Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 3, Episode 21 - The Letter - full transcript

Jerry's new girlfriend, Nina, is an artist and while he likes her a lot he's a little concerned that she is overly possessive and jealous. It clearly bothers her that he and Elaine have remained such good friends even after they stopped dating. When Jerry obviously begins to waver, she writes him a wildly romantic letter. Only later does he realize it's a piece of dialog given by Marsha Mason in Chapter Two (1979). Sitting in the owner's box at a Yankees game, Elaine insists on wearing her Orioles cap and refuses to remove it when asked to.

Do you think...

that the security guards
in art museums...

really ever stop anybody
from taking the paintings?

I mean, are they going, "Hey, where
do you think you're going with that?

Come over here.
Give me that C?zanne."

I mean, look at the job
that this man is hired to do.

He's getting $5 an hour to protect...

millions of dollars
of priceless art, with what?

He's got a light mocha
brown uniform...

and a USA Today.
This is what he's got.

Crooks must look at this guy and go,
"We get past the folding chair...

and the thermos of coffee,
we can get a Rembrandt."

Kramer, would you hold still?
I can't do this if you keep moving.

You sure you don't want me
to take my clothes off?

Because I'll do it.

No, that's the last thing
in the world I want you to do.

Well, why don't you take
your clothes off?

I don't know, I don't think
Jerry would like that.

Well, it'll be our little secret.


Button fly!

Why do they put buttons on a fly?

It takes 10 minutes
to get these things open.

I like the button fly.

- What?
- That is one place on my wardrobe...

I do not need sharp,
interlocking metal teeth.

It's like a mink trap down there.

I'm gonna develop kidney problems.

- What are you doing today?
- Nothing.

I have to go meet Nina. Want to come
up to her loft, check out her paintings?

- I don't get art.
- There's nothing to get.

It always has to be explained to me...

and then I have to have someone
explain the explanation.

She does abstract stuff. In fact,
she's painting Kramer right now.

- What for?
- She sees something in him.

So do I, but I wouldn't
hang it on a wall.

Are you getting the eyes?

Because they're brown.

Really, they're dark brown,
like rich Colombian coffee.

Tell me about Elaine.

You know, she and Jerry
were a big thing...

like Abe Lincoln and Mary Todd.

- But they're still friends.
- Yeah, yeah. They're like this:

- Don't you think that's strange?
- Why? What's the difference?

Are you still friends with any
of your ex-girlfriends?

Well, you know, I...

I have many relationships.

- I tell you, I'm a little nervous.
- Why?

You know, the friend meeting
the new woman.

I feel like I'm getting fixed up
for a friendship.

I don't know how long
this is gonna last.

I thought you liked her.

I do, but she's got,
like, a jealousy thing.

She doesn't like me having
fun with anyone but her.

You know, it's a miracle
you're not married.

Hey, I'm not obligated
to buy anything, am I?

- Hi, Nina.
- Hi.

- This is my friend George.
- Hello.

Nice to meet you.
I've heard a lot about you.

Hey, look at this guy!

I brought George up to see
some of your paintings.

Oh, are you interested?

Yeah, sure.
Sure, I'm interested.

George, you gonna buy a painting?

Yeah, sure.

- Are you an art lover?
- I am an art adorer. I adore art.

Great. Take a look around.
Pick something out you like.

May I?

Get out of here.

Here. Play with this.

- What's this?
- My father gave me four tickets...

to the Yankee game
for Saturday afternoon.

Owner's box, first row,
behind the dugout.

Saturday! I'm working.
I'm going out of town.

Well, I won't go without you.
You guys want them?


They're right behind the dugout,
George. First row.

Behind the dugout? Are you kid...?
How did you get them?

My father's the Yankees' accountant.
It's the owner's box.

All my life I've dreamed of sitting
front row, behind the dugout.

You like that one?

Look at where we are!

He's not stopping. He keeps
going and going and going.

We're not in the first row?

- No, no. These are your seats.
- She said first row behind the dugout.

It's the second row. It's just as good.

I was primed for the first row. I was
gonna put my feet on the dugout.

Shut up. These are great.
You can't get any better than this.

There's better. Right there.
That's better.

All right.

Oh, boy.

- All right. Who wants a dog?
- Yeah. Here you go.

What a great day.

I could've been at my boss'
son's bris right now.

That what you were
supposed to do?


What makes him think anyone wants
to witness a circumcision?

I'd rather go to a hanging.

Is it that unattractive
to have to take it off?

Have you ever seen one with it?


You wouldn't even
know what it was.

Anyway, I called him back.

I told him I had to visit my father
in the hospital in Maryland.

You better catch it here, Charlie,
because this ain't Philadelphia!

- George?
- Yeah?

Hi. I'm Leonard West.

- Nina's father.
- Hi, hi, Mr. West. I'm sorry.

- This is my friend Elaine.
- Hi.

Hey, .230 ain't gonna
cut it in this town, babe!

This is Kramer.

Hey, how you doing?

Yes! Yes!

- How are the seats?
- Okay.

- Great. They're great.
- I hear you bought...

one of Nina's paintings.
- It's being framed now.

I don't even know what it costs.

Not too expensive, is it?

Not if you have a lot of money.

It was cheaper for me
when she was an actress.


- Enjoy the game.
- Thanks.

I think you better take
off the Orioles cap.

Yeah. I better.

No, no. Seriously.
You're in the owner's box.

I don't think it's a good idea.

- You're not serious.
- Yes, yes, yes, I am.

- Did he say that?
- No, but he gave me the seats.

I don't think he'd like you
wearing an Orioles cap.

- Maybe you should ask him.
- I don't have to.

Are you gonna take
the hat off or not?

No. I'm not gonna
take it off.

Why should I?
That's ridiculous.

Just take the cap off.

George, I am at a baseball game.

- This is America.
- Look!

Either you take the cap off
or you leave.

I'm not taking it off.

- Elaine, just take the cap off.
- No! Get off of my hat!

- What's...?
- What do you mean?!

- Stop it!
- Just take it off!

- There's your cap!
- Let's go.

Oh, my God. All right,
get your hands off of me!

- I'm leaving.
- Wait a minute. We just got here.

Do you want us to go with you?

- No, you stay.
- Get your cap, George.

- Well, I was just thinking...
- Yeah. Stay!

All right, all right, we'll go, we'll go.

And then the ball hits him in the head,
and he falls right over the railing.

- Is he okay?
- Well, yeah, he's fine.

We took him to the emergency room.
The x-rays were all negative.

It was quite a day.

This is the most amazing story
I've ever heard.

Why did he want you to take
off the baseball cap?

- That is so insane.
- I know.

Can you imagine that?

- How you feeling?
- Oh, yeah. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Hi, Carol.

Hey, look. We made the paper.

Look at this. Page two, sports section.
We're all in the picture.

- Picture?
- Picture.

- Our picture's in there? What?
- Yeah.

I cannot believe this.

- There's George.
- Look at him.

Oh, my God!
Lippman could see this!

He thinks I was visiting my father.
Oh, my God!

I make up one little white lie,
and they put my picture in the paper!

Hi, Mr. Lippman.

How's your father?

My... My father.

Yeah. You went to see him, right?


- I went to visit him.
- So...

what was wrong with him?
- Well, you name it. You know...

Neuritis, neuralgia.

But he's feeling better now, right?

Yes. Yeah. It's such a miracle.

You know, my visit must have
buoyed his spirits.


- What did I say?
- You said "boy'd."

- I did?
- Yeah.

Well, I got a plane to catch.

- Where are you going?
- Going to Houston for a few days.

Publishers' convention.

Can I have my sports section?

- Oh, yeah.
- Sports section.

I'm saving it for the plane. I never
miss the Sunday sports section.

There's nothing to read.
It's yesterday's news.

The Yankees won, the Mets lost,
Rickey Henderson's unhappy.

Right. Right.

What are you doing?

That is the third time today
I have done that.

I keep, you know, grabbing
newspapers and just tugging at them.

Well, I gotta go.

Okay. Yes, well, you know,
have a nice trip.

Alrighty. I'll just
hold down the fort.

I sense great vulnerability...

a man-child crying out for love...

an innocent orphan
in the postmodern world.

I see a parasite.

A sexually depraved miscreant...

who is seeking only to gratify his
basest and most immediate urges.

She was a guest of my father's.

- She should've taken the cap off.
- It's preposterous...

to ask someone to take off a
baseball cap at a baseball game.

How can you defend that?

His struggle is man's struggle.

He lifts my spirit.

He is a loathsome, offensive brute.

Yet I can't look away.

Look, I'm tired of all this fighting.

Maybe we should end this before
we really start hating each other.

You wouldn't want that, because you
always have to remain friends.

I like to remain friends
with people I was friends with.

Hey, why don't you just go then?

And give this to George.
Tell him he owes me $500.

He transcends time and space.

He sickens me.

I love it.

Me too.

Five hundred dollars?

- What?
- That's what she told me.

I'm not paying $500 for this!

It's a piece of junk!

- That's what it costs.
- Why did you take it?

- You broke up with her.
- I wasn't thinking. I don't know.

You weren't thinking.

I mean, she framed it
and everything.

I'm not buying this.
No way. Forget it.

No way I'm buying this.

I mean, look at it! What is it?

It's a bunch of squiggly lines.

Are you telling me you
couldn't paint this?

You want me to paint you something?
I'd love to paint you something.

I'm not paying for this.

If you were going out with her,
it'd be a different story.

This was in front of your door.

- Hey, Kramer.
- Hi, Mike.

Wow, a letter from Nina!

Man, that is the ugliest thing
I've ever seen.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

This is amazing.
You can't believe this.

Listen to this. "I don't know what
you expect to find, Jerry.

You know what you want better than
me, but there's one thing I do know.

I can stand here watching
you try to destroy...

everything I've ever
wanted in my life...

wanting to smash your face with my
fists because you won't even make...

the slightest effort to opt for
happiness and still know I love you.

You mean so much to me,
I'm willing to take your abuse...

insults and insensitivity."

- Wow.
- She's deep.

"Because that's what you need to
do to prove I'm not gonna leave you.

I'm sick and tired of running from
places and people and relationships.

You want me,
then fight for me, beca...

Because I'm sure as hell
fighting for you.

I think we're both worth it."

You know, Jerry,
she sounds like a poet.

Boy, no one's ever written me
a letter like this.

Maybe I was wrong about her.

Get in there and give her a call.
Pick up the phone and call her.

- Should I?
- Yes, you're damn right you should!

Fight for her, Jerry!
She's sure the hell fighting for you!

All right!

I'll call her.

Don't go in there.
You're gonna get shot.

I told you.

- Yeah.
- It's George.

Come on up.

Well, now we gotta get
a posse together.

I love a good posse.

What's the appeal of the posse?

The appeal of the posse?

Posse has tremendous appeal.

Get away from the job, you camp out,
you're with friends.

Come on, it's a week-long game of
hide and go seek on horseback.

Hello, George.

Hey. Hey, Nina.

I owe you some money, don't I?

- Well, I really love that piece.
- Me too. Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

You know, in fact, I've been
thinking about it, and...

you know, I feel like
I'm stealing from you.

Five hundred dollars! This is
gonna be worth thousands soon.

You know what? On second thought,
I can't even accept this.

No, no, no. George, a deal's a deal.
I want you to have it.

This could be in a museum someday.
It's not safe with me.

It should really be
in a doorman building.

Honestly, George,
the money's not important.

Who said anything about money?

- Yeah.
- It's Elaine.

Come on up.

- Elaine?
- Yeah.

She does not believe in telephones,
does she?

She likes the pop-in.
I've told her how I hate the pop-in.

He likes the pop-in too.

Just popped in now.
I'm a big pop-in guy.

- He is.
- What about Kramer?

Huge pop-in guy.

Well, I was leaving anyway.
So we're on for tomorrow?

- Yeah.
- Okay. Bye.


Chatty gal.

Lippman's coming back tomorrow.
I'll be fired.

If he noticed it,
he would have called you.

No. He wants to torture me.

Will you give me the clicker?

I hate it when you have the clicker.
You're too fast.

Get out!
I'm a great clicker.

I have great instincts.

How dare you impugn my clicking.

You're all over the dial.
You don't know what you want.

You never stay on anything longer
than five seconds. Just give me that.

- Let go.
- Come on. I want it, Jerry!

- Let go, Elaine!
- Then let George do it!

- George can't click!
- Give it to me!

Give it! Give it! Give it!


Maybe I can't...

analyse and theorize and...

speculate on why we...

Wait a second. Go back to that.
Go back to that.

Hey, you read all those books,
not me.

It's Chapter Two.
It's Neil Simon.

But one thing I do know.

I know how I feel.

Wait a second.
Wait a second!

- What?
- My God. The letter. That's the letter!

- What letter?
- This is the letter she wrote to me.

She stole it from the movie!

Because you don't even make...

"The slightest effort
to opt for happiness...

and still know that I love you!"

This is incredible.

I always thought there was something
funny about this letter.

She's copied it right out of
Chapter Two.

She's a thief! A bunco artist.

Maybe I won't send her that check.

You know, it's not really that terrible.

What are you talking about? She
completely misrepresented herself.

I don't opt for happiness.
I opt for happiness.

James Caan doesn't
opt for happiness.

Yeah. Yeah.

She wouldn't take the cap off?

No. But didn't she know they
were the owner's seats?

Oh, that's unbelievable.

Yeah, okay. All right, Lenny.

Thanks again.

Take care.

That's Lenny West, my accountant,
who's a hell of a guy.

He handles the Yankees too.
It's his biggest account.

So every once in a while,
they throw him a couple of seats...

and last weekend,
he gave them to his daughter.

She's an artist, by the way.

her daughter gives them
to some friends, you know?

One of her friends shows up...

wearing a Baltimore cap.

You're from Baltimore, right?

It's Towson.
That's near Baltimore.

But you're an Oriole fan, right?

Well, fan...
You know, my father...

Anyway, she refused
to take the cap off.

She caused a whole big scene.

Really? That's so impudent.

Yeah. So Lenny gave me
the tickets for tomorrow night.

I'm inviting Frank and Marsha.
Want you to come.

I've got plans, though, Mr. Lippman.

Well, break them.

You missed the bris.
I want you at the game.

Okay. Okay.

- Good.
- Okay, Mr. Lippman.

And, Elaine, you know the Baltimore
cap you got in your office...

wear it. I'm gonna have
a little fun with him.

That will be fun.

How's it coming?

Good. Good.

Seen any good movies lately?

No. Not really.

- You?
- No.

I like a good comedy.

You know, like a Neil Simon.

- You like Neil Simon?
- Neil Simon?

Some of his stuff.

I've seen most of it.

I guess my favourite
would have to be...

Chapter Two.

Have you ever seen that?

I don't know. Maybe.

I have.

Funny. Funny.

In fact, it was on TV
just the other night.

Happened to catch it.

I couldn't help but notice...

a stunning similarity...

Well, we've made our decision.

We want the Kramer.

Five thousand? Why would anybody
buy Kramer for $5000?

Boy, the Yankees cannot
buy a hit tonight.

So is it all over between you
and Marsha Mason?


And by the way, can you get
this thing out of my house?

I'll make a deal with you.

- I'll sell it to you for 10 bucks.
- Please.

Seems to be a lot of trouble in the
area just behind the Yankee dugout.

Behind the dugout? That's where
we were sitting the other night.

We're not gonna show it, don't want
to encourage that kind of behaviour.

It's a young lady, and she's really
going at it with the security guard.

She's a feisty one. They're getting the
other security guard to come down.

How do you like that, Seaver?

And, boy, she's something,
and a Baltimore fan at that.

Holy cow!

When I was 17, I ran away from home
and hopped a steamship to Sweden.

- This steak is excellent, by the way.
- More potatoes?

Yeah, yeah, sure. Please.

Yes, yes, go on. You hopped
a steamship to Sweden?

It was a big one.

Baseball season's starting.
I'm very excited about that.

Did you ever sneak down
to better seats at the game...

and get caught by the usher?

When you're a kid, you're getting
chased from every place anyway.

When you're an adult,
it's really embarrassing.

You have to pretend like there's
some confusion.

You put on this whole act.
You're looking at the tickets.

"I don't understand how this
could have happened.

Let me see. I see the problem.

These are very good seats.
I have very bad seats.

That's the misunderstanding."