Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 3, Episode 17 - The Boyfriend: Part 1 - full transcript

In the first hour-long episode, Jerry hooks up with Keith Hernandez at the gym. He tries to meet with Keith only to be shunned because Keith is infatuated with Elaine. George tries to keep his unemployment money coming in when he tells the unemployment officer that he got a job with "Vandelay Industries", a company that manufactures latex. Kramer and Newman recall an incident in which Keith spit on them after a really bad Mets game. The details of the incident strangely mirror that of the JFK assassination.

At the health club,
people are working out...

and they're training,
getting in shape...

but strangely, nobody's really
getting in shape for anything.

The only reason that you're
getting in shape...

is that so you can get through
the workout.

So we're working out...

so that we'll be in shape
for when we have to do our exercise.

This is the whole thing.

The other thing I don't get
is why we're so careful...

about locking up our dirty towels
and smelly jockstraps.

What exactly is the black market
on these disgusting gym clothes?

I?ll give my car to any guy
in front of a restaurant...

because he's got a short
red jacket.

"He must be the valet guy."

But my stinking,
putrefied gym clothes...

I got one of these locks...

you could put a bullet through it
and it won't open.

That stuff is safe.

Wide open!
I was wide-open underneath.

I had three inches on that guy.

See, you two were hogging the ball.

Me? It wasn't me.
I never even saw the ball.

All you do is dribble.

I have to dribble. lf I give it to you,
you just shoot. You're a chucker.

- Oh, I?m a chucker.
- That's right.

Every time you get the ball,
you shoot.

I can't believe you
called me a chucker.

No way I?m a chucker! I do not chuck.
Never chuck!

Never have chucked!
Never will chuck! No chuck!

You chuck.

- Kramer, am I a chucker?
- Oh, you're a chucker.

My God, I?m a chucker.

- All these years, you never told me?
- It's not an easy thing to bring up.

Hey, you know, this is the first time
we ever saw each other naked?

Believe me, I didn't see anything.

Oh, you didn't sneak a peek?

- No. Did you?
- Yeah, I snuck a peek.

- Why?
- Why not?

What about you, George?

Yeah, l...

snuck a peek.

But it was so fast, I didn't see
anything. It was just a blur.

I made a conscious effort not to look.

There's certain information
I just don't wanna have.


I gotta go meet Newman.

- I?ll see you later. Have a good one.
- All right.


Look at this guy.

Does he have to stretch in here?

- You know who that is?
- Who?

That's Keith Hernandez.

Keith Hernandez,
the baseball player?

Yeah, that's him.

- Are you sure?
- Positive.

Wow! Keith Hernandez!

- He's such a great player.
- Yeah.

He's a real smart guy too.
He's a Civil War buff.

Wow, I?d love to be a Civil War buff.

What do you have to do
to become a buff?

So Biff wants to be a buff?

Well, sleeping less than 18 hours
a day would be a start.

I only got two weeks left
of unemployment.

I gotta prove I?ve been looking
for a job to get an extension.

Hey, should we say something
to him?

Oh, I?m sure he loves to hear
from fans in the locker room.

Well, he could say hello to me.
I wouldn't mind.

He's Keith Hernandez.

You're Jerry Seinfeld.

- So?
- What, you're comparing yourself...

to Keith Hernandez?

The guy's a baseball player,
Jerry, baseball!

I know what he is. I recognized him.
You didn't even notice him.

What, you're making some wisecracks
in a nightclub?

The guy was in game six, two runs
down, two outs, facing elimination!

Excuse me.

I don't want to disturb you.
I?m Keith Hernandez.

And I just want to tell you what
a big fan I am. I love your comedy.

- Really?
- I?ve always wanted to do what you do.

Do what I do?! You're one
of my favorite ballplayers of all time!

Mine too.

- I love that bit about Jimmy Olsen.
- Really?

Thank you.

You know, Keith,
what I?ve always wondered is...

with all these ball clubs
flying around all season...

wouldn't you think
there'd be a plane crash?

Are you performing in New York now?

At this club on the East Side.
You should come in.

But think about it:
26 teams, 162 games a season.

You'd think eventually, an entire team
would just get wiped out.

I live on the East Side.

I?ll give you my number...

and just tell me whenever
you want to go.

- Or maybe just get together for coffee.
- Oh, that'd be great.

Well, it's only a matter of time.

Who's this chucker?

It?s been three days,
and he hasn't called.

Well, maybe you should call him.

I can't. I can't.

- Why not?
- I just feel like he should call me.

What's the difference?

You don't understand, Elaine.
I don't want to be overanxious.

If he wants to see me,
he has my number. He should call.

God, look at this ashtray.
I hate cigarettes.

I can't stand these guys.

You give your number to them,
and then they don't call.

Why do they do that?

I?m sorry, honey.

I mean, I really thought he liked me.
We were getting along.

He came over to me.
I didn't go over to him.

- I know.
- Why did he come over to me?

I mean, here I meet this great guy,
this ballplayer...

- best guy I ever met.
- Yeah. I know.

Well, that's it. I?m never giving
my number out to another guy again.

I?ve given my number out to guys,
and it takes them a month to call.

Good. Good.
Well, if he's calling in a month...

he's got a prayer.

You know, maybe he's been busy.
Maybe he's been out of town.

Oh, what, they don't have phones
out of town?

I love how people say
they're too busy. "Too busy."

Pick up a phone!

Takes two minutes.
How can you be too busy?

- Why don't you just go and call him?
- I can't call here. It?s a coffee shop.

- I mean, what am I gonna say to him?
- Just ask if he wants to get together.

For what, dinner?

Dinner's good.

Don't you think that's coming on a little
too strong? Isn't that, like, a turnoff?

Jerry, he's a guy.

I know, but this is all very confusing.

When you're in your 30s,
it's very hard to make a new friend.

Whatever the group is you've got now,
that's who you're going with.

You're not interviewing,
not looking at any new people.

You're not interested in seeing
any applications.

They don't know the places.
They don't know the foods.

They don't know the activities.

If I meet a guy at a club or a gym:
"Hey, look, I?m sure you're very nice.

You seem to have a lot of potential.
We're just not hiring right now."

When you're a kid...

you can be friends with anybody.
Remember when you're a little kid...

what are the qualifications? "lf
someone's in front of my house...

that's my friend.
They're my friend. That's it.

Are you a grownup?
No? Great. Come on in!

Let's jump up and down on my bed!"
And if you have anything in common:

"You like cherry soda? I like
cherry soda! We'll be best friends!"

You only have two more weeks
before your benefits run out.

Yes, and I was hoping, perhaps,
to get...

a 13-week extension,
if that's possible.

So where have you been looking
for work?

You know what I?ve discovered,
Mrs. Sokol?

It?s not so much the looking...

as the listening.

I listen for work.
As I?m looking...

and listening... I?m also looking.
You cannot discount looking.

It?s a combination.
It?s looking. And listening.

Listening. And looking.
But you must look.

Can you be specific
about any of these companies?

Specific. Let's see....

I?ve walked in and out
of so many buildings.

They all blend in together.

Just give me one name.

One name. Absolutely.

Let's see, there's....

Vandalay Industries.

I just saw them. I got very close there.
Very close.

What type of company is that?

Latex. Latex manufacturing,
Mrs. Sokol.

- And you interviewed there?
- Yes, for a sales position.

Latex salesman.

The selling of latex
and latex-related products.

They just wouldn't give me a chance.
Damn it!

Now I?m going to need an address
and a phone number for this...

Vandalay company.

You like gum?

Because I have a friend in the gum
business. I got a gum guy!

I make one phone call, have boxes
of gum delivered right to your door.

The address?

The address is....

Jose Jimenez.
Do you recognize that?

- No.
- Jose Jimenez.

Very funny.
Really, he's very funny.

The address.

Vandalay is...

129 West 81 st Street.
It?s a very small industry, Vandalay.

It?s why I wanted
to work for them.

A phone number.

That's... KL5...

8383. Are you planning on
calling them soon?

Because they have
very strange hours.

As soon as I?m done with you.

Sure. Well....

You know, I?ll check in with you
next week.

I gotta run now because
I got a full plate this afternoon.

- Okay.
- All right. Really good to....

He'll call you back!

It?s a par five.

So, you know, I step up to the tee...

and I hit a beautiful drive
right down the middle of the fairway.

- I mean, you know my hook, right?
- Elaine?

How about this shirt?
Is this okay?

Jerry, he's a guy.

Well, it's a dogleg left,
so I play the hook.

Wait, hold on.
There's another call.

- Jerry! Jerry!
- George?

- Kramer, put Jerry on!
- I?m in the middle of something.

- Call back.
- Kramer, no... !

So the ball takes off,
and I?m waiting for it to turn.

Would you...!

All right. Well, I?ll talk to Jerry.

Hey, that was Michael and Carol.

She's wondering when
we'll go see the baby.

- See the baby. Again with the baby.
- Who are they?

A guy who used to live in the building
keeps calling us to see the baby.

"You gotta see the baby.
When are you gonna see the baby?"

Can't they just send us a tape?

Maybe if you wait a few months,
it won't be a baby anymore.

- Then you won't have to see it.
- Because he'll be all grown-up.


Hey, Kramer, what do you think
of this shirt?

It?s too busy.

You're trying too hard
to make an impression on him.

- You're not being yourself.
- What guy?

I know he's just a guy,
but I really like him.

Who are you talking about?

Keith... Hernandez.

Keith Hernandez?

Keith Hernandez!

Do me a favor, would you?
Would you change lanes?

You gotta get out of this lane.
This lane stinks.

They're all double-parked.
Get out, I?m begging you.

Please. Please!

You know what?

Bad mistake. My mistake.

Go back. Your lane was better.
Forget this lane.

This lane stinks. Go back to your lane.
Go ahead. Bad mistake.

Go! Go! Go! Make this light!
Make this light! Oh, man!

That's it! Get out!

- What do you mean, get out?
- Get out of the cab!

What? I?m not getting out of this cab.

No! No! You cannot throw me out!

No! Get....

Hello, Newman.

I hate Keith Hernandez.

- Hate him!
- I despise him.

- Why?
- Why? I?ll tell you why.

- Let me tell her.
- No, you can't...

- You always tell.
- All right, tell it.

- Just tell it.
- All right.

June 14th, 1987, Mets-Phillies.

We're enjoying a beautiful afternoon
in the right-field stands...

when a crucial Hernandez error
opens the door...

to a five-run Phillies ninth.
Cost the Mets the game!

Our day was ruined.

There was a lot of people waiting
by the players' parking lot.

Now we're coming down the ramp.

Newman was in front of me.

Hernandez was coming toward us.

As he passes us, Newman turns
and says, "Nice game, pretty boy."

Hernandez continued past us
up the ramp.

Then, a second later,
something happened...

that changed us in a very deep
and profound way...

from that day forward.

- What was it?
- He spit on us!

And I screamed out, "I'm hit!"

Then I turned, and the spit ricocheted
off him, and it hit me.

What a story.

Unfortunately, the immutable laws
of physics contradict...

the whole premise of your account.

Allow me to reconstruct this,
if I may, for Ms. Benes...

as I?ve heard this story
a number of times.

Newman, Kramer,
if you'll indulge me.

According to your story...

Hernandez passes you
and starts walking up the ramp.

Then you say you were struck...

on the right temple.

The spit then proceeds to ricochet...

off the temple, striking Newman
between the third and the fourth rib.

The spit then came off the rib...

made a right turn,
hitting Newman in the right wrist...

causing him to drop
his baseball cap.

The spit then splashed off the wrist,

in midair, mind you...

makes a left turn and lands
on Newman's left thigh.

That is one magic loogie.

Well, that's the way it happened.

What happened to your head
when you got hit?

Well, my head...

went back, to the left.

- Say that again.
- Back and to the left.

Back and to the left.

Back and to the left.

So, what are you saying?

I?m saying...

that the spit could not have
come from behind.

That there had to have been
a second spitter.

Behind the bushes,
on the gravelly road.

If the spitter was behind you,
as you claim...

that would've caused your head
to pitch forward.

So the spit could've only come
from the front and to the right.

But that's not what they
would have you believe.

I?m leaving.

Jerry's a nut.

Wait, wait, wait.

The sad thing is,
we may never know the real truth.

Did anybody call
asking for Vandalay Industries?

- No, what happened to you?
- All right, listen closely:

I was at the unemployment office.

I told them I was very close to getting
a job with Vandalay Industries...

and I gave them your phone number.
So when the phone rings...

you have to answer,
"Vandalay Industries."

- I?m Vandalay Industries?
- Right.

- What is that?
- You're in latex.

- Latex?
- Right.

- What do I do with latex?
- I don't know! You manufacture it!

- Right here in this little apartment?
- And what do I say about you?

You're considering hiring me
for your latex salesman.

- I?ll hire you as my latex salesman?
- Right.

I don't think so.

Why would I do that?

Because I asked you to.

If you think I?m looking for someone
to just sit...

pushing papers around,
you can forget it.

I?ve got enough headaches
just trying to manufacture the stuff.

- Yeah?
- It?s Keith.

All right, we're coming down.

Keith Hernandez?

- Yeah. Come on, Elaine, let's go.
- Where are you going?

They're giving me a ride downtown.

You know, there had to have been
a second spitter. Who was it?

Who had the motive?

That's what I?ve been trying
to figure out the past five years.

What the hell are you two
talking about?

- That was really fun. Thanks.
- Yeah, it really was.

Should I shake his hand?


You want to catch a movie
this weekend?

Have you seen JFK?

No, I haven't.

This weekend. Wow!

Sure. That would be great.

Damn. I was too overanxious.
He must have noticed that.

I mean, if you want to.

- Well, how about this Friday?
- Yeah, Friday's okay.

Go ahead, shake his hand.
I'm Jerry Seinfeld.

I've been on The Tonight Show.

Well, good night.

Good night.

Oh, Jer, by the way...

the woman we gave
a ride to earlier....

- Elaine.
- Yeah.

- What's her story?
- I don't know. We used to go out.

Would you mind if I gave her a call?

- For a date?
- Yeah.

Oh, no....

Go ahead.

You got a pen?

You sure you don't mind?

So then we went to dinner.

- Who paid?
- We split it.

Split it. Pretty good.

- Did you talk about game six?
- No. I gotta wait until it's the right time.

- Yeah?
- It's Elaine.

Come on up.

So then what?

Nothing. Then he took me home.

Shake his hand?


What kind of a shake does he have?

Good shake. Perfect shake.

Single pump, not too hard.

Didn't have to prove anything,
but firm enough to know he was there.


you're gonna see him again?

He asked me if I was doing anything
Friday night.

The weekend!

So then, as I was getting out
of the car...

- Hi!
- Oh, hi, Elaine.

Hi, Elaine.

So how was your date?

What date? It?s a guy.

So you know.... He called me.

- Already?
- Keith called you?

This guy really gets around.

- Do you mind?
- No, I don't mind. Why should I mind?

What did he say?

He asked me out for Saturday night.

- You going?
- No.

- I told him I was busy.
- Oh, really?

So we're going out Friday.

- Friday?
- Yeah.

He's going out with you on Friday?

- Yeah?
- He's supposed to see me on Friday.

- I didn't know.
- We made plans!

- Well... I?ll cancel it.
- No, don't cancel it.

Well, this is a little
awkward, isn't it?

Well, frankly, it is.

I?ve never seen you jealous before.

Well, you're not even a fan.
I was at game six.

You didn't even watch it.

Wait a second. Wait a minute.

Are you jealous of him
or are you jealous of me?

Any Hennigan's around here?

Vandalay Industries.

Kell Varnsen speaking.

May we help you?

Oh, hi, Keith.
No, I was just joking around.

No, no, I don't mind at all.

- No, no, no. I can cancel.
- Sure. We'll do something next week.

No, it's no problem at all.

Okay. Take it easy.

That was Keith.
We're gonna do something next week.

Hey, what are you doing
Friday night?

Friday night? Nothing. Now.

Want to come to see the baby?

Oh, fasten your seat belts.
We're going to see the baby.

If you don't see the baby now,
you're never gonna see her.

- All right, I?ll go.
- All right. All right.

I?ll get it.


What delay industries?

- No!
- Vandalay!

Say Vandalay!

No, you're way, way, way off!

Yeah, that's the right number,
but this is an apartment.

- No, say...
- Vandalay! Say...

Vandalay Industries!

Yeah, no problem, no problem.

How did you know who they wanted?!

And you want to be
my latex salesman.

Just sign here, please.

I know who it was too.
It was the guy that interviewed me.

He was very threatened by me.
Why else wouldn't he hire me?

- I could sell latex like that.
- Just sign that.

- Who is this?
- It?s my daughter.

This is your daughter?

My God!

My God!

I hope you don't mind my saying,
she is breathtaking.

You think so?

Would you take this picture away
from me? Just take it away.

Get it out of here.
Take it away, and put it away.

Let me just sign this and go.

You know...

she doesn't even have a boyfriend.

Okay. Okay.

Who do you think you're talking to?

You trying to make a joke,
Mrs. Sokol? It?s not funny.

I can tell you that.

I?m serious. She doesn't.

You know, it's one thing to not
give me the extension.

But to tease and
to torture me like this...

there's no call for that.

Would you like her phone number?

Mrs. Sokol,
I don't know what to say.

- Where should I sign this thing?
- No, no, no, no. Don't worry about it.

Unemployment, it's a tough thing.

Even if you get a job after
you've been unemployed...

they take unemployment out
of your check every week...

and show it to you in that little box.

How good can it be for your
confidence that every paycheck...

has the word "unemployment"
on it?

Can't get it out of your mind!
You just got the job!

They're already getting ready
for you to be laid off.

I have a friend who's unemployed.

He's collecting unemployment

This guy has never worked this hard
in his life to keep this thing going.

He's down there every week waiting
on the lines and getting interviewed...

and making up all these lies
about looking for jobs.

If they had any idea the effort
and energy that he is expending...

to avoid work, I?m sure they'd give
him a raise. I?m sure of it.

The guy is doing a tremendous job...

not working.

So tell me more
about this game six.

Well, there was two outs,
bottom of the tenth.

We're one out away
from losing the series.

Hello. How are you?

So, what do you think?

Do you love her?

Yes, I do love her.

You have a very nice place here.

So who do you think she looks like?

Lyndon Johnson.

What? Lyndon Johnson?

He's joking.

No, I?m not joking.
She looks like Lyndon Johnson.

Jerry, I can't believe it took you
so long to see the baby.

I kept saying to Michael, "When is
Jerry going to see the baby?"

I was saying the same thing.

Take a picture.
Michael, get the camera.

- You don't have to take a picture.
- I don't know where it is.

It?s in the bottom drawer
of our dresser.

Hurry up!

He's such an idiot.

Jerry, you want to pick her up?

- I better not.
- I?ll pick her up.


Thank you for a wonderful time,

Glad you enjoyed it.

I haven't had a Big Mac
in a long time.

Billions and billions.

Would you like to come up?

Would I like to come up?

I would love to come up.

I?m... I?m fighting not to.


Unfortunately, l...

I have to get an early start tomorrow.
Gotta get up and hit that pavement.

But it's Saturday.
All the offices are closed.

I got me an appointment
with a hardware store.

I?m not saying I want to do it
for the rest of my life...

but hardware fascinates me.

Wouldn't you love to make a key?

Will you call me as soon
as you get home?

- Tonight?
- Yes.

Will I call you when I get home?
What do you think?

You kill me. You really kill me.

Well, good night.

It was an accident. Right, Jerry?
It was an accident.

Oh, she's gonna be all right.

Here, baby. Here. Here, baby.

Baby, baby, baby.
Who's the baby?

I have a friend who's got a baby.

"Gotta see the baby.

You've got to come over
and see the baby."

Nobody ever wants you to come over
and see their grandfather, do they?

"You've got to see my grandfather.
You've got to see him.

He's so cute.

168 pounds, 4 ounces.
I love them when they're this age.

He's 1000 months.

You know, the mid 80s is such
a good time for the grand-people.

The mid 80s, you gotta see them.

He went to the bathroom
by himself today."

You know what's tough about seeing
people when they have a baby...

is that you have to match
their level of enthusiasm.

You know what I mean?
They're always so excited.

"What do you think of him?"

I?d like to meet a couple that goes:

"You know, we're not that happy
with him, frankly.

I think we really made a big mistake.
We should have got an aquarium.

You want him? We don't even
want him. You want him?"

Thanks for a nice evening.
This was really fun.

Yeah, it was.

Gosh, should I kiss her good night?

Is he going to try and kiss me?

- I love Cajun cooking.
- Really?

You know, my mom's
one-quarter Cajun.

Oh, my father's half-drunk.

Maybe they should get together.

Go ahead. Kiss her.

I'm a baseball player, damn it.

What's he waiting for?

I thought he was a cool guy.

Come on. I won the MVP in '79.
I can do whatever I want to.

Well, this is getting awkward.

Well, good night.

Good night.

Who does this guy think he is?

I'm Keith Hernandez.

Who else?

Mookie. Mookie was there.

You know him?

Well, I don't know him.
I know who he is.

He's such a great guy.
You should meet him.

- He's the one who got that hit...
- I know. He got the hit in game six!

So then what happened?

Nothing. The he took me home.

So did you two...



You know.


- No.
- Cookies?

Did he kiss you good night?

I don't know.

What do you mean, you don't know?

All right. He kissed me, okay?

Well, what kind of a kiss?

Was it a peck? Was it a kiss?
Was it a long make-out thing?

Between a peck and a make-out.

So you like him.

I don't understand.
Before you were jealous of me.

Now you're jealous of him?

I?m jealous of everybody.


Oh, hi. What's happening?



Yeah, okay.

Then.... I?ll see you then.

Yeah, yeah. Okay.


- Who was that?
- That was Keith.

- What's going on?
- He wants me to help him move.

Help him move?

Move what?

You know, furniture.

So, what did you say?

I said, yes, but I don't feel right
about it.

I mean, I hardly know the guy.

That's a big step
in a male relationship.

The biggest.
That's like going all the way.

And you feel you're not
really ready for...

Well, we went out one time.

Don't you think that's coming on
a little too strong?


What's going on?

Keith Hernandez just asked me
to help him move.


Well, you hardly know the guy.

What a nerve!

You see? Wasn't I right
about this guy? Didn't I tell you?

Oh, you're not gonna do it, are you?

- I said, yes.
- You said yes?!

Don't you have any pride
or self-respect?

I mean, how can you prostitute
yourself like this?

Are you gonna start driving him
to the airport?

I?m not driving him to the airport.

Oh, boy. I don't know.

- Kramer, do me a favor, would you?
- What?

Don't mention it to anybody.

I wish you never mentioned it to me.

I had a great time tonight, Carrie.

And I will call you
as soon as I get home.

Don't bother.

Bother? What kind of bother?

I would prefer it if you didn't.

- Why? Is anything wrong?
- It?s over, buddy. Done.

Finished. So long. Goodbye.
Adios. Sayonara.

- Why?
- I?ve been thinking about it.

You got no job.
You got no prospects.

You're like Biff Loman.

I went to the hardware store

You think I?m going to spend my life
with somebody...

because he can get me a deal
on a box of nails?

I thought we were a team.

If I ever need a drill bit, I?ll call you.

Carrie, could you do me a favor?

Could you not mention this
to your mother?

You know, I hate to brag...

but I did win 11 straight
Gold Gloves.

I wouldn't have brought it up,
but since you mentioned it.

I didn't mention it.

Well, I won them anyway.

Well, so what? I mean...

you played first base.

I mean, they always put
the worst player at first base.

That's where they put me,
and I stunk.

Elaine, you don't know the first thing
about first base.

Well, I know something
about getting to first base...

and I know you'll never be there.

The way I figure it,
I?ve already been there.

And I plan on rounding second
tonight at around 11:00.

Well, I?d watch the third-base coach
if I were you...

because I don't think
he's waving you in.

You know, I hate to say this...

but I really think that
we're hitting it off.

- Get it? Get it?
- Clever.

- What are you doing?
- What's that?

- You smoke?
- Yeah.

I didn't know you smoked.

Is that a problem?

She likes him.
I mean, she really likes him.

- How do you know?
- Who wouldn't like him?

I like him, and I?m a guy.

I suppose he's an attractive man.

Forget that. He's a ballplayer.
MVP, 1979.

I?m making wisecracks in some
nightclub. This guy was in game six.

They're a perfect match.
They go together.

Like one of these brother and sister
couples that look alike.

I hate those couples. I could never be
one of those couples.

There are no bald women around,
you know.

I know this sounds a little arrogant,
but I never thought she'd find...

someone she liked better
than me. But, you know...

I guess I had my chance.
And that's that.

You know what I?d like to do?

I?d really like to have sex
with a tall woman.

I mean really tall, like a giant.
Like 6'5".


What was the tallest woman
you ever slept with?

I don't know, 6'3".

Wow! God!

See, this is all I think about:
Sleeping with a giant.

It?s my life's ambition.

So I guess it's fair to say you've set
different goals for yourself than...

say, Thomas Edison, Magellan,
these type of people.

Magellan? You like Magellan?

Oh, yeah. My favorite explorer.
Around the world. Come on.

- Who do you like?
- I like de Soto.

- De Soto? What did he do?
- Discovered the Mississippi.

Oh, like they wouldn't have found
that anyway.

All right. I gotta go down
to the unemployment office.

- You want to take a walk?
- No, I got some stuff to do.

I gotta meet Keith at my apartment
at 3. I?m helping him move.


The guy asked you to help him move?

- I know. Isn?t that something?
- Why doesn't he just pay a mover?

He's got some valuable antiques.
He's worried they'll break something.

Soon he'll have you driving him
to the airport.

I?m not driving him to the airport!

I gave. I gave everything I could,
Mrs. Sokol.

- Nothing was good enough for her.
- Sign here, please.

I don't know who she's looking for.
I don't know.

I?ll tell you, she's very particular,
your daughter. Very particular.

Is she looking for some
big hotshot businessman?

Well, I?ve got my pride too.
I?m not gonna beg her.

All right. Just sign it.
People are waiting.

You like baseball?

That was autographed
by the '86 Mets.

I saw every inning that year.

It?s funny, because I happen to be
very good friends with...

Keith Hernandez.

You know Keith Hernandez.

Know him?

Would you... like to meet him?

Oh, come on. Come on.

I can produce Keith Hernandez,
right here...

within the hour.

All right.

You got one hour.

All right, Mrs. S.

I and my good pal
Keith Hernandez...

will be right back.

129 West 81 st Street, and hurry.

Or not.

You better bring your gloves.
It?s freezing out there.

It shouldn't take too long.
I?d say maybe, oh, four hours.

Really, Jerry, there's not that much.
First, we got the bedroom.

We got two dressers and the bed.

- Is there a box spring?
- What's that?

- A box spring?
- Yeah, there's a box spring.

But it's attached to the headboard,
and we'll have to take that apart.

Then we got the couch.

- Is that a sectional?
- Yeah, 12 pieces.

- A marble coffee table.
- Is that a thick marble?

Three inches thick.
Got it in Italy.

But the big problem is gonna be
the convertible sofa.

When you move it,
it tends to open up...

so it's going to be difficult
getting it downstairs.


- There's no elevator?
- No, it's a brownstone. Three floors.

- I?m sorry, I can't do this.
- What?

I can't do it! I can't!
It?s too soon.

I don't know you.

I can't help you move, I?m sorry.
I can't! I just can't.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Oh, you don't remember me.

- No. Should l?
- Yeah, yeah, you should...

because I certainly remember you.

Let me refresh your memory.

June 14th, 1987.

Mets-Phillies. You made a big error.
Cost the Mets the game.

Then you're coming up
the parking lot ramp.

You said, "Nice game, pretty boy."

- You remember.
- And then you spit on us.

- Hey, I didn't spit at you.
- Yeah, right.

- No, no. Then who was it?
- Look, the way I remember it...

I was walking up the ramp.
I was upset about the game.

That's when you called me
"pretty boy. "

Hey, that ticked me off.
I was turning to say something...

and as I turned around...

I saw Roger McDowell behind
the bushes over by that gravelly road.

Anyway, he was talking to someone,
and they were pointing at you.

I tried to scream out,
but it was too late.

It was already on its way.

I told you.

- It was McDowell.
- But why? Why McDowell?

Maybe because we were sitting
in the right-field stands...

cursing at him in the bullpen
all game.

He must have caught a glimpse of us
when I poured that beer on his head.

- It was McDowell.
- Oh, boy.

- Look, Keith, we're sorry.
- Yeah, I couldn't be sorrier.

Guys, don't worry about it.

- Well, I guess I better get going.
- What are you doing?

- I gotta move.
- You want any help?

- I?d love some. You sure?
- I?d love to help you.

Yeah, me too!

Okay, guys. We got to be careful
of one thing.

Some of the stuff is very fragile
We'll have to handle it like a baby.

Hey, no sweat.


Oh, hi, Elaine. What's going on?

No, he just left.

You broke up with him?

Me too!

What happened?

Oh, smoking. You know, you're like
going out with C. Everett Koop.

Me? No.
I couldn't go through with it.

I just didn't feel ready.

So, what are you doing now?

Oh, great idea. Okay.

I?ll meet you there in, like,
30 minutes.

Okay, bye.

Keith! Keith!

- What happened? Where's Keith?
- You just missed him. He just left.

What do you need him for?

Keith! Keith! Up here!

Look, could you do me a favor?

I need you to go to the
unemployment office with me!

I... I?m Jerry's friend!

The guy from the locker room!

I?m the chucker!

It'll take five minutes!

Wait! Wait!

Well, Biff...

what's next?

I don't know.

Excuse me.

I was walking behind you, and you...

dropped your wallet.

When you're moving,
your whole world becomes boxes.

That's all you think about,
is boxes. Where are there boxes?

You just wander down the street,
going in and out of stores.

"Are there boxes here?
Have you seen any boxes?"

I mean, you can't even talk to people
because you can't concentrate.

"Shut up! I?m looking for boxes!"

So after a while, you become
really into it. You can smell them.

You walk into a store:

"There's boxes here.

Don't tell me you don't have boxes.
Damn it! I can smell them!"

You become, like, obsessed.

'?I love the smell of cardboard
in the morning."

At a funeral, everyone's crying around.
You're looking at the casket:

"That's a nice box.

Does anybody know where
that guy got that box?

When he's done with it,
you think I could get that?

It?s got some nice handles on it."

And that's what death is, really.
It?s the last big move of your life.

The hearse is like the van.

The pallbearers are close friends.

The only ones you could really ask
to help you with a big move like that.

And the casket is that great,
perfect box...

you've been looking for
your whole life.

The only problem is
once you find it, you're in it.