Now, you see?

Hey, Kramer. My friend Wendy
wants to go out with you.

Well, how do you do?

Hello, Jerry.

Oh, hello...

Mary.

I've seen you so many times, and
now we can finally talk to each other.

See, what was I telling you?
Isn't this nice?

Jerry, you know, could you
help me with a package?

- Oh, sure. Yeah.
- Thank you.

Oh, no.

You see, that's just what I need,
more kissing.

What is so funny?

Nothing. Nothing.

Hello. Oh, hi, Ma.

What?

Oh, Ma, he didn't?

He couldn't.

All right, I will.

Okay, bye.

Uncle Leo put Nana in a home.

- Why?
- I don't know.

Maybe to keep her quiet.

Hi, Jerry.

- Hi, Joan.
- How you doing?

- Pretty good.
- Just pretty good? Not great?

Okay, great.

- Are you happy?
- Oh, I'm delighted.

- Okay. Have a nice day.
- You too.

- Hi, Jerry.
- Hi, Louise.

Hey.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

- For what?
- For putting my picture up on that wall.

I'm like Richard Dawson
down there now.

Every person I see engages me in this
long, boring, tedious conversation.

- I can't even get out of the building.
- You should be thanking me...

for liberating you from your world
of loneliness and isolation.

- Now you're part of a family.
- Family?

- Yeah.
- You think I want another family?

My father's demanding
my uncle pay interest...

on $50 he was supposed
to give my mother in 1941...

and my uncle put my Nana
in a home to try and shut her up.

Another thing, Cosmo, Kramer,
whatever you wanna be called...

the kissing thing is over.
There's no more kissing...

and I don't care
what the consequences are.

Oh, hi, Mr. Costanza. We were
trying to get in touch with you.

Wendy can't make her appointment.

- What do you mean?
- She had some personal affairs...

she had to attend to.

I left a message on your machine.
You didn't get it?

- When did you leave the message?
- A few hours ago.

Oh, I'm sorry. I require 24 hours'
notice for a cancellation.

Now, as I see it,
you owe me $75.

- Look, Mr. Costanza...
- Will that be cash or check?

I am really glad I took the day off.

Oh, yeah.
There's nothing better than skiing.

Yeah. God, I hope my clients
weren't too upset.

The hell with them.

What are you stopping here for?

I'm dropping you off.

- Oh, no. I'm three more blocks.
- If I take you right to your door...

I have to go all the way around
Central Park West, back to Columbus.

You know, it's all one-way.

Yeah, but it's only three blocks.

Right. It's only three blocks.

All right. Well.

I got it.

She'd driven me 120 miles,
then all of a sudden...

three blocks from my door,
she decides this trip is over.

- Isn't that strange?
- Yes, it's very strange, very strange.

I've never heard of anything like this.

It's as if I was hitchhiking and she
said, "This is as far as I can take you."

If you were, you'd never get in a car
with someone with a hairdo like that.

I had to carry my skis
and my boots and my poles.

- I pinched a nerve in my shoulder.
- You should have her work on it.

Yeah. All right. I gotta go.

- Hi, Jerry.
- Hi, Mary.

Listen, I've decided
I can't kiss hello anymore.

I'm sorry. It's nothing personal. It
makes me uncomfortable. I'm sorry.

- Hi, Jerry.
- Hi, Louise. I was just telling Mary...

how I'm not gonna do the
kiss-hello thing anymore. I'm sorry.

I just can't do it.
It's nothing personal.

It's just that I'm not really able to
do it. Thank you for your cooperation.

- Hello.
- Jerry?

Hi, Mom. What's happening
with Uncle Leo? Is he paying you?

Well, he said no.
He says we have no proof.

No proof? We'll get him.

He's a crook.
Sooner or later he'll slip up.

Anyway, I want you to go
check on Nana at the home.

- Okay, I will.
- Do you realize...

an above average performing
growth mutual fund for 53 years...

- What's up?
- I gotta go visit my nana in the home.

Hey, Kramer. Look at this.
Look at my picture.

I've been defaced.

Well, don't you worry, buddy.
I made double prints.

- Hey. Hi, Cosmo.
- Oh, hey. Jack. How you doing?

Hi, Jack.

I was wondering, could you get
to that shower today, you think?

Oh, I see. When you need something
done, then you're friendly to people.

- No, no. That's not true.
- Well, I think it is.

It's a big building, Seinfeld.
Maybe I'll get to it someday...

after I take care of the people
that are civil to each other.

Yeah, she's upstairs playing cards.

She really doesn't belong here.
My uncle put her here...

because he's trying to prove
he doesn't owe my mother $50.

Well, she seems very happy.

She met an old friend
who used to live next door to her.

- Buddy?
- Yes, that's his name.

He's right over there.

I'm sorry. I don't owe you anything.

I had some personal business
that day.

Oh, I see. So your time is more
valuable than mine. Is that it?

You're a delicate genius.

A delicate genius?

- Elaine.
- George.

Good luck.

- What's going on?
- Wendy...

I injured my shoulder Wednesday
when you dropped me off...

and I had to carry my skis and my
boots and my poles all the way home.

I'm having trouble lifting my arm.

You think you could
give me some treatment?

Oh, sure.
You have insurance, right?

Insurance? You're charging me?

Wednesday?

That's your personal business?
Skiing?

Sure. Let people suffer while
you're shooshing all over a mountain.

- How did you hear that?
- I hear everything.

All right, why don't you two just
take your business elsewhere.

That is a good idea.

- Come on, George.
- Yeah. Let's go.

And you know, you might wanna
do something about that hair.

Why? What's wrong with my hair?

I think it's a little
old-fashioned, don't you?

- Tell her.
- She's right.

So you were with him
at the track?

Oh, yeah. He won $1000.
His son was there too.

- Leo?
- Yeah, that's it. Leo.

Oh, what an obnoxious little kid.

He used to steal my soda bottles
and cash them in for the deposit.

Is that so?

After your grandfather hit
the daily double, he gave him $100...

and told him to give $50
to his sister.

His sister?

Well, I said he should give it to me
for all the bottles he took.

Well, that's very interesting.

Uncle Leo...

I just met an old acquaintance
of yours. You remember Buddy.

He just told me quite a story about
you and Grandpa at the track.

- Wait a second.
- You're busted.

Hey, Steve. How you doing?

Hey, Jeff. What's happening?

Mary. Oh, Mary.

Give us a kiss. Don't be like that.
I made a mistake.

Look, why don't you do everybody a
favor and just get out of this building.

Nobody wants you here. Nobody!

- Hi, Mary.
- Oh, hi, Jeff. How are you?

Hi, Steve. How are you?

- Hey, let's go get some coffee.
- Great idea.

I gotta go down to the corner, but...

Oh, Paul, could you hold that door?

- Hi.
- Hey, could I use your shower?

What, again?
You took one this morning.

I got a date. Come on. Please.

I know, but, you know,
I got a little problem.

- Wendy here?
- No, no. She changed her hairstyle.

It's terrible. No, we're done.

- I'll go get some more beer.
- Oh, yeah. Great.

And get some of those
blue corn chips.

- Hey.
- Hi, Cosmo.

Hi. I like that.

- Who was that?
- That was Stephanie, 2G.

Oh, man.

- You got quite a few people in here.
- Well, I'd invite you in...

but, you know.

Oh, I understand.