Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 5, Episode 3 - The Glasses - full transcript

George loses his glasses at the health club.

I stay up late. I'm "night guy."
Night guy wants to stay up late.

What about "Getting up
after five hours' sleep?"

"That's morning guy's problem.

That's not my problem.
I'm night guy.

I stay up as late as I want."

So you get up in the morning,
you're exhausted, groggy.

"Oh, I hate that night guy!"

See, night guy always screws
morning guy.

There's nothing morning guy can do.

The only thing morning guy can do
is oversleep...

so that day guy loses his job
and night guy has no money to go out.

Do you ever spit
on anybody from here?

No. You?


- Do you ever think about it?
- Yeah.

Me too.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Well, I got it.
- You got me the air conditioner?

- What do you think?
- Beautiful.

What air conditioner?

My buddy works in an appliance
store. He got us 30 percent off.

- Is it a good one?
- Good one? It's a Commando 8.

- Commando 8?
- Twelve thousand BTUs.

You hate air conditioning.
You've never had an air conditioner.

- But Amy likes air conditioning.
- Oh, an air conditioner for Amy.

Amy doesn't like the temperature
up here. She's a little hot.

- All right.
- Okay. So...

- I'm gonna measure the window up.
- Yeah.

Yeah. Rock on!

I gotta get out of this city.

So you're tunneling
to the center of the Earth?

I'm at the health club.

And while I'm in the pool,
some guy walks off with my glasses.

Who steals prescription glasses?

- You don't have an old pair?
- I broke them playing basketball.

He was running from a bee.

Now if I wanna see anything,
I gotta wear these.

George, those are prescription

What is there to see
in a health club pool?

There's a lot of change down there.

When I find that guy,
this much I vow:

Those glasses will be returned
to their rightful owner.

We're behind you, Aquaboy.

What kind of a sick, demented person
wants another person's glasses?

Yeah, especially those frames.

You know what you ought to do?
Go see Dwayne at J&T Optical.

He'll give you 30 percent off.

Yeah. Come on.

Hey, he just got me 30 percent off
on an air conditioner.

- Really?
- Retail is for suckers.

- What do I have to do?
- Just mention my name.

- That's it?
- That's it.

What about these?

They look good.
I liked the other one too.

I've liked about five of them.

Well, it's a tough decision.
I have to wear these every day.

- I'm deciding on a new face.
- Come on, George.

Pick a face and go with it.

Now, those look good.
They're very bold.

Yes, they are bold.

Jerry, what do you think?

These women would be good-looking
if they weren't wearing glasses.

Hi there, little doggy.

- Do you mind if I pet your dog?
- It's okay with me.

Hi, little doggy.

You can't have that dog in here.

- You okay? Did he bite you?
- Can you believe that guy?

I'm okay. It's just a nip.

He just walked away.

And once again I'm standing here
like a little man.

Well, not this time.

You! Dog man!

- My leg looks pretty bad.
- I'll take you to the emergency room.

- Okay.
- Hey. Any luck? Did you catch him?

No. No.

- I'll take Elaine to the hospital.
- Good, good. Do that.

- What's the matter?
- Oh, no. Nothing.

What is it?

I can't tell you.

- Jerry, can we go?
- Yeah, yeah. In a second.

- You can't tell me?
- I can't tell you.

- Don't ask.
- I'm asking.

- Jerry, my leg.
- Yeah, here. Take care of it.

Come on, George. What is it?

I saw Amy making out
with your cousin Jeffrey.

- What?
- They were right outside.

- Amy and Jeffrey?
- Yes.

- Are you sure?
- Yes. Positive.

But you can't see.
There's no lenses in those frames.

I know. I was squinting.

Jerry, you just catch up with me.
You can just follow the trail of blood.

We're gonna have to
talk about this later.

Thank you.


Excuse me.
What do you think of these?

We just got those in.
It's a very exciting new frame.

Yes, it is exciting.

This is gonna be my new face.

- Do you have a prescription?
- Yeah.




- What about him?
- You do know Kramer.

- Yes.
- Well, I'm mentioning his name.


Because, you know...

No, I don't know. Look,
I'm gonna need a deposit on these.

Oh, come on. Cousin Jeffrey?

- It's not possible.
- Why not? They could've met.

She loves the park.
He works for the Parks Department.

Jerry, that is so ridiculous.

George didn't even have
his glasses on.

But he was squinting.

So what? Squinting doesn't make
that much of a difference.

Are you kidding?
I've seen him squint.

He can squint his way
down to like 20-30 vision.

Once we drove down from the
Catskills and he lost his glasses.

He squinted his way from Wurtsboro
down to the Tappan Zee Bridge.

He was spotting raccoons
on the road.

- Okay.
- Okay?

That's it?
I don't need a shot?

No shot. Dog bite.

No, I know I wasn't shot.

Do I need a shot?

Not shot. Dog bite.

Woof-woof. Not bang-bang.

- Look at this. The cable's out.
- That's okay.

- We don't have to watch TV.
- No, no. No trouble at all.

It's the principle of the thing.

I like them to know that I know
what's going on...

that they're not getting away
with anything.

I'm on hold.

So, what did you do yesterday?

- Yesterday?
- Yeah.

You remember yesterday.

Beautiful day.
Good day to be out.

- I didn't do anything.
- Well, you must've done something.

- No. Nothing really.
- Didn't go out of the house?

Didn't take a walk
on Columbus Avenue?

- Well, I did go out for a little while.
- Well.

Your day's getting
more interesting already.

Oh, see?

Told me they'd be back in a minute,
and they lied.

- You can't trust anyone.
- No, you can't.

Well, let's cut the bull, sister!

I know about you swapping spit
with somebody on Columbus.

- What are you talking about?
- Look, my friend saw you.

Saw me? With who?

You tell me.

There's nothing to tell.

There isn't?


All right.

Wanna get some pizza?

I had a feeling this was
too good to be true.

- Why?
- There had to be another side to you.

- No, there's no side.
- There is a side, an ugly side.

No, no ugly side.

- Look, I think I'm gonna go.
- Why?

- It's really hot in here.
- So we can still go out on Friday?

Yeah. When are you getting
an air conditioner?

It's coming.
It's a Commando 8, 12,000 BTUs.

It's gonna be like
a meat locker in here.

- I was an idiot for listening to you.
- Hey, I saw what I saw.

Everything was going so well.
She hadn't seen any flaws in me.

- Now she sees a side.
- What side?

- A bad side, an ugly side.
- So what?

I wasn't planning on showing
that side for another six months.

You made me throw off
the whole learning curve.

- Why don't you just ask Jeffrey.
- He'd just deny it.

- There must be some way to find out.
- Amy said nothing happened.

You're taking her word over mine?
I'm your best friend.

But you're blind as a bat.

I was squinting! Remember that
drive from Wurtsboro?

I was spotting those raccoons.

They were mailboxes, you idiot.
I didn't have the heart to tell you.

Hey, look. A dime.

Mercury head.

- You mind?
- No, keep it.

What happened?
You buzzed five minutes ago.

There was a dog in front,
and it spooked me.

- I couldn't come in until he left.
- A little white dog?

- Yeah.
- Snowball?

You're afraid of Snowball?

I'm afraid of dogs now.

He's like a squirrel.

Well, he frightened me.

- Did you get the shot?
- No. He said I didn't need a shot.

You got bit by a strange dog,
and you didn't get a shot?

You think I should have?

Just go back to the optical store...

and ask Dwayne if he knows
the dog's owner.

Good idea. I'm gonna do that.

The AC's on its way.

Pardon me.
I went to see your friend Dwayne.

There was no discount.

- What?
- That's right. No discount.

- Did you mention my name?
- Yes, I mentioned your name.

- And?
- Bupkis.

I don't believe this.
That guy owes me big time.

I got him off sugar!

I'm gonna go down there
with you right now.

All right, let me just grab an apple.

- Kramer, Elaine's afraid of Snowball.
- Little Snowball?

He runs on batteries.

You know, George...

that's an onion.

Yes, it is.

He couldn't tell an apple
from an onion...

and he's your eyewitness.

I saw them making out.
You can believe it.

I don't know what to believe.
Eating onions, spotting dimes.

I don't know what the hell
is going on!

Look, all you gotta do is get Amy
and Jeffrey together somewhere.

- That's it.
- Hey, wait a second.

I'm going over to Jeffrey's tomorrow
to pick up these Paul Simon tickets.

I'm gonna surprise Amy.
All I gotta do is bring her with me.

Then when Jeffrey opens the door,
it's Howdy Doody time.

Right this way, Mr. Doody.

You'll see. I'm right.

- Hey, Dwayney.
- Hello, Kramer.

- What is going on here?
- What are you talking about?

I'm talking about
the 30 percent discount.

Excuse me.

- A man came in here...
- Don't interrupt, they're discounting.

Who said anything
about a discount?

Oh, how quickly we forget.

- You owe me, buddy.
- For what?

- Remember this?
- What are you doing?

You were eating four of those
for breakfast...

and chasing it with a Ring Ding
and two Butterfingers on the train.

- Sound familiar?
- Put that away.

Remember when I found you
at Dinky Doughnuts?

You were all hopped up
on cinnamon swirls!

They wouldn't serve you anymore.

You wouldn't have teeth
if it wasn't for me taking you...

to Joe's fruit stand and stuffing
cantaloupe down your throat.

But so much for gratitude.
Yeah! Yeah!

All right! All right!

I'll give him the discount.
Just put that thing away!

But this squares us.

- Could I just have the name..?
- Out!

We'll see you, Dwayne.

I don't know what to tell you, Elton.

Listen to this. This is not good.
Listen to these symptoms for rabies:

Anxiety. Irritability.

I've got those. I'm irritable.

- Who picked these out?
- I did.

They're ladies' glasses.

All you need is a chain so you can
wear them while playing canasta.

Elaine was supposed to help me.

Hey, I got bit by a dog!

I had to go to the hospital!
I was bleeding to death!

I can't solve every problem you have!

Hey, hey.

I'm sorry. Sorry.

Commando 8 has arrived!

- I'll get the window.
- Twelve thousand BTUs...

of raw cooling power.



That's it?
You don't have to screw it in?

No. Just plug it in,
and the Commando 8 does the rest.

- I'll seal it up later.
- Yeah.

- Just in time for Amy.
- When are you gonna execute that?

Oh, God.
I've got such a headache.

Oh, that's another symptom.

- Of what?
- Rabies.

That's fatal. You don't want that.

I know I don't want it.

I don't need you to tell me
what I don't want...

you stupid hipster doofus!

Hey, hey, what is this?

What's going on here?

I'm sorry, Kramer. I'm sorry.

No, it's all right.

I had a friend who had rabies once.

May I have one of those, madam?

Madam? What are you
calling me madam for?

They're ladies' glasses.

Look, see? It's right here.

"Gloria Vanderbilt Collection."

He sold me ladies' glasses!


I think I'm...
I'm having trouble swallowing.

I... I can't swallow.

She's got rabies,
just like my friend Bob Sacamano.

Look at that, she's delirious.
She's foaming at the mouth!

- Is this gonna hurt?
- Yes, very much.

- What if Jeffrey's not home?
- He'll be home.

Friday night, the big night
on the Nature Channel.

Let me tell you something.

There is no way
cousin Jeffrey's dating Amy.

- He looks like a horse.
- He does look like a horse.

Yeah, he's got a real horse face.

Hey, look at this.

It's the guy with the dog.

Hey! Hey, you, down there!

Remember me?!

I had to get shots
because of your stupid dog!

Who are you calling stupid?

- Hey, should we spit on him?
- No, no. Come on. Let's go down.

The air conditioner!

I think it got the dog!

Oh, boy.

Excuse me. I'm new here.

Would you mind walking me
back to my locker?

Sure, why not.

There you go.

- Hey, that's the guy.
- What guy?

The guy that stole my glasses.

This time I got him!

- Could you pick it up a little?
- Where the hell are we going?

He's getting on a bus. Damn.

Those are nice glasses.

I don't like them.
They pinch my nose.

Is that right?

My friend and I would like
to exchange frames.

Could you put his lenses
in my frames and mine in his?

Yeah, we can do that.

Excuse me one second.

And I'd like a discount.

Why should I?

You're lucky I'm not asking
for a whole refund.

You gave me ladies' frames.

What's that about ladies' frames?

Say, I'm trying to track down that lady
that was in here the other day.

Well, she's trying
to track you down.

Well, I would love to talk with her.

- She lives on 81st Street, right?
- That's Jerry.


You wouldn't happen to know
what apartment he's in?

Yeah, 5A.

Thanks a lot.

- What are we doing here?
- Oh, you'll find out.

I don't know.
You're acting very mysteriously.

Well, I'm very mysterious by nature.

- A lot of women find that attractive.
- I find it annoying.


- Uncle Leo.
- Come on in.

- This is Amy.
- Hello, Amy.

- What are you doing here?
- Jeffrey went out tonight.

Very convenient.

I'm supposed to tape
this nature show for him.

He loves nature, botany, zoology.

You know, his botany teacher from
college stays in close touch with him.

- They became friends.
- Really?

That's pretty rare!

I mean, actual friends!

Like equals.

They have dinner together,

Uncle Leo, did he leave
any tickets here for me?

Oh, yeah. I'll get them.

Thank you.

- What tickets?
- The Paul Simon "Concert in the Park."

- We're going to the concert?
- That's right, lady.

- What a great surprise!
- I thought you'd like that.

So that's why you've been acting
so mysteriously.

Now you know.
That and that alone is the reason.

You know Jeffrey's favorite animal?

The leopard.

- Why is that?
- He likes the spots.

- Oh, here's the tickets.
- Thank you.

Oh, he asked me to give you
a message.

He said that...

he's very sorry,
and he hopes you'll forgive him.

So it's true!
You were making out with him.

What are you talking about?
I don't know Jeffrey.

So this is why
you brought me up here.

Very convincing,
but it's not gonna work this time.

What are you talking about?

All he meant was that he was sorry
that the seats aren't very good.

Wanna get some pizza?

- Boy, these really do pinch the nose.
- Tough luck. A deal's a deal.

Oh, my God. It is them.

I still don't know how you spotted
that dime. I think you planted it.

Plus, I gotta pay that vet bill
for the stupid dog.

I don't know how that guy
got my name.


Boy, these really do pinch.

If I ever find the son of a bitch
that stole my glasses...

When did glasses go from being
this carefully crafted apparatus...

to just this mall impulse item?

"Honey, I'm going out for yogurt
and trifocals. Need anything?"

"Glasses in a about an hour."

"How much?" "Seventy-five bucks."
"Well, here's 72. It's about 75."

What, you're trying to coordinate
with the one-hour photo place?

"Hurry up! Give me the glasses. My
pictures are coming. I need to see!"

Then they have those
Woolworth glasses.

They're there. They're there now.

No exam. You don't have any idea
what's wrong.

And the glasses are made up.
They're ready and waiting.

"Thank you."
You just walk into a wall.