Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 3, Episode 20 - The Good Samaritan - full transcript

I would say the concept behind the
car phone and the phone machine,

the speakerphone, airline
phone, portable phone...

pay phone, cordless phone,
multiline phone...

the phone pager, the call waiting...

call forwarding, conferencing, speed
dialling, direct dialling and redialling...

is that we all have
absolutely nothing to say...

and we've got to talk to someone
about it right now.

Cannot wait another second.

You're at home, you're on the phone.

You're in the car making calls.

You get to work,
"Any messages for me?"



You gotta give people
a chance to miss you a little!

It's bad enough you have a car phone.
You have to use the speaker?

It's safer. Plus, it's more annoying
to the other person.

- Oh, look at this guy.
- What's going on?

A guy's trying to get in front of me,
has to ask permission. Yes.

Go ahead. Get in, get in.

- Did you get a thank-you wave?
- No, nothing.

How could you not
give a thank-you wave?

Hey, buddy, where's
my thank-you wave?

Give me that wave!

- Hey, Jerry, are you free on Friday?
- Yeah, I'm free. Why?

Oh, God. I bumped into
Robin Sandusky today.

She asked me to have dinner
with her and her husband.

Oh, my God.



You won't believe what I saw.
A car just bashed into a parked car...

and sped off, right on my block.

- You've got to follow that car.
- What?

- You can't let him get away with that.
- The guy could be dangerous.

- What are you, yellow?
- I'm not yellow.

Jerry, if you don't follow him,
you're yellow.

- Wait. He stopped. He's parking.
- What?

What? I can't hear you. Jerry?

Excuse me.

I was driving behind you, you know...

a few blocks back, and l...
I couldn't...

help... Maybe you didn't realize l...

l... I witnessed that...

your... Your left rear tire's
a little low.

That can affect the performance
of the twin l-beam suspension...

not to mention, you know,
your rack-and-pinion steering.

So I wound up going out
for a decaf cappuccino with her.

Boy, what a story.

I'm speechless, speechless.
I have no speech.

You know, I really liked her.
We talked, we flirted.

And when she laughed,
she'd reach out and touch my arm.

Love when they touch your arm.
I can't get enough of that.

- Me either.
- Why is that?

Let's not even analyse it.

- So you didn't turn her in.
- I couldn't go though with it.

- You gonna see her again?
- Friday night.

- Yeah.
- It's me.

Come on up.

By the way, Elaine does not
need to know about anything.

Hey, hey, hey.

I dig.

- Oh, you dig?
- Yes.

- I see enormous potential here.
- Why?

Because great couples always have
a great story about how they met.

That's why I've never been in
a long-term relationship.

I never had a good meeting story.

I wonder if I'm nuts
for pursuing this woman at all.

I don't think so.

Look, she slammed
into a parked car.

She took no responsibility for
mutilating the property of a stranger...

and then she sped off
like a criminal.

On the other hand...

should she never be
allowed to date again?

Scratch one car and you're
forbidden to have social contact...

for the rest of your life?

What am I drinking, milk?

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Sweater.
- Thank you.

So? What happened?

- With what?
- With the car.

What car?

The hit-and-run.

Oh, right, right, right.

Well...

actually, the guy
went into Queens.

Queens?

- You followed him over the bridge?
- Over the bridge.

Oh, l... I didn't know you
went into Queens, Jerry.

Yeah, Queens.

So? Then what?

He gets out of the car. I said,
"Hey, buddy, I saw you hit that car."

So he says to me:

"What are you gonna do about it?"

So I said to him,
"Whatever's necessary."

I am speechless.

I am without speech.

Tell her about the shoving.

What?

What shoving?

- Oh, it was nothing.
- No.

Tell her.

Come on. Tell me.

Well, he kind of lost his temper...

and he was pushing me
up against the car...

so I went into a karate stance.

- You know karate?
- I know a little.

Well, l... This is so amazing to me.

Jerry, what did he do?

He backed off.

He was pretty pathetic, actually.

Hey.

- Did you tell Kramer?
- No.

What, what? Tell me.

Jerry saw this guy smash into a car,
and he followed him.

Good for you.

What kind of a sick lowlife
would do a thing like that?

You know, those people,
you know they're mentally disturbed.

They should be sent to Australia.

- Australia?
- That's where England...

used to send their convicts.

- But not anymore.
- No.

Hey, Kramer?

Kramer.

- What happened to you right here?
- I don't know.

You know, I was watching
Entertainment Tonight...

and suddenly, you know,
I got dizzy...

and the next thing I know,
I hit my head on the coffee table.

- Well, that is... That is strange.
- Yeah, it's...

All right. Oh, Jerry, we're still on
for Friday night, right?

Oh, Friday. No, I can't.
I'm sorry. I have a date.

- But last night you said you were free.
- We just met.

You know, maybe it was
a reaction to the sardines.

I... I can't go alone.

Ask George to go with you.

George, come on. I'll pay for you.

You'll pay? I'm there.

- Why do you need anybody?
- Because...

I hate being at a table alone
with a married couple...

talking about their married friends
and their married furniture.

They're always trying to make me
feel like their life is so much better.

You know, I have a very exciting life.

It's very exciting.

You went out with a bullfighter?

Yeah, yeah.
Well, an ex-bullfighter now.

- Wow.
- What was his name?

His name? His name was... Was...

Eduardo...

Caroccio.

Pass the salt, please.

Where did you meet him?

Actually, I met him in Switzerland...

and he was fighting...

Is that the word they use, "fighting"?
They don't really fight the bull.

They avoid fighting the bull.

Bread.

Oh, I just love meeting
new people, you know?

That's how you really
do learn about life.

- God bless you.
- Thank you.

I wasn't gonna say anything, but I
saw he wasn't gonna open his mouth.

You know who's a good actor?
Anthony Quinn.

Oh, Anthony Quinn. Fine actor.

But from what I understand,
not a very good driver.

Hits everything on the road,
but always leaves a note.

Did you ever see Zorba the Greek?

Excellent film. In fact...

Quinn said he never felt so good...

as when he left a note
after smacking into a car.

Come here.

Really, I was only kidding around.

He was only joking, Michael.

You think you're special
because you say, "God bless you"?

I don't think I'm special. My mother
always said I'm not special.

He was only joking, Michael.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, right.

- Take his side!
- I'm not taking his side.

- Well, whose side are you taking?
- Well, I'm not taking your side!

Kirk Douglas. Now, there's
another very bad driver.

But he's such an unbelievable guy...

when he hits someone,
he doesn't leave a note.

He sits in his car
and waits for the other person...

so he can exchange license,
registration and apologize.

I said, "God bless you."
Was that so wrong?

The question is...

did you allow a space...

for the husband to come in
with his "God bless you"?

Because as the husband,
he has the right of first refusal.

- Yeah.
- It's me.

- Come on up.
- Yes.

Yes. I definitely waited.

But let me say this.

Once he passes on that option...

that "God bless you"
is up for grabs.

No argument, unless she's
one of these multiple sneezers...

and he's holding his
"God bless you" in abeyance...

until she completes the series.

I don't think she is
a multiple sneezer...

because she sneezed again later
and it was also a single.

What if she's having an off night?

- Hi.
- Hi.

Well.

If it isn't Mr. Gesundheit.

Oh, yeah. Like there's
something wrong...

with saying, "God bless you."

I was raised to say, "God bless you."

Shut up.

What does it mean anyway,
"God bless you"?

It's a stupid "stuperstition."

A stupid what?

Whatever.

You wanna make a person feel better,
you shouldn't say, "God bless you."

You should say,
"You're so good-looking."

Yeah. Yeah. That's better
than "God bless you."

Anyway, she left a message on my
machine. She wants you to call her.

- Who?
- Robin.

Why?

Well, I assume she called to apologize.
That's why she called me.

Entertainment Tonight is on.

- Where's the phone?
- Bedroom.

Hey, grab Jerry's sweater
for me, would you?

Georgia peach Marla Maples
reportedly threw...

yet another stiletto heel at...

What's it like out?

It's chilly out.

Should I take a sweater?

Yeah. You could take
a sweater if you want.

A scarf?

No. Hey, shut this off.
Shut it off.

- What's the matter? What's going on?
- What happened?

- What?
- I think I hit my head again.

- What is wrong?
- Hey, hey, wait a minute.

Let me ask you something, Kramer.

The last time you hit your head,
was Mary Hart on TV?

- Yeah.
- That is it!

- What?
- That is it!

Mary Hart's voice! Don't you see?

There's something
about Mary Hart's voice...

that's giving you seizures.

Just like... Just like...
Just like that woman in Albany!

Mary Hart!

- Oh, my God.
- What?

Well, she apologized,
and she wanted to know...

if we could get together
Wednesday afternoon.

- Get together?
- Maybe she just wants to talk to me.

Married women don't get together.

They have affairs.

Oh, my God, an affair.

It's so adult.

It's like with stockings and martinis
and William Holden and...

On the other hand, it probably
wouldn't cost me any money.

Are you actually considering this?

I can't have an affair with a married
woman. That's despicable!

It's like hitting a car and driving away
without leaving a note.

Yeah.

Hey, you know who owns that car?

- What car?
- The one that was hit the other night.

- Yeah, who?
- That blond across the street.

The one with the long ponytail,
she wears those blue sweatpants.

The blond with the blue sweatpants.

Yeah, I think I've seen her.

Well, I gotta get going.

I'm meeting a guy
with grey sweatpants.

Wait, wait, wait. How do
you know it's not John Tesh?

- The blond with the blue sweatpants!
- Who is she?

I had a crush on her for a year!
I've been afraid to approach her.

She belongs on one of these
Hallmark cards.

Oh, right! Right!
The blue sweatpants!

It's too bad you can't say
anything because of Angela.

Yeah.

Too bad.

Angela.

Lousy thug.

What kind of sick person
does something like that?

The woman belongs in prison!

I mean, I actually owe it to society
to do something about this!

I can't sit by and allow this to go on!

- It's a moral issue, is what it is.
- Can't compromise your principles.

- How can I live?
- Can't live.

I'm not religious, but I know
where to draw the line.

This country needs
more people like you.

Don't sell yourself short,
saying, "God bless you"...

to every Tom, Dick and Harry,
at great personal risk.

- I believe strongly in that. You know.
- There should be more people like us.

That's why the world's
in the shape that it's in.

You're telling me.

I just want you to know
I'm gonna do everything I can...

to make sure the party responsible
is made responsible...

or something very close to that.

Well, God bless you.

Thank you very much.

Oh, my God. I must be crazy.
What have I done?

- Oh, no. What's wrong?
- What's wrong?

I'll tell you what's wrong.
I just committed adultery.

You didn't commit adultery. I did.

Oh, yeah.

If I didn't do it with you, I would have
done it with someone else.

Well, I wouldn't want you to do that.
There's a lot of losers out there.

Maybe even someone who didn't say,
"God bless you."

Well, that's a given.

In three years with Michael,
not one "God bless you."

Must be hell living in that house.

- Hi, it's Michael.
- Hi, Michael.

- Is Robin there?
- Robin? No, why?

She said she was gonna be with you.

No, I haven't spoken to her all da...

Yeah, right.

As a... As a matter of fact...

She... She was here and she...
She left a note...

but l... I wasn't here, but l...
I have the note right here.

If she's not with you, where is she?

Well, l... I don't know.

Is she with your bald friend
from the other night?

No. No.

Come on, Michael.

He's finished. I'm gonna
sew his ass to his face!

I'm gonna twist his neck so hard
his lips will be his eyebrows!

I'm gonna break his joints
and reattach them!

You're so good-looking.

Now, you listen to me, suck-face!

You tell anybody anything...

and I will carve my initials
in your brain tissue.

- Let me rephrase...
- I'll bash your skull in...

like a bad cabbage,
and I'll have a party on your head!

- Elaine. This is Angela.
- I'll pluck your body hairs out...

with my teeth!

Well, I think I get the gist of it.

So you don't say anything
to anybody...

about me hitting that car.

What car?

Good.

- I'm glad we understand each other.
- It's not complicated.

Very nice meeting you.

Come on up.

Well, well, Mr. Seinfeld...

that must have been
so frightening...

when you confronted
that guy in Queens.

Now, let me just see
if I've got the scenario right.

- All right, Elaine.
- No, no, no...

because I'm picturing...
What? What?

French Connection kind of thing.

You know, sort of a Popeye Doyle
chase through the city.

- It was just a couple of blocks.
- Oh, no, no.

Come on. Don't be so modest.

- Hey.
- Oh.

Did you check your machine?

No. Why? What's happened?

Michael called me today,
and he asked me where Robin was.

- Yeah, okay.
- And I said I hadn't seen her.

- What?
- No, George, you don't understand.

She didn't tell me
she was using me as an excuse.

Okay? But then I realized
what was going on...

and I said that she left a note.

But he didn't really buy that.

And then... And then
he did mention your name.

He mentioned my name?
What did he say?

He said he was gonna...

sew your ass to your face.

What?

- Why couldn't you think of something?
- I don't know! He caught me off guard!

You lie! How hard is it to lie!

It's not that hard.

Well, who told you
to sleep with her, George?

Not my fault.
I wasn't gonna do anything...

until you got her juiced up with your
story about the affair with the matador!

None of this would have happened
if you hadn't said, "God bless you"!

- Don't start.
- Hold it, hold it, hold it, people.

- Matador?
- Oh, God.

What matador?

She told them she had
an affair with a matador.

A matador.

Well, well.

Pray tell, what was
the young man's name?

Eduardo Caroccio.

Eduardo...

Caroccio.

That's good. That's very good.
Kind of just rolls off the tongue.

Where on the Upper West Side
might a single girl meet a matador?

- Perhaps, Zabar's.
- No.

Or Ray's Pizza.

This person told me to tell you
to get an estimate on the damage.

I already got an estimate. It's $875.

$875?

That's right.

Well, I'll tell you what.

I'll give you a check, and then
this person can pay me back.

Who do I make it out to?

Becky Gelke. G-E-L-K-E.

So, what are you doing this weekend?

You have got some nerve.

You smash up my car,
you don't admit it...

and now you want to ask me out?

- I didn't do it!
- Yeah, right.

You are so good-looking.

Thank you.

Jerry, let's go. You ready?

You really want to do this?
I'm on the road for three weeks.

Excuse me, I've got a maniac
stalking me. I'm not staying in the city.

- All right.
- Come on, let's get out of here.

How could you?

- What?
- I never thought you were capable.

- What did I do?
- I talked to Becky Gelke outside.

She told me you hit and ran.

I don't even want to
look at you anymore!

All these years of friendship, and
you're... You're nothing but a felon!

You're an embarrassment
to the building.

I didn't do it. I just had to pay her
to cover for somebody else.

- You're not gonna lie to me, are you?
- No. Never.

All right. I'm glad we got that
straightened out...

because I got a date with her.

You got a date with Becky Gelke?

- I'm going out with her Saturday.
- Can we get out of here?

If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have
had an excuse to talk to her.

Well, I'm happy to help
in any way that I can.

Liz Taylor...

A man is paralysed, mentally,
by a beautiful woman.

Advertisers really
take advantage of this.

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