Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 3, Episode 23 - The Keys - full transcript

Jerry is fed up with Kramer coming into his apartment any time he feels like it and asks him to return his spare set of keys. Kramer begrudgingly complies but then lets it be known that ...

I bought the Ginsu knife.

I did buy the Ginsu knife.

I know, you can't believe it,
but I did, I swear. I saw it.

It was late at night, and
I'm watching the thing...

and it started
making sense to me.

I'm thinking: "Yeah, cut through the
shoe, cut through the can, yeah.

Yeah, I want that."

So I called up the number
on the screen, you know...

and I said, "I'd like to order
the Ginsu knife."

And the lady went, "Really?"

I mean, even the Ginsu people
have given up.

It's really so sad, you know.

I guess, to be honest, if you need
a knife that can cut through a shoe...

perhaps you're not buying the
highest grade of meat available.

Maybe you ought to think about not
getting the "hoof cut" once in a while.

What is it about sleep
that makes you so thirsty?

Do dreams require liquid?

It's not like I'm running a marathon,
I'm just lying there.

What the hell?
Why is the door open?

- Kramer, what are you doing here?!
- Jerry, now calm down. It's okay.

- Oh, God.
- I'm sorry.

I didn't want to wake you up.

I was watching
Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo...

and l... You know, I wanted
to get some popcorn...

so I used the spare keys
that you gave me...

to come in to get your popper.

- You scared me!
- It's just me.

- That's enough!
- Yeah, okay. Forgot the popper.

It's not broken.

Come on.


What are you doing?

What does it look like? What?

Get out of the bathroom. I gotta go!

All right, all right.

- Come on!
- All right.

- Move it, move it! Get going!
- Well, my drain's all clogged up.

- Is that my towel?
- Yes.

I'm really happy the movie
was sold out.

You ever pretend there's
murderers chasing you...

and see how fast you can
get into your apartment?

I'm from Wichita.

- There he is!
- Hurry, Jerry, he's coming.

- He's coming. The murderers!
- Hurry. Hurry, he's coming. Hurry!

Oh, Jerry.

Boy, that was close.

Did you see the look
on that guy's face?

- You were so fast with those keys.
- Well...

- Beautiful.
- Kramer!

What the hell are you doing here?

Hey, Jerry, how are you? I thought
you were going to the movies.

That's it, hand them over.

- What?
- You know what. The keys.

You've lost your key privileges.

- Oh, come on.
- No "come on."

- I thought you went to the movie.
- It was sold out.

How was I to know
it would be sold out?

- That's the point.
- What point?

- Just give me the keys.
- Just give me another chance.

- Don't ask me.
- I'm asking you.

- I'm telling you.
- You're joking.

- I'm serious.
- It won't happen again.

- It will. Give me the keys.
- No.

- Let go.
- You let go. Come on, Jerry.

Now, stop it. Come on, Kramer.

Oh, great! Okay, all right.

Fine, you go ahead. Take the keys.

But you're gonna regret this.

All right, yeah.


- So put them in a safe place.
- I will.

- Where?
- I don't know.

I'll hide them.

- So is Kramer upset?
- I think so.

I mean, he's acting really weird lately.
He's different.

- Just give him the keys back.
- No, I can't.

Is that Kramer?

- Who's there?
- Kramer.

Hey. Oh, hi. Oh, you got the...

- No, I am not...
- No, no, it's okay. It's okay.

I don't care about the keys.
It's my fault.

No, I gave the keys away
with my stupidity.

I broke the covenant of the keys.

- Jerry, give him the keys back.
- Elaine.

- Here.
- What are you doing?

- I'm giving him the keys.
- Those are my keys.

- Let go! Jerry! No!
- Elaine. Come on.

Stop it! Stop it!
I don't want the keys back.

No, I'm glad the way
things turned out.

I was clinging to those keys, man...

like a branch on the banks
of a raging river...

and now I have let go.

And I'm free to go with the current...

to float.

- And I thank you.
- Take the keys.

- I don't want them.
- I want you to have them.

- I don't want them! I can't.
- Come on. Take them!

- No!
- Okay.

Now, one more thing.

I would like my keys back.

- Your spare set?
- Yeah, that's right.

- You want them back?
- Yeah, yeah...

I think it would be for the best.

Gee, Kramer, I...

I don't know what to say.

Say yes.

Yes, George, yes.

- Yes?
- Yes.

Should I give you my keys?
Is that the transaction, trading keys?

- Because Elaine has my keys.
- You can get them back.

I suppose I could.

Because you see, George,
having the keys to Jerry's apartment...

that kept me in a fantasy world.

Every time I went over to his house,
it was like I was on vacation.

Better food, better view, better TV.

Cleaner. Oh, much cleaner.

That became my reality.

I ignored the squalor
in my own life...

because I'm looking at life, you see,
through Jerry's eyes.

I was living in twilight, George.

Living in the shadows,
living in the darkness...

like you.

- Me?
- Oh, yeah.

I can barely see you, George.

All right, stop it, Kramer.
You're freaking me out.

Hi. Are you ready to order?

- Yeah. What's the...?
- No, not yet.

Excuse me.

Do you ever yearn?

Yearn? Do I yearn?

- I yearn.
- You yearn?

Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn.

Often I sit and yearn.

Have you yearned?

Well, not recently.

I craved.

I crave all the time.
Constant craving.

But I haven't yearned.

- Look at you.
- Oh, Kramer, don't start.

No, no. You're wasting your life.

I am not.
What you call wasting, I call living.

- I'm living my life.
- Okay, like what? No, tell me.

- Do you have a job?
- No.

- You got money?
- No.

Do you have a woman?


Do you have any prospects?


You got anything on the horizon?


- You have any action at all?
- No.

Do you have any conceivable reason
for even getting up in the morning?

I like to get the Daily News.

George, it's time for us
to grow up and be men...

not little boys.
- Why?

I'm going to California.
You know, I got the bug.

Yeah, I think I got
a touch of something too.

No, the acting bug. Ever since
I was in that Woody Allen movie.

"These pretzels
are making me thirsty"?

That was one line. You got fired.

I know, I know.
But, man, I never felt so alive.

- Now, you coming with me?
- No, I'm not.

All right. Suit yourself.

But let's keep this between us.

We're key brothers now.

You're not really gonna go
to California, are you?

Up here, I'm already gone.

He gave me his spare keys...

and now he wants my keys,
so I need mine back from you.

Because you have his keys?
Why does he need yours?

I don't know, he said
he wants to be my key brother.

- That's ridiculous.
- That's Kramer.

I'll give you back your spare keys,
but now I want mine back.

What for?

- Because I'll give them to Jerry.
- Jerry? Why?

- Because he gave me his.
- So what?

So if he has my keys,
I should have his.

I don't see why if you have his...

he should have yours.
- I just said the same thing.

- What?
- What?

I'll give you my keys,
but I don't have them here.

Can I have mine to give to Kramer?

Yeah, okay, I'll go get them.

What are you doing?
Would you just put that down?

I gotta get some new friends.

- Did you bring the keys?
- Yes.

But I still don't feel right
about letting you into Kramer's.

This could be an emergency.

- You shouldn't have taken his keys.
- I tried to give them back.

- How'd the Mets do?
- They lost.

- Kramer!
- Come on, open it up.

- Kramer?
- Hello, boys.

- Hello, Newman.
- Are you looking for someone?

Don't play coy with me,
I'm not in the mood.

Coy? I'm not being coy.

- Is he being coy?
- Yeah, coy.

You're being coy.
Now, where's Kramer, Newman?

- Who?
- Listen, Tiny...

I wanna know where Kramer is,
and I wanna know now!

- Hit me, Seinfeld, I got witnesses.
- Turn around, George.

- Sure.
- George?

Tell me where Kramer is
or we'll do this the hard way!

- Help! Help!
- Where's Kramer?

- Help!
- What's going on?

- They're gonna beat me up.
- No, we're not.

We're trying to find Kramer.

You want to know what happened
to Kramer? I'll tell you.

He was ticked off about the keys.

Yeah, that's right, about the keys.

- Thought he got a bad rap.
- Bad rap?

- Yeah, from you.
- Me?

You heard me. So he packed a grip
and he split for the coast.

La-la land. L.A.


I never should have taken
his keys away.

He drove me to it, I had no choice.

He wouldn't take them back.

Elaine, you saw it. Remember?

I said, "Take the keys back."
He wouldn't do anything.

You saw it. Didn't you see it?

Yeah, yeah, I saw it.

I mean, it was complete bull...
But I saw.

- What?
- No, what'd you say?

Nothing. I didn't say anything.

Oh, you didn't see it?

Yeah, I saw it. I saw it.

- I saw it. Yep.
- I heard you say something there.

- I didn't say anything.
- I'm calling Kramer's mother.

I don't know what you said,
but it was something.

I heard something.

Hello? Hello, Mrs. Kramer?

Mrs. Kramer?

Could you turn the music down?

Could you turn the music down?

- Ask her about Kramer.
- She's drunk out of her mind.

Oh, my keys.

This is perfect.

Elaine, are you there?

It's me. I'm locked out.
I need my spare keys. Where are you?

I'm at the coffee shop.

Hey! You ever been in an accident?

About five years ago.

I was going down this very road.

Same time of day, going about
the same speed I'm going now.

There was a rock in the road.

It couldn't have been
more than a pebble.

Never really saw it.

Lost control of the bike,
went flying about a hundred feet.

Came down right on my head.

Cracked it wide open.

Blood and stuff just splattered
all over the road there.

Broke every bone in my face.

You know, when they found me...

my eyes were hanging out
of their sockets.

Yeah, they pronounced me dead
at the scene.

Was in a coma for...
Well, they told me about a year.

Said I'd be a vegetable for life.

Yeah, but I showed them.

Of course, since then,
I always wear a helmet.



Georgie boy.

Way to come through with the keys.

- Sit down, I'm buying you dinner.
- Look...

I just don't feel right about
letting you into Elaine's apartment.

Don't feel right?
What are you talking about?

I let you into Kramer's.
Now you wanna go into Elaine's.

She entrusted me with her keys.
How can I just let you in?

What is the big deal?

Just because you have
someone's spare keys...

doesn't entitle you to break in.

That's the reason you took
Kramer's keys.

You're not even supposed
to have Elaine's keys.

You're supposed to give them to her
so she can give them to me.

So technically, those are my keys.

If you'd never taken your keys
from Kramer...

he never would have given
his to me.

In which case, I wouldn't have
had to take mine back from her.

- I want those keys.
- No can do.

- George, I want these.
- Stop it, let go.

- George, I don't want to get physical.
- You wanna fight?

- Wanna fight?
- I'll fight you!

- Let's go.
- Nothing in the face!

- Okay.
- All right.

And then the evil ogre
took back the magical keys...

from the handsome young prince.

Oh, no. He didn't
take back the keys.

- No way.
- Yes.

And then the handsome
young prince...

was cast out
into the cruel, cruel world.

Oh, man, what a bummer.

- That ogre dude is pretty cold, huh?
- He's cold.

Let me tell you something, Kramer.

If that ogre dude pulled
that crap on me...

l'd stab him!
- Wait.

I'd cut him in half!

I'd gut him like a fish, man!

- That's what I'd do.
- Yeah, yeah. That'd be funny.

Hey, you can drop me here.

Hey, what's the rush, man?

- Well, I got to be going now.
- Hey, Kramer...

have you ever killed a man?

What do you think?

You think these hands have been
soaking in lvory Liquid, huh?

Oh, don't leave, Kramer.
Stay with us.

Oh, you know so much
about the world. We need you.

- Please, Kramer.
- Please, Kramer.

Well, now, Star Cloud...

- Okay, wait a minute.
- Please, Kramer.

- No, no, no.
- Please, Kramer.

See? You're avoiding
the middleman.

You'd give her her keys,
which she would give to me.

So instead of giving them to her,
you give them to me.

Unfortunately, when she gave
you yours, you didn't give her hers.

She'd give them to me
because she has mine.

Then I wouldn't have to ask you
for hers...

so that I could get mine.

You're right. How did I miss that?

Maybe because it's a crock of sh...

- What's that?
- Nothing.

- I heard something.
- Didn't say anything.

So how long you been driving
this thing?

Going on four years.

Well, nothing's sexier than a woman
behind the wheel of a semi.



Listen to you.
You're quite the sweet talker.

I always wanted to drive
the big rigs.

I used to watch those commercials
during reruns of Gomer Pyle.

- You wanna give it a try?
- Really?

- Do you know how to double-clutch?
- Yeah.

- Well, come on.
- Wait a minute.


Okay. All right.

They were in here.
I saw her put them in here.

Well, this is great.

- What do they look like?
- Like keys.

They look like keys, George.

They look exactly like keys.

"What do they look like?"

- They're obviously not here.
- They've got to be here.

Jerry, unless I pull down on this
statuette and a hidden wall opens up...

we have checked every square inch
of this apartment.

What is this?

- "Murphy Brown"?
- What?

- "By Elaine Benes"?
- What?

Elaine's writing a Murphy Brown?

- Let me see this.
- Wait a second.

- Let me just look at it.
- Wait.

- Give me half!
- All right, here!

Why didn't she tell us?

Elaine is writing a sitcom?

- You... You weasels!
- What?

- What?
- How dare you!

- We hardly read anything.
- It was funny.

Who gave you permission
to come in...

and just go through my things?

- You thought it was funny?
- Well, you know...

from what I saw...
- Well, it's just a first draft!

I was locked out.
I'm just trying to get my keys.

- Why did you let him in?
- He forced me to.

- I did not!
- Yes, you did!

- You, get out! Get out!
- Wait, I need my spare keys.

Oh, here's your damn keys.
You keep them.

- I don't want them anymore.
- Good.

I want my keys back from you.

- I can't hold them?
- No, you can't be trusted.

All right, all right. Fine!

- And I don't want you to hold mine.
- Good, I won't!

Good, don't.

- Are these my keys?
- These aren't my keys.

- Whose are these?
- I don't know.

No, those are yours...

I just thought I could write it.

Is that something you wanna do?

I don't know.

Those writers make a lot of money.


Let me tell you something
about show business.

- I can't believe it.
- It's hard work.

You don't just write
a Murphy Brown.

You gotta watch the show,
get a sense of the characters...

how they relate to each other.

Okay, can I just watch the show?

Oh, God, what an ass...

What did you say?

I didn't say anything.

I heard something.

Elaine, Elaine, it's Kramer!

Kramer's on Murphy Brown!

- Kramer's on Murphy Brown!
- Look, there he is!

He's sitting at the desk!

Hi, I'm Murphy Brown.

- You must be my new secretary.
- Good morning, Miss Brown.

- And you are?
- I'm Steven Snell.

- Snell.
- Yes.

Well, hello, Mr. Snell.


- Steven.
- Yes.

Are you familiar with this
computer system?

Oh, I'm familiar, yes.

Steven Snell, I know people...

and I have a very good feeling
about you.


So I fly a lot. I was on a plane
the other day and I was wondering...

are there keys to the plane?
Do they need keys to start the plane?

Maybe that's what those delays on the
ground are sometimes, at the gate.

Maybe the pilot's up in
the cockpit going:

"Oh, I don't believe this.

Oh, my God...

I did it again."

They tell you it's mechanical.

They don't want to come on
the PA system:

"Ladies and gentlemen...

we're gonna be delayed here
a little while. I...

Oh, God, this is so embarrassing.

I left the keys to the plane
in my apartment."

You see technicians,
you think they're servicing it...

but they're looking for the magnet
Hide-A-Key under the wing.

"Maybe he left it up there