Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 5, Episode 17 - The Wife - full transcript

I think of all the places
that you go, all the time...

the dry cleaning relationship's
the most bizarre.

You keep giving each other
the same thing...

back and forth over and over again.

He gives it to you, you give it to him,
he gives it back to you.

It's like it's half his shirt, in a way.

He has it as much as you do.

You ought to go shopping with him.
"What do you think of this shirt?"

"That would look good
with a light starch."

The only warning label people
respect is "dry-clean only."

Speed limits, lung cancer,
cigarette warnings...



your very life is at stake.
People go, "Ah, the hell with it."

But dry-clean only?
"Don't put that in the wash.

It's dry-clean only. Are you crazy?"

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- How did you sleep?
- You're on the couch tonight.

- You were all over my side.
- I was not.

I was sleeping
with one cheek off the bed.

By the way, you're falling way behind
on the "I love you's."

- No, no, 12-8.
- No, it's 15-8.

I know I can't beat you.
I'm trying to stay competitive.

- Let's get some breakfast.
- Let me get a coat.

I think I'll try a sports jacket
and scarf thing.

You know,
like an unemployed actor.

I haven't worn this one
in a long time.



- Cashmere?
- No, Gore-Tex.

It's new.

Look at this locket.
What the hell's this?

There's a picture in here.
Look at that.

This is really old.
You don't know whose it is?

I haven't worn this jacket
since I had it dry-cleaned.

- Maybe we should ask.
- We'll stop over there.

- What do you wanna get for breakfast?
- Pancakes.

Come on, you know
I'm getting pancakes.

- I don't know that.
- We can't both get pancakes.

It's embarrassing. That's one step
from the couples that dress alike.

- I'll get the short stack.
- That's why I love you.

15-9.

- How you doing?
- We just got back from breakfast.

- Pancakes were dynamite.
- Is that my maple syrup?

Yeah.

- You bring your own syrup?
- You got to.

You got a lot to learn
about pancakes.

This is my wife.
She died eight years ago.

I've been looking all over for this.

It's lucky that I put the jacket on.
How did it get in the pocket?

The chain is broken. It must have
slipped in when I was...

I turned my house
upside down looking for this.

- It's all I have left of her.
- That's so touching.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna give you and your family
25 percent off your dry cleaning.

- Oh, come on. It's silly.
- Forget it.

- Get out of here.
- It's done.

All right.

I guess I get it too,
because I'm his wife.

I didn't know you were married.

Oh, yeah.

You never met my wife, Meryl.
Meryl Seinfeld.

Yeah, sure.
You get the discount too.

You might regret that.
The money my wife...

- spends on clothes...
- I'm taking him to the cleaners.

See her sense of humor?

I'm so nuts about you.
I tell you, it was fun being single.

But when you meet a woman like this,
you don't walk to get married. You run.

Oh. Hi, Greg.

- Haven't seen you in a while.
- Yeah.

Today was the first day
I've worked out...

since the Central Park
mini-marathon.

- You ran the mini-marathon?
- No, but I exercised that day.

I gotta take off.

As an airline pilot, you're one
of the few people who can...

say that and mean it.

- Do you have the time?
- Eleven-thirty.

- Eleven-thirty?
- Wait, wait, 10:30. Sorry.

- You have to be somewhere?
- No.

- What are you doing?
- Just waiting for my friend George.

We worked out together.

- Well, it's good seeing you.
- Nice to see you too.

Bye.

Would you..?

- Can I..?
- Pardon?

The syrup.
Would you pass the syrup?

Oh, you want to try the syrup.

Can I get you anything else?

Yeah. My wife and I
will have a little more coffee.

- Okay.
- And the check for my husband.

To my beautiful wife.

To my adoring husband.

- Adoring? What about handsome?
- I like adoring.

Yeah, sure. Adoring's good for you.
What's it do for me?

Excuse me.

Where did you get that?

I... Well...

We don't allow
any outside syrups...

jams, or condiments
in the restaurant.

And if I catch you in here
with that again...

I will confiscate it.

Well, I told my wife not to bring it.

Really? Twenty-five percent off?

- Do I get that too?
- No. Just Meryl.

- Why does she get it?
- Because she's my wife.

Yeah?

I tell you, I'm really enjoying
this marriage thing.

You think about each other.
You care about each other.

It's wonderful.
I love saying "My wife."

Once I started saying it,
I can't stop.

"My wife" this, "my wife" that.

It's an amazing way
to begin a sentence.

"My wife has an inner ear infection."

- See?
- I like that.

Will you do me a favor? Will you
take my quilt into the cleaners...

so I can get the discount too?

We'll start doing this now?
I can't be taking...

- all your dry cleaning in.
- Just this one time. It's expensive.

Hey, Elaine.

What do you say, if neither of us
is married in 10 years...

- we get hitched?
- Let's make it 50.

We're engaged.
All right, I'm gonna get my quilt.

All right. Listen to this.

Remember that guy
at the health club?

The flyboy. Where's George?

- I thought he was with you.
- He didn't show up.

Anyway, this guy gave me...

an open-lip kiss.

- So?
- So?

We've always just kind of pecked.

This one had a different dynamic.

- Really?
- Yeah. I mean...

His upper lip landed flush
on my upper lip...

but his lower lip landed
well below my rim.

- Moisture?
- Yeah. Definite moisture.

- That's an open-lip kiss, all right.
- Yeah.

I think he's giving me a big signal.

Maybe he wants
to change our relationship.

Yeah.

- It's George.
- Hey, what happened to you?

Nothing. A little problem.

What was it? I mean, I was waiting.

Can I come upstairs, please?

Maybe he wants to ask me out.

Why are you interested?
He's a jerk.

Because he doesn't pay any
attention to me, and he ignores me.

- Yeah, so?
- I respect that.

What happened?

Nothing, I said it was
a little problem.

Yeah, what was it?

I was in the locker room
showering, and I...

- I had to go, so...
- Here we go.

Anyway, I think the guy
in the shower opposite saw me.

He even gave me a dirty look.

You went...

in the shower?

Yeah, so what?

I'm not the only one.

- Do you go in the shower?
- No, never.

- Do you?
- I take baths.

What was I supposed to do?

Get out of the shower,
put on my bathrobe...

go to the other end,
come all the way back?

Did you ever hear of holding it in?

Oh, no. That's very bad
for the kidneys.

- How do you know?
- Medical journals.

Do the medical journals
mention anything...

about standing in a pool
of someone else's urine?

Hello.

- Oh, hi, honey.
- What are you doing here?

I just thought
I'd drop off a few things.

I must have been in
the incinerator room when you left.

Here you go, Marty.

Another quilt?

- Jerry.
- Uncle Leo.

- Hello.
- Hello.

If you or your wife
want to drop by on Wednesday...

Your wife?

Yeah.

My wife.

What are you talking about?

I got married.

You got married?

I wasn't invited?

Nobody sends me an invitation?

Well, it was sudden.

Are you ashamed of your uncle?
Do I embarrass you?

No, no. It was a small ceremony.

Haven't I always been
the good uncle?

Yes, yes, you have.

Who told you when you went
to school that you print well?

You did.

When he was younger, he had
a beautiful penmanship.

I used to encourage him to print.

- I'm a good printer.
- I remember your "V."

It was like a perfect triangle.

- Oh, there's my bus.
- There you go.

- Hello! Wait!
- Uncle Leo. Uncle...

I'm glad you're here.
This can get really boring.

You know where I can get
some good olives?

- I can find out.
- Would you?

Sure.

Oh, a project.
That's a definite signal.

By the way, you look
really great in that leotard.

Thanks.

That's no signal.
Who wouldn't like me in this leotard?

I look amazing in this leotard.

It's weird. I think I had a dream
about you last night.

Okay, he open-lips me,
he dreams about me...

we have an olive project, that's it.
I'm asking this guy out.

- You know, Greg...
- Can I have a sip of water?

- Yeah, sure.
- Thanks.

Oh, my God.

- I'm sorry. What were you saying?
- It was nothing. Forget it.

See that guy right there?

- Yeah. You mean him?
- Yeah.

I caught him urinating
in the shower.

I'm thinking about
turning him in too.

Honey, could you get me
something to drink?

- You're right there.
- Come on, I'm sitting.

Honey, what did you do
with the can opener?

- I didn't do anything with it.
- It's not here. It was here yesterday.

- It's in the first drawer.
- I'm looking in the first drawer.

- It's not here.
- Yes, it is.

Hey, I'm not stupid.

I'm looking in that drawer.
There's no can opener.

- Did I say you were stupid?
- Well, wouldn't I have to be?

You tell me there's a can opener
in the drawer...

I'm looking,
there's no can opener.

What other conclusion
could one reach?

- You want me to go find it?
- Yes, I do.

You show me where there's
a can opener in that drawer.

Hello. I'm sorry.
I'm just fighting with my wife.

Jerry, we just heard.
What's going on?

Why didn't you tell us?

- Listen, Mom...
- It was in here yesterday.

Yeah. That's what I said.

Who is she?
When did this happened?

I told her you'd get married.

She thought you'd never do it.

- Morty, you're talking too loud.
- I'm not.

- You're hurting my eardrum.
- You must've done something with it.

I'm on the phone.

Is she there? Can we talk to her?
What's her name?

Mom, I'm not married.

- What?
- I'm not married.

I knew it. I told you.

Uncle Leo said.

I'm just pretending I'm married
to get a discount on dry cleaning.

A discount on dry cleaning?

Could you make a little more noise?

I'll have to call you later.

Well, I give up.

Well, whoopee-woo.

- You got any coffee?
- Yeah.

Oh, boy.

I'll get it, I'll get it.

Take it easy. Why are you so tired?

My quilt is still at the cleaners.

Jerry, I can't sleep without my quilt.

The other night I was cold,
so last night...

I turned up the heat, it's too hot.
I opened up a window, it's too cold.

I can't get into the zone.

What is that? That.

I forgot.

I'm sorry about all that
can opener stuff.

Yeah. Me too.

- I love you.
- I love you.

- Well, good night.
- Good night.

They could kick me out
if he tells them.

What do you want me to do?

- Talk to him.
- How can I do that?

You said the guy gave you
an open-lipped kiss.

But then he wiped his hand
on the top of the bottle...

when I offered him water.

That doesn't mean anything.

Are you kidding?
That's very significant.

If he was interested in me,
he'd want my germs.

He'd just crave my germs.

She's right, George.
Bottle-wipe is big.

What about the open-lip kiss?

Bottle-wipe supersedes it.

Yeah, you're right. You're right.

Maybe he's not interested,
but you still know him.

- Can't you just ask him?
- George.

But if I ask him now...

I will have no chance
of going out with him.

Why?

I don't know.

Could it be because
you don't want him to know...

that your friend
pees in the shower?

- That's not it.
- I think it is.

- That's exactly what it is.
- Why couldn't you wait?

I was there. I saw a drain.

- Since when is a drain a toilet?
- It's all pipes.

- What's the difference?
- Different pipes go to different places.

- You're gonna mix them up.
- I'll call a plumber right now.

- Can we just drop the pee-pipes stuff?
- Okay.

Okay, okay, I will talk to him.

- Jerry, I think that quilt is ready.
- All right.

- You gotta pick it up.
- I'll pick it up.

- But it's the last time I'm doing it.
- I'm so tired.

- You don't look good.
- Huh? I don't?

- No. You look pale.
- Pale?

Oh, my God.
I gotta meet Anna's parents today.

Hello? Hi, honey.

Yes, I told him.

I'll get it.

Whenever.

Okay.

Okay, I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry. It's not ready yet.
- Not ready?

It has to be ready. What kind
of a business are you running here?

Who the hell are you?
It's not your quilt.

He's a good friend of mine.
He's like an older brother to me.

When things don't go right,
he takes it personally.

- Maybe tomorrow.
- Maybe.

It's okay. It'll be okay.

- I'll see you later.
- Where you going?

I gotta meet Anna's parents,
remember? I look terrible.

I'm gonna hit
the tanning machines.

I can't believe you still do that.
It's bad for you.

That's how I maintain my glow.

- I'm going home.
- Yeah.

- Excuse me.
- Yeah?

How much would it cost
to clean this?

- Oh, about $13.
- Thirteen?

Well, I can't afford that.

Well, I'm sorry.

- Hi, Greg.
- Hey, Elaine. I'll be off in a second.

Okay.

I got the machine next, buddy.

It's all yours.

What happened?
Did he bring it up?

Never mind that.
Look at the signal I just got.

Signal? What signal?

He knew I'd use it next.
He didn't wipe his sweat off.

That's a gesture of intimacy.

I'll tell you what that is.

That's a violation of club rules.

- Now I got him. You're my witness.
- Wait a second, George. Listen.

He knew what he was doing.
This was a signal.

- A guy leaves sweat, that's a signal?
- Yes. It's a social thing.

If he left a used Kleenex,
what's that, a valentine?

You tell him if he's thinking
of turning me in...

- that I got the goods on him.
- No. I won't be a party to this.

So you're gonna let me get suspended
for shower urination?

Okay, I'll talk to him...

but you're putting me
in very a difficult position.

- I can't let you do this.
- I want to.

- But it isn't right. I can't.
- Give me the clothes.

Jerry, please.

- What about her?
- Oh, the hell with her.

I can't.

No, Jerry, please.

I'm not gonna let you
walk out of my life.

I can't fight you.

Do you want box or hanger?

You decide.

You're really working up
quite a sweat today.

Yeah.

Oh, there's the manager.

Good. I think I'm gonna
talk to her about that guy.

We can't have people like that here.

- Are you sure you wanna do that?
- Yeah. He's disgusting.

Besides, I'll take
any chance I can to talk to her.

- You're interested in her?
- Very.

You know, I'm engaged.

Yep, I'm getting married in 50 years.

Oh, good, there he is.

I wanna be able to point him out.

You know, Greg,
I wouldn't do that if I were you.

- Why?
- Well, correct me if I'm wrong...

but isn't it a violation
of club policy...

to not wipe down a machine
after using it?

Oh, I see.

You're friends with the urinator,
aren't you?

Yeah, well...

at least he had a drain.

There you go, Mrs. Seinfeld.

With your 25 percent discount,
it comes to $17.80.

Here you go.

Excuse me, this isn't mine.

Oh, yes, it is.

Your husband brought it in himself.

Really?

Thank you.

That's him.

Hi.

You son of a bitch.

- I'm sorry.
- Who is she?

- I want to know who she is.
- It doesn't matter.

I want a divorce.

A divorce?

So you can marry her
and give her the discount?

Yes, that's right.

- What happened to us, Jerry?
- I'll tell you what happened.

We got married.

I'm sorry. This is my fault.
I pushed it on you.

No. I guess I just wasn't ready
for the responsibilities...

of a pretend marriage.

Goodbye, Jerry.

I forgot.

This is your maple syrup.

It's all right, I want you to have it.

Okay, thanks.

We'll always have pancakes.

Goodbye, Jerry.

I thought you said
you was bringing a white boy home.

I don't see a white boy.

I see a damn fool.

To me, the thing about marriage is...

I can't believe
how often it happens.

I like the idea of it, but I can't believe
that many people...

are meeting people that they want
to see every single day...

every day, every day,
every day, every day.

That should happen,
like, three or four times...

you know, in the whole century.

Like any major investment,
you sign a marriage contract.

Here's your person.
If you're a man, the bride's family...

pays for the wedding,
like getting cash back.

"Till death do us part" that's
the extended warranty program.

You give her the ring,
that's the keys.

You slide it on, start him up,
but you've got to make it work.

Your value drops 20 percent when
you drive each other off the lot.