Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 5, Episode 16 - The Stand-In - full transcript

The bus is the single
stupidest, fattest...

slowest, most despised vehicle
on the road, isn't it?

Ever notice when you get behind
a bus, people go:

"What are you doing?
Get away. Come on."

The back of the bus,
it's like an eclipse, isn't it?

People are just like,
"The sun. Where is the sun?"

It's like this huge metal ass...

just taking up the whole
windshield of your car.

When it pulls out, it even sounds like
a fat uncle trying to get out of a sofa.

- It's just not good. It's not good.
- It's not good.

I'm bored. She's boring, I'm boring.
We're both boring.



We go out to eat,
read newspapers.

- At breakfast, everybody reads.
- No, lunch, we read.

- Dinner, we read.
- You read during lunch?

- Yeah.
- Oh, well.

- Nothing to talk about.
- What's there to talk about?

At least we're talking about
how there's nothing.

Talk with her about how
there's nothing.

She knows there's nothing.

- At least she'll be talking.
- Oh, shut up.

- Hey, look who's here.
- Hey, Al.

- Hey, Al. How's it going?
- Deeply in love.

We have so many things
to talk about.

Sometimes, we'll talk all night...

till the sun comes up.



- So how about you?
- Oh, I'm seeing someone, yes.

- You know her. Daphne Bauer.
- Great girl.

We have no need to speak.

We communicate
with deep, soulful looks.

Like Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower.

- Did you hear about Fulton?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I went by the hospital
to see him a few days ago.

Think he'd really like you to visit.

- Me?
- Yeah.

- Said he could use a good laugh.
- What about me?

He didn't mention you.

This is my stop.

- See you.
- Yeah, see you.

"Deeply in love."

You can't say something bad
about relationships...

you shouldn't say anything at all.

I didn't know
Fulton was in the hospital.

"Could use a good laugh."

You know what pressure that is?

Come on, come with me.

I'm not good in these situations.

I... I can't hide my pity.

I... I make them feel worse.

- Oh, stop it.
- Also, I'm afraid...

that people in that state are finally
gonna tell me what they really think.

They got nothing to lose.
What do they care?

- So you're not gonna come?
- No, but say hello for me.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hey, Mick.
- Hey, Jerry.

- What's doing?
- Nothing. You?

Same old, same old.

George, this is Mickey.

- Hi. Nice to meet you.
- Pleasure.

- How's work going, you guys?
- Let's not talk about it.

- You got a job?
- Yeah. Mickey hooked me up.

We're stand-ins for the actors
on All My Children.

Mickey's a stand-in
for an 8-year-old kid...

and I stand in for the kid's father.

But I got a big problem.

The kid I stand in for, he's growing.

He was 4 feet last month.

Now he's like 4'2" and a half.

He shot up 2 and a half inches.

I can do 4'2 ", 4'3" is a stretch.

Any higher,
I'm gonna be out on my ass...

doing that paralegal crap.

How do you stop a kid from growing?

I told you, you should offer him
some cigarettes.

I offered him cigarettes...

but his stupid mother's
always hanging around.

She won't let him have any.

- What about lifts?
- Out of the question.

Can't you just switch
with another midget?

It's "little people."

- You got that?
- Easy, Mickey. Easy.

Yeah.

We gotta get back to the show.
What are you guys doing?

- Going to the hospital to visit Fulton.
- Well, say hello for me.

Now, look. We're gonna stop
at the shoemaker right now.

You gotta get some lifts
for your shoes.

Lifts? Kramer, you don't understand.
This kind of thing is just not done.

- You wanna keep your job?
- Yeah, but...

- No buts.
- Kramer...

Hey.

Fulton!

It's me.

Hey, Jerry. Good to see you.

- I could use a good laugh.
- Who couldn't?

- I haven't cracked a smile in months.
- Oh, don't worry. You'll crack.

Cracking's inevitable.

First you crack, then you chuckle.

That was the Russians' motto
at the Siege of Leningrad:

First you crack, then you chuckle.

You know, because Leningrad...

when the Nazis attacked,
it wasn't a very happy time.

Because of the war.

Famine.

Plus, it was cold. Very cold.

They were eating each other.

Maybe this isn't a good time
for a visit.

No, it's a fine time.

All right. There's a priest, a minister
and a rabbi, and they're all skydiving.

So how are the eggs?

Eggs are eggs.

Eggs are eggs.

That is very profound.

By the same token,
could you say, "Fish is fish"?

I don't think so.

- Listen, Daphne...
- Daphne.

Daphne.

I have to tell you something.
This is very difficult...

Oh, I forgot to tell you.

Al Nechy called me today.

Yeah. I bumped into him on the bus.
What did he have to say?

He told me not to get involved with you.

- What?
- Yeah.

He said you could never make
a commitment...

and you'd just wind up hurting me.

He said that?

What a nerve.

How dare he say something like that.

- Is it true?
- Of course not.

I mean, sure, there may have been
one or two occasions in the past...

when I may have reacted...

in an impulsive
or somewhat immature manner...

but those days are well behind me.

How long are you gonna be
away for, Daddy?

I'm not really going away.

I told you,
I'll be back every other weekend.

Don't go, Daddy. Don't go.

Now, Porter...

you know your mother and I
love you very much...

but...

sometimes people fall out of love.

Now, give me a big hug.

And there's your scene.

- Stand-ins?
- Yo.

All right, you guys. Get on their spots.
We gotta fix the lights.

That's good work.

All right. Ready.

How long you gonna be
away for, Daddy?

I'm not really going away.

I told you
I'd be back every other weekend.

Don't go, Daddy. Don't go.

Now, listen, Porter.

You know your mother and I
love you very much...

but sometimes
people fall out of love.

Now, give me a big hug.

All right. Kramer.

Kramer.

Okay, that's lunch, everybody.
One hour.

- How do those lifts feel?
- Quiet.

- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Tammy.

You look different.

- Have you been working out?
- Not that I know of.

Whatever it is, keep doing it.
You look great.

- How about lunch?
- Oh, I can't today...

but I see it in our future.

- See you, Kramer.
- Yeah.

Bye, Mickey.

- Oh, she likes you, buddy.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

- All of a sudden.
- What?

Hey, Mick.

- How you doing, Johnny?
- What gives? What's going on?

- You going out with Tammy?
- Maybe.

What's it to you?

There's something different
about you.

- I got my hair cut, that's all.
- No, that's not it. Something else.

Yeah. You look different.

You don't. You got the same ugly mug
you had since the day I met you.

I don't know what it is,
but I'll find out.

I'll find out.

Don't believe him.

So she's just sitting there,
and then Pachyderm...

You remember the 'Derm.
He says, "I'm gonna go up to her."

So he picks up
the two pieces of pizza and...

And they're steaming hot.

They're burning his hands,
so he's juggling.

He's throwing them in the air.

And just as he gets up to her,
down they go.

Well, we all just lost it.

It was really, really funny.

- Hey, Jerry.
- Hey, Phil. How you doing?

- You look terrific.
- I got my health.

Well, that's the most important thing.

Hey, how you doing, Fulton?

Octane, butane, night train!

- How's he doing?
- He could use a couple laughs.

You should've told the story
about Pachyderm dropping the pizza.

I told it. Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Hey, you know what?
As I was leaving, I saw Phil Tatola.

He is one of the greatest guys.

- Do I know him?
- No. But of all the guys I know...

I could envision you
going out with him.

If you were a woman,
would you go out with him?

If I was a woman, I'd be at the dock
waiting for the fleet to come in.

Yeah, I bet you would.
All right, give him my number.

All right.

This, you're not gonna believe.

Al Nechy, that pimple...

tells Daphne... Now, get this.

Not to get involved with me.

- What?
- Yeah. That's what she told me.

- Why?
- He's afraid that she's gonna get hurt.

- Is she?
- Of course.

- So?
- What? He doesn't have to tell her.

- Maybe he likes her.
- Oh, no, no. He's deeply in love.

I was about to break up with her
when she told me.

- So, what are you gonna do?
- I can't break up with her now.

- Why?
- Because he said I was going to.

So now you're gonna keep
going out with her for spite?

- Yes. I am.
- Yeah, I could see that.

- I don't see any way around it.
- Me either.

- What choice do I have?
- None.

Fulton's wife told me
it's all my fault.

She said since my visit,
he's taken a turn for the worse.

- Did you tell him the Pachyderm story?
- Yeah, I told him the Pachyderm story.

Maybe I'll go over there.

- Towards what end?
- I'm very good with sick people.

They love me.

When my friend
Len Nickidimo had gout...

I was in his hospital room
for three days.

The doctors were amazed
at his recovery.

- Hey.
- Hey, Mick.

Johnny Viggiano went through
my locker.

That little bastard.

He saw the lifts in my shoes.

He knows I'm heightening.

This never would've happened
if you didn't push me to get those.

- I told you.
- Nobody put a gun to your head.

Yeah. Just keep out
of my business, you big ape.

Who you calling "big ape"?

I'm calling you an ape.

All right, break it up.
Come on, you two.

Just cut it out now.

Yeah.

Behave yourselves.

- I'm sorry, Kramer.
- No, it's all right, it's all right.

You're stressed out.

Why does this Johnny
have it in for you?

He's always been jealous of me.

I always got to stand in
for the bigger stars.

The Cosby kids, Ricky Schroder,
Macaulay Culkin.

- What's he like?
- He's a good kid.

- Yeah?
- What does he care if you put lifts in?

You don't understand.

There's an unwritten code
about this.

I could be ostracized.

I remember when I was a kid,
some guy tried to heighten.

He lost his job,
lost his friends, everything.

I knew I was crazy to try
this kind of thing...

but I was so desperate.

What is this kid taking, anyway?

Hormones? Steroids?

Would you tell me?

Well, here we are.

George, tomorrow's Sunday.

We could sleep late
and get the paper...

and have breakfast
and spend the morning together...

go for a long walk,
maybe do a little shopping...

- have lunch...
- You know what? I...

I don't think I'm gonna be able
to stay over tonight.

- Why not?
- Yeah, I really should go home.

Actually, I'm planning on spending
the day with my father.

We're...

We're going to a father-son picnic,
just the two of us.

I thought we were gonna spend
the day together.

Well, Dad's been planning this
for such a long time.

He bought a new blanket.

And he got that game with the foam
paddles and the Velcro ball.

Have you given any more thought
to what we talked about?

You know, moving in?

Yes. Oh, yes. Very much.

Maybe you don't wanna move in.

No, no, I do. You know, it's just...

Maybe Al Nechy was right. Maybe
I shouldn't have gotten involved.

No, he's not right.

Al Nechy is not right.

All right, I'm canceling
the father-son picnic.

I don't know what he's gonna do
with all that potato salad.

So then Pachyderm picks up
the two pieces of pizza.

And mind you, now,
they're burning hot.

He can barely hold them.

He's trying to, like, juggle the pizza.

You know. I mean...

- And then they go flying...
- I'm gonna pee my pants.

They go flying out of his hands.

And one lands on her face,
and the other lands on his face.

I mean, the whole place went crazy.

- Oh, what a story.
- Oh, God. I know. I know.

That is one of the funniest stories...

- I've ever heard.
- I know.

Well, this has been
one hell of a night.

I'm sorry Jerry didn't
suggest this sooner.

You know...

you really are beautiful, Elaine.

Well...

- Good night.
- Good night?

Well...

Come on, Adrian.
Give me another chance.

I know I can cheer Fulton up.

I'll tell you what. I'll do my act.

No, new material.

He's never heard it.

He'll love it. I just did it
at the Concorde last week. It killed.

Thank you. Thanks...
You will not regret this.

Okay. Bye. Hey.

Hello.

So?

- What?
- Come on, how was your date?

Oh, the date.

The date.

- Yeah. How was it?
- Interesting.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

- Why? What happened?
- Let's see.

How shall I put this?

Well, just put it.

He took it out.

He what?

He took...

it out.

He took what out?

It.

He took it out?

Yes, sirree, Bob.

- He couldn't.
- He did.

You were involved
in some sort of amorous...

No.

- You mean, he just..?
- Yes.

- Are you sure?
- Oh, quite.

There was no mistaking it?

Jerry.

So you were talking, you're having
a pleasant conversation...

- and then all of a sudden...
- Yeah.

- It.
- It.

- Out.
- Out.

Well, I can't believe this. I know Phil.

He's a good friend.
We play softball together.

- How could this be?
- Oh, it be.

Have you got any other friends
you wanna set me up with?

Hey.

Hey, how was your date
with Phil Tatola?

He took it out.

Well, maybe it needed some air.

You know, sometimes they need air.
They can't breathe in there.

It's inhuman.

So she's just sitting there,
she's having a pleasant conversation...

- and all of a sudden...
- It.

- It.
- Out.

I spend time trying to get
their clothes off...

I never thought of taking mine off.

Hey, get out of here.
Daphne's gonna be here.

All right, I'm going.

You know what I've come to realize?

I'm not just bored.

I genuinely dislike her.

Well, how long are you gonna
keep this up?

Hey, I'll get married if I have to.

Al Nechy will think twice before
he opens his mouth about me again.

George, they're doing
wonderful things...

at mental institutions these days.

I'd be happy to set up
a meet-and-greet.

I'm very disappointed
to hear you talk like that.

- Still don't know what makes me tick.
- Yes, I do.

- What are you doing?
- I'm going to see Fulton.

I'm not even saying hello.
I'm going right into material.

- Hey, Jer.
- Oh, hey, Phil.

I'm sorry things
didn't work out with Elaine.

I don't know what I did wrong.

Well, you showed her who you are.

Oh, look at this.

What, she's gotta
breast-feed in public?

Yeah, that's the last thing
you wanna see.

Well, next to last.

- Look, I'll see you.
- Yeah, take it easy.

Dr. Callahan. Dr. Callahan.

Hey, how you doing?
Good to be here.

- Rock, paper, scissors. Match.
- Rock, paper, scissors. Match.

All right. Rock beats paper.

I thought paper covered rock.

No. Rock flies right through paper.

Well, what beats rock?

Nothing beats rock.

All right, come on.

Rock, paper, scissors. Match.

- Rock.
- Rock.

Rock, paper, scissors. Match.

- Rock.
- Rock.

Hey, Bob. Hey, what's with you?

You got a problem?

- You see that look he gave me?
- Come on. Here. Ready?

Rock, paper, scissors. Match.

- Rock.
- Rock.

- Hey, Tammy.
- Hello.

So, Tammy, finally,
today's our big lunch.

- I don't think so.
- Why not?

- What the hell are you talking about?
- Look, Mickey.

Everybody knows
that you're heightening.

It's all over the set.

- Wait. Wait...
- Don't touch me.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

All the progress we've made
over the years...

and you blow it
with a stupid stunt like that.

Wait a second. Wait a second.
You got me all wrong.

It was all because of the kid.

The kid was growing.

He shot up 2 and a half inches
in a month.

I would've lost my job.

Any one of you would've
done the same.

You got no right.

I'm Mickey Abbot.

I stood in for Punky Brewster
when all of you was nothing.

It's all his fault.

It was his idea.

Come on, Johnny.
Let's go get something to eat.

Mickey.

- This guy's belching up vitamins.
- Stop.

And this whole Justice League...

Batman, Green Lantern,
Wonder Woman.

You mean to tell me Superman
can't cover everything?

- Stop.
- For crying out loud, he's Superman.

Fulton?

Fulton?

George, first let me just say
that I've never been with a guy...

who was so committed to commit.

I mean, it's so rare
in men these days...

and that's what makes this
all the more difficult.

Difficult?

The other day after work,
some girlfriends and I went to a bar...

for some drinks,
and there was this crazy mishap...

and I wound up meeting someone
as a result.

George.

Please don't.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm afraid the worst of it is
it's someone you know.

Jerry Persach.

Pachyderm?

He was carrying
these two pieces of pizza...