Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 5, Episode 20 - The Hamptons - full transcript

To me the thing about birthday parties...

is that the first and last party
you have are quite similar.

You just kind of sit there.

You're the least excited person
at the party.

You don't even realize
that there is a party.

You don't know what's going on.

Both birthday parties,
people have to help you...

blow out the candles. You don't
even know why you're doing it.

What is this ritual?
What is going on?

It's also the only two birthday parties
where other people have to gather...

your friends together for you.



Sometimes they're not your friends.
They make the judgment.

They bring them in, and they tell you,
"These are your friends.

Tell them, 'Thank you for coming
to my birthday party.'"

These are great. Just great.

Really great. Really, really great.
Don't you think so, Elaine?

Yeah. Really great.

A coffee table book
about coffee tables.

How did you come up
with this idea?

It was there.

Look at this one. It's saying,
"I'm a coffee table.

Put some coffee on me. The hotter
the better. That's what I'm here for."

You know, actually,
I've got some work I've got to do.

How about if the book came
with these little foldout legs...

so the book itself
becomes a coffee table?



That is a great idea.

Really, really great.

And that coffee table is saying,
"Put some coffee on me."

I'd like to put some coffee on her.
Hot, scalding coffee...

right in her face. I swear, this is
like working with a contestant...

from The Price Is Right.

Yeah, that's real interesting.

Listen, tell me
if you think this is funny.

"Men definitely hit the remote
more than women.

Men don't care what's on TV.
Men only care what else is on TV.

Women wanna see what the show is
before they change the channel...

because men hunt
and women nest."

Yeah, it's funny. I don't know.

You don't know?
Come on, that's gold.

- Well, I don't know about gold.
- Oh, that's gold, baby.

- "Baby"? Are you doing George now?
- I was saying "baby" before George.

Don't ask me
any more questions...

about jokes.
It puts pressure on me.

Leonard Christian's gonna be there.

Yeah? Who's he?

A writer from Entertainment Weekly.
I would like to have a good show.

- Danke sch?n, my little dumplings.
- Hi.

- Hey, how about that Toby?
- Yeah, how about her?

She's a package full of energy.

- She's a package full of something.
- And that something is life.

You got to meet her.
She's brimming with positivity.

- Oh, please.
- Hey.

- Are you performing tomorrow?
- Yeah.

Great. I'm gonna bring Toby.

You better laugh.
I'm being reviewed.

- Leonard Christian's gonna be there.
- She's a great laugher.

Yeah. She's a great laugher, Jerry.

"Really, really great."

Want to sit with George?
He's coming with Robin.

- Is that the waitress from the club?
- Yeah.

- Is she bringing her kid too?
- She's got a kid?

You should see George
get along with this kid.

What are you doing under there?
Stop that.

Don't eat that. That's not food.

- He's sucking down Equal packets.
- Do you think 25 kids is too much?

Twenty-five kids
for his birthday party?

Don't put your tongue on the floor.
He's putting his tongue on the floor.

Here, here.
Have some more sugar packets.

So, what about entertainment?

- Should I get Barney?
- No Barney.

- Maybe a clown.
- How about Bozo?

Who's Bozo?

Who's Bozo? Bozo the Clown.
That's who Bozo is.

When I was a kid, Bozo the Clown
was the clown, bar none.

- George.
- With the orange hair...

- the big clown shirt with the ruffles.
- George.

- A TV show, he had cartoons.
- George!

Forget Bozo, George.
Bozo's out.

He's finished. It's over for Bozo.

When I was a kid,
we didn't have these parties...

with catered food
and entertainment.

I remember
my seventh birthday party.

Blow out the candles!
Blow out the candles!

I said blow out the damn candles!

- Stop it, Frank! You're killing him!
- Blow out the candles!

Well, this time,
you can blow out the candles.

No, I have asthma. Ben. Ben!

Hi.

- Hi, Toby.
- How are you doing today?

Fine.

- How are you?
- Oh, I'm great. Just great.

Really great.

- Hey, did you hear about Bob Rosen?
- No.

He's going to Knopf.
He's going to be a vice president.

Knopf? Really?

Boy, that means there's
an opening here for...

senior editor.
Has Lippman hired anyone?

No. I hear he wants
to promote someone in-house.

- Really?
- Maybe it'll be you.

- Well...
- You really deserve it.

- Well...
- I mean, you have experience...

seniority, Lippman really respects
your opinion.

Well...

- Hey, it could be you.
- No.

- No, really.
- Really? You think so?

- Sure.
- Boy, wouldn't that be exciting?

- Stranger things have happened.
- Me, a senior editor. I'd like that.

You shouldn't get your hopes up.

Well, it's a possibility.
Like you said...

stranger things have happened.
Thank you, Elaine. Thank you.

- Hey, Ronnie.
- Hey.

Can I have a club soda?

- Going on tonight?
- Yeah.

- You?
- Yeah.

- You know, Leonard Christian's here.
- I know.

Can I ask you something?
Are my nostrils getting bigger?

- I don't think so.
- Are you sure?

Take a look.
Do they seem a little bigger?

I don't know. I don't know.

Is it possible for nostrils to expand?

- Is this a bit?
- Hey, I don't do bits.

I'm a prop comic.

Damn it. I can't find my water gun.
I can't go on without my water gun.

- Hey, Jerry.
- Hey.

- Well, here's Toby. Jerry.
- This is so exciting.

Look. I have goose bumps. Touch.

Touch them.

- Hey.
- I've never been...

- to a comedy club before.
- Really?

Many restaurants are serving
brewed decaf now too.

- You are so funny.
- You'll have a good time, I swear.

He swears, like he thinks
I don't believe him. I believe you.

- He's so funny.
- What about me?

What about you?

I'm only kidding. You're funny too.

I love to laugh.

- Good.
- So you up next?

Yeah. Why don't you guys
get a good table.

We don't want some jerk
sitting in front of us.

It'll be like, "Hey, big-head,
can you move?

I didn't pay a cover charge
to stare at your bald spot."

- So you have a good show.
- Yeah.

Have a great show. Hey, we'll
make sure it's a great show.

- Okay. Good. I'll see you later.
- Yeah.

He's so great. This is so great.
I'm so excited.

Men definitely hit the remote button
more than women.

- Really, really. That is so true.
- Yes, I... Yeah.

Men don't care what's on TV.

Men only care what else is on TV.

Yes. Right on, right on.

See, women...

Women wanna see what the show is
before they change the channel.

That is so true. Yes, yes.

That's why men hunt
and women nest.

Yeah, anyway... Yeah, all right.

So anyway...
What was I talking about?

- Hey.
- Hey. What's the deal?

I invite you down here,
I have an important show...

- and she heckles me?
- She didn't mean anything.

- What's the matter? Is she crazy?
- She's just enthusiastic, that's all.

- Hey, what is wrong with you?
- Me?

- Nothing's wrong with me.
- You boo me?

You hiss? You didn't stop blathering
throughout the whole set.

Come on. I thought you're a pro.
That's part of the show.

No. Not part of the show.

Booing and hissing
are not part of the show.

You boo puppets.
You hiss villains in silent movies.

That's the way I express myself.

How will you make it
if you can't take it?

- I can take it.
- Let's go.

Hey, man, good set.

- Bozo?
- No.

- B-O-Z-O.
- Sorry. I...

You've never heard
of Bozo the Clown?

No.

- How could you not know?
- I don't know. I just don't.

How can you call yourself a clown
and not know who Bozo is?

Hey, what are you hassling me for?
This is just a gig. It's not my life.

I don't know who Bozo is.
Is he a clown?

What, are you kidding me?

- Well, what is he?
- Yes, he's a clown.

All right. So, what's the big deal?
There's millions of clowns.

- All right, just forget it.
- Forget..? Me? You should forget it.

You're living in the past, man.
You're hung up on some clown...

- from the '60s, man.
- All right.

Very good, very good. All right,
go fold your balloon animals, Eric.

Eric. What kind of name
is that for a clown, huh?

Excuse me. You must be George.

I'm Robin's mother.
You seem like...

- such a lovely young man.
- Well, I do what I can.

Hi, Ma. How's everything?

This is just a wonderful party.

The burgers should be ready
in a minute.

Great, great.

What's that smell?

Smoke?

Smoke.

Everybody, I think I smell
some smoke back here.

Fire! Get out of here!

Get out of my way!

- It was an inferno in there!
- There he is. That's him!

- That's the coward that left us to die.
- Let go.

I was trying to lead the way.

We needed a leader,
someone to lead the way to safety.

But you yelled, "Get out of my way."

Because...

Because...

as the leader, if I die...

then all hope is lost.

Who would lead? The clown?

Instead of castigating me,
you should be thanking me.

What kind of topsy-turvy world
do we live in where heroes...

are cast as villains,
brave men as cowards?

But I saw you push the women
and children...

out of the way in a mad panic.

I saw you knock them down.

And when you ran out,
you left everyone behind.

Seemingly. Seemingly.
To the untrained eye...

I can fully understand
how you got that impression.

What looked like pushing,
what looked like knocking down...

was a safety precaution.
In a fire...

you stay close to the ground.
Am I right? Well...

And when I ran out that door,
I was not leaving anyone behind.

Quite the contrary.
I risked my life...

making sure that exit was clear.

Any other questions?

How do you live with yourself?

It's not easy.

So she doesn't want
to see me anymore.

Did you knock her over too
or just the kids?

No, her too.

And her mother.

- Really? Her mother?
- Yeah.

I may have stepped
on her arm too.

You probably couldn't see
because of the smoke.

Yeah.

But it was somebody's arm.

So you feel "women and children first"
in this day and age...

is somewhat
of an antiquated notion.

To some degree, yeah.

So basically, it's every man, woman,
child and invalid for themselves.

- In a manner of speaking.
- Yeah.

- Well, it's honest.
- Yeah.

She should be commending me
for treating everyone like equals.

Perhaps when she's released
from the burn center...

she'll see things differently.

Perhaps.

So, what was the fire,
just some greasy hamburgers?

Yeah. Eric the clown
put it out with his big shoe.

- By the way, did you see this?
- What's that?

The Leonard Christian
article about my show.

Plus my gig in Miami got canceled.
I bet you it's because of the article.

He really does a number on you.
"Seinfeld froze like a deer...

in the headlights in the face
of incessant heckling."

I should've let her have it.
I held back because of Kramer.

Know what you should do?

- Go to her office and heckle her.
- Right.

All the comedians say, "What if I came
to your work and heckled you?"

- Yeah, that'd be something.
- I'm not kidding. You should do it.

Wouldn't that be the ultimate
comedian's revenge?

- I've always had a fantasy about that.
- Well, go ahead. Do it.

- Why can't I?
- No reason.

You know what?
I think I'm gonna do that.

She came down to where I work.
I'll go down to where she works.

- This is unprecedented.
- There's no precedent, baby.

What, you're using
my "babies" now?

Hey, nice shoes.
Do you wear sandals to work?

It's nice to walk into a room
and get the aroma of feet.

Real conducive
to the work atmosphere.

I'm sure your coworkers like it.

"Hey, let's go eat in Toby's office."

"Great idea.
We can check on her bunions."

You know, I have work to do here.
I'm very busy.

Is this disruptive? You find it hard
to work with someone interrupting?

- How'd you like it if I called security?
- Security?

I don't know how you'll make it
in this business if you can't take it.

You got to be tough.

You know... All right. That's it.

- Get out of my way.
- What's going on?

What's happening here? Toby.

Toby!

- My pinkie toe.
- Toby!

What did you go out there
to heckle her for?

Because she came down the club
and heckled me.

I gave her a taste
of her own medicine.

Oh, yeah! You gave her a taste
of medicine, all right.

- I didn't want her to have an accident.
- What accident?

After he heckled Toby,
she ran out of the building...

and a street sweeper
ran over her foot...

and severed her pinkie toe.

- That's unbelievable.
- Yeah. Then after the ambulance left...

I found the toe.

I put it in a Cracker Jack box with ice
and took off for the hospital.

- You ran?
- No. I jumped on the bus.

I told the driver,
"I got a toe here, buddy. Step on it."

- Holy cow!
- Yeah, yeah.

Then all of a sudden,
this guy pulls out a gun.

Well, I knew any delay's
gonna cost her her pinkie toe...

so I got up, and I started walking
towards him.

He says, "Where do you think
you're going, Cracker Jack?"

I says, "Well, I got a prize
for you, buddy."

- Knocked him out cold.
- How could you do that?

Then everybody is screaming
because the driver's passed out...

because of all the commotion.
The bus is out of control.

So I grab him by the collar,
take him out of the seat...

get behind the wheel.
Now I'm driving the bus.

- You're Batman.
- Yeah. I am Batman.

Then the mugger, he comes to,
and he starts choking me.

So I'm fighting him off
with one hand...

and I kept driving the bus
with the other, you know?

Then I managed to open the door
and kicked him out the door...

with my foot, you know,
at the next stop.

You kept making all the stops?

Well, people kept ringing the bell!

Well, what about the toe?
What happened to the toe?

Well, I am happy to say...

the little guy's back in place
at the end of the line.

You did all this for a pinkie toe?

Well, it's a valuable appendage.

So Kramer found the toe,
and they reattached it.

- Really?
- Yeah. Poor kid.

- What an ordeal.
- And you know...

how extremely sensitive she is.
She's gonna need our full support.

- Yeah, right.
- Look who's here.

- Toby.
- Hey, it's Toby.

Hi. How are you?
How are you feeling?

- I'll be okay.
- Are you sure?

- I think so.
- Toby, what can I do?

- Can I get you something?
- No, thank you.

Toby, please let us help.
We're family.

Well, I could use a cup of coffee.

- She got the promotion?
- Yep.

- Why?
- I'll tell you why.

Because of her pinkie toe,
that's why.

Because Lippman felt so sorry for her,
he didn't want to hurt her feelings.

- Too bad.
- Sure, the pinkie toe is cute...

but I mean, what is it? It's useless.

It does nothing. It's got that little nail
that is just impossible to cut.

- Why do we need it?
- That's the one...

that goes "wee, wee, wee"
all the way home.

- You just shut the...
- Elaine, did you hear the news?

- Toby got promoted.
- Yes, I heard, Kramer.

- I work there, remember?
- You know what she told me?

Her first order of business
is to put my coffee table book...

into the bookstores
as soon as possible.

- Oh, wonderful.
- Throughout this whole thing...

- she always kept smiling.
- Of course. She's deranged.

I went down to the magazine,
pleaded with him to see me again.

He agreed to come down tonight
and write another article.

I heard you went down
to somebody's office...

- and heckled them.
- Damn right.

- We've been lap dogs long enough.
- How could you do that?

Everybody's talking about it.

It's about time one of us
drew a line in the sand.

Jerry, you're like Rosa Parks.

You opened the door for all of us.

I can't wait
until somebody heckles me.

- Well, it won't be long.
- Ladies and gentlemen...

- please welcome Jerry Seinfeld.
- Got to go.

Robin? Robin.

- George, what is it? I'm working.
- Robin, listen to me.

The most amazing thing
has happened.

Kramer has opened my eyes.

I think I've changed.

- What are you talking about?
- Okay.

I mean, Bozo the Clown.

I mean, does he really need
"the Clown" in his title?

As clown. Bozo the Clown.

Are we gonna confuse him with Bozo
the district attorney?

Bozo the pope?
There's no other Bozo.

You'll see. Things will be different now
if you'll just give me one more chance.

Listen, I got to think about this.

- All right, but I'm serious about this.
- All right. Hand it over, man.

That's why men hunt
and women nest.

He's got a gun! He's got a gun!

Get out of the way!

- George.
- What?

- This is Ronnie Kaye.
- The prop comic?

Hi. I didn't...

I didn't recognize you.
What, did you..? You get a haircut?

Nostrils.

George?

Could I have a word?

I was in a hotel, and the back of a door
in the hotel, they have that fire map.

I'm flattered they think
I'll stand in a burning hotel room...

memorizing directions.

I'll go left by the stair,
right by the candy machine.

I'd probably get lost, have to go back
to the room, check the map again.

They always tell you, whatever you do
in a hotel fire, do not panic.

Hey, I've got four minutes to live.
I've never panicked in my life.

It's my option.

Even if they find you,
you have a perfect excuse.

They saved you
swinging from the shower curtain...

naked with the ice bucket
on your head. What happened?

Well, I panicked.
That's understandable.