Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 6, Episode 1 - The Chaperone - full transcript

Jerry dates a Miss America contestant.

I've always wondered why baseball
is so associated with sex.

"He's playing the field. He scored.
He didn't get to first base."

"I struck out." "Why?"
"She wanted a diamond."

It's always baseball,
always baseball.

As far as baseball goes,
I prefer the fat umpires.

If you're on the field
and not in the game...

you should be in the worst physical
condition a human could be in.

They should be allowed
to eat during the game.

We're too into sports in this country.
We gotta throttle back.

People come home
from these games:

"We won, we won!"
No, they won, you watched.

Okay, Danny. Take a swing.
No, no, no.

- You're opening up your shoulder.
- Really?

No, not really. I'm just saying this to
you because I like to hear myself talk.

Yes, really.

All right, all right.

- What are you all sweating for?
- It's hot in this uniform.

- Hot? What is this?
- What is what?

This uniform. What's it made from?

- I don't know. Cotton?
- No. No, no.

This is not cotton. Here, let me see.

- What are you doing?
- I wanna see the label.

Will you stop it? Come on.

- Oh, of course. Polyester!
- So?

- I can't believe you're not in cotton.
- This is what they give us.

You know they used to make
leisure suits out of this fabric?

- You really think cotton is better?
- Of course.

All right, maybe I'll say
something to Buck.

- Yeah, good idea. Catch you later.
- Yeah.

Hey, don't embarrass me today.

I got some friends in the stands.

- Hot dogs here. Yankee franks.
- Oh, you want one?

- Yeah.
- I'll get it.

- I got it.
- Jerry.

- Elaine, stop it.
- Just because I'm not working...

doesn't mean I don't have
any money. Yo. Dogs. Two.

All right. I'm sorry.

Your attention, please.
The New York Yankees...

would like to welcome
Miss Connecticut...

Miss Rhode Island
and Miss North Dakota.

All of whom will be competing
in the Miss America pageant...

this weekend in Atlantic City.

Now, there's a career path
you may have overlooked.

Oh, I gotta check my machine. I'm
waiting to hear about an interview.

Doubleday is looking for somebody
to replace Jackie Onassis.

- She worked at Doubleday?
- Yeah, she was an editor.

- Oh, right, just like you.
- Yeah.

- Would you move your feet?
- Yeah.

- Hey, lady!
- Hey, down in front!

- Hey!
- Move your feet.

- I'm going.
- Come on.

- Hot dog?
- No, thanks.

- I'm watching my weight.
- I'm watching my height.

My doctor doesn't want me
to get any taller.

- So you're Miss...?
- Rhode Island.

I was almost Mr. Coffee.
They felt I was a little too relaxed.

Miss Rhode Island?

- When are you seeing her?
- Tonight. I have to call her.

She's staying in a hotel.

- You're incredible.
- And get this:

I'm working Atlantic City
this weekend.

She's gonna be there
for the pageant.

What if she becomes Miss America?
You could be dating Miss America.

The only bad thing is we have
to go out with a chaperone.

Chaperone? What, are you kidding?

- No. It's the contest rules.
- What does the chaperone do?

I don't know. She just sits there.

- Can she talk?
- I'm not sure if she's allowed to talk.

- Are you calling her?
- Yeah.

Yes. Room 417, please.
Karen Hanson.

Hey, did you know the Yankees
don't wear cotton jerseys?

Of course. They're polyester.

Well, what is that? That's a crime.

You know how hot those things get?
They should be wearing cotton.

- Why do they wear polyester?
- I don't know.

That's all gonna change.

- You're gonna do something about it?
- Why shouldn't l?

No reason.

Of course, Jackie O
was a great lady.

Those are gonna be
some tough shoes to fill.

Everyone loved her.

She had such...

- grace.
- Yes!

- Grace!
- Not many people have grace.

Well, you know,
grace is a tough one.

I like to think I have a little grace.

- Not as much as Jackie O, but...
- You can't have a little grace.

You either have grace
or you don't.

Okay, fine. I have no grace.

And you can't acquire grace.

Well, I have no intention
of getting grace.

Grace isn't something
you can pick up at the market.

All right, look. I don't have grace,
I don't want grace...

I don't even say grace, okay?

- Thank you for coming in.
- Yeah, yeah, right.

We'll make our choice in a few days
and we'll let you know.

- I have no chance, do l?
- No.

All right. Thanks.

Justin Pitt to see you.

- Justin Pitt?
- He was a very close friend...

of Mrs. Onassis'.

Mrs. Onassis'.
That's hard to pronounce.

- Excuse me?
- Nothing, nothing.

Mrs. Landis, there's something
wrong with this copying machine.

It's all coming out slanted.

Now, I don't know if this
is your department or not.

Justin Pitt, this is Elaine Benes.


I was a great admirer
of Mrs. Onassis.

Hello, Karen?
Hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld.

Oh, that's very sweet of you.

You better be careful.
You don't wanna get too congenial.

They'll slap that
Miss Congeniality on you...

you'll congenial yourself
right out of the contest.

So, what time
you wanna get together later?


So what?
We don't need the chaperone.

Her chaperone can't make it.

Oh, you're not
gonna get disqualified.

So we're not going?

Come on. Hold on one second.

- Hey, what are you doing tonight?
- Nothing.

I'm going out with a Miss America
contestant. You wanna go?

What state?

Rhode Island.

They're never in contention.

How do you know?

Because I've seen every
Miss America pageant since I was 6.

Do you wanna go or not?
I'll buy you dinner.

- Giddyup.
- I think I got someone.

The resemblance is uncanny.

Even the brown eyes.

Well, a lot of people
have brown eyes.

No, there's something else.
An indefinable quality.


Grace, yes.

You think I have grace?

- Some grace, yes.
- Just some?

Well, you don't want too much grace,
or you won't be able to stand.

Oh, Mr. Pitt.

Elaine, I want you to come and work
for me as my personal assistant.

Now, I'll pay you the same
as Pendant...

but I would need you
to start right away.

Hey, Buck.
Talk to you for a second?

Sure, George.

How's everything going?
Everything okay?

Well, all of a sudden, there's a
problem with Tartabull's swing, but...

Listen, Buck, obviously
I don't need to talk to you...

about the importance
of player morale.

But I've been talking
to some of the guys...

I don't wanna mention any names,
but some of them aren't too happy...

with the polyester uniforms.

- How so?
- They get very hot in the polyester.

It's not a natural fiber.

I think they would prefer cotton.

- Cotton, huh?
- Cotton breathes.

See, it's much softer.

Imagine playing games...

and your team is 5 degrees cooler
than the other team.

Don't you think
that would be an advantage?

They're cooler, they're more
comfortable, they're happier...

they're gonna play better.

- You may have something there.
- Oh, I've got something.

Cotton uniforms.


Yeah. And the best part is
I still get to look for work in publishing.

- Now, what is it that you do, exactly?
- I attend to his personal affairs.

Like what?

Well, like tomorrow,
for example, l...

- I have to buy him some socks.
- Really?

- Socks.
- Yeah.

White ones.
The ones you wear with sneakers.

Maybe you could pick me up
some underwear.

So, what do you think?
Does this work?

Listen, tonight,
after we finish eating...

you make like you got
something else to do...

and recede into the night,
if you know what I mean.

No way.

- What?
- If you think I'm gonna step aside...

while you defile this woman,
you're crazy.

I'm not going to defile her.

Right, because I'm gonna see
it doesn't happen.

These girls are
Miss America contestants.

It's every little girl's dream.

I'm not gonna let you
trample that dream...

and make a mockery
of everything the pageant stands for.

No buts.

- Those are my rules.
- Wait a minute.

If you wanna have some good,
wholesome fun with a nice girl...

I'll help you out.
If you're looking for something more...

- you got the wrong guy, buddy.
- It's just...

If you were Miss America...

what would you do to make
the world a better place?

As Miss America...

I would try and bring an end
to world hunger.

If every person sacrificed
one meal a week...

there would be enough
to feed the whole world.

That's a hell of a plan. Listen...

What advice
would you give young people?

All right, Kramer.

This is important. She's gotta be able
to answer these questions.

She's not gonna have time to think
with millions of people watching her.

Any hesitation could cost her
the crown. You know, poise counts.

- You really know a lot about this.
- Yeah, like last year...

Miss Texas
should have won easily.

But she lost points
in the swimsuit competition.

- What could she have done?
- Tape her breasts together.

- What else?
- All right, take you for example.

Now, you're very attractive,
but you got a big waist.

- Hey, come on!
- No, no, no, it's okay.

- Go on.
- Well...

I'd recommend a waist cincher.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah. Just... suck you in.

All right. I'll be right back.

- So, what's your talent?
- Magic.

I'm thinking of a number
from one to 10.


No, five.

But you were close.

And the Yankees take the field.

Is it my imagination or the Yankees
look a little different tonight?

- I can't put my finger on it.
- From what I understand...

they switched to cotton uniforms.

Well, they say it's softer.

Well, it is a natural fiber.

How's your eveningwear?

- Well, I'm wearing this red...
- Stop right there.

- No good?
- Disaster.

- Why?
- Well, you got brown eyes.

- You wanna wear a green dress.
- That makes sense.

Well, here we are.

Kramer, would you consider being my
personal consultant for the pageant?

Okay. But if I'm gonna do this...

we play by my rules
or we don't play at all.

I am in your hands.


Good night, Jerry.

- Kenneth will take you home.
- Yeah.

Oh, shut the **** up.

- Hey.
- Well, if it isn't Mr. Blackwell.

Oh, come on.

And that waist cincher,
that was the topper.

- Oh, you're pooh-poohing?
- Yes, I pooh-pooh.

Well, let me tell you something.

I'm taking this kid to the top.
To the top, Jerry.

We're going for the crown,
and you can't stop her.

- I don't wanna stop her.
- You can't stop her, Jerry!

Oh, I've seen them come and go,
but this kid has got something.

Yeah, so do you.

- Well, did you see it?
- See what?

The uniforms!
Did you see how they played?

Listen to these comments.
"Wade Boggs, 'What a fabric.

Finally, we can breathe.'

Luis Polonia, 'Cotton is king.'

Paul O'Neill, 'l never dreamed
anything could be so soft and fluffy.'"

- Boy, they really sound comfortable.
- Hey, where you going?

- I'm working Atlantic City.
- Really?

Hey, you're not working.
Why don't you come down.

Atlantic City?

Yes. Yes.

I will go to Atlantic City.
I'm in. I'm down.

Maybe Elaine wants to go too.
Let me call her.

She's at Mr. Pitt's.
I think I got the number.

So, what do you think?

- No.
- What...?

- You don't like them?
- No, I don't like them.

- What's wrong?
- They're too tight.

- Too tight?
- There's no elastic.

You need to pull too much.

I think they look good.

They're cutting off the circulation.

All right. I'll take them back.

- Hello?
- Hi, Mr. Pitt. Is Elaine there?

It's for you.


- Hello?
- Hey, Elaine, it's me.

- Jerry.
- Yeah. We're going to Atlantic City.

- Really? When?
- Today. Right now. You in?

One second, one second.
Hang on, hang on.

Excuse me, Mr. Pitt. Would it be
all right if I got the socks tomorrow?

- Tomorrow?
- Yes.

I was hoping
for my new socks today.

- Well, it's just one more day.
- I'm sorry. I must have them today.

I can't go.

- Why not?
- Because I have to return the socks...

- and get different ones.
- Elaine!

I gotta go.


All right, watch me.

Turn. Back.

Head up. Shoulders back.

- Posture. See? Posture.
- Yes, I see. Okay.

All right, let's try
a few more questions. All right?

"lf you were Miss America
and the U.S. was on the brink...

of a nuclear war and the only way
the conflict could be averted...

was if you agreed to sleep
with the enemy's leader...

what would you do?"

Kramer, are these questions
really that important?

Yes, they're important!

If you stumble, if you hesitate,
you can kiss the crown goodbye.

Now, if I told you once, I've told you
a thousand times, poise counts!

It's just as important
as the others.

Swimsuit, eveningwear,
talent, poise!

- Hey. How was the show?
- Good. How was roulette?

I won 50 bucks. This is great.
Too bad Elaine's not here.

Yeah. All she had to do
was buy Mr. Pitt a pair of socks.

- It's good, but...
- But what?

- Ultimately, I don't think they'll stay up.
- No. No, they'll stay up.

For a while, yes,
but not in the long run.

But that's why I got you
the tighter ones.

Forget about those!

- Why do you keep mentioning those?
- What do you want?

I want a decent sock
that's comfortable...

that will stay on my foot!

- What the hell is that?
- I don't know. It sounds like pigeons.

- Well, I can't sleep with that noise.
- Me either.

Is there anything you can do
to shut them up?

Wait a second.

This will scare them off.

- Well, good night, Ollie.
- Good night, Stan.

- What is it?
- My doves. They're dead.

I trained those birds for eight years.

How am I supposed to do
my magic act now?

- How did this happen?
- They like it outside...

so I kept them in a cage
on the terrace...

then I found them dead
in a pool of water.

- But how did this happen?
- It must have been an accident.


This was no accident.

These doves were murdered.

Well, that's it.
She's out of the pageant.

- What? Why? What happened?
- Her birds are dead.

- Birds?
- Yeah, birds.

She's got these trained doves.
She does a magic act.

That was her talent for the pageant.

You know what I think, Jerry? I think
somebody murdered those doves.

Somebody wanted her
out of that contest bad.

Somebody who was
just eaten up with jealousy.

Somebody who couldn't stand to have
the spotlight taken off of them.

What are you looking at?

Oh, that. We...

We had to leave that outside
last night...

because the water
was making the room too cold.


- You killed them.
- No. You don't understand.

It's not what you think.
It was an accident.

Don't think that you've won, because
you haven't. This kid is a fighter.

And if you think I'm gonna let a couple
of dead birds get in our way...

- you're crazy!
- Kramer, you gotta...

What was that all about?

Oh, it was just Kramer. Apparently
I killed Miss Rhode Island's doves...

with the bucket of water
last night.

Ladies and gentlemen,
that was Miss Texas.

Wasn't she wonderful?

And now, continuing with
the talent portion of the competition...

- Okay, this is it.
- How you feeling?

- I'm a little nervous.
- There's nothing to be nervous about.

But I've never sung
before in my life.

And now, let's welcome
Karen Ann Hanson...

Miss Rhode Island.

I heard those doves
were really incredible.

That's a shame.

It's like watching
an animal get tortured.

- Hey, hey. Yankee game.
- Oh, great. All right.

And the Yankees take the field.

What is with the Yankees? They look
like they're having trouble running.

- They. can't move.
- It's their uniforms. They're too tight.

They've shrunk. They're running
like penguins. Forget this game.

Oh, my. God,
Mattingly. just split his pants.

That's a shame.

Poise. Poise.

The Miss America pageant
seems like a really tough contest.

You come out there in the
bathing suit and the dress shoes.

They got that

toilet-seat thing hanging off them,
you know?

Plus, they gotta wear
all the other outfits. I don't know why.

The bathing suit is the contest.

You win the bathing suit, you win.

Everybody looks good in formalwear.
It's dark, it covers everything.

That's why we have weddings in it.

If we had weddings
in bathing suits...

a lot of ceremonies
wouldn't get past:

"lf anyone sees any reason...

why these two people
should not be joined together..."

About 80 hands go up.