Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 4, Episode 12 - The Airport - full transcript

Jerry and Elaine are on their way back to New York but learn their original flight has been canceled. As a result, Jerry ends up in first class and Elaine in coach. While Jerry has a wonderful flight with food, champagne and a beautiful blond models as a seat mate, Elaine suffers through the flight from hell. Back in New York, George and Kramer are supposed to meet Jerry and Elaine but the change in flight - and then a change in airport - has them running all over the place. More mayhem ensues when Kramer thinks he recognizes someone from his past.

Everything on planes is tiny. Tiny
food, tiny liquor bottles, tiny pillows...

tiny bathroom,
tiny sink, tiny soap.

Everyone's in a cramped seat
working on a tiny computer.

Always a small problem.
"Be a slight delay.

You'll be a bit late.
If you could be a little patient.

We're just trying to get
one of those little trucks...

to pull us a little closer
to the Jetway...

so you can walk down
the narrow hallway.

There'll be a man in a tight suit.
He'll tell you you have little time...

to make your connecting flight.
So move it."

Hey, could you do me a favor?

Could you shut up?

Open the window, please.
It's hot in here.

- You're wearing that heavy jacket.
- Fine, I'll take it off. Grab the wheel.

- I don't want to do that.
- Come on. Just do it.

- No, I don't like to do this.
- Elaine, just get it.

- My hand is stuck.
- Okay, don't fool around.

- My hand. My hand!
- Don't... Jer... All right, fine.


Hey, guess what.

- This window doesn't work.
- I hate rental cars. Nothing ever works.

Window doesn't work.
Radio doesn't work.

And it smells like a cheap hooker.

Or is that you?

Give me 10 bucks and find out.

So this worked out pretty good.

Them giving me an extra ticket. You
get a trip to St. Louis. I did my gig.

- You got to see your sister.
- Yeah, it worked out good.

- And here's the beauty.
- What?

George is picking us up
at the airport.

- Get out of here. Why?
- You know that awning...

- outside my building?
- Yeah.

He always brags
about his vertical leap...

so I bet him 50 bucks that
he couldn't touch the awning.

- So, what happened?
- He didn't come within 2 feet of it.

He's waving at it.

So I told him if he picks us up at the
airport, he wouldn't have to pay me.

Hey, how we doing on time?

Timed out perfectly.

Drop off the car, pick up the rental-car
shuttle, we walk on the plane.

- Wait up!
- Wait up!

- Sorry.
- Wait!

- Where you going?
- JFK.

I need some small bills
for a tip, got any?

- Yeah. You want a 5?
- Give me a 10.

- You're giving him $10?
- Well, we got three bags.

- That's a pretty big tip.
- That's what they get.

- They don't get that much.
- Let's ask him.

- You can't ask him.
- Let's see what he says.

- Jerry, we don't have time.
- Two seconds.

Excuse me.

My friend and I
were having a discussion.

We were just wondering
what you usually get for a tip.

- Depends on the person and the bag.
- How about people like us?

People like you?

Not much.
You don't know what you're doing.

- Come on, seriously.
- Well, since you asked.

Usually, I get $5 a bag.

- What?
- That's right.

- Five dollars a bag? I don't think so.
- Look, you asked, I told you.

You got some nerve
trying to take advantage of us.

All right, look, we're late.
Thank you very much.

- You're lucky I don't report you.
- Come on.



Wait up.

See? Never be late
for a plane with a girl.

Because a girl runs like a girl, with the
little steps and the arms flailing out.

You wanna make this plane,
you gotta run like a man.

Get your knees up!

- The flight's been canceled?
- Everything into JFK is booked.

Wait, I have two seats
into La Guardia...

but they're not together.
It's boarding now.

- We'll take them.
- We won't sit together?

So what? It's not long. You'll read.

What about George?
He's picking us up at Kennedy.

- We'll call him.
- There's no time.

- Is there time?
- There's no time.

There's no time.
We'll call him from the plane.

I have one seat in first class
and one in coach.

The price is the same
because your flight was canceled.


I'll take the first class.

- Jerry.
- What?

Why should you get
the first class?

Elaine, have you ever
flown first class?

- No.
- All right, then.

You won't know
what you're missing.

I've flown first class, Elaine.
I can't go back to coach.

- I can't. I won't.
- You flew here coach.

- Yeah, that's a point.
- All right, fine. I don't care.

The plane crashes, everybody in
first class is gonna die anyway.

Yeah, I'm sure you'll live.

Third row, right.

Oh, you're in here, sir.
Welcome aboard.

Bon voyage, Lainey.

Oh, excuse me.

Excuse me, Miss.
I think you're sitting in my seat.


- Yeah, 13C. That's me.
- Sorry.

No, that's all right.

I never check my bags. Can't stand
that waiting in the baggage area.


Help me.

Excuse me.
I think you're in my seat.

Oh, really?

My mistake.

My mistake.

Thank you.

- Hey, thanks for coming with me.
- Oh, yeah.

What made you think
you could touch that awning?

I confused it with another awning.


- So how we doing on time?
- We're perfect.

I timed this out so we'd
pull up at the terminal...

exactly 17 minutes after their flight
is supposed to land.

That gives them enough time
to get off the plane...

pick up their bags, and be walking
out of the terminal as we roll up.

I tell you, it's a thing of beauty.

I cannot express to you the feeling
I get from a perfect pickup.

- What are you doing?
- What?

What are you getting on the
Long Island Expressway for?

You know what the traffic will be like?
This is a suicide mission!

- Will you relax?
- I had it perfectly timed out.

The Grand Central. The Van Wyck.
You've destroyed my whole timing.

This is the best way to go.

Do you know what happens
if I miss him?

I don't get credit for the pickup,
and I lose my $50.

George, there's no traffic
at this time. Come on.


If anything, we'll probably
get there early.

I'll have a chance to
go to the duty-free shop.

- The duty-free shop?
- Yeah.

Duty-free is the biggest
sucker deal in retail.

- You know how much duty is?
- Duty?

- Yeah. You know how much duty is?
- No, I don't know how much duty is.

Duty's nothing. It's like sales tax.

Well, I'd still like to stop
at the duty-free shop.

I like to stop
At the duty-free shop

I like to stop
At the duty-free shop

I like to stop
At the duty-free shop

So he says,
"Squeeze your breasts together."

And I say, "I thought
this was an ad for shoes."

Oh, my.

- Is that the new Esquire?
- Yeah.

Turn to page 146.

Coming out of the shower.

Good thing they gave you that
washcloth to cover yourself up.

What is this an ad for?

See those wrinkled jeans
slung over the chair?

Way in the background,
out of focus?

How does it look on your side?

We'll get there.

Oh, look at this.

He's sleeping, and I have to go
to the bathroom.

Maybe he'll wake up soon.

What if my kidneys burst?

Is it worth it not to wake this man up
to damage a major organ?

I hope this disgusting slob
appreciates what I'm doing for him.

Yeah, make a little more noise
with your gum. That's helpful.

They're not here.
You cost me 50 bucks.

Look at you. You run like a girl. Come
on. Run like a man. Lift your knees.

We're wasting our time here.
We're a half-hour late.

They probably took it
off the board!

No, there it is. Right there, 133.
And it's canceled.

Do I still get credit for the pickup?

- I was here.
- Let's check at the ticket counter.

There it is, honey.
Gate 18A, 8:30.

Did you see that guy?

- No. What guy?
- That guy. He was...

standing right here.
- No, I didn't.

Go over to the ticket counter.

I'll go to the gift shop and
get a copy of TIME magazine.

There's supposed to be a blurb about
Jerry. I think he mentioned my name.

I know that guy.


Gotta get my TIME magazine.
Never miss my TIME.

Okay, get your magazine.
Let's get out of here.

Hey. I was gonna take that.

Gee, I'm sorry. I got here first.

- I don't care. I want the magazine.
- Okay, let's go.

You don't understand.
There's a blurb about me in this.

A blurb? You're a blurb.
Check out the cover, idiot.

- Let's go.
- Just give me second.

- I want the magazine!
- No.

You know what I would do to you
if I wasn't in these shackles?

But you are, Blanche.
You are in the shackles.

You little son of a...

Oh, I can't wait to read
my TIME magazine. Last copy too.

Maybe I'll read it tomorrow,
in the park.

Supposed to be a beautiful day.
Have a nice life...

sentence, that is. You miserable...

They're on a different flight.

They're scheduled to land
in half an hour at La Guardia.

La Guardia? Right, come on.

- Wait a second.
- Come on.

- Where do I know that guy from?
- We gotta go, come on.

Wake up, you human slug.
Wake up.

Wake up!

I can't hold it anymore.

Excuse me.
I've gotta go to the bathroom.

I've gotta go to the bathroom.

I'm sorry.

Can you move that?

Would you move
your seat up, please?

Oh, my, that is refreshing.

Would you care for some slippers?

- Sounds lovely.
- Here you are.

Thank you very much. May I?


Why, it's a perfect fit.
You must be Cinderella.

My name is not mentioned
in this blurb.

- That's it. It's Grossbard.
- Do you believe this?

- Nowhere to be found.
- I knew that face looked familiar.

- It's Grossbard.
- Who's Grossbard?

When I lived on Third Avenue
and 18th Street, 20 years ago...

I had this roommate who was
always behind in his rent.

One month, he asked me to loan him
his share of the rent, 240 bucks.

He took the cash and...


I tried to find him. I went to his
girlfriend's house, even his family.

Never got that money back.
He screwed me.

And that's the guy. John Grossbard.

Kramer, come on.
It was 240 bucks 20 years ago.

- I'm gonna turn around, get that guy.
- You can't.

- Let go of me.
- Kramer, you cannot go back.

Kramer, you cannot abandon
people in an airport pickup.

It's a binding social contract.

We must go forward. Not back.

Tia, did you see all the flowers
in that bathroom?

- It's like an English garden in there.
- They're beautiful.

They're gardenias, mostly.

- I thought I smelled lilac.
- Yes, there are a few of those too.

It's almost overwhelming.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is the captain.

Due to equipment problems
on the runway at La Guardia...

we've been instructed by the tower
to reroute and land at JFK.

We apologize
for any inconvenience.

What did he say?
What did he say?

- Well, you're not gonna believe it.
- What?

The plane's rerouted back
to Kennedy. We got 45 minutes.

Let's go. Listen to the bell,
Grossbard. It tolls for thee.

We have some
delicious Chateaubriand.

My personal favorite.
Or if you prefer something lighter...

a poached Dover sole in a delicate
white-wine sauce with a hint of saffron.

Oh, saffron. That sounds good.

And today we're featuring wines
from the Tuscany region.

- Tuscany.
- Tuscany.

Hi. Can I get to my seat?

You're just gonna have to wait.

I'm right there. You just passed it.
I'm sitting next to that guy.

You're not supposed to get up
during the food service.

Well, nobody told me that.

Look. This plane is full.

I got a lot of people to serve.
Now, please.

You're just gonna have to wait.

There it is. Gate 46.
We got plenty of time.

Grossbard's plane
leaves in 10 minutes.

I've still got time to catch him.

How? He probably boarded
the plane already.

Give me your credit card.

- My credit card?
- Give it to me. Don't ask questions.

I'm not giving you my card
unless you tell me what it's for.

To buy a ticket
to get on that flight.

You'll spend more for the ticket
than you'll get from Grossbard.

I'm not gonna use the ticket.

I'll get my money, get off the plane,
turn your ticket in for a refund.

Not gonna cost you a dime.

- Come on, give me the card.
- This is a great idea. Here.

Use this one. I get frequent flyer
miles with every purchase.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Get two tickets.

You're returning it anyway,
what's the difference?

- I'll get double the bonus miles.
- Yes. Yes.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry to make you do this,
but I got stuck in the aisle.

The flight attendant
wouldn't let me through.

There's no way
to get around that cart.

You're not supposed to get up
during food service.

I'll try and remember that.

Where's my meal?

He asked me. But you were gone
so long, I thought you switched seats.

Excuse me. Excuse me,
I didn't get a meal.

- Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm sure.

I would know if a tray of food
had been served to me.

- Would you?
- Yes.

Well, the only meal left
is a kosher meal.

A kosher meal?
I don't want a kosher meal.

I don't even know
what a kosher meal is.

I think it means when a rabbi
has inspected it or something.

No, no, it all has to do
with the way they kill the pig.

- Come on, but they don't eat pigs.
- They do if it's killed right.

- Under a rabbi's supervision.
- Oh, you know what?

I ordered the kosher meal.

- Then why didn't you take it?
- I ordered it six weeks ago. I forgot.

You're eating my food.

Hey, I got earplugs to collect.
Do you want it or not?

- This is the best sundae I've ever had.
- Oh, man.

You know what?

They got the fudge on the bottom.

You see? That enables you to
control your fudge distribution...

as you're eating your ice cream.

I never met a man who knew
so much about nothing.

Thank you.

- More anything?
- More everything.

Look. I did good.
I got supersavers. Come on.

Supersavers? Are they refundable?

You bought nonrefundable tickets.
You idiot.

She talked me into it.
Said it was the best deal.

- Do you know how much this'll cost?
- I'll tell you what.

I'll split it with you, huh?

- Listen, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
- Okay, okay.


- How about that, huh?
- Excuse me?

- Do you recognize me?
- No.

- Come on. Twenty years ago.
- What?

- Eighteenth Street?
- I don't know what you're talking about.

Give me your money.
Where's your wallet?

The $240.

Just a minute.

Hey, buddy.



Sorry. I'm sorry.


Excuse me.

Excuse me.

What? Oh, no, nothing for me,
thank you. I'm fine.

What is your name?

Elaine Benes.

You're going to have to
go back to coach.

But there was nobody sitting here.

Yes, but you're still not allowed.
These seats are very expensive.

No. Please don't send me back there.
I'll do anything. It's so nice up here.

It's so comfortable up here.
I don't wanna go back there.

Please, don't send me back there.

Oh, you got cookies.

You're going to have to
go back to your seat.

Okay, fine. I'll go back.

You know, our goal should be
a society without classes.

Do you realize the people up here
are getting cookies?!

What is all the racket back there?

You're trying to relax on the plane, and
this is what you have to put up with.

What is going on?

Sir, this woman tried
to sneak into first class.

Oh, you see, that's terrible.

The problem is
that curtain is no security.

There really should be
a locking door.

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.



Come on. Let go of me. I'm telling
you, I didn't do anything wrong.

- That guy owes me 240 bucks.
- Listen, pal, you're in big trouble.

Couldn't be.

Where are they already?
I don't see them anywhere.

I got my bags. I'm ready to go.

Yeah, you got your bags.

That was the worst flight
I've ever been on in my entire life.

Yeah, me too.

- I'll call you.
- Okay.

It's a business thing.


- You guys ready?
- Yeah.

Where's George?


But I have to admit that I like flying.
I like those...

little bathrooms that
they have on the plane.

It's like a small apartment
of your own on the plane.

You go in, close the door,
the light comes on.

It's like a surprise party
every time you go in there.

But the worst way
of flying, I think, is standby.

You ever fly standby?
It never works.

That's why they call it "standby. "You
end up standing there going, "Bye.

I didn't...


I was on this plane
where the flight attendant...

It was her first day on the job. So
they didn't have a uniform for her yet.

And that really makes
a big difference.

Here's just some regular person
coming over, going:

"Would you bring
your seatback all the way up?"

"Who the hell are you?"

She says,
"I'm the flight attendant."

"Yeah, well,
then I'm the pilot, all right?

So why don't you sit down?
I'm about to bring her in."