Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 5, Episode 14 - The Marine Biologist - full transcript

George starts dating a woman who (told by Jerry) thinks George is a marine biologist. Elaine's electronic organizer injures a person after being launched from a limo by a Russian novelist. Kramer decides to golf on the beach.

I love these nature shows.
I watch any kind of nature show.

And it's amazing
how you can always relate.

You're watching the
African dung beetle and going:

"Boy, his life is a lot like mine."

You always root for whichever animal
is the star of the show.

Like, if it's the antelope,
and a lion's chasing it...

you go, "Run, antelope, run.
Use your speed. Get away."

Then next week it's the lion...

and then you go, "Get the antelope.
Eat him. Bite his ass!

Trap him.
Don't let him use his speed."

Well, did he bring it up
in the meeting?

Elaine, see this T-shirt?

Six years, I've had this T-shirt.
It's my best one.

I call him Golden Boy.

Yeah. I'm on the phone here.

Golden Boy's always the first shirt
I wear out of the laundry. Here.

Touch Golden Boy.

No, thanks.
Yeah. Yeah, I'll hold.

But, see, look at the collar.
It's fraying.

Golden Boy is slowly dying.

Each wash brings him
one step closer.

That's what makes it
such a tragic figure.

Why don't you just let Golden Boy...

- soak in the sink with some Woolite.
- No.

The reason he's the iron man...

is because he goes out
and plays every game.

Wash, spin, rinse, spin.

If you take that away from him,
you break his spirit.


What? He is?

Oh, that's fantastic. I'm so excited.

Yes, I'm excited. Okay.
Okay, I'll be in soon.

Yeah, yeah, I'm coming. I'm coming.
Okay, bye.

- Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer.
- The guy who was in the gulag?

Yeah. Pendant's publishing his new
book and I'm gonna work on it.

Lippman and I are gonna go to the
airport and pick him up in a limousine.

You wanna borrow Golden Boy?

Do you know what this means?
It's like working with Tolstoy.

I read an unbelievable thing
about Tolstoy the other day.

Did you know the original title
for War and Peace...

was War... What is it Good For?

No, I'm not kidding, Elaine. It's true.

His mistress didn't like the title...

and insisted he change it
to War and Peace.

- But it's a line from that song.
- That's where they got it from.

- Really?
- I'm not joking.

You can't handle the truth.


I'm working on my Jack Nicholson.

You can't handle the truth.

- What is this, your mail?
- Yeah.

I grabbed it on the way out.
I don't want my mother reading it.

Your alumni magazine.

- Your mother reads your mail?
- Yeah.

- What do you mean, like postcards?
- No. Anything.

- She doesn't open.
- She'll open.

You've caught your mother
opening envelopes?

- Yes.
- What does she say?

"I was curious."

- Isn't that against the law?
- Maybe I can get her locked up.

Hey, Jerry, you're in the alumni
magazine. Listen to this:

"Jerry Seinfeld has appeared...

on David Letterman
and The Tonight Show...

and he did a pilot
for NBC called Jerry...

that was not picked up."

Georgie, how come there's not
anything about you in here?

He can't handle the truth.

All right, this is too much fun.
I gotta get back to work.

You all right?


- Sorry.
- It's okay.

Yeah. Oh, hey, wait, wait.

Maybe you could use this.


It's an electronic organizer.

- What?
- Yeah.

- What..?
- Yeah, here.

Yeah. You know...

for phone numbers, addresses,
keep appointments, everything.

Yeah, it's got an alarm that beeps.

Oh, I can't believe this, Kramer.

I've been wanting to get one of
these things. Are you sure that..?

- Sure you can't use this thing?
- No.

I got all my appointments
right up here.

- Where'd you get this?
- The bank. I opened a new account.

Hey, did you see that whale thing
on TV last night?


I am such a huge whale fan.

These marine biologists showed...

how they communicate
with the squeaks and the squeals.

- What a fish.
- It's a mammal.

Whatever. Hey, new tape recorder?

Yeah, I got it from the bank.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Who wants to have some fun?

- I do.
- I do.

Now, are you just saying that,
or do you really wanna have fun?

I really wanna have fun.

I'm just saying
I wanna have some fun.

Right now, there are 600 Titleists...

that I got from the driving range
in the trunk of my car.

Why don't we drive out
to Rockaway...

and hit them...

into the ocean!

Now picture this. We find a nice,
sweet spot between the dunes...

we take out our drivers,
we tee up, and:

That ball goes sailing up
into the sky...

holds there for a moment,
and then:

- You wanna get some lunch?
- Yeah.

Let me stop by the cash machine,
and I'll meet you.

Yeah, I'm gonna get a paper.

- Keep your head down.
- Yeah.

Cash advance? Yes.

No. Balance inquiry?


Receipt? No.

Processing, processing.

I won.


- Yeah.
- It's Diane.

- Diane DeConn from Queens College.
- Oh, Diane.

- How are you?
- Good.

- Good.
- How long has it been?

Since college.

I've seen you on TV.
You're doing great.

- Yeah, plugging along.
- I got the alumni magazine.

What ever happened to George?

I notice I never see his name
in there.

Well, he's kind of modest.

He was always such a goof-off.
I mean, did he ever get anywhere?

- Sure.
- Yeah? What field?

Marine biology.

George is a marine biologist?

Yeah. Pretty damn good one too.

I can't believe it.

- I would never have thought.
- Yeah. He's specializing in whales.

He's working on lowering
the cholesterol level in whales.

All that blubber. It's quite unhealthy.

It's the largest mammal
on Earth, but as George says...

they don't have to be.

Diane DeConn?

You saw Diane DeConn?

- Something, huh?
- How did she look?

She looked great.

She asked about you.

She asked about me?
What did she say?

"How's George?"

George? She said George?

She remembered my name.

Diane DeConn remembered my name.

She was the "it" girl.

She asked for your number. I think
she's gonna get in touch with you.

Okay, I'm telling you right now...

if you're kidding, I'm not gonna
be able to be your friend anymore.

I'm serious about that. You got that?

- I got no problem with that.
- Good.

Because if this is a lie,
if this is a joke...

if this is your idea of some
cute little game, we're finished.

Expect a call.

Oh, my God, he's not kidding.


I should tell you...

that at this point...

she's under the impression
that you're a...

- A what?
- A marine biologist.

- A marine biologist?
- Yes.

Why am I a marine biologist?

I may have mentioned it.

But I'm not a marine biologist.

Yes, I know that.


Why, you don't think
it's a good job?

I didn't even know it was a job.

Oh, it's a fascinating field.

Well, what if she calls me?

What am I supposed to say?


Obviously plankton.

I don't know what else
I could tell you.

I just got back from a trip
to the Gal?pagos Islands.

I was living with turtles.

We have got you
in a very nice hotel.

I don't know how you like to work...

but I can arrange
for an office if you like.

- I work in hotel. Is better.
- In the hotel.

Away from all your
little petty bickerings...

and interference.

You know, Tolstoy used to write
in the village square.

The faces inspired him.

He did not need inspiration.

God spoke through his pen.

- That is so true.
- Yes.

Although, one wonders
if War and Peace would have been...

as highly acclaimed, had it been
published under its original title...

War... What is it Good For?

- What?
- Yeah.

Mr. Lippman, it was his mistress
who insisted...

- that he call it War and Peace.
- Elaine, Elaine.

War... What is it Good For?

Absolutely nothing Say it again

- Elaine.
- It's a song. They took it from Tolstoy.

- No. Elaine.
- War...

- What is it Good For?
- It's her sense of humor.

- No, it's not. That is true.
- What is that noise?

- No, it's not.
- That noise!

What is that noise? It's traveling
up my spine, into my brain.

- It's coming from your purse.
- It must be my new organizer.

- That noise.
- Turn it off.

- Right. I think it's this...
- I cannot stand it.

- It's the button at the top.
- Okay.

- Will you turn it off?
- Not the... The one at the top.

Give it to me.

I did it for you.

I don't know why
you had to tell her that.

You put me in a very difficult
position. Marine biologist.

I'm very uncomfortable
with this whole thing.

I would think it's right up your alley.

Well, it's not up my alley.

It's one thing if I make it up,
I know what I'm doing.

I know my alleys.

You got me in the Gal?pagos Islands
living with the turtles.

I don't know where the hell I am.

You came in the other day
with all that whale stuff...

the squeaking and the squealing.

Look, why couldn't you
make me an architect?

You know I always wanted to pretend
I was an architect.

Well, I'm supposed
to see her tomorrow.

I'm gonna tell her what's going on.

I mean, maybe she
just likes me for me.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You want these?

I don't want them.

- Why?
- I stink!

I can't play.

The ball is just sitting there, Jerry,
and I can't hit it.

I only hit one really good ball
that went way out there.

- Well, what happened?
- I have no concentration.

- What's wrong with your..?
- Sand. I can't get rid of the sand.

Look at this. Look, there's still some
in here. It won't go away.

- Look, I even got sand in the pockets.
- You're getting it all over the floor.


Yeah. Yes, it is.


Could you hold on a second?
Hey, listen to this.

A woman found an electronic
organizer. My name's in it.

- She wants help finding the owner.
- How'd she find it?

She's walking down the street
and it hit her in the head.

So I am walking along...

minding my own business,
when all of a sudden...

this thing comes flying
out of nowhere...

and clonks me right on the head.


- So they took me to the hospital.
- Yeah.

Yeah. And they put me in this thing
that feels like a coffin...

for 45 minutes.

You ever been in one of those things?
You could go berserk in there.

- Well, you have insurance.
- I wish.

- Unbelievable.
- Yeah.

- What is with this thing?
- It never shuts up.

So anyway, you could see
why I would be interested...

- in finding this person.
- Absolutely.

You should not have to pay for that.

Stop it. Stop it!

Let me look at this thing.

Somebody told me they thought
they saw it come out of a limousine.

Typical rich people using the world
for their personal garbage can.

Boy, am I lucky your name came up.
I just pushed a button.

I want to know what my name's
doing in this creep's organizer.

- Yeah.
- Who do I know...

who would have even been
in a limousine yesterday?

- Oh, hey.
- Hey. Great organizer you gave me.

You liked it, huh?

It wouldn't stop beeping in the car...

so Testikov threw it
out the window.

I transferred everything in there.

I threw out my old book.
I'm lost now, Kramer.

- What? What is it?
- The sand. It's everywhere.

Okay, I'll see you later.

- Oh, there you are.
- There you are.

- So?
- So?

- What do you have to say for yourself?
- What do you have to say for yourself?

Why should I say anything
for myself?

War... What is it Good For?

Who told you?

Yuri Testikov...

the Russian writer. Hello?

You told Testikov...

that Tolstoy wanted
to name his book...

War... What is it Good For?

And do you know what happened?

- Can I take a guess?
- Oh, please.

Oh, I don't know. He threw
your organizer out the window?

What? How do you know that?

- Because I know who has it.
- How did you find it?

The woman who got hit with it found
my name, called me, and we met.

- Where is it? Give it to me.
- I don't have it.

- Why not?
- She's not returning it...

until she gets the money back
for the hospital bill.

But I didn't do it.
Testikov did it. He should pay for it.

How much is Testikov
getting from Pendant for this book?

- One million.
- Well, that's a start.

Then, of course, with evolution...

the octopus lost the nostrils...

and took on the more familiar look
that we know today.

- Really?
- Yeah.

But if you still look closely,
you can see a little bump...

where the nose used to be.

But enough about fish.

I can discuss other things,
you know.


- You know what room Testikov's in?
- Yeah...

308. I'm crazy for doing this.

Well, you want your organizer back,
don't you?

Why are you so interested?

- You wanna take her out?
- When Superman saves someone...

nobody asks if he's trying
to hit on her.

- Well, you're not Superman.
- Well, you're not Lois Lane.

- You got the tape recorder?
- Yeah. You sure you wanna do this?

I gotta get Testikov on tape.
If this woman ends up...

in the New England Journal of
Medicine, I'm not gonna pay for it.

Oh, here she comes.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Elaine, this is Corinne.

- Hello.
- Hi. You got the organizer?

Let's go. We'll meet you in 10
minutes, hopefully with the money.

Your parents must be
so proud of you, George.

Oh, they're busting.

What are those people
doing over there?

What? Come in.
Come in, Miss Benes.

That is, if you can spare a minute
from your busy schedule.

Now do you bring guest
for my entertainment?

Yeah, this is my friend Jerry.

He accompanied me.

Single women in a big city
can be dangerous, so...

That's why I wear these sneakers.
In case of any trouble, zip, I'm gone.

Yeah, yeah. The sneakers.
All the Americans with the sneakers.

You're always running
from something.

Yeah, yeah. Well, sit. Stop running.

Two minutes,
I give you latest manuscript.

Oh, Rimsky.

Great, great book,
if I may say so, sir.

I almost read the whole thing.

- What?
- If you can't turn that thing off...

I'll have to ask you to leave.

- I'm waiting for two people.
- Well, you can wait for them outside.

Yeah, I guess I'd better.

I wouldn't wanna take any attention
away from the hookers.

All right. All right. Out. Out.

Whatever you say, Crowell.

What's going on over here?

There's a beached whale.
She's dying.

Is anyone here a marine biologist?

Here is latest draft.

I see you next week,
same time, same day.

- On time, please.
- Okay.

It was nice meeting you.
You're a real pleasure.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, by the way, Mr. Testikov...

do you remember the other day
when we were in the limo and...

my organizer started making noise,
and you threw it out the window?

Yes. How can I forget?

Well, would you believe that
it actually hit somebody in the head?

Right in the head.

What is that noise?

That's nothing.

- And anyway...
- What's going on?

- That noise.
- No, no. That's my purse.

- That noise.
- No. Get off my purse.

- It's a recorder!
- No, that's... Radio.

You are spying on me.

- Save the whale.
- You've got to do it.

Save the whale, George.

For me.

So I started to walk into the water.

I won't lie to you, boys.

I was terrified.

But I pressed on. And as I made
my way past the breakers...

a strange calm came over me.

I don't know if it was
divine intervention...

but I tell you, Jerry,
at that moment...

I was a marine biologist.

George, I've just been reading
this thing in the paper.

- It's unbelievable.
- I know. I was just telling the story.

Well, come on, George.
Finish the story.

The sea was angry that day,
my friends.

Like an old man trying
to send back soup in a deli.

I got about 50 feet out,
when suddenly...

the great beast
appeared before me.

I tell you, he was 10 stories high
if he was a foot.

As if sensing my presence,
he let out a great bellow.

I said, "Easy, big fella."

And then, as I watched
him struggling, I realized...

that something was obstructing
its breathing.

From where I was standing, I could
see into the eye of the great fish.

- Mammal.
- Whatever.

- What did you do next?
- Well, then...

from out of nowhere,
a huge tidal wave lifted me...

tossed me like a cork,
and I found myself on top of him...

face to face with the blowhole.

I could barely see from the waves
crashing down upon me...

but I knew something was there.

So I reached my hand in...

felt around, and pulled out
the obstruction.

What is that, a Titleist?

A hole in one, huh?

- The crowd must have gone wild.
- Oh, yes, yes.

Yes, Jerry. They were all over me.

It was like Rocky I.

Diane came up to me...

threw her arms around me...

kissed me.

We both had tears
streaming down our faces.

I never saw anyone so beautiful.

It was at that moment
that I decided to tell her...

that I was not a marine biologist.

What did she say?

Told me to go to hell
and I took the bus home.

All right. Let's go.

- What, are you in a bad mood?
- No.

Got my laundry back.

- Golden Boy?
- He didn't make it.

- I'm sorry.
- Yeah.

This is Golden Boy's son...

Baby Blue.

- What's with you?
- This sand.

- It's everywhere.
- Yep.