Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 5, Episode 5 - The Bris - full transcript

At a hospital, the basic treatment
everybody gets is to lie in a bed.

Whatever's wrong with
a human being, lie down.

Doctor never says, "Well, your
condition isn't as bad as we thought.

We want you to kind of lean against
a doorjamb for seven to 10 days.

See how that feels."

Always a bed. Unless you
go to the emergency room...

then it's a chair. You've been shot,
stabbed, run over:

"Have a seat."

There's always an interesting cultural,
ethnic mix to the hospital staff.

It's like a local news team in there.

The doctor's the anchorman.
He's got white hair, he's in charge.



The nurse is the feature reporter,
you know.

You listen to her, but it's always,
"And now, back to your doctor."

The orderlies come in
with food and bedpans.

That's like your sports and weather.

Then the baby's head comes out,
and I'm screaming.

My brother, who's videotaping,
turns green.

His eyes roll up in his head,
and he blacks out.

He drops the camera,
the camera breaks.

And then the placenta
comes flying out.

- And then a doctor says...
- Hey, thanks. That's enough.

Will you look at that kid. Sucking
away like there's no tomorrow.

Suck, suck, suck.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Look at that, Jerry, look at that.
- Yeah, I looked. I saw it.



- Does this make you uncomfortable?
- No, no.

Uncomfortable? Not at all.

My friend's wife's breasts are out.
Why would I be uncomfortable?

Look at him.

- So how long do they do this?
- Year or two.

No break?

- After that comes the weaning.
- After sucking comes weaning?

- First sucking, then weaning.
- You gotta wean.

- Gotta wean.
- Must wean.

- What about that spot I got, huh?
- Yeah. I saw the spot.

You open the door to the car...

you walk right into the hospital.
You can't beat that spot.

I am on a roll. Yeah.

I'm just willing these
great parking spots.

George.

Maybe the baby would
like to see the spot.

A positive, uplifting message
to start his life out with, huh?

You can still get a great spot
in this city if you apply yourself.

Where's Kramer?
Shouldn't he be here?

- Did you give him the room number?
- Yeah, 1397.

1937.

1937, 1937.

Excuse me. Do you know
where the elevator is?

Yeah, it's right around
the corner there. 1937.

Oh, God!

It's a pig-man.

A pig-man!

So anyway, Jerry, Elaine, we have
something we wanna ask you.

You gotta look. I pulled
it in perfectly equidistant...

- from the car in front and behind.
- Would you shut up, George?

I'm taking a cab home.
I can't take this anymore.

You were saying, Stan.
I'm sorry about this.

Myra and I would like
you and Elaine...

to be the godparents of Steven.

- Me? A godfather?
- Yes.

Never go against the family, Elaine.

What?

Hey, I just saw a pig-man.
A pig-man.

He was sleeping, and then
he woke up and he looked at me...

and he made
this horrible sound, this:

Kramer, what are you talking about?

I'm talking about a pig-man. I walked
in the wrong room, and there he was.

- A pig-man?
- A pig-man. Half pig, half man.

That's great, Kramer.

Anyway, tell us what's involved
in being a godparent.

Elaine, never ask me
about my business.

Godfather?

The most important thing
is you help with the bris.

- The bris?
- A bris?

- You mean, circumcision?
- Yeah.

I would advise against that.

Kramer, it's a tradition.

So was sacrificing virgins
to appease the gods...

- but we don't do that anymore.
- Well, maybe we should.

Hey...

why are all those people
milling around my car?

- I don't know.
- Maybe they're admiring your spot.

- They're looking up.
- Hey, there's a guy up on the roof.

That's the guy I told
where the elevator was.

Oh, God, I hope he doesn't jump...
Oh, my God!

My car!

My car!

A mohel? What the hell is a mohel?

A mohel is the person that
performs a circumcision.

Well, where am I gonna find
a mohel?

Motels, models...

How do you find a mohel?

Finding a mohel's easy.
Any idiot can find a mohel.

I have to hold the baby
while they do it.

That's a tough job.
How would you like that?

Hey, Jerry, you ever seen one?

- Oh, you mean, that wasn't..?
- Yeah.

- No, you?
- Yeah.

What'd you think?

It had no face, no personality.

It was like a Martian.

- But, hey, you know, that's me.
- Hey.

Well, I got the estimate.

It'll cost more to repair the roof
than the car is worth.

I'm going over and seeing
that hospital administrator today.

Someone is gonna pay for this,
and it's not gonna be me!

- Oh, you're screwed.
- I know.

Swan dives from 20 floors up,
lands right on top.

What, do I got a bull's-eye
up there?

He couldn't move over
two feet, huh?

Land on the sidewalk,
it's city property.

Well, I have to interview a mohel.

How about our little Elaine, huh?

Attended the finest schools
on the eastern seaboard...

equestrian competitions,
debutante balls. Look at her now.

Interviewing mohels.

Yeah!

- What's the matter?
- You all right?

Don't ever question my instincts,
because my instincts are honed.

- Look at that. Look, look.
- What now?

"Hospital receives grant
to conduct DNA research.

Government funds genetic research
at area hospital." Yeah, so?

Pig-man, baby, pig-man.

If I have to hear about this pig-man
one more time...

Hey, I'm telling you,
the pig-man is alive.

The government's been experimenting
with pig-men since the '50s.

Just because the hospital's
conducting DNA research...

doesn't mean they're
creating mutant pig-men.

Jerry, will you wake up to reality?
It's a military thing.

They're probably creating
a whole army of pig warriors.

I'll tell you something.
I wish there were pig-men.

Get a few pig-men walking around,
suddenly I'm looking a lot better.

If someone wanted to fix me up, they
could say, "At least he's no pig-man."

Believe me, there'd be plenty
of women going for these pig-men.

Whatever the deformity, there's
always some group attracted to it.

"That little tail really turns me on."

That's just about enough.

- This doesn't interest you?
- Oh, no, it's fascinating...

but could you do me a favor?

Could you tape...

the rest of the "pig-men and the
women who love them" discussion?

And I'll listen to it
the next time I'm here.

I gotta go find a mohel.

You know, you should call that off,
Elaine. It's a barbaric ritual.

Perhaps one day when the pig-men
roam free, it will be stopped, Kramer.

Until then, off with their heads.

- Kramer, isn't it a question of hygiene?
- It's a myth.

Besides, it makes sex
more pleasurable.

Yeah. So how does that help me?

- George, you ever see one?
- Yeah, my roommate in college.

Yeah, what'd you think?

I got used to it.

All right, I wanna see the pig-man.
Show me the pig-man.

Don't worry, I'll show you.
And you'll never be the same.

Maybe he's just a guy
with a nose like this:

A lot of people have a nose like this.
They're not necessarily pig-men.

Believe me, Jerry,
somewhere in this hospital...

the anguished oink of pig-man
cries out for help.

Yeah, well, if I hear
an anguished oink, I'm out of here.

I don't see any pig-men.

I see human, human, human.

- Wait a second.
- What?

Oh, it's George.

The administrator's on the third floor.
I'll meet you at the car.

Wait, George. You got room
in the car for the pig-man, huh?

The pig-man can take the bus.

George, if the pig-man had a car,
he would give you a ride.

How do you know? What if
the pig-man had a two-seater?

Be realistic, George.

I'll tell you what, if pig-man shows up,
we'll squeeze him in.

- I'll see you later.
- Yeah.

- Mr. Costanza, come in, come in.
- Thank you.

It's been a very trying couple of days
around the hospital.

Doctors, patients, everyone...

just grief-stricken over
this unfortunate occurrence.

Well, I join them in their grief.

Horrible thing. Flew right
past the children's wing.

All the sick children in the playroom,
looking out the window...

just traumatized by the incident.

Apparently they thought he was flying.
You know how children are.

"Oh, look, a man is flying.
A man is flying!"

And then splat.

That's where I come in.

On "splat."

You see, Mrs. Sweedler... Or is it
Hospital Administrator Sweedler?

- Mrs. Sweedler is fine.
- Mrs. Sweedler. Thank you very much.

You see, this tragedy
has affected me in a very...

A very personal way.

- How is that?
- Yes, well, you see...

the deceased...

landed on my car.

The splat, as it were, actually
occurred on the roof of my car.

Now, of course,
I can't help but feel that...

had it been a convertible, this whole
tragedy might have been averted.

But I've never really been
the kind of guy to buy a convertible...

what with the baldness
and everything.

Well, I have known bald men
who owned convertibles.

They wore a hat.

Yes, but then everything's all
pulled down, and it's... Anyway.

The damage, unfortunately...

has marred an otherwise
fine automobile...

rendering it virtually undrivable.

Yes, well, that is a shame.

Yes. A shame.
That is exactly how I would put it.

Now, Mrs. Sweedler, with all
due discretion and sensitivity...

and taking in the whole scope
of the situation...

I just can't help but think...

that the hospital is somehow
responsible for compensating...

the other still-living victim of this
horrendous, horrendous tragedy.

- Mr. Costanza.
- Yes.

A man plummeted tragically
to his ultimate demise...

- Yes.
- And you greedily, callously...

want to profit from it?

Well, profit...

I think you'll see from the estimate
that I'm not really profiting that much.

It might be a little high, but...

Get out. Get out now.
Get out of my office!

- Should I just leave..?
- Get out!

This is it.

Wait, excuse me.

What happened to the guy
that was in there before?

- I don't know what you're talking...
- No, you know. He had this:

- He was...
- No.

This doesn't look familiar to you?

- Sir...
- Look, I know what's going on.

The oink, oink.

Yes, if you'll excuse me,
I have some patients...

Listen, you little quack.

There was a half man, half pig in that
room over there. Now, where is he?

- Where is he?!
- Half what?

You know what I mean!
Pork. Sausage.

"That's all, folks."

I think he's been released.

Good.

- He's lying!
- All right, enough of this.

- I gotta go find George.
- All right, you go ahead.

Kramer.

- Where's the mohel?
- He'll be here.

- He's late already.
- Relax.

You'd think you were
getting whacked.

I don't know why he asked me
to be godfather.

We're not close. Because
we're on the softball team...

I'm pitcher, he's catcher, he thinks
we have a special relationship?

I thought pitchers and catchers
had a special rapport.

Maybe in hardball, with all the signals,
but I'm just lobbing it in.

We don't have conferences.

He doesn't come out to the mound
and encourage me.

What about me? I just watched
a few games with her in the stands.

Don't they have friends? They're
level-jumping on our friendship.

Yes, it is level-jumping.

So...

you been to a bris before?

No.

I've been to a few of them.

If you start to get woozy later,
which is quite common...

stay close to me.
I'll get you through it.

I'm a cardiologist. I think I'll manage.

We're not talking about a manicure.

Imagine, this is gonna
be his first memory...

of his parents just standing there
while some stranger...

cuts off a piece of his manhood
and then serves a catered lunch.

- Myra?
- She'll be okay.

- Kramer, what's the matter with you?
- Me?

- Oh, that's the mohel.
- He's here.

It's about time.

- Hi.
- Hello.

- Hello, I'm the mohel.
- Oh, hello.

It's very nice to meet you all.

What was that? Jeez,
it scared the hell out of me!

I mean, my God,
I almost had a heart attack!

Okay, I'm fine, I'm fine. Anyway...

we're here to perform
the mitzvah of the bris.

Is the baby gonna cry like that?
Is that how he cries...

with that loud, sustained, squealing
cry? That could pose a problem.

Do have any control over your child?

This would be the time to exercise it,
when baby is crying...

in that high-pitched squealing tone
that can drive you insane!

- Did you find the place all right?
- Did I find it all right?

Could you send me to
a more dangerous area?

I'm dreading walking back
to the subway...

someone shouldn't smack me
and steal my bag.

Because I'll be lying there, and people
will spit on me and empty my pockets.

I'll be lying in the gutter like a bum,
a dog, a mutt, a mongrel, an animal!

God forbid anybody should
help me or call an ambulance.

That's too much trouble, to pick
up a phone and press a few buttons.

What's the point?

Oh, yeah.

Darling, you see where
that glass is?

See how the glass
is near the edge?

You've got the whole table
to put the glass.

Why you chose the absolute edge so
half the glass is hanging off the table.

You breathe, and it falls over. Then
you've got broken glass on the carpet.

Embedded in the carpet fibers,
deep in the shag, broken glass.

Bits of broken glass
you can never get up.

Can't get it up with a vacuum.

Even on your knees
with a magnifying glass...

you'll never get all the pieces.
You think you got it.

Two years later, you're barefoot...

you step on broken glass
and kill yourself!

Is that what you want? I don't think
that's what you want. Do you?

He's very highly recommended,
so...

You're holding the baby?

- No, no.
- Hello. Who's holding the baby?

- Who's holding the baby?!
- Jerry is. Jerry, do you wanna..?

Yeah. I'm holding the baby.

- Okay, go.
- I'm going. All right, I am. I'm going.

- Don't push me.
- Okay, you sit there.

Now I need the baby.
Bring me the baby.

I need the baby!

- No, I'm not gonna let them.
- What are you doing? Come back!

People, people. Compose yourself.
This is a bris!

We're performing a bris here,
not a burlesque show.

This is not a school play. This is not
a baggy-pants farce. This is a bris!

A sacred, ancient ceremony...

symbolizing the covenant
between God and Abraham.

Or something.

No, don't touch anything.
Don't touch a thing.

I could have been a kosher butcher
like my brother.

The money's good.
It's got a union with benefits.

And cows don't have families.

You make a mistake with a cow,
you move on with your life.

Anyway.

- Hurry up, George. Step on it!
- All right, all right.

That damn mohel!
He circumcised my finger.

- The mohel circumcised my finger.
- You flinched.

Flinched? I did not flinch.
George, did I flinch?

Oh, how would he know?
He blacked out. He fainted.

It was very traumatic.

Last thing I remember was you
flinching. Then everything went black.

Who's got tissues?
I need more tissues.

Look at this thing.
It's my phone finger!

- Careful. You're getting blood all over.
- What about the baby?

The baby's fine. They took him
to the hospital as a precaution.

But look at me.
I'm the one who's hurt!

Will you stop it? You're just
gonna need a few stitches.

A few stitches?
I've never had stitches.

I'll be deformed. I can't live with that.

Goes against my personality.
It's not me.

Hey, look at that.
Boy, are you lucky!

Another great spot
in front of the hospital.

In an emergency yet!
How lucky are you, huh?

Is that unbelievable?
How unbelievable is that, huh?

Come on, give it to me.
Give it to me.

- I've never seen a mohel like that.
- That was a one-in-a-million mohel.

- I said I'm sorry.
- Look at this.

- You'll be okay. I'll see you later, huh?
- Where is he going?

I'm gonna look for a bathroom.

Well, if it isn't Shaky the Mohel.

Nice circumcision, but it's not
supposed to be a finger.

Circumcision was perfect.
That was your fault. You flinched!

Oh, who made you a mohel? You
get your degree from a matchbook?

You see? He flinched again.

Nice. You picked a hell of a mohel!

One more peep, and I'll slice you
like a smoked sturgeon.

- Oh, don't threaten me, butcher boy.
- Butcher boy?

Yeah, what was this?

What was this?
What was this, huh?

Careful, Jerry,
the mohel's got a knife!

Hey, what's going on out here?

You should be ashamed of yourself,
both of you.

- Blood.
- Oh, how's the baby?

- There's nothing wrong with the baby.
- The circumcision went fine.

Thank God the flincher
didn't harm the baby.

I'll get you for this.
This is my business, my life!

No one ruins it for me, no one!

Here's my card.

Get out of my way!

I can't do it.

Look what they did to my boy.
They massacred my boy.

You really do the worst Godfather
I've ever heard. You're not even close.

Oh, that's the flicks.

It's a '76 Chevy Impala.

They stole it right in front
of the hospital.

I saw the guy drive off in it.

Well, he's about 5 feet tall...

hairless...

pink complexion.

Looks like a pig.

Yeah, all right, thank you.
Thank you.

Yeah.

So any word from the pig-man?

- No.
- No.

And he's not a pig-man, is he?

No, he's not. He's just
a fat little mental patient.

Myra. Stan.

- Don't touch him.
- What's the matter?

You're out, Jerry. Out as godfather.
You too, Elaine. You're both out.

- But I didn't do any...
- No buts. We've made up our minds.

We want Kramer. He showed us
how much he cares about Steven.

Don't ever go against the family,
Jerry.

Godfather.

- Godfather.
- Yes.

To me, what's really amazing, that for
every job that there is in the world...

there's someone willing to do it.

Someone goes, "I will stand in
the tunnel breathing exhaust...

watching the cars go by,
making sure everything's okay."

Someone goes, "I will work behind
the elephant with the big shovel."

Doctors go, "Yes, I will
confine myself...

to one particularly objectionable
part of the human body...

all day, every day. I will do it."

I think people that are unemployed
are not really unable to find work...

they're just easily disgusted.

"Yes, I'm starving, and my family
has no clothing or shelter...

but I'm not cleaning that up."