Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 6, Episode 16 - The Kiss Hello - full transcript

The whole concept of
the wanted poster...

has gotta be the most wildly
optimistic crime-fighting idea.

I mean, so how does it work?
Okay. I'm on line at the post office.

I see the guy.
I see the list of offenses.

I check the guy standing
in line behind me.

If it's not him, that's
pretty much all I can do.

Okay? It's not that
I don't want to help.

Annoying thing is, why
didn't they hold on to this guy...

when they're taking his picture?

"No, we don't do it that way. We
take their picture and we let them go.

That's how we get
the front and side shot.



The front is his face.
The side is him leaving."

Look at you. Why don't you use a
fork. You're no good with the sticks.

I know. I need a lesson.

You stink. You know you stink.
What is this?

Oh, my ballet tickets.

Oh, your ballet tickets.

Have you ever been to the ballet?

No, but I've seen people on tiptoes.

- You know, I'm going as a beard.
- A beard?

Yeah. This friend of a friend
knows this banker guy.

He's 30-ish, unbelievably gorgeous.

- Of course he's gay.
- Yeah.

So anyway, his boss has this box
at the Met, and he invited him...

to go see Swan Lake with him and
his wife. But he's afraid his boss...



can't handle his orientation.
So I'm going along as his date.

- Why are you doing this?
- Swan Lake at the Met.

- Yeah?
- Get it on with your bad self.

Chinese food.
I knew I smelled something.

- Yeah.
- Is George still wearing that toupee?

- Yeah.
- Doesn't he know how ridiculous...

- he looks in that thing?
- I think he looks fantastic.

Oh, come on.

I never realized
what an attractive man he is.

Oh, he's a real looker, that one.

- Hey.
- People, people, people.

Not bad, huh?

All right. Excuse me.

You look ridiculous in that thing.

Is that so?

Or could it be that you're
just a little bit worried...

that you may have
missed the boat?

Well, I think they might have
sutured that thing to your brain.

Oh, all right. Go ahead.
Deride. Deride if you must.

But let me tell you something.

With my personality and this head
of hair, you know what I am now?

I am in the game.

I no longer defer to the coifed.
I'm a player.

You know, I thought of something.

I know this gorgeous woman.
She called me up this morning.

She's moving into the city,
and she asked if I knew anyone...

she could meet.
Now you can go out with her.

- Well, what about me?
- No, I think he's got you beat, buddy.

- So she's gorgeous?
- Yeah. Last time I saw her she was.

- Five years ago.
- You got a picture?

No, no.

Well, I have to see her.

Hey. I know what we can do.

I got a friend, works
at the police station.

- He's a composite artist.
- Really?

- I can get him to draw a picture of her.
- I would love that.

- You think he'd really do it?
- I think he will.

It sounds like an excellent idea.

You done with all this? I'm gonna
give it to a homeless person.

Yeah, I'm very excited about this.

I always wanted to see
how these sketch artists do it.

Here you go, brother.
Some food for you.

Thank you. You're a good man.
Bless you.

- You gonna be here in an hour?
- Where am I going?

All right. Enjoy.

Wait up!

That's good.

And make the eyes....

- What's that nut?
- Almonds?

Almonds. Yeah. That's good.

- Can I see...?
- No, no. Not yet.

Yeah. And make
the lips fuller, poutier.

Pouty? I like that.

- You can't go wrong with pouty.
- I'm excited about the pouty.

- All right. I think that about does it.
- George, come on. Take a look.

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, my God. You were right.

She is gorgeous.

Hey, Lou, who's that
woman over there?

Her? Oh, that's Sergeant Tierney.

- Nice officer.
- You wanna meet her?

Well, this worked out okay.

You gonna see that policewoman?

Yeah. I think I will.

I like the idea of having
the law on my side.

- Hey, man. Did you enjoy the food?
- Yes, I did.

Where did the Chinese
learn to cook like that?

Listen. I'll take that Tupperware now.

I don't think so.

That's mine.

- You gave it to me.
- I didn't say you could keep it.

See, I don't give away Tupperware.

- You should've said something.
- I didn't think I had to.

Look, with a piece of Tupperware,
you just assume.

Oh, yeah!

I've really gotta thank you for this.

The bank I work for
is so conservative.

Well, by now you'd think people
would be a little more open-minded.

Excuse me.
I have to run to the bathroom.

- Okay.
- Great.

So....

- You and Robert?
- Yep.

- Really?
- Yes, indeedy.

I'm surprised.

Really? Why?

No reason.

Well, believe me.
This didn't happen overnight.

Robert is not exactly a one-woman
man, if you know what I mean.

No, sirree, Bob.

Sure, I mean, in a lot of ways
he's a typical guy. He likes his sports.

But he counters that side with the side
you see here tonight at the ballet...

or the pleasure he gets
watching Liza Minnelli...

belt out a few choice numbers.

It's those two halves of his personality
that just come together...

to make him the
very special guy that he is.

Excuse me. Sorry.

Oh, hi, honey.

It was just such a great night.

And did they suspect anything?

No, I was a fantastic beard.

I held hands. I called him "honey."

And we discover yet another talent:
posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals.

Oh, it was just such a great night.

You said that already.

- Oh, I did?
- Yeah.

Oh, no.

Don't tell me....

You like him?

He's incredible.

Yeah, but....

Yeah. I know.

- So?
- What?

Not conversion?

You're thinking conversion?

Well, it did occur to me.

You think you can get him
to change teams?

He's not gonna suddenly
switch sides.

Forget about it.

Why? Is it irrevocable?

Because when you join that team,
it's not a whim.

He likes his team.
He's set with that team.

- But we've got a good team.
- Yeah, we do.

We do have a good team.

Well, why can't he play for us?

They're only comfortable
with their equipment.

But we just got along so great.

Of course. Everyone gets along great
when there's no possibility of sex.

No, no, no. I sensed something.
I did sense something.

I perceived a possibility, Jerry.

You realize you're venturing
into uncharted waters?

I realize that.

Are you that desperate?

Yes, I am.

Are you gonna bring your gun?

Yeah, I think you should
leave it at home.

I don't really know you that well. What
if we get into a fight or something?

You know, you lose your temper.
Who knows what you're capable of.

All right. Then it's settled.
First date, no weapons.

All right. I'll see you then.

Okay, bye.

Yeah, yeah.

Here we go.

- What are you looking for?
- Tupperware.

Sorry. I don't have any Tupperware.

See, I knew this was gonna happen.

I just made a delicious casserole,
but it won't keep...

because I have no Tupperware.

- What about a plastic bag?
- You must be kidding.

What is the difference?

The patented burp, Jerry.
It locks in freshness.

- Hey.
- Hey.

So I spoke to your
little friend Denise last night.

Oh, yeah. You talked, huh?

Yeah. For two hours.
She's nuts about you.

Yeah. We go way back, you know.

Why didn't anything ever happen
between you two?

Who's to say it didn't?

So did you describe yourself
to her over the phone?

Yes, I did.

- What did you say?
- What do you think I said?

I don't know.

I told her the truth.

As you see it?

Yes, as I see it.

Did you tell her about
your little hat there?

What hat?

You know, your little hair hat there.

- No.
- Don't you think she could tell?

No, no, no. She can't tell.
It's a perfect match. Beautiful job.

Are you kidding? I could spot
that bird's nest two blocks away.

You only think that
because you know me.

Noticed people
staring at your head?

I noticed people staring at my head
because they like what they see.

You should either take it off
or tell her about it.

He's not gonna take it off.
If he was gonna go bald...

I never would have
introduced them.

- I guarantee she won't know.
- Yeah. That's it.

I'm gonna go down to the precinct,
have lunch with Lou.

Oh, I'll split a cab with you.

Hey, I'm really sorry about the
other day, man. Really sorry.

Hey, that's my coffee.

- Hi, sarge.
- Hi.

I'm sorry I'm late. Some of our
lineup decoys didn't show, so....

Hey, any of you guys want to be in
the lineup, make a quick 50 bucks?

Sure, I will.

Perfect. Okay. Just go right
over there with Officer Lampart.

All right.

All of you, turn to the left.

The left.

Now, turn to the right.

Oh, my God. There she is.
That's the face.

Just like the picture.

- George?
- Yeah. Hi.

- It's great to meet you.
- Likewise.

- Have you been waiting long or...?
- No. I got here two minutes ago.

Good, good.

Well, why don't you take off
your hat, stay a while.

- What's that?
- A polygraph.

What you civilians call
a lie detector test.

Let me ask you.
Now, when someone is lying...

is it true that their pants
are actually on fire?

If I could tell you the famous faces
that have been up here....

Get out.

A certain cast member
of Melrose Place.

Really?

- Have you ever seen the show?
- No.

You can admit it, Jerry. It's okay.

I'd admit it. I don't watch it.

Hey, Lou. Maybe we should
put him on the poly.

- The poly?
- Yeah. I think you've seen it.

Melrose Place?

Yes, Melrose Place.

- I just didn't know you watch that.
- Well, I do.

Every time I've mentioned it...

you never say anything
or join in the conversation.

Well, maybe I was
a little embarrassed.

You mean, this whole time,
we could have been...

discussing Sydney
and Michael and Jane?

And Billy and Jake and Allison.
Yes, we could have discussed it.

Why? Why were you
so embarrassed?

I'm gonna be taking
this lie detector test.

That needle's gonna be going wild.

This is so stupid.

- Why don't you just confess?
- It's too stupid to confess.

Look what I'm confessing to.

Well, what are you gonna do?

I don't know. Maybe I could
beat the machine.

Who do you think you are,
Costanza?

Hey, you know what? I have access to
one of the most deceitful, duplicitous...

deceptive minds of our time.
Who better to advise me?

Oh, God, this is terrible.

- Did you shake it up?
- No.

- You gotta shake it up.
- No. I'm sick of shaking.

You gotta shake everything.

Yeah, that's a real nuisance.

Oh, this is killing me.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

So I'm going out tonight
with Robert...

and the boss and his wife.

So tonight you gonna
make the move?

Yeah, I think I might.

Hey, there he is.

So, what happened?
Could she detect it?

- That's an interesting question.
- How so?

How so?

I'll tell you how so.

She's bald.

What do you mean, "bald"?

What do you think I mean? Bald.
Bald. Bald, bald.

- She's bald?
- She's bald, Jerry.

- Oh, come on.
- Oh, come on?

No "come on." She took off
her hat, and there she was.

"Hello."

It was like I was looking at myself
in the mirror.

Well, maybe she got a haircut
or something.

You know, let me tell you something.

No one walks into a beauty parlor
and says, "Give me the Larry Fine."

Women go bald?

Yeah, I've heard of that.
I mean, they usually wear a wig.

- Hey, buddy.
- Hey.

Hey.

You fixed me up with a bald woman.

- Bald?
- Yeah, that's right.

Do you see the irony here?

You're rejecting somebody
because they're bald.

So?

You're bald!

No, I'm not.

I was bald.

Elaine.

Hey, hey. Hey, come on.

No, no, no! Elaine!

I don't like this thing!

And here's what I'm doing with it!

Don't!

- You started that fight with me.
- I figured that's what couples do.

You almost convinced me
we were a couple.

It was easy. Really.

Well, good night.
I'll call you tomorrow.

Oh, wait a second.

Would you like to come upstairs?

Upstairs?

Yeah.

Upstairs?

Elaine...

I was hoping, you know...

you might be interested
in changing teams.

Changing teams?

Have you ever thought about it?

But I'm a starting shortstop.

Robert, we need a shortstop.

Real bad.

When she threw that toupee
out the window...

it was the best thing
that ever happened to me.

I feel like my old self again: totally
inadequate, completely insecure...

paranoid, neurotic.
It's a pleasure.

It's good to have you back.

You know what else
I've decided to do?

I'm gonna keep seeing
the bald woman.

She's as good as anybody else.

Scalp was clean.

She had a nice skull.

There just wasn't a lot of hair on it.

You know, you've had, like, a religious
awakening. You're like a bald-again.

Gonna need
a little more coffee here.

So, George, how do I beat
this lie detector?

I'm sorry. Jerry, I can't help you.

You got the gift. You're the only one
that could help me.

Jerry, I can't.

It's like saying to Pavarotti,
"Teach me to sing like you."

All right. Well, I gotta go
take this test.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Jerry, just remember:

It's not a lie if you believe it.

- Hey.
- Hey. I did it.

- What?
- I turned him. He defected.

Get out. How?

- How did you do that?
- Because I'm a woman.

Do you know what you've done?

You've given hope to every woman
who's ever said, "Too bad he's gay."

Well, it's a lesson for the kids
out there. Anything is possible.

Indeed.

Jeromy, I have hit the jackpot.
The perfect man.

Nothing but sex and shopping.

What's your name?

Jerry Seinfeld.

What is your address?

129 West 81st Street.

Did Kimberly steal Jo's baby?

I don't know.

Did Billy sleep with
Allison's best friend?

I don't know.

Did Jane's fiancé kidnap Sydney
and take her to Las Vegas?

And if so, did she enjoy it?

I don't know.

Did Jane sleep with Michael again?

Yes!

Yes. That stupid idiot.
He left her for Kimberly.

He slept with her sister, tricked her
into giving him half her business.

Then she goes and
sleeps with him again?

She's crazy. How could she do
something like that? That Jane!

Oh, she just makes me so mad!

He went back?

What do you mean, he went back?

He went back.

I don't understand. You were having
a great time. The sex, the shopping.

Well, here's the thing.

Being a woman...

I only really have access to the...

equipment...

what, 30, 45 minutes a week?

And that's on a good week.

How can I be expected
to have the same expertise...

as people who own
this equipment...

and have access to it
24 hours a day, their entire lives?

You can't.

That's why they lose
very few players.

Yeah, I guess I never really
stood a chance.

Well, there's always a place
for you on our team.

Yeah, thanks.

Is Melrose Place on?

- Yeah, coming on in a few minutes.
- Okay.

Hey. Don't worry, it hasn't started.

Hey, you know, George,
I am really proud of you.

I really do admire what you've done.

Do you?

That makes me so happy.

Elaine's proud of me, Jerry.

What is the matter?

I got rejected by a bald woman.

- What?
- A bald woman rejected me.

You like that one?

A woman with no prospects and
no hair told me that I wasn't her type.

Apparently baldy likes
a slimmer guy.

Well, I'll tell you what I think.

I think she saw you with
that piece off and was devastated.

You blew it, boy. You really blew it!

And you had to ruin it for him,
didn't you?

I didn't ruin anything.
He looked like an idiot.

- No.
- And it made him act like a jerk.

All right. Shut up. Shut up.
Melrose Place is coming on.

Oh, that Michael. I hate him.
He's just so smug.

Hey, how you doing, Stu?
Eddie, my man, huh?

You again?
Boy, you're a slippery one.

You better straighten up
and fly right, buddy boy.

- What do you got?
- An eyewitness...

to that jewelry store break-in.

Come here.

Do you recognize
anybody in this lineup?

That's the guy, officer.
The guy there in the middle.

The tall guy with the high hair.
I'd recognize him anywhere.

Hey, you. You with the high hair.

Step forward.

Me?