Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 5, Episode 15 - The Pie - full transcript

Jerry is more than a little puzzled when his new girlfriend, Audrey, refuses to share a piece of apple pie with him. He's determined to find out why. When he goes to her favorite restaurant the chef, Poppie, promises them a special dinner. When Jerry sees that Poppie fails to wash his hands after going to the restroom, he faces his own dilemma. George comes across a new suit that he's told will go on sale in a few days. He goes out of his way to make sure it's still there when the sale starts. Elaine is taken aback when she sees a store mannequin that looks just like her. Kramer finds the perfect solution for a back itch.

Aren't mannequins kind of an insult
to your imagination?

You couldn't visualize a sweater...

so we'll show you on this
life-size, snotty puppet.

When they're finished
they become crash-test dummies.

The end of the line
for a mannequin.

"Whatever happened to Bob?"

"Have you seen that
new Volvo commercial?

He's got a bull's-eye
right in his face."

Mannequins are only used
for car accidents and fashion...

two situations that it's impossible
for us to imagine ourselves:

Well-dressed or getting killed.

I'm sure some
pro-mannequin organization...

doesn't like
the term "mannequin."

"Hey, they're not mannequins.
They're the life-deprived."

- That was really good.
- Yeah. Are you full?

Oh, no. I've had just enough.

Ah, here we go. Apple pie.

Best apple pie in the city.


I'm not waiting for you.

Take some.

- No, thanks.
- You're not gonna have any?

- No.
- Do you not like apple pie?

- No. It's not that.
- Well, at least taste it.


- You won't even taste it?
- No.

Come on, try it.

A little taste.

Come on.

She wouldn't so much as taste it.

- Did she say why?
- No.

She just kept shaking
her head like this:

- Maybe she's diabetic.
- No.

She carries Entenmanns doughnuts
in her purse.

Maybe you said something
that offended her.

I told her we should have moving
walkways all over city.

- Like at the airport?
- Yeah.

- That's a great idea.
- Tell me about it.

- We could be zipping everywhere.
- They could at least try it.

- They never try.
- What's the harm?

No harm!

I'm sorry. There's no reason
for her not to taste that pie.

- Who wouldn't taste the pie?
- Audrey.

Dump her.

I never broke up with anyone
for not tasting pie.

I once broke up with someone
for not offering me pie.

- You did?
- He could be eating a hero...

he wouldn't offer me anything.
It's a sickness.

Well, I can't walk anywhere now.

I'm just gonna be wishing
there were walkways.

- What are you doing?
- I got a pebble.

I never heard of that
happening to a woman.

What the hell does that mean?

Hey. Oh, hey, Elaine.

- What?
- Go like this:

- What? Why?
- Do it, do it.

- Like this:
- Like...

- like this?
- Oh, yeah!

It's you!

- What's me?
- There's a clothing store downtown.

They got a mannequin in there
that looks exactly like Elaine.

- Get out!
- It's uncanny!

It's like they chopped off your arms
and legs, dipped you in plastic...

screwed you all back together,
and stuck you on a pedestal.

It's really quite exquisite.

- What's the name of the store?
- Rinitze.

Oh, yeah.

May I help you?

It's this itch. I was watching TV
without my shirt on...

and my couch cushion
didn't have any fabric on it.

Wait a minute. Rinitze. Don't they
have some really cool suits in there?

Real boss.

- I'm going down there.
- I'll go with you.

I gotta get a new suit. I got a second
interview with MacKenzie.

I think I'm really close.
They're taking me to lunch on Friday.

- Aren't you gonna need this?
- Keep it.

It looks exactly like me.

It's like some pod landed from
another planet and took your body.

Don't fall asleep, Elaine.

What's going on?
How do you think this happened?

Whoa, look at this.

This is a beautiful suit, huh?

You think that could be a coincidence,
George? Is that possible?

You are perfect for that suit.

You think so?

Excuse me.
Where did this come from?

I don't know.

You really think this looks
okay on me?

Fabulous. Perfect fit.
And it's the last one we have.

I'm sorry. You can't tell me
where the mannequin came from?

I told you. I don't know.

Well, is there somebody around here
I could talk to who would know?


Isn't it obvious? This mannequin
looks exactly like me.

Did you just roll your eyes at him?

If anybody should be
rolling their eyes...

it is me at him about you.

I think maybe
you're flattering yourself.

That mannequin is wearing
a $1200 Gaultier dress.

What are you saying, that I'm not
good enough for this hideous dress?

Listen, Natasha...

I wouldn't be caught dead...

wearing your crummy
little Eurotrash rags.

I'll meet you outside.

- What is her problem?
- What can you do?

Is this the price tag?

- Yes.
- Yes, hello. Party's over.

I'll tell you a little secret.
We're having an unadvertised sale...

starting Friday.
That suit will be half-price.

You think you could put it
aside and hold it for me?

I'm afraid I couldn't do that.

It wouldn't be fair
to the other customers.

Oh, yes, of course.

And we have to be fair.


I found out who supplies
the mannequins and I called him up.

- How did they get your face?
- I don't know, they wouldn't tell me.



Excuse me.

I noticed you offered her
a piece of your pie.

That's right.

- And you waved it away.
- Right.

- Did you give her a reason?
- Yes.

- I was full.
- You were full.

So you gave a reason.
You didn't just shake your head.

- No. I'm not a psycho.
- Exactly.

You're not a psycho.

You've been very helpful. Thank you
very much. Allow me to leave the tip.

Well, I think we've proven
who the psycho is.

We certainly have.

Hey, Elaine, scratch my back.

- No way.
- One lap around.

- No.
- It'll be a funky adventure.

- Kramer, forget it.
- Jerry, how about you?

I think you know my policy.

I'm going home to spatula.

I thought George
was meeting us here.

No. He's going downtown
to guard the suit.

He's guarding a suit?

Do you need some
help with that itch?

Madam, I pray
you're not toying with me.

- Turn around.
- Oh, all right.

- It fits you perfectly.
- You think so?

What is this? Can't I leave
this place for a second?

Can I help you?

I'm buying this suit.

- No. This suit is not for sale.
- Excuse me, do you work here?


Then what the hell
business is it of yours?

I'm doing you a favor.

They're having
an unadvertised sale.

This suit will be
half-price starting Monday.

- Really? This Monday?
- Yes. Take off those pants.

Actually, the unadvertised sale
starts on Friday.

Friday? Thanks.

You know, for an unadvertised sale,
you're doing a lot of yapping about it.

I can't believe
your father owns this place.

So how are the desserts here?

Everything is delicious.

- You've tasted them?
- I think almost all of them.

Oh, I see they have apple pie.

- You've had the apple pie?
- Many times.

Audrey, I gotta be honest with you.

I'm a very curious guy.
It's my nature. I need to know things.

Not tasting the apple pie
the other day, I can't get past it.

You obviously like pies.

You carry doughnuts in your bag.
You're not averse to pastry.

Surely you could see how such
a thing would prey on my mind.

- Can we drop this?
- Why can't I know?

- Oh, Poppie.
- Sweetheart, hello.

Poppie, this is Jerry.

- Welcome.
- Hello, Poppie.

Don't fill up on the bread.

I'm making you
a very special dinner.

Very special.

The pies.

I'm going to the bathroom.
You know.

Ah, Jerry!

Tonight you're in for a real treat.

I'm personally gonna
prepare the dinner...

for you and my Audrey.

Jerry, are you okay?

Is anything wrong?

No. Nothing.

You look like you've seen a ghost.

I'll see you tomorrow.


- These are for you, Olive.
- Thank you.

Here it is.

Oh, wait till you taste this.

Poppie, this is perfect.


Jerry, have some.

You're not gonna taste it?


So she thought I did it
to get back at her.

Why didn't you just tell her?

It's not the kind of thing
you wanna hear about your father.

When he came out of that bathroom,
and he was kneading that dough...

it was a wild scene.

How could he not have washed?

Even if you're not gonna soap up...

at least pretend, for my benefit.
Turn the water on. Do something.

Yeah, just like I do.

You know, a chef who doesn't wash
is like a cop who steals.

It's a cry for help.
He wants to get caught.

I think Poppie's got some problems.

There's a whole other thing
going on with Poppie.

- So how did you leave it?
- We haven't spoken.

Hey. Hey, George.
I'm not gonna need this anymore.

I got Olive.

- Olive?
- My lady friend down at Monk's.

You guys ought to see the way
she works her nails across my back.

She's a maestro... The crisscross...

the figure eight,
strumming the old banjo...

and this wild, savage free-for-all...

where anything can happen.

I gotta get downtown
and buy that suit.

- Store opens in 20 minutes.
- Is that Elaine mannequin still there?

Yeah. The last time I saw her...

she was naked.

Yeah. And Poppie's got problems.

Where is it? Where is it?

Well, look at this.

This doesn't belong here.

Someone has made
a terrible mistake.

You bastard!

- You hid the suit.
- Hid?

I have no idea
how this suit got misplaced.

Nevertheless, I do believe
I shall purchase it.

I hope you rot in that suit.

I'll get you for this. I don't know how,
but I'm gonna get you.

- You are gonna pay.
- Oh, I'll pay.


Arrivederci, my fellow 40-short.

I made a list of people who might
have made the mannequin.

You know, possible suspects.

- Yeah, all right. Go ahead.
- Okay.

All right, well, there's this blind guy
at a party I was at...

and he felt my face
for a really long time...

to see what I looked like.

He almost put
his finger up my nose.

- What else you got?
- Okay.

I won't tell you the rest of the list.

Because I didn't think
the blind guy did it?

Because you have an attitude.

Oh, Georgie.

- Nice duds.
- You're telling me.

So, what do you think?

- Did you hear something?
- Yeah, like a swoosh.


It must be the fabric.

It's rubbing between your thighs
when you walk.

That's what's making
that swooshy sound.

I didn't hear it on the way over
because of the street noise.

This is no good!

I gotta meet these guys
from MacKenzie for lunch!

So what? What would they care?

This MacKenzie guy,
he's a bit of a nut.

He fired the last guy because
his nose whistled when he breathed.

So you're not gonna get the job
because your pants make noise?

Let's say it's between me
and one other guy.

He's got a quiet suit,
and I'm whooshing all over the place!

Who do you think he's gonna hire?

All these interviews
are making you nuts.

Jerry, I saw your girlfriend
was in here before.

- Audrey?
- Sat down, had herself a piece of pie.

- Was it apple?
- What else?

This woman is bending
my mind into a pretzel.

Do I know you?

No, you don't.


You were wearing a G-string
and one of those bras with points.

The mannequin!

Oh, I gotta see this thing.

Boy, the resemblance is uncanny.

You think you can pose me
however you want?

That's my ass in your window.

It's our mannequin.
We can do whatever we want.

No. You take that mannequin
down right now...

or I am pressing charges.
Yes. This is my attorney.

Yeah? What law am I breaking?

I believe there is some
legal precedent...

Winchell v. Mahoney.
The Charlie McCarthy hearings.

- Are you taking this down?
- I'm getting the manager.

- Jerry, get the car.
- What are you doing?

- Just get the car.
- As your legal counsel...

I must advise against this.

I don't know about you, but I'm getting
a hankering for some Doublemint gum.

I'm dropping you off at work, right?

Where are you going?


Thanks for meeting me
down here, George.

My office is out of control. Phones
ringing, people running in and out.

Did you hear something?

No, I didn't hear anything.

That's strange.

It's quieter down here.

We can concentrate without
people whooshing around.

That sound again.

Sure you didn't hear anything?

No, can't say as I did.

Kind of like a...


Could be the leaves.

That's right. Poppie's on 77th.

Okay. We'll see you at 8.


- What are you doing here?
- So how was the pie?

- What pie?
- The apple pie...

you had today at Monk's.

- I'm very busy here.
- Pretty good, wasn't it?

I told you you should've tasted it.

You better not let
Poppie see you.

All right, I'm looking for Poppie.

- Who are you?
- Board of Health.

- We've had complaints.
- Oh, about the, uh...

- You Poppie?
- I'm Poppie.

Think you better come with me.

What's the problem?

What do they want from Poppie?

Well, Poppie's a little sloppy.

You thought I'd care
about your pants whooshing?

I heard the last guy got fired
because his nose whistled.

No. He got fired because
he wasn't a team player.

That's something we don't joke
about at MacKenzie.

We're a team here.
We don't tolerate dissent.

You wanna go your own way,
you're in the wrong place.

No problem there.

Conformity's an obsession with me.

Chocolate cream pie,
compliments of the house.

Hope you saved room for dessert.

The chef said that
he made it special for you.

Best pie I've ever tasted.

Take a bite, George.

Take a bite.

It's delicious.

I insist.

If you're one of us, you'll take a bite.

- So you didn't get the job?
- No.

But I was the only one at the table
that didn't get violently ill.

Kramer, you can't keep
avoiding her like this.

- You have to say something.
- What?

- Tell her you lost your itch.
- What happened to it?

I lost it two days ago.

I've been faking it
so I wouldn't hurt her feelings.

You should tell her.

I'll let her down easy.

All right.

Well. Hi, Olive.

No, no. No more of that.

- There's something I have to tell you.
- What?

Well, there's someone else.

- Someone else?
- Yeah.

Who is she?


- Her?
- Yeah. There she is.

- That's my gal.
- You're a liar.

I've seen her before.
She's not your girlfriend.

Now, Olive, look, I'm sorry.

Why is she wearing her underwear?

Well, it's a style.

Jerry, give me the keys.

Well, I guess we're gonna go
for a drive now. She really loves that.

You ever solve the riddle of the pie?

No, that's one for the ages.

But I think they're gonna put
Poppie away for a long, long time.

You're not gonna believe this.

I just got a letter
from a friend of mine in Chicago...

who was shopping, and she saw
a mannequin that looked just like me.

What if there are more?
Where are they coming from?

Ricky, we've been getting
a tremendous response...

to your TR-6 mannequin.


I prefer to think of her as...