Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 5, Episode 4 - The Sniffing Accountant - full transcript

To me, government...

is basically parents for adults.

Especially the IRS. The IRS is like
Ward and June Cleaver...

and we're all
Wally and the Beaver.

And your accountant
is Eddie Haskell...

showing you all these neat tricks
to get away with stuff.

That's fine, unless you get audited.

Then you don't want some
wise guy in a suit going:

"You have a very
lovely office here, sir."

Because jail is the government's
way of sending you to your room.

And when you meet Whitey
and Lumpy in the joint...



there's really gonna be
something wrong with the Beaver.

- Does he like you?
- What do you think?

- Do you like him?
- Yeah, I like him. Definitely.

I like him a lot.

- So, what's wrong with him?
- Nothing, and I've looked.

Well, I'm sure you'll find something.

- So how'd you meet him?
- In the office.

- So he's a writer?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, big surprise.
- I was sitting on the reception desk.

I was looking pretty hot.

- I was wearing my slingback pumps.
- What are those?

Ask your mother.
You live with her now, don't you?

Anyway...

then this guy comes up to me,
and he starts feeling my jacket...



between his thumb
and forefinger like this.

- So, what'd you do?
- I said, "What do you think?"

And he said, "Gabardine?"

And I said, "Yeah." That was it.

- Just felt your material?
- Yeah. Jake Jarmel.

- Sounds like a cool guy.
- Sounds like a jerk.

Felt your material, come on.

- Jerry, where'd you get that sweater?
- In the back of my closet.

I think that's what the back
of closets are for.

Hey, that's Barry.

Lookit. Barry.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Who is that?
- That's Barry Prophet, our accountant.

I don't know how can you let
this guy handle your money.

Not my money. He handles
Jerry's money. He just does my taxes.

- Barry, how you doing?
- How are you?

- This is my friend George.
- Hey.

What are you doing
in this neighborhood?

Nothing, really.

- You... You eat here?
- Yeah.

- So how's my money?
- Well, it's still green.

- What, do you got a cold?
- No. No.

- Look at that ring.
- Oh, you like that?

Hey, say, where's the bathroom?

Bathroom?
Bathroom's right over there.

Great.

Did you see that?

- See what?
- Yes, I saw that.

- What?
- What was all that sniffing?

- I don't know.
- You don't think..?

Oh, no. Come on, Jerry.

He was definitely sniffing.

I mean, what if..?
This guy's got all my money.

Plus, I got some of Kramer's money
with him.

He can write checks to himself
from my account.

I've known this guy since college.
He doesn't do drugs.

- Then what was all that sniffing?
- Maybe it's the cold weather.

Today's not cold.

All right, I gotta get going.
My parents are expecting me.

Don't forget to wash
your hands before supper.

What do you need
all that ketchup for?

This is my ketchup.

I bought this ketchup...

just so I could have
as much as I want.

So I...
I talked to Phil Kassikoff today.

Phil Kassikoff?

Yeah. You know, my friend,
the bra salesman?

He says they're looking
for somebody...

so I got you an interview
next Friday with his boss.

- Next Friday? What time?
- Two o'clock.

That's my whole afternoon.
I was gonna look for sneakers.

You can look for sneakers
the next day!

He doesn't know anything
about bras.

I know a little.

Besides, what do you
have to know?

Well, it wouldn't hurt to go in
and be able to discuss it intelligently.

Maybe you should take a look
at a few bras.

Where's your bra?
Give him a bra to look at.

I'm not giving him a bra.

- Why not?
- I don't need him looking at my bra.

Fine. He'll go into the interview...

he wouldn't know
what he's talking about.

Do we have to..?

You don't even know
what they're made from.

- They're made from Lycra spandex.
- Get out of here. Lycra spandex?

I think they are made
from Lycra spandex.

- Wanna bet? How much?
- I'm not betting.

- Take a look.
- All right, I'll get a bra.

I don't know what the big problem is
getting a bra.

She doesn't wanna get a bra.

I'm not saying, "Go to the library
and read the history."

But it wouldn't kill you
to know a little bit about it.

All right, it wouldn't kill me.

How long does it take to find a bra?

What's going on in there?

You ask me to get a pair of
underwear, I'm back in two seconds.

You know about the cup sizes
and all?

- They have different cups.
- Yeah, I know about the cups.

You got the A...

the B...

the C...

the D. That's the biggest.

I know the D is the biggest.

I base my whole life on knowing
that the D is the biggest.

- Here. Here's the bra.
- Let me see it.

"One hundred percent
Lycra spandex."

- Let me see.
- I told you.

Here. You think you know
everything.

That's surprising.

All right, what else?

You got the cups in the front...

two loops in the back, all right?

- I guess that's about it.
- I got it. Cups in front, loops in back.

You got ketchup on it.

Sniffing? What do you mean,
sniffing?

- Sniffing. With his nose.
- Jerry, he probably had a cold.

- No, he didn't. I asked him.
- So, what are you saying?

- I don't know. You know, what if..?
- Drugs?

- You think he's on drugs?
- I don't know.

- Jerry...
- All I know is he was sniffing.

- Listen, we went in on a CD together.
- I know.

And Newman gave you money too.

See, I didn't even meet this guy.
We trusted you.

Look, it doesn't necessarily
mean anything yet.

- It just means he was sniffing.
- Well, what else? Was he nervous?

Did he use a lot of slang?
Did he use the word "man"?

No, he didn't use "man."

I mean, when he was leaving,
did he say, "I'm splitting"?

No, but at one point,
he did use the bathroom.

- You think that's a bad sign?
- Yes, that's what they do.

They live in the bathroom.

What are we gonna do?
We're gonna get our money, right?

I don't know.
This sweater really itches me.

- You want it?
- Yeah.

Hello. Hel...

Well, you notice anything?

You have cleaned up
the whole apartment...

and you're making dinner.
You're perfect.

You're a perfect man.

- Did anyone call?
- You got a few messages.

- I wrote them down.
- Where are they?

Let's see, they are...
Here they are.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah. I'll call you back.

Forget that...
Myra had the baby!

Oh, my God. That's wonderful.

- Who called?
- She did.

She did? Oh, that's so great.

- Where do you keep the corkscrew?
- It's in the drawer on the right.

What?

No, it's nothing.

- No, what is it?
- It's nothing.

Tell me.

Well, I was just curious why you
didn't use an exclamation point.

What are you talking about?

Well, see right here? You wrote,
"Myra had the baby."

But you didn't use
an exclamation point.

So?

So it's... Yeah, it's nothing.
Forget it. Forget it.

You know, I just found it curious.

Wait, what's so curious about it?

Well, I mean, if one of your
close friends had a baby...

and I left you a message about it,
I would use an exclamation point.

Well, maybe I don't use
my exclamation points...

as haphazardly as you do.

You don't think
that someone having a baby...

warrants an exclamation point?

Hey, look, I just jotted down
the message.

I didn't know that I was required
to capture the mood of each caller.

Well, I just thought you'd be a little
more excited about a friend of mine...

- having a baby.
- Okay, I'm excited.

I just don't happen to like
exclamation points.

Well, Jake, you should
learn to use them.

Like, the way I'm talking now,
I'd put exclamation points...

on the ends all of these sentences!
On this one! And on that one!

Well, you can put one on this one:

I'm leaving!

- You're out of your mind.
- Why?

It's an exclamation point.

- It's a line with a dot under it.
- Well, I felt it called for one.

"Called for one." I thought
I'd heard of everything.

I never heard of a relationship
being affected by punctuation.

I found it very troubling
that he didn't use one.

George is right.
Didn't take you long.

Anything new with that guy
on drugs?

He's not on drugs.

Then why the sniffing?
Who walks around... sniffing?

All right, here.
You call him right now, okay?

- See if he's sniffing right now.
- Good idea.

- Prophet and Goldstein.
- Yes, Barry Prophet, please.

I'm sorry, he's out of town
this week.

- Out of town?
- Yes. He went to South America.

- South America?
- South America?

I'll call back. Thank you.

- He went to South America.
- Yeah!

So what?

- Who goes to South America?
- People go to South America.

Yeah, and they come back with
things taped to their large intestine.

So because of a few bad apples...

you're gonna impugn
an entire continent?

Yes, I'm impugning a continent.

Well, I say we go and get
our money right now.

- Hey. Hey.
- Hello, Newman.

Hello, Jerry.

So any news?

Yeah, he skipped out
and... went to South America.

South America?!

What kind of snow blower
did you get us mixed up with?

Okay, gentlemen, the fact remains
you still have no proof.

This is all speculation and hearsay.

Wait. There's one way to find out.
We set up a sting.

You know, like Abscam.
Like Abscam, Jerry.

What are you gonna do?

You gonna put on phony beards
and dress up like Arab sheiks...

and sit around
in some hotel room?

- I mean, come on.
- Wait a second.

Maybe there is a way to tempt him
and find out.

If we put our three heads together,
we should come up with something.

- What's today?
- It's Thursday.

Really?

Feels like Tuesday.

Tuesday has no feel.

Monday has a feel.

Friday has a feel.

Sunday has a feel.

- I feel Tuesday and Wednesday.
- Shut up, the both of you.

You're making me nervous.

Where is he already? He should've
been out of work by now.

Hey, this is kind of fun.

Yeah. Maybe we ought to become
private detectives.

Yeah, maybe you should.

- Maybe I will.
- Yeah, me too.

All right, what are you
gonna say to him?

Just gonna find out
if he's interested.

Hey, maybe I should go in with him.

- No, you stay in the car.
- Who made you leader?

All right, Newman. One more peep
out of you, you're out of the operation.

There he is.
He's going into that bar.

All right...

- I'm going in.
- Be careful, Kramer.

I should've gone in with him.

No, you stay here in the car.
I may need you.

What do you need me
in the car for?

I might need you to get me a soda.

I'll have a brewski, Charlie.

The name's Mitch.

Well, there's nothing like a cold one
after a long day, huh?

- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I've been known to drink
a beer or two.

But then again, I've been known
to do a lot of things.

- Cigarette?
- No, no. I never touch them.

Well...

I suck them down like Coca-Cola.

Well...

here's to feeling good
all the time, huh?

Looks like you got yourself
a little cold there, huh, fella?

- I don't think so.
- Me neither.

You should try this new
dental floss, Glide. It's fantastic.

- I use Dentotape.
- You should try this.

- I don't wanna.
- Not even once?

- No.
- You know, you're an idiot.

Why, because I use Dentotape?

Right. Anyone who uses Dentotape
is an idiot.

- South America, huh?
- Yeah, yeah.

That's a burgeoning continent.

Well, they are expanding
their economic base, yeah.

Tell me about it.

Excuse me, I gotta go
to the bathroom.

I'm hip.

- Hip to what?
- To the whole scene.

- What scene?
- The bathroom scene.

Listen, don't take this personally,
but when I come back...

- I'm sitting over there.
- Whatever turns you on.

- No, no, I don't like it.
- What do you mean, you don't like it?

- How could you not like it?
- I like the thick tape.

Hey. What kind of nut are you?

So basically, George,
the job here is quite simple.

Selling bras.

That interests me very much,
Mr. Farkus. Very much indeed, sir.

Have you ever sold
a woman's line before?

No, but...

I have a very good rapport
with women.

Very good. Comfortable.

And from the first time I laid eyes
on a brassiere...

I was enthralled.

Tell me about it.

Well, I was 14 years old...

I was in my friend's bathroom...

his mother's brassiere
was hanging over the shower rod.

I picked it up.

I studied it.

I thought:

"I like this."

I didn't know in what way
or on what level, but I knew...

I wanted to be around brassieres.

That's an incredible story.

You have a remarkable passion
for brassieres.

Well, they're more than just
underwear to me, Mr. Farkus.

Two cups in the front...

two loops in the back...

how do they do it?

Well, I think I can say...

barring some
unforeseen incident...

that you will have a very bright
future here at E.D. Granmont.

Thank you, Mr. Farkus.
Thank you very much indeed, sir.

See you Monday, 9:00.

If you don't mind, sir...

I'll be here at 8.

Excellent.

So long, Mr. Farkus.

- What do you think you're doing?
- Nothing. What?

Farkus, get out here.

Oh, yes, Ms. De Granmont?

Farkus...

who is this perverted little weasel?

This is Costanza,
he's our new bra salesman.

He's supposed to start on Monday.

If he's here on Monday, you're not.

Take your pick.

Get out. I'm terribly sorry,
Ms. De Granmont.

You wanted to see me,
Mr. Lippman?

I was just going over
the Jake Jarmel book...

and I understand you worked
with him very closely on this.

Yes... Yes, I did.

And anyway, I was just reading
your final edit...

and there seems to be an inordinate
number of exclamation points.

Well, I... I felt that the writing lacked
a certain emotion and intensity.

You know, it's...

"It was a damp and chilly afternoon,
so I decided to put on my sweatshirt!"

Right. Well...

You put an exclamation point
after "sweatshirt."

That's correct. I felt that the character
doesn't like to be chilly.

I see.

"I pulled the lever on the machine,
but the Clark bar didn't come out!"

- Again, exclamation point.
- Yeah.

Well, you know how frustrating
that can be...

when you keep putting quarters
and quarters into a machine...

- and... nothing comes out.
- Get rid of the exclamation points.

- Okay, I will.
- I hate exclamation points.

Okay.

Just... I'll...

"Dear Barry, consider this letter...

the termination of our relationship,
effective immediately."

- Exclamation point.
- Right.

You still have no proof.

Elaine, he was sniffing like crazy
around me.

"I will expect all funds in the form
of a cashier's check...

no later than the 18th."

Double exclamation point.

- Will that take care of ours too?
- Yep.

I'll give you yours as soon as
I get my money back.

Want me to mail it?
I'm on my way out.

- Yeah, thanks.
- All right. Be my pleasure.

See you later.

You know, this is...

- Hey, Ralph.
- What's up, fellas?

- That'll be 14.30.
- All right.

- Mushrooms? You got mushrooms.
- Yeah.

- What's the matter, you got a cold?
- No, man.

- Kramer, what is this?
- It's a sweater.

- What is it made out of?
- I don't know. Jerry gave it to me.

- It's mohair, I think.
- Mohair. That figures.

I'm allergic to mohair.

- You mean, you just started sniffing?
- Yeah.

Mohair does it to me every time.

I was wearing that sweater in the
coffee shop when Barry came in.

- Jerry, I was wearing it in the bar.
- The sweater made him sniff.

See? I told you he wasn't
a drug addict.

Oh, no, the letter.

Newman... It's got
exclamation points all over it.

Not to mention the picture of him
on the toilet.

The what?

- After you.
- Thank you.

Get your hands off of me!

Johnny! Johnny!

What do you mean,
you felt her material?

What? With your fingers, like this?

So what? What's so bad about that?

Who goes around
feeling people's material?

What can be gained
by feeling a person's material?

It's insanity.

Whatever happened to, "My,
that's a lovely dress you have on.

May I have this dance?"

You know, you are really lucky
Newman never mailed that letter.

Sorry I'm late. I just came from
a meeting with my lawyer.

- Hey.
- What is this?

It's a letter from your friend
Barry Prophet's lawyer.

He's filing Chapter 11?

What's going on?
Why is he filing Chapter 11?

Bankruptcy.

Bankruptcy. As in, "I've taken
your money and spent it on drugs."

What? I thought it was the sweater.

- What about the money?
- What about the money?

If I had dissolved my relationship
with him...

prior to his filing Chapter 11,
I could've got the money back.

Which I would've done...

if a certain imbecile had been able
to get to a mailbox and mail a letter.

Pair of bear claws, please.

Nice.

- Think so?
- Yeah, what is it?

Half silk, half cotton, half linen.

How can you go wrong?

My accountant actually did...

take a big chunk of money from me
and use it to buy drugs.

The thing that was hardest for me
to comprehend about this...

is the life choice of drug abuse
and accounting.

It makes sense. Why would
an athlete or musician take drugs?

They have an interesting job.

But an accountant? If ever a job
required hallucinogenic support...

this is the job.

That should be the legal defense.

"You're charged with
possession of illegal narcotics."

"But, Your Honor,
I'm an accountant."

Bang. "Case closed.

Bailiff, give this man his peyote
and tequila back for the drive home.

Sorry to bother you, sir.
Terribly sorry."